El Piloto Part 6: In the Ghe-tto

It is almost the "end of our journey," babies! We are at the hometown dates, which we jump right into with GPow, wearing yet another off-the-shoulder-tshirt-bedazzled-with-gold-paint. "I am so excited to be in NYC. This is me," she says. Which is, of course, the purpose of said dates. She has "never dated someone like" El Piloto, and can "finally let her guard down." As there is no better way to relax ones guard than on top of a boat with no one else around, GPow decides to show El Piloto the city by water. After changing clothes into a babydoll trenchcoat and stretch jeans, that is. There is something unsettling about this outfit, but we can't put our finger on it . . . .

Oh, the romance! GPow has brought a camera, and soon she is pointing out the empire state building, lady liberty, and so forth. Jacques, in a voiceover, talks delightedly about how "when I kiss Gia, I get lost in it. There is such a burning desire to know her . . . heart." KSco, satellite viewer, is traumatized by the choker he appears to be wearing as he makes such a confession. WE are traumatized by his choker, as on further inspection it appears to be some sort of Rastafarian relic. We are not quite sure how El Piloto managed to get ahold of this. But suddenly, we are more traumatized because GPow has taken off her jacket and KMu is screaming: "OH MY GOD IT IS GIRARDO'S RICO SUAVE VIDEO OUTFIT!!" It's true, babies. While she *is* wearing a shirt, it is a white lace tank top, with the same belt, same jeans, and same scarf (though not in her hair) as our beloved gigolo.

El Piloto and GPow stop making out long enough to discuss past relationships. GPow, gentle readers, has dated a cheater and a "young guy," would give her the silent treatment when they fought. We are unsurprised that she has dated some craptastic people, and also unsurprised that El Piloto comforts GPow that he does not resolve conflict in such a manner, and . . . off we go to dinner with mom Dana, Ponytailed step dad Tony, Stepbrother Eric, and halfbrother Dylan.

Okay, we love Donna. "My mom is very intuitive. She can read someone just like that," says GPow. She is also a total Broad. But we are mostly interested in her dress, which we are pretty sure is one inch away from being a silken t-shirt, or is already if only she would stand up straight. After much discussion about Having Ones Back around the dinner table, Donna hauls El Piloto out for some 1:1 time. "Is he gonna break my G's haht?" wonders Donna. "You're datin' 4 women at the same time, and one of 'em's my G? What makes Gia so special?" Apparently that G is "real organic" and "natural," to the Piloto.

Not so her brother Eric, whose hair we Cannot Get Past. Babies, he is Gilded. As Eric talks to GPow out on the balcony, we get a 360 view, and it is all somehow up in the air at the same moment, and moist . . . yet not moist . . . yet frozen in time with burnt auburn edging. One time, we dated a boy who bought fancy shampoo to bring out his highlights. We got in trouble when we teased him about his hairs and then realized He Was Serious about It. We are pretty sure that Brother Eric would be the same way. "Just watch out, aight?" he tells GPow. And then later to El Piloto: "She's been cheated on." Oh gee, we feel so much better that El Pilot is "not jealous, but _extremely_ protective" in a relationship.

And then, Donna and GPow drunkenly stumble out into the street and head for a ledge. The entire BNU watches in horror, ABE gasps "don'tsitdown!," but there is nowhere, NOWWHERE to look, gentle readers, but up Donna's silken sheath and From Whence GPow Came. GPow confesses to her mother that the "problem" she and El Piloto are having is that he does the same things with her that he does with the other women, such as handholding. We don't know what to say, and are still traumatized by our Journey Into the Origins. But ABe does: "where are all the black people?!? This is NYC!"

But before ABe can see a POC, we are off to another racially-diverse melting pot, Williamstown, Mass. to meet Ali's family. El Piloto has "real strong" feelings for this one, my dears, and is "ready to get real close" to her. We do not understand, because she is wearing spandex leggings and cowboy boots. When we were in high school, our friend LGi went to south Texas for awhile. And when she came back, she was wearing spandex leggings and cowboy boots. We gasped in horror, but soon we were wearing leggings too (and cowboy boots, but not together). So, on the one hand, while we can understand Ali's fashion choices, we do not understand why it is South Texas circa 1994 in Williamstown at this moment.

At any rate, Ali last went home for her grandma's funeral. After this fact, it remains important, gentle readers, for any man Ali dates to MEET her dead grandma, and to see how much she has shaped Ali's life. "I was thinking we could go to the estate sale . . . " says KMu. So off we go to Dead Grandma's House, where Ali lived during college. We see a picture of said Grandma, and conclude that Ali will not Age Well. Ali emotionally tells of her time with grandma, and how "right before she passed, I called her and told her that she was going to meet this boy [Jake]."
Whispering, KMu channels Dead Grandma: "Ali is going on a Reality TV show. I can let go now." As they make out in the front yard of Grandma's house, Ali says that "my grandma accepted Jake into our life at that moment" and that she was "in tears, looking down at us."
"Yeah, get the f*ck out of my house," says KMu.

So they do, and soon we are at Ali's house having dinner with mom Beth, sister Rya, and brother Mikey. We love Beth, who looks like our Mennonite ancestors right down to the suspiciously homemade-looking sweater, and their house that seems full of lived-in-ness. Beth tells El Piloto that she was impressed with a clip she saw of him on television, in which he was talking about Inner Beauty or some such nonesense, and later gives her blessing when El Piloto asks for permission to marry Ali (if, you know, he decides to pick her). In 1:1 time with Ali, mom Beth is an allstar. And then, we have The Confession! Ali tells El Pilot that she is "so happy" and that if he were to ask her today, she would say yes!!! "Finally," says Jacques, "I can take this glove off" (hahahhaa). Okay, not really, but he does take his gloves off at that moment to kiss her.

And then we are in Newburg, Oregon to see TenArial!! We are very tired, at this point, of watching women crotchrocket at El Piloto and swing around in greeting. We are also very tired of hearing about TenArial's ex. She is "so relieved Jake is not like her ex" babies. Which is why she is taking him to Harlem. "In the ghe--tto . . . and his momma cries .. . " we sing until we realize that it is not Harlem, but CHEharlem Dance Studio and we lose all our thunder. TenArial, my loves, started teaching dance there when she was "very little." And it suddenly makes sense. We are now quite confident TenArial began teaching at age 12, is called "Miss TenArial" by her students, won first place at the Tween Twirler awards a few years back, and got cut from the east coast So You Think You Can Dance auditions last year.

But none of this matters, babies, because TenArial wants to show El Piloto a "little bit of my insides." We secretly hope TenArial's insides aren't like Donnas, and this feeling Does Not Improve when TenArial announces that she expresses herself through dance. "My ex, "TenArial informs us, "never saw me dance. The dance that was in my SOUL." Which is why she choreographed a little dance especially for El Piloto. We start deep breathing and promise ourselves that so long as she does not start Signing to a Christian Music song, we will not start screaming. And then it starts, and these are things we Do Not Understand, in no particular order:
1. Why did she tape her feet? And moreover, why did she use that crappy water-proof tape?
2. Why is she wearing falsies? And biker shorts? (which never NEVER have been okay, even in a leggings-with-cowboy-boots world). Under a skirt?
3. why why WHY the pachabel canon?
We know that this is no "little dance" as the Pachabel Canon is like 6 minutes long. And while she is not nearly as bad a dancer in the studio as she was on the beach in El Piloto Part 1, we are still forcibly reminded of that awkward scene in A Chorus Line. You know the one (all of you): "Let me dance for you, let me trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyy, let me dance for you, we made a lot of music dancing you. and. I. . . . " We are convinced, after seeing numerous middle-aged women race around the stage in high-cut leotards during local theater productions, that this scene should be cut from every version of that musical except the movie version. And TenArial is about six inches from high cut leotards right at this moment.

Thank goodness we have dinner with Dad Rob, Mom Beth, and sister Carly. El Piloto is the "first guy" TenArial has "brought home since the divorce." We are starting to wonder when, exactly, this divorce occurred. El Piloto's largest concern, at this point, is that TenArial is "over her ex." Our largest concern is why TenArial's mother looks our approximate age (okay, maybe a little older). TenArial's biggest concern is making it on America' s Got Talent: "When I danced for Jake today, I got all choked up," she announces at the dinner table. Betty wants to know: "So, TenArial got to show you what she loves to do. When is she going to see what you love to do?" El Pilot stares blankly at her and then says "Oh, you mean aviation?"
Jake? Is a Pilot? Damn, I completely forgot.

Okay, so then we have a series of 1:1s that can be summed up very easily. Dad Rob is relieved that El Piloto's priorities would be to his wife and family. TenArial, says Rob, would bring a lot of "joy into a home." Crap, WE would bring a lot of joy home with us if we didn't have to work (which we are going to be late for shortly babies. Apologies.). Betty gets choked up because the ghost of husbands past has traumatized TenArial, and she will likely have some spillovers from her divorce for "awhile." But if anyone is ready for a quickie marriage after a painful divorce, "It's TenArial." We at the BNU decide that it would assist All Involved if ABe's dad stepped in for the parents at the Hometown Date stage of this show: "So, do you vote? Have a job?"

El Piloto ALSO asks TenArial's dad for his blessing to marry TenArial, TenArial announces that her "heart feels safe" with him, and we are onto more important things: How Sausage is Made.

Le Sausage is the last of the hometown dates, and the only one to wear impossibly short shorts and about 2o layered t-shirts over a swimsuit. "There is just something real natural about Vienna and I," says El Pilot and we have no words. Except maybe "silicone." and "injectibles." and "wtf." She is a Florida girl through and through, according to her, which is supposed to explain the outfit, the giant golden charm necklace, and the fact that they are now on a pontoon boat in which he is awkwardly lying across both of her legs while simultaneously driving.

Le Sausage, my babies, is ready Not to Make the Same Mistakes Twice, with respect to her prior marriage. That's why she went to school and has done "everything she wants to do," at age 23, and is now ready to try again. And even if this sentence does not strike cold hard fear into the heart of El Piloto, we do not understand why the hair of Le Sausage's sister, Kayla, and mother Lisa, do not. If sheepdogs could talk, Kayla and Lisa would find their pack. We challenge Kayla and Lisa to a hair-off with GPow's Brother Eric.

At any rate, Le Sausage's father, Vincent, is in tears. As he kisses Le Sausage's little dog, which he has been carrying in her absence, and puts her down on the floor, he turns to Le Sausage with hugs and kisses and weeping and gnashing of teeth over how the last few weeks (five?) have been so long. Later on, in 1:1 time, Vinny questions whether Le Sausage is falling for El Piloto. "Oh, I am falling for him, and really hard. I've loved people before, but never been IN love," she says. So, she has liked boys, but not LIKE liked boys before. We understand now. Vinny later tells El Piloto the Facts of Life with Le Sausage in the shed over Vinny's motorcycle: "I've always treated her just like a princess and I expect you to do the same. And she'll do the same for you. Your house will be clean and your kids raised good." Once again, we have no words.

And El Piloto, bless his misguided heart, is "failling hard for Vienna." The other girls, he tells Le Sausage's family, don't like her because they are "jealous" of his attention to her. Yes yes, says Kayla, Le Sausage has been dealing with that all her life. But El Piloto is in love with her "brutal honesty," and it is scary to Fall So Hard. This date ends with Vinny's admonition to keep 12 inches between El Piloto and Le Sausage while they make out on the sofa.

And finally, it is the day of the rose ceremony! But, CRISIS, there is a knock on the door, and it is Ali's grandma "I am the ghost of Christmas past," she says. Okay, not really but it IS Ali, and she has come with some bad news: she must choose between going home to work, or losing her job to stay with him. And she needs him to help her make that decision.

Okay, we have Had It. This was semi-believable in Season Miss J, when Ed suddenly had to leave for work after nine years of Bachelor contestants had no employment issues with filming this show. But to have it happen again is totally not credible. And also, El Piloto is being a total Weenie Tot about it. "Life is about minimizing your regrets," he tells her. "I can't look you in the eye and tell you that you're going to get the final rose . . . but I can't look you in the eye and tell you that you won't, either.' Grrrrrrl, you better get your track shoes on. We are wholly unimpressed with El Piloto right in this moment and want to pull Ali up from her little shoulders (ABe is convinced she is teary for lack of food) and tell her to Dodge the Bullet. DODGE THE BULLET, Ali. That is all. But she is not ready, and decides to Announce Her Decision at the rose ceremony.

Which is upon us. As Ali gets out of the limo, we hear El Piloto say that he will do a backflip if she stays, devastated if she goes, and unable to make that decision for her. GAH. It is called making a decision together, dumbass. But we are distracted from El Piloto's dumbassery by Le Sausage, who has chosen to show up in a dress with a crack ruffle up the back. Yes babies. It is a ruffle. Along her crack. Fortunately, we love GPow's red dress, which more than makes up for the crack ruffle and TenArial's subsequent Ode to Green Satin Tunics.

But oh no! Ali asks to speak with Chris Harrison! He takes her to the deliberation room, where El Piloto hauls her legs into his lap (ooo, GPow is gonna be pissed) and we have like, 15 minutes of hemming and hawing. These are my thoughts: Pull the Trigger. And also, Ladybits (as they are on display). ABe, channeling her father once again, shouts "don't be dependent on no man for nothing!" and, finally hearing the wisdom of our beloved LBe I, Ali says she "must go." So now HE starts to cry, they walk to her departure limo, and he says "I feel you are slipping right through my fingers and I don't know how to stop you." Yes yes, Ali is exactly like Sands through the Hourglass. Now lets get on with it.

Jacques returns to the ceremony after a brief stint of weeping over the bannister, decides he must find his inner strength to shoulder on, and picks . .. no one. "Well, come get your roses, ladies. I don't have to give them out anymore," says he.

Stay tuned for next week, when we go to St. Lucia with Le Sausage, GPow, and TenArial, and El Piloto gets a call from Ali. Shocked, we are.

KLo

El Piloto Part 5: Great Is Thy Faithfulness

TenArial has overloaded on the lip gloss again, babies. She is greased up like a watermelon in some twisted Camp game as we head into El Piloto Part 5, tinkling on and on about how it's so exciting to be at the point of meeting families, almost and maybe if she doesn't get cut. We are still on the ginormous RVs, but are going to be stopping in . . . San Francisco!! "It's so romantic," says Le Sausage, "I've never been in a big city before." WHAT?

El Piloto meets the RV at The Intercontinental, wearing his horrible leather jacket. "Have some Madiera, M'dear," we mutter to ourselves, and then realize that he is no Continental, Inter- or otherwise, and that these ladies have nothing to fear. He awkwardly presents the ladies' new digs as if he made them himself in Naked Carpentry class, and dumps a date card on the table before he leaves. It's for TenAriel!!! "Let's get our Love on Track in San Francisco." TenAriel is so excited to have a date that she has eclipsed the pitch of dog whistles. Her heart is pounding, gentle readers, and she would be devastated if she were sent home.

"I am prejudiced against people who wear eyeliner all the way around," says ABe, wholly unsympathetic to TenAriel's anguish. ABe, it seems, is into the Sutter Home Chardonnay again. But now we ALL are. "The introduction of mini-bottles may have been a miscalculation," says KMu.

Moments and a hard edit later, The Flying J is picking up TenAriel for their date in. . . . a liturgical dance turtleneck. This is our thing (all of us). We don't like liturgical dance. We realize that some people find it Deeply Meaningful, Etc., but we are convinced that it is mostly done by people who didn't move enough as children, and who consequently feel the need to leap around in pinafores and turtlenecks frantically waving banners of bright colored cloth. In that way, we suppose liturgical dance fits San Francisco, but it does not fit El Piloto.

Anyhow, El Piloto kumbayas TenAriel onto a streetcar, while she tinkles on and on like a 5 year old. She has so much love to give, my dears. Oh, and here we are in China Town, which is "amazing, like a foreign country," to Jake. Well THAT explains why the Flying J tries on a hat with a little braid out the back while TenAriel tries on the traditional chinese rice-picker-in-a-photograph hat. We bet these people would buy bandanas with fake dreads glued on it in Jamaica.

Somehow, we find ourselves at a fortune cookie factory. Okay, we used to buy boxes and boxes of fortune cookies for ourselves in college. Which is why a date here would be a total disaster for this viewer, as we would instantly abandon El Piloto for a room full of said cookies, where we would be found 10 days later with a fistfull of fortunes and a belly full of that sweet cardboardy goodness. In the face of so much temptation, TenArial and El Piloto show remarked restraint. He feels "chemistry growing." (ABe: "I'm growin now, just lookin' at you girrrl."). They make out in the fortune cookie factory gift shop, later to be found listening to a Chinese bagpiper in a backalley.

TenArial searches for the right words, so overcome is she: "Finding love in San Francisco would be . . . . . " Like millions of gays everwhere.

While TenAriel and El Piloto are getting ready for dinner, we flash back to the ladies in the hotel room, where the next date card has arrived. We did not realize a person could wear so much spandex as Corrie Rivers leaps for the card. And then we realize she is 22 years old. 22 = spandex. 32 = fleece with an expandable waist. Trust me, babies. "Come be the Queen of My Castle." the card reads. And it's for . . "Ali and Vienna," says Corrie Rivers. . . followed by a heartstopping moment of silence, followed by "just kidding." The card is really for GPow and Le Sausage, but now Ali is totally lacking in what JShro calls "Good Home Training." The GHT deficient is full on display as Ali, in front of Le Sausage, tells everyone how her heart was beating "so fast" at that, and then tells Le Sausage that her over-reaction is not personal and has nothing to do with Le Sausage, which is so clearly a lie that we have just lost all patience. Le Sausage is pissed and storms off, as she has good reason to be, even though she will Not Age Well.

So back we go to TenAriel and dinner at Coit Tower. Just as the Washington Monument is the starchy no frills Peoples Penis of the righthanded states, Coit Tower is the brilliantly lit, bejeweled Peoples Penis of the Left. Once again, leave it to the gays to make everything pretty.

TenAriel and El Piloto are having dinner on Coit Tower's. . . um, tip. And talking about her marriage: "So, what mistakes did you make in your marriage that you would be conscious of again," El Piloto asks. Well, THAT's presumptive. And she responds: "Oh, I took some things for granted. And I will never take those moments for granted again, no matter what they are . . . jumping up off the couch or out of the kitchen when he comes home to greet him." WTF. There is something not connecting here because generally, these comments would come from someone who had a good 1950s marriage. And also, who bit off her eyebrow? We admonish TenArial's over-aggressive waxer. Next question: "So, what does marriage look like to you?" To which she says, "People have so many unrealistic expectations."
Sayeth KMu: "Like monogamy?"
What does marriage look like to him, dear readers? "Love, honor, respect. Marriage is never going to be perfect, but love can be." Barf.

And then TenArial asks Our Favorite Question In the History of the Bachelor:
"So, pilots and faithfulness?"
Ahahahahhahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa. "Yes," says KMu, "Death. Taxes. Unfaithful Pilots." But El Piloto has it all figured out: "Cheating is a choice," he earnestly vows, "and the woman I marry will be the last woman I look at." Looks like there's gonna be a lot of groping in the dark going on in his future.

They open their fortune cookies, both of which say "kiss me," and she ends the evening in tinkly kisses as On The Wings Of Love, the oboe and synthesizer rendition, swells in the background. Abe, KMu, and I are going to bring our recorders next week.

Back at the hotel, the next date box has arrived . . . and it's a coffin. It is at this point that ABe informs me that we are, in fact, related through the Hostetler Massacre. That's right, babies, ABe is the Person of Color cousin to my white self, linked by our blue eyed ancestors who were spared in the massacre of 1757. But for said sparing, we would not be here to bring you the BNU every week. We are not making this up. At any rate (and we could write volumes here, trust us), we will leave you with that, and also with KMu's thoughts on the issue: "In keeping with the San Francisco theme, it looks like you and ABe can never marry."

So we open the coffin to find sequins. Piles and Piles of Sequins. "I thought I would give you all some options to get decked out for our date. I'll pick you up shortly," the card reads. Either Estelle Getty has bequeathed all her dresses to The Bachelor or El Piloto has no taste. We flash to our own days playing dress up, and the red polyester dress with fringies that we loved so dearly, the panythose cut and braided so that we could wear them on our heads and pretend they were long hair, and the sweaters we *might* have pulled out of the Dress Up Box years later to wear in Real Life. Somehow, all of these things are still better than the fuschia solid sequin tank top that Le Sausage winds up squeezing herself into, and the royal blue lace dicky with sequins that GPow finds. Ew ew ew.

We have not recovered from these horrible, horrible outfits when we arrive at . . . another vineyard stretching out in front of a ginormous castle. "I am the Dread Pirate Roberts. There can be No Survivors! The Dread Pirate Roberts is here for your sooooouuuuuuuuuls," announces ABe as El Piloto appears on the stairs. Our favorite part of this shot is the camera man in the red ball cap hovering behind him.

The Flying J, it seems, is "nervous to go on a 2:1 date because I can't figure out how to split the time." No shizz, given the *awesome* Ella/Kathryn date last week. As for Le Sausage, she is just excited: "I'm my dad's princess. I'm Jake's Queen, and he is my Prince Charming." Poor GPow is shrinking into the woodwork behind her. But, they are both incredibly excited to discover that they are staying in the castle overnight!!! As they settle in for dinner, Le Sausage tells Jake: "You had me shaking in my pants at the rose ceremony. " We are pretty sure she is not talking about pants pants, and then get confused because we are pretty sure she does not wear lady pants either. And then, she starts to CRY. "When you came back in and saw Ali crying . . . it was ME that was holding back because of what SHE said. It was hard to hold on. And so after the rose ceremony, I couldn't anymore." Okay, these are the biggest, fattest crocodile tears. And also, GPow is sitting right there. Awkward.

So El Piloto reacts to Le Sausage as any man would: "Gia, let's go for some 1:1 time." After, of course, reassuring Le Sausage that she is there because he wants her to be.

GPow and The Flying J wander off into the bowels of the winery for some alone time, during which GPow confesses that she is insecure, made even more so by the fact that the girls previously were discussing how El Pilot liked each and every one of them to put their legs on his lap, and how she didn't realize that was the case because she thought it was just "their thing." Again, we are not making this up. El Piloto reassures her that she's "cute, sweet," that he's really into her, and that he is "falling" for her.
Query: "Is it okay to fall?" GPow whispers.
Answer: "It's okay to fall."
RAGE. BURNING RAGE. We are on a plane to write dialogue for ABC, stat.

But by now, Le Sausage's meat has gone cold (badabing), and so she is now wandering the winery, carrying a lantern and bleating "Jake? JAKE???" She's lost, babies. Lost, and cold, and hungry (because she didn't eat her salmon, stupid girl), and just wants to find El Piloto. Which she does, eventually, and gets her 1:1 time:
"I am keeping my eye on the prize," she tells him. We really hate that phrase. But we hate her thoughts on marriage even more: "I want to feel like a 6 year old kid every single day." (We are pretty sure this is illegal in all 50 states). "I want to have fun with my husband, to travel. (Well, the bar is low on that one considering she has NEVER BEEN TO A CITY.). But, El Piloto keeps it original by telling her that he's falling for her too, adn then we are done with dinner.

Le Sausage and GPow are sharing a room that night in the castle, but Le Sausage really wants to sneak down to see El Piloto, so once again she takes her lantern, wine glasses, vino, and wanders down. Ahahahaa, he has a giant knight in shining armor painted on his walls. As he lays there awkwardly, she attempts a toast: "To new beginnings. Finding love. Not having to go back to my own bed." He eventually kicks her out, but we still must deal with this: "I was laying there. Not quite nekkid. She was close. Very sexy. Two glasses of wine. I assure you, I had dirty thoughts." GAH.

Meanwhile, the next date card has come for Corrie Rivers. (Suck it up, babies, because we have two more dates to go). "Love is a walk in the Park." it says. Since, apparently, we are done with GPow and Le Sausage, we jump right into this date. Corrie Rivers is, hands down, wearing the ugliest and most impractical outfit on El Piloto Part 5. Despite the fact that they are WALKING in the PARK, Corrie Rivers selects 1) a 3/4 length tight dress, 2) leggings, and 3) patent leather high heels. "That is one fugly outfit," says ABe. We secretly laugh when El Piloto drags her into a boat in that getup.

This date is mostly tragic, and so we will be relatively quick:
There you see her.
Sitting there across the way.
She don't got a lot to say.
But there's something about her.
And you don't know why.
But you're dying to try.
You wanna kiss de girl (la la la la la).

Needless to say, he doesn't. He'll go 80 if she'll go 20. She's only willing to go 10 if he'll go 90. She's saving herself for marriage. He approves of this, but you know it means she's toast. At last, they manage to kiss in front of a ginormous fish tank after dinner. "FINALLY." says KMu. "Even I was getting blue balls over here."

As Corrie Rivers' date grinds to a halt, Ali has gotten the last date card: "I want to leave my heart in San Francisco. Show me your city," it says. Oh! Ali is excited because this is her very living quarters. WE are excited to see some nice clothes, even if her boots are a World of No. Le Sausage thinks it "sucks" that Ali gets to show El Piloto around town. We try to care.

So let's see. Date Ali starts with an introduction to the San Francisco skyline, where she points out the apartment complex in which she lives, followed by a random walk around the neighborhood. He buys her flowers ("You're my flower," she says. NOOOOOOO), and they talk about how it would be fun to have a place in Dallas and a place in "SF," which sounds totally awkward coming from El Piloto's lips. They have a drink at a little cafe, where El Piloto takes a big swig of a foamy latte and goes in for a kiss with all that frothy nastiness around his mouth. We know that this date would end a Firey Death right here if it were with This Bachelorette, as we would likely vomit on the Bachelor. They talk about her work (ooo, looks like this date is going for a firey death anyway) and she reassures him that she only works 5 days a week, but that she checks her email every day.

Ali and El Piloto wind up at the Golden Gate Bridge, or some park associated therewith, where Ali tells El Piloto that she runs (not anymore. Smart choice announcing that on national television, Ali.). And, they see a Pelican eating a crab. "SEBASTIAN!!!" gasps KMu. Somebody tell TenArial, for she will be sad. Blah blah Ali straddles El Piloto and they kiss on a blanket. Blah blah champagne in the sunset. Blah blah she completely sidesteps all questions about Le Sausage, and claims all she really cares about is his happiness as she mutters *diebitchdie* under her breath. Aaaand, they run into the water in her big tall leather boots. Bet those were fun on the walk home.

So here we are at the rose ceremony. One time, we made the mistake of watching Hoarders, in which the clean up crew discovered not one, but three dead cats flattened under the junk in this woman's house. Those cats have been turned into a hairpiece, and that hairpiece is on Le Sausage's head. We CanNot Look Away from the dead cat hairpiece nest. Okay, but we do look away long enough to secretly long for Ali's outfit, a la black and white saucy barrister. And also, to watch TenAriel confess to El Bachelor that she is nervous he is falling for a bunch of women at the same time and (nonsequitor) "when are we going to dance?" So of course, they do.

Meanwhile, Corrie Rivers has gone all transparent on us. She looks lovely, but homey needs a steak. It's okay, honey, you'll be going home soon and can comfort yourself with some Chubby Hubby. GPow is not much better, though she has covered her skinniness with a satin sheet fringed with fake peacock feathers. But we actually like GPow, and so we will abstain from all further commentary.

And then: why Why WHY is El Piloto so captivated by Le Sausage? We know he is from Texas, and we know they love their meat, but seriously. He wants to do something "special," for her, so he actually hauls her down to the room he's been sleeping in to look out at the city skyline through the balcony, and vows to us all that he will stop holding back with her. Apparently, gentle readers, he pulled away so as to be fair to the other women by not shutting them entirely out, but that is At An End. Proving, once again, that you cannot stop a man from running with scizzors if he wants to. I mean, really.

Ding ding ding Chris Harrison announces that it is time for deliberation, and we have these last thoughts. El Piloto and TenArial are looking for the same things in life. "But would you say she's a Ten out of Tenley?" ABe wants to know. GPow "may be the most insecure." Corrie Rivers is a "good, sweet girl" and total toast. He "loves Ali's temperament" (uh oh, more toast). But Le Sausage, well SHE is exciting, and you "never know what she's going to say."

Predictably, he picks:
1. TenArial
2. Ali
3. GPow
4. Le Sausage.

Corrie Rivers goes home! Clearly drunk in her exit interview, Corrie Rivers cries to the camera about not opening up. We feel bad for her, but she is 22 and we promise, in another decade, she will not even remember it.

Stay tuned for next week, in which we learn that GPow's mom is A Broad.

KLo

El Piloto Part 4: China Baby

ABe has found the mini bottles of Sutter Home and is now drinking Through The Pain (nothing but the best, babies) as we begin El Piloto Part 4 with a sea of velour track suits. Rosy Fingered Dawn has appeared, and she has brought Chris Harrison with an announcement: Jake will have some "great dates" this week, including an individual, group, and 2:1 date. But "things will be a little different. "

As Chris encourages the women to go outside to see their suprise, the ladies race towards two ginormous RVs . . . which we learn ABC has forgotten to unlock when Ali slams into the door of one instead of opening it. We secretly wonder if Le Sausage thought the surprise was BEHIND the buses, a la Extreme MakeOver. We shout "Move That Bus!!!" and then are sad to learn that we are merely looking forward to an RV trip up the coast of California. At least Ella is excited. "Ah ahm fixin to get ohn that RV. This is gonna be so dahng fuhn." She is "ready to get mayh relationship rollin down the highway of love." We are not making this up.

So Ali, Jessie (who ARE you?!????), Ella, and TenAriel (ah ahahah) get the first bus, with Le Sausage, Corrie Rivers, Drunk Ashleigh, and, we think, and GPow on the second bus. We don't really know where Kathryn lands, as we are more distracted by the fact that she looks like the Grinch. But somebody gets a camcorder to film the "fun." Blah Blah Ella finds a snake and terrifies Le Sausage. Blah Blah El Piloto and/or his stunt double follow behind on the motorcycle. Our highlight is when GPow suggests that the 2:1 date should go to Ali and Le Sausage because "that would be like Tyson and Holyfield." Ahhahhaha, we like GPow.

And then we are at our first stop: A Vineyard. El Piloto, dear readers, has Pitched His Tent amidst a sea of grapes. According to TenAriel, he is "rugged and lookin' like a man." We are more interested in Jessie's pants, which are a) pencil jeans; b) black; and c) slashed from inseam to outer leg. And also, WTF is up with the Robin Hood boots, all of you people.

Anyway, El Piloto hands GPow the first date card to read, after he motorcycles over the hill to his little tent. And she reads: "Gia, Let's go over the moon and under the stars." Oh oh oh!!!! We jump the river and race through the woods to El Piloto's tent, where he is now shaving with his shirt unbuttoned from neck to navel, 20 dop kits all around him, a compact, and a mini-razor. After we pick ourselves up off the floor, we realize that GPow is also getting ready . . . in a full body suit, stilettos, and one of those chinese lamp shades that May or May Not be found in college dorms across America, cinched with a wrestling belt. Le Sausage is convinced that GPow is "all wrong" for El Piloto because he is a country boy and she is so Big City. Um, Le Sausage?

El Piloto again crosses the 10 yards separating his camp from the ladies' RVs to pick GPow up on his nerfcycle, and then . . . Heartbreak. Having enjoyed a meteoric rise from the Ashes of El Piloto Part 1 in this viewer's estimation, GPow has Peaked Too Soon and is hurtling towards the earth. "Let's play Hide and Seek" she suggests. Because, nothing could blend in further than a be-spandexed black and blue woman in stilettos hiding behind a couple grape vines. Though, in fairness, she could probably be concealed by a pole. Anyhow, Jake agrees that this is "so much fun," and they play for 10 seconds, until he finds her, she crotch-rockets onto the front of him "like a froggy" and he carries her off for wine and cheese.

But the fun is not over. Over wine, GPow confesses that her parents took her out of school because her shoes were stolen and she was picked on so much. Jacques attempts to relate, stating that he was called "Mr. Dateless" in 9th grade.
"Why?" asks GPow.
"Well, it really wasn't a riddle," Says KMu.
But GPow, now on a roll, is describing how her first kiss was miserable because it was during Spin the Bottle. Which is why, of course, the Flying J decides to recreate the misery: "If we polish this bottle off, I bet it would spin pretty good on this cheese tray." This viewer's E! True Hollywood confession is that we are Pretty Sure we never played spin the bottle or if we did, it was in SGra's barn when we were in 4th grade, but this does not stop the shame and trauma from flooding back with GPow's instruction that the first spin = cheek, the second spin = lips, and the third spin = "all over." WTF. And also, this is not the game we remember.

Blah blah the "all over" kiss that eventually comes looks suspiciously like the "lips" kiss, GPow says it was the best kiss of her life, and off we go to dinner of "hot dogs and s'mores" before a raging fire Jake builds himself with his very own Perfectly Shaped Kindling and firestarter. As GPow is choked by smoke, El Piloto informs her that "they say the smoke always goes to the pretty ones." The riveting conversation continues after dinner, where GPow plans their life together: "Well, if it is you and I (YOU AND ME. RAGE.), I would like to be engage for a while. I'd like to be married and have children before 30. Two children and a little girl from China." Okay, she did not just play the China Baby card. And also, she wants a "pot bellied pig." We are speechless. El Piloto, however, is not. He has "never thought about" adoption, but could be open to it. Well, somebody tell Ella.

GPow gets the rose, to the instrumental version of "On The Wings of Love."

Back at the campfire, the next date card has come for: Jessie, Drunk Ashleigh, TenArial, Ali, Le Sausage, and Corrie Rivers. "Next Stop: Falling Inn love," it reads. But everyone is more interested in the fact that Ella and Kathryn are left out, meaning they get the 2:1 date. Oh! As we motor off towards the group date destination (Pismo Beach), TenAriel wonders "could this be my husband?" and Ali thinks "that F*ing Sausage. I'm gonna cut a bitch," and El Piloto's stunt double drives the nerfcycle along the ocean to meet the chickies. "Be prepared to get extremely dirty," he says, upon taking his stunt double's place.

Surprise! We have dunebuggies!!! Ali tries to fry her some Sausage as she pounces on the shotgun of whichever buggy El Piloto is driving. "Whatever, have your 30 minutes in a dunebuggy," says Vienna. "I'm gonna marry him." After various moments of leaping through the dunes, Jessie gets the buggy stuck that she and Le Sausage are driving. Le Sausage, who we only forgive for wearing Uggs at the beach because we have recently purchased our own and now Cannot Take Them Off, cannot even move said buggy with the weight of her fake tatas. So, joyous day, El Piloto comes and rescues them!

But soon we are buggies no more. Instead, we are sandboarding down the dunes. Okay, we did this once in Dubai. First, it is slow. Second, we still fell down. After Jake forces TenAriel to roll with him down the hill, TenAriel thinks its "so much fun!!!" to have sand in her mouth and we now KNOW she is lying. How fortunate that Jake decides to "slow things down a little" with some wine on the beach. . . . until he decides to roll down the hill again with Corrie Rivers. Okay, is it just us, or are we (all of us) feeling like we are trapped in a nursery rhyme? Already, we have been over the river and through the woods. Now, NOW we are tumbling down the hill. What, what could possibly be next???

Oh, that's right: The Madonna Inn, where Jake can fulfill his every virgin/whore fantasy of Ideal Womanhood, and where we are pretty sure Sleeping Beauty died, Hansel & Gretel laid their last crumb, and Goldilocks decided the porridge was really, in fact, adequate. We are completely overwhelmed by the wrought iron and theme rooms as the girls get ready for dinner.

So when we were in 8th grade, we desperately wanted a minidress. You know the kind (all of you): one piece, drop waist, 1980s plaid or whatever. And one day after ballet, we forced our entire family to stay in J.C. Penney for hours looking through racks and racks of these dresses, trying to find the Perfect One. We went home emptyhanded, but our father bought some hideous jeans in retaliation. We always wondered what happened to all those dresses, and now we know: they were packed in moth balls awaiting this Very Night. We are terrified as we watch Dress After Dress: Tenarial: black t-shirt on top, shiny metallic petals on the bottom. Horsey Poof in the hair (RAGE). Le Sausage: black t-shirt on top, white and black flowers on the bottom. Horsey Poof. Drunk Ashleigh ; Horsey Poof and. . .Stop The Presses. Drunk Ashleigh is wearing a WRAP AROUND FORMAL SHORTS JUMPSUIT and gladiator shoes.

Jake seizes Drunk Ashleigh for some 1:1 time and really, we cannot blame him because we cannot look away either. Except they end up in a teal leather room, which is "her favorite color," there is no conversation, she is all wrapped around him, and . . she is not wearing any underwear and is, apparently, not a real blonde. We desperately try to blot the memory of Drunk Ashleigh's ladybits as El Piloto attempts to take Le Sausage for some 1:1 time, only to be refused because she "wants to go last." So he takes Ali instead, and to a different room than Drunk Ashleigh. We wonder why, until KMu explains that it is so that ABC does not have to change the sheets.

Blah blah 1:1 time with Tenley is uneventful except that we learn her ex-husband, a cop, left her for another cop (female. Damn) and that she hasn't dated since. We are growing very tired of the tinkly voices at this point, and so are only mildly interested when, in 1:1 time with Le Sausage, El Piloto tells her to stop egging on the other women and that sometimes the best course of action is to just not say anything. Ahahaha, point one: El Piloto. He likes her, gentle readers, but sees some "red flags."

Finally, this date is over, with TenAriel getting the rose. Corrie Rivers is pissed because she thought they Had a Moment rolling down the hill.

And, because we are all dreadfully bored at this point, we are finally FINALLY at date #3 with Kathryn and Ella. "Two girls, one rose. One stays, One goes" says the card. Ooooo!!!! This is dreadfully boring, even though it is supposed to be a Big Upset, and so we will make it brief:
Quiet dinner in Jake's cabin. Ella wants to know "what ahr you lookin for in a wife, a mother?" Jake says Faith. Ella says "For me, it's mayh son. Ah am lookin for someone increhdible for hihm, best for hihm, marry mah best fri-end." etc etc. Kathryn attempts to speek but fails, looking more grinchlike and sour. Ella, in 1:1 time, then says that she "wahnts you to see ah am more than just a mom." Really? Kathryn, meanwhile, is "so beautiful" that El Piloto "keeps getting lost" in her eyes. But she is Having None Of It and tells him he does not pay attention to her. Aaaaaand . .. he cuts them both!!!!

"This is the first of many decisions I am going to make that no one is going to understand and it is only going to get worse!" says El Piloto. Ooo, will Chris Harrison get the final rose in the end?

Alas, we must wait a little longer. We secretly think that the only reason ABC is letting the Flying J axe so many women is because the know (all of them) that this Season is Dreadful. And so, with only 7 women left at week three, we head into the Rose Ceremony. Poor Corrie Rivers is concerned that El Piloto does not know her as well as some of the other women. El Piloto has already reached a point with Ali, as they sit in silence during 1:1 time, that "nothing needs to be said." Jessie, in green eyeshadow and a terrible velvet black cocktail dress, earnestly entreats Jacques to ditch the Sausage. And, for Le Sausage's part, crosses her eyes in concentration and says that she hopes his family likes her, as none of the other women do.

El Piloto begins his Rose Ceremony speech: "This week, I got to see a lot of different sides of you." We wonder if this also means Drunk Ashleigh's back side, or possibly, her insides. He does not elaborate, as to join GPow and Tenarial with roses, he picks:
1. Ali
2. Corrie Rivers, and . .. .
He has melted down! Le Sausage, Jessie, and Drunk Ashleigh are awaiting the final two roses and El Piloto begins to cry, rushes off to who we think is Neve Campbell circa Party of Five, who rushes to find Chris Harrison, who is talking to Hurley fresh off the Lost Island and some chick in a pink coat, who says . . . "doyoureallywanttonotgiveoutanymoreroses???" when El Piloto seeks his advice. And it's true, babies!!! El Piloto, realizing he has painted himself into a corner with all of these women, is now terrified to keep any of them. So, Chris Harrison pulls a rose away, leaving only one, and that single rose goes to . . . .

3. Le Sausage. For the Win!!!! NOOOOOOOOO.

Ali is fuming. She has lost all self-edit as she heatedly whispers to Corrie Rivers that she canNOT believe Le Sausage is still there. Poor Jessie is sad. Drunk Ashleigh is furious to have been kicked to the curb for the likes of Le Sausage.

And we're done. Stay tuned for next week. Something about San Francisco.

K Lo

El Piloto Part 3: Should I Stay or Should I Go

Chris Harrison has put a jacket over his pajamas and is espousing the need to "move on" after Cha Cha Gate as El Piloto Part 3 begins in the early morning air. We have already forgotten about Rozlyn and her "inappropriate relationship," and we are pretty sure the women have too. But oh oh oh, to cement that fact, here is date card #1 . . . for Le Sausage!! "Let's fall head over heels together," it reads. We are not entirely comforted, considering the flying theme of all prior date cards. If we were to write this date card, it would read: "Dear Sausage, our engine has blended a bird an we are Going Down. Come, let us Travel to the Center of the Earth."

But anyway, Le Sausage is so excited, she has whipped out her horrible crochet top again. Or maybe Michelle has merely sliced said top into a million shreds with her lazer-beam eyeballs of death. We have minimal time to ponder, as suddenly Jake is picking Le Sausage up on his Nerfcycle and all she "is thinking about is I'm holding onto him so tightened." hm. Meanwhile, the Flying J is noting that Le Sausage is "blunt. honest. intense. I've never dated a girl like that before. She's a little outside of my comfort zone, but on this journey, I want to take risks." Um, Jillian? And also, bunt cake anyone? Off Jake and Le Sausage ride to a cliffy outcropping, where they wait for . . . a helicopter (I am shocked). It is at this point when we get a good look at Le Sausage's top. When we were a child, we loved infomercials for the Latch Hook pot holder and this stapler that magically crocheted flowers into a blanket. Apparently, so did Le Sausage.

As the women back at the house discuss how "if he likes HER, then he will SO not like me," Le Sausage and Jake awkwardly helicopter their way straight into A Cravasse. Yay! They get to bond over their shared fear of dropping hundreds of feet into Nature's Crack! Jake "can't be strong 100% of the time," blah blah he has a panic attack and she is "so strong and nuturing" through it, blah blah blah. And then suddenly, "yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!" someone has let out a highpitched scream as the duo free-fall bungy jump, and KMu is pretty sure it is El Piloto. Of course, they share their first kiss 70 feet upside down.

Now we are at dinner, and Le Sausage has wrapped herself in an astroturf off-the-shoulder casing. They are also drinking wine from the most ginormous wineglasses ever as Jake and Le Sausage share a Deep and Meaningful Conversation: "What I am looking for in a wife is a nurturer. I saw a real nurturing side of you today. I would not have wanted to share this experience with anyone else." And also, "one thing I know," says Jake, "is that Vienna is here for the right reasons." Okay, Le Sausage is 23. But by now we are distracted from Le Sausage's post-college, pre-employment tendencies to focus all her concern and energy on El Piloto by the fact that they are sitting on THE KITTY. Sayeth KMu: "If somebody put a black light on that thing, it would look like a crime scene."

Blah blah they both want something special, and, after "You are so honest. I have asked you some pretty stern questions and you have such great answers," we aren't listening to their conversation because our eyeballs are bleeding with boredom. Blah Blah hot tub, strawberries, bikini with a butt ruffle to cover the diaper, and she gets the rose. She announces in her best little girl voice that she is "on cloud Jake right now!" and that the "best day of her life will be when she marries Jake." We wonder if she isn't a bit cross-eyed and rewind in slow motion to confirm. Yes, yes she is.

So here we are at the house again, and the Group Date card has come for: Corrie Rivers, Nanny-No-Nips, Ali, TenArial, Jessie, Drunk Ashleigh, Kathryn, and Batshit Michelle. "Love is no laughing matter, or is it?" says the card. Yes, send in the clowns, ABC. Oh, don't bother: they're here. Michelle, formerly mad not to get any date time with Jake, is now mad because she got GROUP date time with him.

We have our own fears and concerns as Jake brings the women to . . . John Lovitz's comedy club. "As you can see, we are at . . the club." says El Piloto, "sippin on some bubb, mama I got watchu need . . . ." Ok not really, but we have to sing something to get us through the terror John Lovitz's random, suspiciously tipsy appearance, and announcement to the group that they will indeed by doing their own stand-up routines . . . in front of a live audience!! Drunk Ashleigh, wearing an iron breastplate, starts to cry. So Jake gives her a joke that is "easy to memorize." Oh, this is going to be good. And so, our evening begins:
1. Ali: "Why was Tiger looking in the toilet? For Pooh!!" chirp.
2. Torrie: "My family is in the sequel to My Big Fat Greek Wedding: They're so Fat You Can't Even Tell They're Greek." chirp chirp. And also, we still don't know you.
3. TenAriel: Does a self exam, putting her feet behind her head.
4. Nanny-No-Nips: Thought she "found love in Utah, because [bleep and [bleep bleep]." El Piloto is all shocked that Ncubed is raunchy. Yes, Shocked I Tell You.
5. Kathryn, the only cleverish one, calls El Piloto onto the stage and encourages him to get closer and closer until he finally kisses her, and then announces that was her goal. Danger: Michelle is full-on 4 boiled bunnies in a rocking cradle at that one. And then . . .
6. Batshit Michelle's turn. Dear readers, she has already announced to the world that her first kiss with El Piloto will be "long and passionate. Soft. Crazy tongue in the mouth. Wild pulling of hair or whatever. Pulling the clothes off." We have had to shake it off already during the course of El Piloto Part 3, and yet she has no mercy on us:
"Anyone notice that there aren't any coconuts in these trees? They're on me, of course, waiting for Jake. " [insert heavyset man in audience shaking his head "oh hell no."]
"I've never been golfing before, but I see that I'm on the green . . . waiting for that hole to get time with Jake." [insert audience woman: "that ain't right."]
We, and the entire live viewing audience, are creeped out. So, after John Lovitz wordlessly acknowledges the fear we now all share, he segues to. .. .
7. Drunk Ashleigh. Except, not yet because she gets stage fright.
8. Corrie Rivers, and her impressions of the other women in the house. We understand that this is supposed to be funny, but we don't really think it is. And also, most of it is about Le Sausage, which discomfits El Pilot, mainly because he was born under a rock. "Poor Vienna, bless her heart, she wasn't here to defend herself," says he. And then finally. . . .
9. Drunk Ashleigh, take 2 comes on stage. Living up to her name, Ashleigh reads a series of sloshy blonde jokes and beats a quick retreat.

Thank god we are now halfway through the date, eating fondue in a "Penthouse." But we vomit a little as someone puts a marshmallow into the fondue pot, thereby destabilizing its suspended firmness into a jiggling mass of whippitude. To get us through, Babies, we must focus on Jake's riveting conversation about how he "knows how" everyone feels when he gives another woman a hug, but Must Do It for the good of the show and his future happiness.

We are taking one For The Team, Babies, as this is possibly the most Uneventful and Boring Bachelor Ever.

TenAriel then steals Jacques away for some 1:1 time, in which she tearfully reveals that she is divorced in her tiny little tea leaf voice. But this is our thing (all of us): ABC has been showing promos all week in which TenArial announces this very moment that (ah, ah ahah ah) she has indeed had the full panoply of human experience and is currently pregnant. Oddly, this little soundbite is totally missing from the episode itself. Once you jump the shark, ABC, you can't unjump it.

But whatever. We cannot be distracted by TenArial, as Michelle has accelerated from Code Yellow to a full on Four Bunny Code Red Alert in the span of 10 minutes. We blaze through 1:1 time with Drunk Ashleigh and Ali, both of whom we are liking less by their constant obsession over Le Sausage being Bad for Jake, as Michelle fumes more and more about other women getting time with him. We almost don't care that Ali is happy that Jake is happy that she is happy, and that he is happy in his job. Because, Gentle Readers, Michelle is up next and she is On a Mission: "I am ready to get married and give my mother another grandbaby. Everyone in my family says it is my turn. I am hear to find love and marriage. My brother has that. My mother wants that. I want that." [crying]. Speaking truth, Nanny No Nips comments that Michelle needs a therapist, not a husband.

And so the time with Jacques and Michelle begins:
Michelle: "It's true I have been crying, but I am not over-emotional or dramatic." [Says ABe, channeling Lucille Bluth: "Everything they do is so flamboyant and dramatic, it makes me want to set myself on fire!").
Jake: "I am really ready for this day to be over."
Michelle: "Me too. I feel like I am the only person here for the right reasons. I really really REALLY want a husband. . . . Would it be awkward if I kissed you to see if there was something . . . for me?"
[Corrie Rivers from down below: "They just kissed and I watched it." Yes, Corrie, and we all threw up a little.]
Michelle: "That's it? You have to give me more than that."
Jake: "Like I said, I am really ready for this night to be over."
Michelle: "I understand how you are feeling. And I must tell you that I must go home. To have this time with you and not be able to kiss you. . . "
Jake: "Dude, you've threatened to go home twice. So I think you should" [sidebar: what? Did Jacques just rise in our estimation?]
Michelle: "I can't believe this is happening! I have been kicked to the curb! I had no clue!!"

We feel the mental dots not connecting, and are secretly glad that Michelle is not around anymore, even if we still have Le Sausage to contend with. You see, my dears, Le Sausage has been busy making friends while we have been away. The final date box has cometh for Ella, and Le Sausage has stolen her thunder by preaching about how, after spending the entire day together, Ella will see how wonderful El Piloto is. This, naturally, precipitates a fight in which GPow tells her she has crossed the line, and so Le Sausage storms up to her room to journal: "Dear Jake, if you are reading this, it is because I am gone . . . That's right. I have died. Of dysentery."

So here we are on Date #3. Ella is so excited that she has worn her very best tunic, boots, and Christmas wreath. Her "day is fihnally heyhr," and of course, that day involves a helicopter ride to . . . SeaWorld. During said helicopter ride, Ella decides that the Flying J is "incredible, honest" and that she wants him to "know evahrything about mehy." Which is why they talk about Jake being a pilot (Jake? Is a Pilot?) and how she wishes her son, Evan, could be there to share in the pilotness.

Blah blah they sit and talk awkwardly at SeaWorld until Jake "surprises" Ella with her son. "Mehy little mahyn. Mehy baby. Meyh Gawd." she mumbles as she pats Evan all over his face. And this is our thing: damn you, ABC, for shoplifting the pootie. We are mad at the continual toying with the single parents, and the foisting of children onto the set. We choose our Harlequin romances for the absence of children and crazy hero names ("Stone" and "Stryker" to name a few) and so too should ABC. As Mr. T. told us long ago: "Mother. There is no other. Like Mother. So Treat Her Right." That is all.

Ella, El Piloto, and Evan feed dolphins and penguins, swim with dolphins, and have a picnic sitting alongside a giant stuffed Shamu. Naturally, Jacques/ABC has gotten a little toy airplane for Evan, who mostly plays while Ella talks about how he "is the ahngel ah never thought ah deserved." Jake asks what Ella would think about getting engaged at the end of this process, and she is ecstatic. Transparent as always, Jacques gives her the rose because "The only thing I have to offer is honesty. You are a great mother. And you are truly a . . . great mother." We are so depressed.

Fortunately, we get to go to bed soon because it is the rose ceremony! (and also, we love sleep). Off the bat, Nanny No Nips is up for some 1:1 time. "I'm going to ask you a really hard question," says she, "are you good at backrubs?" And suddenly, we feel the burning rage. You have six weeks with this person, woman, and you are spending all of your conversation time talking about how you might want to kiss maybe sometime and asking him about his backrub prowess. GAHH. And then, El Piloto snaps too, pointing out that she is the queen of mixed signals and that though he knows people who elect not to kiss before marriage for spiritual reasons, if that's not her bag, then it "isn't right." Oh oh oh, El Piloto we must shelter this small flame of common sense!!!

And then, Le Sausage cuts in. We hate her dress, which is blue satin, tight, with spanglies outlining the bust seems. Nanny No Nips is mad at the interruption, but really we have no use for her and so Go Meat! But we are, by now, irritated with Ali for continually heckling the crowd into turning on Le Sausage, and so our irritation only grows when Ali turns on Le Sausage again after Ncubed runs crying back to the other women. "I am not a fish in the pond, waiting for a bait," says No Nips. "I am still choosing him. He needs to remember that. I am 29 [*cough43*] years old and very selective. I don't need a date." We secretly love that these women come unglued when Jacques actually calls their bluff.

And he picks:
1. GPow: Off the shoulder, pink.
2. Corrie Rivers, who has glued all her various chains to her dress, so as not to lose any one of them.
3. TenArial, in full prom curl glory.
4. Ali. We heart her dress.
5. Jessie. WE DON'T KNOW YOU. And also, striped sequins is a World Of No.
6. Kathryn.
7. Drunk Ashleigh!!!

Valishia the homemaker and Nanny No Nips go home!! We feel bad for Valishia and not at all for No Nips.

Stay tuned for next week, in which we embark on Road Rules: The Bachelor. Ugh.

KLo.

El Piloto Part 2: Naked, Natural, and Me

On this, our 110th (ish) episode blogged, we are slightly cheesed that we must spend it with a jolly green Can-Can dancer (Christina), Mini-mouse (Valishia), and half a dozen loose chrocheted tube tops that remind us forcibly of our days in southern Michigan. But . . . .squeel!!! . .. we jump right into El Piloto Part 2 with the announcement of the group dates. That's right, gentle readers, we are at That Point in which we have two group dates, one individual date, and a rose to be given on each. Whatever shall Jacques do?


Date#1 is for Rozlyn the model, Valishia the "homemaker," Corrie Rivers, Christina, and Drunk Ashleigh. "A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words" sayeth the card. Michelle is instantly upset, weeping because her name was not on the card (even though she has two more opportunities this week). We give her one out of four boiled bunnies for batshitedness. Christina looks forward to "my first date with my future husband." As for Jake, said potential future husband, he has unbuttoned yet ANOTHER notch in his shirt as he strides towards the house from his nerfy motorcycle. His life has been a series of "nice guy finishes last" but feels that he has turned a corner. Maybe into hoochyville, Jake. And also, you can't fix stupid.


So, off we go with orange juice in champagne glasses to . . . a hotel. "Oooo, do we get to stay here?" wonders one lady. Apparently not, though we do get to meet the Bachelor's answer to Tim Gunn: gay Hal in a pinstripe suit, a/k/a/ the fashion director for "In Style." They are doing a photoshoot!!! Corrie Rivers is excited: "In Style is my official monthly reading!!" But Christina starts to freak out because GPow and Rozlyn are real models (hahahhahha, she said "real."), and whatever will she, a "normal" girl do? Rozlyn, who apparently does a lot of wedding dress modeling, "kinda wants to bite" Jake because he looks so cute and makes a face because GPow "probably does lingerie modeling." Rozzie, no two sets of implants are born equal, and we are pretty sure GPow has the upper hand on that shizz.


Proving our point, Rozzie is the first to pose with the Flying J in a spangly scarf masquerading as a dress. She lifts her leg to expose her "little cha cha" to all the world, as Christina points out, but suddenly we don't care because, speaking of cha chas, we have just seen the hugest P.T. ever on BNU history. We hear "you must pay the rent!" and "my name is inigo motoya" and the theme song of Magnum P.I. as this unnamed photographer lisps into the view. "Just think of somsthing to do, and take a deep breath" advises him of the mooostache, and Christina puts aside all thoughts of GPow being fed strawberries (you KNOW how this viewer feels about that, all of you), Rozzie's cha cha, and drunk Ashleigh's channeling of Miss America to conclude . . . "it's just like prom all over again.!!" Jake twirls and dips Christina until we are ready for a group photo: an awkward number in which El Piloto poses like Captain America as the chickies play tug of war on his arms. "Really pull!" recommends Inigo.


Mercifully, it is now time for the cocktail/"wrap" party. Because El Piloto doesn't know how to have a first date, he asks GPow to tell him about her past relationships in their first 1:1 time. GPow, who we are liking more and more, is like "well, my first relationship was for six years, and that brings us up to my 12th birthday last year." Okay, not really, but she did date someone for six years. Winning us over, she also admits that she was not a popular kid growing up and was more artsy. Well, she is toast. Not so for Valishia, who is overheard telling the other women "I do teach womens' Bible studies, but I'm not paid for that." The mystery deepens as to how this single "homemaker" eats. But we heart GPow even more when, after Drunk Ashleigh fannies up in a swimsuit to steal El Piloto away, wanders back to the other women with a "wah WAH."

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, a date box has arrived!! Michelle pounces, opening the card to read "For the lucky girl who gets to 'take off' on tomorrow's date." We have several options here: (1) ABC has made a bad pun; (2) somebody is ready ready ready ready, ready to run; (3) someone's family has staged an intervention by mail: "Dear Baby, you will be LUCKY if you TAKE OFF tomorrow . . ." But no one is drinking that particular brand of kool-aid because Michelle is saying "diamonds diamonds Diamonds DIAMONDS!!" and opening a box to find the standard diamond necklace that usually shows up around Part 2. She wants to try it on, insisting with a feral gleam that maybe the person who wears it gets the date. "Now it's tainted" says some chickie as we fade back to the Group Date.


And on that group date, Christina has seized Jake for some drunken 1:1 time. "I rweally rweally like you. I cannot, like, zing her praises enuff. I wanna baby. ding ding ding ding." The Flying J, displaying his total lack of social skills, asks when faced with this: "So, when you go on vacation, what do you like to do?" Says KMu: "If you were a vegetable, what would you be?"


The sound of two exercise balls rubbing together saves little Jake, and we all look up to see Rozzie shaking her chest at him and asking for some 1:1 time. Christina is "a little peeved" by the invasion of the bridal model, and concludes that "we need shots." But by now, Rozzie has wrapped herself into a chenille tassled Snuggie with El Piloto, swimsuit a swimsuit, and completely swallowed his face to the tune of Skinemax music. "I don't know if I have ever dated a girl like Rozlyn," says Jake."I've dated lots of beautiful women, but SHE's mysterious." Seriously???? But then again, to a man who probably writes L and R on his socks so that they wear evenly, we can see his point. Christina, now wearing snow shoes from her ears, is "bummed" at this turn of events. We are relieved to know that she is also prepared for when Jake Gyllenhall rescues her from the library after the world freezes over.

Rozzie, now hanging against a chain link fence over a freeway (what kind of Bachelor is this again?), is waiting for The Flying J to return from "somewhere," which everyone knows means that he is getting her the Safety Rose. "Now that I know I'm not going home, my strategy is to be myself," she says in a later clip with sweatshirt dangling off her shoulder. Yes, when she's not stripping or welding, we think that's a good idea. But now we are traumatized because El Piloto has returned with the rose hidden . .. in his crack. "Milk milk lemonade, around the corner fudge is made," chants ABe quietly in the corner, and we suddenly have to Walk It Off. We are ALL surprised when he pulls said rose out of his crack and offers it to Rozzie, and she TAKES IT and acts all charmed and honored.

But now, with Bunny Alert on Orange, Michelle has nabbed the next date card (accompanying the diamonds) to read: "Come fly with me . .. Ali!!!" Now shooting daggers at Ali, who starts to CRY because she is so "happy" ("Dear Mom and Dad, I got your message but I can't. get. out.") , Michelle looks like she's going to start cutting. We are relieved when ABC does a hard edit to Ali, now wearing a yellow dress that only she and various other Seventeen models could pull off, learns she must Hike It Up and ride around on the back of El Piloto's motorcycle to get to their mystery date location . . . a terminal.

"Okay, this is just mean," says ABe, and we have to agree because Ali is afraid of flying, and now she's supposed to go up in a little "SkyHawk" with a pilot-turned-reality-star? We applaud her for identifying the fire extinguisher, and are not much interested in Jaques' systems check of the plane or slo mo flipping of his bomber jacket onto his shoulder. We can see the TSA announcement now: "We have lost the Bachelor somewhere over the Pacific."

At any rate, blah blah they get to 3,000 feet over the ocean without incident, Ali's pit stains dry, and Jeffrey Osborne sings "On the Wings of Love! Only the Two of us, together flighing hiiiiiiiigh, flying high upon the wings of looooooooooove." But they are STILL not done. Oh no, even though Ali was "definately flying high today," they must take a car from Olden Days over to Palm Springs, where the "A-listers go to hang out." Yes, and also the retirement set. So they drive through somebody's yard to park in the middle of a field. "They're gonna neck" says PMu. We also hope that she gets his class ring.

And then: dinner. We don't see much of this blessed event, except where she claims 3 times in a row that she is "not nervous" with Jake, and that she dated Jim, Jason, Jared, and Jordan. Oh, oh oh, looks like she's going to marry a Duggar! Though we cannot throw stones, as we *might* have dated the Gospels. This date improves with a surprise concert by Chicago!! Oh Chicago, how we danced around the living room to you many a time, and your chocolate bar-y goodness of a record. Saturday! In the park! And then . . . You're the meaning in my life, you're the inspiration!!" Suddenly, KMu and ABe are singing, we are the horn section, and PMu and Bonus Viewer MCo are suffering in silence! We heart you, Chicago.

Ali, of course, Lives to Fight Another Day as she comes home with the rose and a kiss after dancing awkwardly into a slo mo spin with El Piloto.

Mercifully, Date #3, a group date with Nanny-No-Nips, Jessie of Canada, Kathryn, Ashley (the teacher) and Le Sausage, comes with a message "Love has Ups and Downs." Michelle is definately feeling the downs, as she, TenArial, and Ella the mom are not going on dates this week, apparently. Michelle is "not ordinary!" babies. She has "a lot of love to give." Which is why she storms out, crying, and decides to pack her bags. "If I am not going to get a chance to spend time with him, I'm leaving," she announces. We are now at 4 of 4 boiled bunnies, dear readers. This is a Level Red Alert. TenArial, taking the bait, is all "oh Michelle, don't leave! Stay! Stay!" and Rozzie tries to make Michelle feel better by suggesting that maybe Jake has already decided she will stay. Michelle will have None Of It, however.

As Michelle packs, Nanny-No-Nips is snuggling up against Jake at Six Flags (apparently their date location) on Date #3 and is pleased to feel "how stacked he is." We are much more interested in her bedazzled tunic and Will Rogers Follies boots. NCubed soon steals the Flying J away from the other women to sit awkwardly on the ledge of a carnival game. She has a note for him, babies, if only she can peel it out of her pants and unfold the little football. Writing is "naked, natural, and me," she says. We don't dispute the naked, but are not quite sure which bits are natural. And also, she has to be at least 35. She reads:

"So far, I've been impressed with you and I want to get to know you more. [blah blah journey blah]. I know you've kissed a lot of girls and will probably kiss everyone by the end. But please don't kiss me unless you get to the point where you are prepared to kiss me for as long as we both shall live. With all that I am [including the parts that will last 3 billion years], Elizabeth."

We love the look on Jake's face, even as he says he is an old-fashioned guy and respects her "values." Blah blah we go back to the other women, Roll-A-Ball, Magic Mountain, and his "love for these girls." He has the Safety Rose, gentle readers, but whomever shall he give it to???

Le Sausage makes a play for it, and we are traumatized by the miles and miles of crochet encircling her. One time, when we were 18, we decided to try on a crochet bikini, concluding that we Only Live Once. The sea of flesh staring back in the mirror confirmed that our particular life did not need to be adorned by crochet. We feel similarly towards Le Sausage's ensemble, but are again sidetracked (damn you, ABC) because as they sit down for 1:1 time, we see THE KITTY from Season Big Daddy and Season Miss J. Yes, it has been flattened in the wash, but we are still pretty sure they have snuggled up under the Kitty.

And Le Sausage unleashes her tale of woe: The only boy who could ever teach her, was the son of her preacher man. It's true, Babies. She dated him through high school and became engaged her senior year. Yet she called it off, at which point Billy Ray got married and had a child one month later. So determined was Le Sausage to prove he was NOT the only boy who could ever reach her, she ran off with another guy she didn't know at 18 and eloped. Four months later, they were divorced. But not until she broke her daddy's heart, which we presume was sometime between cars 1 and 5.

We feel bad for Le Sausage, as she IS pouring her heart out, when Ashley the Teacher interrupts and steals Jake away. Stunned, Le Sausage stumbles back to the group. Nanny-No-Nips informs her, "that's why you have to use your time right." Harsh, NCubed. But Ashley, mistakenly thinking Jake wants a "bright, strong woman in his life" with crazy eyes, is busy bombing out with the Bachelor, resulting only in a hug and kiss on the cheek.

Ultimately, the Safety Rose goes to NCubed "because she REALLY intrigues" Jake. We decide that Jake needs to take a class in plastics so that he is no longer so amazed by the No Nips and Rozzies of this world. NCubed is triumphant. As the other women skulk off in the limo, she gets to watch fireworks and "play hard to get" with Jake because "that's what she deserves." Said playing involves:
"You know I"m not holding back, because I want this." and
"Wanna kiss me? I really want to kiss you." and
"You can make out with my forehead all night."

Query: Is she Vulcan?

Ashley is all sad because she "wanted the fireworks to be for Jake and I." GAH. "For Jake, for you, for Jake and you!!" we scream. We are saddened that our colleges are being adjunctly taught be bad grammar.

But here we are again at the rose ceremony. Shocker: Michelle is still here. Rozzie is confident because "I have a rose, beyotch." And Ella the Mom is 1 part red and the other part sequin. It's her birthday, but even though she's never spent it away from her son, she doesn't have to be sad because he knows she's there to find the Love of Her Life. Gag. Jake gives her a cupcake. "Congratulations, you are now too old for me," we secretly whisper for him.

TenArial (ah, ahahah), also concerned because of their lack of date this week, tells Jacques that it's "hard because you're off with all these other girls." But so awesome of Jake to reassure her: "Just your temperament. You've probably had a good and successful dating history." Read: You're so tepid. I bet you make an awesome bunt cake. Marry me."

But here we go again with Michelle and her 4 bunny Red Alert, upset because "we need to have 1:1 time or else." Okay, then go GET IT. So she does, and then completely terrifies us with a fake laugh followed by "no seriously, I know why you are here and I am here for the exact same reason. I can't know what' s going to happen today, but i want you to know that I did pack my bags well, when the cards came in." Somehow, Jake is not completely terrified by this, even when she starts to cry AGAIN about "how unfair" it is when another woman comes to talk to him, after initially saying that no, the woman canNOT take Jake away because she is "in the middle of something."

And here we are at the Big Moment of Intrigue hyped by ABC all week. Chris Harrison pulls Rozzie away and informas her that she must leave because she has been having an "inappropriate relationship" with a staffer.
"Jump to any conclusion, any conclusion at all!!!" says ABe.
Rozzie, confirming that she should never be a lawyer, argues: "So you think there are no other girls who felt for others before they came on the show?" which feeds Chris Harrison's glee in responding that this is something new that started on the show. To which, digging the hole deeper, Rozzie responds "I don't think my personal life is anyone's business." Ahahahha, after we pick ourselves off the floor, Rozzie goes to pack, with the assistance of a ginormous male staffer. We will say this, however: how uncool that Rozzie's dirty laundry is aired on national television, while the "staffer" gets to hide in relative anonymity. Chris then tells Jake AND the ladies of Rozzie's "inappropriate relationship," and we actually feel a little bad for Jake, until he says: . . .. "Can I get my rose back?"

We are just not even going to write more about this event except this: Ashley teacher crazy eyes. TenArial (ah, ahahah): He does not deserve to have his heart broken. GPow: Sitting calmly (we love her now). Ali: wearing a MAN WATCH!! DOe, this is for you and all the other haters of this viewer's awesome, velcro, waterproof piece of Timex magic (R.I.P.). Ali has a man watch. We are going to get a new one, post haste.

And he picks (to join Ali and Nanny No Nips):
1. Le Sausage
2. GPow
3. TenArial
4. Ella the Mom
5. Sister Christian (Valicia)
6. Corrie Rivers
7. Jessie (who we STILL have not seen anything of)
8. Drunk Ashleigh
9. Michelle
10. Katheryn.

Ashley the teacher and Christina get the axe!

Stay tuned for next week, in which we think there is a date with Le Sausage ("Go Meat!") and somebody leaves before a rose ceremony!! Oooooo.

KLo

El Piloto Part 1: Highway To The Danger Zone

In the words of ye immortal Back Street Boys: Guess who's back, back in town? Jaques' back, gather round (as are ABe, the Mus, and the entire staff of the BNU, but I digress). And he is On The Wings Of Love, babies. Because, as the breathless promos ABC has been running all week remind us, "Jake . . . is a Pilot!!!!" We are also pretty sure that ABC thinks it is 1986 and that Jake The Pilot is late for a rendesvous with Kelly McGillis because she hasn't figured out that she is a lesbian yet. Why else would he be crotchrocketing off into the sunset in a giant nerf helmet and aviator shades, pausing only to meaningfully stare up at the planes as they soar over him at the ocean's edge?

But we get ahead of ourselves. First, we must suffer through Jacques getting the axe from Season Miss J. "Everything went in slo mo. I got crushed," says he. So, dear readers, our little Jacques went back to Texas, where he wandered the streets, his shower, and various exercisy locations, mostly shirtless, until slowly and surely he got better. This our thing (all of us): We understand that Jacques has fabulous abs. We have squeeled over the same on several occasions. But now we suddenly feel dirty as America's Next Top Model music pounds in the background of his nearly naked jumping jacks, and are very thankful for a) our afghan, b) the bottle of Dr. Jebediah Drinkwell's Meritage Blend, to get us through. As. Dr. Jeb says, "Dr. Drinkwell makes [The Bachelor] fun again."

Anyway, in addition to being a commercial pilot, the Flying J also loves acrobatic planes. According to Jacques, "Flying is like being in love. It's a hell of a drug." [everybody drink.]. Which is why, as his acrobatic plane free falls to the ground, we hear a desperate scream pierce the air. Coming Soon After this Season of the Bachelor: The Season Premiere of Lost. Thank God that Jacques also loves Shirtless Carpentry, Shirtless Cooking, and Shirtless Running, each a necessary skill to survival on a desert island.

But enough of Jacques. It's time to meet the women!! 100 years ago, we were cornered by our ballet mistress for a talk on "healthy eating" by a stick insect. Said insect told us of her desperate turn to Jenny Craig to fight the pound she could not shed, only to discover, upon counting the calories, that the culprit behind her weight "issue" was "too many muffins, girls, too many muffins." Thereby ruining one viewer's enjoyment of the tasty treat forever. And this is how we feel when faced with The Flying J Part 1. Too many women, babies, too many women. We hate this episode. So let's get started.

We first meet Ali, a 25 year old blonde advertising executive who is running haphazardly in the middle of the road and talks about the bad breakup that "me and my boyfriend" had. We fight off the grammar police because we actually like this girl. And also, she looks like El Piloto's mother (whom we previously saw in a "I want a traditional family just like my parents" montage earlier on. Whatever that means.). Ooo, could we be off to a good start?

. . . and then we meet (a la 40 Year Old Virgin) "Hi, my name's Gina." Okay so her real name is Alexis and she loves the motorcycles but we are a little scared.

Up next is Tenley, leaping around on the beach with a bunch of bent knees like she's got a dump in her pants. Tenley is a 25 year old, divorced college admissions counselor who moved to CA to become a dancer (a terrible one, by the looks of things). Which is why she has been Sleeping Beauty, Ariel, and some other Disney princess at a theme park. She wants to be, where the people are. . . . Suddenly we flash back to our sister SHa's Junior Miss Pageant days, and the contestant who sang that song in a fish tail and shells, sitting on the side of the stage. Burned in our brain is the part where she hoisted herself to standing in her little tail, right at the "bright young women, sick of swimmin' ready to staaaaaaaaaaand." ABe warbles softly to herself in the corner.

Joining Ali in the "Girls We Would Keep if We were Jake" group, we then meet Elizabeth, a 29 year old Captain in the Air Force. She claims to have no fashion sense, which we dispute, but she is calm and has the lowest voice by an octive of any of the "girls" thus far, so we want to keep her.

Captain Lizzie is followed by Rozlyn, a 28 year old model from Richmond, VA that we despise on sight, and Christina, a 25 year old restaurant manager that looks like she built her dress out of St. Patty's day bar napkins, admits she's a "little bitchy," and that her friends made her practice small talk with women about stuff she doesn't care about, like shoes.

And then, we meet Vienna, a University of Central Florida grad who is "currently unemployed." "Forever why?" we wonder, as she DOES have a degree in "Interpersonal Organizational Commmunication." Le Sausage is a "Daddy's girl," gentle readers. He has purchased her at least 5 cars, each of which she has wrecked. We secretly wish he had saved some of that money for A SHIRT to cover her ginormous tatas and the tattoo where her muffintop will be when she hits 30. Or alternatively, tennis shoes, considering the spectacular spill she almost takes while walking to her (daddy's) sailboat. Le Sausage has a "baby puppy, Chloe," and they have "mommy/daughter days" where they dress up alike. Dear god, she is one mammal away from being one of those people who raise chimps like children.

Thank God for Ashley, a 29 year old teacher whose mom has been sending her care packages with risque clothing for three months. We think we'll add her to our little kitty of People We Like.

We will NOT be adding Elizabeth the Nanny to our List, because we cannot look away from the five inches of flesh separating her breasts from each other. We will also not be adding Ella, a hairstylist from somewhere in the Extreme South, with a 7 year old son and a total conviction that she is going to end up with El Piloto. Did we mention that she is a boxer? Momma says knock you out, babies. Finally, we will not be adding Gia, a (current) swimsuit model and (former) dancer from New York. Gia is one of those simpering women with an extra bump shimmy in her step, a little girl voice, piles of hair, and a whole lotta fake bits. In honor of The Jersey Shore, we shall call her G-Pow.

Blah blah Kimberley is a 24 year old NBA dancer; 23 year old Emily is a "fit model" with ginormous teeth and yet another tinkly voice (yawn); Tiana is a 31 year old medical tech sales person that says everyone "better watch out," and Caitlyn, a "spokesmodel" (wtf) hopes that her pageant experience will help her. Yes, that and her connections to Ed McMahon (RIP) and the Star Search SpokesModel Competition. Kristen, 25 and from Kissimmee, Fla. will "cut a bitch." But perhaps the most terrifying of all is Michelle, a 25 year old Office Manager who is "ready to be a wife." Something about her intensity. And also, Rachel from Friends called, and she wants her vest back.

We get a break from the parade of babies (literally) for a soaping-of-the-midriff as Jake gets ready to meet them. He's going to "let his heart take the lead" as he rides his motorcycle up to the same damn mansion ABC has used for the last several seasons. Sayeth ABe: "I can't believe they're using the same mansion! Bleach everything." Sayeth KMu: "I'm sure many of them did." Query: Does the carpet match the curtains?

Anyway, Chris Harrison interrogates Jake, who admits that he wants un grande amore like his parents and often feels his lack of it on "stormy days." Rainy days and Sundays apparently always get him down. He's been on lots of first dates, but watching himself on Season Miss J makes him realize that hmm, maybe he gets a little too intense on those dates. Flying is a big deal to him, but would he give up flying for a woman who was terrified of it? "You know what, love is more powerful than flying," he says. [everybody drink]. Harkening back to our days of Christian camping, we sing "I will raise you up, on Eagles Wings . . . ." until ABe tells us to stuff it.

At last, the first limo arrives with:
1. Rozlyn, the model who tells The Flying J that her name means "little rose" and that he should "buckle his seatbelt because it's going to be a bumpy ride." [drink]
2. Emily with the teeth, wearing a green dress.
3. Ali (Team Ali!!!) who has lost her voice but brings Jake a Peacock feather because peacocks use them to "attract a mate." We heart you Ali, but that is stupid.
4. A NEW girl, Jessie from Canada who works in cosmetic sales and is wearing a crackho/flamenco dress. And also shrugs her shoulders 5 times, and asks Jake if he has a "registry for these guns" as she squeezes his arms. Meh.
5. Tenley/Ariel (ah ahahah, aha haha ahahahhaa).

Then in Limo #2, we have:
6. Ella the hairstylist. We kind of like her dress, which is somewhat understated and does not have her Girls on display, though we are again freaked by her "how does it feel to be talking to your future wife."
7. A Bath Poof. Oh wait, it is Kathryn the Flight Attendant, another new person, wearing about 30 yards of tulle attached to fuschia spangly Mickey Mouse ears masquerading as a top.
8. Caitlyn the spokesmodel. Aquamarine spangles.
9. Captain Lizzie. Yay!!!
10. Alexis/Gina, seriously looking like a lamp. It is sheer and drapey in the middle, it is short and tight at the thigh, and it is accompanied by black leather gloves. Why? Because she rides a motorcycle, in case we missed it before. And demands that Jake let her ride in his plane in exchange for him driving her bike. [drink].

At this point, we have lost track of limos, so we are just going to pretend we are on Limo #3, which contains:
11. Le Sausage, who wants to feel El Piloto's abs.
12. Corrie from Kissimmee, who completely freaks Jake out by asking him "what do you think about Kissimmee."
13. NBA Dancer Kimberley and her hair helmet of death.
14. Valishia, yet another new chick. Valishia is a 32 year old homemaker whose breasts look like the top of a bread loaf, so sqeezed they are in her dress. We are wondering how someone with the profession of "homemaker" manages to be on this show. More importantly, if she is single, how does she manage to feed herself? Unless by "home maker" we literally mean she is into Shirtless Carpentry like Jake. At any rate, Valishia brought some dirt from Texas so she and the Flying J can have some "common ground."
15. G-Pow. Tight dress. Tan. The Jersey Shore.

In our next fictional limo, we have:
16. Elizabeth the Nanny, in a plunging top. Bad move, Nanny, as we Cannot. Look. Away. From. Breast. Void. and are pretty sure that is not the focus she intended us to have. The Nanny wants Jake to "close yer eyes and pitcher your favorite place. Where would it be?" Jake, trying to bullshit his way with chivalry, says "right here, right now." To which the Nanny responds, "really? Mine is snowboarding." ahahhahhaha. Point 1: Nanny-No-Nips.
17. Channy the Tranny, a 29 year old mortgage loan officer from California who speaks fluent Cambodian. Her drag queen shoes only confirm our suspicion that she was once secretly a small Asian boy.
18. Ashley the teacher. Okay, we love Ashley because in an ad break, KMu showed us a youtube clip of her being Woman of the Year, earning her masters by age 23, inspiring to her students, and so forth. But poor Ashley is wearing the ugliest hot pink dress ever. By now, we are severely fighting the urge to ROY G BV these women in all their jewel tones, and this dress is Not Helping.
19. Tiana. We are pretty sure she has had some work done.
20. Christina the self-described "bitchy" girl who shows up with a basket of jelly beans for the other girls. Party favors for the ones who get cut.

Finally, in the last pretend limo of the evening, we meet:
21. Drunk Ashleigh, a 25 year old "accounting manager" who stumbles into Jake from the limo and clings a little too tightly. "And what kind of accounts do you manage?" wonders KMu.
22. Christina -Cut-A-Bitch.
23. Stephanie, a New Chick and "Dance Teacher/Pom Coach" in a dress like a mountain top.
24. Sheila, the last New Chick. We want to like her because she is a commercial pilot like Jake and gives him a "pair of aviators because you and I are a pair of aviators," thereby displaying the first correct grammar of the evening, except she has a nervous laugh.
25. Michelle, the office manager who literally flies over to El Piloto with her arms outstretched and says "Hopefully in the end, I can be your copilot" [drink], followed by "I would love to be a passenger in your plane" [drink drink].

"Park yourself in my spacious hangar," says PMu.

Because this is long, we will simply note that the cocktail hour is One Big Shamefest of UnPunny Airplane Comments. Drunk Ashleigh wants a "direct flight to romance." [Drink]. Ali confesses that for 8 years, she was terrified of flying. [drink, though we love her]. Corrie from Kissimmee, who we have decided looks like Joan Rivers' daughter Melissa, prioritizes her life as 1. God, 2. Family, 3. Friends. Channey Tranney, after repeating her Cambodian message to Jake, gets a "gee that was pretty" out of El Piloto . . . only to translate her words as: "Jake, you can land your plane on my landing strip any time." [drink]. Honey, we are pretty sure "Pretty" ain't what it is on ol' Channey Tranney's strip.

Ella tells Jakethat her 7 year old son wants to be a pilot. [drink]. Well, when This viewer was 7 years old, we wanted to be a librarian. And now look at us. Anyway, Ashley the teacher changes into a "copilot outfit," which basically translates into Britney Spears a la Toxic, and which we still feel is better than her real dress. [drink]. Nanny-No-Nips thinks that the copilot outfit is "desperate," which is why SHE brought a football to throw with Jake. Said throwing devolves into a football game (blondes versus brunettes, some still wearing their heels), which ends when Jake runs away with the ball, followed by a stampede of women.
"This is like a really fucked up Pied Piper," says KMu. True dat.

Then: da da DUM, Chris Harrison brings out the First Impression Rose. Oh oh oh, and to help give it out, here is Jillian and Ed to interview the ladies!!! We don't see much of this except some dancing, but back at the ranch, Le Sausage has managed to get Jake to feel both up AND down her dress by suggesting that he experience how hard her "heart is racing" and then kiss the bump on her leg from softball. Kathryn the Poof informs him that she wears a fake engagement ring to keep the boys off at her job (flight attendant; okay that makes sense). Stephanie Pom Coach wants to teach him how to dance, Tenley/Ariel (ah ahahah) informs Jake that she checks her credit score, and Michelle . . . has a break down. She is off in the corner crying, wants to express to Jake how she is there to "share her love," says she wants children 4 times in a row, and generally boils a bunny. Ed and Jill suggest to El Piloto that Michelle might be a teensy bit too intense for him.

But, apparently impressed with the credit score checking, the first impression rose goes to Tenley/Ariel (ah ahahah). We are pretty sure we would not give her this, as she has a tinkly voice, pushed for a kiss and then cried about it because she was "not ready," but this is why we are 1) not on the show, and 2) older than every single one of these contestants.

At last, it is time for The Flying J to make our lives easier by narrowing the women down to 15. ABe, KMu and I have our favorites (Ali, Captain Lizzie), and yet he picks to join Tenley/Ariel (ah ahahah):
1. Ella creepy intense boxer lady/momma.
2. Nanny-No-Nips.
3. Ali (thank god).
4. Le Sausage
5. Christina the "bitchy" one.
6. G-Pow.
7. Ashley the teacher (yay!).
8. Rozlyn.
9. Jessie from Canada.
10. Corrie Rivers.
11. Valishia, the mysteriously self-employed "homemaker"
12. Drunk Ashleigh.
13. Kathryn of the Poof.
14. Crazy Michelle.

WHAT????? Ali-One is now our Only Hope. We canNOT believe El Piloto cut Captain Lizzie. We mourn for her, but not so much for the others because really, the pickings were slim to begin with.

We hope you watch this season unfold with us Babies, like a lotus blossom, on the wings of love. We are so glad to be back.

KLo

Miss J, Eh, Part ATFR: If I Could Turn Back Time

We are going to say it: We canNOT believe we stayed up until 11 pm to watch this episode. But in the words of Bryan Adams (who is a much better blues singer than a rocker btw), we do it all for you. And also because we are weirdly obsessed with this show.

Part After the Final Rose begins with this woman in the audience whom we are pretty sure is Trish from Season Jesse. How do we know? Because she is wearing the biggest bouffant horse-face-making short hairdo ever, and because she is in nearly every audience shot. But soon Chris Harrison appears and relieves us of this vision, only to announce that we are not only going to ATFR about this season, but we must ATFRpartAfterpartAgain about Melissa from Season Big Daddy.

Out comes Melissa, and she really does look fabulous, though far too skinny. And we secretly wonder if ABC is trying to accentuate the difference between this show and the "Fat Bachelor" it has sold to Fox by starving all of the contestants here. Blah blah Melissa "bounced back" and took up with an old boyfriend, Todd, shortly after being dumped by Big D. Then came Dancing With the Stars, and now she is a Media Force and cannot be trifled with again. Did Big Daddy make the right decision to pick Molly. "Oh, YEAH," says Melissa, "and also, Molly will not age well."

[ad break: Horsey woman/Trish clapping]

Out comes Kiptyn! Except KMu thinks that it is Dr. Travis Stork from season Dr. Travis Stork, so interchangable is he with all prior "dudes." Poor Kiptyn must watch his "journey" with Miss J (everybody drink) and has to take a deep breath, so raw is the emotion still after All This Time. Oh, it "reminds him of how he felt. He clearly fell in love with Jill. To gave it go from what I thought was the start of us to the end of us was crushing." Oh! Bobble-head audience women nod in sympathy.

And then . . . out comes Miss J to meet Kiptyn for the First Time since the Dumping. We are unsure if this was planned, as she appears for all the world to have fashioned her dress out of the bedsheets she ripped into strips to make the rope she used to escape the house that ABC built. Or alternatively, toilet paper. They hug and are nice, but Miss J tells Kiptyn that there wasn't anything more he could have done. He, of course, also has no regrets because he gave the big confession of love when he was ready, and not before then.

So on we go to unlucky contestant #2: Reid. We must admit, Reid is not faring as well as an upstanding dude here. This Local Viewing Audience concludes that he should have kept the glasses, as he had us all Under His Spell until their removal somewhere toward the bitter end. Anyway, Reid obviously has no business on national television at this point, as he is still totally smitten with Jillian, painfully not in control of his mouth, and still reeling from getting The Dump two times in a row. He "flew back," gentle readers, "bought a ring . . . it wasn't the best ring because I didn't have a lot of time, you know, but I didn't think the competition was really that big." He thought it was going to be a "slamdunk," but was obviously wrong. He wishes he could have "reversed and done things differently" insofar as telling Jillian more about his feelings, etc. [cut to horsey bouffant Trish looking woman].

"If I could turn back tiiiiiiime," we sing. And then, KMu and this viewer discover that ABe has NEVER SEEN Cher's video to this song. So we must interrupt the BNU for a screening of Cher and her Leather Onesie of Death. Oh, the servicemen! Oh, the big guns! Oh the sudden shock of the leather thong! We debate whether the markings upon her buttocks are a tattoo or cushion imprint. If we could turn back time, babies, we'd give it All To You.

But back to questions from Reid to Jill, which are a little harsh:
Reid: "When I came back, was there a part of you that wanted to say 'yes?'"
Miss J: "Nope."
Reid: "If I had told you how I felt about you sooner, would that have changed things?"
Miss J: "Not even a little bit. I was in love with Ed."
Then Reid completely clams up, gets cagey about asking any more questions, Miss J tries to fill the empty void with inane commentary, Chris Harrison asks unsuccessfully bating questions, and at last we are saved by Laura Ingalls Wilder who stands up from the audience and asks Reid if he will go out with her. "How old are you?" he asks because we all secretly know she is about 12. "Thank heaven, for little girls," we sing.

And at last, we are to Jill and Ed. Ed comes out and announces that he is so relieved to finally be going public with this thing. Oh, they are so happy, having spent almost every day together in the last few months. We are impressed by this revelation, as we previously understood contestants to be permitted only a few clandestine visits during airing of the show. But irregardless (that one is for you, Miss J), she is, like, totally moving in with him in Chicago, and they will be married at some point in the next 12 months! If we had a dollar for every contestant who said that, we would buy our own Ugly Ring, but we are still going to be happy for them.

[again, weird cut to big horsey woman hair in the audience and omg is she wearing dayglo makeup???]

As we fade into the distance we are left witih a local from Miss J's trip to Spain explaining to the happy couple: "Der is a leeegion that says if yoo cross under diiis arch, holding hands, you weel be marrieed." [which of course, Jillian wants to run under twice]. And then, a question from the audience: "So, is everything okay in the bedroom now?" To which Miss J responds that the only problem is that they can't get enough of the bedroom. Augh T.M.I. and also we are traumatized and now ABe is swearing she will never return to watch another episode with this viewer.

And with that awkward series of clips and filler, we are done. We will not be blogging More to Love because we are morally opposed. And also, low hanging fruit never tastes as sweet. But we have enjoyed our season with you, gentle readers, and hope that you tune in next time to the BNU.

Much Love,
KLo