Dolly Pemily Part 2: Let's Hit It

So DP Part 2 begins with Ricky and friends playing in the park, as the Pemily receives sage advice from the friends' mothers to just "be yourself."  We don't really hear this, as we are so excited that Dolly Pemily has an Indian friend.  We thank her for being subversive of ABC in her own quiet way.  Spoiler:  we start to like Dolly Pemily more by the end of this episode.

Meanwhile, back at the Chez Abs, our host is explaining the rules of the game to the men.  Blah blah 1:1 Sudden Death dates, blah blah group dates.  As we scan the crowd, we realize that if Dolly Pemily has a Type, that Type includes ridiculous hair.  At any rate, Chris Harrison deposits date card #1 on a table and scuttles into the shrubs.  "This just got real," says one dude.  COME ON. (everybody drink).  Corporate Chris hopes the card is for him, but alas, the card is for Ryan with all his mossy mossy hair.  We secretly think Ryan looks like the Incredible Hulk, except taupe.  

Oh, this is going to be good, for Taupe Hulk has just uttered the words "pastor" and "queen."  That's right, babies.  The date card says " Be my king in Queen City." Yay, we are all going to Boys Town!!!!   And T. Hulk is pumped, for he "likens this to a football game in which he never expects to lose." Lo, for his "pastor always said that if you treat a woman like a Queen, she will treat you like a King."  So basically, what this viewer is hearing is that Hulk is going to feed Dolly Pemily jello shots from his bellybutton while she performs Culture Club's rendition of "Papa, Can You Hear Me?" in a wig and high heels. We just had a seizure. 

As Hulk changes from a thin black t-shirt to a thin blue one, the boys play at the pool.  We are not exactly sure what manflesh belongs to what man, as ABC has chosen to film only from the neck down. . .  Until DP shows up in jeans and a top mercifully covering BOTH of her shoulders to pick up the Hulk.  He asks if he can take her hand, and we give him points for gentlemanlyness. 

So Our Taupeness dreams of jumping out of helicopters and is somewhat deflated to learn that they are going ot DP's house to make cookies for a bunch of soccer girls, including Little Ricky.  As she tells him that he will be helping her get groceries out of the car, his face freezes.  As she puts him in an apron, he expresses concern for his manliness.  And while all of this is lighthearted, we conclude that We Don't Like The Hulk (all of us).  He generally says everything right, except that we can't help but feel that if she Challenge His Authority down the road, he will go off about how God appointed man the head of the family.  And if that is one's Thing, then okay, but we don't really think it's Dolly Pemily's.  Exhibit A:  The Wombat.

After concluding that making cookies is "romantic," Dolly Pemily makes the Hulk sit in the car as she brings the cookies to Little Ricky.  Basically, she doesn't want Hulk to meet Ricky, but she will allow him to stalk her from a car parked a discrete distance away.  [Back at the ranch, Dong speculates that DP will not allow anyone to meet Ricky until the very end.  We heart Dong, despite that sounding dirty.].

We love Dolly Pemily for saying Hulk's next task will be to wrangle a bunch of 6 year olds cracked out on sugar at Chuckie Cheese, but unfortunately, it is actually to go to dinner.  She, in a red lace minidress with one arm, and he driving the fancy car while chewing gum with his mouth open.  Gentle readers, he tells DP over wine that he has had two girlfriends who "meant something," yet he likes the chase.  DP asks what happens when he's caught her, and he changes the topic to whether she will allow a man into her life.  Dolly Pemily's deposition skills are seriously rusty as she allows him to lead her off-topic.  Blah blah she's most beautiful in the kitchen (yeah, he said it), blah blah they end the evening dancing on a pedestal in front of a raging crowd to a song that has "kissssss" as every second word.  "Let's Hit It," she says.  Remarkably, they don't.  Even more remarkably, he can dance. 

The Hulk earns another point for the dancing.  This viewer actually had a dream last night about doing improv dance again, which we clearly Could Not Do as we could not get off the floor if we were to sit on it.  Yet our dream partner was the second place winner from American Ninja Warrior (West Coast Division) (Season Four) and not the Hulk.  True Story.

Anyway, Hulk gets the rose.  Somewhere along the way, DP says he reminds her of the Wombat. RUN, Dolly, RUN.

So the second date card arrives, for, we think, thirteen men, including Charlie, Latin (Alejannndro) and Other Latin (Alessandro), Nate, Tony the lumber trader (a/k/a Mr. Wood), Pretty Michael, Jef(f), Corporate Chris, John, Kyle, Eric, Kalon, and Ducky from Pretty in Pink (a/k/a/ Steve).  "Let's set the stage for life" it reads.  "J'adore le stage," murmurs Kalon/Colon.  We think he looks like a banana pancake.  And not in a good way.

Turns out, this group is going to be doing a little Muppets Take Charlotte to support Dolly's dead husband's charity at the local hospital.  So when this viewer was little, we did a variety show every summer with our cousins, appropriately called "The Show."  And, we have very fond memories of our sister, ERo, age 4, in a hooded sweater and tutu playing the part of The Chicken to our very own Swedish Chef.  So we are somewhat dismayed to see that Miss Piggy and Kermit have Destroyed All Our Happiness by appearing on the Bachelorette.  Smut and puppets don't mix in healthy ways, babies.  Just ask Japan.

Suddenly we are sidetracked.  There is a woman teaching a group how to dance.  WE COULD BE THAT WOMAN.  We restart our campaign to appear on the Bachelor frachise in some Menial Role. Otherwise, the main thing that we get out of this date is that Dolly Pemily's mother, who is sitting in the audience with Ricky, looks like she is 35 years old.  That woman must bathe in blood.  As we ponder how some people can be so Well Preserved, Charlie is terrified about speaking in public because he is still recovering his speech after falling 15 stories, Ducky dances with Miss Piggy while Dolly Pemily tepidly shakes one hip, Jef(f) charmingly proposes to Miss Piggy, there is some Mercifully Brief stand-up comedy, and then . . . Chris Harrison destroys ALL OUR HAPPINESS once again by becoming Statler to the real life Waldorf, making bad jokes from the stage.  We are distraught.  Babies, they even ruined The Rainbow Connection.

We are extremely upset by the end of this date, and barely pay attention to it's "Now We're On a RoofTop Bar So We All Can Drink" conclusion.  Dolly is wearing another black lace see-through ensemble (which Mr. Wood loves), Corporate Chris feels he has meaningful 1:1 time with DP (meh), Jef(f) has better 1:1 time with her (meh meh), and Ducky takes Dolly into the world of middle school dances during his 1:1 time.  Yes, babies, in the words of Tracy Jordan, he loves the Bachelorette so much he wants to take her back behind the middle school and get her pregnant.  Meanwhile, Colon uses his brief conversation with Dolly to talk about how, back home in Texas, things are "great with" the ladies and we vomit a little in our mouths. Ducky also takes umbrage, picking a little verbal fight with the Colon. 

In the end, Jef(f) gets the rose.  While he has truly horrible hipster  hair, we think this is reasonable.

The final date is with Joe Van Der Beek at Somewhere In Time Hotel.  We know he is going home when he receives the date card  ("Come close to my heart") wearing a turquoise and pink plaid shirt.  This viewer once inherited pink and turquoise argyle socks from our other sister, SHa, who had deemed them Too Ugly to Grace Her Sixth Grade Feet.  We wore those socks into the ground, and then for good measure recycled them into a watch band.  Even the cross-eyed boy who sat beside us in class decided not to have a crush on us that year.  So, we know that Joe VDB is doomed.

Sure enough, and despite Dolly Pemily's best attempt to be a Fairy Princess in a pink and no doubt very sweaty heavy dress, conversation with Mr Beek is meaningless, at best.  What will he be doing in five years, babies?  Hopefully having "no regrets."  We snort, and think about the Pink and Turquoise Monstrosity he wore earlier in the day.  While Dolly Pemily again gamely says "let's hit it," we know, alas, that she will not.  Dolly Pemily then takes him to the Love Clock, which is apparently the South's version of the Wailing Wall, into which people press fervently scribbled papers containing their hopes and dreams with their new love. And, after reading his hope that he will be with her, Dolly Pemily axes him.  He drives off into the sunset.  Fireworks explode above.

The most interesting part about all of this is what is not happening on the date.  Colon is in the hot tub, skulking about Dolly Pemily putting her life as a mother on hold to go on this show, and Dong bites his head off.  Dong says that every day he is a dad, and the only reason he is even here, now, is that his 12 year old son finally told him "You know how you are always telling me to try new things?  I think you need to do this for yourself." Oh!! We love Dong and his son!!

One more hard edit later, and Dolly Pemily's mother is helping her to step into a horrible purple dress.  Dolly arrives at the rose ceremony.  "Hey every. body." she says before Chris Harrison whisks her away, and she comes back out to pick (joining Jef(f) and the Hulk):

1.  Colon.  WTF.
2.  Hot Wheels
3.  Pretty Michael
4.  Nate (who is this?)
5.  Sean.  We think he sells insurance.
6.  Corporate Chris.
7.  Dong.  YAY.
8. Travis. (again, who is this?)
9. Mr. Wood.
10.  John the Data Destruction Dude.
11. Latin
12.  Other Latin.
13.  Charlie, and . . 
14.  Ducky.

Wow, the biology teacher who hoped he "had chemistry with" Dolly Pemily apparently did not.  And also, neither did Kyle the financial guy who we don't know at all.

Stay tuned for next week, when there are roller coasters, tears, and Real life Dolly Parton.  But rmember, babies, this Viewer will be in Italy for the next two weeks.  We *May* be able to blog during our absence, but if not, we shall catch up when we return . ..

Arrivaderci, babies. 'Til June 11.

KLo.

Dolly Pemily Part Damn You Local ABC Affiliate

This viewer's entire local ABC affiliate was down last night from 8 pm on.  We were. Denied. Our. Viewing. Pleasure. By the Blue Screen of Death enscripted with "Please don't call us. We know we are an Epic Fail of availability right now and our own inability to bring you Dolly Pemily is consequently going to now force you to watch American Ninja Warrior.  Season four."

While awesome in its own right, ANW is still not the particular set of warriors . . .for loooove . .. in which we are  most interested.  But never fear, my babies.  We suspect that ABC will post the show to its website at some point today, at which time we shall Ride Again.

Dolly Pemily Part One: Amish Romance

Gentle viewers, season Dolly Pemily begins as an Amish lovestory.  That's right:  as their "image" for this season, ABC has pictured DP among the wheat, Heroically Holding her Child as she Looks Forward to Her New Future, Alone Yet Strong after the death of Her Everything.  All we need is a jealous woman laying in wait to beat the crap out of DP with a pipe while the evil town drunkard secretly stares at her through a peephole, and we would have the first (and last) americana romance that this viewer read.  But, we firmly suspect that all of these things will be "coming up, on season Dolly Pemily," anyway. Yay!

So here we are with Dolly Pemily and her daughter Ricky.  Oh! They are playing in the grass in pink and red pants!  Oh!  They are on the swingset in the same pants!  "My swing must be broken," concludes DP as she is unable to achieve liftoff during said swingscapade.  "No," sayeth KMu, "You are just top heavy."  And that is when we realize:  there is something new about Dolly Pemily, and it is either a serious wonderbra, or homegirl bought her some extra padding.  It may look "good" now, DP, but just remember that in 50 years, those suckers will be swinging like tetherballs.

We are not Girl Enough for the onslaught of pink which continues to attack our eyeballs as we get to know our Bachelorette.  Ricky is brushing her teeth in pink jammies, before Dolly Pemily helps her into a pink-pillowed bed.  DP herself is wearing some sort of pink flashdancy sweatshirt around the house and to make pancakes in the morning. But all is not well in this pink household. For in the evenings, gentle viewers, Dolly Pemily gets "really lonely."  We see her wandering around her pink house, looking at a magazine, and then finally going up to her bedroom. "Click. Buzzzzzzzzzzz." says one member of the BNU staff who shall not be named as her mother reads this blog. 

After DP on a horse, and flashbacks to her relationship with the Wombat, we are finally ready to have an awkward transition to some of the men ABC has chosen for Our Lady.  Really, this episode is awful because of all the listmaking it requires, so let's just get it over with:

1.  Kelon, a 27 year old self professed "reformed womanizer" who seems to think it makes it all better to further describe himself as "young, fun, goodlooking, with a few dollars in my pocket." Darling, if you must use those adjectives for yourself, you are none of the above (except young), and also, your job as as a "luxury brand consultant" means you fold shirts in the Gucci store.

2.  Ryan, a former pro football player who now owns a sports facility and has hair like moss on a rock.

3. Tony from Beavertown, who is a lumber trader.  Ahaaaa.  And also, a single dad.

4.  BEHOLD.  A POC!!!  Levone, a real estate consultant with a little dog, has seriously rocked the whiteness of this show.  That lawsuit must be getting to ABC.  But rest assured, babies -- we know that no amount of hotness will get him past the fourth round.

5.  David, a NY hipster singer/songerwriter that we know is going to annoy the shizzles out of us (all of us), as he caterwauls "Emmmmilllyyyyyy wa-ooooohhhhhh" on the piano, with a sound-over of him rattling on and on about the Dolly being the "quintessential perfect woman."  We know your type, Peter Pan man, and we do not like you.

6.  Charlie, a recruiter who recently fell 15 feet when a deck collapsed, breaking several ribs and sustaining a serious brain injury.  We like Charlie, despite ourselves, and think he and Emily might be able to keep up with each other's witty banter.

7.  Jef, who is such a hipster that (a) he has forgotten the other "f" in his name, and (b) he rides a skateboard at 27.  But babies, he is an "entrepreneur" of bottled water.  We KNEW that hipsters who can't spell were responsible for all the garbage patches floating around in our beloved oceans.  Fill your own bottle, gentle readers.

8.  Arie, a race car driver.  Because, you know, that worked well the first time around.

Then suddenly, we are ripped from The Men in order to see Dolly Pemily get ready for her date.  And we know, like we know our very soul, that Dolly Pemily is Beyond Our Understanding.   Lo, for this woman has the Biggest Kaboodle KMu has Ever Seen.  And it is filled, we mean FILLED, with bottles, brushes, and all manner of alchemy. 

So, back in the ballet days, this viewer had a tackle box which housed our fake bun (a/k/a "the hamburger"), hair pins, and makeup.  And between those days and our wedding 800 years later, we are pretty sure that we have not owned more than one or two things of makeup, which we forget to wear and then throw out.  If we are the snail at the bottom of the grand canyon of Female Wiles, Dolly Pemily is Mount Everest. 

Except, what the hell kind of mesh contraption is said Mount wearing to keep her boulders in place, so to speak?  Oh right, it is the Mother of the Bride version of an iceskating outfit.  It has one shoulder strap.  It is the color of a "flesh" crayon back before Crayola learned about racial diversity.  It has spangles in all the right places, which apparently do not include the midesection area, or the entire back.   And also, did we mention the mesh?   After a momentary flicker of "like," we hate this dress (all of us) and secretly hope that one of the men snags her back mesh with his watch while hugging her hello.  If any of them wear a watch.  Or can tell time. 

We become depressed.

But here is our host, Chris Harrison, making "I'm newly single" goggly eyes at our bachelorette as she exclaims that she just "can't believe" that she's the bachelorette and is so looking forward to meeting her husband.  Blah blah yawn and here come the limos with (more lists . . brace yourself).

1.  Sean an insurance agent with chicken little hair.
2. David hipster singer/songwriter.
3.  Doug, which this viewer repeatedly reads as "Dong." A single dad and charity director.
4.  Jackson a fitness model, who goes down on one knee in a pink shirt.  Tool.
5.  Joe, whom we despise more than Jackson because he does a monkey dance and has hair like James VanDerBeek.
6. Hot Wheels (Arie the racecar driver).
7.  Kyle, a financial advisor (meh).
8.  Chris, a Corporate Sales Director.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOULD ABC STOP SHOWING DOLLY PEMILY TURNING AROUND SO THAT WE CAN STOP LOOKING AT THAT MESHY FLESHY BACK.  that is all.

9.  Aaron, who is a "biology teacher by trade, but he has chemistry with" Dolly Pemily.  ABe screams in agony.
10.  Allessssssssannnnnndro from Brazil.  Ah, Dios mio.
11. Jef(f), who skateboards _behind_ the limo, holding onto the bumper.  Dear Jef(f), this is not Back To the Future.
12.  Levone.  Goodbye, sweet black prince.
13.  Steve, a party MC from New Jersey who plays a little jam box of music and does a twirl.  Yes, yes, Steve, we are confident that a conservative single mother from North Carolina would delight in marrying someone who markets themselves as a DJ and dancer.
14.  Charlie.
15.  Tony the lumber guy from beavertown.  Who gives her a glass slipper, says that he is prince charming, and indicates that "me and my princess will be happy forever."

News flash, Tony:  This Viewer is pretty sure that Prince Charming did not propose to his princess until after he had learned grammar.

16.  A man dressed like an old lady.  Great, now we have a cross-dresser.  His name is Randy, and we hope he gets the axe.
17.  Nate an accountant, who apparently "smells good" to Dolly Pemily.  Sadly, our television is not scratch and sniff.
18.  Brent, who has a very awkwardly placed mole.  And is also a technology salesman.
19.  John, who goes by "wolf," because he apparently thinks That Is Awesome. He is a data destruction specialist.  So is this viewer.  We call it Using A Computer.
20.  Travis, in advertising.  He brings Dolly Pemily an ostrich egg, which he promises to carry around with the love and tenderness for which he will care for Dolly Pemily and Ricky. 

We wonder if Travis got this idea from high school parenting class.  We also wonder how long his chicken egg lasted in high school, and secretly suspect that a Scrambled Catastrophe is what propelled him to chose an ostrich egg this time around. 

21.  Michael, a rehab specialist.  Okay, this little baby is cute, but he needs to cut his hair.  Of course, as KMu points out, he could form a chain with Dolly Pemily and Ricky and they could all brush each other's luscious locks.
22. Jean-Paul, a marine biologist.  Well, he's obviously dead in the water because he's far too smart for this particular bachelorette.
23. Alleeeeejaaaaaannnndro, a mushroom farmer from Columbia.
24.  Ryan, Mr. Moss hair.
25. aaaaand. . . . Kalon.  In a helicopter.  He is not worthy of more words devoted to him. 

If a "bathed in a soft fuzzy glow" high school senior picture could come to life, it would be this cocktail party.   Dolly Pemily wanders around inarticulately murmering quiet nothings and "pleased to meet you's" after announcing herself to be a "hopeless romantic."  Various boys attempt to approach our fair maiden. 

Chris, the sales dude, gives DP bobble heads that look like both of them.  We would like to remind Chris that when giving a woman a gift designed to look like her, it is wisest if her Likeness does not look more manish than you.  Jef(f) gives Dolly Pemily a "cool vibe."  Dong captures our hearts by saying "that's my baby" about his 12 year old son, who wrote a letter for DP about how awesome his dad is.  Kalon is hated by everyone (shocker) and creates minor drama by not wanting to give DP up during 1:1 time.  Hot Wheels is reassured that DP is completely okay with dating a racecar driver.  We feel his eyes are too close together.

Aaaaand, the First Impression Rose goes to Dong!!! Yay!!! Joining him are:

1.  Chris bobble-head dude (really?)
2.  Ryan moss-head
3.  Kalon (REALLY??)
4. Hot Wheels.
5.  Charlie.
6. Jef(f)
7.  Nate the accountant.
8.  Sean (insurance sales).
9. Joe VanDerBeek
10. Kyle, financial advisor.
11. Aaron the biology teacher
12.  Alejjjjjjaaaaaandro
13.  John "Wolf" data dude.
14.  Allesssssaaaaanddroooo
15.  Pretty Michael.
16.  Joe the MC
17. Tony the lumber guy
18.  Travis with the egg.

Poor Levone, he is knocked out in the first round, as is the fitness model, the marine biologist, some guy who is a dad of 6 kids (wow), and surely some others that I am forgetting.

As the credits fade to the fitness model's decision to strip down to show his abs (meh) before he is never again heard from, we are grateful this episode and all its listy-ness is over.  And also, are excited for this coming season, in which Our Heroine At Last Finds Love while cliff-diving and forgetting her pants, and when DOLLY PARTON makes an appearance.  Our worlds just collided.

'til next week, dear folk.
KLo

BNU Part WE MET A PRODUCER

Babies. Once upon a spring time, ABe and this viewer dragged our deep winter frozen caracases to an undergraduate film class for the chance to meet a Legitimate Real Life Producer of the Bachelor. Afterwards, we shuffled up to said LRLP and asked the following:

"What's up with The Kitty?"

"And also, why don't you have a dead rose, you know, for the bachelor/ette to give out to the one person he or she really really does NOT want to see come back for "closure."

For the record, he took our suggestion on the dead rose (though not, alas, on removing The Kitty). Therefore, if said rose appears in all its dying glory on Season Dolly Pemily, let it be known that we at the BNU are are doing our best, even in the off-season, to reduce the Eternal Rage Felt By Us All at the Continual Return of People We Don't Care About.

And speaking of returns, we would be remiss if we were to ignore one teensy scheduling problem. While this viewer will be in the country for the first two episodes of Le Pemily, we will, um, beinItaly for the next several episodes. We shall do our very best to find the interwebs and blog from afar, but as this is our honeymoon, we do hope you forgive us for any tardiness that may result.

Until then, gentle readers, adieu.

The Bitch is Back

Let the record reflect that this viewer will be coming out of retirement to blog the Return of Dolly Pemily. We at the BNU are Officially Back.

Wombat Part Finale: The End

Babies, after 10 years, we would like to announce that this is the End of the Road, for both the Wombat and This Viewer. This blog started as an email to a few friends, and grew to 143 blog posts, 200-250 steady readers, and many mini-bottles of the Sutter Wine. We have enjoyed it so much, but think that it is time to move our pen in another direction, and to get more sleep on Monday nights. Thank you so very much for reading. Drop a comment below this post, if you would like to tell me where you're from.

Without further ado, but with some sadness, we begin The Wombat: Part Finale. As the Wombat recaps the women and the difficult choice he is about to make, we are interrupted by “HEY-OH!!” Oh “African Choir singing in African Language,” we and Closed Captioning have missed you. The Wombat, gazing over his balcony at the part of Cape Town, announces that he is “looking out at what seems to be the whole world.” Ah, this must be Sarah Palin’s Cape Town.

After flashbacks of his insipid conversations with the women (“Let’s just say that he and Dolly Pemily aren’t going to win at charades,” says KMu), the Wombat is ready, babies, to introduce Chantally Lace and Dolly Pemily to his family. It is a “truly necessary step.” How fortunate for him, as his family suddenly is there, hiking through the brush towards him. And then there is crying, and scrawny sisters in law named “Dillon” and “Prima” (she was somebody’s cousin), and a mother in too much makeup. And the Wombat’s twin brother. Says ABe, “Wow, Chad is way hotter than the Wombat.”

After some tears evoked by family togetherness, the doorbell rings. “Hang tight, I need some time with my woman,” says the Wombat. WTF. Oh, it is just Chantally Lace, with the most burned chest we have ever seen. As she chatters on and on about “what really made me knew that I loved Brad . . .” was running through the rain with a wine glass (because that was so much like real life) we once again feel the death of grammar in America. Then Chad the Hot Brother is talking again, and we don’t hear anything except waves of hotness. “He really is 10,000 times hotter than his brother,” marvels ABe.

So blah blah, there is a lovefest between Chantally Lace and the Mom:
“You’re precious!”
“So are you!”
“You’re fabulous!”
“So are you!”
And off goes Chantally Lace into the sunset after a little smooch. Boy howdy, does this viewer think Chantally Lace kisses like crap, but the Wombat is undeterred: “If everything works out, I will marry her.”

The next day, it’s Dolly Pemily’s turn for the big family visit. She shows up with flowers all wrapped up, and for a moment we think it is a baby in the swaddling clothes. Oops. Before they go inside, the Wombat feels that he needs to coach Dolly Pemily: “You aren’t shy, you are just private.” We fight down our annoyance.

This time, brother Wes (not the hot one) ends up stepping in it when he asks Dolly Pemily how Ricki’s father would feel about her moving to Austin. The Wombat freaks out: “This ah . . ok. . . um not a good time . . but . . ah . . . maybe later.” Dolly Pemily shows more grace as she tells her story about her fiancee’s death, though she still can’t say “he was killed.” But it is enough. Prima has folded herself around one pointy clavicle, crying heavily.

The Wombat’s brothers quiz him about whether he is ready to be a dad, he insists he is ready, and the Wombat’s mother, Pamela, declares that she feels like she’s meeting his future wife. Babies, the most meaningful part of the whole day was when the Dolly Pemily told Pamela that the Wombat is her “angel.” Pamela gets choked up again telling it. The sisters-in-law also approve, because “as a mom, she would fit into our world.” WTF. But it is Chad the Hot Brother who saves the day from insipidity again, observing that there is a “huge difference between a wallflower and someone with poise. And Dolly Pemily is just extremely poised.” We heart Chad the Hot Brother.

We can all see where this is going.

But first, we must watch a final date with Chantally Lace, on a party boat in Cape Town. This viewer once took a party boat sightseeing trip in Mexico. Alcohol, waves, thirty people, and two toilets don’t mix, gentle readers.

But Chantally Lace isn’t thinking about the perils of party boating, as she is simply thrilled to have forgotten her pants one last time for the Bachelor. We conclude this is a wise move, as the Wombat announces that they are going to swim with the sharks in a little cage off the side of the boat. As we would completely pee our wetsuit, Chantally’s pantslessness suddenly makes sense. Except when she comes out of the dressing room, she seems to have forgotten her top. We cannot get past this, and apparently neither can her wetsuit zipper, which just stays open for the next 20 minutes despite the absence of top.

Since they survived the shark situation, Chantally Lace and the Wombat move on to a short visit at her place that night. Oh look, she has given him a message in a bottle! It is a map of the world, tracing all of their significant relationship steps, such as where she slapped him for the first time . . . . and the last time . . . . She has also included a personal note, on register tape. He unrolls it and reads, “blah blah fell in love. Blah blah, I choose you, please choose me.” It is actually a nice note, but we must deduct points from Chantally Lace for writing something that would inevitably be read in its entirety to the television viewing audience.

Off we go on final date #2 with Dolly Pemily, the next day. And we suddenly retract all that we said about Chantally Lace’s pantslessness, for DP is wearing a button down shirt cut up to where her future saddlebags will be, and boots. And it is windy. We are suddenly terrified, as Dolly Pemily attempts to hold down the fort in both front and back while walking towards a helicopter, up a mountain, and sitting in the wind on said mountain.

While they sit down and scream at each other over the wind about what it means to have children and be a father, Dolly Pemily has one hand scraping her hair out of her face and one hand holding down her “dress.” “I wish I had a hat for her,” says ABe. “A hat and pants.”

That night, the Wombat heads over to Dolly Pemily’s place to have what he believes is the “most important conversation” with her. He confesses that, “Ever since the Cape. The Windy Windy Cape,” he has been thinking about how ready he is to be a father, and he asks Dolly Pemily to open her life to him so that he can do that. And it all goes downhill. Dolly Pemily pushes him on whether he knows how hard and “not always fun” it will be. And the Wombat, viewing this as questioning his sincerity and trying to sabotage the relationship, gets mad. In a nutshell, he feels “defeated.”

Babies, we are in the badlands of the Wombat’s limited emotional range/understanding. And it does not look good for Dolly Pemily.

The very next day, however, is the Final Rose Ceremony. Suddenly, we are in the part of the book where each chapter is written by a different person, as we ping-pong between the Wombat, Dolly Pemily, and Chantally Lace’s views of the world while they get ready to find out who the Wombat has chosen. We hate Chantally Lace’s dress, for which she killed and denuded a small black bird. But, we love Dolly Pemily’s dress, even though we realize with a shock (as she steps out of the limo and into direct sunlight) that it is completely see-through.

Let’s just get it out of the way: He picks Dolly Pemily. Now this viewer owes DLei a dollar. And while the proposal is sweet and tender, we are actually more mesmerized by the engagement happening on the Fancy Feast commercial during the break. Over ABe’s wails of never getting those minutes back, KMu revokes our remote control privileges.

But here is the thing: we are suddenly whisked into the After the Final Rose episode, which is historically the following week. And we don’t know what to say, because the Wombat is there proclaiming his love for Dolly Pemily, while simultaneously stating that they broke up for awhile, and that he doesn’t know they are still engaged and he is “hoping she will tell me.” They have, apparently, not seen each other for a month. But out she comes to say that she loves him. She informs him that they are still engaged, but says that he has a temper, they have volatile fights, and they have some things to work through.

(this is all after Chantally Lace comes out, cries awhile about the difficult loss of the Wombat, and announces that despite this difficulty, she has moved on with someone new).

We feel bad for Dolly Pemily, as we know that she is now with someone that is going to be very hard to shake. We know where this is going for her, and feel sad.

Thank god that we have Bachelor Nation’s “successful couples,” to guide us through this difficult time: Trista & Ryan, Big Daddy and Molly who will Not Age Well, and Ali and Roberto. We still love Ryan, even though he wrote that poem and drew a white tiger for Trista (whatever works for her). And Molly still will not age well.

And so it ends, in a cliffhanger for the Wombat, and the end of the book for this viewer. Thank you, my own Bachelor Nation, for the ride.


-Kelly Hartzler (KLo)

Wombat Part The Women Tell All: Recycled Bachelor

Babies, our ears are still bleeding from two hours. TWO. HOURS. of screetchiting at the level of a feral raccoon/the Jonas Brothers. We don't like The Women Tell All episode for oh so many reasons, and all were brought forcibly to mind last night. We secretly wish that ABC would stop with this episode of filler before the Big Reveal.

As Chris Harrison interviews Wombat, on tape, about how he liked being the "Recycled Bachelor," we look bleakly into the viewing audience, and this is what we find: Suzanne Somers circa that horrible shag haircut. So, when this viewer was a child, we would regularly go to summer stock theater in the round (we realize this explains a lot). Across from this viewer's season seats were the seats of a man and the piece of leather with a platinum top that he married. As the summer would progress, we would watch a perfect diamond of black hair emerge from the scalp of the Leather Lady, suddenly to disappear and be replaced with platinum blonde approximately every 4 weeks. But one year, Leather Lady and her husband stopped coming. We had thought they died, but no, they had just relocated to the Viewing Audience of the Women Tell All. We are blinded by the platinum glory.

But now we must pay attention again to the Wombat, who is recapping the women for what will be the 300th time. Blah blah Chantally Lace slapping him at the beginning of the show (ABe reacts in outrage that her skirt is short in front and long in back. We hate a mullet dress.). Blah blah the Dentist was fabulous. Blah blah Fangs saying goodbye in her prayer-shawl-and-nothing-else dress. Blah blah BBM has "a lot of game" and he was "blindsided by her beauty."

So then we must sit through a promo for "The Bachelor Pad 2." Babies, we will NOT be watching this show, as we are still so horrified by the promotion of it that we forget to really pay attention to what is happening on the TV. Apparently, there is now a "Bachelor Nation" that is "500 strong and counting." Yes, babies. They may be a displaced people, but they walk their trail of tears from New York to L.A. , where ABC has created reservations to protect their cherished community, in which alcoholism runs rampant.

Our eyes are then accosted by our former Beloved, Richard the Science Teacher (R.I.P.), whom we forgive for going to parties thrown by ABC where former contestants get drunk and hook up. We do not, however, forgive Kasey "Guard and Protect Her Heart" from season Ali for hooking up with La Ca, still in a tiara. And then there's Le Sausage, being all giddy about having been cast on the Bachelor Pad 2, Craigslist sticking his tongue down somebody's throat, and Gia complaining about Le Sausage sleeping with Wes. Well Gia, they say, they say that love, it don't come eeeeeeaaaaaaaassssyyyy.

And now we are on to the show. There is a pack of women on stage, and this is the only thing worth mentioning: The Dentist looks awful. Fake Tan. New Brunette hair. Orangy-red lipstick. It's like someone dressed up a piece of fruit leather. We are sad for her, as she looks about 40 years older than she really is.

Really, this episode is too painful to recap, so we are going to shirk our duties and say that Broke Back Michelle was "under attack." She has now remembered that she has a child, and beats that drum relentlessly: "I missed my child. I went on the show for my child." yadda yadda. The women aren't buying it. Jackie the Artist calls her a "spider" for being "creepy and someone people are scared of," and Stacey the BARTENDER says she is a bad role model for her child. vOther women come to BBM's defense. This is all done at such an irritating pitch that we almost cannot handle it. Oh, and as a cherry on top, we must also relive the whole "Melissa v. Raichel" fight that bored us so much the first time that we refused to write about it.

Needless to say, this culminates in Chris Harrison jumping down off the couch to kneel beside BBM in comfort. Or, as KMu says, "Rescue Broke Back, The Bodyguard Style."
"And IIIIeeeeiiiiieeeeeIIIII, will always love youuuuUUUUUUuuuuu," sings ABe.
As Broke Back cries and Chris Harrison comforts, the women call off the attack. BBM is not such a bad person. Yes, she's a good mom. And oh, life would not have been the same without her every Monday night.

"What happens Monday nights?" asks ABe, completely serious.

Oh ABe, we love you.

So then The Nanny takes the "Hot Seat," and we don't understand her dress. It is shiny and gold, and "looks like it caught on the door on the way in," (sayeth KMu). She, like the rest of the "Bachelor Nation" has forgotten her pants. The Nanny starts to cry as she describes how she's been in a "lot of bad relationships" that either end with the guy cheating or deciding he doesn't want to date her anymore. News flash, Nanny: except for the cheating part, most relationships end when people decide to stop dating. But the Nanny wants explanations, as she heard the Wombat's statement "She would make a good wife, but not for me," as "She wouldn't make a good wife." And this is why the Bachelor continues.

Next up: The Dentist. She looks awful. awful. awful. And is wearing satin formal shorts with visible zipper detail. Even if she has a nice interview, we cannot get past the World Of No in which she has festooned herself. Gentle readers, this viewer's E! True Hollywood Confession is that we do not have the best fashion sense. But do you know why we no longer have purple hair? Because our sister SHa told us that we were older than shit, and that people past a certain age don't do that. And we listened. And that is what needs to happen with the Dentist and her formal shorts.

Out comes the Wombat. He had "promised his significant other that he wouldn't be too happy" when he out on stage, so "If you're out there, sorry babe." The Nanny gets her closure, BBM and he conclude that they are each too "volatile" to be with one another, and the Dentist gets a hug (we at the BNU all agree that he still has feelings for her).

And then ABC is held hostage by the 700 Club. Oh babies, while the Bachelor was in South Africa, they decided to help the little black children by buying them a solar heater for their school's water. "It is so meaningful to see the smile on those childrens' faces," says the Wombat. "I mean, we gave them hot water." Followed by image upon image ad nauseum of Chris Harrison and the Wombat playing with the little black children and interviews with the school teachers thankful for hot water.

And this is our thing: it is good to do charitable works. But babies, this viewer is here to tell you that swooping in for a day to give people pantyhose, and then take a lot of pictures of oneself handing out said pantyhose, is not the best model of assistance to the third world. ABe's head has exploded all over the television.

Finally, we are at an end. The Wombat is "happier than he's ever been." The woman that he has picked has "changed his life," and "buddy," he "falls in love with her more every day."

Will it be Dolly Pemily or Chantally Lace? Stay tuned for next week, when All Is Revealed.

-KLo