The Bitch is Back

Let the record reflect that this viewer will be coming out of retirement to blog the Return of Dolly Pemily. We at the BNU are Officially Back.

Wombat Part Finale: The End

Babies, after 10 years, we would like to announce that this is the End of the Road, for both the Wombat and This Viewer. This blog started as an email to a few friends, and grew to 143 blog posts, 200-250 steady readers, and many mini-bottles of the Sutter Wine. We have enjoyed it so much, but think that it is time to move our pen in another direction, and to get more sleep on Monday nights. Thank you so very much for reading. Drop a comment below this post, if you would like to tell me where you're from.

Without further ado, but with some sadness, we begin The Wombat: Part Finale. As the Wombat recaps the women and the difficult choice he is about to make, we are interrupted by “HEY-OH!!” Oh “African Choir singing in African Language,” we and Closed Captioning have missed you. The Wombat, gazing over his balcony at the part of Cape Town, announces that he is “looking out at what seems to be the whole world.” Ah, this must be Sarah Palin’s Cape Town.

After flashbacks of his insipid conversations with the women (“Let’s just say that he and Dolly Pemily aren’t going to win at charades,” says KMu), the Wombat is ready, babies, to introduce Chantally Lace and Dolly Pemily to his family. It is a “truly necessary step.” How fortunate for him, as his family suddenly is there, hiking through the brush towards him. And then there is crying, and scrawny sisters in law named “Dillon” and “Prima” (she was somebody’s cousin), and a mother in too much makeup. And the Wombat’s twin brother. Says ABe, “Wow, Chad is way hotter than the Wombat.”

After some tears evoked by family togetherness, the doorbell rings. “Hang tight, I need some time with my woman,” says the Wombat. WTF. Oh, it is just Chantally Lace, with the most burned chest we have ever seen. As she chatters on and on about “what really made me knew that I loved Brad . . .” was running through the rain with a wine glass (because that was so much like real life) we once again feel the death of grammar in America. Then Chad the Hot Brother is talking again, and we don’t hear anything except waves of hotness. “He really is 10,000 times hotter than his brother,” marvels ABe.

So blah blah, there is a lovefest between Chantally Lace and the Mom:
“You’re precious!”
“So are you!”
“You’re fabulous!”
“So are you!”
And off goes Chantally Lace into the sunset after a little smooch. Boy howdy, does this viewer think Chantally Lace kisses like crap, but the Wombat is undeterred: “If everything works out, I will marry her.”

The next day, it’s Dolly Pemily’s turn for the big family visit. She shows up with flowers all wrapped up, and for a moment we think it is a baby in the swaddling clothes. Oops. Before they go inside, the Wombat feels that he needs to coach Dolly Pemily: “You aren’t shy, you are just private.” We fight down our annoyance.

This time, brother Wes (not the hot one) ends up stepping in it when he asks Dolly Pemily how Ricki’s father would feel about her moving to Austin. The Wombat freaks out: “This ah . . ok. . . um not a good time . . but . . ah . . . maybe later.” Dolly Pemily shows more grace as she tells her story about her fiancee’s death, though she still can’t say “he was killed.” But it is enough. Prima has folded herself around one pointy clavicle, crying heavily.

The Wombat’s brothers quiz him about whether he is ready to be a dad, he insists he is ready, and the Wombat’s mother, Pamela, declares that she feels like she’s meeting his future wife. Babies, the most meaningful part of the whole day was when the Dolly Pemily told Pamela that the Wombat is her “angel.” Pamela gets choked up again telling it. The sisters-in-law also approve, because “as a mom, she would fit into our world.” WTF. But it is Chad the Hot Brother who saves the day from insipidity again, observing that there is a “huge difference between a wallflower and someone with poise. And Dolly Pemily is just extremely poised.” We heart Chad the Hot Brother.

We can all see where this is going.

But first, we must watch a final date with Chantally Lace, on a party boat in Cape Town. This viewer once took a party boat sightseeing trip in Mexico. Alcohol, waves, thirty people, and two toilets don’t mix, gentle readers.

But Chantally Lace isn’t thinking about the perils of party boating, as she is simply thrilled to have forgotten her pants one last time for the Bachelor. We conclude this is a wise move, as the Wombat announces that they are going to swim with the sharks in a little cage off the side of the boat. As we would completely pee our wetsuit, Chantally’s pantslessness suddenly makes sense. Except when she comes out of the dressing room, she seems to have forgotten her top. We cannot get past this, and apparently neither can her wetsuit zipper, which just stays open for the next 20 minutes despite the absence of top.

Since they survived the shark situation, Chantally Lace and the Wombat move on to a short visit at her place that night. Oh look, she has given him a message in a bottle! It is a map of the world, tracing all of their significant relationship steps, such as where she slapped him for the first time . . . . and the last time . . . . She has also included a personal note, on register tape. He unrolls it and reads, “blah blah fell in love. Blah blah, I choose you, please choose me.” It is actually a nice note, but we must deduct points from Chantally Lace for writing something that would inevitably be read in its entirety to the television viewing audience.

Off we go on final date #2 with Dolly Pemily, the next day. And we suddenly retract all that we said about Chantally Lace’s pantslessness, for DP is wearing a button down shirt cut up to where her future saddlebags will be, and boots. And it is windy. We are suddenly terrified, as Dolly Pemily attempts to hold down the fort in both front and back while walking towards a helicopter, up a mountain, and sitting in the wind on said mountain.

While they sit down and scream at each other over the wind about what it means to have children and be a father, Dolly Pemily has one hand scraping her hair out of her face and one hand holding down her “dress.” “I wish I had a hat for her,” says ABe. “A hat and pants.”

That night, the Wombat heads over to Dolly Pemily’s place to have what he believes is the “most important conversation” with her. He confesses that, “Ever since the Cape. The Windy Windy Cape,” he has been thinking about how ready he is to be a father, and he asks Dolly Pemily to open her life to him so that he can do that. And it all goes downhill. Dolly Pemily pushes him on whether he knows how hard and “not always fun” it will be. And the Wombat, viewing this as questioning his sincerity and trying to sabotage the relationship, gets mad. In a nutshell, he feels “defeated.”

Babies, we are in the badlands of the Wombat’s limited emotional range/understanding. And it does not look good for Dolly Pemily.

The very next day, however, is the Final Rose Ceremony. Suddenly, we are in the part of the book where each chapter is written by a different person, as we ping-pong between the Wombat, Dolly Pemily, and Chantally Lace’s views of the world while they get ready to find out who the Wombat has chosen. We hate Chantally Lace’s dress, for which she killed and denuded a small black bird. But, we love Dolly Pemily’s dress, even though we realize with a shock (as she steps out of the limo and into direct sunlight) that it is completely see-through.

Let’s just get it out of the way: He picks Dolly Pemily. Now this viewer owes DLei a dollar. And while the proposal is sweet and tender, we are actually more mesmerized by the engagement happening on the Fancy Feast commercial during the break. Over ABe’s wails of never getting those minutes back, KMu revokes our remote control privileges.

But here is the thing: we are suddenly whisked into the After the Final Rose episode, which is historically the following week. And we don’t know what to say, because the Wombat is there proclaiming his love for Dolly Pemily, while simultaneously stating that they broke up for awhile, and that he doesn’t know they are still engaged and he is “hoping she will tell me.” They have, apparently, not seen each other for a month. But out she comes to say that she loves him. She informs him that they are still engaged, but says that he has a temper, they have volatile fights, and they have some things to work through.

(this is all after Chantally Lace comes out, cries awhile about the difficult loss of the Wombat, and announces that despite this difficulty, she has moved on with someone new).

We feel bad for Dolly Pemily, as we know that she is now with someone that is going to be very hard to shake. We know where this is going for her, and feel sad.

Thank god that we have Bachelor Nation’s “successful couples,” to guide us through this difficult time: Trista & Ryan, Big Daddy and Molly who will Not Age Well, and Ali and Roberto. We still love Ryan, even though he wrote that poem and drew a white tiger for Trista (whatever works for her). And Molly still will not age well.

And so it ends, in a cliffhanger for the Wombat, and the end of the book for this viewer. Thank you, my own Bachelor Nation, for the ride.


-Kelly Hartzler (KLo)

Wombat Part The Women Tell All: Recycled Bachelor

Babies, our ears are still bleeding from two hours. TWO. HOURS. of screetchiting at the level of a feral raccoon/the Jonas Brothers. We don't like The Women Tell All episode for oh so many reasons, and all were brought forcibly to mind last night. We secretly wish that ABC would stop with this episode of filler before the Big Reveal.

As Chris Harrison interviews Wombat, on tape, about how he liked being the "Recycled Bachelor," we look bleakly into the viewing audience, and this is what we find: Suzanne Somers circa that horrible shag haircut. So, when this viewer was a child, we would regularly go to summer stock theater in the round (we realize this explains a lot). Across from this viewer's season seats were the seats of a man and the piece of leather with a platinum top that he married. As the summer would progress, we would watch a perfect diamond of black hair emerge from the scalp of the Leather Lady, suddenly to disappear and be replaced with platinum blonde approximately every 4 weeks. But one year, Leather Lady and her husband stopped coming. We had thought they died, but no, they had just relocated to the Viewing Audience of the Women Tell All. We are blinded by the platinum glory.

But now we must pay attention again to the Wombat, who is recapping the women for what will be the 300th time. Blah blah Chantally Lace slapping him at the beginning of the show (ABe reacts in outrage that her skirt is short in front and long in back. We hate a mullet dress.). Blah blah the Dentist was fabulous. Blah blah Fangs saying goodbye in her prayer-shawl-and-nothing-else dress. Blah blah BBM has "a lot of game" and he was "blindsided by her beauty."

So then we must sit through a promo for "The Bachelor Pad 2." Babies, we will NOT be watching this show, as we are still so horrified by the promotion of it that we forget to really pay attention to what is happening on the TV. Apparently, there is now a "Bachelor Nation" that is "500 strong and counting." Yes, babies. They may be a displaced people, but they walk their trail of tears from New York to L.A. , where ABC has created reservations to protect their cherished community, in which alcoholism runs rampant.

Our eyes are then accosted by our former Beloved, Richard the Science Teacher (R.I.P.), whom we forgive for going to parties thrown by ABC where former contestants get drunk and hook up. We do not, however, forgive Kasey "Guard and Protect Her Heart" from season Ali for hooking up with La Ca, still in a tiara. And then there's Le Sausage, being all giddy about having been cast on the Bachelor Pad 2, Craigslist sticking his tongue down somebody's throat, and Gia complaining about Le Sausage sleeping with Wes. Well Gia, they say, they say that love, it don't come eeeeeeaaaaaaaassssyyyy.

And now we are on to the show. There is a pack of women on stage, and this is the only thing worth mentioning: The Dentist looks awful. Fake Tan. New Brunette hair. Orangy-red lipstick. It's like someone dressed up a piece of fruit leather. We are sad for her, as she looks about 40 years older than she really is.

Really, this episode is too painful to recap, so we are going to shirk our duties and say that Broke Back Michelle was "under attack." She has now remembered that she has a child, and beats that drum relentlessly: "I missed my child. I went on the show for my child." yadda yadda. The women aren't buying it. Jackie the Artist calls her a "spider" for being "creepy and someone people are scared of," and Stacey the BARTENDER says she is a bad role model for her child. vOther women come to BBM's defense. This is all done at such an irritating pitch that we almost cannot handle it. Oh, and as a cherry on top, we must also relive the whole "Melissa v. Raichel" fight that bored us so much the first time that we refused to write about it.

Needless to say, this culminates in Chris Harrison jumping down off the couch to kneel beside BBM in comfort. Or, as KMu says, "Rescue Broke Back, The Bodyguard Style."
"And IIIIeeeeiiiiieeeeeIIIII, will always love youuuuUUUUUUuuuuu," sings ABe.
As Broke Back cries and Chris Harrison comforts, the women call off the attack. BBM is not such a bad person. Yes, she's a good mom. And oh, life would not have been the same without her every Monday night.

"What happens Monday nights?" asks ABe, completely serious.

Oh ABe, we love you.

So then The Nanny takes the "Hot Seat," and we don't understand her dress. It is shiny and gold, and "looks like it caught on the door on the way in," (sayeth KMu). She, like the rest of the "Bachelor Nation" has forgotten her pants. The Nanny starts to cry as she describes how she's been in a "lot of bad relationships" that either end with the guy cheating or deciding he doesn't want to date her anymore. News flash, Nanny: except for the cheating part, most relationships end when people decide to stop dating. But the Nanny wants explanations, as she heard the Wombat's statement "She would make a good wife, but not for me," as "She wouldn't make a good wife." And this is why the Bachelor continues.

Next up: The Dentist. She looks awful. awful. awful. And is wearing satin formal shorts with visible zipper detail. Even if she has a nice interview, we cannot get past the World Of No in which she has festooned herself. Gentle readers, this viewer's E! True Hollywood Confession is that we do not have the best fashion sense. But do you know why we no longer have purple hair? Because our sister SHa told us that we were older than shit, and that people past a certain age don't do that. And we listened. And that is what needs to happen with the Dentist and her formal shorts.

Out comes the Wombat. He had "promised his significant other that he wouldn't be too happy" when he out on stage, so "If you're out there, sorry babe." The Nanny gets her closure, BBM and he conclude that they are each too "volatile" to be with one another, and the Dentist gets a hug (we at the BNU all agree that he still has feelings for her).

And then ABC is held hostage by the 700 Club. Oh babies, while the Bachelor was in South Africa, they decided to help the little black children by buying them a solar heater for their school's water. "It is so meaningful to see the smile on those childrens' faces," says the Wombat. "I mean, we gave them hot water." Followed by image upon image ad nauseum of Chris Harrison and the Wombat playing with the little black children and interviews with the school teachers thankful for hot water.

And this is our thing: it is good to do charitable works. But babies, this viewer is here to tell you that swooping in for a day to give people pantyhose, and then take a lot of pictures of oneself handing out said pantyhose, is not the best model of assistance to the third world. ABe's head has exploded all over the television.

Finally, we are at an end. The Wombat is "happier than he's ever been." The woman that he has picked has "changed his life," and "buddy," he "falls in love with her more every day."

Will it be Dolly Pemily or Chantally Lace? Stay tuned for next week, when All Is Revealed.

-KLo

Wombat Part 9: Like the Lion King, Only Better

Babies, there are elephants. Zebras. Lions. That's right, because we are in SOUTH AFRICA!! KMu queries, "I wonder how how long we can spend in an episode shot in South Africa without seeing a black person, because we know how long we can go with episodes shot in America." This viewer thinks she is right, except that ABe has put us in a sugar coma with pumpkin scones and wine, so we are having difficulty. forming. sentences. This should be *just right* for watching the Wombat.


Naturally, Wombat Part 9 must begin with a recap of the ladies, but we are mainly interested in the fact that, while this is happening, the Wombat is also getting on a plane to fly coach to South Africa. And there is a black person! A flight attendant. We draw one line under our People of Color Counter ("POC.C.").


Anyway, kissing Chantally Lace is as "close to perfect" as things can come. FEH. We are over the Chantally Lace. Meanwhile, there is the Dentist. An "accomplished, professional woman," marvels the Wombat. . . "who is still in school," says ABe. We love that we can be a "doctor" on the Bachelor if we have two years of college premed. And last but not least, there is Dolly Pemily, who makes him be a better person. Or as the Wombat tells us: "I, myself, am a better self." Yes, babies, the Bachelor makes us all better versions of our self.


So ABC pulls a little plane on a string, across a map of the world towards Africa. As we hear a screetch of brakes, we are accosted by "HEY-OH!!!!" Ah, the Music Of Africa. And we get the Wombat's book report on the Land He Is Visiting:
"It is very vast land.
Filled with exotic animals.
It is really really cool.
But also a little dangerous."
This is not unlike a certain viewer's First Poem Ever About International Travel, written in the first grade: "Suck your toe, all the way to Mexico." We wonder if the Wombat did just that.


Suddenly, we are at the Lion Sands Lodge, where Chantally Lace is wearing the shortest shorts ever. Listen, CL, you are in the bush. Which does not mean that you show yours. And also, button your top. We have No Words anymore, as the Wombat and Chantally Lace go on a truck safari with two, TWO more black people (oooo, now there are three marks under my POC.C.). Except one has a giant gun, so we have to subtract have a point for Stereotypical Portrayal of a Black Person in a Television Series or Film. During said safari, this is what we hear:
"Wow, this is insane."
"Look how big he is."
"Oh, wow."

We refill our wine and try not to be bored. But then this happens: "Choir Singing in an African Language." WE LOVE CLOSED CAPTIONING. Between the "owl hoots," "insect buzzing" and television interpretation of the Wombat's inarticulate mumblings, Closed Captioning is the Fun New Thing at BNU headquarters.


And then this viewer goes on Overload, because we have just seen two giraffes, which the Wombat has described as "magestic creatures." Babies, we went to the zoo once, to see the giraffes. And as we stood there hand-in-hand with our boyfriend, we also watched the giraffes link legs as if they were People Like Us. There was cooing and sweetness from the mothers and children surrounding us. We took a picture. And then, one giraffe started to pee. And the other giraffe unlinked its hoof from the peeing giraffe, turned around, and DRANK THE PEE. And that, my babies, is why giraffes are not "magestic."


But the Wombat and Chantally Lace are not done yet. Oh no, the Wombat is concluding that a relationship needs to "go through a test, whether fear or danger." So they decide to eat lunch beside two hippos. Sayeth Chantally Lace, "It's really a metaphor for what is going on in our relationship." As long as no one drinks anything, this viewer is cool. But before long, the Wombat is confessing that he is missing her family (which we all know is code for Pining After Her Father), followed by mutual confessions of how this will all be Even More Serious in another week, when he could be proposing to someone.


Dinner is more of the same, except we get the Fantasy Suite card!! "It's like Vegas. What happens in the Fantasy Suite stays in the Fantasy Suite" chatters Chantally Lace. Except not, because the fantasy suite is an open air bedroom with no walls, 20 feet up a tree. We love us some Swiss Family Robinson, but we would secretly worry about malaria (and also, being eaten by a lion) in these circumstances. But CL doesn't want this date to end. We no longer care.


Finally, it is date #2 with Dolly Pemily. Again, what is up with the short shorts and cowboy boots? While unphased by the impropriety of forgetting one's pants in South Africa, Dolly Pemily is immediately anxious that the Wombat leaves her "alone in the wilds" at the beginning of their date. As she stands waiting, we see an elephant rumble towards her. That's right! An ELEPHANT safari!! We had an Elephant Interaction in India, which did not go badly, and so our confidence is high. Not so, Dolly Pemily:
"Oh my lord.
Oh my goodness gracious."
"Oh heavens."
All we can think of is "oh, the chafing," as two more POC scurry around the elephant to lift Dolly Pemily on top for the safari. But Dolly is chafe-free as she marvels that "this is like the Lion King, but better." Yes, and McDonalds is like a farm.


Over lunch, the Wombat confesses that he has "missed your daughter." Oh HELL no. The Wombat has just violated this Viewer's Rule for Harlequinn Romances: No weird names for the main characters ("Stonebrook," "Delicia") and no bringing of children into the story. That's right, this viewer will read about Magic Skirts that Make One Find True Love, but Will Not Read "The Millionare's Secret Baby" or "A Functioning Man to Raise Her Child" And also, don't shoplift the pootie, Wombat.


But Dolly Pemily is charmed, which carries over into dinner, where she has chosen to wear a skintight black sequin "lillypad" (in the words of KMu). Oh! The wombat is "all nervous around" her! Oh! Dolly Pemily "dunno" why! Yet despite all of this, we secretly like Dolly Pemily even more when the Fantasy Suite card comes, and she delicately says:
"I am a mom and would like to set a good example. However, I would also like to take the time with you, to continue on AT THE SAME PACE and to TALK."


Yay, Dolly Pemily! She is awarded the Wombat leading her to the Most Uncomfortable Seat in the Fantasy Suite: a wicker love seat. Never one to be ungraceful, Dolly Pemily awkwardly perches on the edge of the seat, and then confesses that she is falling in love with him.
There is stunned silence.
Followed by, "I. didn't. Expect that. Wow."
More stunned silence.
"I. didn't. expect that. at. all."
MORE stunned silence.
"But. I am. also. falling in. love. with you. Ah. would. not. let you. say that. without out. saying. something. in. return."


"It's like his brain functions by satellite," observes KMu. "What DP says has to transmit up . . . . and then back down to his brain . . . where there is an old, tired hamster on a wheel, trying to keep the whole thing going."


If this is true, then we seriously fear for the heart health of that hamster, as the Wombat heads into date #3 with the Dentist. Again with the short shorts and lack of malaria shots. Off they go on a walk, as the Dentist says she feels like she is "walking back to the carnival" of their first date (undoubtedly because she is walking down a hill on some grass). Suddenly, the Dentist goes all skreetchity when she sees her Biggest Fear In Life: A helicopter!! That's right, the Wombat and she are going to Face Her Fear Together as they take a Helicopter Safari.


After the Wombat convinces the Dentist to take it down an octave, they are off: "I had. no idea how. beautiful. South Africa is. I really didn't. We saw some. very wild, exotic. animals," says he. Seriously?


But this date is not going well. As the helicopter lands in Middle Earth, the Dentist annoints herself with the kiss of death: "Now that I am getting older, I would consider moving back to Maine." Oh sweet Mary and Joseph, child, you're supposed to insert yourself into HIS life after this thing is over. The Wombat doesn't what the Dentist says at all. He peppers her with questions about whether she can "allow herself to live while she achieves" and patronizes her with anecdotes of how his own 20s passed him by because he was working all the time.

Dear Wombat,
This girl just took two months off from her life to go on a t.v. show with the likes of you. We think she knows how to make her own fun.
Love,
KLo.

But it goes even more downhill from there, as the Wombat seriously cannot keep up with the Dentist mentally. He freaks out that she has not mentioned Austin as a place for them to live together. SHe says she's never visited Austin. The Wombat looks alarmed. The Dentist says that if they were going to make a life together, then Austin would be fine, but she would have never thought of it otherwise. The Wombat can't process this and becomes agitated.


This viewer once watched a suitor self-destruct over e-mail. It was fascinating. "I don't think I'm ready to date. . . but maybe I am. . . But I like you . . . Though you are too good for me. . . I can never see you again . . . do you want to go out?" Babies, that is the Wombat's brain at this moment, the Hamster having given up the ghost. We feel almost bad for him, but mostly for the Dentist, who clearly needs someone with the horses to keep up. They take the fantasy suite card to talk more, but it Is Over.


And now the rose ceremony is upon us. We all know what is happening, which makes us wonder why the Dentist chose to wear a rucheted poop-colored dress. Chantally Lace is in the red, and Dolly Pemily has some sort of spandex dress with a blue bustier painted on top of a black t-shirt followed by a grey skirt. Thank God we don't have to look at her too much today.


Immediately, the Wombat takes the Dentist aside. She is heartbroken as he let's her go before handing out any roses. Except, after he finally utters the words, she pops up cheerfully and says she's "not going to beg you to change your mind." YAY Dentist!!! So then the Wombat self-destructs again because he secretly was hoping that she would convince him that he made the right decision. He begs her to tell him "what's wrong" (are you freaking kidding us?) and insists on a hug. We give mad props to the Dentist for being polite.


As the Dentist drives off into the sunset and the Wombat returns to the rose ceremony, Chantally Lace whispers excitedly to Dolly Pemily that she doesn't see the Dentist. Dolly Pemily is too well-bred to respond. But the Wombat, having received no pat on the head from the Dentist, needs to now be reassured by the remaining women that he's still "got it." So he gives roses to Chantally Lace and Dolly Pemily anyway, and announces that he's looking forward to taking them to "One Of The Most Exciting Cities in the World," Cape Town.

But we must wait to find out how that goes, for next week is the Women Tell All.


KLo

Wombat Part 8: Tales from the Crypt

Well, babies. It has happened. This viewer is getting married.
"At least someone got engaged this season of the bachelor," sayeth PMu. Word.

"This. has. been. an. incred.ible. experience. Waking. up. in. New. York. I was. so. excited," reports the Wombat. So the first time we woke up in New York, it was to the noise of a gay pride parade racketing down the street outside our residence like a mardi gras queen in assless chaps. Which is, in fact, far more exciting than the rain peeing down the window outside the Wombat's. And also, why is he wearing a cap from Newsies? This is an Unconvincing Look for the Wombat.

He recaps the women: He could see "real life" with Chantally Lace. The Dentist has energy like a Yorkie. Shawntel of the Dead is "beautiful, fun." And Dolly Pemily . . . .
ABe: "He wants to pick her, but they wouldn't survive as a couple."
KMu: "Yeah, because they're both too stupid."
We are vaguely aware of the Wombat saying something about feelings getting deeper, but still cannot get past his hat. "Hello, gov'ner," says ABe.

Without further ado, we are accosted by Chantally Lace. She has chewed through her floral noose and run to meet the Wombat in the park during one of the only sunny days in her hometown of Seattle, frayed ends of the rope/scarf dangling. Unfortunately, her pants are so tight that, when she jumps into the Wombat's arms, Chantally Lace leaves her legs behind. We know girlfriend is tiny, but that has still got to feel like a ton of bricks for the Wombat.

Chantally Lace prattles on and on and ON in the Most Pointless Conversation Ever: So happy to see you. Just natural. Be yourself. This is like hanging out in real life. Parents important. Go meet them. But first, let's go home to my house so we can . . . meet my dog Boca.
[GASP].
Gentle readers, "Boca" is a 6 inch tall pomeranian in a HOODIE. Don't be fooled by the rocks that she's got, babies, she's just "Boca from the Block." Having been warned that Boca "can bite," the Wombat is also thrilled to discover that "Boca is a good judge of character," -- apparently based on the fact that Boca does not bite HIM. We secretly feel like Chantally Lace's other pets: two cats looking Salty in the corner. But Chantally Lace thinks hanging out with the Wombat and Boca is "just like the Real World." Yes, This is the story about what happens when a Cowboy from Texas and an Emo from Seattle Stop Being Polite, and Get Real.

So just because this is completely like the real life, we go to meet Chantally Lace's parents in the most Ridiculously Overdone Mansion Ever. Babies, it has it's own brick circular entry/driveway, between two sets of gates. Are we back at the Bachelorette house? Because this place is looking familiar. And also, home to Mom, Billy Joel (or Jo, but Joel is more fun), Michael, and brother Conner. "What up, bro," says the Wombat.

Illustrating the age-old adage that Money Does Not Equal Taste, our eyes do not know where to look: at Billy Joel's fake boobs and fake lips, at the giant candelabra stuck between a bunch of other Giant Things People Buy from Pottery Barn to Decorate Giant tables, or at the giant basket of chicken that Dad Michael just put down on the Giant table, to accompany the decanted wine. Our eyes go back to the mother. Is this chick for real? As she catwalks out of the living room, we conclude that Billy Joel will be on the next Hosewives of Seattle, and that the Wombat will be playing footsie with both ladies of the house during dinner.

Dad and Chantally lace have a heart to heart. Oh, it's just like when he met mom and knew This Was It (before the collagen)! Dad and the Wombat have a heart to heart. Babies, they both have bricklayers in their families. And also, Dad has a 10 foot high statute of a man carving himself out of rock in the middle of his house because 1) why not, and 2) "guys like you and me, we are Self Made Men." Dad and Wombat get progressively drunk as they carry their conversation to what this viewer *might* have secretly thought was the kitchen, but is, in fact, the wine cellar. Oops. That is apparently only in this viewer's kitchen.

As the men hug it out in a budding Bromance, Chantally Lace sits awkwardly across from Billy Joel in the sitting room. Billy Joel tries to move her lips to say that she must Trust Love. But Chantally Lace is scared, babies. She Never Thought She Would Feel this Way Again after her 10-year romance with her high school sweetheart ended in divorce. "Come here so that I can awkwardly pet your hair," says a potted plant next to Billy Joel. We applaud Billy Joel for practicing ventriloquey, in light of her situation.

This date ends as it should:
Chantally Lace: "I will miss you."
Wombat: "Ok, sounds good."

Off we go to Madawaksa, Maine, a/k/a the most northeastern town in the United States, to meet the Dentist. KMu hands us a brownie. "It's a speedball," says KMu. You know, so that we are on the same sauce as the Dentist.

So the Dentist is wearing a white t-shirt tucked into spandex leggings, and boots. We do not know how we feel about this, but we no longer care because suddenly, the Dentist is feeding the Wombat Poutine!!! We love us some french fries with gravy and cheese. Our mind flashes back to eating this elixir at Superbowl 2008 and the Superbowl Blow Out that followed. It was so worth it, babies. We decide that, in the world of Weird Shit French Speaking People Put on French Fries, we will take Poutine any day over its Belgian response: Mayonaisse. Except what did we just hear the Wombat say? "This is better than sushi." You are DEAD TO ME, Wombat.

This date is dizzying game of Hungry Hungry Hippos. The Wombat and Dentist race around snapping up carrots, lobster, and apples, only to vomit them all back up to her family: Mom Laurie, Dad Mike, Sister Christie, and Brother somebody-or-other, who then musical-chair it around the living room at a frantic pace. Christie explains that, living so far north, the girls were into innocent entertainment as children . . . ice skating, ice fishing, and the occassional tattoo parlor (judging from the full-body tats that Christie is sporting just under her t-shirt). We heart Christie.

In 1:1 time with Dad, he informs the Wombat that she is going to "finish school" and "become a dentist." Stop the presses. Ashley is NOT A DENTIST??? Color us shocked that ABC would embellish this fact. The Wombat, in turn, worries that he will "hold Ashley back in life." You know, Wombat, that is Really Surprising as she can Think Circles Around You. But if the Dentist wants to saddle herself to a twit, so be it.

This date ends with Mom Laurie suggesting that the Wombat spend the night because they "have four bedrooms." And also, the parents could just Bundle the Wombat and the Dentist, for warmth and propriety just like the old Mennonites of yore. That's right, babies: stick a board between them and rope them up tight. Bundling: What REALLY happens in the Fantasy Suite.

And now we come to the Piece de Resistance: The Wombat wanders into Chico, California to meet Shawntel of the Dead for their Hometown Date. And what better place to start, than at the funeral home? Da da DA, dadadada Da DUM!!!! As the Toccata & Fugue in G Minor starts to play, Shawntel of the Dead rises up from the stairwell in a mini-skirt and cowboy boots with this:
"Death has been a part of my life since I was a little girl."
Oh look, it's Debbie Does a Funeral Home, Chico-Style.

"This is a first for "Brad and I's relationship," says Shawntel. If this viewer were on the embalming table, we would rise up and smite this woman for Killing Grammar. But the Wombat is unphased (though not for long):
"From the little I've seen, I love it here!," says he.
"Thanks, it gets even prettier!," says Shawntel of the Dead.
Babies, he meant the town.
Okay, so in the interest of full disclosure (and because ABe and KMu are going to Out Us otherwise), this viewer has secretly and seriously thought about being a mortician. We don't mind dead people. Or grief. And we can do hair. And also, death is not unrelated to the practice of law. But Shawntel prances about the crypts ("do you want to be cremated?"), the cremation room, and the prep room with scissors of every color and variety, and describes how she meets with families to prepare their wishes. And so we can understand why the Wombat is looking progressively wild-eyed, ESPECIALLY when she puts him on the prep table. Uh oh.

We go home to meet Mom Colleen, Dad Rick, and Sisters Destiny and Vanessa. Somehow, these two normal people that are Shawntel's parents have managed to create three hot daughters. Though, KMu observes that naming one's child "Destiny" has a whole new meaning when one runs a funeral home.

So this is our thing (all of us): We really like this family. Dad Rick throws down on Shawntel of the Dead: "You were in the line of succession to take over the family business, and you can't do that if you move away."
Shawntel: "But Daddy, I am in love. And when a person is In Love, they do Crazy Things." (like throw away one's career to marry an emotionally challenged bar owner from Texas).

We heave a deep, heartfelt sigh for Shawntel's parents to have raised such pretty daughters, one of whom has apparently lost her mind. "That's okay," we whisper. "She will come back. This viewer once dated a man who kept a ferret in his bathroom, and it all worked out in the end." Fortunately for Shawntel's parents, and though we like Shawntel more than before, we know she is Toast. The Wombat stands about three feet away from her as they say goodbye.

And the last Hometown Date with Dolly Pemily is upon us. And what better place to start out than a park, where ABC can shamelessly tug at our heartstrings with a shot of Ricky running into Dolly Pemily's arms, a la Big Daddy and Ty. As the Wombat walks across a park bridge carrying something pink, KMu calls it: "He got Ricky a kite."
And color us shocked, it IS a butterfly kite.
So this is just another supremely awkward date, with Ricky hiding behind Dolly Pemily the entire time, the Wombat trying to connect over a picnic lunch ("what. do. you. like. to do. for fun") and Dolly Pemily trying to juggle a mute daughter and a cardboard date . . . until the Wombat decides to break the ice by asking Ricky about her makeup table.

You know, when this viewer was little, all we wanted was one of those disembodied heads with a giant makeup kit and curlers, so that we could do hair and makeup to our heart's content. And do you know what we got? We got a bike. But our sister, SHa, SHE got a Dolly Parton wig for her fourth birthday. And that's why she likes Britney Spears. True Story.

At any rate, things unthaw over board games and tooth brushing, except the whole kid thing has traumatized the Wombat. He claims he is ready for children, gentle readers, but he Just. Can't. Kiss. Dolly Pemily with her child sleeping upstairs. To Dolly Pemily's credit, she concludes: "Brad Wombat is not walking out the door without kissing me. That's for damn sure." Ok, we like D.P. And, in the only moment of minor aggression we have witnessed from the Dolly, she actually liplocks the Wombat as he leaves. Yay, Dolly Pemily! But you deserve so much better!

So the rose ceremony, like it always is, is upon us. And even though it is President's Day, was it really necessary for the ladies to wear Red (Chantally Lace), White (the Dentist), and Blue (Dolly Pemily)? We now KNOW that Shawntel of the Dead is going home, because she is black and babies, black ain't a color of ABC's United States.

Sure enough, after a pointless deliberation with Chris Harrison, the Wombat picks:
1. The Dentist.
2. Dolly Pemily.
3. Chantally Lace.
Shawntel of the Dead is very graceful as the Wombat informs her that she got the axe because, besides creeping him out, he "didn't feel the way a man ought to feel," when she told him that she loved him. We seriously hope that Shawntel of the Dead finds a guy who can handle her lifestyle.

Stay tuned for next week, when the ladies go to South Africa and must decide whether to Stay in the Fantasy Suite. This viewer personally thinks it's a good idea, as the only off-air time to get to know each other.
Sayeth KMu: "And see how big Wombat's penis is."
Sayeth PMu: "Of course, if Brett Favre is the next bachelor, there's no need to use the Fantasy Suite to learn that."

-KLo

Wombat Part 7: Fat Lard

Hello my Valentines!!! In honor of Valentine's Day and ABe's birthday, the Mus began Wombat Part 7 by cracking out the Special Sauce. As G Love says (sort of): "My babies' got sauce, your baby ain't sweet like mine." So sing it, babies, and let's begin.

We have Confirmed What We Secretly Suspected this season, which is that Chantally Lace is All Worlds of Fake on top. How do we know this? Because Chantally Lace has invented her own tube top that is magically staying in place on the speed boat to Anguilla. And if They Were Real, then she would have given Broke Back Michelle another black eye, Hammer-Style, with all the tossing about on the waves. Except that we almost don't care because our brain is now burned by Broke Back, who has apparently just left the ZZ Top concert with a special souvenier: a hot pink shredded t-shirt with wings on the front. We hate this top.

Yes yes so here we are in Anguilla for the last episode before the Wombat meets families, and Chris Harrison wants us all to know that THIS time around, there shall be three individual dates with no roses (oooo) and one group date with a single rose. Skipper Barbie is concerned. As the only girl left who has not ever gotten a 1:1 date, she has some catching up to do. Oh Skipper, we all know you are going home for no other reason than you are not brunette, so do not worry.

And the first date card comes: "Three things I would take to a deserted island: a picnic lunch, champagne, and Dolly Pemily." Ok, so this viewer would bring a knife, but whatever. Dolly Pemily, who the Wombat has just scooped out of the pool in her little coverup, is charmed when a helicopter shows up: "You do too much on our dates!!!" she says. Yes, Dolly, we are all confident that the Wombat had all of these tricks up his very own sleeve. The Wombat, however, is hoping that ABC's grand gestures will help him "take. it. to a. whole. new. level." with Dolly Pemily. He is in luck.
Wombat (to the camera): "This is a. perfect. scenario. for a guy. to. tell. how. he's. feeling."
Wombat (to DP): "So. this is. a. pretty. view. Em."
Dolly Pemily: "Yes."
Wombat (to DP) : "I. could. stay here. all. day."
Dolly Pemily: "Yes. . . . If the sun and moon align, it will work out between us."

Step aside, Jane Austen, there's a new gal in town.

And the bleeding continues:
Wombat: "Tell. me. what. for. you. is your favorite part. of. today."
Dolly Pemily: "Oh. I liked today. "

She also likes soup, and talking and not talking. But gentle readers, Dolly Pemily is worried, as she has never introduced her daughter Ricky to anyone she has dated. And yet, crisis: How can he propose, not having met her daughter? The Wombat makes a Bold Move, promising to give Dolly Pemily a rose at the end of the week so that she can start making the "phone calls" to line things up for the following week. That's right, the Wombat is a "rule breaker."

He has also fallen "very. hard. tonight." As the Wombat and Dolly Pemily wander into the water to kiss/pee, he says that their "kiss is more than just a kiss." Meh.

Meanwhile, date card #2 has come for . . . Shawntel of the Dead!!! "Let's find love on the streets of Anguilla. And also, scurvy." So we made the last part up, but Gentle Readers, S of the D is just excited to focus on "Brad and I's relationship." We secretly hope that Shawntel is not responsible for writing the death announcements in Chico, TX.

Thank god for black people playing the steel drums, to carry us away on the Sea of Burning Rage. As you know (all of you), this viewer hates a steel drum almost as much as the jazz flute. Shawnel of the Dead and the Wombat offer us a montage of Black People Activities such as jump rope and the playing of dominos, and we brace ourselves for the inevitable Chitlin Cook Off. But instead. . . we are presented with Aunt Jemima.

ABe's head just exploded all over the BNU offices/Mus living room.

That's right, babies, ABC has found a Magical Black Person in the streets of Anguilla to advise Shawntel of the Dead and the Wombat on their relationship journey. Her name is Aunt Bea, and yes, she does in fact wear a red and white turbin to match her apron, to which her bosoms have seceded. As she blesses the couple, the Wombat is moved to give Aunt Bea a paternalistic hug. We hear a choking sound from the direction of ABe.

Shawntel of the Dead and the Wombat beat a hasty retreat to the park, where they eat lunch surrounded by goats. They feel natural around each other, babies. So much that Shawntel proclaims her love (color us shocked). And then. . . *PAFF** we are suddenly in a woodland area, where the Wombat needs to "sit.down. and measure. my feelings." Would that be in metric? We will never find out, because it is dinner, and S of the D is asking if the Wombat respects his mother, and he is excited to talk about his family with her, and there is love being proclaimed and rain and making out and then suddenly "I have. yet. another. surprise. for Shawntel."

My babies, it is Bankie Banx, famous singer in Anguilla and perhaps "the Entire Carribean." And look, he has brought an entourage of ABC extras to stand around awkwardly until he is ready to play, at which point they magically break into smiles an dancing, re-creating the bar scene from Eat. Pray. Love.

As "Bankie" starts his reggae set, we flash back to a reggae concert in our college days. It was there, my darlings, that this viewer spied her English Literature professor outside her native habitat, blinking doe-like in the lights and swaying awkwardly with a group of similarly lost professorial types. Which made us feel our own interminable bouncing and the oldness in our joints, even at age 19. We carry this memory with us, babies, lest we forget that Reggae Hurts. And also, that we will Not Be Seen In the Same Light if we take our pasty ass to a concert in which we might run into Young People That We Know.

The date ends with Shawntel of the Dead and the Wombat stripping down into their swimwear and their "his and hers" tramp stamps, to embrace in the water. It is at this point that ABE suggests that we stop watching the Bachelor and just blog our own made-up season. Ooooo, intriguing.

So Date Card #3 is upon us: "Let's set sail on a sea of love," and surprise, it is for the Skipper. Broke Back hopes that her "ship will go down." Which is perhaps why Skipper has decided to festoon herself in a neon orange/pink jacket with those hated mesh shoulder panels. We hate this jacket even more than Broke Back's ZZ top, and so we are glad when the Wombat announces that they will be swimming out to . . . .a yacht!!! Which they will take to a Local Spot, where the Wombat can throw Skipper off some rocks.

As the Skipper struggles up a rock in her swimsuit to jump "for the sake of the relationship," we feel bad for her Utterly Buttless ways and the fact that she must spend an entire date in a bikini on national television. "I cannot imagine doing that in a string bikini," says KMu. "Or anything in a string bikini." Mama don't need to wear no basketball hoop past the age of 30.

Skipper flings herself to her death, which we can barely see, as she has turned sideways now and we are old and blind. The Wombat is proud of her for jumping, but he is troubled because he is in the Most Romantic Place Ever, and yet does not feel like "grabbing her and kissing her." Well, we would not want to grab a pile of bones either unless our name was Hansel and we want to fool the Wicked Witch. In the end, and after an incredibly awkward dinner (to which Skipper has not helped her cause by wearing a slip), the Wombat gives her the heave-ho. You see, after the Wombat was "crucified" for "stringing girls along" on Wombat Season 1, he does not want to do that to the Skipper. "Do you think that's how he got that cross on his back?" wonders KMu.

We feel bad for the Skipper, who is actually very nice, as she wanders back to the ladies' villa by herself and has to pack in front of all the other secretly delighted contestants.

Thank god it is the final group date (as we are hungry and also late for work). The Wombat wakes the Dentist, Broke Back, and Chantally Lace at midnight for their Big Surprise: They will be posing in the next Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Magazine, out today! "Thousands of women dream of doing this," proclaims the Wombat. "No," corrects KMU, "thousands of men dream of women dreaming about doing this." Confirming this sentiment, Chantally Lace says, "I feel like a fat lard. I wish I hadn't eaten for the last couple days."

Let us summarize. The Dentist uses conch shells in lieu of a bikini top. Chantally Lace cries and "does not feel sexy." Chantally Lace then takes her top off and is chased around the screen by a little black editing box for the next five minutes. Chantally Lace cries. Broke Back, not wanting to be outdone, declares that she is "not the kind of girl" to also remove her top (no doubt she does not want to display her scars), but that she IS the sort of girl to roll around in the sand licking the Wombat's face. Chantally Lace cries. The entire group then goes to a "pool party" where the women get drunk and Chantally Lace cries, before showing the world the vertical back tat of Chinese text that she wisely placed directly above her crack. Or, as KMu calls it, her "fortune cookie." The Wombat is traumatized, Chantally Lace cries and storms off. The end. Oh, and the Dentist gets the rose on this date (making Chantally Lace cry).

We no longer care who wins this thing. Chantally Lace, you have Defeated Us. ABe suggests that the Wombat send her home for being a lame ass.

Thank god we don't have to wait any longer, because the Rose Ceremony is Upon us. And gentle readers, the Wombat doesn't need a cocktail party to make up his mind, because he is So Ready to Get This Over With. We are too, because Shawntel of the Dead has shown up in a knee-length t-shirt with buttons on the front. And Dolly Pemily is wearing our beach towel. And Chantally Lace is wearing go go fringe. And Broke Back is wearing a mu mu with earrings the size of a plate. AND the dentist is wearing a romper pantsuit. Make it end, Wombat. MAKE IT END.

So he picks to join the Dentist:
1. Dolly Pemily
2. Shawntel of the Dead.
3. Chantally Lace.

OH! Broke Back is going Home!!! We are actually glad when BBM won't let the Wombat hold her hand or talk to her, and then lays down silently in the limo to ride off. Thank you, god, for smal favors.

Stay tuned for next week, when the Wombat announces that he Does Not Deal Well With Death.
KLo.

Wombat Part 6: Make You Feel My Love

Make no bones (hee hee) about, Wombat Part 6 opens with the Worst Conception Imagery Ever. To whit: Itty bitty helicopter flying over the vast lush expanse of Costa Rica *CRASHING WATERFALL* itty helicopter *CRASHING WATERFALL into circular pool* itty helicopter and . . .touchdown. The Wombat hopes that Costa Rica helps him find love.

As we land with Bradley, our eyes are assaulted with imagery from ABC's view of Costa Rica. And we don't remember any of them except The Cow. Though The Cow is only on the screen for a fraction of a second, it is enough to traumatize us forever. Babies, when we were in the Other Rica/o (puerto), we were Chased By A Cow. And while this might be funny in the abstract, when one is between a fence and a cliff with the Cow clippity-clopping closer and closer behind oneself : clip clop clip clop clippity clop clippitycloppityclippitycloppity
CLIPPITYCLOPPITY, I can tell you it is Not Fine. And also, it does Not Work to stare an animal into laying down like The Crocodile Dundee. Just an fyi.

Oh look, there is a volcano! We Love a volcano -- so much so that we forgive the ladies for saying that their villa "overlooks" it, even though said villa is miles away and clearly at the volcano's base. As the ladies move into their new digs, Broke Back Michelle is convinced she can "make" the Wombat fall in love with her here. Too bad that the first date card comes for Chantally Lace:
"Close your eyes, hold on tight, love is in the air tonight." Oooo!!!
Broke Back supplies the rejoinder: "If Brad is interested in Chantal, he isn't interested in me." Yes Broke Back, we are all praying for that.

The Wombat immediately picks Chantally Lace up for their date. . .a "little adventure" in Costa Rica. As they fly off in their helicopter towards the volcano, we suffer a pang of rare jealousy. You know, this viewer would suffer a day with the Wombat to visit a volcano. We even know how we would do it, as we learned this trick in Junior High: bring a Hot Friend along as a decoy, so we are left in peace. We promise you, babies, it works.

At any rate, the Wombat is thrilled. "If. you. are going. to do. what. Chantal. and I am. going. to do., where. not. to do. it. in this. particular. place." Oh Brad, we all know what you and Chantal are about to do, and are pretty sure you have done "it" before. And also, we don't like your shorts. They may be innocuous, but they are Too Long with his red shirt. Why hello, Ernie, where is Bert? But All of This passes over the head of Chantally Lace, who apparently married her high school boyfriend, with whom she was together for 10 years. She is just happy to be Out, period, whether with or without a muppet.
ABC, this is the closest to a Sacrificial Virgin you are going to get, on so many levels.

But *surprise* they are going zip lining down the volcano in the Longest Zipline In The World! Chantally Lace is glad because she is ready to "reconnect" with the Wombat. The Wombat, too, is hoping to "rejuvenate what was lost" and "get back to our old ways." From what, two weeks ago? Contributing to the whole Flashdance aspect of this particular scene, it starts to rain. As the soaking wet couple tandem ziplines together, Chantally Lace says "It's definately a different position, having my legs wrapped tightly around Brad. But we could get used to this." OMG.
And yet, the Wombat is excited for more: "I am going to take Chantal to a new setting where we can be more 'intimate.'" WE DO NOT WANT TO SEE THIS.

And yet, we cannot look away, as suddenly we are at dinner with the couple Down By the River. As the Wombat inquires as to whether they are eating The Local Cuisine (coconut), it starts to rain again. How fortunate that they could run offset and directly into a bedroom, where Chantally Lace could change into the Wombat's button down shirt and forget her pants. The Wombat is excited because this is now Just Like a Normal Date (and that Chantally Lace possibly looks "hotter than ever" without pants). Chantally Lace, for her part, is just happy to see the Wombat in his "cute comfies."

As Chantally Lace sits with one leg in the air (the Terror), she and the Wombat eat cheesecake. She confesses that she is "crazy about" the Wombat, and he confides that she "scared him" in Vegas with the weeping and drama. Oh, but no, babies: that was Not Drama, for it was Real. It came from a Place of Honesty. We do not care what place it came from, as we are deeply worried that we will in fact SEE that place if Chantally Lace does not start sitting like a lady.

She gets the rose.

Back at the house, Date Card #2 has arrived for the group date: "Love Springs Ahead." Jackie the Artist, Broke Back Michelle, Dolly Pemily, the Dentist, Shawntel of the Dead, and Skipper Barbie are all at bat. Alli Twin Towers is thrilled because this means she gets her 1:1 date at last. Broke Back Michelle is murderous because she Hates A Group Date.

And yet here we go to Pure Trek Canyoning, where we are all going to rapel into a waterfall in Inadequate Clothing. Broke Back Michelle is tired of being wet and cold. We are unsympathetic, as she ought to have gotten the memo by now that it RAINS in Costa Rica. Fortunately, the trekking company has supplied them all except Dolly Pemily with jackets (undoubtedly because they do not make a childrens' size). This is All About Adventure, babies, and Facing Fears. Though stressed about the group date atmosphere, the Wombat is excited to "see if these women are adventurous."

Blah blah the women are skreetchity. Shawntel of the Dead goes first, followed awkwardly by Skipper Barbie and Dolly Pemily, and then Jackie, who is terrified of heights. "Jackie might have soiled herself," says Skipper Barbie from directly below. Though the Skipper might want to watch for falling rocks, we also note that this is what the waterfall is for. Meanwhile, Broke Back Michelle is shooting Daggers of Death at the Wombat for rapelling with other women.

Gentle readers, BBM has been BETRAYED. She and the Wombat had a Pact never to rapel again without the other. And the Wombat has Broken That Pact.
Sayeth ABe: "Where was this Pact formed?"
Sayeth PMu: "At Warsaw."
And Broke Back has done what any party to an allegedly broken Pact has done: she starts beating the crap out of the Wombat. Oh but look, the Wombat has NOT broken the Pact (everyone call off your missiles. . . . oops.). No, gentle readers, he is going to rapel WITH Broke Back down the waterfall, after the rest have gone by themselves. Broke Back is somewhat mollified by this interpretation of their Pact, but the Wombat is rattled. Jackie, down below, is cheesed that the Wombat didn't rapel with her, as SHE was the one that was scared.

Suddenly, it is the evening and the women are stripping down into bikinis to the tune of Spanish guitar and tree frog. PMu advises that this is Swimwear, to be followed shortly by Evening Wear. If that is the case, we fear that Skipper Barbie is failing this particular part of the competition, as she is Buttless. So, this viewer once danced with a girl who was Utterly Buttless, in a concave sort of way. As we ran behind her pretending to be Flowers or Snowflakes or Sweets, we would stare where buttage was supposed to be and wonder how she wore pants. If junk were to be in her trunk, she would still be a Smart Car, babies. True story.

But we digress. Basically, this date is not going well. The Wombat pulls Jackie away for 1:1 time, and she wastes it being ungraceful about how he didn't rapel with her. Meanwhile, BBM has gone ape once again: "I'm not trying to be a bitch, but all of these girls need to go home." Yes yes, we are sick of you saying this Broke Back. Thank god for Dolly Pemily, who is becoming *slightly* less tinkly as she admits that she is starting to really like the Wombat . . . but sabotages every relationship. Never fear, however, for the Wombat doesn't "want. to see you sabotage. this. Ah. Won't. LET. you. sabotage.this." Oh, Wombat, we lift our eyes to you.

As Broke Back Michelle and the Wombat settle into the water for their 1:1 time, we hear the screams of Alli Twin Towers back at the house. Apparently, she is scared of bugs -- bugs that make a crunch when squished, precisely. We really cannot criticize Alli, as we will eat a marshmallow, but not if it is too melted, abhor an emulsion, and think whipped topping the plague (yet not ice cream, provided it isn't too melted. see, supra, marshmallow). The devil is in the details, babies. Details which Chantally Lace is not observing, as she chases Alli Twin Towers around the house with a big beetle on a piece of paper, eliciting the screams heard by the Wombat and Broke Back Michelle.

We secretly wonder if ABC didn't blindfold the women, turn them around ten times, and then lead them to their own backyard for this group date.

Anyway, Broke Back, per usual, has used her 1:1 time on the group date to go ApeShit Extreme. She debates whether she has "a connection" with the Wombat: "But do we? DO WE????" And complains that Brad "just wanted to have a sexy date with Chantal in Costa Rica. Do you know how hard it is to see her in your shirt???" No. more. wire. hangers. EVER!!!! The Wombat, at last looking beleaguered, tells BBM that she needs to let his decisions be his decisions." But ABe and this viewer's applause falters when the Wombat's edict is immediately followed by kissing. Boo hiss.

At least the Wombat does not hand out a rose on this date. But Broke Back will not be deterred: "If he can't make a decision, I'm going ot take matters into my own hands." eek.

Off we go on our date with Alli. "Meet me at the altar," said her date card. Oh shit, someone is going to die.

But Alli doesn't care, as she has put her Twin Towers on display in yet another bikini/tank top situation. We are sure she is thankful that the Wombat shows up for this date with two horses and two ponies, undoubtedly to carry each of her Girls. As the Wombat and Alli saunter into a field, the Wombat announces that they are going into a "cave. that is actually. 4. Million. Years. Old." This must be where ABC found Broke Back Michelle. "And Elvis," says ABe.

Alli and the Wombat walk directly into. . . batshit. Which inspires her to Make Like the Natives. As spiders scrabble and bats fly all over, Alli screetches and for one exciting moment, we think she might throw up. But no, the Wombat promises that "I'll protect you," so of course she feels safe . . until they get to a natural stairway inside the cave, called the "Alter," and the Wombat sacrifices her during their "picnic." Ok, not really, but we don't see much of this awkward moment.

Instead, we jump to yet another awkward moment: dinner on a lillypad. The Wombat is saddened because Alli has "all the qualities he is looking for in a wife" (substantial chest, brunette) and yet they are "making small talk." And also, my babies, she is writing her own goodbye. Apparently, Alli ended her last relationship because she just couldn't see him at her wedding. He was such a nice guy that she tried to make it work, but it just Was Not Working, and she eventually had to acknowledge that the relationship had fizzled out. "I'm going to repeat what you just said," starts the Wombat . .. . and he dumps her. The Wombat says he will walk her out, but we can't figure out how because they are surrounded by water.

At any rate, Alli cries in the limo about the Wombat having "set the bar high" for her next relationship (wtf.), and the Wombat stumbles home, drunk and "emotional" for not having given out a rose for the first time ever. KMu and ABe think that this is a perfect time for Jamie Green, or his Puerto Rican twin brother, "Jaime Verde," and we all secretly wonder where he is with his comforting words about staying true to the Mission, not kissing people the Wombat Doesn't Feel Like Kissing, and so forth. But Mr. Rico, Verde never shows up. Instead, we get . . . . Broke Back Michelle knocking on the Wombat's door.

"Hola," says she.

Ok, this is our thing (all of us). We watched as Dolly Pemily had the skinny french braid down the side of her head during the group date. And we watched as Jackie and maybe even Shawntel of the Dead did it as well. But here is Michelle, with the french braid tucked under her weave and we are Sick. Of. It.
"Michelle is a hairstylist," says KMu. "And that makes it a crime against nature."
Yet in a hard edit, Michelle and french braid have suddenly flown from outside the door to inside, on the sofa, making out with the Wombat. As she comes up for air, she says, for the 11th time, that the Wombat would be "making a huge mistake to keep Chantal" and that he made Michelle mad by not giving her the rose on the group date. She rattles of the list of people the Wombat should kick off, in order: Skipper Barbie, Jackie, Shawntel of the Dead, Chantally Lace, Dolly Pemily, and the Dentist, finally leaving Broke Back in the end. The Wombat is annoyed, as are we, and we are all glad when she leaves again. We will say one thing for BBM: she doesn't hover.

And the rose ceremony is upon us. Chantally Lace dressed herself up like a cheetah girl for this one, and Dolly Pemily decided to go back to her hippie stripper roots with some sort of paisley contraption on top of teetery heels. Yet is is Broke Back, who once again, has traumatized us all. Gentle readers, she is wearing a backpack. "You know, the kind that is a sack tied with a string on top," says KMu. And it is so true. She has tucked herself into said backpack so that only her head is popping out above the twine. Like a Gremlin.

In 1:1 time with the Wombat, he tells her that (like ourselves), she has "scared .him. badly." He feels that in her little visit the night before, they "took. ten. steps. back." and admonishes her again to trust his decisions. Yay, wombat!!! And now it is Broke Back's turn to be "scared" because she wants to "be married and have more children." There is wailing and gnashing of teeth. Yet when she returns to the other women, Broke Back says of her 1:1 time:
"It went good."
KMu: "With him and I."
ABe: "Him and I had a good conversation."
RAGE.

Blah blah, in additional 1:1 time with Shawntel of the Dead, they play the "Silent Game" which we all know the Wombat is going to win and that Shawntel just wants to use to kiss him -- which she does, badly. Chantally Lace then uses her 1:1 time to confess her undying love, to which the Wombat offers the Best Response Ever: "What makes you say that, if you don't mind."
Says PMu, "My daddy withheld love from me."

Meanwhile, the women have figured out the Broke Back snuck out to see the Bachelor the night before. She had initially lied about it, but then confesses it all: "That's why I came here. I'm not apologizing. I am keepin' it real." Oh, Broke Back.

And he picks (to join Chantally Lace, the only one with a rose so far):
1. The Dentist
2. Dolly Pemily
3. Skipper Barbie
4. Shawntel of the Dead, and
5. Broke Back.

WHAT? Jackie the artist goes home. She handles it relatively well, despite the obligatory "why doesn't anyone ever like me" speech. We all knew her days were numbered.

Stay tuned for next week, when the Wombat takes the remaining ladies to Anguilla, Chantally Lace lives up to her name in a crocheted bikini, and Broke Back Michelle takes up the discus with her earrings.

-KLo