Bachelor News Update

The Bitch is Back

2012-01-24T07:59:00.001-08:00

Let the record reflect that this viewer will be coming out of retirement to blog the Return of Dolly Pemily. We at the BNU are Officially Back.

Wombat Part Finale: The End

2011-03-15T03:23:00.000-07:00

Babies, after 10 years, we would like to announce that this is the End of the Road, for both the Wombat and This Viewer. This blog started as an email to a few friends, and grew to 143 blog posts, 200-250 steady readers, and many mini-bottles of the Sutter Wine. We have enjoyed it so much, but think that it is time to move our pen in another direction, and to get more sleep on Monday nights. Thank you so very much for reading. Drop a comment below this post, if you would like to tell me where you're from.

Without further ado, but with some sadness, we begin The Wombat: Part Finale. As the Wombat recaps the women and the difficult choice he is about to make, we are interrupted by “HEY-OH!!” Oh “African Choir singing in African Language,” we and Closed Captioning have missed you. The Wombat, gazing over his balcony at the part of Cape Town, announces that he is “looking out at what seems to be the whole world.” Ah, this must be Sarah Palin’s Cape Town.

After flashbacks of his insipid conversations with the women (“Let’s just say that he and Dolly Pemily aren’t going to win at charades,” says KMu), the Wombat is ready, babies, to introduce Chantally Lace and Dolly Pemily to his family. It is a “truly necessary step.” How fortunate for him, as his family suddenly is there, hiking through the brush towards him. And then there is crying, and scrawny sisters in law named “Dillon” and “Prima” (she was somebody’s cousin), and a mother in too much makeup. And the Wombat’s twin brother. Says ABe, “Wow, Chad is way hotter than the Wombat.”

After some tears evoked by family togetherness, the doorbell rings. “Hang tight, I need some time with my woman,” says the Wombat. WTF. Oh, it is just Chantally Lace, with the most burned chest we have ever seen. As she chatters on and on about “what really made me knew that I loved Brad . . .” was running through the rain with a wine glass (because that was so much like real life) we once again feel the death of grammar in America. Then Chad the Hot Brother is talking again, and we don’t hear anything except waves of hotness. “He really is 10,000 times hotter than his brother,” marvels ABe.

So blah blah, there is a lovefest between Chantally Lace and the Mom:
“You’re precious!”
“So are you!”
“You’re fabulous!”
“So are you!”
And off goes Chantally Lace into the sunset after a little smooch. Boy howdy, does this viewer think Chantally Lace kisses like crap, but the Wombat is undeterred: “If everything works out, I will marry her.”

The next day, it’s Dolly Pemily’s turn for the big family visit. She shows up with flowers all wrapped up, and for a moment we think it is a baby in the swaddling clothes. Oops. Before they go inside, the Wombat feels that he needs to coach Dolly Pemily: “You aren’t shy, you are just private.” We fight down our annoyance.

This time, brother Wes (not the hot one) ends up stepping in it when he asks Dolly Pemily how Ricki’s father would feel about her moving to Austin. The Wombat freaks out: “This ah . . ok. . . um not a good time . . but . . ah . . . maybe later.” Dolly Pemily shows more grace as she tells her story about her fiancee’s death, though she still can’t say “he was killed.” But it is enough. Prima has folded herself around one pointy clavicle, crying heavily.

The Wombat’s brothers quiz him about whether he is ready to be a dad, he insists he is ready, and the Wombat’s mother, Pamela, declares that she feels like she’s meeting his future wife. Babies, the most meaningful part of the whole day was when the Dolly Pemily told Pamela that the Wombat is her “angel.” Pamela gets choked up again telling it. The sisters-in-law also approve, because “as a mom, she would fit into our world.” WTF. But it is Chad the Hot Brother who saves the day from insipidity again, observing that there is a “huge difference between a wallflower and someone with poise. And Dolly Pemily is just extremely poised.” We heart Chad the Hot Brother.

We can all see where this is going.

But first, we must watch a final date with Chantally Lace, on a party boat in Cape Town. This viewer once took a party boat sightseeing trip in Mexico. Alcohol, waves, thirty people, and two toilets don’t mix, gentle readers.

But Chantally Lace isn’t thinking about the perils of party boating, as she is simply thrilled to have forgotten her pants one last time for the Bachelor. We conclude this is a wise move, as the Wombat announces that they are going to swim with the sharks in a little cage off the side of the boat. As we would completely pee our wetsuit, Chantally’s pantslessness suddenly makes sense. Except when she comes out of the dressing room, she seems to have forgotten her top. We cannot get past this, and apparently neither can her wetsuit zipper, which just stays open for the next 20 minutes despite the absence of top.

Since they survived the shark situation, Chantally Lace and the Wombat move on to a short visit at her place that night. Oh look, she has given him a message in a bottle! It is a map of the world, tracing all of their significant relationship steps, such as where she slapped him for the first time . . . . and the last time . . . . She has also included a personal note, on register tape. He unrolls it and reads, “blah blah fell in love. Blah blah, I choose you, please choose me.” It is actually a nice note, but we must deduct points from Chantally Lace for writing something that would inevitably be read in its entirety to the television viewing audience.

Off we go on final date #2 with Dolly Pemily, the next day. And we suddenly retract all that we said about Chantally Lace’s pantslessness, for DP is wearing a button down shirt cut up to where her future saddlebags will be, and boots. And it is windy. We are suddenly terrified, as Dolly Pemily attempts to hold down the fort in both front and back while walking towards a helicopter, up a mountain, and sitting in the wind on said mountain.

While they sit down and scream at each other over the wind about what it means to have children and be a father, Dolly Pemily has one hand scraping her hair out of her face and one hand holding down her “dress.” “I wish I had a hat for her,” says ABe. “A hat and pants.”

That night, the Wombat heads over to Dolly Pemily’s place to have what he believes is the “most important conversation” with her. He confesses that, “Ever since the Cape. The Windy Windy Cape,” he has been thinking about how ready he is to be a father, and he asks Dolly Pemily to open her life to him so that he can do that. And it all goes downhill. Dolly Pemily pushes him on whether he knows how hard and “not always fun” it will be. And the Wombat, viewing this as questioning his sincerity and trying to sabotage the relationship, gets mad. In a nutshell, he feels “defeated.”

Babies, we are in the badlands of the Wombat’s limited emotional range/understanding. And it does not look good for Dolly Pemily.

The very next day, however, is the Final Rose Ceremony. Suddenly, we are in the part of the book where each chapter is written by a different person, as we ping-pong between the Wombat, Dolly Pemily, and Chantally Lace’s views of the world while they get ready to find out who the Wombat has chosen. We hate Chantally Lace’s dress, for which she killed and denuded a small black bird. But, we love Dolly Pemily’s dress, even though we realize with a shock (as she steps out of the limo and into direct sunlight) that it is completely see-through.

Let’s just get it out of the way: He picks Dolly Pemily. Now this viewer owes DLei a dollar. And while the proposal is sweet and tender, we are actually more mesmerized by the engagement happening on the Fancy Feast commercial during the break. Over ABe’s wails of never getting those minutes back, KMu revokes our remote control privileges.

But here is the thing: we are suddenly whisked into the After the Final Rose episode, which is historically the following week. And we don’t know what to say, because the Wombat is there proclaiming his love for Dolly Pemily, while simultaneously stating that they broke up for awhile, and that he doesn’t know they are still engaged and he is “hoping she will tell me.” They have, apparently, not seen each other for a month. But out she comes to say that she loves him. She informs him that they are still engaged, but says that he has a temper, they have volatile fights, and they have some things to work through.

(this is all after Chantally Lace comes out, cries awhile about the difficult loss of the Wombat, and announces that despite this difficulty, she has moved on with someone new).

We feel bad for Dolly Pemily, as we know that she is now with someone that is going to be very hard to shake. We know where this is going for her, and feel sad.

Thank god that we have Bachelor Nation’s “successful couples,” to guide us through this difficult time: Trista & Ryan, Big Daddy and Molly who will Not Age Well, and Ali and Roberto. We still love Ryan, even though he wrote that poem and drew a white tiger for Trista (whatever works for her). And Molly still will not age well.

And so it ends, in a cliffhanger for the Wombat, and the end of the book for this viewer. Thank you, my own Bachelor Nation, for the ride.

-Kelly Hartzler (KLo)

Wombat Part The Women Tell All: Recycled Bachelor

2011-03-08T01:32:00.000-08:00

Babies, our ears are still bleeding from two hours. TWO. HOURS. of screetchiting at the level of a feral raccoon/the Jonas Brothers. We don't like The Women Tell All episode for oh so many reasons, and all were brought forcibly to mind last night. We secretly wish that ABC would stop with this episode of filler before the Big Reveal.

As Chris Harrison interviews Wombat, on tape, about how he liked being the "Recycled Bachelor," we look bleakly into the viewing audience, and this is what we find: Suzanne Somers circa that horrible shag haircut. So, when this viewer was a child, we would regularly go to summer stock theater in the round (we realize this explains a lot). Across from this viewer's season seats were the seats of a man and the piece of leather with a platinum top that he married. As the summer would progress, we would watch a perfect diamond of black hair emerge from the scalp of the Leather Lady, suddenly to disappear and be replaced with platinum blonde approximately every 4 weeks. But one year, Leather Lady and her husband stopped coming. We had thought they died, but no, they had just relocated to the Viewing Audience of the Women Tell All. We are blinded by the platinum glory.

But now we must pay attention again to the Wombat, who is recapping the women for what will be the 300th time. Blah blah Chantally Lace slapping him at the beginning of the show (ABe reacts in outrage that her skirt is short in front and long in back. We hate a mullet dress.). Blah blah the Dentist was fabulous. Blah blah Fangs saying goodbye in her prayer-shawl-and-nothing-else dress. Blah blah BBM has "a lot of game" and he was "blindsided by her beauty."

So then we must sit through a promo for "The Bachelor Pad 2." Babies, we will NOT be watching this show, as we are still so horrified by the promotion of it that we forget to really pay attention to what is happening on the TV. Apparently, there is now a "Bachelor Nation" that is "500 strong and counting." Yes, babies. They may be a displaced people, but they walk their trail of tears from New York to L.A. , where ABC has created reservations to protect their cherished community, in which alcoholism runs rampant.

Our eyes are then accosted by our former Beloved, Richard the Science Teacher (R.I.P.), whom we forgive for going to parties thrown by ABC where former contestants get drunk and hook up. We do not, however, forgive Kasey "Guard and Protect Her Heart" from season Ali for hooking up with La Ca, still in a tiara. And then there's Le Sausage, being all giddy about having been cast on the Bachelor Pad 2, Craigslist sticking his tongue down somebody's throat, and Gia complaining about Le Sausage sleeping with Wes. Well Gia, they say, they say that love, it don't come eeeeeeaaaaaaaassssyyyy.

And now we are on to the show. There is a pack of women on stage, and this is the only thing worth mentioning: The Dentist looks awful. Fake Tan. New Brunette hair. Orangy-red lipstick. It's like someone dressed up a piece of fruit leather. We are sad for her, as she looks about 40 years older than she really is.

Really, this episode is too painful to recap, so we are going to shirk our duties and say that Broke Back Michelle was "under attack." She has now remembered that she has a child, and beats that drum relentlessly: "I missed my child. I went on the show for my child." yadda yadda. The women aren't buying it. Jackie the Artist calls her a "spider" for being "creepy and someone people are scared of," and Stacey the BARTENDER says she is a bad role model for her child. vOther women come to BBM's defense. This is all done at such an irritating pitch that we almost cannot handle it. Oh, and as a cherry on top, we must also relive the whole "Melissa v. Raichel" fight that bored us so much the first time that we refused to write about it.

Needless to say, this culminates in Chris Harrison jumping down off the couch to kneel beside BBM in comfort. Or, as KMu says, "Rescue Broke Back, The Bodyguard Style."
"And IIIIeeeeiiiiieeeeeIIIII, will always love youuuuUUUUUUuuuuu," sings ABe.
As Broke Back cries and Chris Harrison comforts, the women call off the attack. BBM is not such a bad person. Yes, she's a good mom. And oh, life would not have been the same without her every Monday night.

"What happens Monday nights?" asks ABe, completely serious.

Oh ABe, we love you.

So then The Nanny takes the "Hot Seat," and we don't understand her dress. It is shiny and gold, and "looks like it caught on the door on the way in," (sayeth KMu). She, like the rest of the "Bachelor Nation" has forgotten her pants. The Nanny starts to cry as she describes how she's been in a "lot of bad relationships" that either end with the guy cheating or deciding he doesn't want to date her anymore. News flash, Nanny: except for the cheating part, most relationships end when people decide to stop dating. But the Nanny wants explanations, as she heard the Wombat's statement "She would make a good wife, but not for me," as "She wouldn't make a good wife." And this is why the Bachelor continues.

Next up: The Dentist. She looks awful. awful. awful. And is wearing satin formal shorts with visible zipper detail. Even if she has a nice interview, we cannot get past the World Of No in which she has festooned herself. Gentle readers, this viewer's E! True Hollywood Confession is that we do not have the best fashion sense. But do you know why we no longer have purple hair? Because our sister SHa told us that we were older than shit, and that people past a certain age don't do that. And we listened. And that is what needs to happen with the Dentist and her formal shorts.

Out comes the Wombat. He had "promised his significant other that he wouldn't be too happy" when he out on stage, so "If you're out there, sorry babe." The Nanny gets her closure, BBM and he conclude that they are each too "volatile" to be with one another, and the Dentist gets a hug (we at the BNU all agree that he still has feelings for her).

And then ABC is held hostage by the 700 Club. Oh babies, while the Bachelor was in South Africa, they decided to help the little black children by buying them a solar heater for their school's water. "It is so meaningful to see the smile on those childrens' faces," says the Wombat. "I mean, we gave them hot water." Followed by image upon image ad nauseum of Chris Harrison and the Wombat playing with the little black children and interviews with the school teachers thankful for hot water.

And this is our thing: it is good to do charitable works. But babies, this viewer is here to tell you that swooping in for a day to give people pantyhose, and then take a lot of pictures of oneself handing out said pantyhose, is not the best model of assistance to the third world. ABe's head has exploded all over the television.

Finally, we are at an end. The Wombat is "happier than he's ever been." The woman that he has picked has "changed his life," and "buddy," he "falls in love with her more every day."

Will it be Dolly Pemily or Chantally Lace? Stay tuned for next week, when All Is Revealed.

-KLo

Wombat Part 9: Like the Lion King, Only Better

2011-03-01T02:11:00.000-08:00

Babies, there are elephants. Zebras. Lions. That's right, because we are in SOUTH AFRICA!! KMu queries, "I wonder how how long we can spend in an episode shot in South Africa without seeing a black person, because we know how long we can go with episodes shot in America." This viewer thinks she is right, except that ABe has put us in a sugar coma with pumpkin scones and wine, so we are having difficulty. forming. sentences. This should be *just right* for watching the Wombat.

Naturally, Wombat Part 9 must begin with a recap of the ladies, but we are mainly interested in the fact that, while this is happening, the Wombat is also getting on a plane to fly coach to South Africa. And there is a black person! A flight attendant. We draw one line under our People of Color Counter ("POC.C.").

Anyway, kissing Chantally Lace is as "close to perfect" as things can come. FEH. We are over the Chantally Lace. Meanwhile, there is the Dentist. An "accomplished, professional woman," marvels the Wombat. . . "who is still in school," says ABe. We love that we can be a "doctor" on the Bachelor if we have two years of college premed. And last but not least, there is Dolly Pemily, who makes him be a better person. Or as the Wombat tells us: "I, myself, am a better self." Yes, babies, the Bachelor makes us all better versions of our self.

So ABC pulls a little plane on a string, across a map of the world towards Africa. As we hear a screetch of brakes, we are accosted by "HEY-OH!!!!" Ah, the Music Of Africa. And we get the Wombat's book report on the Land He Is Visiting:
"It is very vast land.
Filled with exotic animals.
It is really really cool.
But also a little dangerous."
This is not unlike a certain viewer's First Poem Ever About International Travel, written in the first grade: "Suck your toe, all the way to Mexico." We wonder if the Wombat did just that.

Suddenly, we are at the Lion Sands Lodge, where Chantally Lace is wearing the shortest shorts ever. Listen, CL, you are in the bush. Which does not mean that you show yours. And also, button your top. We have No Words anymore, as the Wombat and Chantally Lace go on a truck safari with two, TWO more black people (oooo, now there are three marks under my POC.C.). Except one has a giant gun, so we have to subtract have a point for Stereotypical Portrayal of a Black Person in a Television Series or Film. During said safari, this is what we hear:
"Wow, this is insane."
"Look how big he is."
"Oh, wow."

We refill our wine and try not to be bored. But then this happens: "Choir Singing in an African Language." WE LOVE CLOSED CAPTIONING. Between the "owl hoots," "insect buzzing" and television interpretation of the Wombat's inarticulate mumblings, Closed Captioning is the Fun New Thing at BNU headquarters.

And then this viewer goes on Overload, because we have just seen two giraffes, which the Wombat has described as "magestic creatures." Babies, we went to the zoo once, to see the giraffes. And as we stood there hand-in-hand with our boyfriend, we also watched the giraffes link legs as if they were People Like Us. There was cooing and sweetness from the mothers and children surrounding us. We took a picture. And then, one giraffe started to pee. And the other giraffe unlinked its hoof from the peeing giraffe, turned around, and DRANK THE PEE. And that, my babies, is why giraffes are not "magestic."

But the Wombat and Chantally Lace are not done yet. Oh no, the Wombat is concluding that a relationship needs to "go through a test, whether fear or danger." So they decide to eat lunch beside two hippos. Sayeth Chantally Lace, "It's really a metaphor for what is going on in our relationship." As long as no one drinks anything, this viewer is cool. But before long, the Wombat is confessing that he is missing her family (which we all know is code for Pining After Her Father), followed by mutual confessions of how this will all be Even More Serious in another week, when he could be proposing to someone.

Dinner is more of the same, except we get the Fantasy Suite card!! "It's like Vegas. What happens in the Fantasy Suite stays in the Fantasy Suite" chatters Chantally Lace. Except not, because the fantasy suite is an open air bedroom with no walls, 20 feet up a tree. We love us some Swiss Family Robinson, but we would secretly worry about malaria (and also, being eaten by a lion) in these circumstances. But CL doesn't want this date to end. We no longer care.

Finally, it is date #2 with Dolly Pemily. Again, what is up with the short shorts and cowboy boots? While unphased by the impropriety of forgetting one's pants in South Africa, Dolly Pemily is immediately anxious that the Wombat leaves her "alone in the wilds" at the beginning of their date. As she stands waiting, we see an elephant rumble towards her. That's right! An ELEPHANT safari!! We had an Elephant Interaction in India, which did not go badly, and so our confidence is high. Not so, Dolly Pemily:
"Oh my lord.
Oh my goodness gracious."
"Oh heavens."
All we can think of is "oh, the chafing," as two more POC scurry around the elephant to lift Dolly Pemily on top for the safari. But Dolly is chafe-free as she marvels that "this is like the Lion King, but better." Yes, and McDonalds is like a farm.

Over lunch, the Wombat confesses that he has "missed your daughter." Oh HELL no. The Wombat has just violated this Viewer's Rule for Harlequinn Romances: No weird names for the main characters ("Stonebrook," "Delicia") and no bringing of children into the story. That's right, this viewer will read about Magic Skirts that Make One Find True Love, but Will Not Read "The Millionare's Secret Baby" or "A Functioning Man to Raise Her Child" And also, don't shoplift the pootie, Wombat.

But Dolly Pemily is charmed, which carries over into dinner, where she has chosen to wear a skintight black sequin "lillypad" (in the words of KMu). Oh! The wombat is "all nervous around" her! Oh! Dolly Pemily "dunno" why! Yet despite all of this, we secretly like Dolly Pemily even more when the Fantasy Suite card comes, and she delicately says:
"I am a mom and would like to set a good example. However, I would also like to take the time with you, to continue on AT THE SAME PACE and to TALK."

Yay, Dolly Pemily! She is awarded the Wombat leading her to the Most Uncomfortable Seat in the Fantasy Suite: a wicker love seat. Never one to be ungraceful, Dolly Pemily awkwardly perches on the edge of the seat, and then confesses that she is falling in love with him.
There is stunned silence.
Followed by, "I. didn't. Expect that. Wow."
More stunned silence.
"I. didn't. expect that. at. all."
MORE stunned silence.
"But. I am. also. falling in. love. with you. Ah. would. not. let you. say that. without out. saying. something. in. return."

"It's like his brain functions by satellite," observes KMu. "What DP says has to transmit up . . . . and then back down to his brain . . . where there is an old, tired hamster on a wheel, trying to keep the whole thing going."

If this is true, then we seriously fear for the heart health of that hamster, as the Wombat heads into date #3 with the Dentist. Again with the short shorts and lack of malaria shots. Off they go on a walk, as the Dentist says she feels like she is "walking back to the carnival" of their first date (undoubtedly because she is walking down a hill on some grass). Suddenly, the Dentist goes all skreetchity when she sees her Biggest Fear In Life: A helicopter!! That's right, the Wombat and she are going to Face Her Fear Together as they take a Helicopter Safari.

After the Wombat convinces the Dentist to take it down an octave, they are off: "I had. no idea how. beautiful. South Africa is. I really didn't. We saw some. very wild, exotic. animals," says he. Seriously?

But this date is not going well. As the helicopter lands in Middle Earth, the Dentist annoints herself with the kiss of death: "Now that I am getting older, I would consider moving back to Maine." Oh sweet Mary and Joseph, child, you're supposed to insert yourself into HIS life after this thing is over. The Wombat doesn't what the Dentist says at all. He peppers her with questions about whether she can "allow herself to live while she achieves" and patronizes her with anecdotes of how his own 20s passed him by because he was working all the time.

Dear Wombat,
This girl just took two months off from her life to go on a t.v. show with the likes of you. We think she knows how to make her own fun.
Love,
KLo.

But it goes even more downhill from there, as the Wombat seriously cannot keep up with the Dentist mentally. He freaks out that she has not mentioned Austin as a place for them to live together. SHe says she's never visited Austin. The Wombat looks alarmed. The Dentist says that if they were going to make a life together, then Austin would be fine, but she would have never thought of it otherwise. The Wombat can't process this and becomes agitated.

This viewer once watched a suitor self-destruct over e-mail. It was fascinating. "I don't think I'm ready to date. . . but maybe I am. . . But I like you . . . Though you are too good for me. . . I can never see you again . . . do you want to go out?" Babies, that is the Wombat's brain at this moment, the Hamster having given up the ghost. We feel almost bad for him, but mostly for the Dentist, who clearly needs someone with the horses to keep up. They take the fantasy suite card to talk more, but it Is Over.

And now the rose ceremony is upon us. We all know what is happening, which makes us wonder why the Dentist chose to wear a rucheted poop-colored dress. Chantally Lace is in the red, and Dolly Pemily has some sort of spandex dress with a blue bustier painted on top of a black t-shirt followed by a grey skirt. Thank God we don't have to look at her too much today.

Immediately, the Wombat takes the Dentist aside. She is heartbroken as he let's her go before handing out any roses. Except, after he finally utters the words, she pops up cheerfully and says she's "not going to beg you to change your mind." YAY Dentist!!! So then the Wombat self-destructs again because he secretly was hoping that she would convince him that he made the right decision. He begs her to tell him "what's wrong" (are you freaking kidding us?) and insists on a hug. We give mad props to the Dentist for being polite.

As the Dentist drives off into the sunset and the Wombat returns to the rose ceremony, Chantally Lace whispers excitedly to Dolly Pemily that she doesn't see the Dentist. Dolly Pemily is too well-bred to respond. But the Wombat, having received no pat on the head from the Dentist, needs to now be reassured by the remaining women that he's still "got it." So he gives roses to Chantally Lace and Dolly Pemily anyway, and announces that he's looking forward to taking them to "One Of The Most Exciting Cities in the World," Cape Town.

But we must wait to find out how that goes, for next week is the Women Tell All.

KLo

Wombat Part 8: Tales from the Crypt

2011-02-22T01:45:00.000-08:00

Well, babies. It has happened. This viewer is getting married.
"At least someone got engaged this season of the bachelor," sayeth PMu. Word.

"This. has. been. an. incred.ible. experience. Waking. up. in. New. York. I was. so. excited," reports the Wombat. So the first time we woke up in New York, it was to the noise of a gay pride parade racketing down the street outside our residence like a mardi gras queen in assless chaps. Which is, in fact, far more exciting than the rain peeing down the window outside the Wombat's. And also, why is he wearing a cap from Newsies? This is an Unconvincing Look for the Wombat.

He recaps the women: He could see "real life" with Chantally Lace. The Dentist has energy like a Yorkie. Shawntel of the Dead is "beautiful, fun." And Dolly Pemily . . . .
ABe: "He wants to pick her, but they wouldn't survive as a couple."
KMu: "Yeah, because they're both too stupid."
We are vaguely aware of the Wombat saying something about feelings getting deeper, but still cannot get past his hat. "Hello, gov'ner," says ABe.

Without further ado, we are accosted by Chantally Lace. She has chewed through her floral noose and run to meet the Wombat in the park during one of the only sunny days in her hometown of Seattle, frayed ends of the rope/scarf dangling. Unfortunately, her pants are so tight that, when she jumps into the Wombat's arms, Chantally Lace leaves her legs behind. We know girlfriend is tiny, but that has still got to feel like a ton of bricks for the Wombat.

Chantally Lace prattles on and on and ON in the Most Pointless Conversation Ever: So happy to see you. Just natural. Be yourself. This is like hanging out in real life. Parents important. Go meet them. But first, let's go home to my house so we can . . . meet my dog Boca.
[GASP].
Gentle readers, "Boca" is a 6 inch tall pomeranian in a HOODIE. Don't be fooled by the rocks that she's got, babies, she's just "Boca from the Block." Having been warned that Boca "can bite," the Wombat is also thrilled to discover that "Boca is a good judge of character," -- apparently based on the fact that Boca does not bite HIM. We secretly feel like Chantally Lace's other pets: two cats looking Salty in the corner. But Chantally Lace thinks hanging out with the Wombat and Boca is "just like the Real World." Yes, This is the story about what happens when a Cowboy from Texas and an Emo from Seattle Stop Being Polite, and Get Real.

So just because this is completely like the real life, we go to meet Chantally Lace's parents in the most Ridiculously Overdone Mansion Ever. Babies, it has it's own brick circular entry/driveway, between two sets of gates. Are we back at the Bachelorette house? Because this place is looking familiar. And also, home to Mom, Billy Joel (or Jo, but Joel is more fun), Michael, and brother Conner. "What up, bro," says the Wombat.

Illustrating the age-old adage that Money Does Not Equal Taste, our eyes do not know where to look: at Billy Joel's fake boobs and fake lips, at the giant candelabra stuck between a bunch of other Giant Things People Buy from Pottery Barn to Decorate Giant tables, or at the giant basket of chicken that Dad Michael just put down on the Giant table, to accompany the decanted wine. Our eyes go back to the mother. Is this chick for real? As she catwalks out of the living room, we conclude that Billy Joel will be on the next Hosewives of Seattle, and that the Wombat will be playing footsie with both ladies of the house during dinner.

Dad and Chantally lace have a heart to heart. Oh, it's just like when he met mom and knew This Was It (before the collagen)! Dad and the Wombat have a heart to heart. Babies, they both have bricklayers in their families. And also, Dad has a 10 foot high statute of a man carving himself out of rock in the middle of his house because 1) why not, and 2) "guys like you and me, we are Self Made Men." Dad and Wombat get progressively drunk as they carry their conversation to what this viewer *might* have secretly thought was the kitchen, but is, in fact, the wine cellar. Oops. That is apparently only in this viewer's kitchen.

As the men hug it out in a budding Bromance, Chantally Lace sits awkwardly across from Billy Joel in the sitting room. Billy Joel tries to move her lips to say that she must Trust Love. But Chantally Lace is scared, babies. She Never Thought She Would Feel this Way Again after her 10-year romance with her high school sweetheart ended in divorce. "Come here so that I can awkwardly pet your hair," says a potted plant next to Billy Joel. We applaud Billy Joel for practicing ventriloquey, in light of her situation.

This date ends as it should:
Chantally Lace: "I will miss you."
Wombat: "Ok, sounds good."

Off we go to Madawaksa, Maine, a/k/a the most northeastern town in the United States, to meet the Dentist. KMu hands us a brownie. "It's a speedball," says KMu. You know, so that we are on the same sauce as the Dentist.

So the Dentist is wearing a white t-shirt tucked into spandex leggings, and boots. We do not know how we feel about this, but we no longer care because suddenly, the Dentist is feeding the Wombat Poutine!!! We love us some french fries with gravy and cheese. Our mind flashes back to eating this elixir at Superbowl 2008 and the Superbowl Blow Out that followed. It was so worth it, babies. We decide that, in the world of Weird Shit French Speaking People Put on French Fries, we will take Poutine any day over its Belgian response: Mayonaisse. Except what did we just hear the Wombat say? "This is better than sushi." You are DEAD TO ME, Wombat.

This date is dizzying game of Hungry Hungry Hippos. The Wombat and Dentist race around snapping up carrots, lobster, and apples, only to vomit them all back up to her family: Mom Laurie, Dad Mike, Sister Christie, and Brother somebody-or-other, who then musical-chair it around the living room at a frantic pace. Christie explains that, living so far north, the girls were into innocent entertainment as children . . . ice skating, ice fishing, and the occassional tattoo parlor (judging from the full-body tats that Christie is sporting just under her t-shirt). We heart Christie.

In 1:1 time with Dad, he informs the Wombat that she is going to "finish school" and "become a dentist." Stop the presses. Ashley is NOT A DENTIST??? Color us shocked that ABC would embellish this fact. The Wombat, in turn, worries that he will "hold Ashley back in life." You know, Wombat, that is Really Surprising as she can Think Circles Around You. But if the Dentist wants to saddle herself to a twit, so be it.

This date ends with Mom Laurie suggesting that the Wombat spend the night because they "have four bedrooms." And also, the parents could just Bundle the Wombat and the Dentist, for warmth and propriety just like the old Mennonites of yore. That's right, babies: stick a board between them and rope them up tight. Bundling: What REALLY happens in the Fantasy Suite.

And now we come to the Piece de Resistance: The Wombat wanders into Chico, California to meet Shawntel of the Dead for their Hometown Date. And what better place to start, than at the funeral home? Da da DA, dadadada Da DUM!!!! As the Toccata & Fugue in G Minor starts to play, Shawntel of the Dead rises up from the stairwell in a mini-skirt and cowboy boots with this:
"Death has been a part of my life since I was a little girl."
Oh look, it's Debbie Does a Funeral Home, Chico-Style.

"This is a first for "Brad and I's relationship," says Shawntel. If this viewer were on the embalming table, we would rise up and smite this woman for Killing Grammar. But the Wombat is unphased (though not for long):
"From the little I've seen, I love it here!," says he.
"Thanks, it gets even prettier!," says Shawntel of the Dead.
Babies, he meant the town.
Okay, so in the interest of full disclosure (and because ABe and KMu are going to Out Us otherwise), this viewer has secretly and seriously thought about being a mortician. We don't mind dead people. Or grief. And we can do hair. And also, death is not unrelated to the practice of law. But Shawntel prances about the crypts ("do you want to be cremated?"), the cremation room, and the prep room with scissors of every color and variety, and describes how she meets with families to prepare their wishes. And so we can understand why the Wombat is looking progressively wild-eyed, ESPECIALLY when she puts him on the prep table. Uh oh.

We go home to meet Mom Colleen, Dad Rick, and Sisters Destiny and Vanessa. Somehow, these two normal people that are Shawntel's parents have managed to create three hot daughters. Though, KMu observes that naming one's child "Destiny" has a whole new meaning when one runs a funeral home.

So this is our thing (all of us): We really like this family. Dad Rick throws down on Shawntel of the Dead: "You were in the line of succession to take over the family business, and you can't do that if you move away."
Shawntel: "But Daddy, I am in love. And when a person is In Love, they do Crazy Things." (like throw away one's career to marry an emotionally challenged bar owner from Texas).

We heave a deep, heartfelt sigh for Shawntel's parents to have raised such pretty daughters, one of whom has apparently lost her mind. "That's okay," we whisper. "She will come back. This viewer once dated a man who kept a ferret in his bathroom, and it all worked out in the end." Fortunately for Shawntel's parents, and though we like Shawntel more than before, we know she is Toast. The Wombat stands about three feet away from her as they say goodbye.

And the last Hometown Date with Dolly Pemily is upon us. And what better place to start out than a park, where ABC can shamelessly tug at our heartstrings with a shot of Ricky running into Dolly Pemily's arms, a la Big Daddy and Ty. As the Wombat walks across a park bridge carrying something pink, KMu calls it: "He got Ricky a kite."
And color us shocked, it IS a butterfly kite.
So this is just another supremely awkward date, with Ricky hiding behind Dolly Pemily the entire time, the Wombat trying to connect over a picnic lunch ("what. do. you. like. to do. for fun") and Dolly Pemily trying to juggle a mute daughter and a cardboard date . . . until the Wombat decides to break the ice by asking Ricky about her makeup table.

You know, when this viewer was little, all we wanted was one of those disembodied heads with a giant makeup kit and curlers, so that we could do hair and makeup to our heart's content. And do you know what we got? We got a bike. But our sister, SHa, SHE got a Dolly Parton wig for her fourth birthday. And that's why she likes Britney Spears. True Story.

At any rate, things unthaw over board games and tooth brushing, except the whole kid thing has traumatized the Wombat. He claims he is ready for children, gentle readers, but he Just. Can't. Kiss. Dolly Pemily with her child sleeping upstairs. To Dolly Pemily's credit, she concludes: "Brad Wombat is not walking out the door without kissing me. That's for damn sure." Ok, we like D.P. And, in the only moment of minor aggression we have witnessed from the Dolly, she actually liplocks the Wombat as he leaves. Yay, Dolly Pemily! But you deserve so much better!

So the rose ceremony, like it always is, is upon us. And even though it is President's Day, was it really necessary for the ladies to wear Red (Chantally Lace), White (the Dentist), and Blue (Dolly Pemily)? We now KNOW that Shawntel of the Dead is going home, because she is black and babies, black ain't a color of ABC's United States.

Sure enough, after a pointless deliberation with Chris Harrison, the Wombat picks:
1. The Dentist.
2. Dolly Pemily.
3. Chantally Lace.
Shawntel of the Dead is very graceful as the Wombat informs her that she got the axe because, besides creeping him out, he "didn't feel the way a man ought to feel," when she told him that she loved him. We seriously hope that Shawntel of the Dead finds a guy who can handle her lifestyle.

Stay tuned for next week, when the ladies go to South Africa and must decide whether to Stay in the Fantasy Suite. This viewer personally thinks it's a good idea, as the only off-air time to get to know each other.
Sayeth KMu: "And see how big Wombat's penis is."
Sayeth PMu: "Of course, if Brett Favre is the next bachelor, there's no need to use the Fantasy Suite to learn that."

-KLo

Wombat Part 7: Fat Lard

2011-02-15T01:28:00.000-08:00

Hello my Valentines!!! In honor of Valentine's Day and ABe's birthday, the Mus began Wombat Part 7 by cracking out the Special Sauce. As G Love says (sort of): "My babies' got sauce, your baby ain't sweet like mine." So sing it, babies, and let's begin.

We have Confirmed What We Secretly Suspected this season, which is that Chantally Lace is All Worlds of Fake on top. How do we know this? Because Chantally Lace has invented her own tube top that is magically staying in place on the speed boat to Anguilla. And if They Were Real, then she would have given Broke Back Michelle another black eye, Hammer-Style, with all the tossing about on the waves. Except that we almost don't care because our brain is now burned by Broke Back, who has apparently just left the ZZ Top concert with a special souvenier: a hot pink shredded t-shirt with wings on the front. We hate this top.

Yes yes so here we are in Anguilla for the last episode before the Wombat meets families, and Chris Harrison wants us all to know that THIS time around, there shall be three individual dates with no roses (oooo) and one group date with a single rose. Skipper Barbie is concerned. As the only girl left who has not ever gotten a 1:1 date, she has some catching up to do. Oh Skipper, we all know you are going home for no other reason than you are not brunette, so do not worry.

And the first date card comes: "Three things I would take to a deserted island: a picnic lunch, champagne, and Dolly Pemily." Ok, so this viewer would bring a knife, but whatever. Dolly Pemily, who the Wombat has just scooped out of the pool in her little coverup, is charmed when a helicopter shows up: "You do too much on our dates!!!" she says. Yes, Dolly, we are all confident that the Wombat had all of these tricks up his very own sleeve. The Wombat, however, is hoping that ABC's grand gestures will help him "take. it. to a. whole. new. level." with Dolly Pemily. He is in luck.
Wombat (to the camera): "This is a. perfect. scenario. for a guy. to. tell. how. he's. feeling."
Wombat (to DP): "So. this is. a. pretty. view. Em."
Dolly Pemily: "Yes."
Wombat (to DP) : "I. could. stay here. all. day."
Dolly Pemily: "Yes. . . . If the sun and moon align, it will work out between us."

Step aside, Jane Austen, there's a new gal in town.

And the bleeding continues:
Wombat: "Tell. me. what. for. you. is your favorite part. of. today."
Dolly Pemily: "Oh. I liked today. "

She also likes soup, and talking and not talking. But gentle readers, Dolly Pemily is worried, as she has never introduced her daughter Ricky to anyone she has dated. And yet, crisis: How can he propose, not having met her daughter? The Wombat makes a Bold Move, promising to give Dolly Pemily a rose at the end of the week so that she can start making the "phone calls" to line things up for the following week. That's right, the Wombat is a "rule breaker."

He has also fallen "very. hard. tonight." As the Wombat and Dolly Pemily wander into the water to kiss/pee, he says that their "kiss is more than just a kiss." Meh.

Meanwhile, date card #2 has come for . . . Shawntel of the Dead!!! "Let's find love on the streets of Anguilla. And also, scurvy." So we made the last part up, but Gentle Readers, S of the D is just excited to focus on "Brad and I's relationship." We secretly hope that Shawntel is not responsible for writing the death announcements in Chico, TX.

Thank god for black people playing the steel drums, to carry us away on the Sea of Burning Rage. As you know (all of you), this viewer hates a steel drum almost as much as the jazz flute. Shawnel of the Dead and the Wombat offer us a montage of Black People Activities such as jump rope and the playing of dominos, and we brace ourselves for the inevitable Chitlin Cook Off. But instead. . . we are presented with Aunt Jemima.

ABe's head just exploded all over the BNU offices/Mus living room.

That's right, babies, ABC has found a Magical Black Person in the streets of Anguilla to advise Shawntel of the Dead and the Wombat on their relationship journey. Her name is Aunt Bea, and yes, she does in fact wear a red and white turbin to match her apron, to which her bosoms have seceded. As she blesses the couple, the Wombat is moved to give Aunt Bea a paternalistic hug. We hear a choking sound from the direction of ABe.

Shawntel of the Dead and the Wombat beat a hasty retreat to the park, where they eat lunch surrounded by goats. They feel natural around each other, babies. So much that Shawntel proclaims her love (color us shocked). And then. . . *PAFF** we are suddenly in a woodland area, where the Wombat needs to "sit.down. and measure. my feelings." Would that be in metric? We will never find out, because it is dinner, and S of the D is asking if the Wombat respects his mother, and he is excited to talk about his family with her, and there is love being proclaimed and rain and making out and then suddenly "I have. yet. another. surprise. for Shawntel."

My babies, it is Bankie Banx, famous singer in Anguilla and perhaps "the Entire Carribean." And look, he has brought an entourage of ABC extras to stand around awkwardly until he is ready to play, at which point they magically break into smiles an dancing, re-creating the bar scene from Eat. Pray. Love.

As "Bankie" starts his reggae set, we flash back to a reggae concert in our college days. It was there, my darlings, that this viewer spied her English Literature professor outside her native habitat, blinking doe-like in the lights and swaying awkwardly with a group of similarly lost professorial types. Which made us feel our own interminable bouncing and the oldness in our joints, even at age 19. We carry this memory with us, babies, lest we forget that Reggae Hurts. And also, that we will Not Be Seen In the Same Light if we take our pasty ass to a concert in which we might run into Young People That We Know.

The date ends with Shawntel of the Dead and the Wombat stripping down into their swimwear and their "his and hers" tramp stamps, to embrace in the water. It is at this point that ABE suggests that we stop watching the Bachelor and just blog our own made-up season. Ooooo, intriguing.

So Date Card #3 is upon us: "Let's set sail on a sea of love," and surprise, it is for the Skipper. Broke Back hopes that her "ship will go down." Which is perhaps why Skipper has decided to festoon herself in a neon orange/pink jacket with those hated mesh shoulder panels. We hate this jacket even more than Broke Back's ZZ top, and so we are glad when the Wombat announces that they will be swimming out to . . . .a yacht!!! Which they will take to a Local Spot, where the Wombat can throw Skipper off some rocks.

As the Skipper struggles up a rock in her swimsuit to jump "for the sake of the relationship," we feel bad for her Utterly Buttless ways and the fact that she must spend an entire date in a bikini on national television. "I cannot imagine doing that in a string bikini," says KMu. "Or anything in a string bikini." Mama don't need to wear no basketball hoop past the age of 30.

Skipper flings herself to her death, which we can barely see, as she has turned sideways now and we are old and blind. The Wombat is proud of her for jumping, but he is troubled because he is in the Most Romantic Place Ever, and yet does not feel like "grabbing her and kissing her." Well, we would not want to grab a pile of bones either unless our name was Hansel and we want to fool the Wicked Witch. In the end, and after an incredibly awkward dinner (to which Skipper has not helped her cause by wearing a slip), the Wombat gives her the heave-ho. You see, after the Wombat was "crucified" for "stringing girls along" on Wombat Season 1, he does not want to do that to the Skipper. "Do you think that's how he got that cross on his back?" wonders KMu.

We feel bad for the Skipper, who is actually very nice, as she wanders back to the ladies' villa by herself and has to pack in front of all the other secretly delighted contestants.

Thank god it is the final group date (as we are hungry and also late for work). The Wombat wakes the Dentist, Broke Back, and Chantally Lace at midnight for their Big Surprise: They will be posing in the next Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Magazine, out today! "Thousands of women dream of doing this," proclaims the Wombat. "No," corrects KMU, "thousands of men dream of women dreaming about doing this." Confirming this sentiment, Chantally Lace says, "I feel like a fat lard. I wish I hadn't eaten for the last couple days."

Let us summarize. The Dentist uses conch shells in lieu of a bikini top. Chantally Lace cries and "does not feel sexy." Chantally Lace then takes her top off and is chased around the screen by a little black editing box for the next five minutes. Chantally Lace cries. Broke Back, not wanting to be outdone, declares that she is "not the kind of girl" to also remove her top (no doubt she does not want to display her scars), but that she IS the sort of girl to roll around in the sand licking the Wombat's face. Chantally Lace cries. The entire group then goes to a "pool party" where the women get drunk and Chantally Lace cries, before showing the world the vertical back tat of Chinese text that she wisely placed directly above her crack. Or, as KMu calls it, her "fortune cookie." The Wombat is traumatized, Chantally Lace cries and storms off. The end. Oh, and the Dentist gets the rose on this date (making Chantally Lace cry).

We no longer care who wins this thing. Chantally Lace, you have Defeated Us. ABe suggests that the Wombat send her home for being a lame ass.

Thank god we don't have to wait any longer, because the Rose Ceremony is Upon us. And gentle readers, the Wombat doesn't need a cocktail party to make up his mind, because he is So Ready to Get This Over With. We are too, because Shawntel of the Dead has shown up in a knee-length t-shirt with buttons on the front. And Dolly Pemily is wearing our beach towel. And Chantally Lace is wearing go go fringe. And Broke Back is wearing a mu mu with earrings the size of a plate. AND the dentist is wearing a romper pantsuit. Make it end, Wombat. MAKE IT END.

So he picks to join the Dentist:
1. Dolly Pemily
2. Shawntel of the Dead.
3. Chantally Lace.

OH! Broke Back is going Home!!! We are actually glad when BBM won't let the Wombat hold her hand or talk to her, and then lays down silently in the limo to ride off. Thank you, god, for smal favors.

Stay tuned for next week, when the Wombat announces that he Does Not Deal Well With Death.
KLo.

Wombat Part 6: Make You Feel My Love

2011-02-08T01:46:00.000-08:00

Make no bones (hee hee) about, Wombat Part 6 opens with the Worst Conception Imagery Ever. To whit: Itty bitty helicopter flying over the vast lush expanse of Costa Rica *CRASHING WATERFALL* itty helicopter *CRASHING WATERFALL into circular pool* itty helicopter and . . .touchdown. The Wombat hopes that Costa Rica helps him find love.

As we land with Bradley, our eyes are assaulted with imagery from ABC's view of Costa Rica. And we don't remember any of them except The Cow. Though The Cow is only on the screen for a fraction of a second, it is enough to traumatize us forever. Babies, when we were in the Other Rica/o (puerto), we were Chased By A Cow. And while this might be funny in the abstract, when one is between a fence and a cliff with the Cow clippity-clopping closer and closer behind oneself : clip clop clip clop clippity clop clippitycloppityclippitycloppity
CLIPPITYCLOPPITY, I can tell you it is Not Fine. And also, it does Not Work to stare an animal into laying down like The Crocodile Dundee. Just an fyi.

Oh look, there is a volcano! We Love a volcano -- so much so that we forgive the ladies for saying that their villa "overlooks" it, even though said villa is miles away and clearly at the volcano's base. As the ladies move into their new digs, Broke Back Michelle is convinced she can "make" the Wombat fall in love with her here. Too bad that the first date card comes for Chantally Lace:
"Close your eyes, hold on tight, love is in the air tonight." Oooo!!!
Broke Back supplies the rejoinder: "If Brad is interested in Chantal, he isn't interested in me." Yes Broke Back, we are all praying for that.

The Wombat immediately picks Chantally Lace up for their date. . .a "little adventure" in Costa Rica. As they fly off in their helicopter towards the volcano, we suffer a pang of rare jealousy. You know, this viewer would suffer a day with the Wombat to visit a volcano. We even know how we would do it, as we learned this trick in Junior High: bring a Hot Friend along as a decoy, so we are left in peace. We promise you, babies, it works.

At any rate, the Wombat is thrilled. "If. you. are going. to do. what. Chantal. and I am. going. to do., where. not. to do. it. in this. particular. place." Oh Brad, we all know what you and Chantal are about to do, and are pretty sure you have done "it" before. And also, we don't like your shorts. They may be innocuous, but they are Too Long with his red shirt. Why hello, Ernie, where is Bert? But All of This passes over the head of Chantally Lace, who apparently married her high school boyfriend, with whom she was together for 10 years. She is just happy to be Out, period, whether with or without a muppet.
ABC, this is the closest to a Sacrificial Virgin you are going to get, on so many levels.

But *surprise* they are going zip lining down the volcano in the Longest Zipline In The World! Chantally Lace is glad because she is ready to "reconnect" with the Wombat. The Wombat, too, is hoping to "rejuvenate what was lost" and "get back to our old ways." From what, two weeks ago? Contributing to the whole Flashdance aspect of this particular scene, it starts to rain. As the soaking wet couple tandem ziplines together, Chantally Lace says "It's definately a different position, having my legs wrapped tightly around Brad. But we could get used to this." OMG.
And yet, the Wombat is excited for more: "I am going to take Chantal to a new setting where we can be more 'intimate.'" WE DO NOT WANT TO SEE THIS.

And yet, we cannot look away, as suddenly we are at dinner with the couple Down By the River. As the Wombat inquires as to whether they are eating The Local Cuisine (coconut), it starts to rain again. How fortunate that they could run offset and directly into a bedroom, where Chantally Lace could change into the Wombat's button down shirt and forget her pants. The Wombat is excited because this is now Just Like a Normal Date (and that Chantally Lace possibly looks "hotter than ever" without pants). Chantally Lace, for her part, is just happy to see the Wombat in his "cute comfies."

As Chantally Lace sits with one leg in the air (the Terror), she and the Wombat eat cheesecake. She confesses that she is "crazy about" the Wombat, and he confides that she "scared him" in Vegas with the weeping and drama. Oh, but no, babies: that was Not Drama, for it was Real. It came from a Place of Honesty. We do not care what place it came from, as we are deeply worried that we will in fact SEE that place if Chantally Lace does not start sitting like a lady.

She gets the rose.

Back at the house, Date Card #2 has arrived for the group date: "Love Springs Ahead." Jackie the Artist, Broke Back Michelle, Dolly Pemily, the Dentist, Shawntel of the Dead, and Skipper Barbie are all at bat. Alli Twin Towers is thrilled because this means she gets her 1:1 date at last. Broke Back Michelle is murderous because she Hates A Group Date.

And yet here we go to Pure Trek Canyoning, where we are all going to rapel into a waterfall in Inadequate Clothing. Broke Back Michelle is tired of being wet and cold. We are unsympathetic, as she ought to have gotten the memo by now that it RAINS in Costa Rica. Fortunately, the trekking company has supplied them all except Dolly Pemily with jackets (undoubtedly because they do not make a childrens' size). This is All About Adventure, babies, and Facing Fears. Though stressed about the group date atmosphere, the Wombat is excited to "see if these women are adventurous."

Blah blah the women are skreetchity. Shawntel of the Dead goes first, followed awkwardly by Skipper Barbie and Dolly Pemily, and then Jackie, who is terrified of heights. "Jackie might have soiled herself," says Skipper Barbie from directly below. Though the Skipper might want to watch for falling rocks, we also note that this is what the waterfall is for. Meanwhile, Broke Back Michelle is shooting Daggers of Death at the Wombat for rapelling with other women.

Gentle readers, BBM has been BETRAYED. She and the Wombat had a Pact never to rapel again without the other. And the Wombat has Broken That Pact.
Sayeth ABe: "Where was this Pact formed?"
Sayeth PMu: "At Warsaw."
And Broke Back has done what any party to an allegedly broken Pact has done: she starts beating the crap out of the Wombat. Oh but look, the Wombat has NOT broken the Pact (everyone call off your missiles. . . . oops.). No, gentle readers, he is going to rapel WITH Broke Back down the waterfall, after the rest have gone by themselves. Broke Back is somewhat mollified by this interpretation of their Pact, but the Wombat is rattled. Jackie, down below, is cheesed that the Wombat didn't rapel with her, as SHE was the one that was scared.

Suddenly, it is the evening and the women are stripping down into bikinis to the tune of Spanish guitar and tree frog. PMu advises that this is Swimwear, to be followed shortly by Evening Wear. If that is the case, we fear that Skipper Barbie is failing this particular part of the competition, as she is Buttless. So, this viewer once danced with a girl who was Utterly Buttless, in a concave sort of way. As we ran behind her pretending to be Flowers or Snowflakes or Sweets, we would stare where buttage was supposed to be and wonder how she wore pants. If junk were to be in her trunk, she would still be a Smart Car, babies. True story.

But we digress. Basically, this date is not going well. The Wombat pulls Jackie away for 1:1 time, and she wastes it being ungraceful about how he didn't rapel with her. Meanwhile, BBM has gone ape once again: "I'm not trying to be a bitch, but all of these girls need to go home." Yes yes, we are sick of you saying this Broke Back. Thank god for Dolly Pemily, who is becoming *slightly* less tinkly as she admits that she is starting to really like the Wombat . . . but sabotages every relationship. Never fear, however, for the Wombat doesn't "want. to see you sabotage. this. Ah. Won't. LET. you. sabotage.this." Oh, Wombat, we lift our eyes to you.

As Broke Back Michelle and the Wombat settle into the water for their 1:1 time, we hear the screams of Alli Twin Towers back at the house. Apparently, she is scared of bugs -- bugs that make a crunch when squished, precisely. We really cannot criticize Alli, as we will eat a marshmallow, but not if it is too melted, abhor an emulsion, and think whipped topping the plague (yet not ice cream, provided it isn't too melted. see, supra, marshmallow). The devil is in the details, babies. Details which Chantally Lace is not observing, as she chases Alli Twin Towers around the house with a big beetle on a piece of paper, eliciting the screams heard by the Wombat and Broke Back Michelle.

We secretly wonder if ABC didn't blindfold the women, turn them around ten times, and then lead them to their own backyard for this group date.

Anyway, Broke Back, per usual, has used her 1:1 time on the group date to go ApeShit Extreme. She debates whether she has "a connection" with the Wombat: "But do we? DO WE????" And complains that Brad "just wanted to have a sexy date with Chantal in Costa Rica. Do you know how hard it is to see her in your shirt???" No. more. wire. hangers. EVER!!!! The Wombat, at last looking beleaguered, tells BBM that she needs to let his decisions be his decisions." But ABe and this viewer's applause falters when the Wombat's edict is immediately followed by kissing. Boo hiss.

At least the Wombat does not hand out a rose on this date. But Broke Back will not be deterred: "If he can't make a decision, I'm going ot take matters into my own hands." eek.

Off we go on our date with Alli. "Meet me at the altar," said her date card. Oh shit, someone is going to die.

But Alli doesn't care, as she has put her Twin Towers on display in yet another bikini/tank top situation. We are sure she is thankful that the Wombat shows up for this date with two horses and two ponies, undoubtedly to carry each of her Girls. As the Wombat and Alli saunter into a field, the Wombat announces that they are going into a "cave. that is actually. 4. Million. Years. Old." This must be where ABC found Broke Back Michelle. "And Elvis," says ABe.

Alli and the Wombat walk directly into. . . batshit. Which inspires her to Make Like the Natives. As spiders scrabble and bats fly all over, Alli screetches and for one exciting moment, we think she might throw up. But no, the Wombat promises that "I'll protect you," so of course she feels safe . . until they get to a natural stairway inside the cave, called the "Alter," and the Wombat sacrifices her during their "picnic." Ok, not really, but we don't see much of this awkward moment.

Instead, we jump to yet another awkward moment: dinner on a lillypad. The Wombat is saddened because Alli has "all the qualities he is looking for in a wife" (substantial chest, brunette) and yet they are "making small talk." And also, my babies, she is writing her own goodbye. Apparently, Alli ended her last relationship because she just couldn't see him at her wedding. He was such a nice guy that she tried to make it work, but it just Was Not Working, and she eventually had to acknowledge that the relationship had fizzled out. "I'm going to repeat what you just said," starts the Wombat . .. . and he dumps her. The Wombat says he will walk her out, but we can't figure out how because they are surrounded by water.

At any rate, Alli cries in the limo about the Wombat having "set the bar high" for her next relationship (wtf.), and the Wombat stumbles home, drunk and "emotional" for not having given out a rose for the first time ever. KMu and ABe think that this is a perfect time for Jamie Green, or his Puerto Rican twin brother, "Jaime Verde," and we all secretly wonder where he is with his comforting words about staying true to the Mission, not kissing people the Wombat Doesn't Feel Like Kissing, and so forth. But Mr. Rico, Verde never shows up. Instead, we get . . . . Broke Back Michelle knocking on the Wombat's door.

"Hola," says she.

Ok, this is our thing (all of us). We watched as Dolly Pemily had the skinny french braid down the side of her head during the group date. And we watched as Jackie and maybe even Shawntel of the Dead did it as well. But here is Michelle, with the french braid tucked under her weave and we are Sick. Of. It.
"Michelle is a hairstylist," says KMu. "And that makes it a crime against nature."
Yet in a hard edit, Michelle and french braid have suddenly flown from outside the door to inside, on the sofa, making out with the Wombat. As she comes up for air, she says, for the 11th time, that the Wombat would be "making a huge mistake to keep Chantal" and that he made Michelle mad by not giving her the rose on the group date. She rattles of the list of people the Wombat should kick off, in order: Skipper Barbie, Jackie, Shawntel of the Dead, Chantally Lace, Dolly Pemily, and the Dentist, finally leaving Broke Back in the end. The Wombat is annoyed, as are we, and we are all glad when she leaves again. We will say one thing for BBM: she doesn't hover.

And the rose ceremony is upon us. Chantally Lace dressed herself up like a cheetah girl for this one, and Dolly Pemily decided to go back to her hippie stripper roots with some sort of paisley contraption on top of teetery heels. Yet is is Broke Back, who once again, has traumatized us all. Gentle readers, she is wearing a backpack. "You know, the kind that is a sack tied with a string on top," says KMu. And it is so true. She has tucked herself into said backpack so that only her head is popping out above the twine. Like a Gremlin.

In 1:1 time with the Wombat, he tells her that (like ourselves), she has "scared .him. badly." He feels that in her little visit the night before, they "took. ten. steps. back." and admonishes her again to trust his decisions. Yay, wombat!!! And now it is Broke Back's turn to be "scared" because she wants to "be married and have more children." There is wailing and gnashing of teeth. Yet when she returns to the other women, Broke Back says of her 1:1 time:
"It went good."
KMu: "With him and I."
ABe: "Him and I had a good conversation."
RAGE.

Blah blah, in additional 1:1 time with Shawntel of the Dead, they play the "Silent Game" which we all know the Wombat is going to win and that Shawntel just wants to use to kiss him -- which she does, badly. Chantally Lace then uses her 1:1 time to confess her undying love, to which the Wombat offers the Best Response Ever: "What makes you say that, if you don't mind."
Says PMu, "My daddy withheld love from me."

Meanwhile, the women have figured out the Broke Back snuck out to see the Bachelor the night before. She had initially lied about it, but then confesses it all: "That's why I came here. I'm not apologizing. I am keepin' it real." Oh, Broke Back.

And he picks (to join Chantally Lace, the only one with a rose so far):
1. The Dentist
2. Dolly Pemily
3. Skipper Barbie
4. Shawntel of the Dead, and
5. Broke Back.

WHAT? Jackie the artist goes home. She handles it relatively well, despite the obligatory "why doesn't anyone ever like me" speech. We all knew her days were numbered.

Stay tuned for next week, when the Wombat takes the remaining ladies to Anguilla, Chantally Lace lives up to her name in a crocheted bikini, and Broke Back Michelle takes up the discus with her earrings.

-KLo

Wombat Part 5: The Mission

2011-02-01T01:32:00.000-08:00

Are. You. Ready. To. RUMMMBBBLLLEEE????? We sincerely hope so, as there are 11 women left and they are going to LAS VEGAS!!!! Chris Harrison, in a much more reasonable button-down than previously worn by him this season, starts Wombat part 5 with an announcement that "things are about to get serious." Because that is what happens in Vegas. And also, this a Very. Special. Episode because there are 3 dates: one 1:1 date, 1 group date, and . . . the dreaded 2:1 date, where one woman gets the axe halfway through. Yeeeeessss.

And this, babies, is the most animated we have ever seen the Wombat. He "Cant. TELL. you. how. much. he loves. this. city." He "wants. these. women. to feel. the ENERGY. of. the. city." So basically, he wants them to feel naked and slightly vomitous from all things "foot long."

Suddenly, we have arrived at REI. wtf, we are asking ourselves, and also "are they going climbing?" when the Wombat clarifies that he is actually at ARia, the Most Beautiful Hotel In The Entire World. hm. He is excited to spend a week in Vegas to try to figure out his relationships." Excellent idea, Bradley, as Vegas is the perfect place for building healthy relationships. And also, a WEEK? This viewer once spent five days in Vegas, the final day nursing her travel buddy back from the death of a poisonous sunburn four eight hours in the Cheesecake Factory. Never. Again.

So the Wombat drops the first date card off in the suite shared by the *ladies*, and Broke Back Michelle pounces on it. We do not understand her tank top, as it is exactly like the shredded muscle tanks "worn" by beefheads at the gym which may or may not have armholes cut down to the waist and a serious case of nipplegate peeping through the front. And also, it has a motorcycle on it, which we know she can't drive. And she reads: "Let's end tonight with a bang." Oooo, the card is for Shawntel of the Dead!!!
"No matter what happens tonight, it's going to end with a bang," concludes S of the D. Gentle readers, that is what one might call Not Playing Hard To Get.

So the Wombat is in a tizzy waiting for this date to begin. "VEGAS! I can't WAIT to be here!!" (Um, wombat, you ARE here). Fortunately, he does not need to wait to Bring Out the Dead, as Shawntel shows up . . . in microshorts and a sweatshirt. Babies, the Wombat is taking this woman to THE MALL for their date. And she is "overwhelmed" because she is from a "small town in Texas" and has never heard of some of the names on the stores. And (wait for it) . . . their date is a "shopping spree, in which she can buy anything she want."
Across the miles, we hear viewer KHuSco let out a strangled scream of excitement, as the Wombat concludes that this is "every woman's dream."

This may be the dream of KHuSco and Shawntel of the Dead, but it is Not. This. Woman's. Dream. This viewer recently spent an entire Saturday huddled in the corner of the outlet mall dressing room trying on Very Large Pants while feverishly whispering that the mirrors make objects look closer than they seem. To the floor in some cases, and to our knees in others. And while breathing is not to be underestimated, we are Deeply Scarred by the aging process and all Fat Pants associated therewith. So enjoy it, Shawntel of the Dead, because shopping won't be as fun as you head into your elastic waistband years.

But Shawntel of the Dead is in Bliss, and feels "all natural being in the mall holding his hand." We secretly wonder if Shawntel's mom is reading a book at the food court, passing time until she can chauffeur her home at 9. Shawntel tries on, alternatively, a bunch of garbage bags sewn together and a black skintight mini which we hate. "ooo, this is classy," concludes the Wombat. In the end, he sends SoftheD back to the hotel like a pack mule, carrying all of her various packages. The Nanny sighs that "it's the perfect pretty woman moment that every woman dreams about." Yes, Nanny, is that right after we dream of being a hooker?

But the date is Not Over! In round 2, the Wombat returns to pick up Shawntel of the Dead in her new dress. GAH, it is the one that we hate (all of us), as it looks like she pulled a sweatshirt over her head but left her arms in it. And also, it has a criss-cross back and straight front. It is an All Bras Left Behind dress. How fortunate for the Wombat that he has something to look at, as Shawntel of the Dead is looking forward to a romantic date, where she can "talk to him about being a funeral director and embalmer."

Babies, the goal is to make only one incision because otherwise there is LEAKAGE.

Naturally, Shawntel of the Dead gets the rose, and they end the evening being terrifyingly close to the falling debris of giant fireworks, as he awkwardly stands, holding her in his arms like she broke her leg.

Finally, Date Card #2 has arrived. "Let's go Speed Dating" it reads (aka, "hi, my name is Gina"). This card is for Jackie the Artist, Dolly Pemily, Lisa (who is this person?), Marissa (ditto), Alli Twin Towers, Chantally Lace, Skipper Barbie, and Broke Back Michelle.

Shocker, this date is at the Nascar Race Track, where the women are going to race cars. So once upon a time, this viewer went to a Nascar race, which was Completely Awesome. Except that the wristband person asked my friend GBe if he wanted a wristband for me in addition to his 11 year old child. And though we were well-preserved (as this was pre-lawschool and therefore before the Ravages of Time and all Fat Pants associated therewith), we have Mixed Feelings about qualifying for a childrens' wristband at the age of 26. But we digress.

This date is pretty much as expected. Dolly Pemily has a big crisis, in a quiet, vague sort of way, because this is the Race Track that ended Ricky's racing career (at age 19????) and made him go into management. Blah blah she ends up getting in the car and doing "the first few laps for Ricky, and the last lap for me" because she is ready to "move on," but we are unconvinced, particularly as she continues to wear his engagement ring (we think). And, at the obligatory end-of-group-date pool party, the other women are all crying about how they feel they have been voyeuristically watching a date between Dolly Pemily and the Wombat. Even Chantally Lace is a mess, admitting that she "loves him" for being all considerate and spending so much time with the Dolly, but crying to let him send her home if he isn't going to pick her in the end. FEH.

After Broke Back Michelle makes a play for the rose, leading the Wombat to conclude that they have a "true connection," he gives the rose to Dolly Pemily on this date.

At last, we are at the 2:1 date, with "the Ashleys" (Nanny and Dentist). "Come swing with the King" reads the date card. Oh lord, so now ABC is into the sex games. At least that is the Dentist's conclusion, as she trots out in a bondage dress of criss-crossy black. But oooooo, they are going to the Cirque du Soliel "Viva Elvis" show, where they will learn choreography!!! Poor Nanny, she is "fighting inner demons" and worried that she will ruin things between she and Brad. We secretly think it is more likely that her crazy high heels will ruin things, as they give her cankles, but whatever. Mercifully, both she and the Dentist change for their dance rehearsal, which ultimately ends in everyone swinging around in the air by harnesses, learning a dance to "Are you Lonesome Tonight." Foreshadowing??

Aaaaand, right before dinner, the Wombat "follows his heart" and picks . . . . THE DENTIST. wtf. The Nanny is going home without supper! We knew she was going to get voted off the island because of the cankle situation, as well as being terrible in the dance rehearsals. But, we still feel bad for her as the Wombat walks her through an incredibly long lobby that is suddenly filled with people as she is trying not to cry.. . which lasts until she is in the taxi going home, wailing in her itty bitty voice about how she doesn't have any fight in her and has never found anyone who wants her. Baby girl, you are 26 years old. Stop talking in the pitch of a four year old and you will stand a better chance.

The Wombat returns to embrace the Dentist, now "here with my girl, having a great time." We think they have fun eating dinner and then performing, but we really don't care anymore.

Then suddenly, Brad is wandering around with a phone in his hand, and we know that It. Is. Time. (you know what time it is)!! Time for another Therapy Moment with Jamie Green!!
"Remember the big picture, your focus is to find your wife. So your loyalty is not to any of the girls, it's TO THE MISSION." And also "If you don't allow these feelings for each woman to co-exist within you, you will shut down. There is tremendous strength in being vulnerable."

That's right, babies. Stay true to your mission to find a wife, and don't let girls get in the way. This message is brought to you by Jamie Green (tm).

Por Fin, it is the rose ceremony. Except MERCIFUL GOD, what is Chantally Lace wearing? It is like black mesh on top of a white bunny suit, with the remnants of a black bustier carved up and sewn randomly in the shape of a smiley face over her jubblies. We wonder if Zoro got to her first and she tried to patch the damage with toilet paper. Or perhaps Broke Back Michelle, all zebra-fied tonight and with the sharp talons.

We suffer through a few more 1:1s, including a warning to Chantally Lace to stop giving the Wombat "so much crap," the Wombat making Alli Twin Towers feel "special" for bringing her a chocolate cake with green trim ("Because you were wearing green the first time I met you, and I *cough*ABC*cough remember everything about you), and Marissa, whom we don't know, announcing that she is a big Note Giver, and giving him a series of notes to read at his leisure. Oh dear, Unknown Marissa, this will only End Badly.

Naturally, Broke Back Michelle whisks the Wombat away to another room where she sits on him and orders him not to talk. We hope he remembers his Safe Word. She says, "bitch, you need someone who can take care of you. Some of these girls don't even known what they have. I am different from all these other girls. Send them home." We must report that this is all said between creepy kisses which we may or may not have watched through our afghan.

And to join Shawntel of the Dead, Dolly Pemily, and the Dentist with Roses this evening, he picks:
1. Broke Back Michelle
2. Alli Twin Towers (wtf?)
3. Skipper Barbie
4. Jackie the artist; and
5. Chantally Lace!!! YAY!!!

Marissa and the other unknown, Lisa, are going home. Lisa cries because she now "questions everything" and we think Marissa mostly feels like a moron for writing him notes. Marissa apparently did not have a family like this viewers, who repeatedly suggested that maybe it's not so good to put things in writing (see how well we learned).

Broke Back Michelle looks positively haggard in the Toast to Survivors following the ceremony. We hope she gets voted off in Costa Rica, where they apparently go next, or perhaps gets eaten by the Lion King when they visit him in East Africa.

-KLo

Wombat Part 4: It's a Moral Issue

2011-01-25T01:15:00.000-08:00

As the sun rises over an aquaduct -- oh wait, that is the backside of the ladies' manse -- we discover that Broke Back Michelle has a black eye. Since the first rule of Bachelorette Fight Club is that you don't talk about Bachelorette Fight Club, we realize that we will never know the True Cause of said black eye (though we secretly hope that it is Chris Harrison). Anyhow, BBM *claims* she doesn't know the cause and says she "just woke up this way." We *try* to believe this excuse, and are secretly glad when Chris Harrison interrupts to explain how dates will work this week. Except that he is wearing a red and white plaid shirt and the buttony half of a gray womens' twinset. WTF, Chris Harrison.

So Chris explains that there will be three dates -- two 1:1 dates and 1 group date. We know that everyone will get a rose on these dates because Brad Wombat is a weanie tot, but The Harrison still explains that if you don't get one, you will be going home. He also provides the first card: "How Deep Is Our Love?" to Chantal. She is wigged with excitement. We are just glad that it's for her, and not for one of the 10 or so other women, sitting around the room, who we still can't name on sight. Broke Back is pissed, and the Nanny says she wishes she was the one to give Broke Back the black eye (secretly, to the camera).

So Bradley picks up Chantal in a helicopter, which she thinks is cool and surprising even though it is the primary mode of transportation for all of the Bachelor's Greenest dates. She is also stressed, as she was with her high school sweetheart 10 years, and still does not know how to date. Ok, so this viewer did not have a high school sweatheart. But if we did, our most likely candidate would have been the One Boy Not Terrified to Ask Us Out (but whom we still turned down), or alternatively, one of the several boys who informed this viewer that they didn't care which sister in our family that they dated, as long as they got to date one. Yes, babies, Romance Is Still Alive in the midwest. Either way, it would have ended badly, especially after 10 years, so we can understand Chantal's predicament.

As the Wombat and Chantal fly over yachts in the bay, we wonder how Chantal came to wear a matching leather jacket to the Wombat's (though his has a side zip. seriously.). And finally, we are at destination #2: they are going to Walk on the Sea Floor!!! Except crisis: Chantal has a fear of Deep Water. Her biggest worry is that she is "going to go down and not back up."
Let's just sit with that statement for a moment.

They suit up, complete with Outbreak breathing helmets, and take the plunge. "So I get in the water. I don't know how I do it, but I get in the water," says Chantal. We worry that 1) our favorite contestant is even more vapid than we anticipated, and 2) she really doesn't know how she got in the water. But whether she was pushed in or remembered that she had legs, Chantal and Brad are soon looking for diseased monkeys in the bottom of the ocean and tipping their big giant heads towards each other for a helmet kiss.

And then: oh look, he pitched TWO tents for her! Suddenly, the Wombat and Chantal, now in a LACE t-shirt top (wtf), are at a tent city outside of L.A., laying on a futon bed with torches all around. Having set up one too many beach receptions at one point in our life, we are a bit terrified at the prospect of fire + billowy material. But ABe is annoyed, as the Wombat has suddenly seized this reclining moment to Get Serious:
Wombat: "Do you want to get married again?"
Chantally Lace: "Yes. I want a Union. A person to come home to."
PMu: "I prefer a confederacy."
After they both swear they are Ready To Love Again (for different reasons), it begins to softly rain (oh!). KMu, channeling Chris Harrison, announces that "should you like to forgo your individual tents, you may spend the night in the Fantasy Tent." Chantally Lace gets the rose, and they share an awkward futony kiss before taking KMu's helpful suggestion. We are lead to believe that they spend the night, as The Wombat also announces that she doesn't need to leave, and then later, that "her and I" had a great time. RAGE. Chantally Lace, agreeing, says that "It was a make it or break it night. And it turned out to be Make It." So to speak.

Meanwhile, back at the house, date card #2 has come: "Let's put our Hearts On the Line." Blech. And it is for a bunch of the Unknown Extras: the Nanny, Stacy the Bartender, Lindsay, Alli Twin Towers, Jackie the Artist, Meghan, Britt and the Dentist. Broke Back, with a popsickle on her eye, says that "there's a really good chance that if Brad doesn't give me the other 1:1, he will get his own black eye." We are so tired of her we wish she would just go home. As she cries to the Nanny about how Hard It Is to be her, the Nanny is like, "dude, it's just going to get tougher, so man up." But Broke Back is unconsolable, declaring that Chantally Lace is "loud and hard," "very headstrong," and that if she doesn't go home tonight, there will be problems. As BBM has just described herself, we take a pass.

The alcohol is already flowing for breakfast as the girls get ready for date #2: going to LoveLine with Dr. Drew and That Other Guy! We secretly know that Dr. Drew is like "oh my god, how did I end up on this show," as Brad tells him that his Biggest Concern is that he is not compatible with the women, so can Dr. Drew help him figure it out. Says Stacy the Bartender: "I think I'm one of the only people who knows how reputable Dr. Drew is." Yes sweetheart, he is so reputable that he is now endorsing your drinking of the beer at 10 in the morning, after belinis for breakfast, and while he simultaneously moonlights as an addiction specialist in another show.

Anyway, as this is the most talk-intensive episode of the Bachelor ever, we are now getting tired of keeping up. Let's see: amidst painful and extended awkward silences on air, Stacy confesses to have cheated once in college. Britt, looking like Skipper Barbie, breathlessly admits that she is so busy trying to make a good impression that she is worried he doesn't know who she is. While amidst still more painful and awkward silences in the hottub later that evening: the Dentist is all jealous/spazzy to the Wombat, Alli Twin Towers gets 1:1 time only to have the Wombat instantly stolen by the Nanny -- who wants to HUG IT OUT with her, and KMu feels the burning rage that the Wombat apparently has no ability to manage his time or the people vying for it. You know, the usual.

Date Card #3, interrupting this Painful Hot Tub Interlude, is a welcome relief, even if it is for Broke Back Michelle. "Let's Hang Out Together," it says. Chantally Lace, rising to the Awesome we know she is, freaks Broke Back out by wondering aloud why it's the only card that does not mention the word "love."

Alas, we are ripped back from this respite to shrivel in the hot tub a few hours longer with the group date. Jackie the Artist has concluded that group dating with the Dentist is exhausting, as Stacy the bartender and the Dentist snit at each other and then the Dentist throws a tantrum at Brad when he looks like he's going to give her the rose . . . causing him to switch plans and give it to Britt/Skipper Barbie, who had Only Moments Earlier told him she has a big crush. As she is also buttless, we are unimpressed.

Finally, it is date #3 with Broke Back Michelle. Except that it's not, because the Dentist is crying at breakfast about how she feels "emotionally unstable" and wouldn't want to "be with me either right now." Broke Back, unmoved, does her nails at the kitchen table and then becomes a ball of fury when the Wombat comes to pick her up . . . only to request some time with the Dentist beforehand. Thirty minutes of "PuhLEEZ. open. up. Ash.LAY." and "AH. Need. You. to. Trust. This. Process. and to trust. me" from Brad, the Dentist is mollified but Broke Back is even more furious.

Waiting in the living room with the other women, Broke Back rages against the 30 minutes of precious time wasted by the Dentist's unresolved issues from the Group Date. And once again, Chantally Lace earns her stripes:
CL: "Dudette, back off. You took a bunch of time on our group date, when you walked off and refused to do your scene."
*All other women*: GASP.
BBM: (insert terrifying smile): "But that was a MORAL isue (sidebar: she was opposed to giving blood? To acting in PSA's about giving blood?). I was genuinely going to leave. Then Brad followed me and we talked. That was *completely different* than what is happening with the Dentist."
The remaining women are silent and frozen creatures, terrified that Broke Back is going to Cut Chantilly Lace like this viewer's neighbor Dennis.

At last, the Wombat returns, only to be forcibly removed from the room by Broke Back Michelle. As they drive away, the Wombat explains how he HAD to talk to the Dentist, and Broke Back is all understanding in her Carrie Bradshaw necklace. We are pretty sure said necklace says: "Michelle" and then it itty letters underneath "Iwillcutyoubitchdon'tthinkIwon't." We hope Broke Back chokes on her hair.

Initially, BBM is excited to learn that she is going to the Wombat's cave to hang out for the day. Then, as a helicopter flies overhead, she informs the Wombat "I'm going to kill you." No seriously, she is. But as they fly into downtown LA, we secretly wonder if he isn't going to Finish Her Off first. Babies, they are going to repel down the side of a condiminium. She pretends to be freaking out, and we worry that this whole experience will bring them closer, a la Le Sausage and El Piloto. Says he: "If and when we hit the ground . . . floor . . . we will be a lot closer." Says she, "Oh yes, it is a Leap of Love." vomit.

As they begin their journey down the front of the building, we are more interested at looking inside the glass at what the condos look like. We also wonder who opened their blinds this morning to find a birdseye view of Broke Back's crotch, and whether that person is now in therapy with Jamie Green.

BBM and the Wombat reach safety and share an awkward hug before instantly jumping into the pool in their clothing. So, this viewer has weathered enough Lost Swimmer Drills that we know it is unfun to jump into the water fully clothed. And also, we do not understand how BBM is going to be able to magically peel all those skin tight layers to become dry in the very next screen shot. But, there she is -- even with dry hair -- and lounging on a bed by the pool while talking about her daughter "bree-elle." KMU thinks that sounds like a cleaning product and we secretly agree. But the Wombat is dazzled:
"You are a mature woman," he concludes.
Oh Wombat, you have NO idea. We feel confident that Broke Back is going to "have another birthday" any day. Naturally, Brad "feels confident and strong" in what he has with Broke Back, that he could see himself raising her kid (well, at least that will make one parent), and having more children with Broke Back. Oh dear. She gets the rose.

Back at the ranch, Stacy the Bartender and Chantally Lace conclude that Broke Back is one Crazy Lady with the twitching and the bulging eyeballs every time something goes amiss. Chantally Lace concludes that Broke Back will "blow herself out eventually," and we love her the more for it.

And the rose ceremony is upon us, but not before a little Therapy Moment with Jamie Green:
Problem: You see, babies, the Wombat is suffering under what we call Peer Pressure to kiss the ladies. When he is "dating a woman, I like to take it slow. I mean, just kissing now, but you know, I am going to do that with one woman, and then turn around and do it with another."
Solution: Oh Brad! The Good News is that you've learned to be "aware of you." But "You've got to knock it off. Just kiss a woman when it feels right to do so."

That's right, babies. Don't kiss a person unless you feel it is right. This message is brought to you by Jamie Green, former '80s rock star and british person (and therefore smarter and wiser than the rest of us).

So the rose ceremony. We are reminded of the existence of Shawntel of the Dead and Dolly Pemily, whom we have not seen at all this episode except in relation to consoling Broke Back Michelle when she declares she will DIE if she doesn't get a rose. Our appreciation for S of the D is diminished, when she decides it would be "cute" for the Wombat to pick her up on the count of three, just to relive their group date fighting asians. On the other hand, Dolly Pemily is all her tinkly best in a royal blue bandaid and stripper heels. The Wombat has packed a special romantic basket for her, erupting jealousy in the fake chests of the other women. But we are wondering how he will pull this off, as he puts a blanket on the concrete and then asks Dolly Pemily to sit on it WITHOUT showing the world where her daughter came from. After an awkward 2 minute conversation and one sip of champagne, the Wombat hauls Dolly Pemily up off the blanket and pushes her back inside.

Let's see . . .Meghan also gets some 1:1 time, but we don't really care because we know she will be getting the axe, so Not Brad's Type is she. Broke Back Michelle has chosen to wear her hair in a side barret like a four year old. This is not a good look for her. And Chantally Lace has burst into tears at the sight of the basket for Dolly Pemily and another bachelorette's dark musings that it is a "reassurance of Brad's love," for now Chantally Lace feels Cheap. But in 1:1 time with Brad, he asks that she: "Feel confident. in. the. fact. that I am. so wild. ly. attracted. to the fact. that you are. everything I have. not . been. with. in the past." You know, "independant, not needy . . . " LORD. Thank God the Nanny is here to save us in her off-one-shoulder pink satin monstrosity.

And he picks (to join Chantally Lace, Skipper Barbie, and Broke Back):
1. The Nanny
2. Dolly Pemily
3. Shawntel of the Dead
4. Lisa (WHO IS THIS?!??!)
5. Jackie the Artist
7. Marissa (again, who???)
8. the Dentist.

Meghan, whose lack of air time has not stopped her from wearing a toga, runs off like she's got to take a dump. Lindsay, whom we also don't know, is sad. And we feel bad for Stacy the Bartender, who both earned her stripes by commenting on Broke Back's bulging eyeballs and also confessed to cheating in college, only to get the axe.

Stay tuned for next week, when the *ladies* go to Las Vegas.

KLo

Wombat Part 3: Scared Straight

2011-01-18T02:19:00.000-08:00

We settle down for the evening -- I with my pen, KMu with her wrap, and ABe with Chubby Hubby all snug in her lap. Bring It On, ABC, for We Are Ready. Displaying sense far wiser than her 27 days, our youngest member of the BNU staff, baby EMu, promptly wets herself and starts screaming with the opening credits. It's okay, baby EMu, this is your body's natural response to trauma.

With no ado, Wombat Part 3 begins with the first date card being deposited in the lap of The Nanny (one of the many Ashleys): "Let's find our Love Song." Crimey. The Nanny is excited: "Ih'm a gonna mahke sure ah get a kihuss!" says she. We secretly wonder if she can pucker with all those marbles in her mouth. Broke Back Michelle is wondering the same thing. NONE of these "girls" are right for the Wombat, BBM concludes. Not the puffy one (who IS that on the because daaamn), not any of the Shawn/Chantals, and not, under no uncertain terms, the Nanny.

Anyway, Brad roars up in his fancity car and asks the ladies "hey. ever.y.body. how. are. you?" before whisking the Nanny to Studio A to record a song. "Mah accent is reahhly chahrming, buht my singing voice is reahhly bahd," warns the Nanny. Color us shocked. But we are more interested in the Nanny's outfit, which appears to be a billowy raceback tank, skinny jeans, and high heels. As "billowy" and "racerback" have no business being conjoined on the back of anyone but Sharon Stone, we are skeptical.

Anyway, the Wombat has selected "Kiss from a Rose" by Seal. "BABY, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray. OOOOOOH, the more I get of you the stranger it feels, YEAH." The Nanny is all choked up because she and her dad used to sing this song together before he died. The sound guy, on the other hand, has fortified himself with an "okay, here we go," and a brandy hidden under the table. . . . and is now pissing himself, a la EMu, at the sound stylings of Wombat & the Nanny.

Fortunately for all of us, the Wombat concludes that The Nanny has "been through enough" now (like what, her 12th birthday?), and so he wants to "show her something." Naturally, that something is Seal, in the flesh, properly singing his song. The Nanny is thrilled, "it's lihke mah dad orchestrated this fruhm abohve." We are also secretly thrilled, as we always loved Seal, even though EFri played this very song incessantly in our dormroom during college.

But here is our thing. It is MLK Day today, and the only nod to racial/ethnic/cultural diversity on this show is SEAL and a few women who we know are of an origin to require regular waxing. WTF.

And also, why is The Nanny wearing a Swatch? We almost thought it was a tennis-playing-wrist-sweat-blocker, so large is this thing on her arm. But no, we get a nice long look when Brad attempts to break The Nanny's elbow by squeezing it straight and what we see is . . . the biggest shiney plastic bracelet ever, with a teensy little watch in the middle. Girrrrl, when this viewer was in 6th grade, we INVENTED the Swatch, Mennonite-style. Our version was the tube top of an old aquamarine sock, cut off and worn under a gold watch. We were Awesome and Hot in the 6th grade.

Anyway, off we go to the roof, where Bradley has set up "an. incred. ibly. nice. dinner." He has concluded that The Nanny is "great. but. there are. still. some things. about her. as. a woman. that. I . would. like to know." We also have some questions, as a woman. Chief among them are how she can wear said billowy, racerback tank without her girls playing parachute with the front.

Alas, we shall never know, as this is the moment for an In Depth Conversation regarding The Nanny's dad and his untimely death. "I am so sorry, let me have sex with you and make you feel better," says the Wombat. Okay, so that last part was added by ABe, but we feel certain he meant it. Naturally, the Nanny gets a rose on this date.

Back at the house, date card #2 has arrived: "Love Hurts." Oh dear. This card is for Shawntel of the Dead, Broke Back Michelle, the Dentist, Twin Towers Alli, Chantal, and a bunch of other women who we STILL don't know: Lindsay, Britt, Kimberley, Sarah, Lisa, Stacey, and Marissa. We secretly wonder if these people are actually Extras, and will all be killed off by the end of the episode. We wonder how we could get that gig, but Broke Back has no such questions. Though she is going on this date, she has still found something with which to be upset: "What really hurts is being on a group date with all these other women. " Of course it does, BBM.

The women, in skin-tight athletic gear, pile into a black Amish Hauling Van to head to their secret date destination. We wonder who sent the memo that neon green and yellow are "in" this year, as we thought Communication With The Outside was forbidden. However, we admit that there is a certain amount of logic in the neons: If you blind someone with your top, that person is less likely to see the backfat lurking beneath the surface.

So the Amish Van-O-Neon pulls up at a movie set, where the women freak out when Brad's introduction is interrupted by a choreographed fight scene in which he beats the crap out of six tattooed Asian thugs with a broomstick. In slow motion. That's right, babies: they are going to Film an Action Adventure, with director Stephen Ho. The plot? The women must fight their way through Asian evilness to rescue the Wombat, who has been taken captive. Oh wait, maybe THIS is what Dr. King meant about teaching tolerance.

As the women kick, stretch, and kick their way through fight sequences, Alli Twin Towers worries about pit stains in her complicated leotardy top and Sara whispers that the Wombat is "like, really good at this." Please, for the love of all that is holy, let's not have another Bachelor playing himself on soap operas for the next year just because he has the "acting bug." BMM saunters into her scene, unconvincingly kicks a few Asians, and saunters back out. Meh.

But Shawntel of the Dead is Taking No Prisoners. She beats up the Asian. Then the other Asian. She finds Brad (now tied up to a pole, hhahahha), rips the tape off his mouth, stares longingly at him, and then whispers: "You must pay the rent." Okay not really, but they do kiss. And before we know it, the Wombat is carrying her of an abandoned warehouse-- he shirtless, and she in high heels, a black turtleneck, and leopard print tights, having apparently FORGOTTEN HER BOTTOMS.

Broke Back Michelle is horrified by this display. She wants to drop kick Shawntel of the Dead, and to share a "sexy, slippery, sensual" kiss with the Wombat. So, for a period of time, this viewer was obsessed with Jujy Fruits. Until we realized, upon further reflection, that they are Not A Date Food, and that eating them increased the likelihood that one would accidentally "slip her date a Jujy," released from the archives of our molars, during an unanticipated kiss. And that, my babies, is called Growth.

But we digress. Back at the group date, the Wombat takes the women to Solair, a bar of heat lamps. You know, just because the date would not be complete without Big Foot's carbon footprint on the thing. Brad is happy, as "today was great. I had a chance to be physically active with all the ladies." Ew. He is also apparently ready for round 2, as everyone jumps in the pool. "Ah yes, the chicken fight mating ritual," says KMu, sagely.

Soon, we are in 1:1 time. Chantal (we think) is weeping on the Wombat's shoulder about her worst mistake in life. We thought this was getting married to the person she has since divorced, but no. It was, in fact, not tracing down her real father, who abandoned her, before his death in February. Okay, this is like girl #30 with daddy issues. AND ALSO, from the tracking-down-of-real-dad process, Chantal has realized her biggest mistake: Living For Tomorrow, Instead of Today. We don't know what to say, except that Chantal just dropped a few notches in our eyes for answering a question la Miss America. But the Wombat doesn't care, as they apparently have Extreme Chemistry.

Shawntel of the Dead, however, is rising in our estimation. She concludes that she had a great time with the Wombat, but that "now a pack of hyenas is after him." One such hyena being Twin Towers Alli, who tells Brad during 1:1 time that she she was a swimmer through age 15. "Congratulations, you were competitive through middle school," says KMu.

Never fear, for Broke Back Michelle is hot in pursuit, staring forelornly through the glass doors as Twin Towers Alli and Brad talk indoors before finally coming inside to stand 10 feet away from them and drum her fingernails. This woman is batshit, but successful: the Wombat quickly excuses himself from Twin Towers Alli and goes to talk with Broke Back.

Oh, BMM wants Brad to know that "there is so much to me, as a mother!" Oh, she worries that she is "not doing the right thing" and neglecting her only child for television. Oh!, she wants to "pursue the potential" for an important relationship with him. We vomit in our mouths as the Wombat buys it hook, line, and sinker, swears Broke Back is not neglecting her child, and comforts her. Says BMM later on, she can't wait to be in Tahiti, practicing making babies with Brad. We have no words.

Aaaaan, the rose goes to Shawntel of the Dead on this date. YAY.

Back at home, date card #3 has come for Dolly Pemily: "Love is Intoxicating." YES. DRUNK DATE!!!! But Dolly Pemily is nervous. She doesn't know if she can tell the story of her fiancee dying to the Bachelor, so she tells it once (you know, just for practice) to the other girls left at home from the group date. The puffy faced girl is crying, Fangs is crying, everybody is crying except The Nanny. Dolly Pemily, says one woman, is a "barbie doll with the soul of mother theresa." Yes, and this viewer is a nutcracker with the soul of an old cat.

The Wombat comes to pick Dolly Pemily up for her date, and ABe is horrified by every aspect of her wardrobe: a shorts romper, a sleeveless sweater that is long in front and itty in the back, and stripper heels. Dolly Pemily has to hold onto the door frame to get down the 2 steps into the sunken living room with the Wombat arrives. But he doesn't notice, asn he has been "looking. forward. to this. date. for. ever." And what better way to get there than. .. . . a PLANE!!! Dolly Pemily looks terrified, in a gracious way, as the Wombat presents her with their mode of transportation. We feel bad for her emotionally, but also secretly feel that she got her just desserts for wearing Those Shoes as she teeters up the loading dock.

As Dolly Pemily and Brad drink wine and eat sausage (hee hee) under a mountain of blankets at Contoria Vineyard, we wonder if ABC has decided to freeze them to death. But soon we don't care, as Dolly Pemily threatens to tip the scales of insipidity further than they have Ever Been Tipped Before:
Wombat: "Tell me about you."
Dolly Pemily: "Um, I mean, I don't know. I'm just like everybody. When I'm tired, I get grumpy. So, um, the same things as everyone else."
Wombat: "Uh, okay. So . . . what has been your best date?"
Dolly Pemily: "Oh, something with your best friend, being silly, being yourself. That would be my best date."
As KMu points out, this likely passed for a Deep and Meaningful Conversation when last Dolly Pemily dated, at AGE 15. But this is going No Where Good, and we even feel bad for the Wombat, who is sincerely trying.

The Wombat decides to take a new approach: bringing Dolly Pemily to a giant barn, strewn with candles on top of straw, in the dead of night. Obviously, no one responsible for this show grew up in the Midwest. ABe sings: "Late last night, while we were all in bed. Mrs. O'Leary put a lantern in the shed. And when the cow kicked it over, she winked her eye and said: There'll be a hot time, in the old town, tonight!" Seriously people, this rivals that animated movie that came out a few years ago in which all the cows were male.

But whether it is the terror of being charbroiled or the wine (which she is now downing with amazing speed), but Dolly Pemily finally spits out her story and tells Brad about her daughter. The Wombat is pleased: "It seems like 100 lbs were lifted off her shoulders," says he. Yes, leaving only skeletons left in her closet, as Dolly Pemily does not have 100 lbs to lift. As they chat more comfortably, the Wombat gives Dolly Pemily the rose and they kiss. Blech.

Now that the dates are over, the Wombat is in a self-reflective mood. Thank goodness that Jamie Green, a british man who is Brad's "therapist whil he's in L.A." happens to be in town. Babies, Jamie comes for a therapy session and ABC FILMS IT. We do not know what level of HIPAA compliance had to be achieved for this to be okay on any planet, but we know two things: 1) Jamie Green is not a real therapist because he spends all the time talking about his own thoughts and opinions, and 2) we concur with ABe that we could write an entire blog on the wrongness of this moment.

Uncle Jamie feels it's important for Brad to "bring back the playfullness" in his life, and tells Brad all about how he sees Brad progressing in life. We feel dirty. But the Wombat is inspired: "I'm going to use this cocktail party to really talk to the ladies." Good idea, Brad, alcohol always helps one get to know someone more intimately, so to speak.

At last, the cocktail party of which Brad speaks is upon us. The Dentist is freaked out because "women" are starting to feel a little bit of jealousy, etc. And also, she is wearing a lace one-piece mini-dress like it was 1989. But Jackie the Artist, with a vagina on her shoulder, puts the Dentist's miniskirt to shame. Yes, Jackie, why bother with the lace when you can Air It Out for All to See. We Cannot Look Away from Jackie's dress. . . .

At least until Brad shows up and starts his 1:1 rounds. Twin Towers Alli, with a big bow on her chest, says she "wrapped myself up as a present for you." Won't she feel like a moron if he sends her home. Broke Back Michelle also insists on talking to the Wombat, but we are pleased when he only lets her give him a hug before making a B-line for Chantal. In 1:1 time with Chantal, the Wombat apologizes for not responding well when Chantal divulged her story about Living for Today. She says it's okay because he's a "good prize at the end" (???).

Naturally, Broke Back interrupts. . . to announce that "you and I are kinda in a fight" to the Wombat. She informs him further that she shared a first kiss with him, and then learned that he kissed both Shawntel of the Dead and Chantal." We don't understand how the Wombat is not kicking this woman off the show by now, but he LOVES the attention she is giving him, however imbalanced: "I like that she is so direct. I LOVE that she wants me to know she wants my time." Le Sigh.

And then. . . Fangs shows up Without Her Top. We had an unexpectedly heartwarming moment towards Fangs when, after Dolly Pemily told her story earlier in Wombat Part 3, Fangs was essentially Scared Straight by the reality of what a real relationship is. Said Fangs at the time, "I would have liked to fall in love here, but some of these women need to, they need this." Yes, and now Fangs needs some clothing, as her northern lady parts appear to be covered solely by a pashmina worn across her shoulders. As she talks to the Wombat, we catch a sideview of jubbly rockclimbing under her armpit. Not ribfat. JUBBLY.

Fangs takes off her . . fangs, and becomes Madison again as she tells the Bachelor that she "owes you where my mind's at." She tells him that she feels like everything she would do now, would be taking away from others." He is concerned, understandably, as we all know This Is The End of Fangs. But this still does not prevent him from wandering off to have 1:1 time with The Dentist, who has Emotionally Withdrawn, but which he reels back in with a big dramatic kiss.

And he picks, to join The Nanny, Shawntel of the Dead, and Dolly Pemily:
1. Broke Back Michelle (wtf)
2. Chantal (yay)

Suddenly, Fangs storms out. The Wombat, unnerved, follows her into another room, where she again tells him that she would have a really hard time taking a rose from any of the other women who put so much on the line. Both Brad and this viewer like this more honest version of Fangs, even when she says "it's not easy to just walk into this fairy tale and walk out with prince charming." "Especially with those shoes," says ABe, and we can't help but feel ABe is correct, as Fangs has chosen to wear those cuff-heels made popular by the alcohol monitoring set. Vaya con Dios, Fangs.

And the Wombat returns to continue picking:

3. Lisa (WHO IS THIS)
4. Jackie the Artist and her tribute to Georgia O'Keefe
5. Marissa (again, WHO IS THIS?)
6. Britt (see supra)
7. Twin Towers Alli
8. Lindsay -- oh, right right. The redhead in the red dress. Again.
9. Meghan (again, who is this????)
10. Stacy (GAH we don't know these people!!!).

Kimberley, who we also don't know, gets the axe. She is a graceful loser: F*** Brad. I could walk out of here today and start dating tomorrow. His loss." But Sara, the other person to get the axe, is a mess about it.

Stay tuned for next week, when the women talk to Dr. Drew about cheating. OOOOOO.

KLo

Wombat Parts 1 and 2: Wards of the RIng

2011-01-11T01:44:00.000-08:00

Babies, so we were in Europe. And then it snowed. And THEN we elected to go skiing and eat cookies instead of watch an old episode Bachelor this weekend. We confess it. But now we are back, like Brad Wombat, and ready for a Two Part Feature. So let us begin with Part 1, or what we like to call . . .

The Fellowship of the Ring:
Poor Wombat, his initial attempt to bestow the Ring of Power on Jennie and Double-D, three years ago, ended in misery for everyone. "Everything came crashing down" and he knew that "nothing would ever be the same." So, after three or four months of panic attacks, name-calling on blogs, and agony, he Had Enough.
"He went gay?" asked KMu.
No, my gentle viewers. But he DID summon a team to help him carry this burden, including Chris Harrison and a therapist. And the therapist, with Brad's HIPAA waiver in hand, is ready to tell America that the Wombat now "has the tools" to be in a relationship. But we are WAY more interested in the Wombat's back tat -- a twelve inch cross, a la olden tymes, across his shoulder blades -- than Brad's "tools." Even when said tools are wrapped in a Rocky III montage of running, jumping rope, and situps.

So a few years ago, our friends DOe and PIa introduced us to a local public network dating show, with which we became obsessed. Every episode was sponsored by a business or two in town. And because we live in relative rurality, these businesses are such things as the bowling alley and the make-your-own-jewelry store. In the first episode, which happened to be sponsored by the TATTOO PARLOR, the lucky couple became inebriated (at the bowling alley) and then were inked. She, with a small nuckle tattoo. He, with a giant cross on his back. Best. Show. Ever. But now we are wondering if that man was Brad, and if his tattoo was really a call for help, as we know of no man who would voluntarily get a big cross on his back at age 35, having apparently concluded, in college, that barbed wire around his bicep is neither a New Idea nor a Good One.

Anyway, after three years of therapy and a new tattoo, the Wombat is ready. So let's meet a few of the 30 women (because god forbid he only has 25 to select from) who will be traveling with him on this Journey:
1. Ashley is a dentist who considers herself to be an "artist" and the mouth her "canvas." She dances around in her bedroom and announces that the Wombat can look forward to "fun, romance, and healhty gums" with her.
2. Shawntal, who "meets a lot of guys in my profession." (pole dancer?). "Unfortunately, they are not alive." (hello, Clarice.). Her "parents will be buried in a mausoleum in Chico, Tx," SHE will be buried in a mausoleum, and "if all things go right with Brad, the bachelor has a good chance of being buried in Chico." OMG. RUN. She is, apparently, a funeral director.
3. Another Ashley, a Nanny. This interview consists of crying, as she recently lost her dad. She looks about 19 years old, but ABC is not putting ages beside names anymore (damn it).
4. Chantal (not to be confused with Shawntel), who is an executive assistant who works for her dad. Ok, we kind of like her, despite the fact that she was obviously born in 1985 with a name like that.
5. Michelle, a hairstylist/single mom who is a little Elizabeth Hurley in a Broke Back Mountain kind of way. No way in hell this girl was born in the 80s.
6. Raichel, a "manscaper." We see a lot of de-hairing of men on this one, and are slightly traumatized.
7. Meghan, who works in fashion. Meghan opines that men are like shoes -- one must go through a lot of cheap, cheesy ones before finding the best. We wonder what this means about us and our beloved Clogs.
8. Madison, a model with fangs. Yes, she seems to like the vampire thing a bit too much. We know she is supposed to be sensational and we are supposed to want to write about her, but we are already bored.
9. Emily, a childrens hospital event planner with the hair of Heidi Montag and the wardrobe of Dolly Parton. Emily met her ex, "Ricky" at age 15 and was engaged at 19. He was a race car driver, who died in a plane crash in 2004. The same week, Emily learned she was pregnant with their daughter . . . .Ricky. Sayeth KMu: "her name is Ricky, right? Not Ricky Bobbie?"

And then oh crap, suddenly we are seeing woman after woman getting ready, and we are just too tired to keep up. So instead, we watch Brad being interviewed by Chris Harrison. Blah blah trust issues, blah blah he feels bad about Jennie and Double D. Oh wait, they are HERE? And ready for their apology?? Yes, yes. Jennie and Double D rise from the ashes, Jennie in a black pillow case and belt, and Deanna in some sort of silver number. Both women are over him and skeptical of his ability to succeed in Bachelor Boot Camp. But the Wombat, he wants so badly to meet the new women, and to "see the light at the end of the tunnel." Sweets, that light is a TRAIN.

But suddenly we are distracted, because KMu has just offered us . . . THE KITTY. OMG, how the kitty made the journey from ABC prop room to the Mus living room is a mystery to us, but we are delighted nonetheless. We snuggle into its warmth, and forget its sordid past.

So here comes limo #1 with. . .
1. Chantal the executive assistant, who slaps the Wombat for "all women in america."
2. Kimberley, who looks like a Tim Burton cartoon (bubble head, long neck) and apparently works in marketing.
3. Alli the marketing director. Hello, Twin Towers. Put those girls away, Alli.
4. Ashley the Nanny, who actually says "aren't you a tall drink of water" and then grabs Brad's butt. We hate her dress, a spangly one-shoulder number that reminds us forcibly of our swimsuit in the 5th grade.
5. Meghan of the men-are-shoes. She is sporting hot pink wedges, like a drag queen after a bad night.
6. Melissa? Marissa? A sports publicist who has matched her pale pink dress to her pale pink eyeshadow. We also wonder if the carpet matches the curtains.
7. Lindsay from dallas. We don't know what she does. Redhead. Red Dress.
8. Ashley the Dentist.
9. Raichel the manscaper in blue spangles.
10. Madison aka "Fang." "You do look delicious." says she. "Tell me about the lambs and don't lie, because I'll know," says KMu.

Limo #2 arrives (we are sorry for this part of the BNU, but there are just so many women and there is no good way to do this), with:
11. Melissa the waitress. She has exactly one boob tassel on her dress, and will not age well.
12. Renee, ANOTHER Nanny with a squeeky voice.
13. Cristy, an attorney who shows us all her teeth. We don't have to remember her, as we know that No Attorney Will Survive. She also claims that she doesn't know anything about Brad, so apparently she is also a bad attorney.
14. Jackie, an "artist," (*coughUnemployedcough*), who makes the Wombat pinkie swear not to break her heart.
15. Sarah P, a real estate broker whom we forgive for her name, as we like her.
16. "Lacey," an insurance agent. COME ON, parents. Name your girls for the boardroom, not the bedroom.
17. Lauren, a highschool teacher in an ill-fitting golden number.
18. Lisa P in sales. And also, in the uggliest muffin top of a dress ever (yet brilliant for big dinners).
19. Shawntel the funeral director, who also has a neck tat (though smaller). Oh look, they will have something to talk about!
20. Britnee the Paralegal. Of course that's her name.

Aaaaaaand, in limo # 3 we have . . .
21. Stacey the bartender. Two words: leather tassels.
22. Jill the sales director. We don't remember her.
23. Lisa, in a blue dress and ruby slippers. Please go home to Kansas.
24. Rebecca, another esthetician who, unlike Raichel, does not specialize in man hair.
25. "J," an operations manager. It's her birthday.
26. Keltie the Rockett. Who looks like a Sheltie. We are not making this up. But we like her anyway.
27. Sarah a "musical theater performer." We bet $1 she was most recently employed in Branson, MO summerstock.
28. Emily, mother of Ricky. In the following: a black bustier with ruffles along the top AND bottom, and a silver belt clip. Why hello, Dolly.
29. Britt, a food writer.
30. Brokeback Michelle the hairstylist, in the Most Awful Dress Ever. It has tassels. Like the t-shirts women wear at an Airstreamers Convention.

So we have a flurry of rose ceremony interviews in which the women generally grill Brad about his Epic Fail the last time he was a bachelor. Among others, Ashley the nanny whispers that they have a clean slate, Raichel the manscaper waxes his wrist, Alli of the Twin towers needs to know if he can handle her jelly, as she was once dumped because her behind was not petite enough (seriously, who ARE these men you are dating), and Jackie the artist . . . sings. "as a hobby." They say, they say that Love, it don't come eeeeeaaaaasy. But no, instead she sings:
I came here today.
All the way to LA
What more can I say.
Take me away.

And also, the rain in spain falls mainly on the plain. Shoot us now.

Moving on, we watch Twin Towers Alli and Renee (nanny #2) ping pong back and forth with Brad and are ashamed for them. Emily/Dolly P. is really a coal miner's daughter from the south. Brad wants to know if Madison is "for real" with the fangs because if it's just an act, he wants her to leave, but if she's serious, then "that is really really hot" (yes, until she is 70 years old and everyone secretly wonders if she has a bad case of the snaggletooth), and Michelle the hairstylist has taken the Ring Toss rings and attached them to her ears. She is way too Maria Elena, a la Vicki Christina Barcelona. We wonder if she has a handgun somewhere.

The first impression rose goes to Ashley the nanny, who is joined by:
("They look like a pinata," says KMu of the women):
1. Broke Back Michelle.
2. Tim Burton's Kimberley
3. Fangs
4. Dolly Pemily
5. Raichel the manscaper
6. Sheltie Keltie
7. Ashley the dentist
8. Meghan of the shoes
9. Lisa M, also of the shoes (see ruby slippers, supra)
10. Lindsay -- red head, red dress
11. Sarah P
12. Marissa the sports person in the pink eyeshadow and pink dress
13. Alli twin towers
14. Britt the food critic
15. Stacey the bartender with the leather tassels
16. Shawntel the funeral director
17. Jackie the artist
18. Melissa the waitress with solitary boob tassel
19. the other Chantal.

The High school teacher is "at a loss." Britnee the paralegal is crying (really, if you are in the legal profession, you should know you have no choice). And all the women in their various puff pastry dresses, all of whom should have known better, have been cut. But even so, we pray for the love of god, that Brad narrows these women down further because this is just too many.

Which brings us to Part 2: The Return of the King.

Oh, Brad is so excited to be waking up in LA and be the Bachelor again. To illustrate his excitement, he plays with a football on a cliff. He has come home, babies.

Meanwhile, Chris Harrison explains the rules of the game to the women, who are already drinking bellinis. He also delivers date card #1, which is for Ashley the Dentist. The other Ashley, the Nanny who got the first impression rose in Part 1, looks murderous. Melissa the waitress also informs us all that she has been waiting to do this for eight years, has spent a fortune on clothes, and quit her job to go on the show, so she is Ready. Several thoughts immediately run through this viewer's mind: 1) she is older than shit. 2) WE are older than shit, as we have been blogging this show in some form for longer than she has been contemplating it, and 3) really, spending a fortune on clothes after quitting one's job is a BRILLIANT idea sure to bring Melissa nothing but success.

But off we go to date #1. We like Ashley the Dentist because she is a gainfully employed professional. However, she has forgotten her bottoms. Ashley's dress is gold lame on top, and a crinoline slip on the bottom. When this viewer was a child, we and our sisters were jealous of our friends, the RPon, RPon2, and EPon (aka, the "Pon girls") because they got to wear fabulous crinolines under their easter dresses, and we got to wear polyester made from our grandmother's old dressing gowns. But this is our point: the crinoline was UNDER the skirt. Not the skirt itself. We are about to suggest that Ashley the Dentist Look Into Bottoms until . . .

Sweet Jonah in the whale, is that a CLOWN?!? Okay, we would have nightmares on this date. They have gone to the carnival, dearies, and there are clowns EVERYWHERE. Alcohol and clowns don't mix, ABC. Especially when it is a deserted carnival, built especially for you, in the middle of a field at night. This is the beginning of a Stephen King novel, ABC, NOT A DATE. But of course, Ashley and Brad put on a brave face and pretend that they are having fun, running around from ride to ride with far more energy than this viewer would possess, in heels or otherwise.

In the end, the Wombat and Ashley the Dentist finally sit still long enough to realize that both of them had absentee fathers who struggled with addiction issues and left their families to fend for themselves. This is very sad. We are also a bit dizzy now because Ashley talks with her hands so much that we secretly wonder if she is also Signs Sunday services at a megachurch. Anyway, Brad concludes that "I like this girl. I like this girl a lot." And we confess that Forest has a point, so we are at peace when she gets the Safety Rose. Ashley shall live to clean another gum.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Date Card #2 has arrived for 15 women, and it says "Let's start sharing from the heart." Hm. This is for 15 women, which we will admit that we did not keep track of, but which we think involves some combination of Sheltie Keltie, Chantal the executive assistant (whom we like), Fangs, Sports Marissa, Raichel the manscaper, Britt the food writer, Meghan of the shoes, Dolly Pemily, Stacy (who is she?), Lisa (and who is she also?), Broke Back Michelle, and some others. Broke Back Michelle is already complaining that "tomorrow is going to drive me crazy."

Karma is a bitch, Broke Back.

So Broke Back has assembled 4 flying saucers and fashioned them together as earings for her date. It is also, allegedly, her 30th birthday this day. There is no way on God's green earth that this woman is 30. And also, we think we have figured out how contestants match their paper age to their true age on this show: say you're 24 and then suddenly "have a birthday" during filming. AND ALSO, Michelle is wearing a T-shirt with the arms hanging by threads to this date, secured by a big belt. We are so sad that the 1980s have come back to town.

But we put this aside, because all of our BNU fantasies have come true: Michelle and the other 14 women will be making a Public Service Announcement. We secretly hope it is for STDs. But no, it is for the Red Cross (which could still be for STDs). Sheltie Keltie is traumatized because she is "playing a butch giril in a neckbrace and arm casts." Ok, we love this girl.

But what follows is the worst telenovela ever, with the Wombat playing a moustachioed man called "Gustavo," the lover of two women and the baby daddy of another. We are unsure as to how this relates to giving blood. But after multiple takes of some kissing scene, Melissa the waitress (who will not age well) finally walks up to the set -- of which she is not a part -- and kisses Brad herself. Oh, awkward. Says one of the women, "Melissa has been acting a little awkward all day."
Says PMu: "It's called Menopause."

So blah blah Fangs gets to wear a leather dominatrix outfit and order Brad to lick her boot (again, what does this have to do with blood?), and Sheltie Keltie completely commits to her role, which is awesome. But then, Broke Back Michelle storms off set. Brad follows her like an idiot, allowing Broke Back to rope him in with a flounce of her jubblies and a claim that she's REALLY interested in getting to know him .. . before announcing to the camera that "everyone he kisses after me is going to be one huge disappointment." She is terrifying.

The group date concludes with a party on the roof. Melissa the waitress wastes no time in 1:1 selling herself as "very spontaneous," (blech), and Broke Back Michelle, in a necklace stolen from Betty Rubble, tells Brad that he has "walls" and that she wants to "peel his layers." Meanwhile, Melissa the waitress and Raichel the manscaper have gotten into some sort of epic slow-mo verbal bitchfight. We are uninterested, though we do note for the sake of journalistic integrity that it goes on for the entire evening, and the rose ceremony the following night.

The rose ultimately goes to Broke Back Michelle on this date, proving that years of therapy still have not saved Brad from himself.

Date Card #3 has come during this date, and it is for Jackie. "Let's get our love on track," it says. Meh. We are trying to be open-minded, but she has several strikes against her, including 1) being an artist of unknown media, 2) who sings badly as a hobby, and 3) who has no chemistry whatsoever with the Wombat. But of course she draws the "dress up fancy and pretend we are millionaires" date card, which starts with an uncomfortable couples' spa mud facial followed by hand massage by the Wombat (while still in mudmask), followed by picking out a dress from a number of fancy ones, and then wearing the fancy necklace from (probably) neil lane.

As they roll up to the theater for dinner, Jackie is all excited that the electronic marquee says "For Jackie, Love Brad." We suspect that 30 seconds later, it also says: "Time: 8:04. Temperature: 45 degrees." But whatever. So at this date, we learn that Jackie has only had two boyfriends in her life: one in high school and one sometime later. As we neither know her age nor dated ourselves much in college, we cannot throw stones. But for whatever reason, this has terrified the Wombat, who sees Jackie as someone like himself three years ago, closed off to love. That is just stupid.

Somehow, Jackie manages to get the rose on this date, even though, when the band Train comes to sing to them ("Will you marry me." AWKWARD), we learn that she cannot dance, on top of lacking chemistry.

And then we are at the cocktail party yet again. As the opening toast begins, Broke Back Michelle suddenly drags Brad off to obtain some Vital Important Information to Coupledom Success:
1. Do you prefer starbucks or the coffee bean? (starbucks)
2. What is your refridgerater stocked with? (eggs, turkey, water)
Brad repeates each question like an oral exam before answering. Michelle signals approval for his answers, even though we are confident she would approve even if he said that he drank mayonaisse and stocked his fridge with the carcasses of animals he had killed.

The cocktail party seems to go on and on, with Raichel and Melissa the waitress continuing their bickering, each individually crying to the Wombat about the incivility of the other, and a surprise appearance by Ali and Roberto of last season, who interview the women to determine who should stay/go. Our stock in Chantal the exec assistant goes up, as she is completely normal to Ali/Roberto and gives a thumbs down to both Raichel and Melissa.

To make a long story short, Dolly Pemily gets the special rose this evening, and she joins Ashley the Dentist, Broke Back Michelle, and Jackie in the "safety zone." And joining her are:
1. Chantal the executive assistant (yay)
2. Sarah P
3. Twin Towers Alli
4. Tim Burton's Kimberley (wtf.)
5. Shawntel of the Dead.
6. Stacy the bartender
7. Ashley the Nanny
8. Fangs
9. Lisa (who is this person???)
10. Sports marissa
11. Meghan of the shoes.
12. Lindsay
13. Britt the food critic.

Thanfully, Melissa the waitress and Raichel both get the axe. But, we are also sad to see Sheltie Keltie go, as we liked her.

We still don't know who all of these people are, but we suspect that we shall Learn More Critical Information next week, when the survivors apparently make a movie. Let's hope it isn't Lord of the Flies.
Peace,
KLo

Bachelor Part Here's the Deal: The BNU Shall Rise Again in an Untimely Manner

2010-12-26T04:47:00.000-08:00

Okay babies. This viewer is going overseas. It does not that we do not love you, or that we do not fervently await Brad Wombat and his deathly hallows. BUT, we are going to be gone during the airing of Mr. Wombat's initial walk of shame, and are not about to spend our last night in Europe in an internet cafe, watching hours of trash television online. So, we will post sometime next week, more likely nearer the weekend than far-er. We apologize, but this is the best we can do. We heart you all, and to all a goodnight.

Bachelor Part Crisis: This Viewer Is Conflicted

2010-12-16T16:04:00.001-08:00

This viewer shall not be in the country when Brad Wombat takes his last stand as Bachelor on January 3. Do we continue with our blog -- yet late Or do we hang up our notebook forever, in recognition that we are now old, decrepit, untimely, and may reveal too much about our awkward childhood moments if we continue? Le Sigh.

Let The Record Reflect

2010-08-09T17:05:00.001-07:00

This viewer will NOT be blogging the "Bachelor Pad," as we simply cannot handle That Much Stupid.

The Big Fedotowsky Part Por FIn: La Isla Bonita

2010-08-03T03:48:00.000-07:00

We are very sad to begin The Big Fedotowsky Part Por Fin from our sofas, quarantined from the Mus and ABe (who has left us for the flashy lights of vacaciones, anyway. sniff.) because we may single-handedly Wipe Out the BNU Staff with the Plague if we were to Step Forth Outdoors. Fortunately, we have our reluctant viewing partner, MCo, beside us and reading a book about physics (you know, to make us all feel better about ourselves for watching this show).

So here we are in Bora Bora, Tahiti, and Ali has decided to camoflauge herself as a rock/sand/native bird. Somehow, between Frank Funke's exit and today, she has gotten 10 shades darker. We would not have noticed her, standing in the water like a dead stump of tree, if it had not been for the ginormous yellow plumage she has tied around her hips. And also, the frosty frosty makeup. We think "Grace Stone." and "oh my." MCo looks up to utter something inarticulate.

Bora Bora is a "dream" for her, babies. And "you won't believe what happens." If skin cancer is not in the mix, color us Shocked. But now The Big F is excited to "think I could possibly get engaged at this island that I've always wanted to visit!" MCo is convinced that she could not point said island out on a map, but neither could we, and so we will not throw stones. This viewer's coworkers once bought her a Garmin so that she could stop getting lost on the way to work. We would like to name it "Garmina," except that we have not found a way to make the angry British man stop screaming at us when we let it participate in our driving decisions.

So then we have more recaps: Oh, the "special connection" with Roberrrto, the feelings of safety with him, and the feelings of being "like a woman." We do not hear the rest because we are pretty sure she is topless in the clip of the overnight date and are straining to hear the sounds of KMu gasping in horror several miles away.

But then there is Chris. Slow, steady C-cubed that is a "big teddy bear that I just want to hug and squeeze." He reminds her of her friends. They started out as friends. She "cherishes" her time with him. We feel Disaster Is Imminent.

But here Ali is again with a bikini top and linen pants. We would like to give a shout out to linen pants everywhere. We heart you, LP! But she is warning us all: she will have a "shocking decision" by the end of this episode. MCo wonders if she is going to become a man so that she can be the next Bachelor.

As Ali giveth with the linen pants, she shortly taketh away with the Worst. Dress. Ever. It has a white bandeau top, which can Mean nothing Good. And also, we cannot get past the extreme tan as she heads out on the pier in this contraption to pick up Roberrrrrto for his date with her family.

Ali trots Roberrrto over to her mom, dad, sister Raya, and brother Michael. Roberrrto is duly nervous, Ali is appropriately skreetchity ("you look so HANDsome!!"), but everyone appears to have a good connection on the family date. Which, of course, we must infer, because after Raya and Michael take Roberrrrto outside for some 1:1 time, we see nothing of this conversation. This is fine, because we are too busy staring at the un-tanness of Ali's brother. He is like a 40 watt "soft white" lightbulb. Must be a lawyer.

Ali's mom bonds with Roberrto, noting that “this is a difficult journey, but you’re here.” Roberrrrto wants to know how he can make Ali happy, which of course Mom says he is already doing. And then, Mom wins our vote forever: She tells him, "I might not get this right, but 'yo creo que tu corazon es puro.'” Oh!!! So, we are trying to learn French right now, and we are pretty sure that if we were presented with a french-speaking person on a surprise trip to Tahiti, all we would be able to say is "the students are in the classroom" and "the pencil is on the table." So, we heart mom for her mad Spanish skillz.

1:1 time with Dad is less sweet. He is a bit of a spazz, and manages to say the following in 3 seconds: "Thisisashorttimeframe. Wedon'thavealotoftime, andobviouslyIhavealotofquestions foryou. ButIguessmyfirstquestionis howdoyoufeelaboutAli?" Roberrto goes into a lengthy explanation about the importance of family, and obtains Dad's blessing to marry Ali. Well, that's what Roberrrto heard. What WE heard Dad saying was that he has "some comfort" by the fact that Roberrrto could provide "stability," and he has "no objections to that." Ringing endorsement from Dad!

This date ends with everyone salsa dancing, or trying to. But crisis: Ali is "exhausted" because she must "do it all over again the next day."

We are pleased with Ali's transition to shorts and a normal shirt as she walks the gangplank to meet C-cubed for his family date on the following day. He is carrying a lovely basket of fruit, which confuses us. Here, the family is ecstatic to learn that Chris shares their Massachussetts connection. Weirdly, Ali's dad taught high school physics and C-cubed taught high school math. Ali's mom is a nurse and Chris' mom was a nurse. Ali's dad and Chris' dad are both from Montreal! Oh, it is perfecto!

The family, naturally, loves C-cubed. Except this is our thing (all of us): this date devolves into talking about Chris' mom again because Ali's mom wants to know what happened. And we feel sad for him that he has to keep discussing his mom's death. And then our sadness turns into nervousness when he tells Raya and The White Ghost that he WILL be proposing to Ali in three days. Absolute confidence never means good things on this show, even if he does manage to get Dad's blessing.

Finally, Ali says goodbye to Chris and has some time to "process" with her family. We canNOT get past the crazy extension situation and the pink and blue frosty makeup, and are secretly happy that we are watching this episode on our 1982 Sony and not in HD at the Mus. We recently sat outside at a restaurant and stared inappropriately at the other patrons, because that is what we do (we sometimes think we will turn into this nun we once met, who carried a magnifying glass with her so that she could stare out the passenger seat people in other cars when stopped at the red light). One woman, to our left, had clearly gone to the beach, yet continued to wear the light foundation more suitable to the breadbelt of America 11 1/2 months out of the year. And it was terrifying. But this is who we think of when we see Ali talking to her family, and We Are Afraid.

Ali's Reign of Terror continues on her last 1:1 date with Roberrrto, to which she wears a white mumu with yellow polka dots and a ginormous fake yellow flower. One day, we will rip all the fake flowers off the shirts at the mall, so extreme is our hatred for these embellishments. Because of You, Fake Flower, we have not beeen able to purchase a reasonable shirt in the last two years. So damn you and your evil cousin, I'm-not-Pregnant-I'm-Just-Fat Top.

ANYWAY, Ali's last Date with Roberrrto is just like evey Last Ditch date on this show. They go jetskiing, which thrills the Big F because she "loves getting on machines that go really fast." She "loves that Roberrrto also shares that." Ali this viewer can think about is knee pain and losing a contact. We are so Uncool. But we are comfortable in our uncoolness, as Ali and Roberrrto come upon some stingrays and DECIDE TO SWIM WITH THEM. Roberrrrto is either trying to feed a stingray, steal its baby, or feed the stingray its baby because he is holding something wriggly and the stingray is rearing its entire body out of the water to reach it, virtually covering Roberrrrrto's chest. We are TERRIFIED. Did these people not SEE the Crocodile Hunter?

Finally, Ali and Roberrrrto's near death experience ends with a makeout session in the rain at a private beach and a confession of love at the 'Hilton Bora Bora." As Ali walks towards this destination, we thing "pantsuit? shirt and pants? pantsuit? big ugly unitard? pantsuit?" When the light improves, we realize she is really wearing a shirt and giant pants, which we suppose we will Accept, but only because they are stretchy. And also, because our sister recently made us throw away an *awesome* pantsuit that we had been retaining since the 1990s. It even had a belt.

But what is happening?? Unlike in seasons past, Ali is pouring out that their date today was the "best one ever." And that she has found everything she ever wanted in Roberrrto, and that she feels "safe" with him, and . .. OH NO.

The next day is Ali's date with C-cubed. As Ali appears at the door, we know Something Bad is About To Occur because ABC never films random door arrivals unless Something Bad is About To Occur. And she says: "OMG, it's been a crazy week. Okay, um, I am in such a weird place right now because this is coming to an end. Meeting my family, they thought you were amazing. Which is what I think about you too. But. . . tomorrow. I am at a point that I don’t know what to do. You have all the qualities that I want in someone. You have all the qualities I want in a partner. But just because all the qualities I want and enjoy time together, doesn’t mean it’s meant to be. I’m falling for someone else. Do you see what I'm saying?”

NO, ALI. WE DO NOT. We refuse to see this.

But we are going to give a standing ovation to C-cubed. As she says that she "has to let you go here, and not wait until tomorrow,” he starts to cry. And then he THANKS her for the grace in not making him go through the final rose ceremony and for being honest. He says that he'll miss her, and that it will take some time for him to figure it out, but that through this experience, he learned to put himself out there again. He wishes her luck, encourages her to go seize the day with Roberrrto, and tells her she's an amazing person. And then, and we swear we are not making this up, as C-cubed stands on the balcony crying, a perfect rainbow forms.

We have no words.

This person is a Class Act. Cape Cod Chris, we salute you.

We know that we must get past our devastation, but we are having a hard time to be excited as Ali says that she is in love with Roberrrto, nothing is going to change it, and that she is excited to tell him. We lover Roberrrrrto too, but are so heartbroken for Chris (and so thankful to Ali for not making him go through the stupid charade of final rose ceremonies) that we still have no words.

Thank god for Neil Lane, who just happened to be in the neighborhood with a big briefcase of engagement rings, and is more than willing to show Roberrrrto his options. Presumably, he picks a ring because now he's getting ready, and Ali is turning herself into our Angel Hair Barbie from the 3rd grade. Suddenly, she is standing nervously like a gilded lilly on a little platform, hoping that Roberrrto will "love her back" because he's "all I have left." And Roberrrrto is taking an infinity to Run the Guantlet, which apparently begins with a boat and ends with 1,000 stairs.

As Roberrrrrto finally arrives, sweating profusely, he declares that he wants to love her for the rest of her life (in lots more words, but we are getting tired). She tells him that he is the only "guy here today." He proposes. And, because we all want a bitter Queen to sing at our engagement party, Elton John starts crooning "Can you feel the love tonight" from the Lion King. We do not blame Roberrrrrto for promptly picking Ali up and running for the stairs.

The end.

Except it's not, because we now have to sit through "After the Final Rose." This is a bunch of stuff and nothing, except that Ali tops her Worst Dress Ever with an even more disastrous combination of bricabrac and ill-fitting top. We see Cape Cod, who continues his Reign as Best Human Being Ever, and then Roberrrto leaps forth from the sidelines to claim his fiance and talk about how they are moving in together in San Diego and getting married in the spring or summer. ABC, not wanting to make any bets, surprises them with a trip to Catalina Island leaving immediately, presumably so that the happy couple cannot break up before the depart.

We leave you with this: It has been a privilege, Cape Cod Chris. Thank you.

-KLo.

The Big Fedotowsky Part Men Tell All: Campaign for Craigslist

2010-07-27T03:26:00.000-07:00

Craigslist, oh Craigslist, our heart is yours again
With grace, you triumph o'er the other v-necked men.

That's as far as we got in our minds last night, as we were driving home from The. Most. Boring. Episode. Ever.Of.The.Men.Tell.All. All we know is this, and we know it into the very bottoms of our souls: Craigslist should be the host of this show. Because that would be awesome.

But since he isn't, we are going to make this exceedingly brief. We start the Men Tell All not with a live interview, but with a pre-taped segment in which The Big F talks about some of castaways, including Justin R.R., Mrs. Donovan, Scrapbook, and Frank Funke. We mostly cannot get past the spangly sparkliness covering her dress, ginormous wrist band, fashion ring, and head piece. "It looks like she broke an old mirror and put it in her hair," says KMu. This viewer might be having a seizure.

There is nothing new here: we see Justin RR escape through the shrubbery when Ali calls him on his lies, she describes feeling "bad for" Mrs. Donovan when she left him on a glacier after he repeatedly told her that he would "guard and protect" her heart and sang all those *awesome* songs. If we were in advertising, we would COMPLETELY put this person on a deodorant commercial signing about how lady smellinator will "guard and protect." But blah blah now we are on to Scrapbook, and his father's "oh, I just put eyes on a caribou foot" taxidermy display. Yes, Father of Scrapbook, you did, in fact, create the Ultimate Camel Toe. And finally, we see Frank Funke in his Peter Pan Film Student greatness, ditching Ali in Tahiti for Violet the Incredible back in Chicago. Fuckwit.

Oh, haha, but lets look at some *funny* deleted scenes next, which are not really funny but DO include Roberrrrto nearly taking out The Big Fedotowsky's eye with a champaign cork, Frank's father making a jibberish toast (now we see where he gets it), and Ali drunkenly donning an astronaut hat with Mrs. Donovan in their "Night at the Museum" date. "Houssssshton, we haf a problehm." We are en fuego because to witness said scene, a random staffer in a long pony brings Chris Harrison her laptop. THIS COULD BE US. DAMMIT. Screw the campaign for Craigslist. Raise the banner "KLo for Go-Getter: She's Got a Thing for You." Hang it loud, hang it proud babies. Anyway, the last *funny* scene is of wildlife running amok, in the form of a domesticated cat and a peacock, during a date with Roberrto. KMu hopes the peacock is wearing its flight suit.

This is followed by a random segment on Chris the ex-contestant who never talked, and whose "ex girlfriend thought I was funny. . . and also I like Mexican food" being a "phantom" because he would just randomly appear and disappear. As demonstrated by the random appearance of this segment. And of this paragraph.

At last, we meet the Men, most of whom we do not remember because all of the controversial persons have elected not to show up, and also, because one of them just fired some blanks with his finger gun. And we would prefer not to remember that. But it is here, my babies, that Craigslist holds court. Gentle readers, he had a "hard and fast rule" going into this that he would not talk badly about anyone, which he says lasted five minutes but we still think could have been much worse.

Craigslist on Justin RR: He was a "master manipulator. The guy is evil in that his intention was to gain publicity and to hurt a good girl, and to sabotage everything she wanted from this show."

Craigslist on Mrs. Donovan: "Yo, Kas. You're crazy, man." (Tyumbo also gives Mrs. Donovan credit for maintaining his 'looney tunes' ness throughout the taping).

Craigslist on Frank Funke: "Ali was in a very difficult position, and I know that she wanted to find her husband, and I'm not sure that she did." Frank came in with the best intentions, but funked it all up, so to speak.

Amidst our dawning realization that Craigslist should stage a coup for the title of host, Mrs. Donovan takes the "hot seat." We see some of his most awkward moments, but then we sort of like the kid because he says Ali had enough bad memories -- let him be a good one, even if he is batshit. Next up: Scrapbook in the "hot seat." Yes, we conclude this man is contemplative and articulate, and that it is a damn shame that a Camel Toe (and other items, such as Frank Funke) caused him to be voted off so soon.

And finally, Silent Jessie from season El Piloto takes the stage to talk about how she learned about Justin RR's girlfriends. Apparently, she got an email with a title "URGENT" through a social networking site she is on. And opened it. Because we completely advise that everyone open "urgent" messages from random strangers in their email inbox. And it gets weirder: Jessie explains that Jessica (the girlfriend) didn't have a facebook account because Justin RR "told her not to," as if this is the most normal thing in the world. But in an act of defiance, Jessica reactivated her FB account, only to see a message from "Kimberly" on Justin RR's wall. As Jessie described it, Jessica was Justin RR's "main girlfriend" and Kimberly was the "other one." The girls live five minutes from each other, and probably were in the same babysitters club or shared homeroom at Sweet Valley High.

We know this is dastardly, but here is the thing: just dump the wrestler, and move on with your lives.

Craigslist, again, on Justin RR: "In response to your (apparently public) comments Justin RR, you are not an extension of my family. I am not your friend. This situation had nothing to do with production, and was not manipulated by the host. This was an a**hole being an a**hole."

Craigslist, for the win.

Chris Harrison opens the peanut gallery up for comments, and we secretly wish we were there to ask something, anything, so that the woman whom we are choosing to believe is pregnant because otherwise, MY GOD, does not say: "I think that Justin RR is a a liar and a coward." While this is certainly New and Interesting Information, we are too traumatized by the mishapen strappy sundress tying under her belly to give it much thought. Then Ramona Quimby stands up and says something about somebody doing a "good job" and wanting to cheer Craigslist on in Olive Oil Wrestling, and all we can think is "well, thank god that woman with the bolero tie covered in coins is not speaking."

Sayeth KMu: "You know that thing I said about everyone in the audience looking hotter than usual? I take that back." As she should, considering that the Token Male in the viewing audience thinks he is on Newsies and has curiously small arms.

At last, the Big F comes out for a meaningless interview. We are SO comforted to know that the way our hair looks on a daily basis has now become The Fashion. As a few flies exit the monstrosity on top of her head, she confesses that the whole situation was much more difficult than she anticipated going in. There is no talk of whether she is happy or whether she is with anyone, and we secretly know she is not (which makes us sad for all three of the final persons, but really it is all for the best so that they can go on and find nice partners within a 30 mile radius of themselves). Scrapbook confesses his broken heart, but beautifully says that meeting her was part of the process by which he would find his nice normal partner, and Mrs. Donovan sings.

And at last, we close with the two truly funny moments of the show: 1) Craigslist and Roberrrrrto speaking Spanish to each other, only to have the Weatherman/H. Potter understand, and 2) Cape Cod Chris trying to make Craigslist pee the bed while sleeping by putting his hand in water. We know, they lose something in the telling.

Stay tuned for next week, when our hearts will most assuredly be broken unless Ali moves to Utah to start her own colony of Big Love.

KLo

The Big Fedotowsky Part 9: What the Funke

2010-07-19T19:37:00.000-07:00

Babies, we are not sure which is more pathetic: heralding the wee morning hours of our 3-- birthday by watching the entire Twilight movie on YouTube in 9 minute increments, or spending the evening hours in a "Birthday Princess" sash and tiara, blogging this show. We do it all for you, my dears. So let's get started.

Really, The Big Fetodowsky Part Put A Bullet In It Already has more filler than Ali's lips. We start out in Las Angeles with an extended contemplative moment between Cape Cod Chris and the sky. Oh, he is falling for Ali! Oh, it has been years since he has felt this way for a woman because so much emotional energy was spent nursing his mother. Oh! Do NOT shoplift the pootie, Ali. We will never forgive you (all of us).

But then, there is Roberrrrrrto, packing as he dreams of Ali and PDA on the beach. And PDA in the yard. And PDA on the field. And -- oh look, now he's holding a baseball! Roberrrrto "must be confident in what he brings to the table." No looking back. KMu "likes what he brings to the mesa," so to speak.

And then.. . .Frank Funke is conflicted. We know, everybody sit down because this is a Complete Shocker. My dears, he came to fall in love with Ali and that is "what he did," but now he has had feelings "brewing" for his ex-girlfriend, Nicole, since he left. Two things immediately break into this viewer's mind:
a. "brewing" is what one does before having a Moment Of Powerful Reflection in this viewer's household.
b. omg, is Frank Funke dating Nicole Schehererererrzingerar, lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls who had a 2 minute solo career in which she sang "my name is Nicole. I do watcheva you Want. I do watcheva you Want" while climbing from a box only to girate in front of some giant fans on *we think* SYTYCD ten thousand years ago? !?!?! If so, this will be good.

Frank has chosen to go back to Chicago (instead of Tahiti) to find out if he is "still in love" with Nicole. His "stomach is in his feet" and his "heart is at his throat" babies. Frank's head is also apparently up his ass, as he goes to some random Chicago hotel room to meet Violet from the Incredibles and enact the following scene:
Violet nee Nicole: "What is go-ing on?"
Mr. Funke: I was nervous coming here. I am a nervous wreck. I spent the past while fighting guys for Ali. And she doesn't know I'm here. My feelings for Ali are very real. Her and I [RAGE] have an awesome connection.
Violet: [blank stare]. "You have consumed my every day. You just lived a completely different life from me. It's really hard, seeing you getting deeper with someone else. You. Complete. Me. You need to come home."

This viewer cries FAKE.
ABe concludes that Frank wants a backup plan.
KMu is still singing "I do watcheva you want. i do watcheva you want."

And then Frank crosses the final line in this viewer's play book. He says to Violet/Nicole: "I'm going to have to go to Tahiti. I'm going to tell Ali. It's going to take a lot of strength and courage. And I need you to support me. I'm scared." So, when we were 18, we had a boyfriend who dumped us for his ex-girlfriend. One week later, ex-girlfriend reunited with her previous paramour and our ex-boyfriend wanted us back. And after we denied his sorry ass, ex-boyfriend uttered the following: "Wow. I've lost two really important people to me this week. First her, and now you." Oh yes. WTF. And while this is funny to us today (and back then too), we still take comfort in the fact that ex-boyfriend subsequently injured himself with his dance belt. And that, my dears, is what we wish for Frank Funke when he next dons his Peter Pang Wings and demands a gold star for not growing up.

Our mood does not improve as we cut to Ali doing her best impression of Daryl Hannah circa Splash as she flips her hair back out of the Tahitian water. Warns ABe: "Grrrl, you don't do that with a weave."

Thank GOD we are on to date #1 with Roberrrrrto. They jump a helicopter (because why not, since she's afraid to fly) and race off to the Blue Lagoon. Oooo, maybe this is the part where Ali tapes her hair to her jubblies, becomes pregnant with Roberrrto's love child, and then discovers they are siblings. So far we are on the right track: They walk through the deserted lagoon only to sit in the middle of it and make out. "If I ended up with Roberrrrrrto, I would live a wonderful life and it would never be short on romance," says Ali. Damn straight. We heart Roberrrrto.

We do not see enough of this, which is Very Upsetting, but ABC placates us with dinner in the Swiss Family Robinson house. Okay, so this viewer has a few things on her bucket list, and one of them is to live in a tree house. And also, to have a hammock inside our home. We are dreaming of hammocks and treehouses with fully functioning bathrooms and we almost do not notice Ali and Roberrrto until we refocus and . . . mother of god what is she wearing. The Big Fedotowski has stolen Frank's tank top from Part 8, turned it into a baggie, poked two leg holes in the bottom, and pinned it together with chip clips on top. We are horrified.
Thank god Ali sits down.
We are at last able to focus on Roberrrrto again, who confesses that he is falling in love with Ali. OHHHH!!!!! ** Poof*** out comes the fantasy suite card "from Chris Harrison."
KMu: "Chris wants you to forgo the fantasy suite and come by room 1011."
Roberrrto, of course, picks the fantasy suite. "It would be a shame to forgo a perfectly good fantasy suite," says he. We are completely endeared to him, even if what follows is a slow mo getting nakedness since they got "all wet" walking through the water to said fantasy suite. ha cha cha.

And then: date #2 with Chris. So, today we called someone whom we learned was This Very Moment on Cape Cod. We felt it inappropriate to ask, "so um, do you know Chris L?" but only because we were masquerading as A Professional. Because this is our thing (all of us): Cape Cod Chris is like a hot ham and cheese sandwich. He warms us up and always works with goldfish crackers.

So Cape Cod Chris and Ali are going sailing on a yacht. "F*ck yeah, this is now my dream date" interjects KMu. "Only I'd like to drive." It is perfectly fine for KMu to be driving, as we would be in the back with C-cubed and his periodic table t-shirt (which, though he is not wearing now, we secretly loved and have not forgotten). Chris confesses that he has not dated much in the past two years because of where his life has been focused, and they talk about his family. We at the BNU fall for him even more. This portion of the date ends with them swimming to a deserted beach (of course) only to scavenge for oysters with pearls. Even if we are not a Pearls Sort of Person and feel sad for the Oysters being sacrificed during said scavenging, this is sort of cool.

But it is not over. Oh no, for they are having HOBO DINNERS for supper!!!! We love us a hobo dinner, even if we always ended up eating a raw potato and charred beef because ours never cooked right. Our friend AFa can make eggs and bacon in a paper bag over the fire, which we think is Possibly the Coolest Thing Ever. We suddenly realize that we have not eaten a proper supper, unless one counts popsickles and wine.

Cape Cod Chris is now pouring his heart out. At the fantasy suite (because we all know they went there) he reveals that he learned a lot watching his parents together in his mother's last 1 1/2 years. He sees himself with Ali forever. His mother would be looking down on them smiling. And he says he loves her!!! OHHHHHH!!!! This person is too good for this show. And also, if she breaks his heart, we will all be devastated.

And finally, the "date" we have all been waiting for. Frank Funke shows up with all his luggage on Tahiti (again, WTF), moaning about how he "can't give Ali what she deserves" because he loves Nicole. Helpfully, Chris Harrison immediately pops up at Mr. Funke's door. And we kind of like CH in this moment, because even though he's neutral, we actually think he doesn't like Mr. Funke all that much. Frank Funke is all *moan moan moan* "being there with Nicole . . . all those old feelings came back, but stronger." Frank, gentle readers, "didn't see this coming." And now he doesn't know what to do because Ali didn't actually KNOW about Nicole's existence. We have no sympathy for you, fuckwit peter pan. CH listens in silence and then is like, "well you have to tell Ali."

As Ali bounces up the door to Frank's place, we are willing to forgive her for her sins with hair extensions for we know she will feel The Big Dump momentarily. She is "really looking forward to this date with Frank" because their "relationship has been all over the place." But as they hug each other for five minutes, Frank says:
"Ali, we need to talk."
KMu: "I hope this goes faster than the conversation with Nicole."

And then blah blah he's "really nervous' but reveals the existence of Nicole, his feelings for Nicole, spins the whole Chicago adventure as getting "closure" with Nicole, tells Ali she's "perfect in every way," that he "loves the way she makes him feel," and basically violates every single Break Up Rule of Self Preservation. And actually, we are heartbroken for Ali because she is completely devastated. Even if he is a tool (which will only make it worse for her in retrospect, when she thinks back on this). We are glad, at least, that she calls him selfish and reminds him that she gave up everything to be here and 'find love."
Everybody drink.
Except Frank also insists that "me too!" he gave up everything. Which is why he doesn't have a job, is living with his parents, and had broken up with Nicole all before ever coming on this show. Sigh.

At least KLo got her birthday wish.

And Part 9 ends with a fizzle. The Big F can barely get herself together to have a rose ceremony, but wants one anyway because she wants to know that C-cubed and Roberrrrto are choosing her as much as she is choosing them. Except she talks vaguely to them about why Frank left as having some "unfinished business back home," etc. leaving them both to wonder "death in the family? new job? secret love child?" When asks if her future husband is still here, Ali is no longer certain, but says she has "high hopes." We feel sad for her as she picks:
1. Cape Cod Chris.
2. Roberrrrrto.

Ironically, we want them both to win. And Ali too. Damn you, ABC, for making us feel Conflicted.

Stay tuned for next week, when the Men Tell All before we are off to . . . Bora Bora to meet The Big Fedotowsky's family (again).

KLo

The Big Fedotowsky Part 8: Love is the Only Reality

2010-07-12T19:33:00.001-07:00

Oh oh oh, we have now lived for two MONTHS with The Big Fedotowsky and yet she still can't believe that she is "down to four guys." We can't believe she owns silver glitter shoes, which she is packing for possibly our favorite episode of the entire season (historically speaking): Home Town Dates!!!

We jump right into to Tampa, Florida with Roberrrrrto. We keep forgetting to blog this date, as he is so ha cha cha. Unsurprisingly, Roberrrto takes Ali to a ballfield, where he gives her one of his old jerseys. "Have I told you that I like a guy in a baseball uniform?" Little Leaguers, beware. Roberrrrto tries to teach Ali how to bat, which KMu mocks mercilessly until this viewer points out that we would be just as terrible, if not worse. The last time we played baseball, we were 14 years old and caught a grounder, which then rolled up our arm and hit our adams apple, making us Feel About to Die. Of course, Roberrrto is faced with Ali, not us (damn), and so he can exclaim without falsity that it is "awesome to see how athletic she is." In the end, he gives her a laminated baseball card from his playing days. He is, in the words of The Big F, "smokin' hot." "Baseball was part of my past. I'm ready to make Ali part of my future," says he. Oh!!

Off we go to meet Roberrrto's family. She is muy nerviosa, but we at the BNU are secretly hoping that this is exactly like a telenovela:
KMu: "Aiiii, Dios Mio!!!!
ABe: "Que lastima!!!"
All we need is a set of twins and a defrocked priest. Sadly, we will have to settle for two Olgas and a Peter. Also known as Mom (Olga), Sister (Olga), Brother (Peter), and in case we are not exactly clear from whence Roberrrrto came, Dad (Roberrrrto, Sr.).

We love this family. Olga the Elder will age well, unlike others *coughMollycough*. Our only thing is that we are uncertain as to the electric blue donuts hanging from her ears. Roberrrrto, Sr. is just like ABe's dad. Compare: (R Sr.) : "What are your personal goals?" with (LBe) : "Got a job? Do you vote?"). We give props to R. Sr. for testing the Big F on her willingness to compromise, and to Ali for saying that to make Roberrrrto happy, she needs to be happy, and for that, she needs to be fulfilled. Roberrrrto Jr. asks for his parents blessing to propose to Ali and we all get teary because it is in espanol.

As we part ways, Olga the Elder whispers: "I love you with all my heart . . . just don't live in Arizona." Okay, that last bit was added by ABe. And everybody dances, instantly assuring each and every one of them a place in the cockles of this viewer's heart.

We scarcely know how a Home Town Date could be better than Roberrrtos until we meet Cape Cod Chris in, well, Cape Cod. But first, a word about Ali's boots. WTF is she doing wearing leather boots by the water AGAIN. Having ruined a perfectly fabulous pair of suede boots fannying around in the ocean with El Piloto, she is now wearing HIGH HEEL leather boots for a walk on the beach. With leggings. That is just wrong, in so many ways.

Cape Cod Chris woos Ali with stories of whales "mating out there" in the general direction of, you know, the water. Ali can "feel the romance already." But all we can feel is the cold chill of memory as we flash back to the Sacred Dance Guild and the Blue Danube. Babies, a Sacred Dance Guild seminar is one of those things that one attends in youth because one just KNOWS it will make a good story when one is old and grey and in their 30s. It is where one goes to chant "hey hey he-e-ey ung-goo-ah" to the tune of a celtic drum, where one discovers the delight of liturgical dance groups called such things like "Miriam's daughters," and where, yes, one is Eternally Traumatized by a delicately hued beached whale in a turtleneck screaming "bluuuuueeeee danuuuuuuuuube" and improvising dancers who merely asked for song ideas. Over and over again. And THAT, babies, does not bode well for Cape Cod Chris.

Fortunately, Cape Cod Chris and his family are the most Awesome Human Beings ever to grace the Bachelor franchise. We can tell this home is full of love because it has lots of windows (always a sign). And also, a poem that Cape Cod Chris' dad wrote for his mother is up on a ledge somewhere. As Cape Cod Chris and Ali wait for the rest of his family, they roleplay what a typical day might be like:
C-cubed: "Gee, I've had a bad day. I need a beer."
Ali: "I have one in my purse. "
ha ha ha ha but okay seriously, we wonder if we could do that at work.

So soon Ed (the dad) comes home, followed by C-cubed's brothers and sisters-ish in law, and suddenly everyone is standing around the kitchen eating shrimp and drinking wine. WE LOVE THIS FAMILY. And also, neither of the women are wearing slap on their faces. And they are all such good people. Ali discovers that the sistersish-in-law both have "Dennis bracelets" like the one Cape Cod gave her, and reads the one Ed gave to Cape Cod's mother, Margie: "Love is the only reality."

Suddenly, we see the last four years of pouring ourselves into work flash before our eyes, and we feel ashamed.

Ed describes how he met his wife when she was 19 and he was 21. She was in a bar with a fake ID, and when Ed walked in, she told her friend, "I'm going to marry that man." In his 1:1 time with Ali, he tells her how Cape Cod left his job to move back home and help Ed nurse Margie in her last year, and how special Cape Cod was for that sacrifice. "To be with people who need you is so important, and there aren't many people that would do that." By now, we are all crying, and all of us are feeling fiercely protective of C-Cubed, including the sistersish-in-law. They worry that he had no outlet for 1 1/2 years while he helped his parents through Margie's death, and that his feelings for Ali are just an expression of that pent-up emotion. But then C-Cubed tells his Dad that he doesn't want Ali to "pick" him, but to fall for him. OH!!!!

We, the People of the BNU here do solemnly declare that Nobody, including Ali, is going to shoplift this pootie.

We could watch the C-Cubed hometown date 20 times over, but instead we must go to Green Bay, WI for Scrapbook. So, in case you all were wondering who buys all of those decorative plates (you know, the "Lady Diana Wedding Album Collector's Plate" and so forth), that would be Scrapbook's stepmom. Decorative plates grace every flat surface in this house, including the wooden molding around the ceiling. And also, the sofa is a pinpoint of hunting images. AND ALSO: "So Ali, . . . wanna see the basement?" asks Scrapbook's dad. "Would you like to go first?"

Babies, setting aside the Creep Factor from that statement alone, we canNOT get passed the fact that Scrapbook's father's entire basement is an homage to the dead animal. Yes, he is into taxidermy. Our friend JSa once taxidermied Hamlet the Hamster in the basement of our college biology lab when Hamlet met an untimely demise due to overeating of carpet fuzzies and palm fronds when on the lam from his cage. Through that experience, we all learned a Thing Or Two about taxidermy, including that one should not indescriminately use eyeball substitutes. And yet Scrapbook's father has done that, attaching eyes to a caribou foot. Resulting in a gremlin. As he opens a freezer to display little packages with names like "coyote skull," he discusses his joy in "bringing animals back to life." Sweet Moses.

In the end, Scrapbook's dad ends up being quite nice and proud of his son. But, we have barely gotten adjusted to this New Information before BAM we are hit with Scrapbook's mother, Tina, and sister "Tawna" (along with grandma Arlene). Lo, though Tawna may be named after her father's One Night in Bangkok, we are more shocked by Tina's horsey hairstyle (we hate this. HATE THIS) and braces. And also grandma Arlene's unnatural obsession with the cheesy potatos.
Arlene: "We have two kinds of potatoes. One of them is cheesy."
Tawna: "My family gets together for every event. Mother's day, Christmas, Easter -- "
Arlene: "Pass the cheesy potatoes."
But in the end of this too, we appreciate Tina for being so level-headed with her son and so proud of all that he has accomplished. Though, we have Major Concerns that Ali is just Not Feeling "It" with Scrapbook. Scrapbook, unfortunately, is head over heels.

And at last, AT LAST, we are on date #4 with Frank Funke in Chicago, IL. ABe starts warning the crowd, "I am going to lose my sh*t with this one," as Frank rushes towards Ali on Navy Pier and he is wearing:
1. A deeply v-neck wifebeater.
2. A womens' size extra small two-tone sweatervest; and
3. A windbreaker.
Of course, Ali looks like a Russian sailor, but that does not mean it is okay for her to like Frank. And yet, she LOVES Mr. Funke. As they get on a boat to take a Scenic Architectural Tour of Chicago (we are presuming), they take photos and giggle. Ali, my babies, thinks that it's such a "good thing that Frank can get up and go anywhere." Yes, because he is UNEMPLOYED and so are you, Ali. And also, "her hair looks like a molting baby bird," observes KMu.

But 15 minutes in, Frank is already all up in his brain, worrying about what if he put all his faith in The Big Fedotowsky and she sent him home, and blah blah blahdy vomit blah. Though she once again rushes to reassure him, Ali FINALLY notes (to us, dear diary style) that she cannot keep reassuring him all of the time. And we SO agree:
"Dear Frank,
Grow a pair.
Love,
KMu and ABe.
As ABe starts chanting "Lo, though I walk through the valley of the shadow . . . " we go to meet the parents. We hear even less of the very little that ABC shows of this familial meeting because we cannot rip our eyes from Frank's chest cavity. A V-neck wifebeater? Seriously?!? With tailored edging? But our attention is grabbed by the gushing sound coming from Ali's mouth as she talks to Mr. Funke's mom about his wonderfulness. This is a World of No, Ali. A WORLD OF NO. We feel helpless against the tidal wave of crushitude that Ali is feeling towards Frank, clinging only to our hope that his sister's understatement that he is an "emotional guy" might finally break through.

But now we have survived all 4 home town dates and are at the rose ceremony. We are hating The Big F's dress, at least on her. It has a triangle of fake cloth roses right where the chest is supposed to be, giving the impression that at any moment, the entire top will roll right off her body due to the sheer weight of all that material. But, we forgive her for this dress because she is genuinely distraught. Crying as she chooses, and with no rose ceremony whatsoever, Ali picks:
1. Roberrrrto
2. Cape Cod Chris (yay. Although we are going to give you the Stink Eye if you break his heart)
3. Frank Funke (in a velour fleece under a sport coat. seriously.).

Poor Scrapbook, he is going home. We knew this was coming, though we don't think that he is the most graceful, noting that this is an entirely new experience for him because he has always been the one to dump the woman. We feel less sorry for him now.

Stay tuned for next week, when we go to Tahiti. And just maybe, for my birthday, Frank Funke will finally get the axe.

-- Peace,
KLo

The Big Fedotowsky Part 7: Sweet and Low

2010-07-06T01:29:00.000-07:00

We don't know where to begin with The Big Fedotowsky Part 7 except to say, Sweet Fudgsickles, are we really on Episode 7 and are there really 5 man-people left still? Big Daddy managed to pick someone in 8 episodes, and that was dreadful enough. At any rate, here we are in Lisbon, Portugal, and Frank Funke is wearing an anchor on his shirt. Ahahahaha, yes, my sentiments exactly.

But Mr. Funke is relieved, babies, for there may be 4 dates this episode, but none of them have roses! Nevertheless, there is a "lot on the line," as the remaining boys standing at the end of today will be taking Ali home to meet the parents!

First date card? For Roberrrrto. "Come be the king of my castle." Ha cha cha. Frank Funke is immediately jealous that HE didn't get the date, that someone ELSE did, and that HE doesn't get to be king of the castle. We think all manner of dark things in his general direction until Ali shows up in a tank top and . . .
ABe: "I don't understand that skirt."
It is about 6 inches long and solidly bedazzled. Babies, we like to avoid outfits that expose the Hail Damage of Time, and previously assumed, quite fairly in our opinion, that most women did the same [except our college classmates whom we have discovered to regularly do yoga, run five miles after giving birth, have good hair, maintain gardens, travel to exotic locations, and know how to work a proper camera. These women apparently don't have hail damage, which we would otherwise be able to see from their perfectly crafted art shots. DAMN YOU, facebook search function.]. What we are not understanding here is that said skirt actually GIVES one the impression of hail damage upon sitting for more than 30 seconds, and then exposes it all for the world to see.

We are trying desperately to get past said skirt, as it IS Roberrrrrto after all, and they are taking pictures all over Lisbon. Except we can't see very well because some giant man in a pinstripe shirt, sunglasses, and sweater tossed over his shoulders is in the way of ABC's lens.
KMu: "Homosexual, you are in the way."
ABe, still on the skirt: "It's like a scarf. . . . turned into a skirt. Is that fringe on the bottom?"

Finally, finally, we manage to refocus (even ABe) as Roberrrrto dances with Ali in the street, makes out in a cable car, and whispers sweet nothings about how they will have "lots more moments like this" if she ends up with him. While he loses 10 points for cheese, we must immediately award him 20 points for expressing his genuine excitement to take her home to meet his family, even in the face of her saying she needs to "figure him out" because he is "not used to people as nice as you." [read: "I am waiting for the other shoe to drop because I have historically dated emoto-fuckwit film students like Frank Funke and don't know how to behave with a nice boy].

We don't know how this ends up, as our eyes are ripped away from Roberrrto by another date card arriving at the hotel for a 2:1 date. "Let's find our future in the past." And it's for . . . . Tyumbo and Frank Funke!!! We are so pleased, as Frank looks like he ate a baby turtle. "Tyumbo is my biggest competition," he opines. and then [insert long list of complaints followed by] "I don't want to walk around with Ty. I want to walk around with a girlfriend."
KMu: "You don't have to walk around holding his hand or anything."
ABe: "Thought that might help your chances."

We have a hard edit from Tyumbo and Frank Funke hugging Ali in front of a helicopter to flying through a wind farm. So, our sister just got a parrot. Because, you know, that makes sense. But this parrot has a little gym to avoid boredom, and a pinata filled with treats [we are not making this up] and . . . pampers to wear when flying around the house.
Also known as a "flight suit."
We mention this only to say that we would certainly need such a suit if we were going to FLY A HELICOPTER THROUGH A WIND FARM. That is all. [PS, our other sister has fish, which we feel is much more reasonable even if she did kill them three times. So technically, she "had" fish.]

Anyway, we are back on the date, and Frank Funke is bitching about wanting to say things to the Big F that he can't in front of Tyumbo . . . to seeing a deer as the threesome hike towards a castle . . to Frank Funke bitching about sharing the moment with Ty again. And at last we are about to eat dinner on Chris Harrison's old Christmas tree wrap until . . . WTF. There is a waiter in PLAIN SIGHT. You know, this viewer has a birthday coming up. And all she has wanted for NINE YEARS is to be the waiter and/or rose dish holder and/or box-for-voting-someone-least-favorite depositer during a rose ceremony. But no. Our hopes have been dashed, and we have been replaced by THIS person, whom we are confident is really "second gaffer" or something in a rented jacket. Rage.

Anyway, after Tyumbo makes an uncharitable comment about the night being perfect but for the presence of Frank Funke, we are mercifully introduced to some 1:1 time. This improves neither our mood nor our feelings towards Tyumbo. Ty, gentle readers, doesn't think his mother would be bothered at all by the fact that Ali is "more of a worker." We cry "liar!" as Tyumbo's own face shows the pain of uttering such statements after just divorcing a woman for working, you know, ONE YEAR AGO. But Tyumbo has changed, babies. He is just "tickled to death" that Ali would "have a plan." Oooh, your widdle Ali has such big big pwans. Whadda whittle cutie!!" We give Tyumbo the stink eye.

But 1:1 time with Frank Funke is not much better. Frank is "a little nervous" because he feels that they have a good thing, but he "doesn't have anything to compare it to" in terms of her relationships with the other guys. And he is also nervous because, um, "there is one thing I need to tell you tonight. And that is . . . that I live with my parents."

[GASP].

"You know, after I sold my condo in the city and then went to Europe . . . " Just stop stop STOP TALKING, Frank.

Homeslice supposedly had a good job in the city and owned his own place. And he burned through the money from both of those things in six weeks in Europe? So once upon a time [Pre-Ravages of Time], we went to ballet school with a girl who spent $3,000 of daddy's money on clothes and shoes in her first two weeks in Boston. This girl was fifteen years old. That girl was not 31 years old and supposedly maintaining a good job because of solid judgment and the ability to manage finances. Fuckwit.

While we feel that Ali should run Right This Instant, Ali is not feeling our urgency. Oh no. She says "awwwww!!!" and cuddles closer. Then this happens: "Let's live in a tree together like a couple of monkeys," says Mr. Funke. Yeah, Frank, because that's all you're going to be able to afford. Thank God you have that manuscript you're writing to burn for warmth. Frank is, apparently, "everything Ali has wanted, and everything she fears." No shit.

Date #3 is with Scrapbook. We are having mixed feelings about this person. On the one hand, we feel he is entirely wrong for Ali. On the other hand, he has risen in our estimation to the level of Cape Cod Chris and Roberrrrto, otherwise known as Men Who Are Reasonably Articulate. And also, he does not have a seizure upon seeing Ali's tank top, which has the following three things: 1) chains, 2) studs, and 3) sequins all going on at once. So Scrapbook and Ali are off on their date, and Ali is just not feeling it because her mind is elsewhere. We are back in our usual ambivalent state towards Scrapbook, and so we are at peace with the potential that he will go home as he chatters happily about how he's in a good place personally while Ali nods abstractly on a little horsedrawn carriage ride.

Except then Scrapbook calls her on being distracted, in such a nice way, though we almost don't hear it because, thanks to HD, we can actually see where her eyeshadow has gotten stuck in her fake lashes. But as they continue to talk, and Ali confesses AGAIN for the 100th time in Season Big Fedotowsky that she's worried she won't be "good enough" for whichever guy she picks in the end, Scrapbook says: "You know, I didn't know who I was before I got sick. And I didn't think I deserved to be loved by the people who loved me. But then getting sick put things in perspective. And I do deserve that love, and I deserve to be here, and I deserve you." Except he says it 800 times better, and suddenly, we love Scrapbook again. Oh!! Our love does not falter, even as a blind woman channeling Sophia Loren sings on the steps to the tune of a guitar.

Soon, we are on Date #4 with Cape Cod Chris. "Love gets better with age," it reads. Oooo, we hope this date involves cheese. But no, it involves our next favorite thing: A winery!!! Except crisis: The Big F is having a difficult time with Chris. While she "digs' him as a friend, he is not opening up enough for her, and the relationship is going at a slower pace than her relationships with the other boys. Oh no!!

Things are not helped when he is given a Vespa to drive. "I don't want to be that dude who kills the bachelorette," he worries, as he has never driven a scooter or a motorcycle before. And we COMPLETELY understand. This viewer once drove through the streets of Bangalore, India on the back of our friend KZi's scooter for a week. You know, without a helmet. Laughing hysterically the entire time because that is what one does when one fears Imminent Death.

So here we are on the Vespa, and Chris is going about 20 miles an hour until Ali makes him pull over and drives herself. We love this dynamic. We also love Cape Cod Chris because he opens up about his mother, answers questions in a measured way, and gives her a bracelet that he was holding onto until he had decided if he "liked her enough," which is just so refreshing when compared to all the other boys. We know that Cape Cod Chris is all sorts of vulnerable to Ali, and we love him for it. And also, he pulls some lilacs down from a giant bush for her.

But suddenly, the rose ceremony is upon us. The BNU panel is divided on The Big Fedotowsky's dress. It is white and stripey . . . but only on one side. ABe likes it, but this viewer is forcibly reminded of a beach towel. Her extensions looking worse than ever, without any fuss Ali picks:
1. Cape Cod Chris (whoot!!)
2. Frank Funke (nooooooooooooooooooo).
3. Roberrrrrto (double whoot!!!), and . . .
4. Scrapbook!

Whoa! Tyumbo is goin' home. Showing his true view on life, he says HE thought HE was perfect for her, and that he is pissed because SHE made a wrong choice and he hopes she realizes that. Somehow, we don't think so.

And then we realize why ABC has been rushing us through the Big Fedotowsky Part 7. And it is because Jaques El Piloto and Le Sausage are Meeting for the First Time Since The Big Breakup. We are feeling very mixed as to whether to comment on this at all, as it is mostly just yelling at each other, and so we will make the following observations:

1. ABC has reached a New Low.

2. Le Sausage somehow manages to float to the top as between herself and El Piloto, notwithstanding her use of the word "poly-o-graph" and the fact that she sold her story to a tabloid [for which she apologizes to Jake]. And also, because she utters the best line of the night: "My IMPRESSION was that you were a PILOT and that we were going to go back to Florida and lead a normal life [after the show], but you took me to LA." Le Sausage, for the win.

3. El Piloto is, in fact, Tool of the Century as he essentially states the following:
a. He was "undermined" by Vienna, as exemplified by the fact that when they got new bedroom furniture, he "measured the best way for the furniture to fit in the room, told Vienna it was the only way it would fit, and then she questioned my judgment by getting the tape measure herself."
b. He was "disrespected" by Vienna when she asked him directions, he told her how to get to the location, and then she used the GPS [at which point he ripped it down and threw it in the backseat].
c. He repeatedly instructed her not to interrupt him.
d. Even though this isn't solely El Piloto's handiwork, we would just like to note that Chris Harrison and he completely gang up on Le Sausage, which is Not Cool.

In the end, like most breaks ups, we are pretty sure the truth is somewhere in the middle between his claims of her selling him out and her claims he is a famewhore. Either way, we not so secretly hope that Le Sausage goes on to bigger and better things, and that network shows stop giving El Piloto work.

Stay tuned for next week, when Scrapbook's father shows off his taxidermy skillz.

KLo

The Big Fedotowsky Part 6: Come To My Garden

2010-06-29T02:18:00.000-07:00

oh oh oh The Big F Part 6 begins with a toy plane heading to . . . Istanbul (not Constantinople), Turkey!! Ali is feeling "really confident" about the last seven boys she has picked. But who is "just a friend," babies? Soon all shall be revealed.

But, Drama: Chris Harrison has knocked on Ali's hotel room door in the Most Inappropriate Attire for a Warm City Ever: a fuschia v-neck pull-over. And he has news: "Oddly enough, Jesse from last season, who is your BFF [and who never talked EVER until she got voted off], gave me some information that is legitimate, and we're going to call her right now." Chris Harrison starts to dial, and [we swear we are not making this up], the phone rings in our viewing residence. We nearly DIE as KMu suggests, "Hello. This is PMu." But no no no, the phone rings 10 times before Jesse finally picks up in Toronto. And she is, in the words of KMu, "a little hooched up for this call."
"And Jake. Is a Pilot!" says ABe.
Anyhow, Jesse wants the Big Fedotowsky to know that there is a "guy not there for the right reasons. Justin. I am sitting here with his girlfriend right now. Her name is Jessica." Oh, SNAP. And also, Sweet Valley High, what in all that is 1980s is that girl wearing? It is a blazer with the sleeves rolled up. And a giant heart locket. AND an I'm-getting-my-hair-cut-right-now-or, alternatively I-am-doing-a-face-mask-and-that-is-the-only-reason-I-am-using-this Hair Clip clip, evil step child of the banana clip. Straight up now tell her, is he really gonna love her forever (oh oh oh), or is she really caught in a Fashion Police hit and run?

As Jesse hands the ginormous cell phone to Jessica, Jessica starts to CRY. "Me and Justin [rage. RAGE.] have been dating for the past two years when he said, you know what, I am going on a show to get into the entertainment business. I want to get top 3 because then I will be well-known. So I took his head shot and bought him his suit. He told me when he got back that we would get married."
"I CALL BULLSH*T," Says ABe. And we have to acknowledge that somebody has had a secret girlfriend in the last several seasons, and it is really getting old.
But Jessica continues: "Justin actually contacted me, and that's when I kind-of [KIND OF?!?] put my foot down. Because I found out that he has another girlfriend in addition to me."

So Ali hangs up, and she is pissed. Chris Harrison powerfully contributes "sorry," and then shows Ali what can only be described as the Worst PhotoShop Job of a picture Ever: Jessica piggybacked onto Justin by some body of water, on CH's iphone. ABe could make that in 5 minutes. Maybe she will, and replace Jessica with KMu. And then replace Justin with HOT JESSE or maybe Pasha from So You Think You Can Dance. Sometimes we are sad that our identities are a Thinly Veiled Secret because how fun would that be.

ANYWAY, Chris Harrison is completely useless, telling Ali to "be strong" as she marches down the hall to the boys' residence. Ali, gentle readers, believes in "being good to people. And kicking their asses when they aren't good to" her. In this moment, we love Ali, even if she is completely inappropriate in calling Justin RR out in front of all the other dudes. She is "shaking, because she is so angry," and there was a "fire in her eyes," says Scrapbook. Roberrrrrto hauls her down to sit beside him on the sofa and encourages her to calm down. "Calma te" whispers KMu. Oh, Roberrrrto, how we have missed thee.

And Justin Rated R totally bails! He walks out of the room with his passport and his wallet. "That MoFo was wasting everyone's time," comments Criagslist, to whom we are becoming endeared. But Justin RR has now blindly walked INTO THE HOTEL GARDEN instead of, you know, out the front door, and so Ali is ultimately able to block his progress on a little footpath, demanding that he "talk like a man." JRR demands that she not "touch him" and moves past her. The rest of the boys, now giddy in the window watching this little show, take a break to all go to the bathroom together. Okay, not really, but they ARE giddy and Scrapbook DOES say "his shirt shouldn't have said 'Justin Rated R.' It should have said 'Justin.. . . . Liar." Clever, Scrapbook.

JRR, having finally found his way out of the garden [via cutting through the bushes and then scaling a fountain. seriously.], starts wandering the streets of Turkey as CH and Ali sit together outside. . . and then JRR comes BACK. We give the Big Fedotowsky some serious credit here, as she notes that he ran away until he could figure out what he wanted to say, and now he's back. And he's back with a story: "With me and Jessica [RAGE] . . . Yeah, I have strong feelings for her, but she's probably like my best friend. I went into this process with an open heart, but as it's gone forward, my connection to you has gotten less and less." Ali asks him why he didn't just tell her that YESTERDAY, and calls him on being a liar because Jessica is saying he has been calling her, he has another girlfriend, etc. He swears he was not calling her, blah blah blah blah, until . . . .

Babies, after nearly a decade, ABC has given us its first Truly Poetic Moment. Justin RR storms off to the sound of forlorn guitar, as we hear in the background: "First saved message. Jessica, this is Justin. Why can't you pick up the phone? You are my everything. I wrote this for you tonight [insert crappy poem]. I love you." And then "second saved message." and "third saved message." Justin, you should know more than anyone, in ABC's hotel, someone is always watching.

What do we need to get over this Tragedy? A date with Tyumbo!!! "Let's get steamy," says the date card, and we know we are in trouble. This feeling is only confirmed when Ali shows up in a min-vest. A VEST, for all that is holy. But Tyumbo is equally bad, wearing all sorts of costume jewelry including a lapel pin (on a white button down), a giant disc on a leather strap around his neck, and a huge bracelet. Of course, he keeps virtually all of this on as they head to the turkish bath. We are pretty sure that women are not supposed to be in there, but that does not stop Ali and Tyumbo from wearing huge tableclothes and soaping each other up. We are SO not feeling Tyumbo, who we are pretty sure is the dumbest man left this season. ABe concurs, "You know it's bad when you see a 1/2 naked man and are not attracted." They kiss, we are grossed out, and on to the next step on this date: dinner.

So at dinner, Ali has some questions for our friend Tyumbo. Like, what, exactly, happened to end his marriage. And the following ensues:
Tyumbo: "lots of things, building up."
Ali: "Like what? Who offered up the divorce papers?"
Tyumbo: "I did."
Ali: "Why? Did your ex-wife work?"
Tyumbo: "She did, and that was a big part of the problem. And it took me living a little after that divorce to realize that women are presidents of companies and CEOs. I was so closed growing up, that I never saw that."

STOP THE PRESSES. He got a DIVORCE because his WIFE WORKED?!!?!?! This boy is 31. He was practically born in the 1980s. And he got a divorce like, 5 minutes ago. We are so flabbergasted that we have no words, except that Ali is a damn fool for saying the following:
Ali: "I have concerns [CONCERNS?!?] but am giving you this rose."
Tyumbo is every bit as bad news as Justin RR, and we are En Fuego that they are now dancing in the street to some vuvuzela imported from South Africa to make us all feel yet further enraged. We have no use for any of these people.

How fortunate that back at the Hyatt (nothing like Americans' total inability to experience a culture by actually living in it) the next date card comes for Cape Cod Chris, Roberrrrto, and Craigslist. WTF, Frank Funke gets another 1:1 date? Despite this good news for him, he is actually jealous of the other boys for getting to spend time with her, because that is what he does. We feel really bad for Craigslist, who has not had a 1:1 date. And also, we love C-cubed's "Cuba Libre" t-shirt. We hope he knows what it means.

As these four wander the streets of Turkey, they spy Ali up in a tower waving them over. "We had a little Rapunzel moment," says Scrapbook. Sweetheart, if you tried to climb Ali's hair extensions, we promise you it will end badly. But he finds a door, and they all head into a 15th century tower of some sort to drink beer and olive oil wrestle. That's right, four oiled up men in black leather pants have arrived. Sounds like a gay bar on a slow Saturday night.

But these men, gentle readers, are professional Olive Oil Wrestlers. Which is, apparently, a real sport in Turkey. And the four unlucky men on this date are going to have to fight these oiled persons. "Seeing these guys get oiled up to fight for my love was pretty hot," says Ali. We only feel bad for the boys, as we watch watering cans of olive oil being rubbed all over them, and then it starts to rain. And we feel especially bad for Craigslist, who is the First Lawyer Ever to win this Viewer's Endorsement on this show, however tepid.

Poor Craigslist is the only non-athlete in the bunch. But this boy is determined -- with 1:1 time with ALi on the line (but no rose), he manages to beat out Scrapbook, and then Roberrrto (who previously beat Cape Cod Chris), to get dinner with Ali!! Yay, Craigslist!!! He also gets the Best Award Ever: A statue of black pants stuck on a piece of wood. We would keep this award for ever and ever if we were to win it.

Oh oh oh, but Craigslist has no chemistry with Ali. He is nice and sweet, but there is no kissing going on -- even when watching fireworks off the backside of a boat. And also, as he earnestly confesses to her that he will be upbeat and positive, as he has on this journey heretofore, into the future, she turns sideways from him. We are so sad for you, Craigslist!!! We are Confident that the axe will be falling for you shortly.

Back at the Hyatt, Frank Funke is jealous AGAIN. He grouses about Ali being on a boat date with Craigslist, even though his own 1:1 date is coming right up. We have no use for you, crapnugget film student. Soon, his date card arrives, and with this shiny new toy, he is happy again: "The Road to Love is Bizarrre." Roberrrto, whom ABC has not shown enough of this episode despite our explicit warning [damn you, ABC], notes dejectedly that it's hard to watch Mr. Funke get two 1:1 dates when some guys haven't had any.

So now we must tolerate another date with Frank and Ali, which might be summed up as Ali glowing as KLo seethes from the sofa. Frank wants to buy an economy size aphrodesiac at the market! Frank tries an ugly hat! Frank is all hot for Ali in a bellydancing outfit, even though the bottoms are on wrong! Once upon a time, this viewer was a bellydancer. And our name was "Spazzgandhi." True story, of which that is all you will get. Back to Frank Funke: He looks at carpets! Oh, he buys a carpet!! For Ali, "nothing has changed" between them -- they are back to their old chemistry and could not be happier.
ABe suddenly realizes that Ali actually LIKES a hipster.
omg. We think ABe is right. And we weep for Ali, but only a little because she picked that damn idiot Tyumbo and really, this whole Frank business is just consistent with that run of bad taste.

As Frank Funke and Ali walk into their dinner location, some sort of hallway filled with water, we realize that we would instantly fall asleep eating here. There are candles. There is water. There is darkness and quiet. Whether it be sleep deprivation or our secret double life as a vampire, we would be comatose within five minutes. But not Frank: "I am with an amazing girl, right in the middle of this cistern!!!" says he. Word to the wise, Frank: Watch for floaters.

But then, in true Film Studen style, he says:
Mr. Funke: "When I get down, it's like you swoop in and rescue me at the right moment." WTF.
And then: "I know for me, I want to propose only once. I want to be married only once. So for me, it's just getting to that point with you."
KMu: "Well, you came to the right place to find a spouse."
PMu: "I hear Le Sausage is available."
But Ali has not heard the irony in this little speech. Oh no, because now they are kissing. And we don't even care about THAT, has he has a thumb ring. A THUMB RING, babies. We hope it turns his thumb green.

Of course he gets the rose. Dammit.

And soon we are at the Rose Ceremony. Except there will BE no rose ceremony this time, because The Big F has Made Up Her Mind. We are a little sad about this because we have not seen Roberrrto and were hoping to do more of that at le ceremonia de la rose, but suddenly, there he is on the stairs!!! We rewind five times. As she forces the boys to stand before her (in the ugliest cocktail dress ever. Is it a swimsuit pull-over? A can-can dress? An ace bandage for her shoulder?) she does what we all knew she would. To join the least deserving boys in the bunch, Tyumbo and Frank Funke, she picks:
1. Roberrrrrto (yay!)
2. Cape Cod Chris, and
3. Scrapbook.

Craigslist is going home. We knew this was coming. We were prepared for it. But what we were not prepared for is that Craigslist completely outclasses Ali, thanking her for everything, earnestly telling her that everything he said the prior evening was true, and then crying a little in the car, as she was like "no girl he has ever met before." That is because you are a lawyer, Craigslist. And you probably run into legal women. And we are ALL batshit. We heart you, Craigslist, and know you will do well in life.

Next stop in our Tour of Shame: Lisbon, Portugal. We don't really know what happens there, as suddenly ABC is messing with us by showing clips of the entire remaining season, in which we are VERY concerned as we do not see Cape Cod Chris.

-- Peace,
KLo

The Big Fedotowsky Part 5: Ice Ice Baby

2010-06-24T03:43:00.000-07:00

Oyve, babies. We are really striking out this season with the vacaciones and the work-related absences. We hope you forgive us, as we now are risking TORNADOS and CERTAIN DEATH to blog from our bathroom (center of the house, no windows) because we Cannot Go Another Day Without You [Update: After writing the entire BNU earlier this week, we lost our interwebs connection in a storm before the BNU could be uploaded. RAGE.]. So. . . as we said on Monday night, "Let's all get cozy round the chocolate." (meaning fondue). Or, as PMu said, "You mean ABe?" Regardless, we are going to ICELAND.

We are so relieved that ABC has provided a little pane to tell us how to get to Iceland from New York. Yet we *almost* don't care because there is a volcano. And it is exploding. So when we were in junior high (ahdn high school and college and now), we were obsessed with volcanos. We don't care if they smell like an egg's ass. We heart them. And we have watched every single disaster film involving them with unadulterated delight -- including Dante's Peak, which in our humble opinion is Saying A Lot. But now Tyumbo is blathering on about not thinking anyone ever went to Iceland to find love (except this viewer. with a volcano.) And Mr.s Donovan is worrying about the *right* moment to the Tattoo of Idiocy. So we must leave our volcanic dreams behind us until . . .

Mother of God. This may be the Best Episode Ever. Chris Harrison greets the surviving gents, announcing that there shall be a group date, a 1:1 date, and a 2:1 date. And the boys must compete for the 1:1 date by WRITING A LOVE POEM. In one hour. Extra credit for working in an Icelandic word. Scrapbook is extremely excited, as Cape Cod Chris just wants to make Ali happy, and Mr.s Donovan has "got this." So does Frank Funke. Mr. Funke, gentle readers, has written "tons of love poems." We suspect that he is also one of those men who monopolize the karaoke machine in the bar, singing love song and drinking pink things with umbrellas until thisside of trashed. But suddenly, Not Trista's Ryan has opened his mouth! We don't hear what he has to say, so shocked are we.

And off we go:
1. Tyumbo: something something about how Ali can "rock" anything she wears (including the ginormous bunny butt she has shoved on her head).
2. Craigslist: "At the end of this journey. I want to be your man." Oh come on, Craigslist. Use that big ol' expensive legal education. Throw in a little "heretofore" and a dash of Latin. We are so disappointed.
3. Mr.s Donovan: "In the mind and heart of one thought, my body is cold as Ice (he's willing to sacrifice, My Loves). The belief in what's to come. Transformed that thought to become very precise."
4. Justing RR: "When I look at you, you could be the one."
5. Cape Cod Chris: "I want to take you to meet the fam. I'll even make you some eggs and ham."
6. Not Trista's Ryan: "Ali. I believe. We need to go out. Heat up. Iceland. And head out. The [something] that have been waging out here today. Have brought me. These thoughts to say. I want to melt down. This is pretty much me. Getting to know you. Um, I forgot my lines."
7. Frank Funke: "Some time ago, I traveled overseas [for like six minutes]. Where a girl that I loved made me weak in the knees. Then I looked in your heart, new love blah blah blah blah."

We interrupt this Poetry Slam for a BNU Public Service Announcement: Run Ali, Run. Frank Funkek is that boy we all dated in college who took secret art shots of himself with his shirt off. Not Trista's Ryan is that date who "always liked a nice skirt steak." Justin RR is that boy who we always suspected Shaved His Chest. Mr.S Donovan is the same Art Shot Taker post-rejection, telling us that we look like an ostrich with short hair (that one still hurts us, babies). Craigslist is the first date who suggested, "let's blow this popstand." Tyumbo is the one who liked the "view from behind." Not Trista's Ryan is, well, oh dear. The point being: All of these people are a World Of No. They are the stories one keeps in the Secret of One's Heart until they burst forth Unbridled onto the interwebs for everyone to see that yes, the World Can Be A Better Place if just one more woman is saved from men who wear mesh shirts and yet still go on to author self-help books. That is all.

Scrapbook wins the contest. Not only does he walk TO the Big Fedotowsky to poetize her, but he also had some sort of nice poem that we did not write down because none of these were worth the ink. But Scrapbook is thrilled because "we've built a good connection." yes yes, she likes your shoes, you like her purse.

So on Scrapbook's 1:1 date with Ali, they go . . . shopping together. We are already fighting hard against the conviction that Scrapbook is Secretly Gay, and it is Not Helping when he tries on a series of womens' clothing, only to settle on matching mohair sweater outfits with Ali. And he hasn't dated anyone for longer than one year. AND he is nervous to tell the Big F his "history." DOUBLE AND "To be honest with you, I've dated some great women. I can't say a bad thing about them." Gay. Gay. Gay.

But then: As Scrapbook and Ali eat dinner at the Himmelhausensomething, he reveals that five years ago, he was 8th in the country in the 1500 run, and suddenly got so sick he didn't think he would live. After tests and doctors and research, his mom figured out that the house he had moved into was previously condemned for mold, babies! And it had poisoned him! Oh!!!! And through this life-altering experience, he has realzied that he wants to find that partner who makes him a better person!! We feel bad bad bad now. Of course, Ali gives Scrapbook a rose, which we feel he should give to his mother. We have a newfound respect for Scrapbook.

Meanwhile, back at the Hilton (because that is totally where WE would stay if we were in Iceland too), we have learned that the group date is for Roberrrrrto, Cape Cod Chris, Not Trista's Ryan, Craigslist, Tyumbo, and Frank Funke. Oooo, this means Mr.s Donovan and Justin R R are going on the 2:1. As Mr.s Donovan freaks out to the window, Frank Funke comments that he feels this experience may be pushing Mr.s Donovan "off the ledge." You see, Mr.s Donovan "got this tatto to be a man. To be a man for that woman." Now it's "do or die" time. Mr.s D is a "dreamer. Believer. He has the heart to love. He has the heart to give. Physical pain means nothing to him." He "likes pain, but emotional pain will destroy" him. Good grief.

There are so many things wrong with tis that we don't even know where to start. And also, if a person is going to get a tattoo to "be a man," it ought to be something like a big hamburger. Or a lawn mower. You know, if we are going to talk stereotypes.

Oooo, but here is the group date!!! As Ali greets the boys, Tyumbo must comment that she "looked awesome standing there with eight horses." Of course he must say something like this. And also, WTF. Unfortunately, Tyumbo is a big cowboy, and so he is able to Rock This Date like no other dude can rock it. We are only mollified by the City Slickers music playing in the background as we are treated to minute after minute of horseback riding around on a tundra. Except this is our thing (all of us). Just this very day, we were treated to a Most Painful Conversation from Which We Could Not Escape. And it was the following:
Receptionist at Doctor's Office: 'My niece works with horses all day long. She does the breeding. You know, she just hooks them up and gets the . . . stuff. They get paid a lot for that, but they don't do it very often. I don't know why, because it's just hooking up the machine and then waiting 10 minutes for the "stuff." So my niece, she hooks the horses up to the machine a lot more than the others do. She doesn't date now, but I told her that when she starts dating men, she's going to be really disappointed.'
KLo: [insert strangled silence].
And this, my gentle readers, is the THING THIS VIEWER CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT as she watches the boys fanny around on horseback until the Big Fedotowsky stops beside a giant hole in the ground and exclaims, "why, whatever is this?!?" Sayeth KMu: "This is like one of your damn romance novels, KLo." Sayeth Tyumbo, "Oh my gosh, we're fixin' to go in a cave!" Sayeth Cape Cod CHris, for the win: "What's gonna happen next? We're gonna play with snakes?"

C-cubed, super-sly, manages to get himself down in the cave first, convincing Ali to follow for a little 1:1 time. As he gentlemanly offers Ali his gloves when her fingers get cold, KMu mutters something about "fun and games" and "someone loses a digit." Meanwhile, Frank Funke is off in a corner whining about how he has "traveled halfway around the world to fall in love with Ali. Now I'm on a date with all of these guys." Though we have Refused to Record all previous complaints, we have now Had It. As has, apparently, Ali, who notes that Mr. Funke has been "non-existent" on this date. So has ABC's filming of Roberrrrto, which is breaking our hearts. Damn you, ABC.

Anyway, the group survivies the cave, only to travel to Blue Lagoon Islan, a lake that has "healing powers." We sing "oh healing river," as KMu becomes convinced that Wilfred Brimley is going to scream for them all to come in the water any minute. Instead, we get Ali stripping down to a swimsuit, with the menfolk scrambling after her to findn and don swim trunks. We see crack!!! So excited are we with the hopes that said crack belongs to Roberrrrto that we rewind three times to discover it is . . . Le Crack de Craigslist. We feel that someone has put a pickle in our peanut butter sandwich.

By now, the BIg Fedotowsky is getting drunker by the minute. "Wanna go exshplore?" she asks Cape Cod CHris, as the two go off into the corner of the pool. We secretly love C-cubed, not only for rhyming "fam" with "ham," but also for convessing that he feels cloudy in his head when he kisses the Big F. But blah blah Frank Funke is jealous. He becomes even more jealous as Tyumbo steals Ali away for more kissing in the corner. Finally, Mr. Funke is able to break Ali away into some random room, where she chastises him for being absent mentally. "It's not about them," says she. "It's about whether WE have something."
"Do we?" broodingly asks Frank.
SERIOUSLY?!?!??? Stupid film student fake artist crapnugget.

Fortunately, after "serioussshly the most ammmazzzihng day," Ali decides that, "Tonight, I'da lihke ta give the roze ta the guy who no mattehr what happensh alwayhs was there for me." Tyumbo. Aaaaaand .. . . Frank gets jealous.

But once again, back at the Hilton, Justin RR is making big plans fo rthe night. He has gotten his cast off, and is now in a Molly Brown Boot (which our sister once hawked during her musical theater days in Branson, MO. True story. We have one at home, with a garter around it.). Mr.s Donovan is a basket case in a burberry scarf. Maybe it is just us, but we siimply do not feel that a man should wear burberry. Particularly with the itty bitty patent leather boots he is wearing. He looks like a doll our mother made when we were little. Mr.s Donovan hopes that "when I show her my tattoo, it will prove that I will go through any amount of pain to find love with her." Oh, he is such a Smart Cookie.

Soon, Ali is picking up Justin RR and Mr.s Donovan in a helicopter to fly over a VOLCANO. We suddenly don't care about the rest of this date, and become irrationally annoyed when the helicopter carrying Ali and the Twin Peaks keeps getting in the way of the image of the volcano errupting. This is the coolest date ever, and we feel very sad for ALi that she must share it with these two guys. Particularly when the go into an ice cave to sit on. . . a Brown Kitty. Then again, maybe it's the ame Kitty from Season Big Daddy through the present, now showing its travel-stained self when laid against fresh ice. If Fur Could Talk.

So as Ali and Justin RR chat inside the ice cave, poor Mr.s Donovan sits outside it, sipping hot chocolate in his damn burberry scarf. Justin RR says nothing new but manages not to come across as completely batshit, so we know he will be safe. And then it is Mr.s Donovan's turn. Says Ali, "Back in NY, I asked Kasey not to be so mushy gushy. THe only thing he has to be now is . . . normal."

Really, Big F? That is not even an entire step above this viewer's requirements of Cleanliness and Presence. And that is just sad.

And yet, Mrs. Donovan cannot do it. As ALi and the Big F sit together in the cold. Mr.s D asks "how do I prove my sincerity? My genuine heart? I got a tattoo."
Ali: "What?!? When?"
KMu: Let me translate: "You CRAZY."
Mr.s Donovan: "If you count the studs, 11 studs. There are 11 studs chasing you [and, as we learned from our dear friend the receptionist, when one of them finally catches up, she will be so disappointed]. When I got this, it changed my life in so many ways. When you give me the final rose, I'll be giving you one too." Aw, looks like Mr.s Donovan has decided to give Ali his "flower."

We all know where this is heading, so let's just get it over with: Justin RR gets the girl. As they fly off in the helicopter, Mr.s Donovan is left to walk the frozen tundra by himself after telling her he "hopes it works out." Harsh.

Finally, we are at the rose ceremony.

Frank Funke gets a little 1:1 tiime, in which he says he learned a big lesson at the group date about remaining engaged in the process. We are disappointed in Ali because she seems to be doing all the work for him, trying to keep him in the game. Craigslist, with whom Ali has zero chemistry, pleasantly surprises us in the 1:1 time, showing her a fake tattoo a la Mr.s Donovan and joking about how he is an expert in group dates. But when it comes to Not Trista's Ryan, we are hiding behind the afghan once again. Ali wants to know something about him, and he literally says the following:
"My ex-girlfriend said that I was so funny."
[chirp chirp]
"I like Mexican food."
Our favorites (all of us) are still cape Cod Chris and Roberrrrto. C-cubed says that if he could be half the husband his father was, he would be awesome (oh!!!!) and Roberrrrto is generally his sweet self.

But now it's time for the pickin.' After Chris Harrison plays armchair psychologist and suggests to Ali that she is not ready to "let herself" fall in love, she insists that there are a few boys she could maybe almost sorta see herself with in the future. And she picks, to join Tyumbo and Justin RR. . .
1. Frank Funke
2. Cape Cod Chris
3. Roberrrrrto
4. Craigslist.

Yup, Not Trista's Ryan is going home, a "little shattered." Stay tuned for next week, when we are in Istanbul, Turkey, Tyumbo gets a 1:1 date, and someone has a girlfriend!!!! (and also, if this viewer does not get to see more of Roberrrrto, we are going to Stage A Revolt.)

-- KLo

BNU Part Teensy TIme Delay

2010-06-22T03:58:00.000-07:00

Babies, work demands call.
We must wait a few hours to get back to y'all.
The BNU shall ride again tonight,
rather than with the early morning sunlight.
Our love for all the bachelors shall be shown.
Almost like Frank Funke's shitty love poem.

-KLo

The Big Fedotowsky Part 4: Unicorn Love

2010-06-15T00:21:00.000-07:00

Babies, we have some exciting news. The Bachelorette will be taking her boys. . . .around the world!!!! We are pretty sure that this is also a Kissing Game that we would not want our fictional daughters playing in any person's closet. Amendment: except with Roberrrrrrrrto. Or HOT JESSE. Anyway, "How far would you travel to fall in love?" asks Chris Harrison. Well, back in our experimental internet dating days, exactly 30 miles from home and no further. And so begins Part 4 of the Big Fedotowsky.

We are immediately irritated by Ali, who is wandering the streets of NYC with over-the-knee boots (we know they are popular, but cannot get past the chafing) and, what is that? "She actually looks stylish there with her fake hair," says ABe. The Big Fedotowsky is going for a "Fashion Consult," with some person named Paul, gentle readers. You know, to pick a "series of outfits to feel the best." We are torn between wanting our own Fashion Consult and our sincere belief that said consult can Only Lead To Bad Things, such as a forced separation from our fuzzy pants. Ali claims not to be a Fashion Person, which we can confirm by the fact that she is wearing ginormous pink heart earrings. We may or may not have once possessed two sets of wooden earrings (giraffes and parrots), but it was the 90s then. And also, this viewer is not on the In Style Fashion Shoot (surprise). We watch Ali pose with Paul and her various outfits for In Style and secretly think about how boring this show became ever since they introduced the Photo Shoot.

Oh, but here we have a little plane going from LA to NYC, just so that we know where it is!!! And the boys were given a webcam to film their sojourn, which we thankfully don't see much of.

Soon, the first date card is upon us:"Let's do what comes naturally." And it's for . . . Mrs. Donovan!! We are terrified that we will not understand a word of this date. "Mwah mwah mwah could be better spending time with Ali" Mwah mwah mwah. Oh my. Mrs. Donovan has been "wanting this date soooo bad," my dears. He wants to "capitalize on this unrealized potential." It is like he is talking through cellophane. But as Ali appears, Mrs. Donovan loses his shizz: "You can't fantasize how good that woman looks. So many emotions are going through my mind and body that I can't even put a pinpoint on them right now." We don't know what to say.

Fortunately, Cape Cod Chris does: "When Kasey thinks about Ali, he thinks of doves flying up behind her, cupid hitting her with an arrow, hearts floating behind her head, magically running towards each other with unicorns in a meadow. I don't think of her that way. Not like Unicorn Love." ahahahaa. So, this viewer's sister went through an extended period of deep and abiding Unicorn Love during her tween years, which very nearly resulted in a bedroom papered with unicorn head walpaper. Now we know where said paper came to rest.

Anyway, off Mrs. Donovan and Ali go on a helicopter . . . to a picnic location on some beach. Did Ali take Mrs. D to Staten Island? All we are hearing from Mrs. Donovan is "oh man. No way. Wow." Mrs. Donovan, babies, views Ali as this "beautiful butterfly" looking for love. Yes yes, butterfly in the sky. I can fly twice as high. "Just take a look, it's in the book, the reading rainbow!!!!!" sing KMu and ABe. But suddenly, we are blindsided by an Afghan Moment, having seen nothing of this date whatsoever, when Mrs. Donovan breaks into real and SUDDEN AND UNEXPLAINED STREAM OF CONSCIENCE SONG: "When I was flyyyyying. In the heeeeelicopter over this amazing CIty. I looked to my left. And there I saaaaaw something. So PRETty. [insert awkward pause]. And at the eeeeend. Of tooooonight . I am not just your Average Joe. But I hoooope in my hindsiiiight. I'll see and find a rose."

Oh. My. God. All we hear is the cacaw of the turkey vulture circling Mrs. Donovan, waiting for Ali to walk away so that it can Rip Out His Vocal Chords.

But it continues. Off we go to see dinosaurs in the Museum of Natural History. Ooo, is is this where El Piloto lives? (Jake? Is a Pilot !?!). Ali admits that Mrs. Donovan is a "little cheesy" with the singing, but "hopes he can be real." Our confidence in his abilities to do just that is waning, as Mrs. Donovan yells "HA" to scare Ali and then chases her around the museum to a musical interlude by Saved By the Bell, until coming to rest in front of some Apes, who he "talks to," about Ali. At this point, we are so traumatized that it Cannot Get Any Worse. Until . . . .

Stuffed Kitty. Under a dinosaur. In the middle of the floor. With votives all around. As Mrs. Donovan and the Big Fedotowsky are eating dinner on the Kitty Re-Imagined, she asks him: "How is this different from your other relationships?"
"Well, this girl's real," says KMu.
But Mrs. Donovan goes full-on Boiled Bunny: "One reason, and one reason only. Because you're Ali. I can honestly say that I choose to be here for you at this moment. I choose you. And I hope that someday, you can choose me." He wants Ali to "jump in and stay awhile" in his heart, gentle readers. And he is prepared to Guard and Protect hers. And then he SINGS AGAIN: "The niiiight that I first saw you. I was staaaring through that glaaass. And I knew. At that first MOment. That you and I would laaaaast. On the beach in CalifornIA. You made me start to believe. And now we're in NY Cittyyyyyy, and it's just you and me. And tonight you've got this roooose, and I don't want to feel it's thoooorns [oh no he DIDN't]. And if you choose me Ali, I'll be forever yoooouuurs."

This viewer has been through many shit performances in her life, one of which involved a drama student singing "Iiiiiin flammaaaaatus. Iiiin flammatus et accccennnsus" off-key as DANCERS read BIBLE VERSES. yes, babies. This viewer has been Through The Fire. As such, we are wholly Unsympathetic for Mrs. Donovan when he says, to fill the awkward pause, that this song just kinda "came to him" because "that's what Ali does." She "inspires him."

Unfortunately for all of us, Ali is not as cut throat as are we. Though she hangs her head in shame and refuses to give Mrs. Donovan a rose, she KEEPS him. WTF.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the next date card has come for. . . Robeerrrrrrto, HOT JESSE, Craigslist (in a trucker hat. Sidways. RAGE.), Harry Potter, Frank Funke, and Scrapbook. Mr. Funke is totally uncharitable to Justin R-Rated, who must stay at home with silent film star, Not Trista's Ryan. "Go home, wrestler," says he. "You're not going to get a date. Ever." Harsh.

Off they go to Times Square ["Wait, did you see an SUV?" asks KMu], where The Big Fedotowsky is blowing pink hearts out of her mouth as the ticker tape reads, "If you want a rose, come find me." At . . . The Lion King. Mr. Potter opines that the "forecast looks good today." But we don't care, because the boys have found Ali and she is in a tiara. A TIARA, babies. And she wears said tiara right into dress rehearsal for "Can you Feel the Love Tonight?" sung by two POC to the tune of a piano played by a gay man. We love that ABC is sensitive to diversity. Says Scrapbook, "I've never seen a production like this before!!!" Sayeth KMu: "For the record, there is no production right now."

Only Robbeerrrrrto seems congizant of the fact that Thomas Shumaker, the producer of The Lion King, has won a Tony, and that this is a Big Deal. We love you, Roberrrrto (all of us) !!!! We are excited because the boys must Sing And Dance for a chance to have more 1:1 time with The Big Fedotowsky on this date. We are almost more excited by the fact that ABC has forced them to wear biker shorts, different colored t-shirts, and tennis shoes, which was also our sister's required uniform for the fitness portion of the Junior Miss Pageant.

Okay, so: HOT JESSE has the dancing down, and then loses it. And then someone has crazy legs. And then . . . KMu is lost in emotion: "I don't get attracted to asses that much, but Roberrrrto has a hot ass." Yes, yes he does. But we do not have much time to appreciate it, as we are now onto the singing. Tyumbo, who has rarely been seen without his guitar, cannot sing worth shit. But HOT JESSE, out of left field, can!! Sort of. We love us a hot woodworker who can keep a tune. And then, Roberrrrrrto. Oh oh oh he sings directly to Ali! Oh oh oh, this earns him a kiss. And he is the winner!! Surprise: they are going to be in the show. "I'm sorry," says ABE, "but I must point out that this is a show of POC. And the only POC got picked to be in it." Well, Ali too, who is sort of like a faux C with all the tan.

But we are eternally grateful to Mr. Shumaker because soon Roberrrrto is in costume. And that costume is a loin cloth. "I see myself in Roberrrto's circle of life," concludes ABe. Ali, conversely, is in a unitard with spanx underneath (which is the only way this viewer would wedge herself into a unitard ever again, either). Soon, they are practicing swinging in harnesses above the stage as Roberrrrto kisses the Big Fedotowsky's ladybits and the other boys look on like rejected crayons from the mezzanine. And then, it is show time: The boys' sulking has moved a private viewing room as Roberrrto and Ali swing around the stage. Roberrrto is fabulous, saying later that he got "really caught up" in the moment and will never forget the experience. Oh!!! A dancer is born!!! But not Ali, as she is CHEWING GUM the entire time. RAGE. We write this down, and then scream at her to spit out the gum. KMu, who has watched one too many episodes of So You Think You Can Dance with this viewer, translates: "take the f*cking note, Ali." Fortunately for Ali, her transgressions are seen by only a limited few. As the camera pans the audience, ABE observes, "Clearly this was a matinee."

Now we are at a bar, and Scrapbook is wearing a white tie and black shirt. Craigslist is being a tool, which is consistent with his profession, and Mr. Potter is over-analyzing everything. Says Roberrrrto, "the forecast for the weather man: we have a high pressure system coming in." Ha ha, did we say we love him? But he is ripped away from our eyes too soon, as Frank Funke steals Ali for some 1:1 in a rainstorm. Because she is sick, and that is a really good idea. And he drags her out into said rainstorm for this:
"What do you think about . . . . how I'm feeling?" he asks.
Film student tool.
Craigslist goes more for the hard sell in his 1:1 time: "I'm driven, I'm ambitious, and I know you are too." As they talk, Mr. Potter hovers anxiously nearby until finally working up the courage to attempt an interruption. . . only to be shot down by Craigslist with a "give us a couple more minutes." We do not see the charm in Craigslist, who in this viewer's opinion is rather like a Turbo Charged Guppy. Finally, the night ends with 1:1 time for Scrapbook. We hate to say it, but Scrapbook actually earns some points by walking Ali up to her room, NOT making out with her, and then sitting awkwardly on the edge of the bed while she falls asleep before blowing out the candles and leaving.

The Big F does NOT give a rose out on this date, as she is feeling poorly.

At last, we have our final date card, for Cape Cod Chris!!! It is his birthday today, so. "Get ready to take a bite out of the Big Apple!" reads the card. Except: crisis. Ali is really sick, and so the day must be changed to . . . time spent with her in her suite. Oooo, he brings her flowers! And not icky flowers, but nice ones! Oooo, and chicken soup!!!! As they talk about the fact that he left NY to be with his dying mother, he reveals that she told him to look for her in rainbows on her death bed (now Abe and Kmue are crying). We like him more and also wonder if ABC will change his age from "34" to "35" on his little electronic name badge.

The Big Fedotowsky rallies as a result of the chicken soup, and decides to take Cape Cod Chris out to eat for seafood. Mmmm, fishes. But we are mainly focused on her spangly jacket that has yet more shoulder pads. We hate this little jacket. The date ends with Cape Cod Chris getting a rose as they dance to music of Joshua Redin on the roof: "I am waiting. . . under a streetlight." We are a little concerned because Cape Cod appears to kiss awkwardly, but we are willing to go with it Just This Once. And also, we have a soft spot for anyone who would wait for us under a streetlight. Except a hooker.

But there is drama back at the house: Mrs. Donovan has gone missing. "We put an ABP out on him. Amber alert." says Mr. Potter. Where could he possibly be?!? "I snuck out today, and it's probably the biggest day of my life. Ali questioned my sincerity, questioned my heart. And so now I'm going to do something I've never in a million years dreamed of doing" and he enters . . . a tattoo parlor. Because nothing says commitment like a tattoo. Just ask Britney. He is getting a heart with a shield, babies. Because that's what he said he would do: Guard and Protect her heart. We just know this is going to work out for him.

And the rose ceremony is upon us! Mrs. Donovan, having worked up the ire of Justin R-Rated and (maybe) others for claiming that he was at the hospital because he burned his wrist, is now the target of Justin's determination to Reveal the Truth because he Cannot Stand A Liar. As we bow our heads in honor of irony, we nevertheless refuse him further air time. Justin RR's machinations are a significant portion of ye old rose ceremony night, but we are ready for JRR to go home and so we refuse, as the BNU guidelines permit, to discuss him. We are much more interested in Harry Potter, whom we learned canNOT sing at all during the Lion King audition, and yet who has nonetheless taken out a guitar to sing to Ali. Because he is, apparently, a "singer/songwriter." We hate to say it, but Craigslist earns a point for making a face about "another guy singing."

Except we must return to Mrs. Donovan, because after all of the calling out by Justin RR, he calls all the guys together to reveal . . . the tat. "I was questioned by the wrestler about whether I was here for the right reasons," says he [everybody drink]. He then dramatically displays his tattoo and says, "I've got a shield protecting the heart, and then I've got the rose. And I put 11 stones in the shield because there are 11 of us left. And you guys are the diamonds in my shield." Tyumbo is now biting his cheek so that he does not laugh. Frank Funke later says, "Getting a tattoo. That proves nothing, except that you're nuts."

So in Mrs. Donovan's 1:1 time with Ali, we are all on pins and needles (okay not really. More like the sofa eating baklava) as Mrs. Donovan announces that he has brought Ali her favorite candy, because "he always wants his favorite candy when he's sick." The last thing this viewer wants when she is sick is candy. Particularly candy that Mrs. Donovan has already eaten part of, which appears to be the case here. But Mrs. Donovan is unstoppable, fervently saying: "I came here. I came here for you. I took to heart what you said, and I thought about it. So I have something to show you real quick. . . . " and Frank Funke comes in. Awesome.

In the end. Mrs. Donovan never shows Ali his creeptastic tattoo. Which is probably why, to join Cape Cod Chris with roses, Ali picks:
1. Scrapbook (in the same white tie and black shirt as worn on the group date)
2. Frank Funke (is he wearing a fleece under his jacket?)
3. Craigslist (WHAT?)
4. Not Trista's Ryan (who probably got a rose for being totally mute)
5. Roberrrrrtoo. Ha cha cha.
6. Justin Rated-R. Boo.
7. Tyumbo. Double Boo.
8. Mrs. Donovan.

WHAT?!?! She dumped HOT JESSE? And Harry Potter? This is completely understandable, to some degree, but in the world of men-who-are-not-going-to-last-another-episode-anyhow, why why why could she not keep HOT JESSE and ditch Mrs. Donovan and Justin RRated. This is a serious lapse in judgment. We are sad for HOT JESSE as he walks away, opining that she may just be more of a city girl than him, but that he's happy to get back to his dogs.

Stay tuned for next week, when we go to Iceland, Scrapbook wears a mohair sweater, and we learn that Mrs. Donovan got his tattoo "to be a man" and also because he is "a dreamer. A believer."

-Peace,
KLo

The Big Fedotowsky Part 3: Man on a Wire

2010-06-08T02:19:00.000-07:00

Aaaand, we're back for the Big Fedotowsky Part 3, or the second episode in our Bachelorette double header. In case you are just tuning in, Part 2 is down below, in the nether regions of this Part, having only been written yesterday. Oh, there is no better love for you all than a smothering sort. Next week, we will not be recovering from vacaciones or (hopefully) vertigo, and shall be timely. We apologize.

Chris Harrison is once again meeting everyone in the living room to discuss Their Future. Though there are only 14 men left, we still don't know who several of these people are. "Has that person ever spoken," asks ABe about a certain gentleman who looks 2% Ryan of Ryan and Trista. We think his name is Chris N. At any rate, just like last week (or like, 12 hours ago for us), there will be 1 group date and 2 individual dates, and not everyone will have a date with Ali.

But we don't care, because Date Card #1 has arrived, and it is for Roberrrrrto!!!! Craigslist, in a horrifyingly plunging V-neck shirt not previously seen except on women in the J. Crew catalog, reads it: "Love is a balancing act." Oh, Roberrrrrto hops up, convinced that it is going to be a good day! We hop up, convinced that our eyes will not bleed fo rthe 15 minutes of air time that is this date. John C, the hotelier or something, worries that Ali does not even know his name.

Ali, who has just finished welding but not yet stepped into her tuxedo dickey with matching cuff links, walks towards the boys' house in an off-the-shoulder t-shirt with the arms ripped off. So once we were in Long John Silvers (oh yes, babies, we were) and the woman in front of us was both 400 lbs and wearing an oversized t-shirt with the arms ripped out. And no bra. We could NOT look away. And while The Big Fedotowsky looks muchy better in spirit, we still feel that this is the second cousin of Lady Long Johns, which is inadvisable.

The Big Fedotowsky has a picture in her mind of Roberrrrrto, who he is and what could happen (so does this viewer, taped to the inside of our bedroom closet. Le Sigh.). But what if he is not what she thinks? Oh oh oh but he IS. As Ali arrives to fetch him, he lifts her with the mighty strength of his one arm not also holding a beer, and compliments her on her appearance. OH! We instantly forgive both his compliment to Lady Long Johns and the fact that he is drinking already (as it is likely past 10 a.m., and this is essentially vacation for him, thereby signaling that it is a-ok).

They are going on a helicopter ride! Tyumbo whishes it was him with Ali, as he "figers she'll be holdin' ontah someone, and it aint' gonna be the pilot," due to her fear of flying. We are starting to really not like Tyumbo, who is not that smart and also appears to be one of those men who likes to "educate" the rest of the coven by dramatically making really obvious statements. But ooooooo, we like Roberrrrrto. He is kissing Ali's hand in the helicopter! He is telling her to hang onto him if she is scared! He is hugging her! And also, he is wearing a plaid shirt with the sleeves rolled up! We LOVE a plaid shirt!! As, apparently, does Ali. She concludes that Roberrrrto is "protective and manly," may be the person for her, and is certainly the person to go all Man on a Wire to get to dinner that evening.

Yes, babies, they are tight-roping it between two buildings, over a racing six-lane intersection, to get to a rickety dinner table on the other side. Ooooo. If we were that far up, we wuld most certainly pee ourselves, and our solitary comfort would be in the cars going by not noticing anything but a slight misting in the air.

Roberrrrto, still not screaming like a little girl, takes to the tightrope with complete calmness that we would not be feeling. "When you get nervous, look over at me and we're good," he says. Roberto! Ohhh!!!! After a cheesy little interchange about falling for each other, they walk across the tightropes, stopping in the middle for a First Kiss. We shall suspend our disbelief at the likely awkwardness of kissing whilst in a push-up against another person, trying nto to collapse and die a fiery death in traffic down below. Says Roberrrrto, "when I look in Ali's eyes, it's captivating. Makes me think of what could be." As they cross the finish line and turn to watch the sunset, he tells the Big F that he "really hopes to watch a lot more of these" with her. Okay, we LOVE Roberto.

But our love is momentarily ripped away, as we must watch the boys eating hamburgers back at the ranch. Steve is hoping he gets a date. We would like him to change his necklace first. Meanwhile Justin Rated-R is telling Harry Potter that if he had the cast off his foot, he would have been the guy in the helicopter instead of Roberto. We think Justin RR is being a tad presumptious here. Poor Cape Cod Chris, however, is more suitably humble, wishinghe could "make an adventure" with Ali.

And suddenly, it appears: Date Card #2! This is for a group date with, of course, a bunch of dudes whose names we miss but might include Scrapbook Kirk, John the Hotelier, Frank Funke, Harry Potter, Craigslist, and Cape Cod Chris. "Come on Rock my World" says the card. Mrs. Donovan concludes this must be a karaoke date and really wishes he could go along to seranade Ali. WHAT? We secretly wish we could hear a gerbil blow through a bagpipe, too.

Back on the Big Fedotowsky's date with Roberrrrrto, he is now revealing that Spanish is his first langauge, but that he also is a "languages guy" and learned some French and Italian because he wanted to travel to those places. We love him. LOVE HIM. And we do not quite know how he got stuck on this show. But ALi, focused on what is Most Important, worries if she's "pretty enough" for him. You know, which is "rare" because "not many guys can make her feel that way." Oh yes, ALi, we can COMPLETELY identify with you, as we frequently feel that we are far prettier than the rest of humanity as well. Thank God we have these sweatpants, to conceal All That Hotness.

Suddenly, Roberrrrto and Ali are lying awkwardly on the rooftop, heads beside the table from whence they just ate dinner, on a couple of blankets and throw pillows. We wonder where the Kitty could possibly be until KMu points out that it likely needed to retire after El Piloto and Le Sausage got to it last season. Okay, if it were this viewer, we would not be able to get off the floor. And also, we are confident that we would not be wearing a dress with shoulder pads, even if we were so Blindingly Pretty as to Pull It Off. But Ali, shoulderpads and all, requests that Roberrrrrto give her a kiss in Spanish (which she learned from a rap song). He, of course, gets the rose. YAY.

And now, the group date is upon us. Frank Funke is super-excited, as he is still so confident in his connection with the Big Fedotowsky as to be unworried of the competition. As the boys travel to a deserted section of LA, Cape Cod Chris worries that it "looks like there could be gang wars" where they are headed. Which would be AWESOME. And also, is the reason Ali, all blondified, is standing in the middle of a road by herself.

After hugs all around, the Big Fedotowsky takes her group of menfolk to hear. . . . the BARENAKED LADIES sing in a parking lot. WHAT? Scrapbook says "some of my best high school days were spent listening to their music." We love us some BNL, but what what WHAT are they doing here, and why why WHY are they going to shoot a music video with these people? This canNOT be real. Craigslist, who has never been in a music video before, mentions how jealous all his budies would be back home. Ah yes, we expect to find him on television in several months singing "Lawyers on the Square" to the tune of "Riders on the Storm," having recently discovered both a love of self-promotion, an inflated view of his own photogenicity, and a desire to marry the two in his career going forward.

At any rate, the Barenaked Ladies' new music video will be for the song "You Run Away." Which is "about trying to get someone to fall for you, but that person keeps running away." Frank Funke, full of wonder and Peter-Pan-Film-studentness, makes the deep deep connection between the experience of the song and Every Man: "This song. It's the situation we're all in with Ali." And Craigslist, practicing his lawyer skills to tell us what he's going to say and then tell us again, observes the song "is about love falling away from us. And we can all relate because we're 14 guys, and we all want Ali." A+ in 8th grade English, you two.

So now we have some scripts, and the men are comparing htem to determine who has the best. Scrapbook is pleased to "roll around and giggle and kiss." But Harry Potter, for whom the Big Fedotowsky is supposed to "succumb to passion" after pulling a book off a shelf, is a complete mess. Oh, a first kiss, and ON CAMERA in front of everyone?!? He can't handle it. Let's just pause for one moment in honor of irony. Craigslist, trying to be helpful, suggests, "Just imagine you are in the middle of a weather forecast and have to make out with a girl." Romantic.

First up for filming is Frank Funke, who just knows "by the way Ali is looking at me" as he puts sunscreen on her, that it's not "part of the scene." Oh, but a slap in the face is! Cape Cod Chris wants to wathc the slap 48 times, which is a little funny, but Frank Funke only had to endure 9 takes. Scene #2 is with John the Hotelier, something about her leaving the tub as soon as he gets into it. Scene #3, with our little Little Harry Potter, is sad. He wants it to be "really good," but, you know, if she "isn't comfortable kissing or something on screen," then he will completely be a gentleman and change the script. Again, a pause in honor of irony is necessary here. And also, Harry Potter is a Weenie Tot. Alli tells him to man up, the kiss is horrible, and Harry Potter consequently starts to CRY, babies. Which of course leads to a big hug, Ali giving him a "really good, passionate kiss," and ABe freaking out because HP then proceeds to chicken scratch the Big Fedotowsky's back. At this point, we are in full-on kissing mode as we blaze through the last few scenes. Chris N (who the frick is this person?) has some sort of scene along those linjes, and then Scrapbook clears the room by rolling around with Ali in fake bed, kissing as the crew shouts "cut cut CUT." Deeply observant, Frank Funke feels that things "aren't quite right."

At last, we are at dinner with a bunch of tea lights and HOT JESSE! We didn't know he was on this date! As ALi is off having 1:1 time with Cape Cod Chris, in which he reveals that his tattoo is of his dead mother's name, in her handwriting (a little creepy), Scrapbook is all "So, there are a couple of us that got kisses, like myself, but do you think it's enough to have a connection?" Seriously dude, that is the most pathetic attempt to rub salt in everyone else's wounds ever. And also, you look like a salmon. Frank Funke is still "confidnet" in his connection with Ali (you know, the one forged on a garbage heap at the end of the Hollywood Sign in Part 2, and that nothing could break). Harry Potter, in this viewer's windbreaker from 3rd grade, desperately wants to talk to Ali because he was "just nervous" with the kissing. After an incredibly awkward conversation with her, he is then confident that the safety rose will be his. ABe has no use for these delusions of grandeur, as she is en fuego over Ali's hair. "Extensions are only for black people!!!" she screams, followed by an apology for her "black people's turrets."

Because this date is interminable, Scrapbook now drags the Big F into the hot tup to "solidify" that what he felt with Ali while kissing her was "real." Frank Funke is becoming psychotic as the kissing continues, and we are all disappointed when Scrapbook gets the safety rose. We are only slightly molified by our opportunity to watch the music video just created. "The song represents a lot" of what Ali is "going through right now." You know, Running. Away.

We think this date is at last at an end, as date card #3 has arrived at the house: "Home is where the heart is," it says. And it's for . . . Hunter!!! Says Mrs. Donovan, "Mwah mwah maybe taking mwah San Francisco mwah?"

As Hunter is very uninteresting, we turn to a little intrigue happening at the house while Hunter gets ready for his date. Justin RR, babies, has decided that it is "crucial" to get more 1:1 time with Ali. Which is why he has hopped to the second POC to grace the show (a security guard, naturally) to point the way to Ali's house. Oh, he is going to visit her because, "Chris Harrison always says you've got to seize every moment." Okay, CH is NOT Mr. Miagi.

But by now, Hopalong Cassidy is heade3d down the road towards Ali's house. As the Big F is filming her intro for her date with Hunter ("I picked Hunter for the date today because our relationship has been so up and down. If he can't hang out with me, that's it." Oooo), suddenly Justin RR rounds the bend. Ali is, naturally, "shocked." Justin whips some photos out from somewhere (his cast? His underpants?) and tells his life story of an absentee father. We know we're supposed to like him, except he just hobbled two miles on crutches and Ali is now snuggled up in his armpit. Ew.

As Ali drives Justin RR back to the house, we see Hunter again, "ready to open up and let her see" himself in some "1:1 time between me and her." Rage RAGE against the bad grammar. Hunter looks like a monkey, but Justin RR is continuing his descent into the Pit of the Poop List, as he informs the group (without telling them where he'd been all afternoon) that he would "do anything to spend time at Ali's house" like Hunter is apparently getting to do.

While Ali warns that this is a make-it or break-it date for Hunter, they don aprons (because their "life together would be like" this) and make burgers. Ali confesses that she feels bad for her father, who changed jobs in order to support her mother through nursing school. Hunter says he'd happily stay at home if she wanted to have the main career, which we appreciate, but this is just not going well. After dinner, Hunter and Ali sit side by side in the hot tub talking awkwardly about nothing before he finally kisses. . . . her shoulder. One time, this viewer went on a first date in which the man in question talked of his business line of credit, heating appliances, and whipping up a little pretzel recipe for a party that evening. As our ears bled then, so too do our ears bleed for Ali. Hunter does not get the rose.

Back at the house, Mrs. Donovan is calling Justin RR out for claiming that he would give up "everything" for Ali. Justin dissolves into tears, saying yes he WOULD give up everything to have a family, that his dad wasn't there, and that he wants nothing more than to be there for his family. We are now confused, not knowing if this is real emotion or bullshit, particularly as Justin jubilantly screams "bye dude, we'll miss you" as the set guy comes to haul off Hunter's luggage. He is a little too celebratory, in our opinion.

But the rose ceremony is upon us, and we are loving Ali's dress, por fin. It is grey. It is sequiny in the right places. And we are even liking her some for giving a toast to Hunter at the beginning of the ceremony, which we feel is classy (all of us). First up: 1:1 time with Cape Cod Chris. Oh, they both love oysters and the see (nobody tell HOT JESSE). He is the oldest of three boys, likes to be active, and plays something or other called "flip flop." Meanwhile, Frank Funke and Scrapbook are talking about how they've gotten "a lot closer than all the other guys" to Ali, so now it's particularly hard to "watch this" as she hangs out with other men. Seriously, Frank Funke, what happened to your unchained melody of love?

In 1:1 time with Justin, Ali declares that the hiking to her house on crutches "showed me soooo much that he would do for me as my husband." Justin says that after said hike, a "particular individual" called him out regarding whether he was there for the "right reasons" (oh for the love, everybody drink). Ali compares him to Vienna, and before we can comment on how well THAT one worked out, Steve is setting up a private picnic for the Big Fedotowsky in the front yard. Okay, +10 for the picnic. . . . and =50 for the chapstick he slathers on before bringing her over for some champagne he can't uncork. After 5 minutes of straining and commentary by Steve about his delicate fingers, Ali is like "no seriously dude, let me do it." Steve later says he believes Ali was "attracted to" him for his inability to open the bottle, therby confirming that the Ways of Man remain a mystery for at least this viewer.

But as this is happening, the inevitable lynching of Justin RR has already begun. Tyumbo preaches slowly and methodologically to the crowd that with Justin, "we are seeing one thing. Ali sees another." Then another gem: "It's like Jekyl [place left hand in the air] . . . and Hyde [place right hand in the air]." Brilliant. Naturally, Justin RR bumps into this and discovers they are talking about him. Tyumbo, unrepentent, is all "yer two faced, man. Karma's a bitch. It's gonna come back and getchu." We hope that when Karma comes, she takes Tyumbo's guitar. And also, his ears (or ours, which might be better). Inevitably, Ali then reveals to Robeerrrrrrrto tha tJustin hopped over to her house before her date with Hunter, whihc leands to a big confrontation between Mrs. Donovan, Tyumbo and Justin RR, and yet more tears by Justin.

Mrs. Donovan is convinced that "justin is very creepy. It's all an act." While Craigslist, who claims he is a "professional bullshit detector" (ahahaha) sya she can spot it a mile away with Justin. In all of this, we heart Roberrrrto the most (we know, shocker) because he is measured. Instead of wailing and gnashing of teeth, Roberrrto simply says he'll be "disappointed if Justin stays." Oh!!!! Roberrrrrto.

And she picks (to keep with Roberrrrto and Scrapbook):
1. Cape Cod Chris
2. HOT JESSE (in denim). KMu wants him as a pinup. Or a body pillow.
3. Chris N (who is this guy. Seriously).
4. Tyumbo
5. Mrs. Donovan
6. Craigslist
7. Frank Funke
8. Harry Potter (nooooo. Weatherman. WTF).
9. Justin RR.

What?!? Steve is crying, as he and a couple other dudes we can't remember are going home. Steve was here for a longlasting relationship, babies, but was left in the dust. He "truly believes" that he and Ali could have fallen in love. We are not so convinced.

Stay tuned for next week, when Ali and some guy get to be the only white people in the Lion King, and Mrs. Donovan finally sings.

KLo

The Big Fedotowsky Part 2: Baby Got Back

2010-06-07T14:30:00.000-07:00

BABIES. We are SO SORRY. We at the BNU had a bit of vertigo from our boat travels, and have been finding it hard to sit and look at a screen without bumping into it. But we are back, if not a little dizzy, and ready for our Bachelorette Double Header. Don't judge the spelling this week, my dears.

So Episode 2 (or double header part 1, to make things confusing) begins with Chris Harrison telling all the boys that there will be two 1:1 dates and 1 group date this week, but (crisis), not ALL the gents will get to go on said dates. We secretly hope Craigslist doesn't go anywhere, as we are already sick of him. And also, he is a lawyer.

But date card #1 arrives before we know it .. . for Frank Funke!! "All signs point to love," it says. Oooo, has ABC finally learned that short simple words and phrases work best with these boys? Cape Cod Chris is sad that the card is not for him, but handles it well. The Big Fedotowsky, meanwhile, is excited to a) date 17 guys, b) date 17 guys who she wouldn't normally date. Yes, Ali, we think it's an *excellent* idea to abandon all qualities you are typically attracted to when going on a speed-dating venture. She is, quite naturally, "impressed by" Frank Funke, but doesn't know if there will be a "spark."

Ali picks Frank up in the Jetsons convertible, which completely breaks down about 5 minutes onto the LA Speedway. We cannot get past the fact that Mr. Funke is completely, utterly unhelpful, does not look under the hood, does not even apparently call for help OR stick his leg out. Of course, the Big Fedotowsky just sees it as Frank F "going with it. " Our feelings do not improve as they decide to walk to the site of their date: Hollywood Blvd. Oh, Ali. This is my sign for you:
Do Not Feed the Film Student.
But she does. As swarms of paparazzi and fans buzz around them, Ali and Frank Funke sign autographs. He is "so proud" to be with her. Of course he is. So where and how can he show his love? By climbing down a pile of rubble to the Hollywood sign, where Frank can sweep Ali into his arms as they spin around joyfully amidst rusting tins and old lettuce. Okay, not really, but it seriously looks like a dump by the Hollywood sign. Yet awed by their surroundings, Ali and Frank Funke gush about how much they have in common.

Babies, Ali wants to know Frankie's "Paris story." And so it goes: he started screenwriting a few years ago. And then, just decided to quit his job and move to Paris. "Oooo!" squeels Ali. "How long were you there?!?" Six weeks, gentle readers. SIX. WEEKS. Seriously. When we were 15, we went away to Ballet school for longer than that. And while we do agree, based on said experience, that six weeks is a sufficient length of time to discover all the ways in which one can hide ones mini-liquors in one's uniform socks, Pollyanna-film-student-Peter-Pan-Man here dreamily describes how he now manages a retail store and writes films in his free time, post Paris. He feels, my dears, that "career will always be there." But love--TRUE love -- if you wait too long, the opportunity for such greatness will be gone forever. We are speechless. Apparently, so is Ali, as she decides to make out instead of speaking.

But we are not done. The car has been fixed, and so now we are off too. . . Park. Seriously. As they toast to each other on the hood of the car whilst looking out over a moonlit LA, we are fixated on the red velvet cupcake Frank Funke is eating. So when our friend KZi got married, she had red velvet cupcakes. And while we will not divulge how many of them we may or may not have eaten, we promise you that it resulted in two things: 1) hovering by said velvet cupcakes for far longer than fashionable, and 2) sitting down for the remainder of the evening to cradle the red velvet baby to which we had just given birth. At any rate, Frank Funke has "all four" qualities Ali is looking for in a man, including (lets count them) : Funny, Smart, and Quirky. We are sad for her that, at this time in her reality television career, she STILL cannot smell a film student peter pan from five miles away.

As Frank Funke gets the rose and rattles on about how "no matter what happens, nothing can shake the connection we have built" in his two hours at the west LA dump with the Big F, back at the men's mansion, Craigslist is drunk and shaking his beer bottle in Justin-R-Rated's direction as he tells JRR that he is not there for the "right reasons." Craig Oompa Loompa hair from Canada is being a crapweasel to generally everyone, first hassling HOT JESSE about his tattoos until Tyumbo hussles him out of the house, and then attacking Harry Potter ("yo, Weatherman.").

This skirmish gives way to the group date for 12 boys!!! Harry Potter, Tyumbo, one of the Chrises, Scrapbooking Kurt, Steve, Craigslist, Mrs. Donovan, Justin-R-Rated, Eddie Munster, and Croompa Loompa. We realize this is not 12, but we really have lost count of all of the names at this point. Oh, but we are in heaven, as this is a Date With A Cause. My dear ones, the bachelors are doing a photo shoot. For charity. Because the Bachelorette franchise likes to "give back." ABC, if you only knew how very much you give back to us at the BNU every season.

We want this calendar. We NEED this calendar. Just THINK of the photoediting possibilities. So lost are we in dreaming of said possibilities that we nearly miss Craigslist, who, opining on the giant red diaper of a speedo he is wearing, says "when I first saw it, I thought 'no way,' but now it feels kinda nice." And also, Harry Potter worries about his chicken legs, because he doesn't "work them out" like Steve (who tells ol' HP that he has "nice legs and a nice ass" to encourage him). Scrapbooking Kirk is excited because Ali leaned up against him, while Eddie Munster is encouraged to "get your telescope erect" by the other men.

At last, Tyumba, all ablaze in geometric mid-thigh swim trunks, decides to sing for like the 3rd time in 3 times he has been on the air, about how he is "lost in the moment. . . something something present time." And also, "they say, they say that love, it don't come eeee----aaassay." While Tyumba feels that he and Ali had a "deep moment" of connection arising from his mediocre song based on something serious he claims to have seen in her eyes, we know what Ali is secretly thinking (all of us). One time, God punished us for sneaking a coworker from our christian camping days into a gay bar to celebrate his 21st birthday. And that punishment was in the form of the skinniest, ugliest, tallest, most frosted-lipsticked drag queen in a tube top, tube skirt, feather kitty, and turban with little stars wound throughout, singing to this viewer. And that song went something like this: "Let me see your pussy, show it to me." For five minutes. And that, my friends, is what we all know Ali is experiencing In This Moment.

ANYWAY, off we go in a big ass SUV to some restaurant or bar, in which we hate Ali's zipper dress but forgive her for the cuteness of her shoes. Tyumbo feels that Ali and he could fall in love. But in his 1:1 time, he must get something off his chest. And that is: he has been married before. For two years at age 27, so um, like a year ago. The divorce was not bad, but he feels tha the was not perfect and learned so many lessons. Blah blah requisite welcoming response from Ali followed by . . . Croompa Loompa making fun of Harry Potter while Ali is otherwise engaged with Tyumbo.

This is our thing: We are not sure who is the biggest Tool here. Croompa Loompa does earn several rotten tomatos for being mean and bullyish. But Harry Potter is a brown belt. He "doesn't want to fight" but he will if pressed. Maybe a quick jab to the face. Maybe a punch to the neck. HP, in his 1:1 time with the Big Fedotowsky, spends all of their tete-a-tete talking about how there is "someone" who is "not right for you, Ali." This man is "dangerous." This man. . "do you really want me to tell you who it is? Because, I don't want to gossip. But . . . well . . . it is. . ." Croompa Loompa. Harry Potter has suddenly taken the lead in rotten tomatos . . and then . . Croompa Loompa! For the win! "Gee, do you think Ali is lying to you?" says Croompa Loompa to HP, "when she says you have a connection? Did she give you a booster chair when you were talking to her?"

And that is absolutely It. This viewer recently had a Work Trama in which we had to sit in a restaurant booth during a Professional Outing. And our feet did not touch the ground the entire time. And also, it was a leather booth. Which means no grip, particularly when one does not wear a suit of natural fibers, which we were not. It was Disaster, babies. We spent our entire dinner trying not to rub inappropriately against the gentleman to our right, as our be-polyestered buttock had no grip against the leather seat, while simultaneously attempting not to slide underneath the table and/or drop something. So Croompa Loompa, you are Dead To Us with your short jokes. Fortunately, Justin R-Rated saves us from opening a Can of WhoopAss on Croompa Loompa with 1:1 time spent entirely discussing who is hotter: "you're so hot." "No, You're hot!" "No, YOU'RE hot" while Mrs. Donovan mwah mwahs about Justin-R-Rated not being right for Ali. In the end, Ali gives the safety rose on this date to Tyumbo. WHAT?

But at last, it is Date 3, with HOT JESSE!!! "Use these, when the time is right," says the date card. No one can figure out who it is for until Roberrrrrrto, taking the box of cufflinks that came with the card, looks at the initials on them and identifies HOT JESSE's initials. Okay, we really like Roberrrrrrto. He's calm. And also, interpretive. But we will also not complain about a date with HOT JESSE even if he is a decade our junior. Here's to us, Mrs. Robinson.

Anyway, HOT JESSE is "hot. Sexy. That's pretty much where I'm at with him," says Ali. Yes, Ali, all of us are right there with you. But he's a "t-shirt kinda guy," who bought his first suit for this show, and so how will he react when the Big Fedotowsky takes him to Vegas for a glamour filled date? "I'm stoked," says he. Ah. So while this date was long, it can be summed up thusly:
Plane. She: afraid of flying. He: "this is rad man" and ignoring her clutches for comfort on his arm.
Ferrari: She drives. He's stoked. Loves a babe who can handle a car.
Pool called "Liquid." Is this not the one where Heidi Montag "revealed" her new body? Regardless, our regard for HOT JESSE begins to grow when he informs Ali that, after trying an oyster for the first time, "If it didn't have lemon juice on it, it would have tasted like shit." ahahahahaa.
Hotel with magic remote-control blinds: We like HOT JESSE even more as, though he is clearly too young, he is polite to the doorman, clearly awestruck by the beautiful surroundings, compliments the Big Fedotowsky on her dress, talks about how much he loves woodworking, and calls her "m'lady." Oh!!! And also, they are dancing after dinner! And also, there is a vampire playing the piano for them!! Jamie Collum, Cullen, whatever. We are confident he eats people (though he does have a nice voice). Aaaaand, HOT JESSE gets the rose!!! While Ali doesn't know that he is right for her, HOT JESSE is "solid, genuine," and we agree. Le sigh.

And now, the rose ceremony is upon us. Croompa Loompa is making us crazy, and so we don't even want to waste words on him (and also, the Big Fetodowsky Part 3 begins in 15 minutes and we are running out of time. crap crap crap). First, a 1:1 with Cape Cod Chris. We like him because he welcomes Ali to "his house," and then says later that he had butterflies and felt that he was melting when talking to her. Oh! But then, we no longer care because it is 1:1 time with Roberrrrto. Bestill our beating hearts, babies. Roberrrto has traveled the world. He's played baseball professionally. And he very calmly, warmly, and nicely teaches her how to pitch a knuckleball. We LOVE ROBERRRRRTO. He is happy: "Something about being around Ali feels right," says he. Oh Roberrrrto, you have a standing invitation to come hang with the BNU whenever Richard the Science Teacher is taking a break.

Meanwhile, as Roberrrrto and Ali are talking, Mrs. Donovan is mwah mwwahing "mwah Ali looks imaginary mwah mwah." This canNOT be his real voice. But we don't get to learn of any secret smurf identity because Frank Funke steals Ali away just as Mrs. Donovan is sitting down with her. That is Stone. Cold. Craigslist informs the masses (omg, we are agreeing with Craigslist. Help us!). Soon Frank and Ali are making out, Croompa Loompa is being an ass to Harry Potter and the world in general, and Harry Potter is telling Ali all the ways he is being said ass. Harry Potter, my babies, "can't allow someone like that to be in Ali's life." Excuse us? We are only comforted by the fact that we know the Big Fedotowsky will "allow" Harry Potter to go home in the next episode or two. Finally, we have an extremely awkward 1:1 time between Croompa Loompa and Ali, in which Ali completely calls CL out on not being particularly "into" her, and CL has no response other than "yeah, um." Unfortunately, Ali reveals that some other dude called Croompa Loompa "dangerous," which leads to yet another 15 minutes of air time in which CL is harassing Harry Potter, so convinced is he that Harry gave him that label (and he's right).

At any rate, in the end, Ali picks to join HOT JESSE, Frank Funke, and Tyumbo:
1. Mrs. Donovan (WTF)
2. Hunter (who has had zero air time this episode)
3. Roberrrrrrrrto. Ha cha cha.
4. Cape Code Chris.
5. Justin-R-Rated
6. Steve.
7. Scrapbooking Kirk.
8. John C (we think this is the hotelier who is going to break out in jazz hands any moment)
9. Craigslist (WHAT?!?)
10. Chris N (less than zero air time. Who is this person?)
11. Harry Potter!!! ("Thank you for having my back this week," whispers Ali. Oooo, Croompa Loompa is pissed).

Poor Eddie Munster is in shock. He has gotten the axe, along with another fellow we don't know and Croompa Loompa. According to CL, ALi "missed a huge opportunity" by not picking him. How fortunate that he can "get back in the saddle quickly." He hopes that there are attractive women on his plane ride home, as he will "need some extra attention" then.

Blech.

Stay tuned for, um, this week. Which starts in 15 minutes!

KLo

The Big Fedotowsky Part 1: Silhouettes On the Shade

2010-05-25T00:44:00.000-07:00

We know that have been living under a television rock these last several weeks, but as The Bachelorette: Season Big Fedotowsky warms to our screen, we gasp and then pause. It's Ali. In photoshopped silhouette against the sunset. And she looks like a damn giraffe. Is this secretly a silhouette of Jennifer Love Hewitt? Regardless, we suddenly want to go the mall so that we can purchase an airbrushed t-shirt. We are thinking an island theme, with a man and woman silhouetted against the water. And perhaps the word "foreveh" scrolled in pink and black underneath.

Anyway, the Big Fedotowsky is back, and this time it is For Real, babies. She tells us that "Looking back," she was, "so wrong." We are not sure if this is looking back on the fact of her participation in Season El Piloto, looking back on her departure from said Season, or looking back INTO THE 80S because if wearing belts over cableknit sweaters is really back in style, we are going to start shooting. Ali treats us to a fashion show as she says "this time," she is "ready to find love." Oh, the dresses. Oh, the little pantsuits. Oh the bikini with crotchtacular cargo pants beside the ocean. Boo.

But still, we are happy for Ali until ABC shows her running. We have no use for people who run. And also, she quite her job and moved out of her appartment. She has "no regrets" and is hopeful she will "find her husband" on this show. Sayeth KMu: "yeah, let's hope you do because you just quite your job in the worst economy since the great depression." Dumbass.

So let us meet the 25 contestants whom she will be expecting to support her within approximately 6 weeks of meeting her off the street. We hate this episode because we just do not need this kind of man flesh to cover on a weekly basis, but we shall do our best:

First up is Frank, a 31-year old Retail Manager from Chicago. Frank, gentle readers, used to be some high powered something or other until he quit his job to follow his bliss, and is now an "aspiring screenwriter" and likely working at the Gap. Well Ali, THAT's promising. We definately think you should hookup with Tobias Funke here.

Next up: Jay the lawyer. L.A. Law called and it wants Jimmy Smit's toupe back. And also his suit. Jimmy-Jay wears an ascot, babies. And he works in his father's firm. With his brother. Doing Personal Injury litigation. And then ABC takes it a step too far, demonstrating that Jimmy-Jay can authenticate a document in Court. Seriously, ABC, of all the fake lawyering you could show, you pick "is this a true and accurate representation . . . ?"

Oh, but we are not done: here is Craig from Toronto, also with an ascot (wtf is up with the ascots??). Craig is in dental sales. We wonder if he sells grills, and if so, whether we could get one. And also, we are impressed by his hair, which is sort of oompa-loompa-esque, but not green. "watch oot, toronto!" he says. We do not like him.

How fortunate that we now have Kyle the "outdoorsman." Oooo, we think the unemployed girl should hookup with the outdoorsman. "Yeah well he lives in Highland Ranch, CO" ABe says, "must come from money." Either way, Kyle looks like a human jackrabbit, shows us his dead animal collection and, as we watch him drill a hole for ice fishing, concludes that he "needs a woman now." Drill baby, drill.

We sort of like the next guy, Justin the "grandma's boy" because he speaks Greek and English, even if he has probably waxed every last inch of his body except his soul patch. And also, even if he is "Mr. Rated-R," an "entertainment wrestler" with the WWwhatever. And, we REALLY like Phil, a 30 year old investment manager from Chicago, who changed priorities when his brother passed away. Oh, we love you Phil!!

But then, omg it is Harry Potter, and he got lasik. Jonathan (age 30) is a weatherman. Okay, so we once had a crush on our local weatherman and were very sad for him when he broke his arm. But our weatherman did not look like Mr. Potter sans glasses. And our weatherman also told better bad jokes. We are a little freaked by Jonathan and his "its raining roses" commentary.

We feel that Ty, a 31 year old Medical Sales guy from nashville, is adequate, even if we can actually see the sunlight through his ears, so extended are they. We shall call you Tyumbo. We also feel somewhat positive about Chris of Cape Cod, who was a high school math teacher in NY until he moved back home to be with his sick mother. And, we REALLY like Roberrrrrrto, an insurance agent from somewhere, except now the boys are flashing across our screen fast and furious, and we cannot keep up. There is a Tyler V, somebody with tremendous tattoos, Derrick in construction, Steve a Sales rep, John in hotel business development, Kirk from Green Bay . . . . .

Thank god it is time for the limos to arrive, so that we can meet these persons in a more orderly fashion. But first, we must say that we do not like Ali's dress. It is black and schwoopy, which is fine. But then, the Big F turns, and we see . . . a rhinestone butt rose. SERIOUSLY? And also, two big random hoops of rhinestones hanging down her back. "Diamonds . . . for Mrs. Rogers . . . . ." we sing to ourselves as we flash back to our days as Third Chorus Girl on the Left. But then Ali turns, and we realize the rhinestones are in front like a choker too, and OMG one misstep and she will snap her little neck like a twig, Isadora Duncan style, and then ABC will have to go on hiatus and we will be sad. But more fundamentally, if the Big F does not stop mincing around apologetically with her shoulders all up the air, clutching the hem of said dress like a ragdoll, we are not going to Make It Through This Episode.

So Limo #1. Oh oh oh here is our P.O.C.!!! The limo driver is black!!! And then the sea of white:
1. Another Chris from Canada, this one from Vancouver. WTF, United States. Can't you find enough unemployed photogenic 20-somethings here?
2. Jesse, a general contractor from Pecular, Mo. ABe stops darkly making threats about not watching this show due to the lack of appropriate male attractiveness once Jesse exits the limo. Ha cha cha.
3. Chris of Cape Cod. Though previously a Person of Interest to us, Chris informs Ali that he is "feeling it." He is Dead to Us.
4. Tyumbo.
5. Frank Funke.

We are still unexcited as Limo #2 rolls up, bearing:
6. Justin "Mr. Rated -R" WWwhatever.
7. Jimmy-Jay. Seriously, SERIOUSLY, for the good of all lawyers everywhere, burn the suit, cut the hair, and stop calling Ali "sweetie." "How ya doin,' sweetie?" he queries. "Fine, doll. Won't you be a puss and grab me a cup of coffee?" we mutter.
8. Yet another Chris. Some sort of entrepreneur. We don't really know anything about him because we were too busy having a seizure looking at his electric turquoise tie.
9. Mrs. Donovan, Charlie Brown's teacher. A/K/A Kasey the advertising account executive. We know he says something, except he sounds like a drunk smurf so we don't know what.
10. Kyle the "outdoorsman" who seriously "reels" Ali in to him. He is toast.

Limo #3 has. . ..
11. Roberrrrrto. Oh la la, he speaks to her in Spanish. Thank God this isn't Arizona: "Do you have papers?" asks KMu.
12. Oompa Loompa Craig of the Dental Sales. In ANOTHER ascot.
13. John N of Witchita, in computer sales. We don't know anything about this person, except we wonder if he is Mennonite because who else lives in Witchita.
14. Tyler V, of internet sales. In monotone, he expresses how he "really cannot tell you. how excited I am. to meet you, ali."
15. John of the hotel sales. Oh oh oh, we might have our first (or 15th) closeted gay!!! He gets on one knee and gives Ali a cubic zirconia ring. "Such a great group of guys," Ali says. We weap for her.

But we are also thankful that we only have two limos left because we are getting tired. In Limo #4 we find:
16: Mr. Potter, who has seriously taken a David's Bridal bridesmaid dress and converted it into a shirt and tie. It is turquoise. It is plaid. It is shiny.
17. Craig, ANOTHER lawyer. And this one has googly eyes. Dammit ABC, 40% of the legal workforce is unemployed right now. Unshackled from the office, our brethren are tanned. They are toned. They no longer look like fat white albinos. And THIS is the one you pick? RAGE.
18. Steve from Cleveland. All we know is that he licked his teeth.
19. Kirk, who does magic tricks!! Ooo, he folds a paper rose. We are impressed only because it has a leaf. Richard the Science Teacher from Season Jillian made one in origami, and shall forever be our favorite fake-rose-creator.
20. Another Tyler, this one a catering manager who comes out of the limo wearing cowboy boots. You know, because Ali wore cowboy boots when she got out of the limo the first time. "No I didn't" says Ali. "Oh, you didn't?" says Tyler. "No," says Ali.

Epic. Fail.

But now we have the last limo, if my babies are still reading this, and it goes something like this:
21. Hunter. This person was obviously born in the late 80s, with a name like that. His middle name is probably "pierce." Blah blah, oh, she's so beautiful.
22. Seriously like the THIRD Tyler. All we know is that his suit is all wonkity.
23. Phil, our investment manager from Chicago and Only Hope.
24. Derrick. Construction?
25. Jason, who does a backflip off the limo. "Let's get it started," he says to Ali. Yes, let's.

Inside, Ali minces into the room clutching her dress to adulations from the menfolk. "Oh, she is so beautiful!" "Oh, sweet as apple pie!" "She is super fly!" (This last one is from Roberrrrto. We love him, but dude.). Ali's opening lines to them, in return, are "have my back because I will have yours." Except they can't have your back, Ali. Not really. Because if someone were to hook one of those little rhinestone ropes, C.S.I. would be trying to figure out how the dead girl got nugget shaped bruise marks across her throat (see, e.g., snap like a twig, supra).

Anyhow, so begins the marathon of 1:1 times. Frank Funke steals Ali first. Hey guess what! He quit is job and moved to Paris! Gee, she quit her job and left her apartment too (wow, we never heard that before). She is "stunning. Everything Frank Funke ever wanted." Well, they can live in a van down by the river together.

Slightly more promising is Kirk, who creates a scrapbook. Random guy wants to know, "did he just say macrame?" We are liking Kirk more than Frank Funke until Kirk describes his "gorgeous mother." Oh dear. Off to the next guy: Mrs. Donovan. We think that Mrs. Donovan may be a little more promising than both of them, except we still can't understand a word he says to Ali. Wah wah wah meet wah wah you. He is seriously smurfed. Then comes 1:1 time with Hunter, who plays the ukulele:
"My name is Hunter. I'm 28.
I came on this show to find a mate.
I can fix anything around the house.
Bet you think I would be one hell of a spouse."

We heart the ukulele much more than we heart Hunter. Suddenly, we are flashed back to 2nd grade, and songs about Jolly Fat Dutchmen and whales that eat airdales to the tune of Mrs. P's mad ukulele stylings. Oh! But we digress, because really, what is much more important is the fact that Derek has just revealed why his nickname is "Shooter:" "Because I might have prematurely. . . this one time . . . in college . . . accidentally. . . . so that's how maybe." OH MY GOD. We think the best part of this story is that he premised it with, "perhaps this is too soon." hahahahhaa.

Mixing things up a bit, Mr. Potter and oompa-loompa Craig have a 2:1 with Ali, except that Mr. Potter is talking the entire time about how "honesty is huge thing." Yes yes, it is the basis of every relationship, as our favorite evil character in Some Kind of Wonderful says to all the girls. But the oompa loompa does gain mad points for the twitch in his lips when Mr. Potter drops that bomb on Ali.

Our favorite 1:1 time by far is with Roberrrrrto, who is from Tampa, but recently moved to Charleston. And also, teaches Ali how to salsa dance. Be still my beating heart. It almost makes up for Chris of Cape Cod telling Ali she looks "wicked awesome." And for having to watch Jimmy-Jay be dismayed because he "totally blew it" by not opening up to Ali when he had the opportunity. No, "sweetie," your first mistake was signing up for this show because you KNOW if they bring you on as a lawyer, there is something funky about you.

As the evening ends, we have some final 1:1s with Justin-Rated-R, who shows his pro wrestling t-shirt to Ali, sparking the jealous rage of all men and causing Craig, the googling lawyer to warn Ali that there are "some guys not here for the right reasons." Justin is apparently on Craig's List (we are sorry, but it had to be said). Everybody drink!! We become even more horrified as Craigslist produces two yellow high top shoe key chains to prove that he is, in fact, there for the right reasons. KMu wants to know if the store ran out of "BFF" interlocking heart keychains.

Fortunately, the evening's 1:1's end on a high note, with Hot Jesse giving Ali the only cool gift of the evening (scrap book excluded, as we heart a good scrap book provided it is not done ScrapBooking style with shizz from the craft store): a heart necklace that Hot Jesse made with a jigsaw! This is seriously cool. And even better, shortly after this 1:1 time, Ali gives the first safety rose of the evening to . . . . Roberrrrto!!! Hunter is all upset because Roberto did a "hot sauce" dance. "Let the racism come out," sayeth ABe.

And then. . . . the big guy that kicked Rozlyn out of the house in Season El Piloto is bringing a ballot box out. Okay, seriously gentle readers. It has now been nine years since we first expressed our aspiration of becoming the thing-bearer during rose ceremonies, and yet we have STILL not climbed that corporate ladder to success. We can wear black and sneak in and off set as well as this guy! We are going to start a petition to ABC. Anyway, the boys must select which person they feel is most deserving to go home, and place that name in the ballot box that this viewer did not get to bring on set (dammit).

And, after much deliberation, the Most Hated Man-Contestant is . . . Justin-Rated-R! We are somewhat surprised, but in the special 1:1 time in which Ali must Grill Him and find out if he is Here For The Right Reasons, Justin opines that he is probably hated because people think he is there for the "wrong reasons," (everybody drink), such as to promote his WWwhatever career. We think he's probably right, and so apparently does Ali, for she saves him with a rose!

And to join Roberrrrrto and Justin-R-Rated, she picks:
1. Hot Jesse (sidebar: how is it possible that out of 25 men, we have 2 Jesses, 2 Tylers, and at least 4 Chrises?)
2. Tyumbo
3. Craigslist
4. Another Tyler -- the internet guy that looks like Eddie Munster.
5. Frank Funke
6. Steve.
7. Chris "Wicked Awesome" of Cape Cod.
8. Scrapbooking Kirk
9. John. Hotel person? Maybe?
10. Chris from Witchita.
11. Another Chris.
12. Hunter ("Thank God," he says. Uncharitable. humph.)
13. Craig Oompa Loompa canadian.
14. Mr. Potter; and . . . .
15. Mrs. Donovan.

WHAT? Phil the investment banker goes home. NOOOOOOOO!!!!! And also, Shooter is ejected (hahaha). And also, Jimmy-Jay. And the outdoorsman. So we are not surprised by the last three, but we are devastated by the loss of Phil, as Ali officially has no hope except for maybe Roberrrrrto and Hot Jesse.

Stay tuned for this season, in which we cannot escape male nipples and Mrs. Donovan wears a burberry scarf while pining for the Big Fedotowsky in a candlelit room.

Alas, and while we know that neither you nor this viewer shall survive it, we are going to have a Forced Separation from the Bachelorette next week, as we shall be on a boat to Alaska. Therefore, and unless we can find internet service, we shall bring a Double Header to you in two weeks. We apologize, babies. We hope that you can find it in your hearts to forgive us for our ill-timed, but much needed, vacaciones.

KLo

Big Daddy/Molly Wedding: A Haiku

2010-03-09T03:29:00.000-08:00

Blame it on the rain.
Molly who will not age well.
Stephanie!! PINK KITTY.

That is all.

El Piloto Part Finale: Left Siders

2010-03-02T02:41:00.000-08:00

Babies, we are free at last (thank god almighty). Well, almost. As PMu lights the Tea Lights of Mourning, we prepare ourselves for the Finale of El Piloto in Lousy Jelly a/k/a La Jalouse Bay, St. Lucia. We don't think we're ready for this jelly.

Oh here is El Piloto, walking the water in his linens, thinking of how he is "so in love" with two "girls." TenAriel is "perfect," but he's trying to pick it apart because she is "too perfect." "Yes," says ABe, "the day I took her to that plantation was real special." Le Sausage, on the other hand, is "white hot." Some might say "sizzlin."

At any rate, there is no better way to Learn His True Feelings than from a visit with the Flying J's family, so suddenly we are hugging it out with mom Sallie, sisters in law Lindsay and Laura, and several unnamed men. Lindsay, gentle readers, knows she's on camera. "I have fallen in love with both girls," El Piloto says. "Both of them make me laugh." Lindsay smiles, throwing her head back in silent mirth. "But, one of them doesn't get along with the other girls," El Piloto continues. Lindsey purses her lips, nodding solemnly. Lindsay is making ABe crazy. Sallie becomes concerned, and tells her son (like everyone has told him all season long) that someone not getting along with eeeeeeveryone else may indicate there is a problem. El Piloto instantly regrets that he has "formed his family's opinion" against Le S.

It is fortunate, then, that TenAriel shows up in a 5 year old's pinafore. According to Jacques, TenAriel is "great! She's got a lot of life experience. She's 25 years old."
"Don't those two sentences cancel each other out?" wonders KMu.

TenAriel is "just gonna be me. And that's all that I can be!" And then she's gonna be . . .where the people are. She's gonna see, gonna see them dancin. And the family loves her. Lindsay wonders how TenAriel knew she was in love with the Flying J, and TenAriel gushes about "his character" and something about "living with his characteristics." And the Iraq. During 1:1 time with mom Sallie, she asks TenAriel how she handles family conflict. According to TenAriel, "This is hard for me to share. Um, I was married. [WHAT? TENARIEL WAS MARRIED?] But I want to be one man's wife. I won't ever give up." We are not quite sure how that answers the question, but everyone is crying, so she must be doing fine, particularly after she makes El Piloto's dad cry twice as well. We are mostly interested in Sallie's necklace, which is like chicklets on a string. And also, sister-in-law Laura has shellaqued a Chips A'Hoy-Chunks cookie and is wearing it around her neck. She is taunting us, we who have learned the number, size, and variety of mini candy bars in the basket outside our office within the last week but are now trying to Turn Over A New Leaf. Damn her.

Blah blah this family time ends with El Piloto trying to convince himself that he is spontaneous with TenAriel by jumping in the pool to make out, followed by the rest of the family.

So here we are with Le Sausage, who has come bearing fruit. Something about sweet and savory, we guess. El Piloto is all solicitious of her, sitting outside on a bench to make sure she is mentally prepared before going in to meet the family. When they finally do, we are horrified by Sallie's friendship-bracelet dress, but loving that Sallie and the sisters-in-law Do Not Mess Around. "SO, have you ever been out of the country?" wonders Laura. And "did all the girls hate you?" asks Sallie. Le Sausage is going down in flames, nervously giggling about how the other girls couldn't stand her. Laura comments to the camera that Le Sausage doesn't have a "lot of class" in the manner she is discussing such things. But Go Meat does not salvage things at dinner:
Laura: "So, why do you think you have trouble with the other girls in the group?"
Le Sausage: [ignoring the question with a smirk, continues to eat].
Sallie: "So . . . . anyway . . .. "
Le Sausage: [finally] "Because I am brutally honest."
Laura: "Do you think I'm pretty?"
Le Sausage: "yes."
Laura: "Do you think I look fat in this outfit?"
Le Sausage: "A little bit."
GASP. We hide underneath ABe and KMu as Sallie immediately hauls El Piloto off to "have a moment." Le Sausage, says Sallie "is not connecting with our family." She has concerns, she is point blank about them, and we love her for it. El Piloto says something lame about how the other girls just didn't like her because she tended to "poke at" them, and Sallie says: "What makes you think she wouldn't poke at the sisters in law, and eventually at you?" El Piloto is all uncomfortable, but we are waving our Sallie banner high. But then there is this:
"My mom has clearly formed an opinion of Le Sausage BECAUSE OF ME."

We now know who is holding down the left side of the bell curve, my babies. We have El Piloto's number, and it isn't 80%. He is a bona fide Left Sider. Represent.

Blah blah, the unnamed brothers try to stage an intervention, telling El Piloto that they're not so sure Le Sausage's "brutal honesty" schtick isn't just an immature defense mechanism. But, a change is coming over the women-folk. Laura and Linsay are giving Le Sausage time to redeem herself by inviting her to say something, ANYTHING nice about the other women she met on this "journey. " Le Sausage is failing even this softball challenge, criticizing TenAriel for having no opinions . . . and yet the sisters-in-law are starting to say things about having "misjudged" her. No no NO!!!! And then Sallie caves!!! Even as Le Sausage is answering Sallie's questions in the most insipid way, Sallie is deciding that she may not be so bad after all. How is this happening?!?!? AND EVEN WHEN LE SAUSAGE INSULTS THE FAMILY, ahem, tells them "yeah, not so much" about the welcomey-ness of their attitude towards her as they say goodbye, the family LAUGHS IT OFF. wtf. We are disappointed.

We are so heartbroken we almost cannot go on to El Piloto's final date with Le Sausage in the sulfer springs. "OMG, they are having a date in a quarry! This is where people go to dump the bodies," concludes KMu. We conclude that this Cannot Be Happening as El Piloto and Le Sausage grease each other up in smelly silt and she writes "I love you" on his chest . . . followed by some sort of "rinse down" in another pool of water, while drinking champagne. "I would be lyin' if I told you that I didn't enjoy covering you in mud," says El Piloto. EW.

One time, we jello-wrestled. While we won our round, it was not without the conclusion that Jello Wrestling is a Dangerous Sport and also, that jello is very difficult to get out of one's 10,000 parts once dry. We secretly hope that Le Sausage and El Piloto share this experience with us (and that it is the ONLY experience we share. ever.), and that it dissuades them from doing anything that we will not be able to blot from our memories later on in this date.

But Le Sausage is unmerciful. As we prepare ourselves for the "dinner" part of this date, Le Sausage is removing her promise ring and slipping it over a piece of parchment paper that reads:
"From the moment I met you, I knew you were the type of man I could spend the rest of my life with. [with whom. RAGE]. Sitting here after this unbelievable journey [everybody drink], I am certain of it. I am ready to take this ring off and give you my heart. Lets take another leap of faith together. I love you, Vienna." Noooooooooooooooooooo. And then Le Sausage is crying about how she is "so scared," and El Piloto is patting her hair extensions and muttering something about it being the last date . . . . on this journey."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

So moving along, here we are with TenAriel on a chartered yacht called "Kingdom." She is feeling "very in love" and just wants to "play with El Piloto all day." What she chooses to do is her business, but we would rather not see that. We whisper "Thy Kingdom come," to ourselves as El Piloto lifts her into the yacht. Blah blah snorkeling. And then: crisis. El Piloto selects post-snorkeling sunset to announce (to the camera) that he cannot forget the "firey physical connection" he has with Le Sausage and (to TenAriel) that he feels a strong emotional connection to her, but isn't sure about a strong physical connection. Though he doesn't mean "sexual," he is quick to point out. "Um, what is the difference between physical and sexual?" asks TenAriel, who is hurt because she felt like they had a good connection.
"It just means that Le Sausage let him [BLEEEEEEP]," says PMu.
Of course, El Piloto cannot articulate himself, so we all know PMu is right. TenAriel is heartbroken, but we are unsurprised [see, supra, Left Sider].

Dinner is a painful affair. El Piloto is all worried that he botched things up on the boat (ya think?), and only makes it worse by saying, essentially, that TenAriel is the hot girl's ugly friend. "Um, I love your smile. And your eyes. And the way you are so honest, and so positive. I feel like I can be honest with you." As TenAriel is being all supportive with her "I want to listen to you and help you walk through these things in life," we are screaming that he still has not answered her question regarding the difference between physical and sexual chemistry, and KMu is epiphanizing that El Piloto is a weenie tot who doesn't want to lead -- he wants to be told what to do like all the other men in his family, and the fact that TenAriel wants him to guide her spells Disaster.

And then she gives him a Shadow Box filled with photos, seashells, and inspirational quotes. She is dead to us. We hate a shadow box.

At last the day is upon us: TenAriel has chosen to spend it eating fruit and drinking coffee in a bikini (diebitchdie). Le Sausage has chosen to spend it looking thoughtfully across with water sans underwear. El Piloto has chosen to spend it picking out two rings, instead of one, because he still supposedly hasn't made up his mind even though we all know it is going to be Le Sausage. And then everyone is getting ready, El Piloto is standing nervously on a rocky outcropping, waiting for the ladies to arrive by helicopter, and Le Sausage is wearing the Ugliest Dress Ever. Why hello, Lady Liberty. It is mossy teal. It is off the shoulder. We are scrambling to get her a book and a torch and a pointy crown made of spongey material when the first helicopter touches down and it is . . . . TenAriel. We repeat, for the 10th time this episode, noooooooooooo!!!

Blah blah voice overs of all their prior comments about each other as TenAriel walks towards El Piloto. She is giddy. Joyful. Looking forward to the "first day of the rest of my life." Yes, TenAriel, you do indeed have that to look forward to once you unload this barnacle. And he dumps her: "You have such a nice smile. Similar values. Positivity. And I do love you. You are just perfect. But, I don't know what it is, but something feels forced." GAH. She says a number of gracious things, and then he makes her walk down 100 steps in high heels to Chris Harrison, who makes her walk down another 100 steps to the road. We are sad for TenAriel, even though we are looking forward to a Spring without her tiny little tea leaf voice.

And up comes Le Sausage, who is *trying* to look anxious but totally must know what is happening because must have seen TenAriel's helicopter touch down first. So, Le Sausage starts talking frantically: "I'mcompletelyinlovewithyou. Ican'tseeyounotbeinginmylife." And El Piloto gives her back her promise ring! And we get all excited thinking that maybe he is dumping her too!!! And then: "But there's something else you should have . . . " and he proposes. NOOOOOOOOOOOO. We are on the wings of love and we DO NOT WANT TO BE. We do not want to see the montage of these people's smarmy moments throughout time.

We are disgruntled. And we are NOT prepared for the "After the Final Rose" episode, which airs immediately afterwards.

So here we are with TenAriel AGAIN, having just watched her being dumped 5 minutes before, reliving the dumping as CHris Harrison wants her to describe what it was "like that day." She says all the same things and we see all the same photo clips, so we will simply say this: WTF, TenAriel, have you done with Le Sausage's Lady Liberty dress? It's become a long-sleeved pirate shirt on one side, sleeveless on the other, and a tube skirt down below. It is heinous. Next up: the woman in the audience with a turtle neck underneath a sundress YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. We focus on the clothing and try to breathe through TenAriel's reiteration of her heartbreak, confrontation of El Piloto when he skulks out from behind the curtains, and disclosure that El Piloto is now going to be on Dancing With The Stars.

Yes, yes, just in case we were all wondering if El Piloto was really trying to find true love or just a new career, El Piloto will begin round 3 of ABC franchised-shows this spring. With, of course, Le Sausage sitting in the audience to cheer him on.

Finally, TenAriel escapes into relative anonymity as El Piloto declares his joy and happiness with the outcome of the show. He has "never had so much heat" in a relationship as he does with Le Sausage, though he simultaneously says that his mistake in past relationships was focusing on the physical chemistry and not anything else. Blah blah this is so boring we keep forgetting to pay attention until Le Sausage comes out in a hot pink racerback dress . . . worn backwards. Though not as fugly as TenAriel's one-armed wonder, we are now in a bad mood. Yes, the tabloids have been cruel. No, all of it is a lie (even the parts with pictures). Yes, Le Sausage is moving to Dallas "right away" -- and why not, since she DOESN'T HAVE A JOB. They have not set a date yet for the wedding, but that does not stop Jeffrey Osborne from coming out of the woodwork to sing "On the Wings Of Love" live! While they dance and kiss like in 8th grade!!!

We are seriously annoyed.

And it will not get better, for . . .. . Ali comes out on stage. And, gentle readers, she will be the next Bachelorette starting this May. We only hope her grandma makes an appearance.

Thank you, my dears, for sticking with the BNU through this terrible season. While we cannot squeeze blood from the lump of coal that was Season El Piloto, we raise our Sutter-Home mini-bottle and salute your tenacity.

See you in May.
KLo

El Piloto Part 8: Downward Shame Spiral

2010-02-23T00:37:00.001-08:00

Babies, we are on a Downward Shame Spiral, known also as The Women Tell All. We may have eaten T. Bell and ice cream all of last week, but it has not prepared us. And our pilot on this venture (Jake? Is a Pilot?) is El Piloto. "Coffee, tea, . . . or me?" poses PMu.

We jump right in with Nanny No Nips blowing kisses to the audience as Chris Harrison announces that "more viewers than ever watched this season." We simply cannot understand why, even when he recaps the Most Shocking Moments Ever on Season El Piloto:

1. Rozlyn. The screen goes hazy as we see back into Olden Times, when Rozzie got the axe. Or perhaps it is the haze of alcohol through which we watched that episode (all of use). Discovering that Rozlyn was having an Unspecified But Surely Illicit Relationship with A Producer Who Shall Not Be Named certainly "knocked me off my high horse," says Jacques. Nobody tell Walker, Texas Ranger or El Piloto might not get to be an extra on that show again any time soon.
2. Nanny No Nips. We burn BURN with mortification as we are forced to watch N-cubed read her note about not kissing with its scripted laughter: "You think I am kidding about this. Ha. Ha. But I am not," followed by a whole montage of "do you wanna kiss me" moments. El Piloto, describing this particular moment in a pre-taped interview, says The Nanny "exceeded a boundary, and now you are outside of a fence." Once, our male college friends hopped a fence and did a Buck Run across a childrens' little league game. The children screamed and ran away, but the mothers were like "yeah, YEAH!!!!" While we personally might feel like the children during this segment, we secretly think that Chris Harrison is like the mothers.
3. Picking up speed in our Shame Spiral, we come to Le Sausage and El Piloto jumping into The Crevasse. We have nothing to add to this other than : Ew.
4. And then: TenAriel and El Piloto, falling in love at the tip of the Peoples Penis of the Lefthand States. Liturgical turtleneck. Let me dance for you, let me try. Rage. We don't understand why this is a "most shocking" moment, unless we have now segued into "The Bachelor: To All the Ones I've Loved Before."
5. Finally, we are presented with Ali's departure. As this is Still Fresh, we will not recap, except to say that El Piloto does not know what it will be like to see her again.

And now, we have ridden our sprial like a gumball to the very rock bottom of the Sea of Flesh, and it is populated with Bachelor Contestants from Yore. This is a "Sexy New Phenomenon," announces Chris Harrison, called "Bachelor Cast Reunions." We nearly have a seizure as the first person we are presented with is Jesse from Season Double D in a hot pink shirt and fedora, speaking to us from the Las Vegas Reunion. This is "kinda like a fraternity," says he.
"Yeah, a white one," says ABE.
And then here is Danutalie from season Big Daddy, talking about how she loves shoes, shopping, and . . . bears. And Twilley from Season We Can't Remember. And Richard! Richard the Science Teacher WE LOVE YOU evenifyouarestickingyourtonguedownsomebody'smouth. And then: LE CA from season PLo!!!!!! Le Ca is still single, babies. But she has a ginormous "still single" ring to show for it, and a new tiara. And, she is going to LAW SCHOOL. And also, she has a crystal gavel to "rule on which match ups" between former contestants "are the best." I mean, really. Not only are all the lawyers on this show batshit, but now one of the most batshit contestants is actually becoming a lawyer? We weep for the profession. At least there is still Gwen from Season Aaron Burge. Still single. Still a nice normal person.

Oh, but we are not done. Now we are on a Mexican Cruise, and Rozbo from Season Miss J is mixing drinks for everyone while Nikki from Season Big Daddy is throwing her tatas around and announcing that she wants to be a "bad girl" now. GAH. And here is Danutalie again, hooking up with all the boys. "I haven't hooked with everyone!!! I've just 'taken naps' with them," says she. Ew. We wonder if one of them is Wes from Season Miss J, even though he is still looking like he has a crusty mouth and also there is this: "My dating life didn't exactly suck to begin with. Now, since the show, I have had like 1,000 more nipples." Which we had to watch three times to understand he said "NIBBLES." We overhear him saying to Nikki that he has "kinda had his share of hot chicks." Well, Wes, they say that love don't come eeeeaaaaaaasy.

In sum, and according to That Man Whose Name We Cannot Remember But Who Had a Tanning Bed In His Home And Also Was a Martial Arts Instructor Or Something: "These bonds won't disintigrate soon." Yes, nothing is the Tie That Binds so much as a shared STD.

Oh, but we are not done. We are then accosted by "The Bachelor Gives Back" segment, which we secretly think is probably more like "Baby Got Back," as we again see Le Ca making the charity circuit. But here is Sara and Charlie from Season Charlie (we wonder if they are still together?), and Matt from Season Rocky, and B Boy from Season Miss J! We love LOVE b boy, who says that "getting involved in charities is never, never bad." We wish he had been made the Bachelor, even if he was only 24, because it might have saved us from things like this:
Double D to 5th grade boy: "Would you come on the Bachelor and find true love with me?"
5th grade boy: "No. You're too big."
Clearly, what every woman wants to hear. But no time to dwell, as Chris Harrison is suddenly handing Ellen DeGeneris a $10,000 check for Haiti as if it is a Big Deal, even though we think this must be the approximate cost of filming one helicopter date. And El Piloto is talking to a classroom full of Saint Lucians. And then here is Shayne of the Llamas from Season Rocky! And JuanyOnly from Season Miss J! They are handing food out to the Poor POCs as the POCs talk about how it is difficult to find food these days. Classy, ABC. We wish Tannest were here, handing out foot massages to all the needy women.

Finally, it is the actual episode, and we skim the panel of axed contestants: Channy Tranny! Drunk Ashleigh! Corrie Rivers!! Crazy Michelle! Ali! GPow! And lots of others. But we are sick of recaps, and so we fundamentally refuse to do them again, except for this:
"That girl, she shits rainbows," says GPow of TenAriel. "Yes, it is like she fell out of a Disney movie" says someone else, and also: "she just twinkles around." hahahaha, we wish GPow were the next Bachelorette, as she is a strange mix of trucker and class. But now Chris Harrison wants the womens' thoughts on Le Sausage, and GPow is convinced that the Meat is misunderstood. "She's a good person. She just doesn't think before she speaks." "Right," says Ella-the-Mom, "She's 23. Not to sayh that ahl 23 year olds are immature, but she ihs."
"Let's get to Michelle. She will creep us out," says ABe.
But no no, we have to beat a horsey woman, and that woman is Rozlyn. "I just want to know the facts," says Chris Harrison. GPow dishes that Rozzie was not always in her bedroom at night. Drunk Ashleigh says she saw cuddling and some kissing on the forehead. We start to feel as though this alleged affair is ridiculous, as must the viewing audience, and so Chris Harrison asks:
"Did anyone see anything specific?"
"Like a penis?" asks KMu.
And then that Woman Who Never Talked Ever (Jessie?) is suddenly "oh yes, one time I came back to the house because I was sick, and I saw the producer lying on the steps, and Rozlyn lying on top of him, and they were making out." What is this, the Thomas Crowne Affair? Then Ella jumps in: "One tiyme, I was fixin' to go to bed. And Rozlyn was on ahll fours on the sofa, in these teehny shorts. And she stuck her front pahrt down and said 'somebody tell the producer Eyh need to be put to behd." Yes yes, gasps all around. We are really sick of this, so we go to GPow.

GPow must relive her "journey," babies, including the "it's okay to fall" scene in the winery. Next time she falls. In love. She'll know better what to do. Oooo ooo oo oo! But we do love how she is so graceful about the whole thing, and we decide, again, that we want her to be the next Bachelorette. Even if her hot pink sequins are a World of No.

Not so much Crazy Michelle, who looks like she just came back from a funeral in Hoochyville. Even though it is ABe's very wish, we are still mortified to see Michelle's flashbacks of wanting to "be Jake's copilot" and the tears! and the cackles! And the bad kiss! So Crazy Michelle takes the "hot seat" to discuss her behavior, insisting to Chris Harrison that "no, no, I wasn't playing any game." "Bullshit" says Jared the Subway Guy from the audience, sitting stage left.

Gentle readers, Crazy Michelle has now decided that "Going on a show is not the true way to fall in love." Upon making this statement, Ali (oh. we forgot she was here in person) cuts Michelle like my neighbor Dennis, saying she takes umbrage at Michelle's statements because SHE fell in love that way. "I looked at the down times when we weren't with El Piloto as a time to bond with these amazing other women," says she. "Just like in real life, when you go out with your girlfriends and then your guy." Like Jared the Subway Guy on Crazy Michelle, we cry bullshit, Ali. You don't get to pretend you are Wise an UnStrident Now. And also, we are totally sure that is why you got obsessively angry every time Jake showed interest in another woman.

Michelle continues: "It ws a process. It's different from falling in love in the outside world. What you see on television isn't 100% accurate (I'mnotcrazyI'mnotcrazyI'mnotcrazy)." Nanny No Nips is unhelpful: "Actually, Michelle, ABC didn't have to do much editing because you really were closed off." Says Drunk Ashleigh, "Yeah, you were upset every day." And at last, now with the television audience LAUGHING, Michelle insists, "Talk to my friends! I don't need a therapist." Oh Dear.

So we go to Ali. WTF is she wearing? It is a tunic with a belt. While attractive from certain angles, we are pretty sure that walking for any length of time would cause this get-up to flounce over the belt, leaving ladybits free to the Open Air. But, aside from the tunic, this is our thing (all of us): We are On To You, ABC. We know you just want to make Ali the next Bachelorette, even though we are on Team GPow. And it does NOT help to have Ali crying about her exit, and about how she would now do things differently and not put love in the backseat. "Even though I am wearing a tunic, M'Lord," says ABe. Frankly, we are more interested in why Jared the Subway Guy has now been switched out for Man In Tweed in the viewing audience, and why all the Asian women in the audience are suddenly nodding wisely. Blah blah Ali announces that Le Sausage does not deserve to be trashed in the tabloids, more Asian women nod, and we are done here. . . .

Except that ROZLYN, in a wrinkled kleenex, is now making her way down the hallway Jerry Springer-style, with the same enormous staffer that watched her pack. And Chris Harrison wants to hear "what is true in YOUR mind, Rozlyn." Oh, Rozzie insists there was never anything between them. For like 10 minutes. Points in her favor:
1 . Nothing was caught on camera.
2. Most of the other womens' stories are about inappropriate thigh touching.
3. Good use of the phrase, "Riddle me this, Chris. . . "
Points against her:
1. The producer (who is/was married?) and his father roadtripped to Rozzie's hometown to visit her after they both got the axe.
2. She claimed to have problems none of the other mothers had, like telephone access to her children.
3. Blah blah blah see the above stories by Ella and the Unknown Woman. This goes on and on, Rozlyn gets angry, calls Chris out for allegedly flirting with the fired producer's wife while on location, the audience is all "Hell no!" and "Stone her!!" and "Witch!!" And then GPow, sealing her dream candidacy for next Bachelorette, says, "Rozlyn, all you would have had to do is say you love this guy and we'd be done."

At last, El Piloto takes the stage. In a blue t-shirt with a black suit jacket over top. ABe gasps in horror at the color combo, but we gasp in horror as he starts with a "blah blah amazing journey. Fall in love with a couple of girls." We see GPow's tearful goodbye, and Ali's tearful goodbye, and El Piloto tells everyone that he knows what kind of job Ali has because El Piloto has one like that too (really?) and that he was hoping she would jump out of the limo and come back to him on the night she left.
Chris Harrison: "Was that the toughest night for you on this journey?"
KMu: "No, that would be when he left the show and started reading tabloids about Le Sausage."

El Piloto fields some comments/questions from the fired contestants, including Kathryn complaining about being let go on the 2:1 date, and then he makes us all feel awkward by gushing for about 5 minutes about how he wishes he had more time with Christina, and that he feels like he made a mistake in letting her go, because she is "beautiful, funny, with such a big heart." Okay, by now we are feeling very uncomfortable and also are convinced he is single now. Particularly after this:
Chris Harrison: "Are you happy . . . . with your decision?"
El Piloto: "Yes."
Followed by a "stay tuned for next week, when Jake hopefully picks the woman of his dreams." from Chris. Still further followed by a flash to next week, when El Piloto questions whether he and TenAriel have any "heat."

We are now so full of shame that we must take a shower. And eat some ice cream.

KLo.

El Piloto Part 7: Love Swing

2010-02-16T02:13:00.000-08:00

Let's be honest: The only thing we have to look forward to in El Piloto Episode 7 is the Pirate Ship. It's true, gentle readers. We open on St. Lucia, scene of the "overnight dates" that grace Part 7, with a view of said ship and commentary that this is a "mystical land." We wonder when St. Lucia re-enacts the Treasure Island re-enactment of an Epic Battle, and are sad that Ali is no longer here to go on a 2:1 date with Le Sausage on this ship, as surely one would Not Make It Back Alive. El Piloto recaps the remaining women, because we must do SOMETHING to fill the two-hour show:
1. GPow. Gentle readers, El Piloto had stereotyped GPow as "one of those sexy, confident, model types." You know, this viewer gets mistaken for one of those All The Time, there are just so many of them running around these days. How fortunate that El Piloto realized that, in fact, GPow is "really complicated." And also, they have "electric" chemistry.
2. TenAriel. "My name is Tenley like Ten," says she in a flashback to Part 1. "My name is Tenley and I have the Tinkliest Tiny Tot Tone ever," we mutter. We secretly think TenAriel was either a) a gymnast or b) worked in a helium factory in a past life. GPow has a baby voice, but TenAriel has not left the womb. At any rate, El Piloto is concerned that she is not ready to Fall In Love Again.
3. Le Sausage. Oh, she wants to feel his abs. Oh, the amazing connection they began on their first date, jumping off the bridge. We conclude that he likes Le Sausage because they bonded over a traumatic experience, not unlike The Biggest Loser (which we think has a higher marriage rate than The Bachelor, by the way). We also feel en fuego at her vocal stylings, but secretly love that she goes a little cross-eyed every time she starts talking like a little girl. Which is all the time.

Oh, but then there is Ali! As El Piloto wanders around in the waves, throwing rocks into the water, he muses on how he misses her. Ali, supposedly back at home wearing a hotel bathrobe and staring at glossy pictures of Jacques, cries. She thought that work would get her through life, but now she has a life without love!! We suspect she will be applying to law school soon.

But El Piloto has rebounded, and here we are on our first date with GPow on Pigeon Island!!! GPow has apparently escaped from prison and lost her pants in the wind. As El Piloto conveniently turns his back to the camera, GPow awkwardly sneaks up behind him and humps his leg. "I didn't even know you were coming!" El Piloto exclaims. Well, ABC don't pick 'em smart. El Piloto explains the plan for today's date like a 6th grade book report: "Today's date will be perfect. We will enjoy the boat. GPow. And the great people on this island. We will be going to where the local people shop."

But we don't care any more because steel drums are playing, and steel drums make us feel the BURNING RAGE. Our own musical hell is a Philip Glass composition on steel drums, marimba, and the jazz flute. But for the Good Of The Order, we fight through our pain to discover that GPow and El Piloto are heading to Gros Islet. "Which," KMus translates, "is French for Big Islet." GPow and El Piloto are soon drinking coconut milk and dancing around to a drummer in the middle of the street. We are pretty sure that the drummer is having impure thoughts as he looks at GPow.

As we go to another drumming St. Lucian, flanked by a second St. Lucian with no teeth, El Piloto comments: "It's very nice that Gia, from New York, that has $1000 pairs of shoes, is empathetic for people who lay their hearts on the line, trying to make an honest living out there." And we have Had It. The only POCs we see on the Bachelor in the past 10 years are the limo driver, tech person caught on camera, and a few contestants from Olden Days who never made it past round 3. And now, NOW the POCs we get are black dread-locked men with no teeth playing drums in the street? WTF.

El Piloto buys a fugly necklace for GPow, which she declares she will always wear _on her wrist_, El Piloto is suddenly wearing his Rastafarian choker again, and as they walk into the sunset, we hear him muse: "We would have so much fun traveling the world. That's something I've gotta have" in a woman. And then " I want to come back here for my honemoon. It would have a lot of meaning."
"Yes," says KMu. "I'm not sure who it will be with yet, but it's gonna have a lot of meaning."

After topless leaping into the ocean at sunset, GPow and El Piloto head to dinner out by the ocean. GPow has bedazzled the shit out of her dress and headband, which the Flying J thinks is great (likely because she looks like a landing strip). He wants to "create an environment of peace" for GPow, where she will feel comfortable "opening up." He would love to see GPow "Open up completely." How fortunate that being with him has "Opened her up so much." PMu starts laughing.

El Piloto decides to sell himself. Under the category of "Who Really Says That," Jacques says "One thing I do is put others ahead of myself. You know, someone to take care of me if I take care of them. Actually, I'd *probably* take care of you regardless. That's what I bring to marriage." We are speechless, as, apparently, is GPow. "Wow, guys don't KNOW that," she says. "I've never met a guy who could say half the stuff you just did." We wonder, for the zillionth time, who GPow has been dating, and then whether ABC has gone all low-budget on the fantasy suite as Jacques leads GPow to . . . a big hammock. While having a hammock in our home is on our Bucket List, we must put that dream off a few years so as to block the memory of this:
"Swinging on a hammock with Gia. It's like our bodies just . . . fit together. It was so romantic, with the water crashing underneath the hammock."
Which, of course, leads to the giving of the Fantasy Suite card. GPow accepts, and soon all of us find ourselves following the trail of clothing into the bubble bath. We think of scented, whipped air and vomit a little in our mouths. "Gia has grabbed ahold of my heart so hard," says El Piloto. Which, of course, is their business as we can't see Who is grabbing What under all those bubbles.

And off we go to Date #2 with TenAriel at Rodney Bay. Oh, El Piloto is so excited to see TenAriel, with whom he has connected on so many levels: family, values . . . um. As they leap into each others arms, he informs TenAriel that he is taking her to see The Passion of Jake: a helicopter ride to a sugar cane plantation, where they will have a picnic lunch in "Balenbouche," on the corner of a rain forest. We once went to a sugar cane plantation, which was a bit like being a whale and inhaling all the bits of sugar like plankton every time we opened our mouths. Okay, so we concede that some comparisons need not be made. But let the record reflect that we would be fat and toothless shortly under such conditions.

TenAriel, gentle readers, "hasn't had a picnic in years! Not with a boy!" She wants to know how El Piloto would "pursue her" in real life. With "exotic dates?" "Say we're at dinner," he responds. "Then literally, we could go to Kansas tomorrow." We have been to Kansas and don't find it particularly exotic, but ABe and the Mus correct me that El Piloto in fact said "CAMANS." Even so. TenAriel responds with "this is like a dream." And then "Everything we do together is so real." ABe concludes that this is the part where Aunt Jemima shows up and offers them pancakes.

Blah blah El Piloto again talks about how he brings commitment to a marriage, and TenAriel gushes that being with El Piloto has allowed her to feel passion again, since her ex husband. As they run down the beach and into the water, we once again cannot see what El Piloto is doing to elicit her "naughty boy" exclamation, but we must Walk It Off. Soon we head to dinner in the Courtyard of Melrose Place, and TenAriel is stressed because she "hasn't been with anyone since she was married." In addition, the "only person she has ever spent the night with was her ex husband." The Flying J suddenly develops Turrets:
"I thought we had such a great talk.
Great thing about it.
Be myself.
Never thought of it.
Means world."

what? More disturbingly, TenAriel says "Having been married before, it means so much to me that you've given me the opportunity . . . given my past." TenAriel? Married before? And Jake is a Pilot? This is Totally New Information. But also, TenAriel honey, the fact that one's husband cannot keep his penis in his pants does not make one damaged goods.

Suddenly, we don't care any more because we have realized two things. 1) El Piloto is wearing a Tuxedo blouse. "We're here! We're queer! We want to get married by the ocean!" chants ABe. And 2) El Piloto is leading TenAriel towards a soap statue of phalli.

One time we took a soap sculpture class, in which we made a big bunny out of a bar of Irish Spring and a baby bunny out of the spoils. We are not making this up. The big bunny still sits in one of our drawers. El Piloto apparently took the same class, with differing results. . Babies, this sculpture looks exactly, and I mean *exactly* like the Holy Trinity of Penii. We cannot look away, even when El Piloto says "I'm just gonna . . . sway back and forth with you" as he tries to dance, and she says "I'll let you take the lead," followed by, "Do you think you can lead me in life? That's what I want." Because we STILL CANNOT STOP LOOKING AT THE SCULPTURE.

Only moving on because we must, El Piloto is back to talking about "every time we kiss, I feel like I'm on a treadmill." We feel that way too, but only when we take the stairs. TenAriel reiterates that she is "feeling nervous because I've only been with one man."
KMu: "Wait, who?"
ABe: "I dunno, she hasn't mentioned it."
El Piloto offers the Fantasy Suite, which TenAriel accepts. Says El Piloto: "I cannot wait to . . . watch our . . . first sunrise." Yes, babies. Cockadoodle doo.

And suddenly, it is the date we have been waiting for: Le Sausage aboard a Pirate Ship!!! It's the very boat used in Pirates of the Caribbean, babies. And it is called: The Unicorn. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. We have vague memories of going on a fake pirate ship as part of some forced social outing in the past, and are pleased that El Piloto has found the eye patch, goblets, and skull-and-cross-bones bandana that we remember. Le Sausage and El Piloto are so "playful together," babies. Which is why she licks his face. And then fires a canon. And then climbs a rope ladder. At this point, we are not sure of the distinction between the Pirate Ship and Chuck-E-Cheese.

Now, if we were Le Sausage, there is no way in hell we would let some dude climb a rope ladder after us in our little swimsuit, because No One needs to see That. But we are suddenly grateful that we are not Le Sausage, as she is now ROLE PLAYING with El Piloto. Yes babies, he has a machete, which he has smacked on her behind, and is forcing her to walk the plank. "I want to please Vienna and Vienna wants to please me," says the Flying J and we Cannot Go On. We are sorry, but we just can't.

El Piloto takes Le Sausage to dinner in a gazebo, where she "wants to know what he thinks and feels." For her part, Le Sausage is ready to have children and be a mom, though she *does* want to wait to have children. El Piloto, in turn, concludes that he must "make sure it's not just sexual" between them. Suddenly, ABE has bolted to the other room, screaming. As we wait for her to return, Le Sausage continues: "When I told you my family is most important to me, when I become married, my husband becomes most important." Yes, we all know she has had some practice at that. El Piloto wants to know what type of ring she wants (thin band, bling), and she asks if he could see her has his wife. Yes yes, she wouldn't be here if he didn't. And then we . . . .

are in the fantasy suite. And Le Sausage is suddenly in a white negligee. With a black thong. With her soundpiece somehow tied to that thong. Because she wants to show him "another side" of her. And she wants to give him "a surprise." And all we can think (all of us) is that we feel sorry for the next person that has to wear that soundpiece. We see no more of this date, as it fades to black to the tune of cheesy flamenco passion.

But the rose ceremony is upon us. And of course, who must call this day but Ali! Begging to come back. Because this takes entirely too much time out of El Piloto Part 7, we are going to summarize it: Freedom's just another word for 'nothin left to lose" babies. Jacques doesn't let her come back because he's "moved on" with the other women, and she is "completely heart broken." And, we're sure we'll see her as our next Bachelorette, if we don't get GPow, because really what are our options.

Having kicked Ali to the curb, El Piloto refocuses on the roses he is about to hand out. Oh, he is in love with three different women for different reasons. We don't really care, because it is the video message episode and we love us a video message!! TenAriel, in her message to El Piloto, tinkles on about how she never in her "wildest dreams thought she would fall in love after such heartbreak." Wait, what heartbreak? Did we miss something? GPow gushes that El Piloto is a "remarkable person" and that she "never wants to let him go. " Oh oh oh, GPow your days are numbered, especially because you are wearing Solid Blue Sparkles. Le Sausage, on the other hand, is confident. "Hey sweetheart! I know you are the Man of My Dreams (unlike Billy Ray and also that other guy I married). I can't wait to wake up with you the rest of my life and flirt for the next 80 years." We don't care because she is wearing another crack ruffle, only this time it is floor length. We hate a crack ruffle.

And he picks:
1. TenAriel (ah, ahahah),
2. Le Sausage!!!!

NOOOO!! GPow gets the axe. She is completely graceful about it, even as she is crying: "You may have made a wrong decision, but I don't think you did, and I am very happy for you." Oh! Classy! We want to comfort her, particularly because El Piloto is now saying that he sees his future wife in TenAriel and Le Sausage, and GPow should really Want No Part of That Company.

Stay tuned for next week, when The Women Tell All!!!

KLo

El Piloto Part 6: In the Ghe-tto

2010-02-09T00:43:00.000-08:00

It is almost the "end of our journey," babies! We are at the hometown dates, which we jump right into with GPow, wearing yet another off-the-shoulder-tshirt-bedazzled-with-gold-paint. "I am so excited to be in NYC. This is me," she says. Which is, of course, the purpose of said dates. She has "never dated someone like" El Piloto, and can "finally let her guard down." As there is no better way to relax ones guard than on top of a boat with no one else around, GPow decides to show El Piloto the city by water. After changing clothes into a babydoll trenchcoat and stretch jeans, that is. There is something unsettling about this outfit, but we can't put our finger on it . . . .

Oh, the romance! GPow has brought a camera, and soon she is pointing out the empire state building, lady liberty, and so forth. Jacques, in a voiceover, talks delightedly about how "when I kiss Gia, I get lost in it. There is such a burning desire to know her . . . heart." KSco, satellite viewer, is traumatized by the choker he appears to be wearing as he makes such a confession. WE are traumatized by his choker, as on further inspection it appears to be some sort of Rastafarian relic. We are not quite sure how El Piloto managed to get ahold of this. But suddenly, we are more traumatized because GPow has taken off her jacket and KMu is screaming: "OH MY GOD IT IS GIRARDO'S RICO SUAVE VIDEO OUTFIT!!" It's true, babies. While she *is* wearing a shirt, it is a white lace tank top, with the same belt, same jeans, and same scarf (though not in her hair) as our beloved gigolo.

El Piloto and GPow stop making out long enough to discuss past relationships. GPow, gentle readers, has dated a cheater and a "young guy," would give her the silent treatment when they fought. We are unsurprised that she has dated some craptastic people, and also unsurprised that El Piloto comforts GPow that he does not resolve conflict in such a manner, and . . . off we go to dinner with mom Dana, Ponytailed step dad Tony, Stepbrother Eric, and halfbrother Dylan.

Okay, we love Donna. "My mom is very intuitive. She can read someone just like that," says GPow. She is also a total Broad. But we are mostly interested in her dress, which we are pretty sure is one inch away from being a silken t-shirt, or is already if only she would stand up straight. After much discussion about Having Ones Back around the dinner table, Donna hauls El Piloto out for some 1:1 time. "Is he gonna break my G's haht?" wonders Donna. "You're datin' 4 women at the same time, and one of 'em's my G? What makes Gia so special?" Apparently that G is "real organic" and "natural," to the Piloto.

Not so her brother Eric, whose hair we Cannot Get Past. Babies, he is Gilded. As Eric talks to GPow out on the balcony, we get a 360 view, and it is all somehow up in the air at the same moment, and moist . . . yet not moist . . . yet frozen in time with burnt auburn edging. One time, we dated a boy who bought fancy shampoo to bring out his highlights. We got in trouble when we teased him about his hairs and then realized He Was Serious about It. We are pretty sure that Brother Eric would be the same way. "Just watch out, aight?" he tells GPow. And then later to El Piloto: "She's been cheated on." Oh gee, we feel so much better that El Pilot is "not jealous, but _extremely_ protective" in a relationship.

And then, Donna and GPow drunkenly stumble out into the street and head for a ledge. The entire BNU watches in horror, ABE gasps "don'tsitdown!," but there is nowhere, NOWWHERE to look, gentle readers, but up Donna's silken sheath and From Whence GPow Came. GPow confesses to her mother that the "problem" she and El Piloto are having is that he does the same things with her that he does with the other women, such as handholding. We don't know what to say, and are still traumatized by our Journey Into the Origins. But ABe does: "where are all the black people?!? This is NYC!"

But before ABe can see a POC, we are off to another racially-diverse melting pot, Williamstown, Mass. to meet Ali's family. El Piloto has "real strong" feelings for this one, my dears, and is "ready to get real close" to her. We do not understand, because she is wearing spandex leggings and cowboy boots. When we were in high school, our friend LGi went to south Texas for awhile. And when she came back, she was wearing spandex leggings and cowboy boots. We gasped in horror, but soon we were wearing leggings too (and cowboy boots, but not together). So, on the one hand, while we can understand Ali's fashion choices, we do not understand why it is South Texas circa 1994 in Williamstown at this moment.

At any rate, Ali last went home for her grandma's funeral. After this fact, it remains important, gentle readers, for any man Ali dates to MEET her dead grandma, and to see how much she has shaped Ali's life. "I was thinking we could go to the estate sale . . . " says KMu. So off we go to Dead Grandma's House, where Ali lived during college. We see a picture of said Grandma, and conclude that Ali will not Age Well. Ali emotionally tells of her time with grandma, and how "right before she passed, I called her and told her that she was going to meet this boy [Jake]."
Whispering, KMu channels Dead Grandma: "Ali is going on a Reality TV show. I can let go now." As they make out in the front yard of Grandma's house, Ali says that "my grandma accepted Jake into our life at that moment" and that she was "in tears, looking down at us."
"Yeah, get the f*ck out of my house," says KMu.

So they do, and soon we are at Ali's house having dinner with mom Beth, sister Rya, and brother Mikey. We love Beth, who looks like our Mennonite ancestors right down to the suspiciously homemade-looking sweater, and their house that seems full of lived-in-ness. Beth tells El Piloto that she was impressed with a clip she saw of him on television, in which he was talking about Inner Beauty or some such nonesense, and later gives her blessing when El Piloto asks for permission to marry Ali (if, you know, he decides to pick her). In 1:1 time with Ali, mom Beth is an allstar. And then, we have The Confession! Ali tells El Pilot that she is "so happy" and that if he were to ask her today, she would say yes!!! "Finally," says Jacques, "I can take this glove off" (hahahhaa). Okay, not really, but he does take his gloves off at that moment to kiss her.

And then we are in Newburg, Oregon to see TenArial!! We are very tired, at this point, of watching women crotchrocket at El Piloto and swing around in greeting. We are also very tired of hearing about TenArial's ex. She is "so relieved Jake is not like her ex" babies. Which is why she is taking him to Harlem. "In the ghe--tto . . . and his momma cries .. . " we sing until we realize that it is not Harlem, but CHEharlem Dance Studio and we lose all our thunder. TenArial, my loves, started teaching dance there when she was "very little." And it suddenly makes sense. We are now quite confident TenArial began teaching at age 12, is called "Miss TenArial" by her students, won first place at the Tween Twirler awards a few years back, and got cut from the east coast So You Think You Can Dance auditions last year.

But none of this matters, babies, because TenArial wants to show El Piloto a "little bit of my insides." We secretly hope TenArial's insides aren't like Donnas, and this feeling Does Not Improve when TenArial announces that she expresses herself through dance. "My ex, "TenArial informs us, "never saw me dance. The dance that was in my SOUL." Which is why she choreographed a little dance especially for El Piloto. We start deep breathing and promise ourselves that so long as she does not start Signing to a Christian Music song, we will not start screaming. And then it starts, and these are things we Do Not Understand, in no particular order:
1. Why did she tape her feet? And moreover, why did she use that crappy water-proof tape?
2. Why is she wearing falsies? And biker shorts? (which never NEVER have been okay, even in a leggings-with-cowboy-boots world). Under a skirt?
3. why why WHY the pachabel canon?
We know that this is no "little dance" as the Pachabel Canon is like 6 minutes long. And while she is not nearly as bad a dancer in the studio as she was on the beach in El Piloto Part 1, we are still forcibly reminded of that awkward scene in A Chorus Line. You know the one (all of you): "Let me dance for you, let me trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyy, let me dance for you, we made a lot of music dancing you. and. I. . . . " We are convinced, after seeing numerous middle-aged women race around the stage in high-cut leotards during local theater productions, that this scene should be cut from every version of that musical except the movie version. And TenArial is about six inches from high cut leotards right at this moment.

Thank goodness we have dinner with Dad Rob, Mom Beth, and sister Carly. El Piloto is the "first guy" TenArial has "brought home since the divorce." We are starting to wonder when, exactly, this divorce occurred. El Piloto's largest concern, at this point, is that TenArial is "over her ex." Our largest concern is why TenArial's mother looks our approximate age (okay, maybe a little older). TenArial's biggest concern is making it on America' s Got Talent: "When I danced for Jake today, I got all choked up," she announces at the dinner table. Betty wants to know: "So, TenArial got to show you what she loves to do. When is she going to see what you love to do?" El Pilot stares blankly at her and then says "Oh, you mean aviation?"
Jake? Is a Pilot? Damn, I completely forgot.

Okay, so then we have a series of 1:1s that can be summed up very easily. Dad Rob is relieved that El Piloto's priorities would be to his wife and family. TenArial, says Rob, would bring a lot of "joy into a home." Crap, WE would bring a lot of joy home with us if we didn't have to work (which we are going to be late for shortly babies. Apologies.). Betty gets choked up because the ghost of husbands past has traumatized TenArial, and she will likely have some spillovers from her divorce for "awhile." But if anyone is ready for a quickie marriage after a painful divorce, "It's TenArial." We at the BNU decide that it would assist All Involved if ABe's dad stepped in for the parents at the Hometown Date stage of this show: "So, do you vote? Have a job?"

El Piloto ALSO asks TenArial's dad for his blessing to marry TenArial, TenArial announces that her "heart feels safe" with him, and we are onto more important things: How Sausage is Made.

Le Sausage is the last of the hometown dates, and the only one to wear impossibly short shorts and about 2o layered t-shirts over a swimsuit. "There is just something real natural about Vienna and I," says El Pilot and we have no words. Except maybe "silicone." and "injectibles." and "wtf." She is a Florida girl through and through, according to her, which is supposed to explain the outfit, the giant golden charm necklace, and the fact that they are now on a pontoon boat in which he is awkwardly lying across both of her legs while simultaneously driving.

Le Sausage, my babies, is ready Not to Make the Same Mistakes Twice, with respect to her prior marriage. That's why she went to school and has done "everything she wants to do," at age 23, and is now ready to try again. And even if this sentence does not strike cold hard fear into the heart of El Piloto, we do not understand why the hair of Le Sausage's sister, Kayla, and mother Lisa, do not. If sheepdogs could talk, Kayla and Lisa would find their pack. We challenge Kayla and Lisa to a hair-off with GPow's Brother Eric.

At any rate, Le Sausage's father, Vincent, is in tears. As he kisses Le Sausage's little dog, which he has been carrying in her absence, and puts her down on the floor, he turns to Le Sausage with hugs and kisses and weeping and gnashing of teeth over how the last few weeks (five?) have been so long. Later on, in 1:1 time, Vinny questions whether Le Sausage is falling for El Piloto. "Oh, I am falling for him, and really hard. I've loved people before, but never been IN love," she says. So, she has liked boys, but not LIKE liked boys before. We understand now. Vinny later tells El Piloto the Facts of Life with Le Sausage in the shed over Vinny's motorcycle: "I've always treated her just like a princess and I expect you to do the same. And she'll do the same for you. Your house will be clean and your kids raised good." Once again, we have no words.

And El Piloto, bless his misguided heart, is "failling hard for Vienna." The other girls, he tells Le Sausage's family, don't like her because they are "jealous" of his attention to her. Yes yes, says Kayla, Le Sausage has been dealing with that all her life. But El Piloto is in love with her "brutal honesty," and it is scary to Fall So Hard. This date ends with Vinny's admonition to keep 12 inches between El Piloto and Le Sausage while they make out on the sofa.

And finally, it is the day of the rose ceremony! But, CRISIS, there is a knock on the door, and it is Ali's grandma "I am the ghost of Christmas past," she says. Okay, not really but it IS Ali, and she has come with some bad news: she must choose between going home to work, or losing her job to stay with him. And she needs him to help her make that decision.

Okay, we have Had It. This was semi-believable in Season Miss J, when Ed suddenly had to leave for work after nine years of Bachelor contestants had no employment issues with filming this show. But to have it happen again is totally not credible. And also, El Piloto is being a total Weenie Tot about it. "Life is about minimizing your regrets," he tells her. "I can't look you in the eye and tell you that you're going to get the final rose . . . but I can't look you in the eye and tell you that you won't, either.' Grrrrrrl, you better get your track shoes on. We are wholly unimpressed with El Piloto right in this moment and want to pull Ali up from her little shoulders (ABe is convinced she is teary for lack of food) and tell her to Dodge the Bullet. DODGE THE BULLET, Ali. That is all. But she is not ready, and decides to Announce Her Decision at the rose ceremony.

Which is upon us. As Ali gets out of the limo, we hear El Piloto say that he will do a backflip if she stays, devastated if she goes, and unable to make that decision for her. GAH. It is called making a decision together, dumbass. But we are distracted from El Piloto's dumbassery by Le Sausage, who has chosen to show up in a dress with a crack ruffle up the back. Yes babies. It is a ruffle. Along her crack. Fortunately, we love GPow's red dress, which more than makes up for the crack ruffle and TenArial's subsequent Ode to Green Satin Tunics.

But oh no! Ali asks to speak with Chris Harrison! He takes her to the deliberation room, where El Piloto hauls her legs into his lap (ooo, GPow is gonna be pissed) and we have like, 15 minutes of hemming and hawing. These are my thoughts: Pull the Trigger. And also, Ladybits (as they are on display). ABe, channeling her father once again, shouts "don't be dependent on no man for nothing!" and, finally hearing the wisdom of our beloved LBe I, Ali says she "must go." So now HE starts to cry, they walk to her departure limo, and he says "I feel you are slipping right through my fingers and I don't know how to stop you." Yes yes, Ali is exactly like Sands through the Hourglass. Now lets get on with it.

Jacques returns to the ceremony after a brief stint of weeping over the bannister, decides he must find his inner strength to shoulder on, and picks . .. no one. "Well, come get your roses, ladies. I don't have to give them out anymore," says he.

Stay tuned for next week, when we go to St. Lucia with Le Sausage, GPow, and TenArial, and El Piloto gets a call from Ali. Shocked, we are.

KLo

El Piloto Part 5: Great Is Thy Faithfulness

2010-02-02T00:14:00.000-08:00

TenArial has overloaded on the lip gloss again, babies. She is greased up like a watermelon in some twisted Camp game as we head into El Piloto Part 5, tinkling on and on about how it's so exciting to be at the point of meeting families, almost and maybe if she doesn't get cut. We are still on the ginormous RVs, but are going to be stopping in . . . San Francisco!! "It's so romantic," says Le Sausage, "I've never been in a big city before." WHAT?

El Piloto meets the RV at The Intercontinental, wearing his horrible leather jacket. "Have some Madiera, M'dear," we mutter to ourselves, and then realize that he is no Continental, Inter- or otherwise, and that these ladies have nothing to fear. He awkwardly presents the ladies' new digs as if he made them himself in Naked Carpentry class, and dumps a date card on the table before he leaves. It's for TenAriel!!! "Let's get our Love on Track in San Francisco." TenAriel is so excited to have a date that she has eclipsed the pitch of dog whistles. Her heart is pounding, gentle readers, and she would be devastated if she were sent home.

"I am prejudiced against people who wear eyeliner all the way around," says ABe, wholly unsympathetic to TenAriel's anguish. ABe, it seems, is into the Sutter Home Chardonnay again. But now we ALL are. "The introduction of mini-bottles may have been a miscalculation," says KMu.

Moments and a hard edit later, The Flying J is picking up TenAriel for their date in. . . . a liturgical dance turtleneck. This is our thing (all of us). We don't like liturgical dance. We realize that some people find it Deeply Meaningful, Etc., but we are convinced that it is mostly done by people who didn't move enough as children, and who consequently feel the need to leap around in pinafores and turtlenecks frantically waving banners of bright colored cloth. In that way, we suppose liturgical dance fits San Francisco, but it does not fit El Piloto.

Anyhow, El Piloto kumbayas TenAriel onto a streetcar, while she tinkles on and on like a 5 year old. She has so much love to give, my dears. Oh, and here we are in China Town, which is "amazing, like a foreign country," to Jake. Well THAT explains why the Flying J tries on a hat with a little braid out the back while TenAriel tries on the traditional chinese rice-picker-in-a-photograph hat. We bet these people would buy bandanas with fake dreads glued on it in Jamaica.

Somehow, we find ourselves at a fortune cookie factory. Okay, we used to buy boxes and boxes of fortune cookies for ourselves in college. Which is why a date here would be a total disaster for this viewer, as we would instantly abandon El Piloto for a room full of said cookies, where we would be found 10 days later with a fistfull of fortunes and a belly full of that sweet cardboardy goodness. In the face of so much temptation, TenArial and El Piloto show remarked restraint. He feels "chemistry growing." (ABe: "I'm growin now, just lookin' at you girrrl."). They make out in the fortune cookie factory gift shop, later to be found listening to a Chinese bagpiper in a backalley.

TenArial searches for the right words, so overcome is she: "Finding love in San Francisco would be . . . . . " Like millions of gays everwhere.

While TenAriel and El Piloto are getting ready for dinner, we flash back to the ladies in the hotel room, where the next date card has arrived. We did not realize a person could wear so much spandex as Corrie Rivers leaps for the card. And then we realize she is 22 years old. 22 = spandex. 32 = fleece with an expandable waist. Trust me, babies. "Come be the Queen of My Castle." the card reads. And it's for . . "Ali and Vienna," says Corrie Rivers. . . followed by a heartstopping moment of silence, followed by "just kidding." The card is really for GPow and Le Sausage, but now Ali is totally lacking in what JShro calls "Good Home Training." The GHT deficient is full on display as Ali, in front of Le Sausage, tells everyone how her heart was beating "so fast" at that, and then tells Le Sausage that her over-reaction is not personal and has nothing to do with Le Sausage, which is so clearly a lie that we have just lost all patience. Le Sausage is pissed and storms off, as she has good reason to be, even though she will Not Age Well.

So back we go to TenAriel and dinner at Coit Tower. Just as the Washington Monument is the starchy no frills Peoples Penis of the righthanded states, Coit Tower is the brilliantly lit, bejeweled Peoples Penis of the Left. Once again, leave it to the gays to make everything pretty.

TenAriel and El Piloto are having dinner on Coit Tower's. . . um, tip. And talking about her marriage: "So, what mistakes did you make in your marriage that you would be conscious of again," El Piloto asks. Well, THAT's presumptive. And she responds: "Oh, I took some things for granted. And I will never take those moments for granted again, no matter what they are . . . jumping up off the couch or out of the kitchen when he comes home to greet him." WTF. There is something not connecting here because generally, these comments would come from someone who had a good 1950s marriage. And also, who bit off her eyebrow? We admonish TenArial's over-aggressive waxer. Next question: "So, what does marriage look like to you?" To which she says, "People have so many unrealistic expectations."
Sayeth KMu: "Like monogamy?"
What does marriage look like to him, dear readers? "Love, honor, respect. Marriage is never going to be perfect, but love can be." Barf.

And then TenArial asks Our Favorite Question In the History of the Bachelor:
"So, pilots and faithfulness?"
Ahahahahhahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa. "Yes," says KMu, "Death. Taxes. Unfaithful Pilots." But El Piloto has it all figured out: "Cheating is a choice," he earnestly vows, "and the woman I marry will be the last woman I look at." Looks like there's gonna be a lot of groping in the dark going on in his future.

They open their fortune cookies, both of which say "kiss me," and she ends the evening in tinkly kisses as On The Wings Of Love, the oboe and synthesizer rendition, swells in the background. Abe, KMu, and I are going to bring our recorders next week.

Back at the hotel, the next date box has arrived . . . and it's a coffin. It is at this point that ABe informs me that we are, in fact, related through the Hostetler Massacre. That's right, babies, ABe is the Person of Color cousin to my white self, linked by our blue eyed ancestors who were spared in the massacre of 1757. But for said sparing, we would not be here to bring you the BNU every week. We are not making this up. At any rate (and we could write volumes here, trust us), we will leave you with that, and also with KMu's thoughts on the issue: "In keeping with the San Francisco theme, it looks like you and ABe can never marry."

So we open the coffin to find sequins. Piles and Piles of Sequins. "I thought I would give you all some options to get decked out for our date. I'll pick you up shortly," the card reads. Either Estelle Getty has bequeathed all her dresses to The Bachelor or El Piloto has no taste. We flash to our own days playing dress up, and the red polyester dress with fringies that we loved so dearly, the panythose cut and braided so that we could wear them on our heads and pretend they were long hair, and the sweaters we *might* have pulled out of the Dress Up Box years later to wear in Real Life. Somehow, all of these things are still better than the fuschia solid sequin tank top that Le Sausage winds up squeezing herself into, and the royal blue lace dicky with sequins that GPow finds. Ew ew ew.

We have not recovered from these horrible, horrible outfits when we arrive at . . . another vineyard stretching out in front of a ginormous castle. "I am the Dread Pirate Roberts. There can be No Survivors! The Dread Pirate Roberts is here for your sooooouuuuuuuuuls," announces ABe as El Piloto appears on the stairs. Our favorite part of this shot is the camera man in the red ball cap hovering behind him.

The Flying J, it seems, is "nervous to go on a 2:1 date because I can't figure out how to split the time." No shizz, given the *awesome* Ella/Kathryn date last week. As for Le Sausage, she is just excited: "I'm my dad's princess. I'm Jake's Queen, and he is my Prince Charming." Poor GPow is shrinking into the woodwork behind her. But, they are both incredibly excited to discover that they are staying in the castle overnight!!! As they settle in for dinner, Le Sausage tells Jake: "You had me shaking in my pants at the rose ceremony. " We are pretty sure she is not talking about pants pants, and then get confused because we are pretty sure she does not wear lady pants either. And then, she starts to CRY. "When you came back in and saw Ali crying . . . it was ME that was holding back because of what SHE said. It was hard to hold on. And so after the rose ceremony, I couldn't anymore." Okay, these are the biggest, fattest crocodile tears. And also, GPow is sitting right there. Awkward.

So El Piloto reacts to Le Sausage as any man would: "Gia, let's go for some 1:1 time." After, of course, reassuring Le Sausage that she is there because he wants her to be.

GPow and The Flying J wander off into the bowels of the winery for some alone time, during which GPow confesses that she is insecure, made even more so by the fact that the girls previously were discussing how El Pilot liked each and every one of them to put their legs on his lap, and how she didn't realize that was the case because she thought it was just "their thing." Again, we are not making this up. El Piloto reassures her that she's "cute, sweet," that he's really into her, and that he is "falling" for her.
Query: "Is it okay to fall?" GPow whispers.
Answer: "It's okay to fall."
RAGE. BURNING RAGE. We are on a plane to write dialogue for ABC, stat.

But by now, Le Sausage's meat has gone cold (badabing), and so she is now wandering the winery, carrying a lantern and bleating "Jake? JAKE???" She's lost, babies. Lost, and cold, and hungry (because she didn't eat her salmon, stupid girl), and just wants to find El Piloto. Which she does, eventually, and gets her 1:1 time:
"I am keeping my eye on the prize," she tells him. We really hate that phrase. But we hate her thoughts on marriage even more: "I want to feel like a 6 year old kid every single day." (We are pretty sure this is illegal in all 50 states). "I want to have fun with my husband, to travel. (Well, the bar is low on that one considering she has NEVER BEEN TO A CITY.). But, El Piloto keeps it original by telling her that he's falling for her too, adn then we are done with dinner.

Le Sausage and GPow are sharing a room that night in the castle, but Le Sausage really wants to sneak down to see El Piloto, so once again she takes her lantern, wine glasses, vino, and wanders down. Ahahahaa, he has a giant knight in shining armor painted on his walls. As he lays there awkwardly, she attempts a toast: "To new beginnings. Finding love. Not having to go back to my own bed." He eventually kicks her out, but we still must deal with this: "I was laying there. Not quite nekkid. She was close. Very sexy. Two glasses of wine. I assure you, I had dirty thoughts." GAH.

Meanwhile, the next date card has come for Corrie Rivers. (Suck it up, babies, because we have two more dates to go). "Love is a walk in the Park." it says. Since, apparently, we are done with GPow and Le Sausage, we jump right into this date. Corrie Rivers is, hands down, wearing the ugliest and most impractical outfit on El Piloto Part 5. Despite the fact that they are WALKING in the PARK, Corrie Rivers selects 1) a 3/4 length tight dress, 2) leggings, and 3) patent leather high heels. "That is one fugly outfit," says ABe. We secretly laugh when El Piloto drags her into a boat in that getup.

This date is mostly tragic, and so we will be relatively quick:
There you see her.
Sitting there across the way.
She don't got a lot to say.
But there's something about her.
And you don't know why.
But you're dying to try.
You wanna kiss de girl (la la la la la).

Needless to say, he doesn't. He'll go 80 if she'll go 20. She's only willing to go 10 if he'll go 90. She's saving herself for marriage. He approves of this, but you know it means she's toast. At last, they manage to kiss in front of a ginormous fish tank after dinner. "FINALLY." says KMu. "Even I was getting blue balls over here."

As Corrie Rivers' date grinds to a halt, Ali has gotten the last date card: "I want to leave my heart in San Francisco. Show me your city," it says. Oh! Ali is excited because this is her very living quarters. WE are excited to see some nice clothes, even if her boots are a World of No. Le Sausage thinks it "sucks" that Ali gets to show El Piloto around town. We try to care.

So let's see. Date Ali starts with an introduction to the San Francisco skyline, where she points out the apartment complex in which she lives, followed by a random walk around the neighborhood. He buys her flowers ("You're my flower," she says. NOOOOOOO), and they talk about how it would be fun to have a place in Dallas and a place in "SF," which sounds totally awkward coming from El Piloto's lips. They have a drink at a little cafe, where El Piloto takes a big swig of a foamy latte and goes in for a kiss with all that frothy nastiness around his mouth. We know that this date would end a Firey Death right here if it were with This Bachelorette, as we would likely vomit on the Bachelor. They talk about her work (ooo, looks like this date is going for a firey death anyway) and she reassures him that she only works 5 days a week, but that she checks her email every day.

Ali and El Piloto wind up at the Golden Gate Bridge, or some park associated therewith, where Ali tells El Piloto that she runs (not anymore. Smart choice announcing that on national television, Ali.). And, they see a Pelican eating a crab. "SEBASTIAN!!!" gasps KMu. Somebody tell TenArial, for she will be sad. Blah blah Ali straddles El Piloto and they kiss on a blanket. Blah blah champagne in the sunset. Blah blah she completely sidesteps all questions about Le Sausage, and claims all she really cares about is his happiness as she mutters *diebitchdie* under her breath. Aaaand, they run into the water in her big tall leather boots. Bet those were fun on the walk home.

So here we are at the rose ceremony. One time, we made the mistake of watching Hoarders, in which the clean up crew discovered not one, but three dead cats flattened under the junk in this woman's house. Those cats have been turned into a hairpiece, and that hairpiece is on Le Sausage's head. We CanNot Look Away from the dead cat hairpiece nest. Okay, but we do look away long enough to secretly long for Ali's outfit, a la black and white saucy barrister. And also, to watch TenAriel confess to El Bachelor that she is nervous he is falling for a bunch of women at the same time and (nonsequitor) "when are we going to dance?" So of course, they do.

Meanwhile, Corrie Rivers has gone all transparent on us. She looks lovely, but homey needs a steak. It's okay, honey, you'll be going home soon and can comfort yourself with some Chubby Hubby. GPow is not much better, though she has covered her skinniness with a satin sheet fringed with fake peacock feathers. But we actually like GPow, and so we will abstain from all further commentary.

And then: why Why WHY is El Piloto so captivated by Le Sausage? We know he is from Texas, and we know they love their meat, but seriously. He wants to do something "special," for her, so he actually hauls her down to the room he's been sleeping in to look out at the city skyline through the balcony, and vows to us all that he will stop holding back with her. Apparently, gentle readers, he pulled away so as to be fair to the other women by not shutting them entirely out, but that is At An End. Proving, once again, that you cannot stop a man from running with scizzors if he wants to. I mean, really.

Ding ding ding Chris Harrison announces that it is time for deliberation, and we have these last thoughts. El Piloto and TenArial are looking for the same things in life. "But would you say she's a Ten out of Tenley?" ABe wants to know. GPow "may be the most insecure." Corrie Rivers is a "good, sweet girl" and total toast. He "loves Ali's temperament" (uh oh, more toast). But Le Sausage, well SHE is exciting, and you "never know what she's going to say."

Predictably, he picks:
1. TenArial
2. Ali
3. GPow
4. Le Sausage.

Corrie Rivers goes home! Clearly drunk in her exit interview, Corrie Rivers cries to the camera about not opening up. We feel bad for her, but she is 22 and we promise, in another decade, she will not even remember it.

Stay tuned for next week, in which we learn that GPow's mom is A Broad.

KLo

El Piloto Part 4: China Baby

2010-01-26T01:02:00.000-08:00

ABe has found the mini bottles of Sutter Home and is now drinking Through The Pain (nothing but the best, babies) as we begin El Piloto Part 4 with a sea of velour track suits. Rosy Fingered Dawn has appeared, and she has brought Chris Harrison with an announcement: Jake will have some "great dates" this week, including an individual, group, and 2:1 date. But "things will be a little different. "

As Chris encourages the women to go outside to see their suprise, the ladies race towards two ginormous RVs . . . which we learn ABC has forgotten to unlock when Ali slams into the door of one instead of opening it. We secretly wonder if Le Sausage thought the surprise was BEHIND the buses, a la Extreme MakeOver. We shout "Move That Bus!!!" and then are sad to learn that we are merely looking forward to an RV trip up the coast of California. At least Ella is excited. "Ah ahm fixin to get ohn that RV. This is gonna be so dahng fuhn." She is "ready to get mayh relationship rollin down the highway of love." We are not making this up.

So Ali, Jessie (who ARE you?!????), Ella, and TenAriel (ah ahahah) get the first bus, with Le Sausage, Corrie Rivers, Drunk Ashleigh, and, we think, and GPow on the second bus. We don't really know where Kathryn lands, as we are more distracted by the fact that she looks like the Grinch. But somebody gets a camcorder to film the "fun." Blah Blah Ella finds a snake and terrifies Le Sausage. Blah Blah El Piloto and/or his stunt double follow behind on the motorcycle. Our highlight is when GPow suggests that the 2:1 date should go to Ali and Le Sausage because "that would be like Tyson and Holyfield." Ahhahhaha, we like GPow.

And then we are at our first stop: A Vineyard. El Piloto, dear readers, has Pitched His Tent amidst a sea of grapes. According to TenAriel, he is "rugged and lookin' like a man." We are more interested in Jessie's pants, which are a) pencil jeans; b) black; and c) slashed from inseam to outer leg. And also, WTF is up with the Robin Hood boots, all of you people.

Anyway, El Piloto hands GPow the first date card to read, after he motorcycles over the hill to his little tent. And she reads: "Gia, Let's go over the moon and under the stars." Oh oh oh!!!! We jump the river and race through the woods to El Piloto's tent, where he is now shaving with his shirt unbuttoned from neck to navel, 20 dop kits all around him, a compact, and a mini-razor. After we pick ourselves up off the floor, we realize that GPow is also getting ready . . . in a full body suit, stilettos, and one of those chinese lamp shades that May or May Not be found in college dorms across America, cinched with a wrestling belt. Le Sausage is convinced that GPow is "all wrong" for El Piloto because he is a country boy and she is so Big City. Um, Le Sausage?

El Piloto again crosses the 10 yards separating his camp from the ladies' RVs to pick GPow up on his nerfcycle, and then . . . Heartbreak. Having enjoyed a meteoric rise from the Ashes of El Piloto Part 1 in this viewer's estimation, GPow has Peaked Too Soon and is hurtling towards the earth. "Let's play Hide and Seek" she suggests. Because, nothing could blend in further than a be-spandexed black and blue woman in stilettos hiding behind a couple grape vines. Though, in fairness, she could probably be concealed by a pole. Anyhow, Jake agrees that this is "so much fun," and they play for 10 seconds, until he finds her, she crotch-rockets onto the front of him "like a froggy" and he carries her off for wine and cheese.

But the fun is not over. Over wine, GPow confesses that her parents took her out of school because her shoes were stolen and she was picked on so much. Jacques attempts to relate, stating that he was called "Mr. Dateless" in 9th grade.
"Why?" asks GPow.
"Well, it really wasn't a riddle," Says KMu.
But GPow, now on a roll, is describing how her first kiss was miserable because it was during Spin the Bottle. Which is why, of course, the Flying J decides to recreate the misery: "If we polish this bottle off, I bet it would spin pretty good on this cheese tray." This viewer's E! True Hollywood confession is that we are Pretty Sure we never played spin the bottle or if we did, it was in SGra's barn when we were in 4th grade, but this does not stop the shame and trauma from flooding back with GPow's instruction that the first spin = cheek, the second spin = lips, and the third spin = "all over." WTF. And also, this is not the game we remember.

Blah blah the "all over" kiss that eventually comes looks suspiciously like the "lips" kiss, GPow says it was the best kiss of her life, and off we go to dinner of "hot dogs and s'mores" before a raging fire Jake builds himself with his very own Perfectly Shaped Kindling and firestarter. As GPow is choked by smoke, El Piloto informs her that "they say the smoke always goes to the pretty ones." The riveting conversation continues after dinner, where GPow plans their life together: "Well, if it is you and I (YOU AND ME. RAGE.), I would like to be engage for a while. I'd like to be married and have children before 30. Two children and a little girl from China." Okay, she did not just play the China Baby card. And also, she wants a "pot bellied pig." We are speechless. El Piloto, however, is not. He has "never thought about" adoption, but could be open to it. Well, somebody tell Ella.

GPow gets the rose, to the instrumental version of "On The Wings of Love."

Back at the campfire, the next date card has come for: Jessie, Drunk Ashleigh, TenArial, Ali, Le Sausage, and Corrie Rivers. "Next Stop: Falling Inn love," it reads. But everyone is more interested in the fact that Ella and Kathryn are left out, meaning they get the 2:1 date. Oh! As we motor off towards the group date destination (Pismo Beach), TenAriel wonders "could this be my husband?" and Ali thinks "that F*ing Sausage. I'm gonna cut a bitch," and El Piloto's stunt double drives the nerfcycle along the ocean to meet the chickies. "Be prepared to get extremely dirty," he says, upon taking his stunt double's place.

Surprise! We have dunebuggies!!! Ali tries to fry her some Sausage as she pounces on the shotgun of whichever buggy El Piloto is driving. "Whatever, have your 30 minutes in a dunebuggy," says Vienna. "I'm gonna marry him." After various moments of leaping through the dunes, Jessie gets the buggy stuck that she and Le Sausage are driving. Le Sausage, who we only forgive for wearing Uggs at the beach because we have recently purchased our own and now Cannot Take Them Off, cannot even move said buggy with the weight of her fake tatas. So, joyous day, El Piloto comes and rescues them!

But soon we are buggies no more. Instead, we are sandboarding down the dunes. Okay, we did this once in Dubai. First, it is slow. Second, we still fell down. After Jake forces TenAriel to roll with him down the hill, TenAriel thinks its "so much fun!!!" to have sand in her mouth and we now KNOW she is lying. How fortunate that Jake decides to "slow things down a little" with some wine on the beach. . . . until he decides to roll down the hill again with Corrie Rivers. Okay, is it just us, or are we (all of us) feeling like we are trapped in a nursery rhyme? Already, we have been over the river and through the woods. Now, NOW we are tumbling down the hill. What, what could possibly be next???

Oh, that's right: The Madonna Inn, where Jake can fulfill his every virgin/whore fantasy of Ideal Womanhood, and where we are pretty sure Sleeping Beauty died, Hansel & Gretel laid their last crumb, and Goldilocks decided the porridge was really, in fact, adequate. We are completely overwhelmed by the wrought iron and theme rooms as the girls get ready for dinner.

So when we were in 8th grade, we desperately wanted a minidress. You know the kind (all of you): one piece, drop waist, 1980s plaid or whatever. And one day after ballet, we forced our entire family to stay in J.C. Penney for hours looking through racks and racks of these dresses, trying to find the Perfect One. We went home emptyhanded, but our father bought some hideous jeans in retaliation. We always wondered what happened to all those dresses, and now we know: they were packed in moth balls awaiting this Very Night. We are terrified as we watch Dress After Dress: Tenarial: black t-shirt on top, shiny metallic petals on the bottom. Horsey Poof in the hair (RAGE). Le Sausage: black t-shirt on top, white and black flowers on the bottom. Horsey Poof. Drunk Ashleigh ; Horsey Poof and. . .Stop The Presses. Drunk Ashleigh is wearing a WRAP AROUND FORMAL SHORTS JUMPSUIT and gladiator shoes.

Jake seizes Drunk Ashleigh for some 1:1 time and really, we cannot blame him because we cannot look away either. Except they end up in a teal leather room, which is "her favorite color," there is no conversation, she is all wrapped around him, and . . she is not wearing any underwear and is, apparently, not a real blonde. We desperately try to blot the memory of Drunk Ashleigh's ladybits as El Piloto attempts to take Le Sausage for some 1:1 time, only to be refused because she "wants to go last." So he takes Ali instead, and to a different room than Drunk Ashleigh. We wonder why, until KMu explains that it is so that ABC does not have to change the sheets.

Blah blah 1:1 time with Tenley is uneventful except that we learn her ex-husband, a cop, left her for another cop (female. Damn) and that she hasn't dated since. We are growing very tired of the tinkly voices at this point, and so are only mildly interested when, in 1:1 time with Le Sausage, El Piloto tells her to stop egging on the other women and that sometimes the best course of action is to just not say anything. Ahahaha, point one: El Piloto. He likes her, gentle readers, but sees some "red flags."

Finally, this date is over, with TenAriel getting the rose. Corrie Rivers is pissed because she thought they Had a Moment rolling down the hill.

And, because we are all dreadfully bored at this point, we are finally FINALLY at date #3 with Kathryn and Ella. "Two girls, one rose. One stays, One goes" says the card. Ooooo!!!! This is dreadfully boring, even though it is supposed to be a Big Upset, and so we will make it brief:
Quiet dinner in Jake's cabin. Ella wants to know "what ahr you lookin for in a wife, a mother?" Jake says Faith. Ella says "For me, it's mayh son. Ah am lookin for someone increhdible for hihm, best for hihm, marry mah best fri-end." etc etc. Kathryn attempts to speek but fails, looking more grinchlike and sour. Ella, in 1:1 time, then says that she "wahnts you to see ah am more than just a mom." Really? Kathryn, meanwhile, is "so beautiful" that El Piloto "keeps getting lost" in her eyes. But she is Having None Of It and tells him he does not pay attention to her. Aaaaaand . .. he cuts them both!!!!

"This is the first of many decisions I am going to make that no one is going to understand and it is only going to get worse!" says El Piloto. Ooo, will Chris Harrison get the final rose in the end?

Alas, we must wait a little longer. We secretly think that the only reason ABC is letting the Flying J axe so many women is because the know (all of them) that this Season is Dreadful. And so, with only 7 women left at week three, we head into the Rose Ceremony. Poor Corrie Rivers is concerned that El Piloto does not know her as well as some of the other women. El Piloto has already reached a point with Ali, as they sit in silence during 1:1 time, that "nothing needs to be said." Jessie, in green eyeshadow and a terrible velvet black cocktail dress, earnestly entreats Jacques to ditch the Sausage. And, for Le Sausage's part, crosses her eyes in concentration and says that she hopes his family likes her, as none of the other women do.

El Piloto begins his Rose Ceremony speech: "This week, I got to see a lot of different sides of you." We wonder if this also means Drunk Ashleigh's back side, or possibly, her insides. He does not elaborate, as to join GPow and Tenarial with roses, he picks:
1. Ali
2. Corrie Rivers, and . .. .
He has melted down! Le Sausage, Jessie, and Drunk Ashleigh are awaiting the final two roses and El Piloto begins to cry, rushes off to who we think is Neve Campbell circa Party of Five, who rushes to find Chris Harrison, who is talking to Hurley fresh off the Lost Island and some chick in a pink coat, who says . . . "doyoureallywanttonotgiveoutanymoreroses???" when El Piloto seeks his advice. And it's true, babies!!! El Piloto, realizing he has painted himself into a corner with all of these women, is now terrified to keep any of them. So, Chris Harrison pulls a rose away, leaving only one, and that single rose goes to . . . .

3. Le Sausage. For the Win!!!! NOOOOOOOOO.

Ali is fuming. She has lost all self-edit as she heatedly whispers to Corrie Rivers that she canNOT believe Le Sausage is still there. Poor Jessie is sad. Drunk Ashleigh is furious to have been kicked to the curb for the likes of Le Sausage.

And we're done. Stay tuned for next week. Something about San Francisco.

K Lo

El Piloto Part 3: Should I Stay or Should I Go

2010-01-19T00:49:00.000-08:00

Chris Harrison has put a jacket over his pajamas and is espousing the need to "move on" after Cha Cha Gate as El Piloto Part 3 begins in the early morning air. We have already forgotten about Rozlyn and her "inappropriate relationship," and we are pretty sure the women have too. But oh oh oh, to cement that fact, here is date card #1 . . . for Le Sausage!! "Let's fall head over heels together," it reads. We are not entirely comforted, considering the flying theme of all prior date cards. If we were to write this date card, it would read: "Dear Sausage, our engine has blended a bird an we are Going Down. Come, let us Travel to the Center of the Earth."

But anyway, Le Sausage is so excited, she has whipped out her horrible crochet top again. Or maybe Michelle has merely sliced said top into a million shreds with her lazer-beam eyeballs of death. We have minimal time to ponder, as suddenly Jake is picking Le Sausage up on his Nerfcycle and all she "is thinking about is I'm holding onto him so tightened." hm. Meanwhile, the Flying J is noting that Le Sausage is "blunt. honest. intense. I've never dated a girl like that before. She's a little outside of my comfort zone, but on this journey, I want to take risks." Um, Jillian? And also, bunt cake anyone? Off Jake and Le Sausage ride to a cliffy outcropping, where they wait for . . . a helicopter (I am shocked). It is at this point when we get a good look at Le Sausage's top. When we were a child, we loved infomercials for the Latch Hook pot holder and this stapler that magically crocheted flowers into a blanket. Apparently, so did Le Sausage.

As the women back at the house discuss how "if he likes HER, then he will SO not like me," Le Sausage and Jake awkwardly helicopter their way straight into A Cravasse. Yay! They get to bond over their shared fear of dropping hundreds of feet into Nature's Crack! Jake "can't be strong 100% of the time," blah blah he has a panic attack and she is "so strong and nuturing" through it, blah blah blah. And then suddenly, "yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!" someone has let out a highpitched scream as the duo free-fall bungy jump, and KMu is pretty sure it is El Piloto. Of course, they share their first kiss 70 feet upside down.

Now we are at dinner, and Le Sausage has wrapped herself in an astroturf off-the-shoulder casing. They are also drinking wine from the most ginormous wineglasses ever as Jake and Le Sausage share a Deep and Meaningful Conversation: "What I am looking for in a wife is a nurturer. I saw a real nurturing side of you today. I would not have wanted to share this experience with anyone else." And also, "one thing I know," says Jake, "is that Vienna is here for the right reasons." Okay, Le Sausage is 23. But by now we are distracted from Le Sausage's post-college, pre-employment tendencies to focus all her concern and energy on El Piloto by the fact that they are sitting on THE KITTY. Sayeth KMu: "If somebody put a black light on that thing, it would look like a crime scene."

Blah blah they both want something special, and, after "You are so honest. I have asked you some pretty stern questions and you have such great answers," we aren't listening to their conversation because our eyeballs are bleeding with boredom. Blah Blah hot tub, strawberries, bikini with a butt ruffle to cover the diaper, and she gets the rose. She announces in her best little girl voice that she is "on cloud Jake right now!" and that the "best day of her life will be when she marries Jake." We wonder if she isn't a bit cross-eyed and rewind in slow motion to confirm. Yes, yes she is.

So here we are at the house again, and the Group Date card has come for: Corrie Rivers, Nanny-No-Nips, Ali, TenArial, Jessie, Drunk Ashleigh, Kathryn, and Batshit Michelle. "Love is no laughing matter, or is it?" says the card. Yes, send in the clowns, ABC. Oh, don't bother: they're here. Michelle, formerly mad not to get any date time with Jake, is now mad because she got GROUP date time with him.

We have our own fears and concerns as Jake brings the women to . . . John Lovitz's comedy club. "As you can see, we are at . . the club." says El Piloto, "sippin on some bubb, mama I got watchu need . . . ." Ok not really, but we have to sing something to get us through the terror John Lovitz's random, suspiciously tipsy appearance, and announcement to the group that they will indeed by doing their own stand-up routines . . . in front of a live audience!! Drunk Ashleigh, wearing an iron breastplate, starts to cry. So Jake gives her a joke that is "easy to memorize." Oh, this is going to be good. And so, our evening begins:
1. Ali: "Why was Tiger looking in the toilet? For Pooh!!" chirp.
2. Torrie: "My family is in the sequel to My Big Fat Greek Wedding: They're so Fat You Can't Even Tell They're Greek." chirp chirp. And also, we still don't know you.
3. TenAriel: Does a self exam, putting her feet behind her head.
4. Nanny-No-Nips: Thought she "found love in Utah, because [bleep and [bleep bleep]." El Piloto is all shocked that Ncubed is raunchy. Yes, Shocked I Tell You.
5. Kathryn, the only cleverish one, calls El Piloto onto the stage and encourages him to get closer and closer until he finally kisses her, and then announces that was her goal. Danger: Michelle is full-on 4 boiled bunnies in a rocking cradle at that one. And then . . .
6. Batshit Michelle's turn. Dear readers, she has already announced to the world that her first kiss with El Piloto will be "long and passionate. Soft. Crazy tongue in the mouth. Wild pulling of hair or whatever. Pulling the clothes off." We have had to shake it off already during the course of El Piloto Part 3, and yet she has no mercy on us:
"Anyone notice that there aren't any coconuts in these trees? They're on me, of course, waiting for Jake. " [insert heavyset man in audience shaking his head "oh hell no."]
"I've never been golfing before, but I see that I'm on the green . . . waiting for that hole to get time with Jake." [insert audience woman: "that ain't right."]
We, and the entire live viewing audience, are creeped out. So, after John Lovitz wordlessly acknowledges the fear we now all share, he segues to. .. .
7. Drunk Ashleigh. Except, not yet because she gets stage fright.
8. Corrie Rivers, and her impressions of the other women in the house. We understand that this is supposed to be funny, but we don't really think it is. And also, most of it is about Le Sausage, which discomfits El Pilot, mainly because he was born under a rock. "Poor Vienna, bless her heart, she wasn't here to defend herself," says he. And then finally. . . .
9. Drunk Ashleigh, take 2 comes on stage. Living up to her name, Ashleigh reads a series of sloshy blonde jokes and beats a quick retreat.

Thank god we are now halfway through the date, eating fondue in a "Penthouse." But we vomit a little as someone puts a marshmallow into the fondue pot, thereby destabilizing its suspended firmness into a jiggling mass of whippitude. To get us through, Babies, we must focus on Jake's riveting conversation about how he "knows how" everyone feels when he gives another woman a hug, but Must Do It for the good of the show and his future happiness.

We are taking one For The Team, Babies, as this is possibly the most Uneventful and Boring Bachelor Ever.

TenAriel then steals Jacques away for some 1:1 time, in which she tearfully reveals that she is divorced in her tiny little tea leaf voice. But this is our thing (all of us): ABC has been showing promos all week in which TenArial announces this very moment that (ah, ah ahah ah) she has indeed had the full panoply of human experience and is currently pregnant. Oddly, this little soundbite is totally missing from the episode itself. Once you jump the shark, ABC, you can't unjump it.

But whatever. We cannot be distracted by TenArial, as Michelle has accelerated from Code Yellow to a full on Four Bunny Code Red Alert in the span of 10 minutes. We blaze through 1:1 time with Drunk Ashleigh and Ali, both of whom we are liking less by their constant obsession over Le Sausage being Bad for Jake, as Michelle fumes more and more about other women getting time with him. We almost don't care that Ali is happy that Jake is happy that she is happy, and that he is happy in his job. Because, Gentle Readers, Michelle is up next and she is On a Mission: "I am ready to get married and give my mother another grandbaby. Everyone in my family says it is my turn. I am hear to find love and marriage. My brother has that. My mother wants that. I want that." [crying]. Speaking truth, Nanny No Nips comments that Michelle needs a therapist, not a husband.

And so the time with Jacques and Michelle begins:
Michelle: "It's true I have been crying, but I am not over-emotional or dramatic." [Says ABe, channeling Lucille Bluth: "Everything they do is so flamboyant and dramatic, it makes me want to set myself on fire!").
Jake: "I am really ready for this day to be over."
Michelle: "Me too. I feel like I am the only person here for the right reasons. I really really REALLY want a husband. . . . Would it be awkward if I kissed you to see if there was something . . . for me?"
[Corrie Rivers from down below: "They just kissed and I watched it." Yes, Corrie, and we all threw up a little.]
Michelle: "That's it? You have to give me more than that."
Jake: "Like I said, I am really ready for this night to be over."
Michelle: "I understand how you are feeling. And I must tell you that I must go home. To have this time with you and not be able to kiss you. . . "
Jake: "Dude, you've threatened to go home twice. So I think you should" [sidebar: what? Did Jacques just rise in our estimation?]
Michelle: "I can't believe this is happening! I have been kicked to the curb! I had no clue!!"

We feel the mental dots not connecting, and are secretly glad that Michelle is not around anymore, even if we still have Le Sausage to contend with. You see, my dears, Le Sausage has been busy making friends while we have been away. The final date box has cometh for Ella, and Le Sausage has stolen her thunder by preaching about how, after spending the entire day together, Ella will see how wonderful El Piloto is. This, naturally, precipitates a fight in which GPow tells her she has crossed the line, and so Le Sausage storms up to her room to journal: "Dear Jake, if you are reading this, it is because I am gone . . . That's right. I have died. Of dysentery."

So here we are on Date #3. Ella is so excited that she has worn her very best tunic, boots, and Christmas wreath. Her "day is fihnally heyhr," and of course, that day involves a helicopter ride to . . . SeaWorld. During said helicopter ride, Ella decides that the Flying J is "incredible, honest" and that she wants him to "know evahrything about mehy." Which is why they talk about Jake being a pilot (Jake? Is a Pilot?) and how she wishes her son, Evan, could be there to share in the pilotness.

Blah blah they sit and talk awkwardly at SeaWorld until Jake "surprises" Ella with her son. "Mehy little mahyn. Mehy baby. Meyh Gawd." she mumbles as she pats Evan all over his face. And this is our thing: damn you, ABC, for shoplifting the pootie. We are mad at the continual toying with the single parents, and the foisting of children onto the set. We choose our Harlequin romances for the absence of children and crazy hero names ("Stone" and "Stryker" to name a few) and so too should ABC. As Mr. T. told us long ago: "Mother. There is no other. Like Mother. So Treat Her Right." That is all.

Ella, El Piloto, and Evan feed dolphins and penguins, swim with dolphins, and have a picnic sitting alongside a giant stuffed Shamu. Naturally, Jacques/ABC has gotten a little toy airplane for Evan, who mostly plays while Ella talks about how he "is the ahngel ah never thought ah deserved." Jake asks what Ella would think about getting engaged at the end of this process, and she is ecstatic. Transparent as always, Jacques gives her the rose because "The only thing I have to offer is honesty. You are a great mother. And you are truly a . . . great mother." We are so depressed.

Fortunately, we get to go to bed soon because it is the rose ceremony! (and also, we love sleep). Off the bat, Nanny No Nips is up for some 1:1 time. "I'm going to ask you a really hard question," says she, "are you good at backrubs?" And suddenly, we feel the burning rage. You have six weeks with this person, woman, and you are spending all of your conversation time talking about how you might want to kiss maybe sometime and asking him about his backrub prowess. GAHH. And then, El Piloto snaps too, pointing out that she is the queen of mixed signals and that though he knows people who elect not to kiss before marriage for spiritual reasons, if that's not her bag, then it "isn't right." Oh oh oh, El Piloto we must shelter this small flame of common sense!!!

And then, Le Sausage cuts in. We hate her dress, which is blue satin, tight, with spanglies outlining the bust seems. Nanny No Nips is mad at the interruption, but really we have no use for her and so Go Meat! But we are, by now, irritated with Ali for continually heckling the crowd into turning on Le Sausage, and so our irritation only grows when Ali turns on Le Sausage again after Ncubed runs crying back to the other women. "I am not a fish in the pond, waiting for a bait," says No Nips. "I am still choosing him. He needs to remember that. I am 29 [*cough43*] years old and very selective. I don't need a date." We secretly love that these women come unglued when Jacques actually calls their bluff.

And he picks:
1. GPow: Off the shoulder, pink.
2. Corrie Rivers, who has glued all her various chains to her dress, so as not to lose any one of them.
3. TenArial, in full prom curl glory.
4. Ali. We heart her dress.
5. Jessie. WE DON'T KNOW YOU. And also, striped sequins is a World Of No.
6. Kathryn.
7. Drunk Ashleigh!!!

Valishia the homemaker and Nanny No Nips go home!! We feel bad for Valishia and not at all for No Nips.

Stay tuned for next week, in which we embark on Road Rules: The Bachelor. Ugh.

KLo.

El Piloto Part 2: Naked, Natural, and Me

2010-01-12T00:58:00.000-08:00

On this, our 110th (ish) episode blogged, we are slightly cheesed that we must spend it with a jolly green Can-Can dancer (Christina), Mini-mouse (Valishia), and half a dozen loose chrocheted tube tops that remind us forcibly of our days in southern Michigan. But . . . .squeel!!! . .. we jump right into El Piloto Part 2 with the announcement of the group dates. That's right, gentle readers, we are at That Point in which we have two group dates, one individual date, and a rose to be given on each. Whatever shall Jacques do?

Date#1 is for Rozlyn the model, Valishia the "homemaker," Corrie Rivers, Christina, and Drunk Ashleigh. "A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words" sayeth the card. Michelle is instantly upset, weeping because her name was not on the card (even though she has two more opportunities this week). We give her one out of four boiled bunnies for batshitedness. Christina looks forward to "my first date with my future husband." As for Jake, said potential future husband, he has unbuttoned yet ANOTHER notch in his shirt as he strides towards the house from his nerfy motorcycle. His life has been a series of "nice guy finishes last" but feels that he has turned a corner. Maybe into hoochyville, Jake. And also, you can't fix stupid.

So, off we go with orange juice in champagne glasses to . . . a hotel. "Oooo, do we get to stay here?" wonders one lady. Apparently not, though we do get to meet the Bachelor's answer to Tim Gunn: gay Hal in a pinstripe suit, a/k/a/ the fashion director for "In Style." They are doing a photoshoot!!! Corrie Rivers is excited: "In Style is my official monthly reading!!" But Christina starts to freak out because GPow and Rozlyn are real models (hahahhahha, she said "real."), and whatever will she, a "normal" girl do? Rozlyn, who apparently does a lot of wedding dress modeling, "kinda wants to bite" Jake because he looks so cute and makes a face because GPow "probably does lingerie modeling." Rozzie, no two sets of implants are born equal, and we are pretty sure GPow has the upper hand on that shizz.

Proving our point, Rozzie is the first to pose with the Flying J in a spangly scarf masquerading as a dress. She lifts her leg to expose her "little cha cha" to all the world, as Christina points out, but suddenly we don't care because, speaking of cha chas, we have just seen the hugest P.T. ever on BNU history. We hear "you must pay the rent!" and "my name is inigo motoya" and the theme song of Magnum P.I. as this unnamed photographer lisps into the view. "Just think of somsthing to do, and take a deep breath" advises him of the mooostache, and Christina puts aside all thoughts of GPow being fed strawberries (you KNOW how this viewer feels about that, all of you), Rozzie's cha cha, and drunk Ashleigh's channeling of Miss America to conclude . . . "it's just like prom all over again.!!" Jake twirls and dips Christina until we are ready for a group photo: an awkward number in which El Piloto poses like Captain America as the chickies play tug of war on his arms. "Really pull!" recommends Inigo.

Mercifully, it is now time for the cocktail/"wrap" party. Because El Piloto doesn't know how to have a first date, he asks GPow to tell him about her past relationships in their first 1:1 time. GPow, who we are liking more and more, is like "well, my first relationship was for six years, and that brings us up to my 12th birthday last year." Okay, not really, but she did date someone for six years. Winning us over, she also admits that she was not a popular kid growing up and was more artsy. Well, she is toast. Not so for Valishia, who is overheard telling the other women "I do teach womens' Bible studies, but I'm not paid for that." The mystery deepens as to how this single "homemaker" eats. But we heart GPow even more when, after Drunk Ashleigh fannies up in a swimsuit to steal El Piloto away, wanders back to the other women with a "wah WAH."

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, a date box has arrived!! Michelle pounces, opening the card to read "For the lucky girl who gets to 'take off' on tomorrow's date." We have several options here: (1) ABC has made a bad pun; (2) somebody is ready ready ready ready, ready to run; (3) someone's family has staged an intervention by mail: "Dear Baby, you will be LUCKY if you TAKE OFF tomorrow . . ." But no one is drinking that particular brand of kool-aid because Michelle is saying "diamonds diamonds Diamonds DIAMONDS!!" and opening a box to find the standard diamond necklace that usually shows up around Part 2. She wants to try it on, insisting with a feral gleam that maybe the person who wears it gets the date. "Now it's tainted" says some chickie as we fade back to the Group Date.

And on that group date, Christina has seized Jake for some drunken 1:1 time. "I rweally rweally like you. I cannot, like, zing her praises enuff. I wanna baby. ding ding ding ding." The Flying J, displaying his total lack of social skills, asks when faced with this: "So, when you go on vacation, what do you like to do?" Says KMu: "If you were a vegetable, what would you be?"

The sound of two exercise balls rubbing together saves little Jake, and we all look up to see Rozzie shaking her chest at him and asking for some 1:1 time. Christina is "a little peeved" by the invasion of the bridal model, and concludes that "we need shots." But by now, Rozzie has wrapped herself into a chenille tassled Snuggie with El Piloto, swimsuit a swimsuit, and completely swallowed his face to the tune of Skinemax music. "I don't know if I have ever dated a girl like Rozlyn," says Jake."I've dated lots of beautiful women, but SHE's mysterious." Seriously???? But then again, to a man who probably writes L and R on his socks so that they wear evenly, we can see his point. Christina, now wearing snow shoes from her ears, is "bummed" at this turn of events. We are relieved to know that she is also prepared for when Jake Gyllenhall rescues her from the library after the world freezes over.

Rozzie, now hanging against a chain link fence over a freeway (what kind of Bachelor is this again?), is waiting for The Flying J to return from "somewhere," which everyone knows means that he is getting her the Safety Rose. "Now that I know I'm not going home, my strategy is to be myself," she says in a later clip with sweatshirt dangling off her shoulder. Yes, when she's not stripping or welding, we think that's a good idea. But now we are traumatized because El Piloto has returned with the rose hidden . .. in his crack. "Milk milk lemonade, around the corner fudge is made," chants ABe quietly in the corner, and we suddenly have to Walk It Off. We are ALL surprised when he pulls said rose out of his crack and offers it to Rozzie, and she TAKES IT and acts all charmed and honored.

But now, with Bunny Alert on Orange, Michelle has nabbed the next date card (accompanying the diamonds) to read: "Come fly with me . .. Ali!!!" Now shooting daggers at Ali, who starts to CRY because she is so "happy" ("Dear Mom and Dad, I got your message but I can't. get. out.") , Michelle looks like she's going to start cutting. We are relieved when ABC does a hard edit to Ali, now wearing a yellow dress that only she and various other Seventeen models could pull off, learns she must Hike It Up and ride around on the back of El Piloto's motorcycle to get to their mystery date location . . . a terminal.

"Okay, this is just mean," says ABe, and we have to agree because Ali is afraid of flying, and now she's supposed to go up in a little "SkyHawk" with a pilot-turned-reality-star? We applaud her for identifying the fire extinguisher, and are not much interested in Jaques' systems check of the plane or slo mo flipping of his bomber jacket onto his shoulder. We can see the TSA announcement now: "We have lost the Bachelor somewhere over the Pacific."

At any rate, blah blah they get to 3,000 feet over the ocean without incident, Ali's pit stains dry, and Jeffrey Osborne sings "On the Wings of Love! Only the Two of us, together flighing hiiiiiiiigh, flying high upon the wings of looooooooooove." But they are STILL not done. Oh no, even though Ali was "definately flying high today," they must take a car from Olden Days over to Palm Springs, where the "A-listers go to hang out." Yes, and also the retirement set. So they drive through somebody's yard to park in the middle of a field. "They're gonna neck" says PMu. We also hope that she gets his class ring.

And then: dinner. We don't see much of this blessed event, except where she claims 3 times in a row that she is "not nervous" with Jake, and that she dated Jim, Jason, Jared, and Jordan. Oh, oh oh, looks like she's going to marry a Duggar! Though we cannot throw stones, as we *might* have dated the Gospels. This date improves with a surprise concert by Chicago!! Oh Chicago, how we danced around the living room to you many a time, and your chocolate bar-y goodness of a record. Saturday! In the park! And then . . . You're the meaning in my life, you're the inspiration!!" Suddenly, KMu and ABe are singing, we are the horn section, and PMu and Bonus Viewer MCo are suffering in silence! We heart you, Chicago.

Ali, of course, Lives to Fight Another Day as she comes home with the rose and a kiss after dancing awkwardly into a slo mo spin with El Piloto.

Mercifully, Date #3, a group date with Nanny-No-Nips, Jessie of Canada, Kathryn, Ashley (the teacher) and Le Sausage, comes with a message "Love has Ups and Downs." Michelle is definately feeling the downs, as she, TenArial, and Ella the mom are not going on dates this week, apparently. Michelle is "not ordinary!" babies. She has "a lot of love to give." Which is why she storms out, crying, and decides to pack her bags. "If I am not going to get a chance to spend time with him, I'm leaving," she announces. We are now at 4 of 4 boiled bunnies, dear readers. This is a Level Red Alert. TenArial, taking the bait, is all "oh Michelle, don't leave! Stay! Stay!" and Rozzie tries to make Michelle feel better by suggesting that maybe Jake has already decided she will stay. Michelle will have None Of It, however.

As Michelle packs, Nanny-No-Nips is snuggling up against Jake at Six Flags (apparently their date location) on Date #3 and is pleased to feel "how stacked he is." We are much more interested in her bedazzled tunic and Will Rogers Follies boots. NCubed soon steals the Flying J away from the other women to sit awkwardly on the ledge of a carnival game. She has a note for him, babies, if only she can peel it out of her pants and unfold the little football. Writing is "naked, natural, and me," she says. We don't dispute the naked, but are not quite sure which bits are natural. And also, she has to be at least 35. She reads:

"So far, I've been impressed with you and I want to get to know you more. [blah blah journey blah]. I know you've kissed a lot of girls and will probably kiss everyone by the end. But please don't kiss me unless you get to the point where you are prepared to kiss me for as long as we both shall live. With all that I am [including the parts that will last 3 billion years], Elizabeth."

We love the look on Jake's face, even as he says he is an old-fashioned guy and respects her "values." Blah blah we go back to the other women, Roll-A-Ball, Magic Mountain, and his "love for these girls." He has the Safety Rose, gentle readers, but whomever shall he give it to???

Le Sausage makes a play for it, and we are traumatized by the miles and miles of crochet encircling her. One time, when we were 18, we decided to try on a crochet bikini, concluding that we Only Live Once. The sea of flesh staring back in the mirror confirmed that our particular life did not need to be adorned by crochet. We feel similarly towards Le Sausage's ensemble, but are again sidetracked (damn you, ABC) because as they sit down for 1:1 time, we see THE KITTY from Season Big Daddy and Season Miss J. Yes, it has been flattened in the wash, but we are still pretty sure they have snuggled up under the Kitty.

And Le Sausage unleashes her tale of woe: The only boy who could ever teach her, was the son of her preacher man. It's true, Babies. She dated him through high school and became engaged her senior year. Yet she called it off, at which point Billy Ray got married and had a child one month later. So determined was Le Sausage to prove he was NOT the only boy who could ever reach her, she ran off with another guy she didn't know at 18 and eloped. Four months later, they were divorced. But not until she broke her daddy's heart, which we presume was sometime between cars 1 and 5.

We feel bad for Le Sausage, as she IS pouring her heart out, when Ashley the Teacher interrupts and steals Jake away. Stunned, Le Sausage stumbles back to the group. Nanny-No-Nips informs her, "that's why you have to use your time right." Harsh, NCubed. But Ashley, mistakenly thinking Jake wants a "bright, strong woman in his life" with crazy eyes, is busy bombing out with the Bachelor, resulting only in a hug and kiss on the cheek.

Ultimately, the Safety Rose goes to NCubed "because she REALLY intrigues" Jake. We decide that Jake needs to take a class in plastics so that he is no longer so amazed by the No Nips and Rozzies of this world. NCubed is triumphant. As the other women skulk off in the limo, she gets to watch fireworks and "play hard to get" with Jake because "that's what she deserves." Said playing involves:
"You know I"m not holding back, because I want this." and
"Wanna kiss me? I really want to kiss you." and
"You can make out with my forehead all night."

Query: Is she Vulcan?

Ashley is all sad because she "wanted the fireworks to be for Jake and I." GAH. "For Jake, for you, for Jake and you!!" we scream. We are saddened that our colleges are being adjunctly taught be bad grammar.

But here we are again at the rose ceremony. Shocker: Michelle is still here. Rozzie is confident because "I have a rose, beyotch." And Ella the Mom is 1 part red and the other part sequin. It's her birthday, but even though she's never spent it away from her son, she doesn't have to be sad because he knows she's there to find the Love of Her Life. Gag. Jake gives her a cupcake. "Congratulations, you are now too old for me," we secretly whisper for him.

TenArial (ah, ahahah), also concerned because of their lack of date this week, tells Jacques that it's "hard because you're off with all these other girls." But so awesome of Jake to reassure her: "Just your temperament. You've probably had a good and successful dating history." Read: You're so tepid. I bet you make an awesome bunt cake. Marry me."

But here we go again with Michelle and her 4 bunny Red Alert, upset because "we need to have 1:1 time or else." Okay, then go GET IT. So she does, and then completely terrifies us with a fake laugh followed by "no seriously, I know why you are here and I am here for the exact same reason. I can't know what' s going to happen today, but i want you to know that I did pack my bags well, when the cards came in." Somehow, Jake is not completely terrified by this, even when she starts to cry AGAIN about "how unfair" it is when another woman comes to talk to him, after initially saying that no, the woman canNOT take Jake away because she is "in the middle of something."

And here we are at the Big Moment of Intrigue hyped by ABC all week. Chris Harrison pulls Rozzie away and informas her that she must leave because she has been having an "inappropriate relationship" with a staffer.
"Jump to any conclusion, any conclusion at all!!!" says ABe.
Rozzie, confirming that she should never be a lawyer, argues: "So you think there are no other girls who felt for others before they came on the show?" which feeds Chris Harrison's glee in responding that this is something new that started on the show. To which, digging the hole deeper, Rozzie responds "I don't think my personal life is anyone's business." Ahahahha, after we pick ourselves off the floor, Rozzie goes to pack, with the assistance of a ginormous male staffer. We will say this, however: how uncool that Rozzie's dirty laundry is aired on national television, while the "staffer" gets to hide in relative anonymity. Chris then tells Jake AND the ladies of Rozzie's "inappropriate relationship," and we actually feel a little bad for Jake, until he says: . . .. "Can I get my rose back?"

We are just not even going to write more about this event except this: Ashley teacher crazy eyes. TenArial (ah, ahahah): He does not deserve to have his heart broken. GPow: Sitting calmly (we love her now). Ali: wearing a MAN WATCH!! DOe, this is for you and all the other haters of this viewer's awesome, velcro, waterproof piece of Timex magic (R.I.P.). Ali has a man watch. We are going to get a new one, post haste.

And he picks (to join Ali and Nanny No Nips):
1. Le Sausage
2. GPow
3. TenArial
4. Ella the Mom
5. Sister Christian (Valicia)
6. Corrie Rivers
7. Jessie (who we STILL have not seen anything of)
8. Drunk Ashleigh
9. Michelle
10. Katheryn.

Ashley the teacher and Christina get the axe!

Stay tuned for next week, in which we think there is a date with Le Sausage ("Go Meat!") and somebody leaves before a rose ceremony!! Oooooo.

KLo

El Piloto Part 1: Highway To The Danger Zone

2010-01-05T00:42:00.000-08:00

In the words of ye immortal Back Street Boys: Guess who's back, back in town? Jaques' back, gather round (as are ABe, the Mus, and the entire staff of the BNU, but I digress). And he is On The Wings Of Love, babies. Because, as the breathless promos ABC has been running all week remind us, "Jake . . . is a Pilot!!!!" We are also pretty sure that ABC thinks it is 1986 and that Jake The Pilot is late for a rendesvous with Kelly McGillis because she hasn't figured out that she is a lesbian yet. Why else would he be crotchrocketing off into the sunset in a giant nerf helmet and aviator shades, pausing only to meaningfully stare up at the planes as they soar over him at the ocean's edge?

But we get ahead of ourselves. First, we must suffer through Jacques getting the axe from Season Miss J. "Everything went in slo mo. I got crushed," says he. So, dear readers, our little Jacques went back to Texas, where he wandered the streets, his shower, and various exercisy locations, mostly shirtless, until slowly and surely he got better. This our thing (all of us): We understand that Jacques has fabulous abs. We have squeeled over the same on several occasions. But now we suddenly feel dirty as America's Next Top Model music pounds in the background of his nearly naked jumping jacks, and are very thankful for a) our afghan, b) the bottle of Dr. Jebediah Drinkwell's Meritage Blend, to get us through. As. Dr. Jeb says, "Dr. Drinkwell makes [The Bachelor] fun again."

Anyway, in addition to being a commercial pilot, the Flying J also loves acrobatic planes. According to Jacques, "Flying is like being in love. It's a hell of a drug." [everybody drink.]. Which is why, as his acrobatic plane free falls to the ground, we hear a desperate scream pierce the air. Coming Soon After this Season of the Bachelor: The Season Premiere of Lost. Thank God that Jacques also loves Shirtless Carpentry, Shirtless Cooking, and Shirtless Running, each a necessary skill to survival on a desert island.

But enough of Jacques. It's time to meet the women!! 100 years ago, we were cornered by our ballet mistress for a talk on "healthy eating" by a stick insect. Said insect told us of her desperate turn to Jenny Craig to fight the pound she could not shed, only to discover, upon counting the calories, that the culprit behind her weight "issue" was "too many muffins, girls, too many muffins." Thereby ruining one viewer's enjoyment of the tasty treat forever. And this is how we feel when faced with The Flying J Part 1. Too many women, babies, too many women. We hate this episode. So let's get started.

We first meet Ali, a 25 year old blonde advertising executive who is running haphazardly in the middle of the road and talks about the bad breakup that "me and my boyfriend" had. We fight off the grammar police because we actually like this girl. And also, she looks like El Piloto's mother (whom we previously saw in a "I want a traditional family just like my parents" montage earlier on. Whatever that means.). Ooo, could we be off to a good start?

. . . and then we meet (a la 40 Year Old Virgin) "Hi, my name's Gina." Okay so her real name is Alexis and she loves the motorcycles but we are a little scared.

Up next is Tenley, leaping around on the beach with a bunch of bent knees like she's got a dump in her pants. Tenley is a 25 year old, divorced college admissions counselor who moved to CA to become a dancer (a terrible one, by the looks of things). Which is why she has been Sleeping Beauty, Ariel, and some other Disney princess at a theme park. She wants to be, where the people are. . . . Suddenly we flash back to our sister SHa's Junior Miss Pageant days, and the contestant who sang that song in a fish tail and shells, sitting on the side of the stage. Burned in our brain is the part where she hoisted herself to standing in her little tail, right at the "bright young women, sick of swimmin' ready to staaaaaaaaaaand." ABe warbles softly to herself in the corner.

Joining Ali in the "Girls We Would Keep if We were Jake" group, we then meet Elizabeth, a 29 year old Captain in the Air Force. She claims to have no fashion sense, which we dispute, but she is calm and has the lowest voice by an octive of any of the "girls" thus far, so we want to keep her.

Captain Lizzie is followed by Rozlyn, a 28 year old model from Richmond, VA that we despise on sight, and Christina, a 25 year old restaurant manager that looks like she built her dress out of St. Patty's day bar napkins, admits she's a "little bitchy," and that her friends made her practice small talk with women about stuff she doesn't care about, like shoes.

And then, we meet Vienna, a University of Central Florida grad who is "currently unemployed." "Forever why?" we wonder, as she DOES have a degree in "Interpersonal Organizational Commmunication." Le Sausage is a "Daddy's girl," gentle readers. He has purchased her at least 5 cars, each of which she has wrecked. We secretly wish he had saved some of that money for A SHIRT to cover her ginormous tatas and the tattoo where her muffintop will be when she hits 30. Or alternatively, tennis shoes, considering the spectacular spill she almost takes while walking to her (daddy's) sailboat. Le Sausage has a "baby puppy, Chloe," and they have "mommy/daughter days" where they dress up alike. Dear god, she is one mammal away from being one of those people who raise chimps like children.

Thank God for Ashley, a 29 year old teacher whose mom has been sending her care packages with risque clothing for three months. We think we'll add her to our little kitty of People We Like.

We will NOT be adding Elizabeth the Nanny to our List, because we cannot look away from the five inches of flesh separating her breasts from each other. We will also not be adding Ella, a hairstylist from somewhere in the Extreme South, with a 7 year old son and a total conviction that she is going to end up with El Piloto. Did we mention that she is a boxer? Momma says knock you out, babies. Finally, we will not be adding Gia, a (current) swimsuit model and (former) dancer from New York. Gia is one of those simpering women with an extra bump shimmy in her step, a little girl voice, piles of hair, and a whole lotta fake bits. In honor of The Jersey Shore, we shall call her G-Pow.

Blah blah Kimberley is a 24 year old NBA dancer; 23 year old Emily is a "fit model" with ginormous teeth and yet another tinkly voice (yawn); Tiana is a 31 year old medical tech sales person that says everyone "better watch out," and Caitlyn, a "spokesmodel" (wtf) hopes that her pageant experience will help her. Yes, that and her connections to Ed McMahon (RIP) and the Star Search SpokesModel Competition. Kristen, 25 and from Kissimmee, Fla. will "cut a bitch." But perhaps the most terrifying of all is Michelle, a 25 year old Office Manager who is "ready to be a wife." Something about her intensity. And also, Rachel from Friends called, and she wants her vest back.

We get a break from the parade of babies (literally) for a soaping-of-the-midriff as Jake gets ready to meet them. He's going to "let his heart take the lead" as he rides his motorcycle up to the same damn mansion ABC has used for the last several seasons. Sayeth ABe: "I can't believe they're using the same mansion! Bleach everything." Sayeth KMu: "I'm sure many of them did." Query: Does the carpet match the curtains?

Anyway, Chris Harrison interrogates Jake, who admits that he wants un grande amore like his parents and often feels his lack of it on "stormy days." Rainy days and Sundays apparently always get him down. He's been on lots of first dates, but watching himself on Season Miss J makes him realize that hmm, maybe he gets a little too intense on those dates. Flying is a big deal to him, but would he give up flying for a woman who was terrified of it? "You know what, love is more powerful than flying," he says. [everybody drink]. Harkening back to our days of Christian camping, we sing "I will raise you up, on Eagles Wings . . . ." until ABe tells us to stuff it.

At last, the first limo arrives with:
1. Rozlyn, the model who tells The Flying J that her name means "little rose" and that he should "buckle his seatbelt because it's going to be a bumpy ride." [drink]
2. Emily with the teeth, wearing a green dress.
3. Ali (Team Ali!!!) who has lost her voice but brings Jake a Peacock feather because peacocks use them to "attract a mate." We heart you Ali, but that is stupid.
4. A NEW girl, Jessie from Canada who works in cosmetic sales and is wearing a crackho/flamenco dress. And also shrugs her shoulders 5 times, and asks Jake if he has a "registry for these guns" as she squeezes his arms. Meh.
5. Tenley/Ariel (ah ahahah, aha haha ahahahhaa).

Then in Limo #2, we have:
6. Ella the hairstylist. We kind of like her dress, which is somewhat understated and does not have her Girls on display, though we are again freaked by her "how does it feel to be talking to your future wife."
7. A Bath Poof. Oh wait, it is Kathryn the Flight Attendant, another new person, wearing about 30 yards of tulle attached to fuschia spangly Mickey Mouse ears masquerading as a top.
8. Caitlyn the spokesmodel. Aquamarine spangles.
9. Captain Lizzie. Yay!!!
10. Alexis/Gina, seriously looking like a lamp. It is sheer and drapey in the middle, it is short and tight at the thigh, and it is accompanied by black leather gloves. Why? Because she rides a motorcycle, in case we missed it before. And demands that Jake let her ride in his plane in exchange for him driving her bike. [drink].

At this point, we have lost track of limos, so we are just going to pretend we are on Limo #3, which contains:
11. Le Sausage, who wants to feel El Piloto's abs.
12. Corrie from Kissimmee, who completely freaks Jake out by asking him "what do you think about Kissimmee."
13. NBA Dancer Kimberley and her hair helmet of death.
14. Valishia, yet another new chick. Valishia is a 32 year old homemaker whose breasts look like the top of a bread loaf, so sqeezed they are in her dress. We are wondering how someone with the profession of "homemaker" manages to be on this show. More importantly, if she is single, how does she manage to feed herself? Unless by "home maker" we literally mean she is into Shirtless Carpentry like Jake. At any rate, Valishia brought some dirt from Texas so she and the Flying J can have some "common ground."
15. G-Pow. Tight dress. Tan. The Jersey Shore.

In our next fictional limo, we have:
16. Elizabeth the Nanny, in a plunging top. Bad move, Nanny, as we Cannot. Look. Away. From. Breast. Void. and are pretty sure that is not the focus she intended us to have. The Nanny wants Jake to "close yer eyes and pitcher your favorite place. Where would it be?" Jake, trying to bullshit his way with chivalry, says "right here, right now." To which the Nanny responds, "really? Mine is snowboarding." ahahhahhaha. Point 1: Nanny-No-Nips.
17. Channy the Tranny, a 29 year old mortgage loan officer from California who speaks fluent Cambodian. Her drag queen shoes only confirm our suspicion that she was once secretly a small Asian boy.
18. Ashley the teacher. Okay, we love Ashley because in an ad break, KMu showed us a youtube clip of her being Woman of the Year, earning her masters by age 23, inspiring to her students, and so forth. But poor Ashley is wearing the ugliest hot pink dress ever. By now, we are severely fighting the urge to ROY G BV these women in all their jewel tones, and this dress is Not Helping.
19. Tiana. We are pretty sure she has had some work done.
20. Christina the self-described "bitchy" girl who shows up with a basket of jelly beans for the other girls. Party favors for the ones who get cut.

Finally, in the last pretend limo of the evening, we meet:
21. Drunk Ashleigh, a 25 year old "accounting manager" who stumbles into Jake from the limo and clings a little too tightly. "And what kind of accounts do you manage?" wonders KMu.
22. Christina -Cut-A-Bitch.
23. Stephanie, a New Chick and "Dance Teacher/Pom Coach" in a dress like a mountain top.
24. Sheila, the last New Chick. We want to like her because she is a commercial pilot like Jake and gives him a "pair of aviators because you and I are a pair of aviators," thereby displaying the first correct grammar of the evening, except she has a nervous laugh.
25. Michelle, the office manager who literally flies over to El Piloto with her arms outstretched and says "Hopefully in the end, I can be your copilot" [drink], followed by "I would love to be a passenger in your plane" [drink drink].

"Park yourself in my spacious hangar," says PMu.

Because this is long, we will simply note that the cocktail hour is One Big Shamefest of UnPunny Airplane Comments. Drunk Ashleigh wants a "direct flight to romance." [Drink]. Ali confesses that for 8 years, she was terrified of flying. [drink, though we love her]. Corrie from Kissimmee, who we have decided looks like Joan Rivers' daughter Melissa, prioritizes her life as 1. God, 2. Family, 3. Friends. Channey Tranney, after repeating her Cambodian message to Jake, gets a "gee that was pretty" out of El Piloto . . . only to translate her words as: "Jake, you can land your plane on my landing strip any time." [drink]. Honey, we are pretty sure "Pretty" ain't what it is on ol' Channey Tranney's strip.

Ella tells Jakethat her 7 year old son wants to be a pilot. [drink]. Well, when This viewer was 7 years old, we wanted to be a librarian. And now look at us. Anyway, Ashley the teacher changes into a "copilot outfit," which basically translates into Britney Spears a la Toxic, and which we still feel is better than her real dress. [drink]. Nanny-No-Nips thinks that the copilot outfit is "desperate," which is why SHE brought a football to throw with Jake. Said throwing devolves into a football game (blondes versus brunettes, some still wearing their heels), which ends when Jake runs away with the ball, followed by a stampede of women.
"This is like a really fucked up Pied Piper," says KMu. True dat.

Then: da da DUM, Chris Harrison brings out the First Impression Rose. Oh oh oh, and to help give it out, here is Jillian and Ed to interview the ladies!!! We don't see much of this except some dancing, but back at the ranch, Le Sausage has managed to get Jake to feel both up AND down her dress by suggesting that he experience how hard her "heart is racing" and then kiss the bump on her leg from softball. Kathryn the Poof informs him that she wears a fake engagement ring to keep the boys off at her job (flight attendant; okay that makes sense). Stephanie Pom Coach wants to teach him how to dance, Tenley/Ariel (ah ahahah) informs Jake that she checks her credit score, and Michelle . . . has a break down. She is off in the corner crying, wants to express to Jake how she is there to "share her love," says she wants children 4 times in a row, and generally boils a bunny. Ed and Jill suggest to El Piloto that Michelle might be a teensy bit too intense for him.

But, apparently impressed with the credit score checking, the first impression rose goes to Tenley/Ariel (ah ahahah). We are pretty sure we would not give her this, as she has a tinkly voice, pushed for a kiss and then cried about it because she was "not ready," but this is why we are 1) not on the show, and 2) older than every single one of these contestants.

At last, it is time for The Flying J to make our lives easier by narrowing the women down to 15. ABe, KMu and I have our favorites (Ali, Captain Lizzie), and yet he picks to join Tenley/Ariel (ah ahahah):
1. Ella creepy intense boxer lady/momma.
2. Nanny-No-Nips.
3. Ali (thank god).
4. Le Sausage
5. Christina the "bitchy" one.
6. G-Pow.
7. Ashley the teacher (yay!).
8. Rozlyn.
9. Jessie from Canada.
10. Corrie Rivers.
11. Valishia, the mysteriously self-employed "homemaker"
12. Drunk Ashleigh.
13. Kathryn of the Poof.
14. Crazy Michelle.

WHAT????? Ali-One is now our Only Hope. We canNOT believe El Piloto cut Captain Lizzie. We mourn for her, but not so much for the others because really, the pickings were slim to begin with.

We hope you watch this season unfold with us Babies, like a lotus blossom, on the wings of love. We are so glad to be back.

KLo

Miss J, Eh, Part ATFR: If I Could Turn Back Time

2009-07-29T01:52:00.001-07:00

We are going to say it: We canNOT believe we stayed up until 11 pm to watch this episode. But in the words of Bryan Adams (who is a much better blues singer than a rocker btw), we do it all for you. And also because we are weirdly obsessed with this show.

Part After the Final Rose begins with this woman in the audience whom we are pretty sure is Trish from Season Jesse. How do we know? Because she is wearing the biggest bouffant horse-face-making short hairdo ever, and because she is in nearly every audience shot. But soon Chris Harrison appears and relieves us of this vision, only to announce that we are not only going to ATFR about this season, but we must ATFRpartAfterpartAgain about Melissa from Season Big Daddy.

Out comes Melissa, and she really does look fabulous, though far too skinny. And we secretly wonder if ABC is trying to accentuate the difference between this show and the "Fat Bachelor" it has sold to Fox by starving all of the contestants here. Blah blah Melissa "bounced back" and took up with an old boyfriend, Todd, shortly after being dumped by Big D. Then came Dancing With the Stars, and now she is a Media Force and cannot be trifled with again. Did Big Daddy make the right decision to pick Molly. "Oh, YEAH," says Melissa, "and also, Molly will not age well."

[ad break: Horsey woman/Trish clapping]

Out comes Kiptyn! Except KMu thinks that it is Dr. Travis Stork from season Dr. Travis Stork, so interchangable is he with all prior "dudes." Poor Kiptyn must watch his "journey" with Miss J (everybody drink) and has to take a deep breath, so raw is the emotion still after All This Time. Oh, it "reminds him of how he felt. He clearly fell in love with Jill. To gave it go from what I thought was the start of us to the end of us was crushing." Oh! Bobble-head audience women nod in sympathy.

And then . . . out comes Miss J to meet Kiptyn for the First Time since the Dumping. We are unsure if this was planned, as she appears for all the world to have fashioned her dress out of the bedsheets she ripped into strips to make the rope she used to escape the house that ABC built. Or alternatively, toilet paper. They hug and are nice, but Miss J tells Kiptyn that there wasn't anything more he could have done. He, of course, also has no regrets because he gave the big confession of love when he was ready, and not before then.

So on we go to unlucky contestant #2: Reid. We must admit, Reid is not faring as well as an upstanding dude here. This Local Viewing Audience concludes that he should have kept the glasses, as he had us all Under His Spell until their removal somewhere toward the bitter end. Anyway, Reid obviously has no business on national television at this point, as he is still totally smitten with Jillian, painfully not in control of his mouth, and still reeling from getting The Dump two times in a row. He "flew back," gentle readers, "bought a ring . . . it wasn't the best ring because I didn't have a lot of time, you know, but I didn't think the competition was really that big." He thought it was going to be a "slamdunk," but was obviously wrong. He wishes he could have "reversed and done things differently" insofar as telling Jillian more about his feelings, etc. [cut to horsey bouffant Trish looking woman].

"If I could turn back tiiiiiiime," we sing. And then, KMu and this viewer discover that ABe has NEVER SEEN Cher's video to this song. So we must interrupt the BNU for a screening of Cher and her Leather Onesie of Death. Oh, the servicemen! Oh, the big guns! Oh the sudden shock of the leather thong! We debate whether the markings upon her buttocks are a tattoo or cushion imprint. If we could turn back time, babies, we'd give it All To You.

But back to questions from Reid to Jill, which are a little harsh:
Reid: "When I came back, was there a part of you that wanted to say 'yes?'"
Miss J: "Nope."
Reid: "If I had told you how I felt about you sooner, would that have changed things?"
Miss J: "Not even a little bit. I was in love with Ed."
Then Reid completely clams up, gets cagey about asking any more questions, Miss J tries to fill the empty void with inane commentary, Chris Harrison asks unsuccessfully bating questions, and at last we are saved by Laura Ingalls Wilder who stands up from the audience and asks Reid if he will go out with her. "How old are you?" he asks because we all secretly know she is about 12. "Thank heaven, for little girls," we sing.

And at last, we are to Jill and Ed. Ed comes out and announces that he is so relieved to finally be going public with this thing. Oh, they are so happy, having spent almost every day together in the last few months. We are impressed by this revelation, as we previously understood contestants to be permitted only a few clandestine visits during airing of the show. But irregardless (that one is for you, Miss J), she is, like, totally moving in with him in Chicago, and they will be married at some point in the next 12 months! If we had a dollar for every contestant who said that, we would buy our own Ugly Ring, but we are still going to be happy for them.

[again, weird cut to big horsey woman hair in the audience and omg is she wearing dayglo makeup???]

As we fade into the distance we are left witih a local from Miss J's trip to Spain explaining to the happy couple: "Der is a leeegion that says if yoo cross under diiis arch, holding hands, you weel be marrieed." [which of course, Jillian wants to run under twice]. And then, a question from the audience: "So, is everything okay in the bedroom now?" To which Miss J responds that the only problem is that they can't get enough of the bedroom. Augh T.M.I. and also we are traumatized and now ABe is swearing she will never return to watch another episode with this viewer.

And with that awkward series of clips and filler, we are done. We will not be blogging More to Love because we are morally opposed. And also, low hanging fruit never tastes as sweet. But we have enjoyed our season with you, gentle readers, and hope that you tune in next time to the BNU.

Much Love,
KLo

Miss J, Eh Part Finale: Rush, Rush

2009-07-28T00:18:00.000-07:00

In the words of our girl R.Flack, Toniiiiiight, we celebrate our looooove for the Bachelorette. As we toast with champagne, ABe tosses the feather boa she has worn for this occasion over her shoulder and we brace ourselves for the onslaught of faux Coldplay music forming the background of Jillian's recap of the two men she is left with: Kiptyn and Ed. We are on the Big Island, Hawaii, babies, and Jillian is so proud of herself for "slaying enough dragons" to reach these men. "Stop telling yourself that reality television is a necessary step to finding love," demands KMu. And also, stop wearing racerback silk be-shelled tank tops.

So first up: Ed. As he reunites with Jillian, he confesses "The last time we were together was a little . . . emotional." Sayeth KMu: "And by emotional, I mean. . . [ drooping stamen][rushing waves]. But instead of bringing flowers to meet her family, Ed has brought a pile of rushes. Maybe he is going to make a basket to float Jillian down the river? We realize later that this is a stack of grass skirts. But here we are with mom Peggy (in a ginormous pink flowered mumu top), Dad Glenn, grandma Margery (who wanted to sell Jillian to the icelanders in season Big Daddy), and cousin Tori. Says Margery: "Oh, he's quite good looking, eh?"

And then, Jillian encourages Ed to "tell his story." "Well, it was a dark and stormy night," we helpfully begin. But Ed will not play along. "I was married . . . . to my job," says he. Damn. We were secretly hoping he would say a la Big Daddy, "I was married . . . .and then my wife discovered the girls' lacrosse coach." But Ed knew he liked Jillian "a ton" broke down when he got home, realized he had made a mistake, and blah blah we know this story The End.

Peggy must ask Ed her 66 questions (we love Peggy), to which ABC only allows us to know three responses: he wants 3 children, he wants to be retired in Hawaii 30 or 40 years from now, and he thinks that "honesty and love" is the glue that will make a marriage last. No, honey, the real glue is separate bathrooms and separate bank accounts. But we suppose he will learn that soon enough.

Ed fairs better in his 1:1 with Glenn, in which Ed declares his undying love for Miss J and asks Glenn what his thoughts are regarding marrying Jillian. "I would be doing somersaults," says Ed, "I am ready for my daughter to be married." Translation courtesy of KMu: "It's about fucking time."

In the end, Glenn, Tori, and Miss J dance around in coconut bras and grass skirts. We are a little scarred by this, but not enough to stop watching.

And it's date #2 with Kiptyn! But we watch in horror as he proceeds to suck Jillian's brain out through her mouth. Okay, so when this viewers grandmother was a little girl, she told a boy on the tandem swing that she could tell what he had for breakfast, so close was his face to hers.
"What?" said he.
"Eggs" said she.
"No, that was yesterday," said he.
And as Kiptyn cleans Miss J's teeth, we are fairly certain he has accumulated a working knowledge of the muffin, egg, and iceberg lettuce that Miss J has consumed in the last 24 hours. "Mmm, is that raisin oatmeal?" we expect him to ask. But no, instead Kiptyn pays Miss J a compliment: "Ooo, you're shiny!"

Off to grandmother's (and parents and cousins') house we go for some deep conversation about how both Kiptyn and Jillian thought the other was so goodlooking that they got completely nervous upon meeting. This is soon followed by the Peggy Shakedown, in which Jillian's mom (in a green and blue version of the Pink Mumu Top) discovers that Kiptyn does not know how many children that he wants, believes communication is #1 ("or pretty close to it") in making a marriage work, and that he is "excited" and "optimistic" about Miss J because she has "so much laughter." But dah dah DUM in the 1:1 with Glenn, Dad must ask Kiptyn whether the Kipper loves his daughter. "I'm I'm I'm getting there," Kiptyn stammers. "She has this zest for life, this passion. She makes me better. I hope to make her better." We learn subsequently that this is the "dawning moment" in which Kiptyn realizes that he actually hearts Miss J, and not just as a friend. Except he doesn't actually say this to Glenn. And also, we are unconvinced. But Kiptyn is guppy-sucking Miss J's face off AGAIN and we must look away, so we really don't know what happened after that.

In the Aftermath of the boys' visits, Miss J asks her family what they think. Tori, heavily pulling for Kiptyn, stresses that he has a "unique love of people and life. It's so similar to you," whereas Ed is more "well-rounded, professional, and work 'orientated.'" Peggy is also "drawn to Kiptyn's energy." But Glenn, for the home team, says that he didn't have to ask Ed whether he loved Miss J, for he Laid It All On The Line. Yet in 1:1 time with Tori (who is actually pulling off a tube top and palazzo pants, damn her), emphasizes that Kiptyn is "really falling for" Miss J. Oh, Miss J feels the passion is there with Kiptyn, but will Ed be able to Stand And Deliver, so to speak? Poor Miss J, she is looking for her "best friend," but hoping for a lightening bolt to hit her and tell her who to pick. We think a better strategy would be for said bolt to hit one of her suitors, thereby making up Miss J's mind for her.

And at last, it is the Last Supper for Ed. We thank god that he knows how to kiss, except that said kiss-ability is totally equalized by the low cut tank top and pink button down that he is wearing. As Miss J picks Ed up in a range rover, the following witty reparte ensues:
"I think you're beautiful."
"No, I think YOU'RE beautiful."
"No you hang up."
"No YOU hang up."
"I can totally still hear you breathing!!!"

Oh, the metaphores are rampant as Jillian and Ed lift off in a chopper to fly over a smouldering volcano. Ed is "pumped." And then, the happy couple goes to a flowing waterfall deep deep in the rainforest. Oh, the rushing water. Oh, the sweaty, steamy humidity. Oh oh OH MY GOD IS JILLIAN'S HAIR ON FIRE? We think M.Jackson (R.I.P.) and Pepsi and Stop, Drop, and Roll before realizing that it's just the tiki torch (emitting its whispy smoke up, up into the welcoming, warm atmosphere) over Ed's shoulder as he kisses Jillian.

Later that night, Ed emphasizes that he would "never leave [Miss J] again."
"At least not for Microsoft," sayeth ABe. And then "hit me," as she drains her champagne.
But Ed is giving Miss J "so many reasons to think he is The One" on this night. They have "amazing chemistry. . . But the puzzle isn't finished yet. There are still some missing pieces." And then, as we fade away from the bed and the (thankfully) decent kissing occuring thereon, Ed confesses his love, and that he wants to be with her forever, and that he LOVES HER. Oh!!!! The "last piece of the puzzle is there," concludes Miss J, and then . . . gushing waterfall, erupting volcano!

"Rush, Rush, I wanna see ya -- Get free with me!!!!" sings KMu. When KMu's sister, KHu was young, she thought this song was really about childbirth: "Push, push, I can feel it, I can feel you all through me." And you know, we think this makes sense. And also, we hope that Miss J and Ed are maintaining an, er, adequate barrier between Paula Abdul and KHu's versions of this song. That is all.

But we are not done, because here comes Kiptyn in a speedboat for his Last Supper as well. He has finally realized that it is "time to tell her how he's feeling." Oh, we would like to feel him as well, as he rises from the water and we see surf board . . . arms . . . 12 pack stomach. . . little chicken legs. KMu would like to lop off Kiptyn's bottom half. "Pan Pan Greek God Pan. One half goat and the other half man" sings ABe. We have decided that we are Cutting ABe off from the champagne, except we never really manage to accomplish this because Miss J is wearing a cotton ruffled formal shorts romper, and all we can feel is rage.

Blah blah Kiptyn paddleboards around with Miss J chip-clipped around his waist. They have a picnic. Brain sucking guppy kisses and we must look away. Sunset. . . and then here we are at the Mauna Kia resort, where Abe wants to know, "Are they gonna have relations?" All we know is this: Kiptyn is making some pretty weak statements, compared to Ed. About all he can muster is an "I would be hurt if I lost you" and a dramatic "I am falling in love with you. Right now, you and me, let's do this." Blah.

At then, it is the rose ceremony! Except Miss J thinks it is her wedding day. And while we think her dress is lovely, is it really necessary to up the ante any more by appearing in a wedding dress Miss J? As Jillian climbs into this poorly planned get up, we see Kiptyn and Ed making their Pilgrim's Progress up the a long, winding staircase to a small tower office to . . . pick out an engagement ring from Neil Lane. Says Mr. Lane, "This is the most nervous time for a man." We can say with certainty, "not for Ed."

And then here is our thing (all of us): This rings are really ugly and too big for Miss J's hand (though hands down not as ugly as the ring Big Daddy picked during his Reign of Terror). Kiptyn goes first, selecting a square layer cake of diamonds, and we demand that he loses due to Poor Taste. And then Ed . . . Ed picks out an upside-down tear drop with this sort of echo-effect of diamonds. ABe instantly changes her vote from Ed to Kiptyn as the likely winner based upon ring choice alone.

But the moment has arrived. As Miss J walks the plank (literally) across a pool see which man is fool enough to join her on the adjacent platform, the first limo drives up and it's . . . KIPTYN! YAY!!! He tells her that he is "ready for the journey" (everybody drink), wants children, marriage, and (unconvincingly) says he loves her. But as he prepares to propose, she stops him and says that she is falling in love with someone else! DOUBLE YAY!!! As he drives off in the limo having been denied, he claims it "hurts real bad right now." Except we don't quite believe him. In fact, we think he is secretly relieved.

But as Miss J is preparing for Ed to arrive and declare his undying love, a minivan pulls up and out comes . . REID. Oh, the drama. "You don't have much time, for Ed is on his way," whispers Chris Harrison fervently. Clearly, Reid already knows this, as he has both neglected to tuck in his shirt and forgotten to change his tennis shoes for something more appropriate with a suit.

Miss J is shocked as Reid comes towards her. He declares his love, blah blah "I'm an idiot," and she says she wishes he would have gotten his act together sooner (for "him and I had an undescribable love.") and because we like Reid we make this short: She dumps him (after 15 minutes of heavy sighing filler footage by ABC).

At last, here is Ed. And he "better not disappoint," says Miss J. And he doesn't! He is also the Smartest Proposer on the Bachelor Ever, in this viewers mind, because after declaring that he loves her, he says that he needs to know that she loves him before "going any further." We like your moves, Ed. Miss J of course confesses that she is "madly" in love with him, and he proposes to her with a "I just want to you to be there to give me a hard time when I am 80 years old," she flings her legs around him, and we are done . . . except for the Music Video that ABC has created of their "journey" (everybody drink).

In their exit interview, Miss J says life is "funner" with Ed and then corrects herself that "'funner' isn't a word, is it."

At last, our work has been done.

Stay tuned for tomorrow, babies, in which we learn whether Ed and Miss J are still together After the Final Rose.

KLo