Jesse Part 3: Oh My Dear Lord

With beer in my hand and salad in my lap, I've just settled down for a long hour of sap. When out of the tv there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the sofa to see what was the matter....It was Suzie from Dearborn, with a face like a platter, who got the first one-on-one date for being most compatible. Okay, enough rhyming.

Suzie and our favorite box of rocks went to the theater to watch slides of them growing up. Highlight: "I can't believe they showed the naked baby picture..." titter titter. please. He's going to see her ass at some point.

Anyhow, while they were out on the town, the "girls" played the drinking game "Did you ever," where you have to take a drink if you've ever done something. Dear readers, we learned that Trish (the horsey model) has slept with over 35 men, including a married man. But thank god, she hasn't slept with a woman in a long time, though she did sleep with a married lesbian couple once, which was "really just a free-for-all." But in her defense, at age 28 she did have "a couple years on all the other women." Which, in my opinion, completely justifies that she's slept with more than one person in the same night, and with someone about three days before coming on the show. A girl's gotta eat.

Anyway, the girls were drawing up there ugg-clad feet in horror and taking pert little sips from their wine coolers, as Trish was getting smashed. Then the next date box arrived, with a tiara and some jewelry, which Trish promptly put on and danced around like a public service announcement for STDs.

I'm not sure who the box was for, because I was trying to decide whether Trish was really 35.

So the next date is for Jesse, Mandy Jaye and Trish. They play pool and darts, which doesn't go so well for Trish. But fortunately, Trish gets to makeout with Jesse in their "one on one" time (thank god she wore that crochet top a la madonna in the 80s), after saying, "all the girls couldn't believe that we made out on our first date. I was like, 'please, that's what you DO on a first date...'" and Jesse is like, "actually, I usually don't..." chirp.

Third date is with Tara, this sort of dewey-eyed Valpo law student-looking woman who asked him not to kiss her, and then he promptly did. That was the princess date where she got to try on lots of dresses and they had dinner and then danced properly to piped-in music instead of doing the nasty to Jay-Z. Nothing there.

Fourth and final date was building a house for habitat for humanity, in which the LAWYER Jesse expressed regrets that she had to do something so unromantic as build a house, when what she really wanted to do was get all cute and impress Jesse. She has really low self-esteem and is like, "I'm not perfect like Jessica B., I'm not skinny like billy raye, I'm not..." blah blah blah. Then she gets some time with Jesse and in her effort to be intimate, completely freaks him out with the chest and arm stroking. He says, "I really feel like getting in the hottub now..." and totally runs from the room.

In the end, he picked the lazy-eyed beauty queen (Karen), Tara, Suzie, Mandy Jaye, Jessica B, and Trish (over the objections of his secret Spy, Jenny, who he sent home this week).

Stay tuned for next week, when the spy returns to tell all, Trish "fights for her position," and more silliness ensues.