Jesse Part 4: This Is How You Doooo It

It was Corona week on Beer and the Bachelor last evening, as I watched Jesse narrow the women from six to four over three individual dates and one group date.

The episode began Jenny's Return, a 10 minute Hallmark Special in which Jenny, our protagonist, tearfully returned to confess that she had been the spy in the house, and that she had done it because she loved Jesse and wanted the best for him, but what she hadn't expected was to "fall in love with all" of the women, as well. Trish could not have sucked her teeth farther back in her head at that announcement. She waswearing her tiara still, and a t-shirt that said, "Gold Digger: like a hooker, but smarter."

There was, of course, a lot of screaming and group hugging, but before the show went from Hallmark to Skinemax (Jenny Proves her Love to Trish"), the first date box arrived forJessica B.

Jessica B and Jesse went to the Rose Bowl. She wore his jacket, they had a picnic on the field, he taught her how to throw a football, and then they nearly got trampled by an overzealous marching band who formed a heart around them. Jessica, age 21, said it made her "feel like a giddy school girl." Jesse said it was "dope."

On date two, Jesse helped Mandy Jaye triumph over her fear of water by leading her to the front of the yacht, telling her to hold out her arms, and saying "I'm the king of the world" as the sun set in the distance. Jesse said of MJ, "each date just keeps getting better," butin the end, Jesse was suspicious of her sordid pageant history (never mind that he still had lazy-eyed Karen, another pageanteer, on this episode).

Date three was the group date, with Trish, Karen, and Suzie. They went to some sort of harem tent set up in a big park. I was all excited to see them belly dance for Jesse, a la bachelor bob's women, but it never happened. Instead, Trish (resplendant in...what was that? A scarf?), grabbed Jesse for some one-on-one time. He confronted her about sleeping with a married man, and she got "really pissed" about the stories Jesse had heard because her having sex with someone and then demanding they take her home was a different time than when she slept with the married man. As to the married man, she turned all sibyl on us, wiping some faux tears from her eyes, lowering her voice, and saying that she was "a lot different than the person she was two years ago." (insert speechless, shocked look of grossed out horror from me). By the time she was finished, Jesse actually leaned over to kiss her, and said he really appreciated her talking to him about it.

The rest of the date was a blur. He made out with Suzie with no consideration for her comfort as Suzie valiantly had a Modern Dance moment, balanced dangerously bent at the knees, leaning straight back on the sofa, head straining. All in the name of love, babies. Karen also shared some meaningless make-out moment with him. Jesse was all excited to have kissed three women on one date: "I've never done that before! (read: "score!").

Finally, the third individual date Jesse had was with dewey-eyed Tara. He picked her up in her favorite car, wearing the favorite clothes she likes to see on a guy. She was going to be wearing her favorite clothes, they were going to eat her favorite meal, and so forth. Turns out, her favorite color is "peeenk."

This was a really painful date in which Tara just couldn't open up and Jesse was running out of ideas, so he tried sticking his tongue down her throat. Far more interesting was the drunken pool party the remaining women had (except for Trish, who stared out the window in her black-widow ensemble). It was at that moment that I realized Suzie had to go. Far, FAR too screachy.

At the rose ceremony, Jesse kept Tara, Mandy Jaye, Jessica B, andTrish (NOOOOOOOO!!!!). But, dear readers, a "cat fight is brewing," because Tara told Trish that she shouldn't blame any more on Jenny (the spy) because she didn't deserve to be there. And Trish said that Tara was a spoiled bitch who was "pretty on the outside, but mean and shriveled on the inside."

Stay tuned for next week, when we get to meet the parents of these fine women.