Jesse Part 6: Let's Get Intimate

Last night we had a bonus episode of "The Women Tell All," or as I like to call it, "What the Hell is Around Her Neck???" before the real show began. Usually, this episode is really boring, but everyone was out to stone Trish, so things got fun.

Trish took the hotseat first. Her choice of breastplate was a giant metallic snowman of a necklace, which really went well with the helmet hair and handkerchief dress some maiden she had deflowered must have given her for good luck. Her eyebrows disappeared behind her helmet and the snowman swayed from side to side as she attempted to defend herself against the other women who were literally heckling her from the side. Chris Harrison (host) had to cut things off after Suzy (face like a platter) said "No Trish, I am graceful and sophisticated. You are the blabbering idiot." like she had just solved the world's troubles.

Next, Jenny the spy came out to speak with Chris. You know Isadora Duncan, the dance genius that strangled herself when her scarf got tangled in the spokes of a car tire? One step in the wrong direction and Jenny would have snapped her own neck like a twig. She had coins/shells/bottle caps strung together, wrapped around her neck three times, and dripping down her front. D (taking the place of my boyfriend, who declined to give me a rose on Monday. fuckwit), said, "She can't have chosen that." Again, more heckling. Jean Marie said, "You may have been a spy, but to me, you were a snake." ooooo.

Lastly, Jesse came out to see the women. Did you know that you can get red patent leather cowboy boots? I didn't either. Did you know said boots match a white tie with diamonds on it? I didn't either. We're off to see the wizard....Once I got past Jesse's nod to the King, the highlight of Jesse's visit was where he returned to the infamous "I get tired of waking up beside a new person" comment and said basically that he lived the lifestyle of all single pro-athletes in New York, and he wanted to be up front with that to his future wife. All the women nodded wisely, thanked their lucky stars they didn't end up with him, and checked to make sure their necklaces (alternatively, a four-inch disc, a flowey strip of chiffon, a long gold zipper) hadn't shifted.

After the Women told all and Jesse showed his brilliant fashion taste, the episode began with Jesse's overnight date with Tara in Quebec city. She got to wear a fir hat, they took a carriage ride through the snow, attempted to ice skate, and then drank champagne in their very own ice castle where Tara leaned back prettily against a poor gutted fox stuck into the ice. Jesse told Tara that he was falling for her (and later said that he wanted to "be intimate with her" to the camera.) and then got bajiggity when she only said, "me too" back. But in the end, the producers treated us to a very cryptic bedroom montage of shots taken by a single camera of the bed and people walking back and forth. hm.

On the second date, with Jessica B, we learned that Jesse's nipples are under his armpits. No joke. He and Jessica frolicked in the water in the Bahamas, she in a polka dot bikini and he with one of those flesh colored man-swimsuits with big red flowers (bereft of words) and those nipples. He then "brought Jessica to tears" telling her that he was in love with her, but that he was also falling in love with someone else. But they still got to forgo their individual rooms.

Third and final date was with Mandy Jaye in Washington D.C. I don't know why she got stuck with the People's Penis (Washington Monument) in every shot of her date, when the other chicks got to go to the bahamas and quebec. This date was awkward and painful until Trish broke in with a dress cut all the way up to her fancy in front. Soundtrack: "This dress, these legs, these shoes, this man is mine..." Trish pulled Jesse from dinner into a kitchen, pulled a room card out of her dress (apparently useful for something), and said, "Don't say a word. Just spend the night with me." They had a "dude, I'm over you" moment, and then Jesse went back to Mandy Jaye. He was on the fence about MJ, but in his words, she was so cool about the whole Trish thing that he suddenly wanted to sleep with her that night.

Of course, MJ got the boot, as we all knew would happen. She was wearing this weird red cocktail dress, so she had to go.

Next Wednesday is the finale, in which Jesse takes both Tara and Jessica B ring shopping! woo hoo.