Jesse Finale: How Much Is That Doggie In the Window (the one with the pretty blonde hair)?

We all know that Jesse is a little slow, but I think he finally realized that he was the bachelor and not a contestant when, at the beginning of the season finale, he pronounced, "I never thought it would get this far."

The two-hour episode began with his taking Jessica B. and Tara down to Indianapolis to meet his parents. It was a close race in the end, but Jessica B. took the immediate lead with the "what the F*?" outfits. She showed up in a pepto-bismol pink poncho--oh wait, an afghan--oh wait, tassled tablecloth to meet Jesse in front of that big statue in the middle of Indy downtown. His first words to her: "You look nice. Let's go get a drink."

They go to Wonderland, also called a winery, where they drink from abnormally large wine glasses (Jesse had a few dangerous sips where he almost got his entire face stuck in the glass. Poor Jessica didn't have a prayer), and stared at this no-flowers-are-naturally-colored-this-way centerpiece. Surprise--Jenny the spy and Nick her husband show up. While Jenny is chatting with Jessica (and later tells Jessica to let it all hang out with Jesse, to win him over, etc.), we are introduced to Man Code Moment #1: Nick says, "Dude, how close to these women have you gotten, if you know what I mean." and Jesse says, "Really close" with a sideways stare.

Jesse also tries to get Nick to pick his wife for him, and he refuses. Doo doo doo doo, if I only had a brain....Jesse then brings Jessica to meet his parents. She wins more negative outfit points in a black shawl thing, slightly scaled down from the pink one. Nothing exciting here: mom likes her, dad thinks she's immature, she confesses her love to Jesse, he is confused (From now on, we will shorthand this "PICA" (Palmer is confused again)).

But, dear reader, we get the first inkling why Jesse would be attracted to Jessica--he has a little dog, too. A mini-bulldog with Turrets. The parting shot is of Jesse on the porch and the pooch attempting to hack something up/bark expletives at Jessica's limo.

The second date in Indy is with Tara at the Indy Zoo. Their choice of romantic setting is a table with big-ass yellow flowers and a cold cut combo tray from Wal-Mart. Tara, blessedly normal in a leather jacket, is instantly upstaged by Jenny, wearing a white bathrobe and high heels, who tells Jesse that if she loves Tara, but if she could "build a wife for Jesse (Stepford?), it would be Jessica."

The home visit for Tara is just the opposite of Jessica's: Dad loves Tara, mom suggests that she's not interested in boys. PICA.

First hour ends with Jesse taking both girls shopping for rings, at which point Tara completely wins the race to bad outfitville. She shows up in my 4th grade tap outfit. The only thing her black sequined halter was missing is a choker with bowtie. Surprise, both girls pick the same ring (an eternity band). PICA.

Second hour of the show begins with his final dates with each woman, in which he cooks for each at his house. I liked the product placement of Jesse's Nikes on this date. Otherwise, not so much happened. They drank wine, wound up on the bed, and Tara said she would say yes if he asked her to marry him.

Jessica's date forshadowed the immasculation that would be if he wound up with her. He and Jessica shared girly drinks with fruit and straws. He had Man Code Moment #2 (things you shouldn't say): he tells her he doesn't know what to do, tells her that she and Tara liked the same ring, and shows her the set-up for the rose ceremony the next night. Drawing on my vast experience as the Woman Dumped, I suggest that this Man Code means "try a little harder to win me over." And she did. She whipped out the triangular breasts (more on this in a moment), allowed Jesse to sit on one of her legs as he caressed the other one, and so forth.

A moment needs to be devoted to the triangular breasts: Jessica and Jesse are boobie twins. For you geometry buffs, we might refer to Jesse's boobs as equilateral triangles. Jessica, unfortunately, is more of an Isosceles kind of gal. You do the math.

So anyway, we finally FINALLY get to the day of the rose ceremony. Jesse wakes up and sees two pictures on his bathroom counter: he and Tara smiling....and he, Jessica, and Jessica's dog smiling. Tara and Jessica are getting ready--Tara with her nice, normal hair, and Jessica with her Flock of Seagulls Barbie inspiration. Jesse says it's all clear to him, that he knows who he's going to pick--apparently, he's not a third-string quarterback for nothing.

Jessica is calm. Meanwhile, Tara is a mess. She is crying, she is heavy breathing with her head between her knees. She THROWS UP and we HEAR IT in the bushes by the side of the limo. Think about this going on for 45 minutes to know what I suffered through to write this Update.

Flash to the end: Jesse picks....JESSICA! But he doesn't propose. Instead, he gives her a one-way plane ticket to New York. He says that he's not ready to get married, but when he does propose to her, he will (Orbitz tooth flashing moment) make her the happiest girl in the world. Jessica says, "let's go upstairs," and then sucks on a lemon when Jesse tells her he can't because he has to dump Tara, who is arriving second (what a twist).

So then he dumps Tara, who is still having hot flashes, and Tara gets mad. Man Code Moment #3: Tara says, "After everything you said and did with me on our final date, I can't believe you didn't pick me." Jesse says, "I meant it at the time." Thus confirming the cosmic perfection of the term "fuckwit": I'm sure she would have liked to kick him in the wits at that moment.

Stay tuned for next week's "After the Final Rose," in which Jessica, Jesse, and Tara are on the stage together for the first time ever!!