Fifty Shades Darker Part 2: Jesus Take the Wheel

Gentle Readers, we must tell you that we may be on a one day time delay periodically going forward, as we get slightly more beauty sleep and also, we know that none of you really care about this show.  Moreover, said time delay has allowed the BNU to Achieve New Technological Advancements, as we join forces for the First Time Ever via multi-media presentation.   Lo, for ABe is in The Big City far far away, yet participating via Facetime and Also, Hulu on the IPad of KMu.

Oh! So our Heroine Rachel has so many emotions!  She is riding high from last night’s rose ceremony, yet also anxious, and scared.  She is walking down the sidewalk with her dog Copper, demonstrating her concern. Meanwhile, the men have all gathered round the coffee table for a welcome by Chris Harrison.

“Oh, THAT guy.”  Says ABe.

The Harrison is here to tell us that there will be three dates this week:  two group dates and a 1:1.  As he leaves, a guy wearing a pot holder picks up the first date card.   And it is for . . . Dean Go Black/Not Back, The Boob, Jack the lawyer, the Tickle Guy, Five Minute Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred, and . .. some other guys.  We don’t know what it says because KMu is pouring wine.

 When we look up, RLind is grilling hot dogs in an outfit fraught with peril.  There are cut outs, a skirt that sticks straight out, and also, wedgity high heels. 
“I totally have that same grill outfit,” says KMu.

Further complicating matters, football is played in said grill outfit.   But we almost don’t notice as ABe is spewing rage at The Tickle guy, The Boob is saying “whaboom” every three seconds, and Five Minute Blake is like “I know The Boob and I will Ruin Him, RUIN HIM, I tell you mwahahahaa.”   If we were Rachel, we would light a match on this date and walk away.

But suddenly, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis have popped up on our screen and we discover that they are hosting the Husband Material Challenge.  AND we discover that Mondays for them are for white wine, vodka tonics, and the bachelor and also, that this is their 1:1 date because their parents are at home with their children.   We then love them forever and ever amen because Mila wants to know the following:

“Who has health insurance? Raise your hands.”
“Who has a job?”

We are reminded forcibly of ABe’s dad when summing up suitors: “Do you have a job?  Do you vote?”

AKu is revealing the “Obstacle course to test their husbandry,” and it involves changing a dirty diaper.  We feel a little ill and KMu whispers, “Um, this might be too soon for KLo.”

Babies, on this hallowed Memorial Day Weekend, we went on a family vacation with the niecelets, during which one 3 year old niecelet, who shall remain nameless, got a severe stomach flu.    She left Tasty Treats all over the rental house and also, in this Author’s Tupperware Which We Will Never see the Same Way Again.  These Events of Infamy culminated in a late night trip to the ER (we aimed and missed for urgent care) in which this Author navigated and held the Tupperware-o-vomits for said niecelet as her mother drove.  And upon arrival at the ER, we also received the Best Party Favor ever.

Behold:  The Vomicondom.

We took several home, if anyone would like them.

n any event, and while we can now tell our niecelet when she grows up that we have been carrying her vomit for yeaaaaahrs, we don’t need to see poopy diapers at this very moment.    The other stations of the parental cross are not much better, as they include strapping on a baby bjorn, vacuuming, cleaning hair out of a sink full of dishes, and setting a table.

We look over at ABe’s disembodied head on the Ipad, and discover that she is drinking wine straight from the bottle.

Dean Go Black/Not Back has never held a baby before.  The Tickle Guy feels like his “world” is “falling apart” with this challenge.  Iggy says he “poops every day, so I should be able to handle this.”  Kenny, as a parent himself, SHOULD be the boss of this challenge but out of nowhere, the Boob takes the lead on the poop cleaning challenge. W.T.F.  Come on, Kenny, You have GOT THIS.

Off we go to the baby Bjorn, with The Boob in a slight lead over Kenny – probably because Kenny is actually trying not to break his fake baby’s skull.  But the gap narrows as they vacuum race.  

Meanwhile, men are slowly being put in the “dog house” for finishing last on various challenges, each one looking more somber than the next as The Boob continues to prevail.    

At the hair from drain challenge, our mind wanders.  When this Author was in college, we lived in one of those apartments that no one would live in but college students because it is in the dank converted basement of someone’s home.  One time, our tiny bathroom drain clogged and we stood embarrassed to the roots of our hair as our landlord, a very old and very Mennonite retired college professor, told us the tale of a previous renter who had managed to clog this teeny tiny drain with a pair of underpants.  Babies, we hold these facts to be self-evident:

a.  Said underpants Were Racy if it could go down that drain.
b.  We don’t ever need to have a conversation about Racy Drain Clogging Underpants with a man who looks like Moses again.

We escape our reverie to witness The Boob drowning his baby to get the hair out of the sink, and then PUNCHING KENNY IN THE BABY BJORN in order to get ahead and win the challenge.  He then “Whabooms” and spikes his fake baby on the ground like a football for winning the challenge.   We hate him.  Our only solace is that The Boob tries to get Ashton K to “whaboom” and Ashton refuses, only to then observe, when the Boob does it himself:  “That was . . . .quite an effort.”

We cut to Five Minute Blake is telling the camera how he is going to End The Boob, dropping his baby like a mike. 

WTF all you baby dropping people.  This Author wouldn’t pick a damn one of you.

The horrors of this date continue at a video game bar with 1:1 with the Boob.  This Author claws at the collar of her shirt, wishing in vain that we had a hood to wear as The Boob reads the following “poem that he wrote” to Rachel. Spelling errors in original:

“Your beautiful brown eyes and your gorgeous smile are just the tip of all you entile.  And I look forward to this adventure with you, to continue for a very long while.” 

Babies, our Heroine is TOUCHED by this nonsense.  She likes that The Boob “continues to surprise” her.  We have no words. 

The rest of this date is a non-event. RLind feels like she’s at a job interview as Iggy asks her about her next career goals, Third Grade Fred tries to convince her that he’s not a bad kid anymore, The Attorney talks to her with his face angled for a kiss the entire time, and the Tickle Guy tries to make small talk about diapers.

Meanwhile, Iggy and Five Minute Blake are confronting The Boob.  Five Minute Blake apparently is roommates with The Boob’s ex-girlfriend and claims he only is a “clown for TV exposure” who is wearing makeup.  This exchange lasts for like five minutes, with The Boob saying things like “I hold myself in high regard” and Five Minute Blake being Enraged by Whaboom’s duplicity or something.  Five Minute Blake also wastes his time with Rachel complaining about The Boob.

Kenny, for All of Us:  “Listen, I’m a wrestler.  I know all about white dudes doing crazy.   If you want to get on a merry go round, get your ass over to Santa Monica and go on a merry go round.”

The rose on this date goes to Dean Go Black/Not Back, who looks like a child.  The following protests are heard from the BNU Peanut Gallery:

KMu:  “She should take him on a date and teach him how to shave.”
ABe: “If some random white dude came up to me and said he’s going black not back, I’d be like ‘get the f-ck out of here.’”

At least Rachel and Dean’s kiss is not terrible.

While this Tragedy is Playing, Date Card #2 has come for FIRST PETER from Wisconsin!!  Yaayyayay!!   “I’m looking for my best friend,” it reads.  

As this Author professes her love for First Peter, KMu sighs to ABe: “You know how she is drawn to the biblical characters.” But ABe is fan-girling also, so We RE Justified.

We are a little confused as to why Rachel is wearing a t-shirt knotted at the waist for this date, but we suspect that it is because ABC is all “can you at least show a little skin,” and we forgive her.  

So, we discover that First Peter and RLind are going to Palm Springs with her dog, to attend “Bark Fest.”

First Peter: [giving Copper scritches is the plane.]
ABe:  “I would like First Peter to do that to me.”
RLind:  “I love how he is very attentive to Copper.”
ABe: “And also HE IS HOT.”

KMu is making fun of us but when we look over, we see the following:

KMu: “Wisconsin for life, babies!”

First Peter and RLind relax and talk about being willing to move for love, which RLind reveals she learned she was “willing to do the long and hard way.”   We are only half paying attention because we are admiring First Peter’s salt and pepper hair.

This date continues to go swimmingly at dinner, as RLind and First Peter talk about their respective tooth gaps.  First Peter’s is apparently genetic.  RLlind was told by her dentist that she may want to keep it because it is distinctive, so she never got it fixed. 

This Author wishes she still had her tooth gap, which was fixed when we were a child.

But then RLind asks First Peter why he is still single, and he reveals that he had been broken-hearted a few times, including an ill-conceived relationship that ended badly when he moved from LA back to Wisconsin.  He ended up seeing a relationship therapist, who helped him be more “calm in my thoughts.”  And THEN, RLind revealed that she also went to a therapist, which was the best decision ever in her life.

He gets the rose, and there are fireworks, and SHE is the one who goes in for the kiss (which is not gross). 

ABe claps.

We have the sense that, unlike most people at this stage, RLind and First Peter are having more and better conversations than shown on the television. We love First Peter, as does RLind, who declares herself to be a “smitten kitten.”

At last, date card #3 has come to the house, for Zoolander, Will, Jamey, Diggy, The Russian, Lee the singer, Matt (the penguin from last week??), Eric, DeMario, and maybe others.  “Swish,” it reads, and we know that basketball is about to be played.

Mixing his metaphors, DeMario says:  “You can sink, or swim with the fishes.  Time to see who is built Ford Tough.”

The Russian is not, as he shows up in a man bun and/or the smallest ponytail seen on someone who is not five years old.  

Upon witnessing RLind shooting free throws, Josiah the Prosecutor (also apparently on this date) confusingly says “she had on some leggings that fit her body like a coca cola bottle.” 

But we don’t care because Kareem Abdul Jabbar is suddenly here like the “Mr. Miagi of basketball,” says KMu.  He talks about Items In the Heart being more important than Items In the Mind, and also, gives them some practice AND ALSO reveals that they will be playing a game to a packed house later that evening.

DeMario, though annoying the crap out of all of us, is apparently connecting with RLind.  We can only conclude this is because she does not hear him saying things like “RLind needs a confident man,” and “I as born a winner” and also “women like to watch their men.”  She confesses a secret weakness for athletes and, as DeMario continues to dominate on the basketball court, we grow worried.

So the game happens, with teams “Purple Rose Trapeze” (???) against “Lindsay’s Long Horns,” and the people in purple win.   Someone says “team work makes the dream work” and we hate them.  

Post game, we are confident that DeMario is going to get the rose until . . . some woman named Lexi shows up.  And reveals that her boyfriend of seven months just disappeared one day and then a few days later, she turned on the television to see him meeting RLind and also, that said boyfriend is DeMario.

Oooooooooo.   

RLind blinks, and then like the Boss Attorney That She Is, heads into the locker room to “borrow”  DeMario.  The men think she is borrowing him to give him the rose, as does DeMario, who is all “the basketball gods have blessed me once again.” And then:

Lexi:  “Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it.”
DeMariio:  “[stumbling] ooh ohh, who is this?”
Lexi:  “You don’t recognize me?”
DeMario: “See, this girl is a psycho.  I left her many moons ago.  She’s crazy man.”
RLind, LAWYERING UP:   “When, exactly, did you stop dating?”
DeMario:  “I mean, I don’t know the exact date . . .”
RLind: “I need you to be specific with me.”
DeMario:  “I mean, I was weaning off the texting because she’s crazy you know.”
RLind:  “No, if someone is crazy, you would just cut off the texting.  Not continue.  I’m listening to what you say, and I want you to know that you don’t make sense.”
DeMario:  “I haven’t talked to her in weeks man”
Lexi:  “I have the texts to prove it.”
RLind:  “If I ask her to show me her phone, is it going to coincide with what YOU said or what SHE said.”

God bless deposition skills.

And then, RLind says, for All of Us: “I genuinely think you want to be here.  I just don’t think you are here for me.  So, I’m just going to need you to get the f-ck out.”

RACHEL. FOR THE WIN.

And then to Chris Harrison, who stands randomly under a ladder in the middle of the basketball court:  “This is not the shit I signed up for.” 

So RLind calms herself and then tells the remaining guys what happened, and warns them that if anyone else has a girlfriend, go home now.  Meanwhile, DeMario takes himself home while repeatedly saying “this is crazy man.”  We don’t care.

Though we have no interest in the rest of this date, it unfortunately continues at, quite literally, the “cabinet of curiosities” including at least one stuffed raccoon.  The men try to “comfort” RLind, who seems not to need any comforting but rather, a wide berth because she is still A Bit Salty.   

Unfortunately, the comfort includes Josiah laying it on thick and then giving her a Very Bad Kiss, The Russian singing a song in . . . Russian . . . about dark eyes,  Eric the personal trainer giving some kind of motivational speech followed by an equally horrible kiss, and . . . .

Josiah gets the rose.  NOOOO.

At last we are the rose ceremony.  

Ok, you know those copper arthritis bracelets?   Gentle readers, we need to have a discussion with Rachel:

And also, she has a black kitty for on top.

KMu:  “Once you go black, you never go .. “
ABe:  “Just, no.”

The Columbian Chiropractor immediately swoops in on RLind, gives her the worst kiss of the entire night, and informs her that he is going to crack her back.   Ok, we secretly love our chiropractor but this would be weird.

But we are distracted because DeMario is apparently at the front door.  And Chris Harrison has shown up because DeMario wants to rectify the “character assassination” that somehow occurred at his own hands earlier in the day.  And while we hope fervently that RLind will tell The Harrison that she doesn’t even want to bother with him, she instead says that her “curiosity is at an all time high” and heads forward with the men on her heels.

This Author: “This is the part where the guys are like stone him, STONE HIM.”
KMu:  “Goody Proctor, Line 2.”

Stay tuned for next week, when we learn whether DeMario Lives Another Day and also, who gets voted off the island.

- KLo