Fifty Shades Darker Part 1: What Fresh Hell Is This

Babies, we resolutely Voted With Our Feet with Season Evil Nick.  Consequently, we know nothing about the new bachelorette, Rachel Lindsay, except that she is a “The Black Woman Everyone Can Agree On,” in the words of ABe.  But, in spite of all the photo ops and the intense violins and also, many views of the House of Ill Repute also known as the Bachelor Pad, we like her. 

Lo, for RLind is from Dallas, is 31 years old, knows her own damn mind, shoots a hoop, and also, is a TRIAL ATTORNEY, defense side, gentle readers.  We hear her say “Objection your honor, speculation” and ABe and this Tiny Author let out a thrilled giggle.

 But then comes the hard part, for we must see RLind’s trail of tears through Season Evil Nick, which basically includes a highlight reel of kisses and such questions as “what would your heart say” followed by much crying in the limo as he sends her home in the snow and the Wilds.   So basically, We Missed Nothing in skipping last season.   And also, We Regret Nothing about having missed the last After the Final Rose, in which some asspickle told her that he was “Ready to go black, and I’m never going back.”

WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT.

So we made it through all of that, which has aged us all 800 years.  And we also make it through the part where Maxine the Cartoon has come to life in the form of old ladies telling RLind not to sleep with any of the men and also, to make the right decision. 

Baby EMu, now an astute Young Person, breaks in with a pertinent question:  "Is this the one where the boys hunt the girl or the girls hunt the boy?"

And then our heart stops for it is Opening Night and Rachel is wearing . . . The Kitty.  Over a dress, of course, but it is The Kitty nonetheless.   This is juxtaposed with flashbacks to the Life and Times of Rachel’s Contenders, which include (did we mention that we hate this episode):

Kenny the 35 year old professional wrestler with a 10 year old daughter.  We love him, as he is mellow.

Jack, a 31 year old lawyer from Texas, whose mother died when he was in high school.  Which has clearly led to poor life decisions like becoming a lawyer.

Alex, who is a 28 year old child yet paradoxically hot hot hot in a Hugh Jackman kind of way and also, of Russian heritage.  Though he was likely cast prior to January 21, we find his inclusion somehow fitting in light of Recent Political Events.

Mo, a 26 year old Indian man from San Francisco who dances Bollywood and whose biggest accomplishment is his tech start up.  
“Stereotype much ABC?”  whispers ABe.

This guy, Lucas, who basically screams “Wha boom” continuously and is so annoying that we simply stop taking Any of The Notes.
KMu:  “Wait, why is this guy single???”
We simply cannot figure it out.
Lucas is A Boob.  

Also, some man named Blake who is a personal trainer with 90210 hair and who talks continuously about his sexual prowess, but maintains that it’s important to have a relationship during the other 23 hours and 55 minutes of each day.

Diggy from Chicago.  He owns a lot of shoes.

Josiah, a prosecutor from Florida whose film clip has him saying “We’re gonna go after this guy.  He’s a bad guy.  We’re gonna get him off the street” on the phone.
KMu:  “That’s totally what prosecutors say all day long.”

On a more serious note, Josiah’s brother hung himself in the back yard when Josiah was 7 years old, Josiah cut him down, and then Josiah went on a binge committing crimes until he was 12 years old and decided to become a lawyer.  That was also totally This Author’s path to lawyerdom, including but not limited to Crimes of Fashion and also, working for church-affiliated organizations which, Let Us Tell You, which will send one hightailing it for a world with legal regulation as fast as one’s legs can go.

But we digress.

More on Point, KMu observes: “Oh man, that’s some hot chocolate there.”

Next up is the interlude where Our Heroine interacts with Castaways from Season Evil Nick.  We know none of these people, having boycotted said season.  Consequently, we dispassionately observe a group of stringy little girls with too much makeup and bad extensions, tearfully encouraging Rachel not to “judge anyone that comes in a costume” and also, “take your lawyer rage hat off.”

KMu: “Wait, where’s your lawyer rage hat KLo?  Oh right, its still on.”

And so it begins.  Chris Harrison is standing in the driveway with Rachel, noting that “some great guys have come from all over the country for you.”
“As have some awful ones,” says ABe.  “Some really, really terrible ones.”

This is why we hate this episode – too many lists and men and ugh.  So let’s just rip that bandaid off. 

1.  First out of the limo we have Peter, a business owner from Wisconsin in a plaid jacket.  Ooooo, we like Peter the First and feel things are off to a good start.

2. Josiah the prosecutor, who insists that she will have “no reasonable doubt” that he’s the man for her.
ABe: ‘Objection, calls for speculation.”
This Author:  “Objection, assumes facts not in evidence.”

3. Bryan the chiropractor, who is Columbian and, we reluctantly admit (all of us), super hot.  But he says “girrrrl, you in trouble” and we hate him for it.
KMu: “Did he just try to ‘hood talk her??”

4. Kenny the wrestler. He kisses Rachel’s hand and we love him.

5. A law student.  In fairness, this show IS a good networking opportunity for lawyers.

6. Some other guy.  Consulting Firm CEO from Chicago.

7. Bryce the firefighter, who sweeps Rachel off her feet.

8.  Steve Urkel a/k/a Will the sales manager.  We can’t keep track and don’t care.

Diggy.

9.  Kyle, in marketing in LA.  He wants to show her his Jamaican cheese buns.  We have no words.

10.  Blake, military.

11.  Zoolander, the male model who slings a sledge hammer to break the ice.

12. Dean go black/not back.

13.  Eric a personal trainer.

14.  DeMario, who is confident that Rachel will become his wife.  We are equally confident she will not, as her grammar is better than his.

15.  Also Blake, the 5 minute sexual prowess dude, playing the drums in a marching band.   Upon seeing 5 Minute Blake march up, Peter The First stresses that he should have done more to impress Rachel with his own intro (which was blessedly normal), and the entire BNU screams “No no n o no” in comfort of him.

We take a break from this parade of mostly Horribles to listen to the guys being amazed that RLind is both “smart AND hot.”
“You don’t see that combination,” says some dude.
Really?  REALLY?  Clearly these gentlemen have not lived long enough to encounter the BNU staff.  We are, each of us, S.P.E.C.T.A.C.U.L.A.R.

16. Demonstrating that hot and smart don’t always come in the same package (like they do in the BNU), we next meet Fred the executive assistant, who happened to attend third grade with our Heroine.  “He as a VERY bad kid,” says she.

17.  Jonathan, occupation “tickle monster” -- who grabs at Rachel around the middle in an attempt to tickle her.  Jonathan’s occupation would read “early retirement due to occupational hazard of punch to the throat,” if This Author were In Rachel’s shoes.

18.  Lee, a terrible country western singer.  “It’s like when you’re teaching, and you’re doing critiques of student work, and you get to the student that’s so bad you don’t know what to say.. . ” says ABe.  

19.  Alex the Russian.

20.  Adam, a real estate guy from France with a doll called “Adam Junior.”  We have no words, so we will provide a picture.

  

21.- 28.   Then we have a penguin named Matt, an ER doctor, an educator, a sales guy, and another attorney because oh right!  Attorneys love to date attorneys!   The Bollywood dancer, maybe another ER physician, and a guy who dumbfounds us all with this witticism: “the blacker the brownie, the sweeter the dude.”
KMu:  “Do you agree with that ABe?”
ABe:  “I have no response.”

29. Last but not least, we have The Boob (Whaboom guy).  With a bullhorn.  We hate him (All of Us).

Somehow, we think we missed two men in there, but who's counting. Let the cocktail party begin.  

Rachel gives a nice welcome speech about how she wants each of them to keep it real “100.”

KMu: “Actually you may not want that with some of them.”

But there is rushing in our ears because Gentle Readers, here is our thing: 

On Monday, this Tiny Author was at the Death Star Office in the Big City, going about Work Items before we left to perform yet more Work Items on a Satellite Moon the next day.   Only we made a tactical error in the wearing of linen pants to the Star which had been smooshed into our suitcase and then double smooshed into our thigh crevices and therefore, by the end of the day looked like this:

And yet, as we packed our belongings to make our bedraggled way home for the evening, we heard the tinkling of glass and teeth-sharpened, disembodied attorney laughter.   And lo, it was a Summer Associate Cocktail Party for All and Sundry.  In the nice suits and high heels for Good Impression Making By All Involved.  

Like a wilted Venetian fan, this Tiny Author was forced to scuttle her way through the Empire forces in their sharp suits and also, aspiring Storm Troopers, to escape the Death Star and restore ourselves at a Noodles & Company. 

Attorney cocktail parties are stressful.  Especially with unfortunate pants.

Yet here we are, at our second one of the week (albeit virtually), listening to Josiah the prosecutor makes the hard sell on his story of plucky street urchin arrest at age 12 followed by legal greatness, some guy whom we will love forever sums it up as “I’m a lawyer, and you’re a lawyer, and what’s the best case you ever solved.” 

We also learn that the law student made Rachel a trading card featuring herself.
ABe:  “And a mixed tape.” (also known as a “radio tape,” according to the infant that checked This Author into her hotel the other night). 

But then we feel more bad for RLind, who is completely, totally creeped out by Tiny Andrew, the Life Like Doll.
Kenny the wrestler:  “That doll’s fade is bad.”
RLind:  “I really don’t like dolls. It’s a thing.”
RLind: (reluctantly sits on the sofa with the doll).
Tiny Andrew: (speaking French):  “You ignite a fire in me  . . . “
KMu:   “This is like every girl who is afraid to fly and gets sent on a helicopter date.  Rachel probably wrote in her thing that she’s afraid of dolls and ABC was like, “All right folks, who wants to bring one?”

Suddenly, the Columbian Chiropractor (Bryan) has whisked Rachel away into a corner where he is confessing that at age 37, he has no intention of wasting her time.  And then he goes for it.  And this kiss is the TOP 10 WORST KISSES EVER WITNESSED BY THE BNU.  We are screaming.  ABe is screaming.  KMu is screaming.  It is like two geese fighting over a Tasty Treat, or that video of couple that saved their first kiss for marriage going that made the rounds a few years ago. 

There is a reason you’re supposed to do this behind the bike rack in Junior High, people.

We have not sufficiently recovered before DeMario is asking Rachel whether she prefers Back Street Boys or NSync, and some other guy is GROWLING at her (which she says on no uncertain terms is NOT her thing), and then Mo the Indian start-up guy is so drunk that he keeps two-stepping towards and away from her as she talks to other men.  Further, The Boob is continuing to scream “WhaBoom” everywhere and talk through his Bull Horn, narrating her time with Peter the First. 

Says someone, for All Of Us:  “He’s a nut case, did you guys drug test.”  Unfortunately, 5 Minute 

Blake decides to “call him out” because what better thing to do with A Boob then to give him center stage.   So they go off to talk about how he’s not there for the “right reasons.”
ABe:  “Why are you challenging him over this?”

As the night fades to morning, Josiah the Prosecutor grates on our nerves by picking up and wearing the First Impression Rose.  Meanwhile, Kenny  (who we have since learned has the wrestling name Pretty Boy Pit Bull Kenny King”) Speaks The Truth:
“If she picks WhaBoom, we all need to reexamine what we think is fly.’

But in the end, Rachel gives her first impression rose to Goose, apparently because he kissed her “so well.” 

Rachel:  “I feel something unexplainable.”
KMu (whispering in the Spanishes):  “inexplicable.”

As Goose tries to make it a double for the night, Drunk Mo, Speaking For the Field tells them:  “Noooooo.  Keep your mouth away!!!!”

In any event, we like Peter the First better.  And The Russian.  And Kenny.  These are our top three at the moment, but will they be picked Gentle Readers?  YES.  YES THEY WILL. 

Getting roses to join Goose this Evening are:
2. Peter the First!!!!
3.  Will (one of the many sales people)
4. Jack the lawyer
5. Jamey
6.  Iggy the Asian Pacific Islander.  KMu queries, “So there’s an Iggy and a Diggy???”
7.  Jamey.  Oopsie we wrote it down wrong.  Oh well we will figure it out next week.
8.  Eric
9.  DeMario, who is way too chatty.
10.  Jonathan the Tickle Monster.  Cut. Him.
11. Bryce the Firefighter. 
12.  The Russian!!!
13.  Kenny!!!
14.  Dean Go Black/Not Back guy.
15.  A guy dressed as a penguin (Matt?)
16.  Anthony.
17.  Zoolander.
18.  Josiah the Prosecutor.  Blech.
19.  Lee.
20.  Diggy.
21.  Fred, the guy from third grade.
22.  Adam.  Without his creepy little doll body double.
23.   Five Minute Blake, aaaaaand
24.  The Boob.   Who screams “WhaBoom.”  We conclude that ABC made her do it because there is no more annoying person on this earth.

Milton the growler cries.  “I bought a bunch of outfits I got to wear.  I didn’t even get to show them off.”

Having gotten through the worst episode of the entire season, we are gifted with a preview of the Delights ABC Has In Store: essentially, a great deal of kissing in Sweden.  All we care about is that we spied Peter the First, so he’s still In the Game for at least another couple weeks.

Stay tuned, babies.  We will Get You Through.

KLo