YOJO Part 5: Defying Gravity

Babies, God does not want us watching the Bachelorette for Lo, She sent away KMu on vacation.  Then, Our Friend SKu donated unto us her Television And Also Cable, but God sent us a terrible storm full of Ferociousness and Many Downed Tree, and Tooketh from us SKu’s Television, Cable, and also, Electricity, Amen.  So, this Viewer decided to watch at our workplace.  Therefore, ABe and also, guest viewer SaKiMe, came unto our workplace in the dead of night for Clandestine Viewing Beside a Fireplace And Everything. 

And God smiteth us with this:

Lo, God smiteth us for 45 minutes but then, on at the 46^th minute God spoke to us and told us to fiddle with the remote and This Author DID and We Were In Business.  

So it is only after catching up via the Hulu that SKu also gave unto us, that we are reminded that we last left off on the 2:1 date with Chump and Annoying Alex, with Chump getting the boot and Alex kissing Jo Jo in the most awful fashion ever.  In any event, we are able to report that Chump came back, and there was a confrontation between him and the men EVEN THOUGH he has been kicked off the island but we hate him and All OF ABC for giving him air time, so we shall not join in.

Then there was a rose ceremony in which The Man Claws Came Out and James F (whoever he is) read a poem which begins: 

“Her heart is like a treasure; her dreams not hard to see. . . .”
 And we shall end:

  “Her dress looks really complicated; let’s hope she doesn’t have too pee.”

Ultimately, 9021Luke confesses his love and James F., and Daniel: Occupation Canadian, get the boot, eh.   And THEN everyone goes to Uruguay so that Jo Jo could go on a date with Jordache Jeans.  In the middle of these items, KMu whisper-texts across the miles that the following has happened on her family vacation: 

CHu:  “What is the point of all this?”
KMu:  “You mean, this show?”

While CHu and KMu are pondering the Meaning Of It All, Jordache Jeans is on his date. “Let’s seal the date,” reads the card.    We just have absolutely no interest in him, and even less when they get on a yacht with “every throw pillow from Pier One,” concludes KMu, and kiss amidst the seals.   The other men are mad that Jordache Jeans gets yet another date.

Vinny the barber, cutting everyone’s hair back at the house, has somehow *magically* obtained trashy magazines . . . written in English. . . to Uruguay.  We are amazed that ABC has permitted him to have reading material (a no no), and also, Shocked and Surprised because we cannot possibly imagine how that Magically Available Reading Material came to involve an interview with Jo Jo’s ex-boyfriend Chad (not Chump, but apparently another Chad).   We cannot possibly imagine however they could have stumbled upon such tabloid fodder.

The men cannot stop discussing this article, which apparently causes them all to be concerned that Jo Jo might not be “here for love” because everything one reads in the tabloids is true.  We grow tired, and also disbelieving when the next date card comes for 9021Luke, Beefy Jim, Chase, Penis Pastor, Jim Bob Taylor, Grant the Firefighter, Wells, and Annoying Alex.  “I can’t stand to be away from you,” it reads. 

Back on Jo Jo’s date with Jordache Jeans, we are dismayed to discover that Jo Jo is wearing a dress made from linen and grease to enter said linen, and Jordache Jeans is wearing “jeans that make him look like he has womens’ legs,” concludes ABe.

This Author once spent a month sharing an apartment in London with an ex-boyfriend because his friend didn’t come on the class trip at the last minute and This Author was the Next Best Thing (ie., the delicate flower without a roommate).  High on yoga and androgeny from a recent trip through India, the Ex-B thought it would be excellent to wear This Author’s jeans.  And so, like a Cat In Stretch Pants stretching proudly in the afternoon sun, the image of that man will be Forever Burned in Our Brain.

We are reminded forcibly of Le Cat In Dishabille when we see Jordache Jeans. We simply don’t understand this.  We also don’t understand his hair:

“The higher the hair, the closer to God,” whispers reader JaVa across the miles.

While we cannot get past All Of This, Jo Jo is attempting to confront Jordache Jeans about his past.  “So, I met someone you used to date,” she begins, as his face freezes.   Blah Blah, he was not the best, but explains his prior bad-boyfriendness away by being the influence of pro football.  And also this:  

Him: “Like my pastor always says, you don’t love someone unless you put a ring on her finger.”

ABe:  “Well, that’s a different form of name dropping, I guess. .. “

Jo Jo:  “Last week you told me you were falling for me, but now you tell me that you’re falling in love.  That’s a big difference.  Do you think you’ll pull away?”

This Author:  WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Jordache Jeans:  “I am confident.  I am blown away with you.

Jo Jo:  “I am not scared anymore!!!”

He gets the rose.

“But what does that mean, him getting the rose?” queries new viewer SaKiMe.

“C for Continue, Baby!!” says this Author.

The end this date making out in the street amongst carnival people, including naked women with sparklers over their ying yangs.

So Jo Jo floats through the hotel after her date with Jordache Jeans, at least as best she can in a linen bandage.  Oh, she can’t imagine a better date!  Oh, the magic!!  And then a producer shows her the magazine with the interview from her ex-boyfriend.

Jo Jo: “why are you showing me this?”

The Producer:  “The guys have seen it.”

This Author:  “Nonresponsive, move to strike.”

Jo Jo:  “MY guys???”

Cue the tears. Jo Jo is furious that she tried to be a friend to her ex, who is A Bad Person who then Profited Off of Her Pain.  She goes over to talk the guys, shows them the article, tells them that The Evil Ex brought her to “A Bad Place” and then the following happens all at once:

Annoying Alex 5 seconds ago:  “Can we even trust her?”

Annoying Alex 5 seconds later:  “It doesn’t matter true or false, we believe you Jo Jo.”

ABe:  “Does the Penis Pastor’s tattoo say ‘Joanie loves Chachi?’”

Jim Bob Taylor:  “No one cries and shakes like that with a guilty frame of mind.”

What?

Jo Jo: “I’m here now with men who are genuinely SO good.”

WHAT?

Somehow, this resolves itself while This Viewer is partaking of a cookie, and we head on to the group date.   Jo Jo is, of course, in leggings, a tank top, and a flannel shirt in the desert of Uruguay.  Good news, the men are basically wearing the same thing.  And they are all going to sand surf!  What could possibly go wrong?

This author once sandsurfed.  We were terrible!

But enough of this Author, for Beefy Jim is upset that there are so many men on the date because it makes him feel Jealous. . . .which he views as “good” because it means he “actually cares.”  We are going to give Beefy Jim a pass because he once stood up to Chump, but seriously dude.

While Beefy Jim is getting in touch with his feelings, Jordache Jeans and Robby the swimmer are at the spa getting pedicures.

We hope that they do not Get A Frankentoe. 

As we worry about Pedicures in the Mall and all infected frankenfeet associated therewith, the date card comes for Robby:  “Love is within our Reach,” it reads. 

“Dude, I got a date card.” Says Robby.  “It’s going to be Awesome.”

Dude.

Back on the group date, it is now the cocktail 1:1 meet and greet.  9021Luke is telling Jo Jo that he is pretty confident who she is, and also, how difficult exes can make it when one is trying to move forward. They kiss.   And then she kisses some others, and the BNU is not really paying attention because we are Bad People and also, trying to figure out if Jo Jo’s dress has a cut out or just “reflective tape,” around the bottom, as suggested by SaKiMe.

SaKiMe: “Um, maybe it’s for if she gets caught in a dark alley?”

But now Annoying Alex is talking.  Gentle Readers, Annoying Alex is right up there with Chump.  We seriously. Just. Cannot.  Anymore.  And Annoying Alex is even worse because he’s singled out another guy to snipe at:   Beefy Jim.

Annoying Alex:  “He’s a very jealous guy.  A calculating guy.  I don’t like him.”

Annoying Alex, switching gears in his 1:1 time with Jo Jo:  “This is real.  You can’t get this with text messages.”
ABe:  “WTF, you guys.”

Annoying Alex:  “This is the realest it’s been in my LIFE.”

ABE:  “Seriously, W.T. Actual F.”

Suddenly Annoying Alex is confessing his feelings but we have lost the thread because This Author thinks his eyes are red from being in the sand all day but ABe thinks its because of Meth. 

Either way, it doesn’t matter in the end because Beefy Jim gets the rose on this date.

At last, we are on the final date, or rather, waiting for the final date while Jo Jo allegedly plays with a wild dog on the beach while waiting for Robby.  She feels that “puppy love,” Babies, and we can only hope she means for Robby.

So this is the “let’s go see the town and get A-Cultured” date. 

“These streets are so full of culture,” gushes Jo Jo.

SaKiMe:  “Is she, like, FROM Uruguay?”
This Author:  “Nope, Texas.”

Jo Jo and Robby the Swimmer wander around, buy food, and eventually prepare to jump off a cliff.  But we at the BNU have bigger fish to fry:

ABe:  “Why is his hair so bad?”

This Author:  It’s like the man’s version of that horsey thing.”

SaKiMe:  Maybe it would be better with a pony tail?”

ABe:  “Now I can’t stop imagining him with a ponytail.”

As they strip down and jump off a cliff, Jo Jo is “comforted” by the fact that she is jumping to her certain death with an Olympic swimmer.

ABe:  “He does have a nice body at least.”

SaKiMe:  “If you look below his hair line.”

Blah blah back on the date, Robby tells the camera that he is falling in love.   And then he tells Jo Jo that back on the evening of April 17 2015, his best friend died.  And then wind goes out of this Author’s sails because last year, on the evening of April 17, 2015, this Author was having to Dance With Some Stars for The Charity while we thought our sister SHa was going to die from A Fucking Brain Tumor.  This Author cannot put into words how surreal that was.  

Suddenly, this Author is blinking back the tears with Robby and we cannot believe ourselves.  (Happy Ending:  This Author advised SHa and The Entire Universe that we were Not Going To Take That Shit, and she is now healthy and still the reason we write this putrid blog.  Good morning, SHa.).   But we cannot and will not make fun of Robby for saying that when he learned of his friend’s death, he left the job, city, and girlfriend that weren’t right for him because he didn’t want to live another day like that.  We hear you, Robby of the Horrible Hair. 

But our kinship with Robby only goes so far when he says this:  “Gravity’s gonna take you where you’re gonna go, and so is love.”

This Author:  “DEFYING GRAAAAAAAVITY……..”

Suddenly, our colleague BDe appears at the foot of the sofa.
“KLo?”   says he.

“AAAAAAVITTYYYYYYHrmfph um hello,” says this Author, suddenly conscious of the Crime Scene laid out before us.

BDe: “Is this the BNU?”

Three sets of eyes stare back at him.

“Yes,” whispers this Author.

BDe disappears down the stairs.

So, back on planet BNU, Robby tells Jo Jo that he loves her because it is week 5 so someone must do that, and he gets the rose. 

Robby:  “I’m in love, I’m in love, I’m in love.”

This Author, studying the giant widget affixed to Jo Jo’s finger:  “I really hate Jo Jo’s ring.” 
SaKiMe: “It’s like a window into her heart.”
This Author: “It looks like a hamster platter.”

While this date is happening, Annoying Alex is back at the house, sniping about Beefy Jim to the rest of the men and talking about picking a fight with him.  He is successful, as there is a contingent that doesn’t like that Beefy Jim got a rose or Jo Jo’s stated reason for it:  to reassure him.  Says Annoying Alex:  “I don’t need reassurance.”   We may dislike him more than Chump.

Beefy Jim concludes, rather appropriately, that Alex, Jordache Jeans, and some of the other men have essentially formed a “mean girls clique.”

At last it is the rose ceremony.  Randomly, the men are discovered wandering around a farm in the Uruguyan countryside.

Says some anonymous man:  “The dynamic has kind of switched from ‘friendly’ to ‘jealousy.’”

ABe:  HAHAHAHAHA

We know that Robby, Beefy Jim, and Jordache Jeans have roses already.  But Beefy Jim causes a minor ruckus when he tries to take the “cliquey” guys outside and talk to them about it, which goes about as well as it did in Junior High:

Jordache Jeans:  “we are not being cliquey.  And you didn’t have to bring us out here to tell us so!”

Annoying Alex:  “You’re being too sensitive.”

Some other dude: “Yeah, and you have a rose.”

We don’t care, make it end. And so it does.  Jo Jo comes out in a polyester green dress with a gold metallic waist band AND cutouts.  And then the camera pans out and we see that it ALSO has a bonus slit up to her waist. 

Says CHu:  “Whoa! Cut up to her waist!”
KMu:  “Let’s hope that’s all we see.”

And Jo Jo picks to join Robby, Beefy Jim, and Jordache Jeans:

1.  9021Luke

2.  Chase

3.  Annyong Alex.  NOOOOOO.

4.  Jim Bob Taylor.  And. . . .

5.  Wells.

Grant, Vinny, and the Penis Pastor go home.   We are not surprised by any of them.

Stay tuned for next week, when we all go to Buenos Aires, Argentina. 

KLo.