Peter Brady Part 9: This Is Not Going To End Well

The scene:  This author wrapped in a blanket, perched miserably on the very bottom edge of the bed watching the Bachelor through the modern day equivalent of bunny ears:  A web tv hook up, complete with antenna.   Which keeps shorting out every time this author moves.

The plague is a terrible thing, but we are pretty sure we did not miss anything when we finally get our antenna in the right location (husband waving it by window).  Peter Brady is in Jamaica, while through voice over, he holds each woman up to the lamp and says what he loves about them and/or what gives him pause.   To summarize, blah blah Caila, but Lauren LaurEN was love at first sight, and then Jo Jo’s brothers were awful.

As this is happening, we see Peter Brady pacing the beach, and then Climbing A Ruin in a Salmon Linen Shirt of Rage.  Caila is walking a pier In Quiet Contemplation like at the start of this Author’s New Years Resolution Yoga video, which we have yet to do in this New Year.  She looks, at any moment, like she is going to advise This Author to take a deep, cleansing breath and then throw her leg behind her ear. 

Meanwhile, Lauren LaurEN is in drinking coffee in a silken teal bathrobe.  Our tiniest niecelet will depict this for you, Gentle Readers:  

Out of the mouth of babes.  Or other parts.

Finally, we see Jo Jo in a salmon silk bathrobe of rage with Random Lace Should Cutouts. WTF.

Off we go to date #1 with Caila, who is wearing this:  

Just in case you all cannot tell from this Work of Art, Caila is wearing The Smallest Jeans Shorts Ever and a basically a Sports Bra.  Like, the only thing standing between this top and a sports bra is the fact that this top is a halter.  We cannot believe this outfit, or that it can possibly be comfortable and will not result in giant, welty mosquito bites in Awkward Places as they ride through the jungle on a wooden raft driven by a large, elderly POC.  We become horrified, on multiple levels.  As we look at Caila, we whisper:  "What's the use you learning to [wear clothes,] when it's troublesome to [wear clothes] and ain't no trouble to [not wear clothes], and the wages is just the same?"

Peter Brady and Caila are awkward as this poor man, who we shall call “Jim,” steers them to the “Jerk Center” for lunch.  Ha Ha, and also, where is Chris Harrison?  As they eat jerk chicken out of a banana leaf and drink coconut water, Caila confesses that she wants to enjoy the moment but cannot get past the idea of two other women being there.  We cannot get past the halter sports bra situation.

At dinner, Caila trades up for a dress made of black lace tanga pants, on the bottoms and the tops.  She throws herself on Peter Brady as he worries about how she wasn’t bubbly that morning, you know, like he was used to.  Really?  She confesses that she was “off” because she is falling in love with him.  He smiles pleasantly.

 We nervously drink tea At The Pace off Wine as Caila is now on a roll:
“I know I am where I am supposed to be when we take a deep breath together!” says she.
What?
Caila continues:  “No man has ever made me feel this way before!”

Suddenly they are in swimsuits (Cailas’ is just string.  Everywhere.) and then making out in the fantasy suite and Caila literally is not wearing bottoms. 

End scene.

We wake up in the morning with Caila and Peter Brady, drinking coffee.  She declares that her love for him will keep “blooming after the final rose” and we eliminate her on that basis.

Off we go to date #2 with Lauren LaurEN.  Basically, Lauren LaurEN is wearing the Caila’s jeans shorts and a variation of her top:

As we begin to become enraged at this outfit, we freeze at A Very Sobering Realization.  Babies, this Author once wore an identical outfit (to Caila’s, no less) to just, you know, hang out when we were about 20 years old.   And also, Jello Wrestle.  Please be advised that if this Author did not believe Anonymity is Best for All Involved with this Blog, we would post the photo to prove it.

Now we are ashamed because we are awash with memory from the days when we did not understand the use of high waisted tops and Comfort Elastic.  And we forgive Caila a little for dressing like she cannot decide between summer yardwork and the gym.  We do not, however, forgive Lauren LaurEN because her shorts are cut so aggressively upwards that we fear we may see Ladybit at any moment.

So Peter Brady is taking Lauren LaurEN to a sea turtle habitat at Gibralter beach.  We meet an elderly scientist with the fluffy hair, who explains the history of his sea turtle studies and we love him for going on this show to preserve The Earths.  Peter Brady and Lauren LaurEN are going to release a nest of baby sea turtles towards the sea.

“This is one of my dreams, to be part of something like this!” says Lauren LaurEN.

So. . . what This Author is hearing is that you have nonspecific dreams to be part of some nonspecific thing that makes you feel good and also, is not too hard or gross.  Do we have that right, Lauren LaurEN?

We feel like a baby sea turtle, desperately crawling away from Lauren LaurEN and Peter Brady as she declares that she hopes their relationship, like a sea turtle, will last 100 years.  And then this happens:

Peter Brady:  “You’re so sweet, and sensitive, and smart!”
Lauren LaurEN:  I’m glad you are saying those things, because that’s what I think of YOU!”

Though the Vomits are not part of this Author’s Plague, we vomit nonetheless.   

Somehow, they end up in the water.  We are fascinated by Lauren LaurEN’s swimsuit, which has at least 20 more strings on the sides than Caila’s.   Basically, it would be a Playdo Fun Factory Hair Salon Situation if this Author wore Lauren LaurEN’s swimsuit.  Or a cheese grater.  Or an apple de-corer World of No.

ANYWAY, soon we are done in the water, and Peter Brady has taken Lauren LaurEN to eat at “Miss T’s” where a man gently sings reggae (“I am in love with you laaaaayydayyy.”).  Lauren LaurEN looks at Peter Brady in a knowing way, but we are no longer listening because she is wearing a salmon body stocking, sliced through the middle in a brief homage to a top and bottoms.   We do not understand how anyone could eat in this outfit. 

Lauren LaurEN confesses that she is scared because she is “very invested” in Peter Brady and fishes for how he is feeling.  He wants to “know her fears, and what I’ve done wrong” he says.  Oh, nothing!  Lo, for she is “legit, the man of my dreams.”   As they whisk off to the fantasy suit, Lauren LaurEN confesses, again, that he is the “man of my dreams.” Peter Brady “makes me feel a way I didn’t even know I could feel.”  And that she loves him.  And then this happens:

Peter Brady:  “I love you too.”

HOLY.  SHITBALLS.

 And then he says it again.  Lauren LaurEN is all aglow: “I didn’t think someone like you existed.”  And then he keeps telling her he loves her and THIS IS TERRIBLE shut up shut up shut up.

In the morning, they vow to be unfiltered in their feelings going forward (GOING FORWARD???) and, just in case Peter Brady could not make more of a mess of things, he tells her he loves her again.

And then later:  “Telling Lauren LaurEN that I love her. . . . complicates things.”  Really?  REALLY?

We are feeling pretty bad for Jo Jo as we go into Date #3.  We know that you will all be surprised because this is Totally New and Unexpected Information, but Jo Jo is wearing this:

Yes, those are Caila’s shorts.

Peter Brady takes Jo Jo to a waterfall, which she declares is “the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, like, ever!” and she puts on some more lace and string so they can go swimming.  And jump off a rock.  And then kiss on said rock.  Jo Jo confesses to Peter Brady that she loves him, and he says ‘JO JO, I LOVE YOU TOO. I DO.”

Peter Brady, you suck.

Now we become worried for multiple reasons. Aside from the obvious, Jo Jo begins talking to the camera about how she needs to feel “safe” and have words of affirmation, and how he has given her those words and feeling.   While Mr. Obvious tries to justify what he has just done:  “I don’t know how you can be in love with two women, but I am.”

We are quite possibly heading towards a sister wives situation. 

 At dinner, we are impressed that Jo Jo is actually wearing a sundress that seems to have more cloth than any of the prior womens’ outfits on this episode if they were sewn together into a quilt.  As he greets Jo Jo like nothing whatsoever is about to hit the fan, Peter Brady confesses to All of Us that he is “in a state of shock” for telling two women he loves them.   Jo Jo, for her part, confesses that he has “exceeded all of my expectations” and again, makes her feel “safe”.

We feel bad for Jo Jo because, you know, things have happened in a woman’s life for her to repeatedly articulate that the most important thing she feel with a partner is safe.   But we also start to get worried every time she repeats that she needs “words of affirmation.”

Blah blah they talk about her brothers being awful but not wanting their baby sister’s heart broken, and then this Viewer’s web television freezes and also, entire computer screen.  But that’s ok because this is probably what happens:  He tells her he loves her, they go to the fantasy suite, and then someone turns a light off, implying The Hanky is occurring.

In the morning, Peter Brady and Jo Jo sit in bed together and talk about how “cute” the other is.
You are. 
No YOU are.

He says it was one of the best nights of his life.

The next day is apparently supposed to be with everyone by themselves.  But Caila has the excellent idea to find Peter Brady and tell him everything that she feels.  We cannot possibly imagine what producer could have put THAT idea in her head.

As Caila trips over to Peter Brady and surprises him sitting awkwardly in a chair, we start to feel the highly produced nature of this show.  Basically, Peter Brady acts surprised, and then takes Caila to a random stone staircase and gives her the big Dump:  “I can’t say I love you back.”

And then Caila, for all her youth and annoyingness, becomes Our Home Girl.  She is crying as Peter Brady walks her to the car and tells her he’s “really going to miss her,” (because REALLY?), and she is crying as she gets into the car.  And then she gets OUT OF THE CAR and is like “wait a minute, I need some answers and this is probably my only opportunity.”  So she starts asking Peter Brady about when he knew this was going to be the outcome (simultaneously saying “actually, maybe I DON”T really need to know this because it might not help” which is exactly what this Author would probably do/realize in this situation).

Basically, Caila gets her answer and then cries in the car over her heartbreak, and the fact that she was genuinely ready to be with Peter Brady and make a life of it.

“I hope I didn’t make a mistake,” says he.

We don’t think he did, and we are certainly happy for Caila that she can have a few more years to grow the brave lady we just saw at the end.  But before we have time to think about it, we get to the rose ceremony.  And once again, the production is too forced:  Both Jo Jo and Lauren LaurEN approach Chris Harrison and volunteer identical stories about how Peter Brady said he loved them, and then they pick their way down the stairs to receive roses.

“Here’s to falling in love,” toasts someone afterwards, as both Caila and Jo Jo wonder if Peter Brady has said he loves the other one, too.

This is not going to end well.

So babies, next week this Author will be Europe.  But fortunately, it is just the Women Tell All, which will likely be awful and terrible.  We may/may not blog if we are permitted to watch the American ABCs in the Europe.  But the entire BNU will be back for the finale, in two weeks.

Larvea,

KLo