Peter Brady Part 2: Because Science!!

Babies, ABe had The Vomits this week but still came to See Us for Peter Brady Part 2.  That is commitment.  But soon, we are both having The Vomits because everyone is saying Peter Brady is “The Greatest Man.”  And also the “Greatest in the Planet of History.” (this from one of The Twins).  Jo Jo the Bartender That We Like In Spite Of Ourselves says he checks off every list.

We are unconvinced, until we see Peter Brady put on a pair of pants. “OMG go back can we go back?” says ABe.  We rewind.  This somehow makes it easier to hear Lace: “The first night I was a little too drunk, too emotional.  I’m not crazy.  That isn’t me.”  We don’t care what she is because she is wearing a sleeveless jeans jacket Which We Hate.  And also drinking a mimosa, which can only lead to Bad Things.

So date card #1 comes for some people we don’t recognize:   Jacki, L.B., Lauren H., Hemingway, Vaguely Black Amber, Mandi, Jo Jo, Jubilee (Praise jesus!), Jennifer, and . . .Lace.  “Let’s learn about love.” 

Lace has her priorities straight:  “If I could make out with Ben on the date that would be perfect.”   We cannot look away from her heavily contoured cheek makeup, which looks like A Sideburn drunkenly listing across her face.   More interesting is kindergarten teacher Lauren (Lauren H?), whom we shall call The Dern for her likeness to Laura Dern.  She displays a “this is fun I love hanging out with the girls!” vibe that we Do Not Trust but mainly because we Trust No One.

They are going to “Back to Bachelor High.”  A high school.  Like, from where they all just graduated.  

 “High school is where I have some of the best memories,” declares Peter Brady.  This is likely because he has not yet acquired any other memories.  Chris Harrison, angling for more screen time this season, introduces the theme of the date.  The women will be going to four different classes in high school, and working in teams of two.  All but the last team in each “class” will pass on to the next class, and in the end, someone will be crowned homecoming queen.  

We are only half listening because Mandi’s pants have us in Thrall.  “What the hell is she wearing,” says ABe, only to be repeated by KMu when she comes around the corner.  Gentle Readers, this Author just returned from Mexico, where Beach Pants have Made a Come Back.   On one level, we understand the desire not to have ones chicken cutlets rub together when walking.  On the other hand, they are Not Pants Just Because They Reach Your Ankles, a position that was reaffirmed in the indoor mall of Cabo San Lucas where we saw some woman in Lace Pants with Underpants Underneath.  Leg Doilies are a World Of No. Anyway, Mandi’s pants are like the patterned, high waisted version of Beach Pants and We Hate Them (All of Us).

As ABe suggests that we Write a Book about What Are Not Pants, we turn to the first station in this challenge: Science Fair.  They all must “make Ben’s volcano explode” to complete this challenge.  We look with interest for the baking soda and THEN we realize the ingredients are labeled things like “Commitment,” “Love,” and “Communication.”  Ohhhh.   So by “science” they mean “not science.”   And also, Lace and Jubilee, who are paired together, still are unable to complete the task.  “I don’t think she can read,” Says Jubilee of Lace.  The pair are eliminated.

We are overwhelmed with layers of sadness at this moment:  For the lack of Science.  For the Inability to Read.  And also, for the fact that every time a volcano erupts, it looks like a slow motion youtube video of a cyst being popped.  We explain this to KMU, who starts screaming.

But wait:  there’s more!  For the next “class,” the women must take an apple out of a fish tank and put it on a school lunch tray Without Their Hands!!!”  THIS IS A CLASS, babies. A CLASS. 

Someone with a little mouth loses at this point.  When we were in high school, we had a frenemy that declared her mouth to be so petite that she could not consume an entire orange slice in one bite.   We never believed her because she was Not A Guppy but whatever.

The third station only depresses us further.  The women must pick out a magnet in the shape of Indiana AND successfully place it on a map of the United States.  Babies, no one gets this.  NO. ONE. Including The Dern, teacher of America’s children.   The worst is the pair of Hemingway and Partner, who turn Indiana sideways and put it vaguely in the location of Pennsylvania.   Everyone has the good sense to be ashamed at their performance here except Peter Brady, who fails to just eliminate the entire group of women on the spot.

And last we come to station #4:  A free throw contest because who needs education when you have sports?!?  Crazy Pants Mandi and Vaguely Black Amber win, and so they must run hurdles against each other to determine who gets to be homecoming queen.  Really?  In the end, Crazy Pants Mandi wins, which apparently means that she gets to slowly drive around the track in a convertible car with Peter Brady while the other women get “a little emotional wishing it was me.” (from Lace).

So we reach the cocktail portion of this date, and Lace is berating herself:  “Today I was a loser and the night before I was emotional,” but “I’m not crazy.”  We are more interested by Hemingway, who is shooting baskets with Peter Brady.

This Author: “Has there ever been someone who went all the way to the final 2 and then showed up again in the next season?”
ABe:  “Evil Nick.”

Gah!  Evil Nick! We look around for him and his infinity scarf.  

So blah blah, Peter Brady takes time with Jennifer the Small Business Owner and they kiss.  This causes Lace to become frantic, and she is worried that he got a “different Lace” than the Lace she “wanted to show.” And also, “I’m not crazy.”  Somehow  Lace’s efforts to Control the Narrative ends up with Lace and Peter Brady gripping hands tightly as Peter Brady whispers that she is beautiful and, in Lace’s mind, “making, like, eye contact galore.  We were practically eye f-ing.”  This Viewer is pretty sure that is only one youtube video away from cysts being exploded in slow motion.

The most interesting part of this date is Jubilee, who we learn was in an orphanage until age 6, at which point she was adopted, and then in the military for four years.  “Jubilee is a badass,” says ABe, “I hope she’s not crazy.”  And then all is forgotten because Peter Brady is leaning in for a kiss and IT IS HAPPENING AND WE CANNOT BELIEVE IT.

ABe:  “Is this the first time a bachelor has kissed a black woman?  Like, a REAL kiss?!?  IT IS.  HISTORY IS BEING MADE PEOPLE.”

This Author thinks the last one was on Season Alex something or other, way back in The Stone Age.

But we must leave this momentous scene for Lace, who again tells us: “I’m not crazy.  I swear I’m not crazy.”  And then to Peter Brady when she steals him away from Jo Jo:  “I’m not crazy but I just need one more minute.”

“Everybody Drink,” says KMu.

In the end, it works out for Jo Jo, who suddenly looks like Isla Fisher but has a voice like ripping paper.  Peter Brady sweeps her onto the roof of the building, where she declares that she has “never been this high in my life” as she clings to Peter Brady.  And then, “I’ve never in my entire life felt this happy before.”
ABe:  “Ok, well that’s too bad.”
KMu: “Do you guys like Peter Brady’s dressy coat with the arm patches?”
This Author:  “I LOVE AN ARM PATCH.”
KMu:  “Sadly, I know you do.”

So La Isla Bonita gets the rose.

Jubilee is disappointed, for she Opened Up and Was Not Rewarded. 
Lace is a little scarier:  “I am very confident I can turn this around. . . . I will not lose.”

While all of this is happening, date card #2 comes to the house.  Olivia unhinges her jaw at this news.

  

“I am the frontrunner, it has to be for me!” says she.

But (spoiler alert):  the card is for Caila, the software sales rep.  “Come join me for a day of surprises.”

ABe:  “If I could write a book for future bachelorettes, I would say ‘don’t call yourself a front runner.‘”

So this date is pretty horrible.  ABC has decided that it must demonstrate Diversity but is not going down Without A Fight.  Therefore, ABC has featured two black stars on the show (Ice Cube and Kevin Hart) because that way they don’t actually have to have A Black Contestant (Jubilee excepted).   Worse still, the Ice Cube and Kevin Hart are supposed to be the “black comedic relief” because let’s just play up the sitcom stereotypes while we are at it.

So they drive around LA with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube in the car, while Kevin Hart thinks it will be “funny” for Peter Brady to pretend he is super cheap, while Ice Cube is vaguely horrified at it all. 

This is the best part:
Ice Cube:  “What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for a woman?”
Ice Cube:  “I married one.”
Kevin Hart:  “I made her fried chicken in a crockpot.”

We have no words. 

This portion date ends awkwardly, with Kevin Hart naked in a hot tub under the glare of florescent lights at some random hot tub store in LA while Peter Brady and Caila look on.  We are soon at dinner, blessedly without Kevin Hart and Ice Cube, where Caila pours out her story of meeting her last boyfriend on a plane and then running into him again on the street two weeks later.  They dated for a whole year, Gentle Readers, but her heart never caught up.

What is Caila looking for in a man, babies?  Well considering that she is “a dreamer,” she wants someone that can “compliment” her.   

KMu:  “I keep trying not to apply youth to this, but. . . .”
This Viewer thinks about her life and decides not to tell KMu that we had a RAT TAIL in college which we had completely blocked from our memory.  And so, we cannot be Too Harsh.

Meanwhile, Caila is telling us that despite dating a year, they broke up because she kept waiting for her “heart to catch up to the story” of them meeting, which never happened.

KMu:  “It took you a YEAR?”
This Author:  “Hey, I dated a man with a free range ferret for 6 months.”
KMu: “Dude, you also dated a man without furniture. And that was the least weird thing about him.”
ABe:  *falls off the sofa.*

 Blah blah they go into a theater that reads “Ben N Caila” and there is Amos Lee crooning in his magic voice and we both love him and cannot believe he is on this show.  Oh Amos Lee make it all go away.  

Caila gets the rose on this date.

Soon it is the last group date, for Emily (the twin), Shushanna the Russian, Sam the lawyer, Olivia, Hayley (other twin), and Amanda.  We have already endured Amanda saying hello to her two babies in her own little tinkly baby voice, and we don’t think we can take much more of it.  “Are we a perfect match?” asks the date card.

This date is in a “Love lab.”  A man called “Dr. Love” and his team (the Special Sauce, no doubt), are going to be leading the group through some experiments to determine the womens’ compatibility to Peter Brady.

One of the twins says “I don’t know about science; I’m not very smart.”  Don’t worry, twin.  It’s not like you have to put Indiana on a map.

Dr. Love measures pheromones and makes the women run on a treadmill, after which he makes Peter Brady smell them.   Shushanna the Russian mathematician is worried she smells like cabbage.  

“The #1 thing between a relationship is chemistry,” she says.
“So now she’s speaking neither Russian nor English,” says KMu.

Olivia is “incredibly confident” about her relationship with Peter Brady.  She lectures that this study is “really valuable; to see if some of us are more fit for Peter Brady than others.” Of course she gets the highest score in the end, matching Peter Brady at 7.45/10 compatibility.  Poor Sam the lawyer is the least compatible, with a 2.42/10 because of course the lawyer is.  

Olivia gives a thumbs up and says “Winning!” and we hate her more.

We also hate her dress.

This Author:  What is going on with that dress?  With the hot pink and the lace?”
KMu: “You mean the one she stole from Barbie’s dream house?

In later 1:1 time, Olivia tells Peter Brady that she’s not surprised at their scores because she “feels it.”  Peter Brady, who is clearly drunk, declares “it’s uh. . . science.”  And they kiss and we hate her.

We are not comforted by the twins, one of which later interrogates Peter Brady:  “You seem like you go for the more outgoing personalities and that concerns me.”  What?  Nor are we comforted by Sam the Lawyer, who announces that if Peter Brady is “a big believer in science, then I would be a little worried.”  Considering that he is from middle Indiana there is a good chance he is a creationist, so. 

And then Amanda drives the last nail in the coffin with her baby voice.  Alvin and All of The 

Chipmunks are represented in this one, and our ears hurt.  But as she reveals to Peter Brady that she has children, he says, “Learning that she has kids, her face lit up.  Her eyes lit up.  She makes so much more sense now.”

This Author:  “KMu, you make so much more sense to me, now that you’ve had kids!”
KMu:  “You have correctly interpreted my impression.”

Anyway, Olivia gets the rose tonight.  NOOOOOO.  She’s all, “I’m 2 for 2.  I don’t even know what rose ceremonies are, really.  We can just end this now.”

Alvin and All of the Chipmunks start to cry.

At last we are at the rose ceremony. Olivia wants to “take Peter Brady to an undisclosed location and kiss his lips off.”

Lace is drinking because that will end well.   She tries to pull Olivia aside to “get to know her better” and Olivia’s evil genius encourages Lace to “go after what you want.”  So  Lace says about 1,000  more times that she is “not crazy” and then apologizes to Peter Brady again about being the “crazy lady.”  Peter Brady reveals that her behavior on night #1 was a “big turn off.”  And so she begins to ramble about how she was an awkward child who had these “bangs that went out like. . . “

The women in the peanut gallery are listening.

But Lace continues:  “I was like Roseanne Roseannadanna and I still have a big part of me that I am working on.”

This is so painful that we are thrilled when another woman breaks in to talk with Peter Brady.  Lace concerns us further, as she stumbles off crying: “I just ruined my chances with Ben.  Things would have been so perfect except for that Lace came out.  Like, the insecure Lace came out.”

After making barrettes with Alvin and The Chipmunks for her daughters and telling Lauren the flight attendant that he is attracted to her, Peter Brady makes his choices for the night.  Joining La Isla Bonita, Caila, and Olivia with roses are:

1. Alvin/Chipmunks
2. Jubilee
3. Lauren the flight attendant, in a napkin doily.
4. Leah, an event planner.
5. Hemingway.
6. Some person named Rachel that we don’t know.
7.  LACE WTF.
LB. . . but wait!  She asks to talk to Peter Brady in the corner, and eliminates herself!   So the rose goes to. . .. Jennifer (wait, or did she get cut?).
8.  Emily, one of the twins, in a terrible dress.
9. Jami the bartender.
10. The Dern.
11. Shushanna. 
12.  Hailey (the other twin).
13.  Vaguely Black Amber

Someone who may or may not be Jennifer, Mandi, and the lawyer bite the dust.  The lawyer’s dress is terrible, with some kind of white tube sock situation flanked with lace spandex going on.   She deserved to be cut for that dress (“but at least she passed the bar, so yay?” says KMu.).

Stay tuned for next week, when we suffer through more old cars, some kissing, and a hot tub in the desert.

-KLo