Tiny Dancer Part 6: In Which Bad Choices Are Made

Gentle readers, we settle in for Tiny Dancer Part 6 in the middle of tornadogeddon because, you know, what could be worse than the rainageddon of last week?  But never fear, for the satellite mostly cooperates this time.  And also, We Didn’t Die.  We are not sure that is a benefit because . . .

We are flung back to Ian Formerly The Hotness, whom we left last week demonstrating that buttholes can talk.  Babies, he wanted to meet the damaged “girl whose heart was broken by” McConaughey [and be her savior] instead of the “girl who wants her field plowed by” McConaughey [and whose sexuality makes him uncomfortable unless he is awakening it after it got stuck by a spindle and slept for 100 years].  He calls her shallow, and some other things.

Kaitlyn sucks in all her teeth and is actually so diplomatic in her Beginning Dump of Him that we almost forgive her dress, which is cut so low in the back it is nearly an Assless Chap.   But wait – in an attempt at mastery, Ian Formerly The Hotness Dumps Himself.  As he storms away in the limo, he tells us all that he’s “TOO deep a thinker; TOO self aware.”  And also, “an interesting guy.  A guy that has had a lot of different experiences.  The other guys are just losers.  I feel like I know what it takes to be the Bachelor.  You have to be Deep.  I am DESTINED to be the bachelor.  The women are going to be like ‘oh wow, he’s so deep.’”

And then:  “Oh man, I really need to have some sex.”

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have right there the hat trick of asshattery. 

KMu:  “Let’s talk about”
ABe:  “Sex, ba-by.”

We hate him, and are glad he’s gone.  Except, Evil Nick has swept in on Kaitlyn like the Creep Willing to “Be There For You” in Your Time of Vulnerability in case it leads to Items Under The Covers.  And it works.  As he tells her all about how fabulous she is and also, how Ian Formerly the Hotness was not There for the Right Reasons, she softens.  No, Kaitlyn, NO!!

But ABe doesn’t care:  “He is wearing Patches on the Elbows!!”
This Viewer:  “I LOVE PATCHES ON THE ELBOWS.  IT IS MY FAVORITE THING.”
KMu:  “Um, I side with your husband if he is refusing to wear that.”

It should also be noted that Evil Nick is wearing about 15 bead bracelets. 

As this evening draws to a close, Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris is stressed because if “she doesn’t know it’s me 100%, how on earth is this ever going to work out,” and we secretly think he has never watched this show.  He also hates Evil Nick with the Fire of a Thousand Suns.  We at the BNU appreciate his wisdom and his biceps, which are nice also.

Kaitlyn reveals why Ian Formerly the Hotness is now gone, and then the rose ceremony begins.  Randomly, it is at The Alamo.  We are both confused at the choice of location, which sort of looks like an abandoned school parking lot at night, and  panicking because we don’t know who got a rose last week.   At last we locate Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris, Other Ben (who looks a lot like Peter Brady), and Evil Nick with roses.   

Joining them for the next round will be:

1. Just Jared

2.  Chris the Vampire

3. JJ Motherpucker

4. Bart Simpson

5.  Ben the Personal Trainer

6.  Michael Scott

Flashdance and Justin the Personal Trainer go home.  We feel a little bad for Flashdance.  ABe feels worse:  “I love you!  I love you!” she cries from the sofa as Flashdance Exits Stage Right.

Just like that, we have left Texas and are now to the next stop on Kaitlyn’s Tour of Shame, also known as Dublin, Ireland.  Our closed captioning sums up Ireland as the following: [seabird calling] [woman vocalizing] [bleeting] [fiddle playing jig].  We sigh.

The men are thrilled to be “In Ireland.”  We are not convinced that they actually are, given that they just walked past some kind of leprechaun mascot waving to people on the street.  We wonder if this is being filmed in a back lot at Notre Dame.  Vampire Chris the Dentist is all, “Kaitlyn is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!”  and we sigh again.

So Kaitlyn shows up for her first date, and the back of her sweater looks like this:

All of us at the BNU gasp.   The men are fuming because this first date goes to Evil Nick.  “Looks like I just got lucky in Dublin!” he says with a maniacal gleam in his eye, as Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris twitches a pinky and we are suddenly Afraid For Our Lives.

And then this happens:

Kaitlyn:  “I wore a holey sweater so you could touch my back!”
Evil Nick : [grinding her up against the wall.  The door.  The bar]
ABe:  “I just threw up in my mouth.”
KMu:  “What HAPPENS to women around this guy?????”

We conclude that Evil Nick must have some kind of diabolical chemistry that is not translating across the television waves.  Because to us he just looks gross.

So Nick and Kaitlyn kiss their way through a park, where they temporarily Face Adversity in the form of Pigeons, and then to a clown act in the street, and then to random irish step dancers.  “I love Irish River Dancing” says someone.”   All we know is that Our Soul Sister, Anonymous Woman in the Crowd, has the exact same look on her face as this Viewer during the entire Evil Nick date:

And then it gets worse. 

Evil Nick and Kaitlyn get matching rings on the street, like creepy promise rings that, turns out, are a promise that they are going to keep for one Hot Second on this date.  As Nick shoves Kaitlyn up against a wall for yet more kissing/entrapment, he says:

Evil Nick:  “There is a a physical connection that is rock solid.” 
ABe:  “And I want to bone her, so. . .”
KMu:  “Fortunately there is a hole in her sweater for that.”

They find their way to a bar, where they talk in wonderment about how “seamless” their relationship has been.  He tells her that right now, where his heart is at, is [satellite interference].   The old man sitting quite close to Kaitlyn’s back during this entire scene looks extremely uncomfortable and pulls his hat down further.

This Viewer:  “That old guy is so uncomfortable.”
KMu:  “Well, the back of her sweater is to him.”  And then: “Way to defile a church.”

Yes, babies, because this is Ireland, we have suddenly transitioned from a bar to Christ Church Cathedral, where Evil Nick and Kaitlyn are not really getting to know each other over dinner because they have not stopped kissing long enough to do so.  Evil Nick says something about “Kaitlyn and I’s connection” and we hate  him for it.

And then, Ominous Foreshadowing Occurs:  Kaitlyn is wearing a GIANT BONE for a ring.

Oh!  She forgets that there are “cameras and people!” when Evil Nick is around.  He makes her feel like a “woman!” an *cough*hunted*cough* “desired” woman!”  Soon her legs are wrapped around him and she has invited him up to her hotel and we CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING as his hand is halfway up her shorts and the bedroom door is shutting and he is telling her lines as “I want to know every part of you” and and and then ABC focuses the camera on a giant dark sphere. 

KMu:  “Who chose this shot?
This Viewer:  “You mean the big black hole?”
ABe:  [cackling softly on the sofa]

 Now it is the next morning, and we realize our face has still been stuck like this for the last 20 minutes:

We relax our cheeks by drinking deeply Of The Wine.

Evil Nick is now departing Kaitlyn’s room, and Kaitlyn is suffering from a severe hangover as she mutters on her balcony about The Entirely New Information that McConaughey and Britt allegedly had sex on a date, and how this was probably a mistake and she really hopes that Evil Nick doesn’t tell all the other men because it could really screw things up for her.

Really?  REALLY KAITLYN?  You can take Your Lady Bits out for some exercise whenever you want, but we have no tolerance for your subsequent fear of losing out on other relationships because of it.   Meanwhile, Nick is working this date for all it was worth with the other men at the hotel:  “I got a rose . . . we went back to her hotel and had a lot of whiskey .. . it was intimate . . . very . . . personal.”

So now a date card comes for Michael Scott, Ben the Trainer, Peter Brady, Vampire Chris, and Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris.  Ooooo, this means that the 2:1 date (which we don’t get to see this episode) will be between Bart Simpson and JJ Motherpucker.

The card says something about noses and roses and “here lies our bachelorette.”  Yes, it is pretty much the worst date in bachelorette history:  Kaitlyn is going to pretend she is dead, and the men are going to go to an “Irish wake” where they have to toast her endearingly.  ABC has pretty much given up on ideas.

Kaitlyn is a terrible dead person, as she lies in a coffin “caked in makeup” observes ABe.  The men sing and/or talk, and Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend’s toast says something like “I would have taken my life too if I had to spend the entire day with Nick yesterday.”

“Well, that’s one way to get your anger out” says KMu.
“Each one of these guy’s speeches really nailed it,” says Kaitlyn.
“Like Nick nailed me last night,” finishes this Author.

After a moment of confusion where KMu stopped forwarding through the advertisements because she saw a man in a track suit and we all assumed  it was one of the bachelors, we conclude this date at the Guinness Museum.   This author gets excited because we were there!  And also, we were very popular because we don’t like Guinness and so gave away our free Guinness half pint tickets. 

Suddenly, we are on 1:1 time with Ben Z and [satellite interference.  TORNADO WARNING.  Satellite interference].  Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris endears himself to all of us by showing sweet pictures of his niecelets and nephlets, and talking about his family.  He feels “confident that he will get” the rose on this date.  

We barely have time to whisper “uh oh” before Just Jared is awarded the date rose.   They continue into another cathedral to dance to the Cranberries, who are her favorite band.  “I’m such a fool fer you. You got me wrapped around your fingerrrrrrr.  Do you have to let it linger….” We all sing because we are momentarily swept back to college.

Calvin melts down.  He tells the men that he “loves the girl,” which makes this all extremely hard.  And then he wanders off to talk to a random staff person who, unlike every other staff person we have seen (all of whom look like they come from Middle Earth), looks like a golf pro.   As Golf Pro listens patiently, Calvin pours his heart out:    “I love the girl.  She came to my room and we stayed up for 6-7 hours and we stayed up all night.  She said “you’re it.  You’re the one.” 

THIS IS ENTIRELY NEW INFORMATION.

But he “can’t handle” this anymore.  He doesn’t want to go to the fantasy suite and then have her “bang two other dudes.”  Trust is a big issue for him, because his parents went through a “terrible divorce.” We simultaneously feel awful for Calvin Harris, and also, a little uncertain about how this is going to go.

But instead, we must all stay tuned for next week, when All Is Revealed that Evil Nick slept with Kaitlyn.

As the credits roll, we see Britt introducing Vaguely Dirty Brady to her mother, who tells Britt that he is “sweet” and that “you have a great new friend.”  Ha ha ha.

Have a good week, babies.