Tiny Dancer Part 2: In Which A Turd is Revealed

So Kaitlyn wakes up, like we do, “in my size 2 tank top and amazing hair,” supplies KMu. “And with Chris Harrison walking through the French doors of my bedroom to say good morning,” adds ABe.  This is just an ordinary morning for the Tiny Dancer, not dissimilar to the mornings of the BNU staff.   We soon know that Kaitlyn is ready for the day because she is wearing A Heavy Fringe.

This Author once had the fortune to sit between two women at a Work Event discussing their, um, work.  Gentle readers, we did not know that eyelash extensions were “a thing,” or that so many people in the professional community actually have them (as our sister SHa later informed us).  For the uninformed, eyelash extension are like the Lee Press On nails of the eyeball, each individually GLUED to each individual eyelash and They Can Be Yours for six weeks for the low low price of $250.  WE DID NOT KNOW THIS EXISTED.  But unlike The Eyebrow Wax and Elastic Waistbands, we do not anticipate them revolutionizing our life.

Meanwhile, ABC is still making us watch the Britt storyline.  We find her where we left off last week, crying cross-legged on the bed in converse sneakers, leggings as pants (RAGE), a camo top, and friendship bracelets.
“Are you there God?  It’s me, Britt.”  Whispers KMu.

Britt calls her mom and cries about how she “didn’t get to say goodbye to anyone” and “can’t process the fact that I’m going home” because she has never watched this show.  And there is knock on her door.

We see Nashville Brody. And he is wearing, in no particular order, the wide-necked t-shirt being sold at Talbots this season (in black), black tights, and black shoes.  “He looks like he is going to a modern dance class” says KMu, as ABe falls off the sofa.  For the record, he also looks like the amazing man we recently saw managing traffic at the Frank Lloyd Wright walking tour, wearing jeggings and penny loafers without socks.  Except that man was clean.

This is going nowhere good.

Back at the house, date card #1 has come for Daniel the Fashion Designer, Justin the athletic trainer, Just Jared, a Cory/Corey, Michael Scott, Ben the athletic trainer, and Other Ben. We also think John Legend may be on this date?  “I see this ending with a ring,” it says.

This date is horrible, except for Laila Ali.    They all meet at a gym, where she teaches them how to box. Kaitlyn is running around in pink boxing gloves, someone breaks the window with a jumping rope, and everyone talks to Kaitlyn except LL Cool J – who is more interested in boxing and Laila Ali.  Soon All Our Nightmares Are Revealed when we must sit through a boxing match in which the men are matched with no regard to their weight.  ABe watches in terror because she actually boxes Like. A. Boss.   

The rest of the BNU be like:

“Wait, those are corn rows!” says ABe, tearing her eyes from the crime scene happening in the ring.

“Yeah but she’s white. Did you notice that?” says KMu.

Dear white women and teenage girls on vacation in the Florida Keys: Unless you are Bo Derrick in the 70s, please don’t do this.  Ever.

We are a little surprised that Just Jared makes it to the final round, where Ben the Athletic Trainer – who is like five inches and 30 lbs heavier – sends him to the hospital.   As a reward, Ben gets the first 1:1 time with Kaitlyn, who is wearing the most symmetrical pants suit ever:

It is like tiny pants for the ribs, doing a hand stand on top of regular pants.  With nothing in between.

So we learn that Ben the Trainer likes to cook, and by “cook” he means BBQ and tailgates.   Because “Food has such a big connection to me.”

“I love food too!” says Kaitlyn.

“I eat food also!!!” says ABe.

“I could eat all day!!!” says KMu.

This author is too busy actually eating to respond.  

So Ben tells us that he lost his mom to cancer at 14, and ABe wants to know, “so we’re at that part of the show already?”  But Kaitlyn is touched.  Also in this Stories of Adversity We Have Overcome section of the show, Justin the trainer tells her that he has a son named “Aurelius.”  Thank god for Abstinence/Ignorance Only education, which likely will prevent that child from being called “Areola” for the next 20 years. 

Some waiter shows up with a card for Kaitlyn in the middle of Justin’s time with her.  We once again proclaim loudly that we wish we were on this show, if only in a supporting role.  “KLo, if you were ever a contestant on this show, all of your notes would be from me and ABe,” says KMu.  Which. Would. Be. Awesome.   At any rate, the note apparently said something like “I need to see you right now outside.”  Surprise, it is from Just Jared, who is on his way home from the hospital.  They kiss dramatically in a dark corner.

“MY head may hurt, but my heart has never felt better,” says he.

“And my PENIS…” says KMu.

But too bad for Just Jared, because Ben the Trainer gets the rose on this date.

Next up:  the 1:1 date.  Which some person named Clint gets.  “You take my breath away,” says the card.   You know, we all like this guy because he (a) is gainfully employed and (b) drew a picture of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops, which is weirdly specific even if it reminds us uncomfortably of Season Trista, who fell in love with the dude that drew a white tiger for her.

Clint takes a step back, however, when we discover that he is wearing Mauve Shorts of Rage to this date.  We also don’t quite know how he is going to do with the activity planned for the day:  an underwater photo shoot.  “Everyone is doing it now for their engagement photos!” says Kaitlyn.

What?

“Oh yes,” says KMu.  “Let me get my engagement photos out for you. They are stored with my underwater wedding photos.  Which I followed by two water births.”

We have to laugh when Clint worries that he’s going to look like one of those photos of the dogs underwater.   Which of course he does not.  In fact, he is weirdly attractive in a male model-y way through this entire shoot.  It almost makes up for the shower curtain on Kaitlyn’s dress:

We don’t end up seeing much of Clint talking on this date, but for some reason we like him by the end (ok, maybe that’s the reason).  He gets the rose.  They kiss and it is not gross.

But back at the ranch, the Healer is struggling.  Something about love being “about possibilities, ideas, dreams.  Perennial like the grass.”  He wants to know if he and Kaitlyn can “begin the process of togetherness.”  He is just exhausting.

Date card #3 comes, and the Healer is desperate to be on it.  “I’m looking for a man who can stand up for me,” says the card.  . . . And the Healer is one of the guys going.  But so is JJ the MotherPucker, who we all now think is terrible (All Of Us).  JJ hopes the Healer goes home because he needs more room in the closet.   Also on this date:  the Dentist, Flashdance, Bart Simpson, Ian of the Hotness, and someone else.

So this date takes place at a comedy club “Amateur Night,” which is only ok because AMY SCHUMER, our spirit animal, is running the show.  Amy loves the Bachelor because “you sit at home and judge everybody and be like, ‘I’m fine!’”  We raise our glass to you, Amy, without shame.

Amy also confesses:  “I love Kaitlyn.  She is awesome.  She is like, someone that I could be friends with, and like, I want to spend the rest of my life with.”  But ABe wants to spend the rest of her life with Flashdance.  As he walks into the comedy club, ABe says, for All Of Us, “Holy Crap, he is cute.”

 The men tell the (terrible) jokes that they know.  Amy does triage by bringing in in three female comedians to help them, and we all know this is not going to go well. 

“Does funny stuff happen when you weld?” asks one comedienne to Flashdance.
“Not really,” says he.
“He’s so cute,” says ABe.   

But then the following happens:

JJ MotherPucker:  “When I meet a woman, I just tell them hi, I’m divorced. I have  kid, and I live with my parents.”
Amy:  “Is that true?”
JJ MotherPpucker:  “yes.”
Amy: [starts drinking].
JJ:  “Sometimes I feel like I’m too smart for like, 90% of the audience.”
Amy:  I hope it does comfort you to know you are not actually smarter than other people.”

Amy to the camera:  “JJ’s a sweetheart.  He’s missing like, humility, charisma, and a sense of humor.  But other than that, you should hire him as the next bachelor. . . . Maybe he needs to reflect on himself and not be such a turd.”

The comedy section of this date is so terrible that we actually are not shown much of any of it.   Except Flashdance, who talks about things he can do with his tongue, making ABe pass out.  And Bart Simpson, with the only true point of the evening: “I am from Kentucky and if you can’t tell that from my accent you are f*ing deaf.”  Otherwise, it is a pile of terrible, capped with ramblings by Tony the Healer on top:  “I have been training for this my whole life.  I’m very serious, sensitive, just happy to explore the lighter side off me.”

This Author once almost dated someone like Tony the Healer, as We All Have (You Know Who You Are, Gentle Readers).  He tried very hard, and even wrote us poetry in two languages, but we just. Could not.  We ran into him a few years later at a bonfire, where he talked about living with monks and traveling the world in search of himself and expected us to be charmed.  We were grateful for our liberal arts education in that moment and also, our time at Arts School.

Kaitlyn thinks this is the best date she’s ever had.

“If I got to hang out with Amy Schumer, that would also be the best date I’ve ever had,” says KMu.

JJ MotherPucker gets the rose on this date, which is just horrible.   And then he kisses her and we all start screaming.  “It looks like he’s trying to give her face a fish pedicure,” says BMa over text, in solidarity with Our Trauma.

At last it is the rose ceremony.  Our Tiny Dancer is wearing a cut-out dress, and already JJ is stealing her away, despite having a rose, before saying that he will now “allow her to talk to the others.”  We hate him with the fire of a thousand suns.  It is just unfortunate that Kaitlyn’s next stop is the Healer:  “I want to pay attention to the signs the universe presents.  I was attracted to Britt because she wears her heart on her sleeve, but you are a combination lock, instead of a key turn.”  WTF.

And then Flashdance saves the day by virtue of his sheer beauty.

“I love that he’s a welder!” says ABe.
“Ok, that’s five,” says KMu.
“I am blushing,” admits ABe from behind a blanket.

Soon WE are blushing because Ian the Hotness is talking about his life, including how he healed from his horrific accident by putting his mind to it AND THEN HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS “and now I’m putting my mind to this,” AND WE ALL SWOON.

We just need to savor the moment because the rest of this episode goes off the rails. LL Cool J tries to indict the show for racism, while being on the show, which is awkward at best to do.  But it is worse for him, because he does it by essentially questioning Kaitlyn as to whether she is just keeping him around to fulfill a quota, since they don’t have a connection.  [Imagine this goes on for like 5 minutes].

And Kaitlyn shuts him down:  She talks about what she liked about him, what she recalls about their past conversations, and why she felt like she had a connection with him UNTIL THIS VERY MOMENT.  And also, how he made zero effort during the group date to get to know her.

Kaitlyn dismisses LL Cool J to think about what he has said.  And so he wanders off to loudly tell the men about her conversation with him [Imagine this goes on for another 5 minutes].  Which she then interrupts, and sends him packing. 

Kaitlyn, FOR THE WIN.

Except LL Cool J informs Kaitlyn that he doesn’t want to leave:  “I don’t want to go home.  I think you’re hot. And sexy.  And pretty.”

Kaitlyn:  “But I’m more than that.” 

AND SHE SENDS HIM HOME AGAIN.

As we fade to black on this episode-- still not knowing who she picked at the rose ceremony --  LL Cool J is outside screaming at the show staff, and Kaitlyn is saying “If he touches….” as she hauls it for the door.   Oooo.

But we are not done. As the credits roll, we learn that Nashville Brody and Britt have been seeing each other for ‘a little over a week.”  They are also still wearing the same clothes, or versions of them.  He carries her on his back, she is “happy” that he is “silly.”   And in the end, he tells her:

“I’m wondering if you will be my girl?”

She says yes, and it is almost as if we can see the wheels turning:  “I only must date this vaguely dirty man until the After the Final Rose is aired, and then our break up can be featured in the tabloids for a few more months of fame.”   

Gentle readers, even for all the soap in the world, this Viewer could not.

-KLo.