McConaughey Part 4: The Four Sacred Questions of Perspective

Babies, it has been a long week.  We are not ready for McConaughey Part 4 even as Chris Harrison announces that there will be 2 group dates, 1 individual date, and … McConaughey’s three sisters will be selecting the woman for the 1:1 date.  Oooo.   He leaves them with date card #1 “Let’s do what feels natural.”  We steal some of ABe’s sushi so that we can Eat Our Feelings.

This particular date is for No Child Left Behind, Misty, Crazy Eyes, Juelia/Julia, Fran Kardashian, Kelsey, 1994, and the Alleged Samantha, a woman that has gotten zero air time to date.   Babies, a metric ton of chemicals were used in the making of this scene (or minerals, or nutrients, or whatever).  Lo, for no sooner than the date card has arrived, that the shellacking of the faces and the spraying of the hair begins.  It is like the girls’ gym locker room circa age 13, only minus all the swearing.  We don’t know whether we are more freaked out by that particular memory or by Kelsey, who says “I’m the only natural one here!” and then cackles like a witch.

Suddenly, “Is Fran Kardashian putting on A WEAVE?” demands ABe.  “You totally can’t see it,” reassures 1994. 

And now this viewer is having a seizure because the women are driving to the lake, also known as 1994’s “favorite place in the world.”  And first Fran Kardashian is wearing an American flag bikini, and then she is wearing a child-size black tank top tucked up underneath said flags, and then she gets out of the car and we see that SHE IS WEARING THIS:

“Is that a V-neck for her va-J?” asks KMu. 

Babies, there are jean shorts involved.  And no zipper.  This Viewer has worn a fair number of womens’ pants over the years, but we have no memory of them being capable of unzipping down to the inseam.  AND ALSO, Fran Kardashian is just…. Skin… down to the inseam.  We at the BNU are traumatized. “AND she has a weave,” reminds ABe.  

They all jump into the lake and we secretly wish we could see the oil spill emanating out from their young bodies.  McConaughey is delighted to see how they behave in a “normal” setting, and Fran Kardashian wants to be “be herself so bad” that she takes her top off.  Unsurprisingly, Misty takes off her bottoms.  We are liking Kelsey less and less, but she makes a valid point when she says, for All Of Us, “this is a date for bimbos.”

The women pretend to have fun playing Red Rover in bikinis, and once again, Kelsey the Oracle speaks for all of us:  “We are in the middle of nowhere in very muddy water.  I am from Michigan, and if you want to see nice lakes, go there.  My face is getting skinnier from fake smiling.”  And then she gets stung by a bee.

 Soon, they are putting up tents because surprise! They are spending the night! Fran Kardashian is continuing her virgin monologues:  “I’m a camping virgin, and also, a virgin camping.”  Sigh.  We understand she wants to get to page 345 of the romance she has told herself, A Prince for Frannie, in which, on a moonlit and muddy lagoon, Our Hero discovers that he Must Have Her, they do it in the bushes, and he marries her the next day.  However, it must be so exhausting to live continuously in a state of availability.   

Sadly, Frannie will have to wait a little longer, as McConaughey is grilling steak kebabs.  This Viewer vomits a little because steak and green peppers have never gone well together in our world, we don’t care what anyone says.

In 1:1 times that follow, Misty advises McConaughey that she feels like they are on a “good level” because with them, “we don’t ever jump into anything too deep.”  McConaughey tells her he is a touchy-feely guy, and she says that buying things don’t make her happy.  What?

At the fire, the other women are doing tequila shots.  Fran Kardashian is re-applying makeup.  Crazy Eyes starts hiccupping and chanting.  1994 asks, “Do you believe in aliens?  Because this would be a perfect area to abduct me and probe me.”  No words. 

And then this happens:

Crazy Eyes to McConaughey: “What are you? What are you?”

The chocolate falls from this Viewer’s lips as we realize that we speak the language of Crazy Eyes.  Lo, for this Viewer speaks in short hand periodically (to the surprise of No One), which may or may not involve such things as “What are you? What are you?” (ie, “what are you doing”) or “when are you? When are you?” (ie, “when are you getting here/there”).   And while it may be unsurprising that we have found our verbal twinnie on The Bachelor, we are a little dismayed that it is Crazy Eyes, who then proceeds to freak McConaughey out by a declaration of love while “circus music” plays, concludes KMu.

Blah Blah Misty gets the rose on this date, and announces that she is drunk in her acceptance speech.  But the horrors are not over because Fran Kardashian has decided to sneak into McConaughey’s tent and talk about her virginity in conceptual terms:  “I’ve never had a boyfriend before….I’m freaking inexperienced in every possible way.”  This Viewer just wants to take Fran Kardashian into the corner, peel her eyelashes off, wash her face, and give her some pants.  But McConaughey is neither picking up on the message or the miserable little girl behind it because she woke him out of a dead sleep. 

Unfortunately, Fran Kardashian leaves the tent satisfied that he has understood enough to “kind of probe at that area later on.” ABe falls off the sofa.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Britney, Bitch is snoring poolside with a black box over her tuckus when McConaughey’s three sisters come to visit:  Lori, Jackie, and Lisa.   We like the sisters, one of whom came from Ireland to interview the women and decide who will get the 1:1 date.   But then we imagine our sisters selecting a date for us and get nervous.

Soon the Crow is explaining that she is from Kentucky but lives in Chicago where she is A FERTILITY NURSE (ghahahah), Britt is blathering on about how she feels she is a “front runner,” and Carly is crying about how she has never had a guy be “very nice to her” (“This show is not therapy,” mutters ABe from stage left).  Suddenly, we are impressed by Jade, who is actually from a small town in Nebraska even though she has lived in LA for the last 2 years.  And she just launched her own makeup company.  And also, seems kind of normal, albeit a little shy.

 Eventually, the sisters leave and a date card arrives… for Jade!!  “Your presence is requested at our royal ball tomorrow evening from 8 am until Midnight…’

“Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo” sings KMu. 

Both Britt and Fran Kardashian are super jealous.  Fran Kardashian is also furious because “Whenever someone asks me to describe myself, I call myself a hopeless romantic Disney princess. NO ONE would appreciate this date more than me.”  - a line which she delivers in zero pants on a 

leather sofa.  

We drink through the extended feature whereby some lady with pink hair helps Jade pick out a dress, gifts Jade with Neil Lane earrings that she gets to keep and glass slippers, and forces her to watch a clip of the new Cinderella film coming to a theater near you.   As Jade floats out to the car, we see McConaughey practicing his dance steps and Fran Kardashian throwing a hissy because SHE wanted the princess date (in case we missed that memo).

In sum, we like Jade.  She tells McConaughey she was engaged once before, and that living in LA can be hard because it’s not easy to make friends, and she generally seems to have some common sense.  McConaughey appears to be a bit star struck, and we can only be thankful that he is not seeing Fran Kardashian in this moment, who has dressed up in the special dress she purchased for what the “princess date” she assumed she would be going on, and is now eating corn on the cob alone. 

We go back to the Jade-McConaughey date, where McConaughey is concluding that Jade is a “cute, perfect girl from the Midwest.”  We are having a hard time paying attention because there is a forlorn looking rose sitting beside some creepy ice sculptured piece of a leg and glass slipper.  

Did you see that impotent rose?” asks ABe.

Oh, I thought you meant Fran Kardashian “ says KMu.

Jade eventually gets the rose, and then she and McConaughey go dance the waltz on a pedestal in front of a live mini-orchestra and a big screen television playing yet more scenes from the new Cinderella movie.  Jade then runs down the stairs as the clock strikes midnight.

“I felt like we were in a fairy tale,” McConaughey says.  “Hopefully Jade and I’s fairy tale becomes a reality.”

“I share in that realty, so long as the fairy tale becomes grammar lessons.” Says KMu, for All of Us.

At last, date card #3 comes for some person named Nikki; Britney, Bitch; the Crow, Carly, Britt, Julie/Juelia, and Hemingway.  “Let’s get dirty,” it says.  The card also came with a bunch of wedding dresses, but we are more interested in the rayon floral romper that Carly stole from this Viewer’s closet circa 1992. 

Babies, because this is so boring, we cut to the chase:  The women are going to do the Muckfest race for MS, which is basically a giant obstacle course in the mud, while wearing wedding dresses.  We cannot but feel that Britney, Bitch has the advantage, given that her dress is knee-length.  She also has the incentive, as whomever wins the race, gets the 1:1 date with McConaughey.

 Halfway through the race, Julie/Juelia is mudspattered and done:  “I have balls swinging in my face,” says she.

Says KMu, “If I had a nickel for every time.”

Needless to say, Britney, Bitch is miles ahead of everyone, and gets the date.   McConaughey says something to the camera about her being “one of the top 3” contenders, and we at the BNU scream “WHAT?” simultaneously.  Fortunately, Britney, Bitch takes care of things on her own by saying she has no idea what she wants to do in the next five years, talking obsessively about weightlifting and diet, and then attempting to play a horrible game of “would you rather” in which she displays a stunning lack of compassion or social awareness by offering the choice between being celibate for five years with sleeping with a homeless woman who she describes as having a bird in her hair and unknown diseases. 

Fortunately, McConaughey is well aware that he on an “interview date” in which he is basically keeping the conversation going by occasional murmured questions or the well placed “really?” while Britney, Bitch talks constantly about herself and never asks him anything.  ABC thinks this is funny and unusual, and highlights McConaughey’s admission that he was thinking about “unicorns and fairies” as she was talking.  This Viewer smokes a mental cigarette for Woman Everywhere, all of whom have suffered through at least one of these dates out of every two she has gone on, and also, at most professional meetings. 

In a stunning reversal of fortune, McConaughey sends Britney, Bitch packing.  We feel bad for her in that moment, because she actually drops the bravado for a fraction of a second.   But then we feel a little worried for McConaughey, who is suddenly reflecting on the fact that he’s 33, single, wanting to be married for ever, and there must be something wrong with him if he can’t find a wife this way.  Oh dear.

At last it is the rose ceremony.  Fran Kardashian is either wearing her “Princess dress” again or she never took it off.  No Child Left Behind steals McConaughey away to let him know that she is “here for him and him alone… I just lost my train of thought.”  She makes up for it by blindfolding McConaughey and making him do a taste test of fruit and chocolate “involving three of your five senses… taste, smell, and I can’t remember the third one.”  This Viewer has pulled her turtleneck up to her eyeballs by the time we are finished with this meal.  “What do you call that?” asks McConaughey.  “Um, I’m just going to call it ‘Pick which of the Five Senses….’” Says No Child Left Behind, and trails off. 

Things do not improve when Fran Kardashian steps up to the plate and finally, finally says “I’m a virgin.  But don’t worry about it.  It’s not like, something that I’m super serious about…”

KMu: So, I could like lose it right here, right now.  In my princess dress.”

Fran Kardashian:  “And there you go.  Now it’s out.”

KMu:  “That’s what she said.”

But soon Fran Kardashian goes from thrilled to crying because crisis, McConaughey did not make a move on her after her announcement.  Oh!  What if he wants to be with someone more promiscuous!  Oh! What if she screwed everything up!  She cries to 1994.  She cries to Carly.  She cries to Hemingway.  She cries in the bathroom.  She cries on the sofa.

Gentle readers, this Viewer’s sister, SHa, has what are called the FOUR SACRED QUESTIONS OF PERSPECTIVE:

1. Do I have plenty to eat?

2. Is anyone shooting at me?

3. Am I a child bride in Saudi Arabia?

4.  Am I pregnant with Kevin Federline’s ninth illegitimate child?

If the answer to #1 is yes, and the answers to #2,3, and 4 are no, you are going to be ok.  And respectfully, Fran Kardashian, while you may deny yourself #1 and romanticize #3, you are perfectly fine.  However, if you do not stop this idiocy, you will soon be facing #2 from everyone at the BNU (All Of Us).  The end, by KLo.

And then, the most beautiful thing happens.  In a moment downplayed by ABC, as Fran Kardashian is crying to yet more people about being a virgin, Hemingway says completely calmly, “yeah, me too.  And no, I haven’t told McConaughey – it’s just never come up.” 

Fran Kardashian sucks in all her teeth.  Hemingway, FOR THE WIN of all thunder-stealing thunder. 

As the rose ceremony draws to a close, Britt manages to tick off McConaughey by spending her entire 1:1 time criticizing his perceived behavior with the other women, prompting him to make a spontaneous announcement that if any of the women don’t think he’s there to find a wife, they can sod off.   And then, joining Misty and Jade with roses, he picks:

1.  The Crow

2. Carly

3. No Child Left Behind

4. The Alleged Samantha

5.  1994

6.  Kelsey

7.  Hemingway

8. Fran Kardashian, ….. AND

9.  Brit.

WTF.  A girl we don’t recognize, who must be Nikki, goes home, as does Julie/Juelia and Crazy Eyes.  We appreciate McConaughey’s heart felt comments to Julie/Juelia about how someone will find her and be so lucky.  We also appreciate Crazy Eyes, who speaks for all of us on the occasion of her dismissal:  “I feel nothing. I’m not actually upset about it.”

Stay tuned for next week, when we all go to Santa Fe, New Mexico to ride hot air balloons and see Kelsey throw herself down the stairs in a fit of anguish.

- KLo