The Prosecutrix Part Finale: MWAH.

Finally, FINALLY it is The Prosecutrix Part Put A Bullet In It followed by Part Twist The Knife With Another After The Final Rose Episode.  You know what this means, babies:  After tonight, This Viewer gets to sleep for a few months until it all starts again. Praise jesus.

But first, we begin by watching the live viewing audience watching on tape what once happened live.  From LA.  “With Super Doppler Radar,” adds ABe, for good measure.  And here is Chris Harrison, talking about “Bachelorette viewing parties going on across the country” but the most important one allegedly is happening On Live Television.  We gaze at our wine (Barefoot, because we Keep It Classy), our paper (blank), ABe (drawing), and KMu (feeding Baby BMu, who has decided to go apeshit because he Speaks Our Inner Soul), and think to ourselves that Chris Harrison has no idea. 

Aaaanyway, we are back at Casa Del Campo in the Dominican Republic.  It all seems familiar.  And then we know why:  Because we painted it at Drink & Draw a few weeks ago.  Behold, Our Masterpiece:

Yes, This Viewer put Monsters in it [Rawr!].  And also, A Parrot to cover the polterwang that we accidentally gave the hammock when we were painting “freely” with our brush.

So the first date is with Nick, and The BNU Staff are already bored.  Really, this is a theme for the evening.  Nick, however, is excited to have The Prosecutrix back in his arms.  We meet Mom Patti, Dad Hy, Sister someone, and also we believe her husband.  It appears Nick may have given Hy whiskey as a housewarming gift. 

We think back on the applesauce we gave our neighbor this morning and refuse to feel bad about it.

The themes here are that Nick is extremely nervous, but swears his eternal love of The Prosecutrix.  Mom Patti wants him to know that The Prosecutrix worked her way through law school (which is why she gave it up the law to go on this show, clearly).  And the Prosecutrix confesses to her sister that her relationship with Nick is “very romantic” and that he also “makes her feel like a woman” and “sees her entire soul.”

“Show her the fairy tale book,” whispers KMu.

But then we remember how much we love Hy because Nick tries to ask for his blessing to propose, and Hy says, as This Viewer’s father has said to many a suitor, “well, it’s my daughter’s decision.  So if Andi decides you’re the one, then you will be a good fit.”   Yay, Hy!

This date ends with us all watching the top of The Prosecutrix’s underpants try to climb out the back of her dress.  We make a mental note not to wear backless dresses when sporting High Waisted Hosiery.

And just like that, the limo has whisked Nick away and off we go to spend time with Everyman.  The Prosecutrix tells her family that he is “totally my type, athlete, I totally threw him to the side, but he is totally not like that.”  We at the BNU are Totally Beginning to Hate Her.

Now, here is the thing about Everyman, on which have not focused In This Confessional because if we look at it directly, It Enrages Us.  Every time that Everyman kisses The Prosecutrix, he says --and the closed captioning dutifully reports --“MWAH.” And yes, this is the Finale and we are only bringing it up now.  But that is because, and we mean this Gentle Readers, it Enrages Us That Much.

So when Everyman “MWAHs” The Prosecutrix and presents A Very Original Gift of flowers and chocolate to her parents, our left eye begins to twitch.

Everyman is so nervous that he has forgotten to button half of his shirt.  Which suits The Prosecutrix because she is wearing A Ruffle on top, and a tablecloth on the bottom.  ABe hates this outfit.  The Prosecutrix’s family, however, is more concerned that Everyman is the type of guy that The Prosecutrix goes for all the time. 

But never fear, for This One Is Different. Says The Prosecutrix, “I came on this show to branch out and find a different type of guy, but here Everyman is, an athlete from Atlanta, just my type.  Sometimes, I, like, challenge him and tell him to step it up and give me something serious, and then he, like, totally steps it up.”

Well then.  Be Still Our Beating Hearts (All of Us).

In addition to ALSO telling Everyman that it really is The Prosecutrix’s decision as to who she is going to pick, Hy wins us over again by asking Everyman if he and The Prosecutrix really don’t just have a “Camp Romance.”  

Somehow, we think these two have already hit the boathouse.

As Everyman drives away at the end of this Lighting Round of Meet and Greet, The Prosecutrix wonders if one of her fine young gentlemen will break her heart “for the first time ever.”  WHAT?  But then we don’t care because we are back at the Live Viewing Audience and McConaughey is In. The. House.  *gasp*

“Farmer’s lookin’ fine,” says KMu, for ALL OF US. 

So back we go to watching the live people watching the video of the finale or whatever (really, we are starting to get dizzy), and here is the Prosecutrix in a bathing suit and scarf.  Apparently, this is her final date with Everyman, who has chosen to wear that same horrible ringer tank top that he keeps recycling, with its various blue lines and tiny tiny black pocket.   This Viewer had a tank top like that i in the 1980s.  It was hand-me-down from her male cousins.  From the 1970s.

He leans in to kiss The Prosecutrix [MWAH] and The Prosecutrix leans away.  As they climb aboard A Yacht, The Prosecutrix says “here we go” in a voice so tired that it sounds like “let’s get on with this,” concludes KMu, instead of “I’m on a boat with my beloved!”

We are not paying any more attention, because The Prosecutrix is once again analyzing the relationship and expressing all manner of doubt, followed by giddiness, followed by jumping in the water, followed by this:  “our relationship is as high as it’s ever been.”  (Everyman).

As they return from what appears to have been dinner so that they can Sit On the Sofa and Be Awkward While Filmed, we are all unsurprised that Everyman has neither “questions” nor “thoughts” to share with The Prosecutrix.  Because, Gentle Readers, he “knows how he feels with her” and “everything about her.”  Really?  REALLY?  The Prosecutrix wonders whether “anything will be left” if the feeling of “not being able to get enough of each other” goes away.  So basically, What Happens When The Hots Fade. 

The camera pans downward, revealing that Everyman is wearing Salmon Pants of Rage.

“Does everyone on this show have salmon bottoms?” asks ABe.

And now we must slow play this, for Everyman has gotten The Prosecutrix a gift.  And that gift is…. A personal baseball card.  Which says “The Murrays.” Because why wouldn’t she take his last name after apparently no discussion?

And then there is this:

Stats:
Bats: Right.
Throws:  Right.
Drafted:  First Round, First Pick.
Games:  Doesn’t Play Games.  [hhahhahhaa]
Runs:  Into Josh’s arms. [hahahah *sob*]
Walks:  In the park.
Doubles:  As an Attorney. [more like “moonlights”]
Steals:  Josh’s Heart. 
Saves:  Josh from being a lonely man.  [no words].
Fun Fact:  Husband Josh has never missed a day saying ‘I love you.’”

As these Stats are read, There Is Cacophony at the BNU:

“OMG, I hate this guy.  I hate him so much,” says ABe.  “And also, that card is poorly designed.”

“A guy doesn’t put his last name on a girl if he isn’t ready for this,” Says The Prosecutrix.  Which This Viewer decries vehemently as Utter Bullshit.

“If you like it, then you shouldaputyourlastname on it,” sings KMu.  

And then we return to civility, as ABe offers KMu a chocolate made of 80% cacao, noting that it is slightly darker than other chocolate.  “All dark chocolate looks alike, doesn’t it Ron?” asks KMu of ABe. 

Marquel, we will not forget you.

Off we go to the final date with Nick.  To which The Prosecutrix has chosen to wear a black tanktop tucked into her underpants, and Nick has chosen to match his shorts and t-shirt entirely, making a color block of blue.  This is apparently what one wears to go “off-roading” in a jeep.   As we see them tear through the woods, Nick says “I just enjoy…being around her….”

“In an ‘I want to tear your skin off, Clarice,’ kind of way,” concludes ABe.

So The Prosecutrix takes Nick to a “private, secret lagoon,” where they drink wine and kiss.  We look around for some mutant monkeys, or maybe blood rain, or something to make this more interesting.  But We Are Denied because instead, all we get is Nick worrying about going down the path of engagement, where he has been before, and then being denied.   After dinner, It Continues:

“I love when you ramble” – The Prosecutrix.

“I love when you look at me with your creepy eyes,” - ABe.

But in all seriousness, there is 15 minutes in which The Couple ramble about rambling.  At the conclusion, The Prosecutrix encourages Nick to “turn your brain off and just feel,” and also “think of all the things we’ve ‘enjoyed’” (in air quotes), both of which sound a little rape-y and not actually romantic to This Viewer.  But it gets worse because next, they talk about what a typical day would be like “well, I get up at 6 a.m….” Nick starts.

“Then follow you to work and call you every 10 minutes…” finishes ABe.

This date ends with the gifting of a necklace that is a bottle holding sand, and the conclusion that The Prosecutrix knows Nick is an intellectual by how he kisses.  We don’t know about that, but we can at least report that we know Nick went to drama school by the way he dresses.  And also, “the word ‘intellectual’ has been used far too many times in this show,” observes KMu.

And then it is the morning of the Final Rose Ceremony.  The Prosecutrix crawls out of bed, opens her curtains, and we all let out a gasp.  Babies, at some point in every woman’s life, generally in her 20s and before The Landslide Brings Us Down, we think it’s a good idea to make the purchase of A Silken Negligee.  Which is typically cheap looking and/or Actually Made of Taffeta or another Hateful Material because we were Fooled By the Victoria’s Secret Catalogue.  Perhaps we got said Item At A Discount.  But post-purchase, and while fannying about in our apartment as if an extra in Eat Pray Love, we inevitably realize that we are cold, and also, sliding off the chair.  At that point, we return to cotton. Warm, beloved cotton.

But The Prosecutrix is apparently on her First Silken Negligee, which is hot pink, covered in tacky lace in all the usual places, and also, really really ugly.  Undeterred, she has ventured outside in her negligee and A CARDIGAN to think about Everyman and Nick.  We have a strong suspicion that We Have Seen LadyBits.

  

While this is going on, Neil Lane is showing Everyman rings, as Everyman talks about potentially getting engaged to The Prosecutrix in relation to other “big days” in his life, such as being drafted in baseball.  We sigh internally.  And then we sigh again because now Everyman is talking about getting a “strong ring” for his “strong lady.”  Which is basically code for Getting A Giant Diamond Loogiee For Her Finger.

But, there is a  hard edit, and suddenly we realize that The Prosecutrix has come to visit Nick in his cabana.  Uh oh. But rather than find out what actually is about to occur, Chris Harrison decides to wrench us back to the “live viewing audience” to hear what some “Fan favorites”  have to say.  SIGH.

We don’t know when ABC concluded that Norma Cassidy from Season Juan Ton is a ‘Fan Favorite,” but here she is declaring that  “I wish someone would have come to my door!”

Then McConaughey is talking, and we don’t hear anything he says because ABe is telling him that she loves him, and wants to have his babies.

“So, you’re lukewarm about him…” says KMu. 

Michelle Money from  Season We Can’t Remember then stands up and wants to know who the next Bachelor is.  Everyone at the BNU has a heart attack hoping/not hoping that it is McConaughey.  We don’t want to hate him with the fire of a thousand suns, babies. It is very stressful For This Viewer to think about.

So back we go to The Prosecutrix, who we now realize is wearing a bed sheet with feathers printed on it.  “I woke up this morning, and felt that something is right.  The thing I see in you, with us, I don’t think is best for us.  We would over-analyze everything.  It isn’t right.  It isn’t right.  And also, it isn’t right.”

 We feel bad for Nick, who is so stunned he nearly has no words.  We also note, For The Presses, that The Prosecutrix appears more comfortable with Nick, talking about being uncomfortable, than she appears to be with Everyman.  So Nick and The Prosecutrix talk in code for while saying that he doesn’t know how she could look at him the way she did, and react “as she did,” and then be saying these things.  He wants to know if this is an issue of their relationship, or because it’s about someone else, and SHE SHRUGS.   She is dead to us, if she cannot even articulate that.

As he Exits Stage Right, Nick tells The Prosecutrix that he “hopes that you are 100% sure and not just scared.”   And then we see him taking all his shriveled roses out of his suitcase and throwing them away.  Da da DUM.   Back with the live viewing audience, Chris Harrison tells us that The Prosecutrix has since refused to talk or meet with Nick.

Babies, and then he is gone.  And we are thrust into the Weirdest Rose Ceremony Ever. We didn’t really like Nick, but we still feel bad for him.  And now all we are left with is Everyman, whom we don’t care about. It is a bit like Season Ben That We Did Not Blog, but in which everyone at the end was a Terrible, Terrible Choice and We Did Not Care. 

But here we are standing with The Prosecutrix on a sunset platform.  She is wearing a hand towel on a ring around her neck and has horsey hair.   Everyman is wearing a suit that is two sizes too small.  He can barely button it.

“If he can’t get a suit that fits, then we’re done here,” says ABe.

MWAH!  And then Everyman is talking. And talking.  Something about giving up his first love of baseball, and that they have “a love” like your read about “in great books” and that his life changed when he saw her, and that “I KNOW DEEP DOWN IN MY HEART THAT I AM THE ONLY MAN IN THE WORLD THAT CAN MAKE YOU SMILE AS YOU DO.”  

What.  The Actual.  F*ck.  

And then “When I look in your eyes, so much beauty, love, passion, I want to give the world to you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you….. MWAH. 

And then it is The Prosecutrix’s turn to say “wow, it has been a Journey” [everybody drink].  Blah blah “I have loved you since I set eyes on you….”

KMu, for All of Us:  “REALLY?”

ABe, to KMu:  “I’d do you before I’d do that guy.”

He proposes,she says yes.  MWAH, MWAH, and also, MWAH. 

We just have no words.  We start searching the crowd for McConaughey to calm ourselves when the proposal is finally over and we are back to the viewing audience.

Just like that, we are into the Bonus “After The Final Rose.”   And this is so boring that we are going to summarize.

Nick is heartbroken and not moving on.  He is devastated “the likes of which we rarely see on this show,” says Chris Harrison.  And he wants to see The Prosecutrix, so he travelled to Mexico where she was vacationing, and she refused to see him.  And then he travelled to The Men Tell All and she refused to see him.  He eventually gave her a note to read (via Chris Harrison), which she apparently does read, but still refuses to see him until tonight, when she can Avoid Him No More.

Nick is trying not to cry as he comes out on stage.  We feel genuinely bad for him.  And then out comes the Prosecutrix in a white lace dress which we hate, and she Will Have None Of Him.  She is so legitimately cold that we conclude there is something else that is not being said. …. Until Nick says that they slept together in the fantasy suite.  And now we understand.  She is embarrassed by some of her life choices with Nick, and wants to bury him and never talk to him again.

Chris Harrison wants to know if The Prosecutrix “loved Nick, or parts of him?” To which she dispassionately states that “I didn’t love Nick, and that’s why I didn’t tell him.”  And also, that her relationship with Everyman was “more right” than her relationship with Nick.  This is terrible.  We end the segment with Nick looking down at the floor from one end of the sofa, and The Prosecutrix looking off into the distance from the other.   

So what better way to end the show than to awkwardly bring out Everyman.  He keeps pawing her, they talk about nothing, and somehow someone brings up “role playing’ and we are speechless.  Gentle readers, they are allegedly going to get married within the next six months to a year.  We give the relationship that long.

And in a testament to how boring this couple is, Chris Harrison announces that Grumpy Cat is on set because ha ha, The Prosecutrix Has A Frown and wouldn’t it be funny for her to compete against Grumpy Cat.” 

“So they are bringing out an internet meme because the people themselves are so boring…..” says KMu.  This Viewer takes a drink.

And just like that, we are done.

That was…. Painful babies.  But we will see you all next season. We hope you will join us.