The Prosecutrix Part 5: Bro's Before Ho's
This Viewer is learning French, or "the Frenches" as we call it. We are Not Good At It, but one day, when we finally admit to ourselves that we cannot take the Trauma of Big Law and decide to Live Out A Julia Roberts Movie, it will be useful. The Prosecutrix, on the other hand, is skipping right to the movie part: that one where Our Heroine goes to Marseille, France with a bunch of beefy man-children and they all do things that make us embarrassed for traveling Americans everywhere.
"Oooo, I've never been to France before!," exclaims She. "It is the epitome of charm!"
Baby BMu, restless in KMu's arms, starts crying.
Immediately, ABC thrusts us into a Language Learning Film Clip from this Viewer's Frenches class materials: creepy man in a turtleneck (Chris Harrison) meets Solitary Woman (Prosecutrix), also in a turtleneck, at an abandoned outdoor cafe. They speak limited French: "Bonjour." And also, he calls her out on falling in love, maybe, but without her ever actually admitting anything. Meh.
But then, we have a seizure because The Prosecutrix stands up. And she is wearing a pleated black pleather circle mini-skirt. In case any of us was wondering what it would like to wear a children's birthday tablecloth as Bottoms.
Meanwhile, Date card #1 has come, and it is for Everyman. "Voyons, notre amour... something." We are trying to get excited about Everyman, but .....
"He's all dimples and haircut," says KMu.
This is the "walk around Marseille" date, where they speak loudly in English to all the shopkeepers in what is obviously freezing cold weather, until they end up on a *surprise* yacht trip, also in freezing cold weather. All of which is performed in Remarkably Inadequate Clothing.
This Viewer once took a train from a Very Depressed Economic Area in order to travel home from meetings. This Viewer, wearing a Vile Suit, received a nice compliment from A Toothless Man who told us that we were "A Pretty Lady," bought a hot dog for dinner from a woman who was both serving said dogs and making change from a pile of crumpled bills on an equally dirty table with her bare hands (germs are good for us), and then bonded with a homeless man over the fact that it was quite cold outside and the (likely) prostitute catwalking around the train station needed to put on some damn pants.
This is how we feel about The Prosecutrix and Everyman.
Everyman compares the date to a "play off game" in importance, discusses tennis and golf with The Prosecutrix as This Viewer yawns from the sofa, and then they kiss a crapload while The Prosecutrix hides under "A Black Kitty.... or Gray at Best," notes KMu. We conclude that, regardless of their outward color, if any of the Stock Kitties on this show showed their Inner Soul, they would be All 50 Shades.
The Big News here is not really news anymore: Oh, for The Prosecutrix is attracted, but she *always* dates the athlete. Can She Trust Him? She decides to test his devotion by taking him to The Wall.
"We don't kneel for anyone beyond The Wall," whispers This Viewer.
How convenient that there is a nice park bench sitting on a desolate rock for them, which we are disappointed to learn is in Calanques, France, and not, actually, The Wall. We feel bad for the intern that had to put it there, but Everyman doesn't mind. Lo, for he is telling The Prosecutrix that he played baseball for five years, which was difficult because he started at 17, and also, he quit because he wanted a family.
The Prosecutrix worries aloud about whether she has anything more than a physical connection to Everyman.
We worry aloud that this date is Never Going To End because next, NEXT, we go off to dinner at a castle filled with Statues and Other Art.
KMu offers a prediction: "Some new country singer is going to climb up the statute of Titan and play some shitty song."
But that doesn't happen for at least another 5 minutes.
First, Everyman must Bare His Soul to The Prosecutrix as he tries, once and for all, to convince her that he is not a Paper Bag of Flaming Crap Cheat of an Athlete. Which he does by gently explaining that, when he was a baseball player, his girlfriend's friends continually told her that he was going to cheat on her, which he allegedly never did, ... but which led The Girlfriend to cheating on him, pre-emptively. Which naturally broke his heart. Oh, but also, with the next girlfriend, there was never any trust issue, but he just didn't *love* her in an "I-want-to-marry-you" kind of way. SO, the next time he says it, he wants to "mean it." And also, it has been five years since he went on a date.
After a speech from The Prosecutrix about how they are just "two kids from Atlanta, two miles apart, here in France..." Everyman gets the Rose AND THEN SOME DUDE STARTS TO SING as they slow dance on a red blanket between two ugly, and no doubt extremely heavy, flaming candlabra.
Meanwhile, back at the house, a group date card has come for Marcus, McConaughey, Mackledouche, JJ, Marquel, Nick, Patrick, and the Ad Man. It is blank, except for a "heart, Andi" at the end. This is less important than the heartbreak of a rumor started by JJ, who tells Marquel that when he and Ron, the other POC, made it through with roses the first time, Ad Man leaned over and said "Whoa, she gave it to two blackies."
We are speechless.
Marquel is rattled by JJ's comment. He says that while he understands that this is all hearsay, it still hurts, because "no matter how well you treat [another] person, they still have an idea of you." He is frustrated with the reality that the first thing people see with him is that he is a "black guy" -- not a good guy, or a man who has been brought up right or does the right thing. And he is trying to figure out how to address this appropriately, given how deeply it hurts him, but how it is also based only on hearsay.
He goes to the group date, but maintains a careful distance from Ad Man while he sorts himself out. More on this later, but we have decided (All of Us) that Marquel, with his calm thoughtfulness and honesty, is going to be the only person on this season that we actually care about afterwards.
The Prosecutrix does little to lift our spirits, because she has chosen to show up for this group date in stilettos and a see-through doily top, with black bra underneath. And McConaughey is wearing the salmon shorts of rage.
"Do they just pass this crap down from season to season?" demands KMu.
Our mood does not improve when we learn that the group will be LEARNING TO MIME.
KMu is incredulous: "What are the odds you spent the summer miming?"
KLo: "I totally did."
Fine Arts Camp, 1985, Babies.
So this segment is terrible. Mackledouche says he's got his "mime on his money and his money on his mime." JJ observes that they all suck, which is very true, and then they are forced to take their Suckage outside where the few local French residents stare in horror and a baby starts to cry. And also, Nick refuses to participate. We don't like Nick.
The Prosecutrix finally ends this tragedy by taking all the men to have a drink. This is weird and goes on forever. First, JJ takes The Prosecutrix up in a conveniently nearby ferris wheel, which would be nice if we actually thought they would end up together but they won't. While they are gone, Mackledouche attacks Nick for acting like he is the front runner in this thing, so by the time The Prosecutrix is back, Tension Is High. So, the Prosecutrix tries to find out what is going on from McConaughey.
McConaughey: [Choosing words carefully]
The Prosecutrix: "My future husband will tell me anything. But, I don't want to push you for too much information because you know, you don't have to give up your bros before, .... you know."
KMu: "Bros before Hos? REALLY??"
Blah blah off to 1:1 time with Nick, who confesses that he was giving Mackledouche a hard time in the house, but downplays its significance. The Prosecutrix secretly wonders if Nick isn't a little manipulative, but then falls for him again when he brings out "something he wrote." And it goes like this:
"When I see you, I see.... smiles.
blushing.
Getting nervous.
Chest bursts with excitement.
Beauty.
Purpose.
Strength.
Future.
This is the shittiest love poem ever written. And also, dishonest. When this Viewer sees The Prosecutrix, she usually sees London, and also France, because she sees......
ANYWAY, The Prosecutrix is brought back around Nick's thumb. And also, Marcus tells her that he is "falling in love with" her. Which this Viewer secretly doesn't think it takes much courage to say. "I am beginning to like your haircut," and also "your smile is becoming more attractive to me" is different than "I love you" full. stop.
In the end, the only part of this date that we care about is that Marquel confronts the Ad Man, carefully and respectfully. The Ad Man is, of course, an asshat about it, interrupts Marquel and is absolutely tone-deaf to how difficult it is for Marquel to be talking to the Ad Man about the rumor. Says Marquel in the end: "I am not going to stay up at night trying to figure out who is telling the truth here [between JJ and Ad Man]. I spoke my truth."
Marquel is a man among boys.
We are annoyed when JJ gets the rose on this date.
Last but not least, date #3 comes for Brian, saying something about recipes for love. We know this is immediate disaster when Brian confesses that he doesn't like cooking.
This date is essentially very boring. They go to a mid-date private movie screening, and then to the market to buy ingredients for what Andi thinks is a traditional french meal, including frog legs. "As cheesy is it all sounds, there's a recipe for great food, and a recipe for great love. I'm just trying to figure it all out!!" says she. And then there is this awesome kitchen conversation:
The Prosecutrix: "How do you like your broccoli?"
Brian: "Different ways...."
The Prosecutrix: "Are you a cheese guy?"
Brian: "I tend to be."
KMu starts flipping through the online profiles of the men. "Guess what three things Brian would take with him to a desert island?" she asks This Viewer.
"I hope one of them isn't a Bible," says We.
It is. At Number 1.
And it is at this point that we know Brian is not going to make it very much longer in this date, even if he rallies after they go out for a "real" meal, and smooches her inside some dark corner, thereby securing the rose THIS TIME.
At last, the rose ceremony is upon us. The Prosecutrix is wearing a fine dress from the front, except she has Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman Hair that all of us at the BNU despise. And also, when she turns around, we discover that her dress is actually a giant corset on top with the corset... half cocked, shall we say.
But The Prosecutrix means Business. She skips the cocktail party and immediately cuts three men. So, joining Everyman, Brian, and JJ with roses, she keeps:
1. Marcus
2. Nick. Noooooo.
3. McConaughey. Yyayayayaya
4. Dylan. And....
5. MACKLEDOUCHE.
Ad Man, Patrick, and Marquel go home. We don't care about Ad Man and Patrick. But we are vaguely insulted, on behalf of Marquel, that he would be going home in the same round as both of them. As he walks out of the house, he cries a little and says that meeting The Prosecutrix has made him believe in love. He's "not that special," but he "wants love badly." We conclude that he is going to make some woman very happy in the future, and salute him as he walks off into the sunset.
Stay tuned for next week, when The Prosecutrix ruins one of This Viewer's favorite places, Venice.
Hearts & Flowers,
KLo.
"Oooo, I've never been to France before!," exclaims She. "It is the epitome of charm!"
Baby BMu, restless in KMu's arms, starts crying.
Immediately, ABC thrusts us into a Language Learning Film Clip from this Viewer's Frenches class materials: creepy man in a turtleneck (Chris Harrison) meets Solitary Woman (Prosecutrix), also in a turtleneck, at an abandoned outdoor cafe. They speak limited French: "Bonjour." And also, he calls her out on falling in love, maybe, but without her ever actually admitting anything. Meh.
But then, we have a seizure because The Prosecutrix stands up. And she is wearing a pleated black pleather circle mini-skirt. In case any of us was wondering what it would like to wear a children's birthday tablecloth as Bottoms.
Meanwhile, Date card #1 has come, and it is for Everyman. "Voyons, notre amour... something." We are trying to get excited about Everyman, but .....
"He's all dimples and haircut," says KMu.
This is the "walk around Marseille" date, where they speak loudly in English to all the shopkeepers in what is obviously freezing cold weather, until they end up on a *surprise* yacht trip, also in freezing cold weather. All of which is performed in Remarkably Inadequate Clothing.
This Viewer once took a train from a Very Depressed Economic Area in order to travel home from meetings. This Viewer, wearing a Vile Suit, received a nice compliment from A Toothless Man who told us that we were "A Pretty Lady," bought a hot dog for dinner from a woman who was both serving said dogs and making change from a pile of crumpled bills on an equally dirty table with her bare hands (germs are good for us), and then bonded with a homeless man over the fact that it was quite cold outside and the (likely) prostitute catwalking around the train station needed to put on some damn pants.
This is how we feel about The Prosecutrix and Everyman.
Everyman compares the date to a "play off game" in importance, discusses tennis and golf with The Prosecutrix as This Viewer yawns from the sofa, and then they kiss a crapload while The Prosecutrix hides under "A Black Kitty.... or Gray at Best," notes KMu. We conclude that, regardless of their outward color, if any of the Stock Kitties on this show showed their Inner Soul, they would be All 50 Shades.
The Big News here is not really news anymore: Oh, for The Prosecutrix is attracted, but she *always* dates the athlete. Can She Trust Him? She decides to test his devotion by taking him to The Wall.
"We don't kneel for anyone beyond The Wall," whispers This Viewer.
How convenient that there is a nice park bench sitting on a desolate rock for them, which we are disappointed to learn is in Calanques, France, and not, actually, The Wall. We feel bad for the intern that had to put it there, but Everyman doesn't mind. Lo, for he is telling The Prosecutrix that he played baseball for five years, which was difficult because he started at 17, and also, he quit because he wanted a family.
The Prosecutrix worries aloud about whether she has anything more than a physical connection to Everyman.
We worry aloud that this date is Never Going To End because next, NEXT, we go off to dinner at a castle filled with Statues and Other Art.
KMu offers a prediction: "Some new country singer is going to climb up the statute of Titan and play some shitty song."
But that doesn't happen for at least another 5 minutes.
First, Everyman must Bare His Soul to The Prosecutrix as he tries, once and for all, to convince her that he is not a Paper Bag of Flaming Crap Cheat of an Athlete. Which he does by gently explaining that, when he was a baseball player, his girlfriend's friends continually told her that he was going to cheat on her, which he allegedly never did, ... but which led The Girlfriend to cheating on him, pre-emptively. Which naturally broke his heart. Oh, but also, with the next girlfriend, there was never any trust issue, but he just didn't *love* her in an "I-want-to-marry-you" kind of way. SO, the next time he says it, he wants to "mean it." And also, it has been five years since he went on a date.
After a speech from The Prosecutrix about how they are just "two kids from Atlanta, two miles apart, here in France..." Everyman gets the Rose AND THEN SOME DUDE STARTS TO SING as they slow dance on a red blanket between two ugly, and no doubt extremely heavy, flaming candlabra.
Meanwhile, back at the house, a group date card has come for Marcus, McConaughey, Mackledouche, JJ, Marquel, Nick, Patrick, and the Ad Man. It is blank, except for a "heart, Andi" at the end. This is less important than the heartbreak of a rumor started by JJ, who tells Marquel that when he and Ron, the other POC, made it through with roses the first time, Ad Man leaned over and said "Whoa, she gave it to two blackies."
We are speechless.
Marquel is rattled by JJ's comment. He says that while he understands that this is all hearsay, it still hurts, because "no matter how well you treat [another] person, they still have an idea of you." He is frustrated with the reality that the first thing people see with him is that he is a "black guy" -- not a good guy, or a man who has been brought up right or does the right thing. And he is trying to figure out how to address this appropriately, given how deeply it hurts him, but how it is also based only on hearsay.
He goes to the group date, but maintains a careful distance from Ad Man while he sorts himself out. More on this later, but we have decided (All of Us) that Marquel, with his calm thoughtfulness and honesty, is going to be the only person on this season that we actually care about afterwards.
The Prosecutrix does little to lift our spirits, because she has chosen to show up for this group date in stilettos and a see-through doily top, with black bra underneath. And McConaughey is wearing the salmon shorts of rage.
"Do they just pass this crap down from season to season?" demands KMu.
Our mood does not improve when we learn that the group will be LEARNING TO MIME.
KMu is incredulous: "What are the odds you spent the summer miming?"
KLo: "I totally did."
Fine Arts Camp, 1985, Babies.
So this segment is terrible. Mackledouche says he's got his "mime on his money and his money on his mime." JJ observes that they all suck, which is very true, and then they are forced to take their Suckage outside where the few local French residents stare in horror and a baby starts to cry. And also, Nick refuses to participate. We don't like Nick.
The Prosecutrix finally ends this tragedy by taking all the men to have a drink. This is weird and goes on forever. First, JJ takes The Prosecutrix up in a conveniently nearby ferris wheel, which would be nice if we actually thought they would end up together but they won't. While they are gone, Mackledouche attacks Nick for acting like he is the front runner in this thing, so by the time The Prosecutrix is back, Tension Is High. So, the Prosecutrix tries to find out what is going on from McConaughey.
McConaughey: [Choosing words carefully]
The Prosecutrix: "My future husband will tell me anything. But, I don't want to push you for too much information because you know, you don't have to give up your bros before, .... you know."
KMu: "Bros before Hos? REALLY??"
Blah blah off to 1:1 time with Nick, who confesses that he was giving Mackledouche a hard time in the house, but downplays its significance. The Prosecutrix secretly wonders if Nick isn't a little manipulative, but then falls for him again when he brings out "something he wrote." And it goes like this:
"When I see you, I see.... smiles.
blushing.
Getting nervous.
Chest bursts with excitement.
Beauty.
Purpose.
Strength.
Future.
This is the shittiest love poem ever written. And also, dishonest. When this Viewer sees The Prosecutrix, she usually sees London, and also France, because she sees......
ANYWAY, The Prosecutrix is brought back around Nick's thumb. And also, Marcus tells her that he is "falling in love with" her. Which this Viewer secretly doesn't think it takes much courage to say. "I am beginning to like your haircut," and also "your smile is becoming more attractive to me" is different than "I love you" full. stop.
In the end, the only part of this date that we care about is that Marquel confronts the Ad Man, carefully and respectfully. The Ad Man is, of course, an asshat about it, interrupts Marquel and is absolutely tone-deaf to how difficult it is for Marquel to be talking to the Ad Man about the rumor. Says Marquel in the end: "I am not going to stay up at night trying to figure out who is telling the truth here [between JJ and Ad Man]. I spoke my truth."
Marquel is a man among boys.
We are annoyed when JJ gets the rose on this date.
Last but not least, date #3 comes for Brian, saying something about recipes for love. We know this is immediate disaster when Brian confesses that he doesn't like cooking.
This date is essentially very boring. They go to a mid-date private movie screening, and then to the market to buy ingredients for what Andi thinks is a traditional french meal, including frog legs. "As cheesy is it all sounds, there's a recipe for great food, and a recipe for great love. I'm just trying to figure it all out!!" says she. And then there is this awesome kitchen conversation:
The Prosecutrix: "How do you like your broccoli?"
Brian: "Different ways...."
The Prosecutrix: "Are you a cheese guy?"
Brian: "I tend to be."
KMu starts flipping through the online profiles of the men. "Guess what three things Brian would take with him to a desert island?" she asks This Viewer.
"I hope one of them isn't a Bible," says We.
It is. At Number 1.
And it is at this point that we know Brian is not going to make it very much longer in this date, even if he rallies after they go out for a "real" meal, and smooches her inside some dark corner, thereby securing the rose THIS TIME.
At last, the rose ceremony is upon us. The Prosecutrix is wearing a fine dress from the front, except she has Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman Hair that all of us at the BNU despise. And also, when she turns around, we discover that her dress is actually a giant corset on top with the corset... half cocked, shall we say.
But The Prosecutrix means Business. She skips the cocktail party and immediately cuts three men. So, joining Everyman, Brian, and JJ with roses, she keeps:
1. Marcus
2. Nick. Noooooo.
3. McConaughey. Yyayayayaya
4. Dylan. And....
5. MACKLEDOUCHE.
Ad Man, Patrick, and Marquel go home. We don't care about Ad Man and Patrick. But we are vaguely insulted, on behalf of Marquel, that he would be going home in the same round as both of them. As he walks out of the house, he cries a little and says that meeting The Prosecutrix has made him believe in love. He's "not that special," but he "wants love badly." We conclude that he is going to make some woman very happy in the future, and salute him as he walks off into the sunset.
Stay tuned for next week, when The Prosecutrix ruins one of This Viewer's favorite places, Venice.
Hearts & Flowers,
KLo.
posted by KLo @ 5:28 AM
1 Comments:
Well, this viewer has been off on vacation at a cattle ranch for the last 5 days....is any further comment necessary?
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