Juan Ton Part 6: Won't You Take Me To. . . Hobbit Town.
Babies, we begin Juan Ton Part 6 in the very bucketmost place on this Viewer's bucket list: New Zealand. We are traumatized that ABC would defile our travel hopes and dreams in such a manner, but there it is. And here he is: Man of the Hour, Juan Ton. As his helicopter zooms over geysers "bubbling up from under the earth" (much like the bitterness in this Viewer's Soul), he tells us all that he is ready to Take It To the Next Level.
And now we are at the Huka Lodge, and we are bored. The women are walking around in the verdant magic, and Forever 21 is excited. Norma Cassidy, on the other hand, wants to "feel wanted again." You know, because she didn't feel "wanted" getting the first 1:1 date, having the second group date revolve around her, and making out with The Ton in the ocean. But she swoops down upon date card #1, sure of herself, and reads:
"Andi, let's heat things up."
Says KMu: "Norma Cassidy is going to be on a Lifetime movie. The way she's looking down at that date card looks like she's going to cutta bitch."
"Tomorrow is going to change everything for you" says a voiceless woman. We at the BNU debate whether a producer just read that line from the side of the room, since no one looks like they believe it. Except maybe Forever 21, who tells Renee in a fireside chat later that evening that she feels like for the "longest time" in her 21 years she was content being by herself and focusing on her son, but now She Is Ready, and also, struggling to find someone who values both her AND her son. Renee listens and supports her.
"Renee is too good for this show," says ABe, for All Of Us.
But we're supposed to be paying attention to Andi, in her white jeans and boots, so let's all do that. Oh! Her emotions are bubbling! Oh! This is getting real! We again struggle with boredom until Juan Ton takes her on a "river jet" and the music from Every Cheesy Cop Movie from the 1980s starts. We love this music. Except we are not really liking Andi. There's nothing wrong with her, per se. It's just that she looks miserable and cold and says such things as:
"It's raining. I like rain."
Andi is about to get even wetter, as Juan Pablo informs her that they are going to get into the freezing cold water and walk through "The Squeeze."
First of all, Andi is now wearing this:
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When this viewer was a child, her mother tied her mittens to shoe strings and ran said strings through our coat sleeves, so that we would Not Lose Them. Andi has apparently taken the same approach to her bottoms.
Secondly, as we watch Juan Ton, Andi, and Andi's bottoms-on-a-string squeeze through narrower and narrower rocks, KMu speaks the Universal Truth for All of Us:
"This is where I would be left to die."
We secretly think Andi is thinking the same thing. But Andi is in another world entirely, concluding that it "feels so good to be taken care of" by Juan Ton. Because that is what All of Us Want in life: to be Taken Care Of in the middle of wedgity rocks. What does that even mean? And also, as they approach a waterfall and then proceed to dramatically kiss as the water pours down on top of their heads: "It was cold. It was hot. I can't wait to see what tonight brings."
Swimming in a waterfall, to this Viewer, is one of those Romantic Things that are really Less Romantic than they Are Sold To Be, like chocolate-dipped strawberries, in which the choco-shizzle gets all up in your teeth, or kissing while being hit in the face with a fire hose. This Viewer once swam in a waterfall, in a foreign land. We nearly lost a contact and went home vaguely squishy and damp. Happy Valentine's Day, Gentle Readers.
Just to conclude this date, Andi "hopes tonight we have a Beak Through, and Feel It With Each Other." Whatever "It" was that Andi was hoping to Feel, she and Juan Pablo are rained out of their dinner by a Geyser Gushing Forth, leaving us with the following Pearls of Wisdom:
Juan Ton: "Wow, that was A Big One"
ABe: [cackling softly from the sofa]
Andi: "If I didn't have a job or nice things, I'd still be ok as long as I had love"
KMu: "Oh god, another one of those 'live on love' women."
Juan Ton: " I want Love. Somebody. Kids."
Andi: "It's so ironic to be standing next to a geyser, because our chemistry is Bursting Through also."
Really? REALLY? She gets the rose.
Meanwhile back at the resort, the next date card has come for all of the women EXCEPT Norma Cassidy. "Let love roll" the card says. But we don't care because dammit, this means Norma Cassidy gets the 1:1 to follow.
The group date begins in Rotarua, in which the women meet in a field for a picnic. Forever 21 is turning 22 today, making her hopeful for her "fairy tale ending." Oh, Forever 21. Someday, you will realize that the fairy tale ending is the man who scrapes your car when it snows. Not the man who leaves you on sheep poop in the middle of The Shire.
This date involves taking off winter coats and putting on bikinis to roll in giant water-filled balls down the hill.
"How does it end?" asks The Sharl.
"Badly" says Nurse Nikki.
"Are they talking about the balls or this season?" asks KMu.
We at the BNU are amazed, quite frankly, that no one throws up on this date. Nurse Nikki kisses Juan Ton in the ball, as does various other people. And also, Sharleen's swimsuit has some kind of tassles on it. We are terrified.
But C for continue, and so we progress to Hobbit Town, where The Lord of the Rings was filmed. "Juan Ton, won't you take me to [doo doo doo doo] Hobbit Town." we sing softly. As this Viewer secretly loves small houses, we would be disproportionately excited about being the Land O'Hobbits than being with Juan Ton. The Sharl feels as we do, and we don't quite know what to think about that.
Juan Ton immediately pulls Renee away for 1:1 time. YAY!! We love Renee! Except the Ton tells her that she is one of his "special ones."
"What does that even mean?" asks ABe.
After a momentary pang of fear that Juan Ton means "special" as in the Urban Chickens from Juan Ton Part 5, this Viewer concludes that Renee is "special" to Juan Ton because she is a mom, not because she has any kind of particular hold on JT. We feel sad for her, and also raise our mini-bottle of wine in her direction as, in what must be a Bachelor first, Renee talks about another contestant without being nasty about her: Renee explains that she and Forever 21 had a moment of missing their kids.
1:1 time with Nurse Nikki involves a bejeweled navajo blanket of a mini-skirt, which Juan Ton promptly covers with a quilt. Undeterred, Nurse Nikki starts out: "It's kinda scary and hard to be here. . . "
"OMG, she's going to be 'tortured' again," mutters KMu in annoyance.
The whole damsel-working-through-hard-and-scary-things apparently works for Juan Ton, as extensive tongue follows from there. We at the BNU are Grossed Out.
Meanwhile, 1:1 time with The Sharl is just. .. awkward. Juan Ton doesn't even attempt to talk to her, immediately launching towards her face. The Sharl breaks free, scoots away, and begins talking avidly about Hobbit Town and not knowing "what he thinks. or what she thinks. Or what they think together.'
"Don't think. Make the best of this" croons Juan Ton to The Sharl.
"Did he really just say that?" asks ABe.
"Yes, while stroking her face," confirms KMu. "But in fairness, that was a really polite way to tell her to shut up."
At long last, it is 1:1 time with Forever 21. She launches into a speech about needing a father figure for her son, and how he is a great guy, and we feel nervous. In a voice over, Renee says that as much as she would like a rose, she feels like Forever 21 needs it more. But Juan Ton doesn't have that in mind, as he gently lets her go, explaining that he wishes they were "in the same chapter" but they are not.
Forever 21 cries in the limo, and then ABC ruins it by playing some kind of weepy love song about mysic music and also, bullshit. When This Viewer was in college, we made a mix tape filled with sad love songs so that if we were sad, We Could Wallow. We don't know whether to be pleased or traumatized that ABC has continued the tradition.
Randomly, the Sharl gets the rose on this date.
At last it is the date we have been dreading: 1:1 with Norma Cassidy. We will make this brief. Norma Cassidy still wants to hash it out over the night-swimming thing that they have already talked about three times. Essentially, she wants an apology from him because this is, of course, a Black and White issue and he is, of course, In The Wrong. She yammers at him until he says something along the lines of being upset because he made her cry, which she takes as a Confession of Wrongdoing. And now she is happy, the heavens have opened up, and we can all move on.
We are tired.
We are also creeped out by the dinner portion of this date, in which Juan Ton wants to know if Norma Cassidy's "heart is melting a little bit."
If Juan Ton cannot see that the Ice Queen persona is a complete act created for him to feel that he has Triumphed by Scaling the Walls of Conflict and Adversity to Attain his Love, he is Dead To Us.
But he apparently does not. Instead, he gives her a pair of his sweatpants, talks about how attracted he is to her, and dances with her in his room.
She gets the rose.
The rose ceremony is finally upon us. As the thunder rolls, the women soberly file into a room and 1:1 time commences. ON THE KITTY.
Nurse Nikki is first up, and immediately pulls down he micro-skirt.
"Why is it that everything Nikki wears requires it to be tugged down?" asks KMu.
We secretly think it's because of the Powers Of The Kitty.
She tells him that she wants a "forever partner" and a "happy ending."
We are pretty sure that Nikki could get her happy ending at any of the many parlors within most American cities. But we don't say that either, because Nurse Nikki has unhinged her jaw and is now kissing Juan Ton.
In subsequent 1:1 times, Juan Ton actually talks to Renee, and then is talked AT by Banana Mouth and Electra. We don't like either of them, but if we had to choose who would be going home, it would be Electra based upon her "scandalously cut mourning dress" of black lace (supplies KMu).
Sure enough, to join The Sharl, Norma Cassidy, and Andi with roses, Juan Ton picks;
1. Nurse Nikki
2. Renee [YAY], and. . .
3. Banana Mouth.
Electra is upset. She cries and admits that she saw herself going to the finish line. She has a "problem," gentle readers, and that "problem" is that all her life, she has been told How Great a Catch she is and how Any Guy Would be Lucky to Have Her. And so she doesn't understand why it keeps Not Happening in her 26 years. We sigh and take a drink.
More interestingly, but no less un-surprising, the Sharl is also upset. She is excited to continue to the next knock-out round, but also doesn't really feel like she has a connection with Juan Ton. She will give it another week, she declares, and then take off.
And where will Juan Ton take us all next week? Bienvenidos a Miami, babies.
-KLo
And now we are at the Huka Lodge, and we are bored. The women are walking around in the verdant magic, and Forever 21 is excited. Norma Cassidy, on the other hand, wants to "feel wanted again." You know, because she didn't feel "wanted" getting the first 1:1 date, having the second group date revolve around her, and making out with The Ton in the ocean. But she swoops down upon date card #1, sure of herself, and reads:
"Andi, let's heat things up."
Says KMu: "Norma Cassidy is going to be on a Lifetime movie. The way she's looking down at that date card looks like she's going to cutta bitch."
"Tomorrow is going to change everything for you" says a voiceless woman. We at the BNU debate whether a producer just read that line from the side of the room, since no one looks like they believe it. Except maybe Forever 21, who tells Renee in a fireside chat later that evening that she feels like for the "longest time" in her 21 years she was content being by herself and focusing on her son, but now She Is Ready, and also, struggling to find someone who values both her AND her son. Renee listens and supports her.
"Renee is too good for this show," says ABe, for All Of Us.
But we're supposed to be paying attention to Andi, in her white jeans and boots, so let's all do that. Oh! Her emotions are bubbling! Oh! This is getting real! We again struggle with boredom until Juan Ton takes her on a "river jet" and the music from Every Cheesy Cop Movie from the 1980s starts. We love this music. Except we are not really liking Andi. There's nothing wrong with her, per se. It's just that she looks miserable and cold and says such things as:
"It's raining. I like rain."
Andi is about to get even wetter, as Juan Pablo informs her that they are going to get into the freezing cold water and walk through "The Squeeze."
First of all, Andi is now wearing this:
When this viewer was a child, her mother tied her mittens to shoe strings and ran said strings through our coat sleeves, so that we would Not Lose Them. Andi has apparently taken the same approach to her bottoms.
Secondly, as we watch Juan Ton, Andi, and Andi's bottoms-on-a-string squeeze through narrower and narrower rocks, KMu speaks the Universal Truth for All of Us:
"This is where I would be left to die."
We secretly think Andi is thinking the same thing. But Andi is in another world entirely, concluding that it "feels so good to be taken care of" by Juan Ton. Because that is what All of Us Want in life: to be Taken Care Of in the middle of wedgity rocks. What does that even mean? And also, as they approach a waterfall and then proceed to dramatically kiss as the water pours down on top of their heads: "It was cold. It was hot. I can't wait to see what tonight brings."
Swimming in a waterfall, to this Viewer, is one of those Romantic Things that are really Less Romantic than they Are Sold To Be, like chocolate-dipped strawberries, in which the choco-shizzle gets all up in your teeth, or kissing while being hit in the face with a fire hose. This Viewer once swam in a waterfall, in a foreign land. We nearly lost a contact and went home vaguely squishy and damp. Happy Valentine's Day, Gentle Readers.
Just to conclude this date, Andi "hopes tonight we have a Beak Through, and Feel It With Each Other." Whatever "It" was that Andi was hoping to Feel, she and Juan Pablo are rained out of their dinner by a Geyser Gushing Forth, leaving us with the following Pearls of Wisdom:
Juan Ton: "Wow, that was A Big One"
ABe: [cackling softly from the sofa]
Andi: "If I didn't have a job or nice things, I'd still be ok as long as I had love"
KMu: "Oh god, another one of those 'live on love' women."
Juan Ton: " I want Love. Somebody. Kids."
Andi: "It's so ironic to be standing next to a geyser, because our chemistry is Bursting Through also."
Really? REALLY? She gets the rose.
Meanwhile back at the resort, the next date card has come for all of the women EXCEPT Norma Cassidy. "Let love roll" the card says. But we don't care because dammit, this means Norma Cassidy gets the 1:1 to follow.
The group date begins in Rotarua, in which the women meet in a field for a picnic. Forever 21 is turning 22 today, making her hopeful for her "fairy tale ending." Oh, Forever 21. Someday, you will realize that the fairy tale ending is the man who scrapes your car when it snows. Not the man who leaves you on sheep poop in the middle of The Shire.
This date involves taking off winter coats and putting on bikinis to roll in giant water-filled balls down the hill.
"How does it end?" asks The Sharl.
"Badly" says Nurse Nikki.
"Are they talking about the balls or this season?" asks KMu.
We at the BNU are amazed, quite frankly, that no one throws up on this date. Nurse Nikki kisses Juan Ton in the ball, as does various other people. And also, Sharleen's swimsuit has some kind of tassles on it. We are terrified.
But C for continue, and so we progress to Hobbit Town, where The Lord of the Rings was filmed. "Juan Ton, won't you take me to [doo doo doo doo] Hobbit Town." we sing softly. As this Viewer secretly loves small houses, we would be disproportionately excited about being the Land O'Hobbits than being with Juan Ton. The Sharl feels as we do, and we don't quite know what to think about that.
Juan Ton immediately pulls Renee away for 1:1 time. YAY!! We love Renee! Except the Ton tells her that she is one of his "special ones."
"What does that even mean?" asks ABe.
After a momentary pang of fear that Juan Ton means "special" as in the Urban Chickens from Juan Ton Part 5, this Viewer concludes that Renee is "special" to Juan Ton because she is a mom, not because she has any kind of particular hold on JT. We feel sad for her, and also raise our mini-bottle of wine in her direction as, in what must be a Bachelor first, Renee talks about another contestant without being nasty about her: Renee explains that she and Forever 21 had a moment of missing their kids.
1:1 time with Nurse Nikki involves a bejeweled navajo blanket of a mini-skirt, which Juan Ton promptly covers with a quilt. Undeterred, Nurse Nikki starts out: "It's kinda scary and hard to be here. . . "
"OMG, she's going to be 'tortured' again," mutters KMu in annoyance.
The whole damsel-working-through-hard-and-scary-things apparently works for Juan Ton, as extensive tongue follows from there. We at the BNU are Grossed Out.
Meanwhile, 1:1 time with The Sharl is just. .. awkward. Juan Ton doesn't even attempt to talk to her, immediately launching towards her face. The Sharl breaks free, scoots away, and begins talking avidly about Hobbit Town and not knowing "what he thinks. or what she thinks. Or what they think together.'
"Don't think. Make the best of this" croons Juan Ton to The Sharl.
"Did he really just say that?" asks ABe.
"Yes, while stroking her face," confirms KMu. "But in fairness, that was a really polite way to tell her to shut up."
At long last, it is 1:1 time with Forever 21. She launches into a speech about needing a father figure for her son, and how he is a great guy, and we feel nervous. In a voice over, Renee says that as much as she would like a rose, she feels like Forever 21 needs it more. But Juan Ton doesn't have that in mind, as he gently lets her go, explaining that he wishes they were "in the same chapter" but they are not.
Forever 21 cries in the limo, and then ABC ruins it by playing some kind of weepy love song about mysic music and also, bullshit. When This Viewer was in college, we made a mix tape filled with sad love songs so that if we were sad, We Could Wallow. We don't know whether to be pleased or traumatized that ABC has continued the tradition.
Randomly, the Sharl gets the rose on this date.
At last it is the date we have been dreading: 1:1 with Norma Cassidy. We will make this brief. Norma Cassidy still wants to hash it out over the night-swimming thing that they have already talked about three times. Essentially, she wants an apology from him because this is, of course, a Black and White issue and he is, of course, In The Wrong. She yammers at him until he says something along the lines of being upset because he made her cry, which she takes as a Confession of Wrongdoing. And now she is happy, the heavens have opened up, and we can all move on.
We are tired.
We are also creeped out by the dinner portion of this date, in which Juan Ton wants to know if Norma Cassidy's "heart is melting a little bit."
If Juan Ton cannot see that the Ice Queen persona is a complete act created for him to feel that he has Triumphed by Scaling the Walls of Conflict and Adversity to Attain his Love, he is Dead To Us.
But he apparently does not. Instead, he gives her a pair of his sweatpants, talks about how attracted he is to her, and dances with her in his room.
She gets the rose.
The rose ceremony is finally upon us. As the thunder rolls, the women soberly file into a room and 1:1 time commences. ON THE KITTY.
Nurse Nikki is first up, and immediately pulls down he micro-skirt.
"Why is it that everything Nikki wears requires it to be tugged down?" asks KMu.
We secretly think it's because of the Powers Of The Kitty.
She tells him that she wants a "forever partner" and a "happy ending."
We are pretty sure that Nikki could get her happy ending at any of the many parlors within most American cities. But we don't say that either, because Nurse Nikki has unhinged her jaw and is now kissing Juan Ton.
In subsequent 1:1 times, Juan Ton actually talks to Renee, and then is talked AT by Banana Mouth and Electra. We don't like either of them, but if we had to choose who would be going home, it would be Electra based upon her "scandalously cut mourning dress" of black lace (supplies KMu).
Sure enough, to join The Sharl, Norma Cassidy, and Andi with roses, Juan Ton picks;
1. Nurse Nikki
2. Renee [YAY], and. . .
3. Banana Mouth.
Electra is upset. She cries and admits that she saw herself going to the finish line. She has a "problem," gentle readers, and that "problem" is that all her life, she has been told How Great a Catch she is and how Any Guy Would be Lucky to Have Her. And so she doesn't understand why it keeps Not Happening in her 26 years. We sigh and take a drink.
More interestingly, but no less un-surprising, the Sharl is also upset. She is excited to continue to the next knock-out round, but also doesn't really feel like she has a connection with Juan Ton. She will give it another week, she declares, and then take off.
And where will Juan Ton take us all next week? Bienvenidos a Miami, babies.
-KLo
posted by KLo @ 5:31 AM
2 Comments:
Totally laugh out loud awesome, as usual. Thank you! Have to ask - how did the BNU react to the footage during the credits, wherein JT starts a "sheep poop" fight on the group date as he and the ladies herd sheep in their bathing suits?
The BNU was HORRIFIED, gentle reader. HORRIFIED.
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