Juan Ton Part 3: The Hidden Noodle
On this day, a Hazy Set of Years Ago, This Viewer's sister, SHa, was born. And today, on her Very Special Milestone Birthday, We and the Ice Capades would like to Honor SHa with a Moving Interpretive Skate Embodying our Childhood:
Guess which one you are, SHa.
And also, this guy wants to say Happy Birthday too:
ABe found him in a Box In The Garage. You Are Welcome, and also, We love you, SHa!!!
We jump into Juan Ton Part 3 with the women talking about the last rose ceremony. We are trying to pay attention, except we have been Reunited And It Feels So Good with KMu and ABe. As we survey the Crime Scene of chocolate wrappers and wine accoutrement rapidly multiplying before us, we know that we will Get Through This Episode or Kill Ourselves with Sugar trying.
But then here is Chris Harrison, in a confusing button down shirt that is navy on top, including the sleeves, and royal blue on the bottom . . .including the sleeves. We secretly think he looks like he is wearing a Mesh Short Sleeve Midriff -Baring Shirt, circa That Guy This Viewer Dated Once Until We Discovered Said Shirt and Also His Membership In the John Birch Society. Blah Blah The Harrison talks about two 1:1 dates and a group date. We try to care.
Forever 21 gets the first date. "Love is a Wild Ride." But more to the point, we did not, until this very moment, know that one could buy a water-proof shorts romper. We are aghast.
"It looks like a windbreaker," says we.
"For the body" concludes KMu.
It is red, and zips up the front, and has an elastic expandable waist in the back (omg, Mom Jeans, and also pockets. And also is made of windbreaker material. AND ALSO: shorts. We did not know that Forever 21 secretly grew up in 1983.
Forever 21 is giddy: "I haven't been on a first date since I was 18!!" she says about 10 times. So, three years ago she went on a first date. And now she has a 2 year old. Gentle readers, you do the math.
Anyway, she gets even MORE giddy when they get in a car. . . that is really a boat!!!! "I thought it was like a car, but it's a water car!!!" says she. Across the miles, we receive a message from DOe: "If he picks Forever 21, I am done." But Juan Ton is so excited to be with Forever 21. They go zipping around in the water with the car, up and down. And up, and down . And Up. And Down. She squees with excitement, but This Viewer just feels sick.
Several years ago, we went on a Dubai Adventure with our friend KZi, in which there was a Drive Up and Down Sand Dunes Really Fast in Jeeps component. And it was At That Moment that we realized, in our hearts, we are Very Old, and do not like the going up and down and also, the nausea. The idea of vomiting in the sand amongst strangers does not Warm Us. Though we didn't, in the end, we secretly wonder if Forever 21 might.
Blah blah they go to a yacht, which they immediately jump off only to kiss against the water car. And then we are back at Juan Ton's house, and they are cooking dinner, and Forever 21 is wanting to learn about Juan Ton's "secret pasta."
KMu pronounces: "This is the kind of date that I would want, and not just because of the water car."
We whisper: "You want his Secret Pasta?
Whispers KMu back: "Oooh, the Hidden Noodle."
We secretly wonder if "Drunken Noodle" is more likely, as they attempt to dance after dinner. We observe that Forever 21 looks like a Horse Backing Up when she dances.
They talk about their kids, Juan Ton talks about her beauty, they eat Venezuelan chocolate, and she gets the rose.
Meanwhile, back at the house, we are sick of Elise the 1st Grade Teacher. She confides to Renee (who we love, All Of Us), that her mom died. But before she died, her mother wrote a letter to the Bachelor asking that her daughter, Teaches &Cream, be invited on the show to Find True Love. Only, it was Never Sent.
We think about this. We are pretty sure Our Mother's letter went something along the lines of: "Please don't let any of them marry a twit from television."
But now it's group date time! "Let's kick it" says the card. And it is for Sharleen the opera singer, Lucy, the Dog Lover, some person named Danielle, Andi the prosecutor, Chris-Kristy, Lauren the musician, and Nurse Nikki. There were probably some others, but we are very tired. And of course, it is El Futbol. Because, gentle readers, in order for The Women To Know His Soul, Juan Ton must show him that he is "1/2 Camila, and 1/2 Futbol."
We are surprised that Sharleen is wearing pippy longstocking braids. So, when this viewer was in her 20s, we dated a person whose father was named "Verlyn." And we would sing "Oooooh, la la la la lookin' good Verlyn" and it would Make Our Boyfriend Crazy. We secretly think he did not Appreciate Country Music. Which one should, if one's father is named Verlyn. IN ANY EVENT, we cannot say that Sharleen is looking good in this getup, though she does look 20 years younger.
We don't know what to say about the soccer match itself. The Dog Lover pronounces that it would be her Worst Nightmare if she would break a leg. Or worse, Her Nose. KMu secretly thinks it would Improve Her, as none of us like the Dog Lover. Sharleen gets hit a bunch, and then the game is over and we think the red team won, but no one can remember because we're all having champagne.
And now it's time for the 1:1s. First up: Nurse Nikki.
"Why's she wearing such a long skirt?" asks KMu, as we all hold our breath:
Nurse Nikki confesses her fear of "getting hurt" and we wonder why she doesn't have A Lot More Fears, including but not limited to walking out in the world with MudFlaps on Display. And then we realize that, at age 27, she has not yet acquired any manner of mudflap. We take a drink.
But now Juan Ton is having 1:1 time with Ooooo, la la la lookin' good Sharleen. Except she is not, really, because she is wearing some kind of spandex dress with no back that is also short and also "made out of bed canopy material," finishes KMu. This Viewer is All for Repurposing. But we Think that Sharleen may have taken things a little too far, if she is fashioning dresses out of Bed Canopies for Little Girls. "You are not Julie Andrews," we whisper. And also, "Your name is not VonTrap."
But there is more to come. Juan Ton is completely enamored of The Sharl. Yet she is stiff and kind of awkward. And then they kiss and is is NOT OKAY. Lord almighty, Juan Ton appears to be a reasonably decent kisser under normal circumstances. At least, This Viewer can Watch Him Get His Kissing On and not be totally grossed out. Except what happens here is like two grasshopper tongues jockeying for position. ABe screams from the sofa. We quickly look away.
Nurse Nikki gets the rose on this date.
But Teaches & Cream is not happy. She has been left alone at the house, and it is either her OR banana-mouth Chelsea, the "Science educator" who is getting the next 1:1. Teaches & Cream is insistent that BMC is too young, at a mere 24 years of age, for El Bachelor. But she, at the ripe age of 27, is PERFECT.
And the date card comes for . . ..banana mouth. Ooooo, SNAP.
"Do you trust me," it says.
We cringe, as that is pretty much what Men of an Inappropriate Age say when trying to lure you into their condominium to see their "comfortable furniture."
This date is uninteresting. They eat venezuelan food. A lot of it. And then jump off a bridge together in a tandem ankle bungee. We at the BNU discuss the likelihood that BMC and Juan Ton are going to sprinkle a bit of Venezuela underneath the bridge because that is EXACTLY what we would do if we ate a bunch of fried food and then hung upside down.
But now they are kissing, upside down, and we do not see the attraction. And then this happens at dinner:
BMC: "What are your fears???"
Juan Ton: "Not being a good example for my daughter."
BMC: "I am afraid of being unhappy. "
Dear BMC, you are 24. At 24, this viewer was living in a trailer in the woods, promising herself it was Not Too Late to Find Joy and Happiness. Flash forward . . . .a number of years. . . and this viewer has now mastered the art of Crying Silently At Our Desk while reading articles about Retiring Early.
She gets the rose, as they dance to "Hey Girl" by Billy Carington. We wonder WTF is going on with Mr. Carington that he is here. Blech.
Flash forward to the next day, and Juan Ton has decided to sneak into the Ladies' Manse and Make Them a Venezuelan Breakfast. We love that he can cook. And not just cereal. But the Dog Lover is Making Us Crazy. She is the first to discover him, as she takes her dog out for a morning wizzle, and skuttles past him hiding her face and refuses to get close.
"My grandma told me to Never Let a Man See You Without Your Face" says she. And she is horrified because she is in Her Glasses, and also, No Makeup.
We look at our own glasses and lack of makeup and sigh.
Other women are faring better, including Norma Cassidy, who looks "adorable" in her pajamas to Juan Ton. We sniff. We still don't like her.
The Ton has a surprise in store for them today, however! Lo, tho it is a Rose Ceremony Day, he is proposing a Pool Party instead. Good for him, except amidst the chicken fighting and the swimsuit lounging and the weird bikinis that No One Wears In Real Life, Juan Ton is spending his time comforting various women about their insecurities. As is Renee. We wish that Renee would leave this show and find some one worthy. But no, The Sharl is crying into Juan Ton's shoulder because this she cannot handle the cameras. And Renee is chasing Norma Cassidy into the bathroom to dry her tears over her fear that Juan Ton may not Love Her As Much As She Loves Him after 1.5 weeks, and we just decide to lift our pen because we Cannot. Just. . . .No.
So then The Harrison shows back up, and then there is a rose ceremony and ABC has made all the women get into their dresses anyway. We don't care, except that they must be Truly Heinous because ABC will only show the ladies from the necks down. And Juan Ton picks, to join (1) Forever 21, (2) Nurse Nikki, and (3) Banana-Mouth Chelsea with roses:
1. Andi, wearing a bedsheet with St. Patty's day sparkles to hold it up.
2. Renee. YAY.
3. The Dog Lover. BOO.
4. The Sharl. In this:
5. Teaches & Cream. Sigh.
6. Electra. Who we forgot to mention was very possessive at the pool party, but otherwise uninteresting.
7. Alli. We think she is a nanny?
8. Norma Cassidy. NOOOO.
9. Lauren the musician.
10. Danielle. No idea.
Lucy and Chris-Kristy go home. Oh! We don't really feel bad for Chris-Kristy, but we wish for all good things for Lucy, who says that she hopes everyone finds what they are looking for, and we believe her.
Stay tuned for next week, when there is drama, and also, some other stuff.
-KLo
Guess which one you are, SHa.
And also, this guy wants to say Happy Birthday too:
ABe found him in a Box In The Garage. You Are Welcome, and also, We love you, SHa!!!
We jump into Juan Ton Part 3 with the women talking about the last rose ceremony. We are trying to pay attention, except we have been Reunited And It Feels So Good with KMu and ABe. As we survey the Crime Scene of chocolate wrappers and wine accoutrement rapidly multiplying before us, we know that we will Get Through This Episode or Kill Ourselves with Sugar trying.
But then here is Chris Harrison, in a confusing button down shirt that is navy on top, including the sleeves, and royal blue on the bottom . . .including the sleeves. We secretly think he looks like he is wearing a Mesh Short Sleeve Midriff -Baring Shirt, circa That Guy This Viewer Dated Once Until We Discovered Said Shirt and Also His Membership In the John Birch Society. Blah Blah The Harrison talks about two 1:1 dates and a group date. We try to care.
Forever 21 gets the first date. "Love is a Wild Ride." But more to the point, we did not, until this very moment, know that one could buy a water-proof shorts romper. We are aghast.
"It looks like a windbreaker," says we.
"For the body" concludes KMu.
It is red, and zips up the front, and has an elastic expandable waist in the back (omg, Mom Jeans, and also pockets. And also is made of windbreaker material. AND ALSO: shorts. We did not know that Forever 21 secretly grew up in 1983.
Forever 21 is giddy: "I haven't been on a first date since I was 18!!" she says about 10 times. So, three years ago she went on a first date. And now she has a 2 year old. Gentle readers, you do the math.
Anyway, she gets even MORE giddy when they get in a car. . . that is really a boat!!!! "I thought it was like a car, but it's a water car!!!" says she. Across the miles, we receive a message from DOe: "If he picks Forever 21, I am done." But Juan Ton is so excited to be with Forever 21. They go zipping around in the water with the car, up and down. And up, and down . And Up. And Down. She squees with excitement, but This Viewer just feels sick.
Several years ago, we went on a Dubai Adventure with our friend KZi, in which there was a Drive Up and Down Sand Dunes Really Fast in Jeeps component. And it was At That Moment that we realized, in our hearts, we are Very Old, and do not like the going up and down and also, the nausea. The idea of vomiting in the sand amongst strangers does not Warm Us. Though we didn't, in the end, we secretly wonder if Forever 21 might.
Blah blah they go to a yacht, which they immediately jump off only to kiss against the water car. And then we are back at Juan Ton's house, and they are cooking dinner, and Forever 21 is wanting to learn about Juan Ton's "secret pasta."
KMu pronounces: "This is the kind of date that I would want, and not just because of the water car."
We whisper: "You want his Secret Pasta?
Whispers KMu back: "Oooh, the Hidden Noodle."
We secretly wonder if "Drunken Noodle" is more likely, as they attempt to dance after dinner. We observe that Forever 21 looks like a Horse Backing Up when she dances.
They talk about their kids, Juan Ton talks about her beauty, they eat Venezuelan chocolate, and she gets the rose.
Meanwhile, back at the house, we are sick of Elise the 1st Grade Teacher. She confides to Renee (who we love, All Of Us), that her mom died. But before she died, her mother wrote a letter to the Bachelor asking that her daughter, Teaches &Cream, be invited on the show to Find True Love. Only, it was Never Sent.
We think about this. We are pretty sure Our Mother's letter went something along the lines of: "Please don't let any of them marry a twit from television."
But now it's group date time! "Let's kick it" says the card. And it is for Sharleen the opera singer, Lucy, the Dog Lover, some person named Danielle, Andi the prosecutor, Chris-Kristy, Lauren the musician, and Nurse Nikki. There were probably some others, but we are very tired. And of course, it is El Futbol. Because, gentle readers, in order for The Women To Know His Soul, Juan Ton must show him that he is "1/2 Camila, and 1/2 Futbol."
We are surprised that Sharleen is wearing pippy longstocking braids. So, when this viewer was in her 20s, we dated a person whose father was named "Verlyn." And we would sing "Oooooh, la la la la lookin' good Verlyn" and it would Make Our Boyfriend Crazy. We secretly think he did not Appreciate Country Music. Which one should, if one's father is named Verlyn. IN ANY EVENT, we cannot say that Sharleen is looking good in this getup, though she does look 20 years younger.
We don't know what to say about the soccer match itself. The Dog Lover pronounces that it would be her Worst Nightmare if she would break a leg. Or worse, Her Nose. KMu secretly thinks it would Improve Her, as none of us like the Dog Lover. Sharleen gets hit a bunch, and then the game is over and we think the red team won, but no one can remember because we're all having champagne.
And now it's time for the 1:1s. First up: Nurse Nikki.
"Why's she wearing such a long skirt?" asks KMu, as we all hold our breath:
Nurse Nikki confesses her fear of "getting hurt" and we wonder why she doesn't have A Lot More Fears, including but not limited to walking out in the world with MudFlaps on Display. And then we realize that, at age 27, she has not yet acquired any manner of mudflap. We take a drink.
But now Juan Ton is having 1:1 time with Ooooo, la la la lookin' good Sharleen. Except she is not, really, because she is wearing some kind of spandex dress with no back that is also short and also "made out of bed canopy material," finishes KMu. This Viewer is All for Repurposing. But we Think that Sharleen may have taken things a little too far, if she is fashioning dresses out of Bed Canopies for Little Girls. "You are not Julie Andrews," we whisper. And also, "Your name is not VonTrap."
But there is more to come. Juan Ton is completely enamored of The Sharl. Yet she is stiff and kind of awkward. And then they kiss and is is NOT OKAY. Lord almighty, Juan Ton appears to be a reasonably decent kisser under normal circumstances. At least, This Viewer can Watch Him Get His Kissing On and not be totally grossed out. Except what happens here is like two grasshopper tongues jockeying for position. ABe screams from the sofa. We quickly look away.
Nurse Nikki gets the rose on this date.
But Teaches & Cream is not happy. She has been left alone at the house, and it is either her OR banana-mouth Chelsea, the "Science educator" who is getting the next 1:1. Teaches & Cream is insistent that BMC is too young, at a mere 24 years of age, for El Bachelor. But she, at the ripe age of 27, is PERFECT.
And the date card comes for . . ..banana mouth. Ooooo, SNAP.
"Do you trust me," it says.
We cringe, as that is pretty much what Men of an Inappropriate Age say when trying to lure you into their condominium to see their "comfortable furniture."
This date is uninteresting. They eat venezuelan food. A lot of it. And then jump off a bridge together in a tandem ankle bungee. We at the BNU discuss the likelihood that BMC and Juan Ton are going to sprinkle a bit of Venezuela underneath the bridge because that is EXACTLY what we would do if we ate a bunch of fried food and then hung upside down.
But now they are kissing, upside down, and we do not see the attraction. And then this happens at dinner:
BMC: "What are your fears???"
Juan Ton: "Not being a good example for my daughter."
BMC: "I am afraid of being unhappy. "
Dear BMC, you are 24. At 24, this viewer was living in a trailer in the woods, promising herself it was Not Too Late to Find Joy and Happiness. Flash forward . . . .a number of years. . . and this viewer has now mastered the art of Crying Silently At Our Desk while reading articles about Retiring Early.
She gets the rose, as they dance to "Hey Girl" by Billy Carington. We wonder WTF is going on with Mr. Carington that he is here. Blech.
Flash forward to the next day, and Juan Ton has decided to sneak into the Ladies' Manse and Make Them a Venezuelan Breakfast. We love that he can cook. And not just cereal. But the Dog Lover is Making Us Crazy. She is the first to discover him, as she takes her dog out for a morning wizzle, and skuttles past him hiding her face and refuses to get close.
"My grandma told me to Never Let a Man See You Without Your Face" says she. And she is horrified because she is in Her Glasses, and also, No Makeup.
We look at our own glasses and lack of makeup and sigh.
Other women are faring better, including Norma Cassidy, who looks "adorable" in her pajamas to Juan Ton. We sniff. We still don't like her.
The Ton has a surprise in store for them today, however! Lo, tho it is a Rose Ceremony Day, he is proposing a Pool Party instead. Good for him, except amidst the chicken fighting and the swimsuit lounging and the weird bikinis that No One Wears In Real Life, Juan Ton is spending his time comforting various women about their insecurities. As is Renee. We wish that Renee would leave this show and find some one worthy. But no, The Sharl is crying into Juan Ton's shoulder because this she cannot handle the cameras. And Renee is chasing Norma Cassidy into the bathroom to dry her tears over her fear that Juan Ton may not Love Her As Much As She Loves Him after 1.5 weeks, and we just decide to lift our pen because we Cannot. Just. . . .No.
So then The Harrison shows back up, and then there is a rose ceremony and ABC has made all the women get into their dresses anyway. We don't care, except that they must be Truly Heinous because ABC will only show the ladies from the necks down. And Juan Ton picks, to join (1) Forever 21, (2) Nurse Nikki, and (3) Banana-Mouth Chelsea with roses:
1. Andi, wearing a bedsheet with St. Patty's day sparkles to hold it up.
2. Renee. YAY.
3. The Dog Lover. BOO.
4. The Sharl. In this:
6. Electra. Who we forgot to mention was very possessive at the pool party, but otherwise uninteresting.
7. Alli. We think she is a nanny?
8. Norma Cassidy. NOOOO.
9. Lauren the musician.
10. Danielle. No idea.
Lucy and Chris-Kristy go home. Oh! We don't really feel bad for Chris-Kristy, but we wish for all good things for Lucy, who says that she hopes everyone finds what they are looking for, and we believe her.
Stay tuned for next week, when there is drama, and also, some other stuff.
-KLo
posted by KLo @ 4:32 AM
2 Comments:
I think I have my final three....opera singer, ADA and BMC.
Venezuelan chocolates I read over there? Simply the best!
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