Desiree WSBB Part 5: In Which We Are Tired Of It All
We begin Desiree WSBB in a place we all wish we could be, and KMu was lucky enough to visit. And by that, we mean Munich, Germany, and not the pee-soaked train on which the men are traveling, like loud and stereotypical americans, in said city. John Boy is pumped to be here because he's Always Wanted to Travel. We think two of the other guys are holding hands. At any rate, when Chris Harrison meets the group in a plaza to tell them that there will be 1 group date, one 1:1 date, and one 2:1 date, we wonder which three guys will be on the 2:1 date.
John Boy sees Desiree WSBB and bats his eyes: "I would happily in Germany kiss you" he says.
"I didn't think it would be possible for him to out-douche himself," says KMu.
Soon, we are celebrating, because the first date card has come, and it is for Chris! We love Chris! But suddenly, ABC has interrupted our programming with LIVE SUPER MEGA ULTIMATE WIZARD DOPPLER and for 45 minutes all that we hear is "Babies, THIS IS A THUNDERSTORM. See here are some lighting strikes. And also, RAIN. And even though it will all be over in 5 minutes, we care so much about you, our viewer, that we are going to Invade Your Sacred Space with our fancy Live Super Mega Ultimate Wizard Doppler and Stay With You Forever. LOOK. LOOK HOW FANCY WE ARE."
This Viewer is Eating Her Emotions, taking aim on ABe's chocolate covered pretzels with Unbridled Viciousness. And by the time ABC decides that Rain Is Not An Emergency and We Can All Now Carry On, the BNU has missed two of the three dates and we are all now feeling Vaguely Sick. Fortunately, ABC posts things online, and so this is what we missed:
"In Munich, we will fall in love with each other," says the date card for Chris. And Gentle Readers, We Do Fall in Love with Chris (All of Us). It is both Desiree and Chris's first time in Europe, but armed with guide book, they are touring Munich on foot. Oh! A Market with a Scary Clown! Oh! A Sausage made to look like Shriveled Bull Bits But that is Allegedly Made of Cow! Let's both eat it at the same time! Oh! Lederhosen and a milkmaid costume! We can be corny AND sexy! Stars, they are Just Like Us!!!
But trouble is brewing at home because Caesar is feeling Worse and Worse. Back at the hotel, he tells the men (who are mysteriously wearing matching velour track jackets), that his feelings are not progressing, and that he is going to go home. Like, right now. In the middle of Desiree's date with Chris. Because that is the mature and considerate way to handle things.
Soon, we are watching Caesar stalk through the streets of Munich Like a Kitty. He finds Desiree, whisks her away from Chris and into a dark alley where they sit on pigeon encrusted steps and he tells her he is Just Not That Into Her. Desiree cries. But aside from the Caeser-is-an-Asshat aspect of this event, we learn two things:
1) Juan Ton can speak English (he is worried this will impact her, as he tells the other guys). We wish we would see more of Juan Ton.
2) Chris, For The Win. Because, while he is not happy about losing time with Desiree while she is saying goodbye to Caesar, his "main concern is if Des is upset" so that he can "figure out how to alleviate that." WE LOVE CHRIS.
Over a lunch of perfectly enormous beers, Chris coaxes Desiree to open up a little more about the Caesar thing, because he wants to make sure she is okay and believes communication is important. And we love him more, because he is normal and nice and also, a Color Found In Nature. And then he and Desiree are stumbling along the sidewalk on their way to dinner, and we cannot decide if we like her dress. It is lavender, and spangly, and super super tight. This Viewer would look like a Pier One Christmas Ornament in this dress. And also, There Would Not Be Enough Spanx In the World. Yet it somehow works on Desiree.
In any event, Chris is happy to just sit and talk with Desiree over dinner. He tells her that he is in a place that he just wants to be in a relationship and start a family. She explains that her last boyfriend (Pringles?? Some other dude??) was a bad communicator. And then. . . Chris whips out a poem. It is a Little Rhyme-y . And it includes the world "girls."
This Viewer once had a Long Distance Boyfriend. We were 19, he was 18 (yes, we are A Cougar). And he thought it would be Deeply Meaningful to send this Viewer an 8 1/2 by 11" sheet of paper that had been Burned Around The Edges, Soaked in His Cologne, and which said something like "My Lady, Thou Art The Fairest" in a flowery scroll. Babies, he had his English professor help him with the words. We are fairly confident that, like this Viewer, said English professor laughed until he or she cried and knew that this relationship was Not Going To Work.
We hope that Desiree is not feeling that way about Chris. We are comforted when he gets the rose, and then they dance and laugh with each other to the smooth song stylings of some guy named Matt White. We like Chris, specious poetry and all, because he understands that humor can be High Romance.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, date card #2 has come: "Will you climb the highest mountain for me?" it says. Oooo, it is a group date, for everyone BUT Hot Fuzz and John Boy. Hot Fuzz goes all I'm-a-Fancy Lawyer about it: "There is more than enough evidence to convict [John Boy] of fraud. In this gladiator setting, I need to go murder [him]."
This is exactly the kind of ridiculous battle cry that makes this Viewer so very, very tired of lawyers. And also, Hot Fuzz looks like a terrier.
Thank God for the group date, even if HashTag is on it ("Look at that hot snow bunny!" says he). We are mildly interested to know that they will be taking a gondola to the highest point in Germany, a/k/a the Cliffs of Despair. Drew, condescendingly, is more excited to watch Desiree than the scenery, as she has "never seen anything like this before." We think Drew looks like a Ken doll.
And then the group meets a yodeler. While all of the men try their hand at The Yodel, we secretly love Juan Ton's approach the best. And also, he says "yodel" with as much accenty awesomeness as this viewer's husband, MCo, says "veg-et-able." We are endeared.
But soon we are scared (All of Us), for the next plan is for them to all go sledding down a black diamond ski slope, and directly off the Cliffs of Despair. On teeny, tiny little sleds that look like joysticks. Somebody is going to end up a eunuch and/or with bloody teeth. But Abs is concluding that "Love is like sledding down a hill. On day 1, we all pushed off and said 'let's go!" And we are horrified by the cheesiness of this analogy, and by the snowball fight that ensues thereafter, and generally by this entire date. Because really, and aside from going into a completely awesome igloo/snow fort in which this Viewer would happily live, we are non-plussed by all of the guys on this date, grossed out by Beefy James and his fake hyper-vigilance around Desiree (warning bells, sister. The guy is a fake), sad that Mikey T. the plumber thinks she's going to move back to Chicago with him and have a family of 5, traumatized by Brooks Brothers' hair and all product associated therewith, and generally feel as follows: When. Will. It. End.
The only, only part of this date of any interest is that Abs thought he was going to be A PRIEST when he was in college. So he took a soul-searching journey on a one-way ticket to Europe, climbed a mountain, and realized that no, he could not be alone his entire life. And so "for the last 10 years" he has been searching for a woman.
We could make so many, many jokes, but we will refrain.
Brooks Brothers gets the rose on this date.
At last, it is the 2:1 date that we have all been dreading, with both Hot Fuzz and John Boy. We don't particularly like either of them, and secretly wish Desiree WSBB will send them both home. John Boy is going to look at it like "a 1:1 date with Desiree, where Hot Fuzz is just a spectator." He intends to be a "good Christian man." Hot Fuzz, on the other hand, feels like this is "armageddon" and he is "ready to boil" because he "wants to see the other guys again" (WHAT?). *Thank Goodness* that Hot Fuzz is here, and that Desiree has "entrusted" him to show why John Boy is a fraud, because the poor silly dear is just too naive to figure it out on her own. We hiss at Hot Fuzz.
Hot Fuzz repeatedly strains at his choke collar throughout this date. They meet Desiree and his first words are, "I think John Boy knows I like to be confrontational." Later in the "Hot Tug" (boat instead of tub, ridiculous), Hot Fuzz asks John Boy what happened to his baby mama and talks pointedly about his father was not a presence in his own life. At dinner, Hot Fuzz tells John Boy that no one likes him in the house, attacks John Boy for not going to church, and suggests that he is using his son to manipulate Desiree. John Boy walks away from the table, Desiree tells Hot Fuzz to back the hell off, and we at the BNU are just Sick Of the Whole Thing. And also, if we hear Hot Fuzz talk about how he's going to "defend and protect Desiree's honor" One More Time We Will Start Throwing Things. Because that doesn't have a damn thing to do with what Hot Fuzz is doing. We despise lawyers.
"I'll be the Man. Who Will Fight. For Your Honor. I'll Be The Hero. You'vebeendreamingof!!" sing ABe and KMu. This Viewer eats another pretzel.
While John Boy is ickity, we actually think he is handling the situation reasonably well . . .until, In A Shocking Twist, HE GETS SENT HOME!!! What??? And then he asks the camera how long until he can be seen in public with someone else, and declares that he intends to party it up on his last night in Munich [insert maniacal laughter].
We simply cannot believe that Hot Fuzz got the rose. While John Boy is a toad, we agree with him that "that was a fool decision." But it doesn't really matter in the end, since neither of these turkeys should be around more than another 2 weeks.
At last it is the rose ceremony. "Why hello, black swan," we think upon seeing Desiree's dress. It is black. and one-shouldered (we despise a one-shouldered dress). And has some kind of spangle/chicken wing thing going on. And she is wearing it with a cape. That may or may not have a hood. We wonder if she has escaped her governess a party to Rendezvous With A Wicked Man.
Blah Blah, she tells Chris Harris she is falling for multiple guys. Blah blah, she does not need a rose ceremony to decide who is going home. As The Harrison demands "are you sure? Are you Really Sure?" There are all manner of rumblings in the back room because Drew and HashTag heard Beefy James tell Mikey T that Beefy James owns Chicago already, and if he makes it to the final 4, he and Mikey T can Rule It Even More and take Tall and Exotic Ladies on Lake Michigan, and that Beefy James will be the next Bachelor, and and and . . .we are so tired, particularly when Drew starts talking about how Beefy James bothers him because Drew is a man of strong moral integrity.
"Pretty sure you aren't, if you have to bring it up," mutters KMu.
And to join Chris (yay), Brooks Brothers, and Hot Fuzz with roses, Desire picks;
1. Abs
2. HashTag
3. Juan Ton
4. Drew
5. Beefy James. Ew.
Drew is all pissed about Beefy James! Mikey T is going home! He is sad. We have moved on.
Stay tuned for next week, when they go to Barcelona, we can hope to finally hear more from Juan Ton, and there is some kind of confrontation regarding Beefy James. Bleeeech.
-KLo.
John Boy sees Desiree WSBB and bats his eyes: "I would happily in Germany kiss you" he says.
"I didn't think it would be possible for him to out-douche himself," says KMu.
Soon, we are celebrating, because the first date card has come, and it is for Chris! We love Chris! But suddenly, ABC has interrupted our programming with LIVE SUPER MEGA ULTIMATE WIZARD DOPPLER and for 45 minutes all that we hear is "Babies, THIS IS A THUNDERSTORM. See here are some lighting strikes. And also, RAIN. And even though it will all be over in 5 minutes, we care so much about you, our viewer, that we are going to Invade Your Sacred Space with our fancy Live Super Mega Ultimate Wizard Doppler and Stay With You Forever. LOOK. LOOK HOW FANCY WE ARE."
This Viewer is Eating Her Emotions, taking aim on ABe's chocolate covered pretzels with Unbridled Viciousness. And by the time ABC decides that Rain Is Not An Emergency and We Can All Now Carry On, the BNU has missed two of the three dates and we are all now feeling Vaguely Sick. Fortunately, ABC posts things online, and so this is what we missed:
"In Munich, we will fall in love with each other," says the date card for Chris. And Gentle Readers, We Do Fall in Love with Chris (All of Us). It is both Desiree and Chris's first time in Europe, but armed with guide book, they are touring Munich on foot. Oh! A Market with a Scary Clown! Oh! A Sausage made to look like Shriveled Bull Bits But that is Allegedly Made of Cow! Let's both eat it at the same time! Oh! Lederhosen and a milkmaid costume! We can be corny AND sexy! Stars, they are Just Like Us!!!
But trouble is brewing at home because Caesar is feeling Worse and Worse. Back at the hotel, he tells the men (who are mysteriously wearing matching velour track jackets), that his feelings are not progressing, and that he is going to go home. Like, right now. In the middle of Desiree's date with Chris. Because that is the mature and considerate way to handle things.
Soon, we are watching Caesar stalk through the streets of Munich Like a Kitty. He finds Desiree, whisks her away from Chris and into a dark alley where they sit on pigeon encrusted steps and he tells her he is Just Not That Into Her. Desiree cries. But aside from the Caeser-is-an-Asshat aspect of this event, we learn two things:
1) Juan Ton can speak English (he is worried this will impact her, as he tells the other guys). We wish we would see more of Juan Ton.
2) Chris, For The Win. Because, while he is not happy about losing time with Desiree while she is saying goodbye to Caesar, his "main concern is if Des is upset" so that he can "figure out how to alleviate that." WE LOVE CHRIS.
Over a lunch of perfectly enormous beers, Chris coaxes Desiree to open up a little more about the Caesar thing, because he wants to make sure she is okay and believes communication is important. And we love him more, because he is normal and nice and also, a Color Found In Nature. And then he and Desiree are stumbling along the sidewalk on their way to dinner, and we cannot decide if we like her dress. It is lavender, and spangly, and super super tight. This Viewer would look like a Pier One Christmas Ornament in this dress. And also, There Would Not Be Enough Spanx In the World. Yet it somehow works on Desiree.
In any event, Chris is happy to just sit and talk with Desiree over dinner. He tells her that he is in a place that he just wants to be in a relationship and start a family. She explains that her last boyfriend (Pringles?? Some other dude??) was a bad communicator. And then. . . Chris whips out a poem. It is a Little Rhyme-y . And it includes the world "girls."
This Viewer once had a Long Distance Boyfriend. We were 19, he was 18 (yes, we are A Cougar). And he thought it would be Deeply Meaningful to send this Viewer an 8 1/2 by 11" sheet of paper that had been Burned Around The Edges, Soaked in His Cologne, and which said something like "My Lady, Thou Art The Fairest" in a flowery scroll. Babies, he had his English professor help him with the words. We are fairly confident that, like this Viewer, said English professor laughed until he or she cried and knew that this relationship was Not Going To Work.
We hope that Desiree is not feeling that way about Chris. We are comforted when he gets the rose, and then they dance and laugh with each other to the smooth song stylings of some guy named Matt White. We like Chris, specious poetry and all, because he understands that humor can be High Romance.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, date card #2 has come: "Will you climb the highest mountain for me?" it says. Oooo, it is a group date, for everyone BUT Hot Fuzz and John Boy. Hot Fuzz goes all I'm-a-Fancy Lawyer about it: "There is more than enough evidence to convict [John Boy] of fraud. In this gladiator setting, I need to go murder [him]."
This is exactly the kind of ridiculous battle cry that makes this Viewer so very, very tired of lawyers. And also, Hot Fuzz looks like a terrier.
Thank God for the group date, even if HashTag is on it ("Look at that hot snow bunny!" says he). We are mildly interested to know that they will be taking a gondola to the highest point in Germany, a/k/a the Cliffs of Despair. Drew, condescendingly, is more excited to watch Desiree than the scenery, as she has "never seen anything like this before." We think Drew looks like a Ken doll.
And then the group meets a yodeler. While all of the men try their hand at The Yodel, we secretly love Juan Ton's approach the best. And also, he says "yodel" with as much accenty awesomeness as this viewer's husband, MCo, says "veg-et-able." We are endeared.
But soon we are scared (All of Us), for the next plan is for them to all go sledding down a black diamond ski slope, and directly off the Cliffs of Despair. On teeny, tiny little sleds that look like joysticks. Somebody is going to end up a eunuch and/or with bloody teeth. But Abs is concluding that "Love is like sledding down a hill. On day 1, we all pushed off and said 'let's go!" And we are horrified by the cheesiness of this analogy, and by the snowball fight that ensues thereafter, and generally by this entire date. Because really, and aside from going into a completely awesome igloo/snow fort in which this Viewer would happily live, we are non-plussed by all of the guys on this date, grossed out by Beefy James and his fake hyper-vigilance around Desiree (warning bells, sister. The guy is a fake), sad that Mikey T. the plumber thinks she's going to move back to Chicago with him and have a family of 5, traumatized by Brooks Brothers' hair and all product associated therewith, and generally feel as follows: When. Will. It. End.
The only, only part of this date of any interest is that Abs thought he was going to be A PRIEST when he was in college. So he took a soul-searching journey on a one-way ticket to Europe, climbed a mountain, and realized that no, he could not be alone his entire life. And so "for the last 10 years" he has been searching for a woman.
We could make so many, many jokes, but we will refrain.
Brooks Brothers gets the rose on this date.
At last, it is the 2:1 date that we have all been dreading, with both Hot Fuzz and John Boy. We don't particularly like either of them, and secretly wish Desiree WSBB will send them both home. John Boy is going to look at it like "a 1:1 date with Desiree, where Hot Fuzz is just a spectator." He intends to be a "good Christian man." Hot Fuzz, on the other hand, feels like this is "armageddon" and he is "ready to boil" because he "wants to see the other guys again" (WHAT?). *Thank Goodness* that Hot Fuzz is here, and that Desiree has "entrusted" him to show why John Boy is a fraud, because the poor silly dear is just too naive to figure it out on her own. We hiss at Hot Fuzz.
Hot Fuzz repeatedly strains at his choke collar throughout this date. They meet Desiree and his first words are, "I think John Boy knows I like to be confrontational." Later in the "Hot Tug" (boat instead of tub, ridiculous), Hot Fuzz asks John Boy what happened to his baby mama and talks pointedly about his father was not a presence in his own life. At dinner, Hot Fuzz tells John Boy that no one likes him in the house, attacks John Boy for not going to church, and suggests that he is using his son to manipulate Desiree. John Boy walks away from the table, Desiree tells Hot Fuzz to back the hell off, and we at the BNU are just Sick Of the Whole Thing. And also, if we hear Hot Fuzz talk about how he's going to "defend and protect Desiree's honor" One More Time We Will Start Throwing Things. Because that doesn't have a damn thing to do with what Hot Fuzz is doing. We despise lawyers.
"I'll be the Man. Who Will Fight. For Your Honor. I'll Be The Hero. You'vebeendreamingof!!" sing ABe and KMu. This Viewer eats another pretzel.
While John Boy is ickity, we actually think he is handling the situation reasonably well . . .until, In A Shocking Twist, HE GETS SENT HOME!!! What??? And then he asks the camera how long until he can be seen in public with someone else, and declares that he intends to party it up on his last night in Munich [insert maniacal laughter].
We simply cannot believe that Hot Fuzz got the rose. While John Boy is a toad, we agree with him that "that was a fool decision." But it doesn't really matter in the end, since neither of these turkeys should be around more than another 2 weeks.
At last it is the rose ceremony. "Why hello, black swan," we think upon seeing Desiree's dress. It is black. and one-shouldered (we despise a one-shouldered dress). And has some kind of spangle/chicken wing thing going on. And she is wearing it with a cape. That may or may not have a hood. We wonder if she has escaped her governess a party to Rendezvous With A Wicked Man.
Blah Blah, she tells Chris Harris she is falling for multiple guys. Blah blah, she does not need a rose ceremony to decide who is going home. As The Harrison demands "are you sure? Are you Really Sure?" There are all manner of rumblings in the back room because Drew and HashTag heard Beefy James tell Mikey T that Beefy James owns Chicago already, and if he makes it to the final 4, he and Mikey T can Rule It Even More and take Tall and Exotic Ladies on Lake Michigan, and that Beefy James will be the next Bachelor, and and and . . .we are so tired, particularly when Drew starts talking about how Beefy James bothers him because Drew is a man of strong moral integrity.
"Pretty sure you aren't, if you have to bring it up," mutters KMu.
And to join Chris (yay), Brooks Brothers, and Hot Fuzz with roses, Desire picks;
1. Abs
2. HashTag
3. Juan Ton
4. Drew
5. Beefy James. Ew.
Drew is all pissed about Beefy James! Mikey T is going home! He is sad. We have moved on.
Stay tuned for next week, when they go to Barcelona, we can hope to finally hear more from Juan Ton, and there is some kind of confrontation regarding Beefy James. Bleeeech.
-KLo.
posted by KLo @ 4:43 AM
2 Comments:
By getting sent home early, Mikey T can get a head start on a Hot Tug on Lake Michigan LLC with Beefy James.
-CPa
Did anyone else notice that they totally appeared to be hanging out inside an ice vagina? Just sayin'.
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