Desiree WSBB Part 3: Wanna be a Baller

Desiree WSBB Part 3 begins with the men all huddled together in the living room, awaiting the first date card.  Chris Harrison, wearing the same horrifying paisley-cuffed shirt from prior episodes, announces that there will be three dates on this episode, 2 group dates and 1 individual date.  But what we really want to know is the following:  

"What's up with gollum?" asks KMu.  

We study the guy with his hoodie pulled up, trying to figure out who it is, and finally concluding that it is Juan Ton.  And, while this viewer frequently Hides Behind Her Hoodie when Depressed, we don't think that may be the best message to send Desiree. 

  

The Harrison leaves, and we learn that the first date is for Chris, Drew,  Brian the Creepy Financial Advisor, Hot Fuzz, Brooks Brothers, Wishbone, Mikey T, Brandon, John Boy, and Zack the book publisher who probably was a pro athlete of some sort.  "Love is a Battlefield."  

Strap on your ripped fishnets, babies, we're Going To Battle.  There may be dancing involved. 

The boys are immediately bundled into Big Foot's Carbon Footprint and whisked to a garage, where they meet Desiree in a her blindingly hot pink and skin tight top, and learn that they are going to Train With Professional Dodgeballers and Dodgeball Their Way to a Date with Desiree.   

Dodgeball was wildly popular with This Viewer's junior high gym teacher.  And while We were not *terrible* at the game, we will never forget that day when 6' 4," 30-year-old-already-shaving 7th grader (or the equivalent) ACar, while awaiting the teacher's whistle to start the game, kicked a dodgeball as hard as he could into this viewer's head from about 10 feet away.  Babies, we did a perfect pirouette that day.   

So it is with fear and trepidation that we watch the Dodgeball Training.  But it is not without a little confusion as well, as this viewer sees a P.O.C.  Wait, weren't all the POCs eliminated from this competition?  As we realize that this particular POC is only a Professional Dodgeballer and not a contestant, we wish that ABC would reconsider their policy of only giving the POCs roles equivalent to "soldier #2 who dies in battle." 

But soon we are confused for another reason.  Hot Fuzz is speaking up.  And he is feeling like a member of the A-Team.  He also wants to "let a few balls rip, and take some guys out." 

"For dinner?" asks KMu, speaking what we are all seriously beginning to wonder about Hot Fuzz. 

Blah blah it is competition time, and the Men Have Been Outfitted as Red Team and Blue Team and are now walking in slow motion towards a cage set up in the middle of a park, US Open style.  Picture 1970s basketball uniforms and their tighty tight little shorts, tank tops, and tube socks.  The awesomeness that these outfits are to This Viewer is possibly only eclipsed by their awesomeness to Hot Fuzz. 

"What time is it? Des Time!" someone says

"Des Des you're dynamite, we'll see you tonight!" chants the Blue Team. 

Meanwhile, Hot Fuzz looks romantically into Brooks Brothers' eyes on the Red Team.  

WTF. 

And soon, it is battle time:
"There are so many balls flying around, it was extremely intense."  says Mikey-T.

"We went balls to he wall" says Drew. 

"This is for all the marbles," says Hot Fuzz. 

ABe is crying with laughter from the sofa as the Blue Balls win game #1, Red Balls win game #2, and then. . . at the start of game 3, things suddenly get serious when Brooks Brothers Goes Down right at the beginning of game #3.   

Babies, Brooks Brothers broke his finger.  And in a very gross way that has to be re-set, causing both Brooks Brothers and This Viewer to pass out.   And while we do not understand why it takes five ambulances to bring him to the hospital or why Hot Fuzz is not there by his side, we give the guy props for how he handles it. 

Blue Balls wins, and they are  soon on a roof-top bar, toasting their "fallen hero" (Brooks Brothers, who was a Red Ball) with Desiree WSBB.  And then, the 1:1 times begin, in which we learn What A Healthy and Stable Group of Men This Is: 

First up is Wishbone:  As Wishbone confesses that he has a three year old son named Maddox, that he is a single dad, that his ex is a drunk and got him arrested for domestic violence when he attempted to take away her keys, we think: 1) that is awful, on various levels, 2) If he says "her and I" one more time This Viewer is Going to bury him in a shallow grave of grammar textbooks, and 3) what is up with the water on this season because that man is Not Straight. 

Next is Chris:   We like Chris, who looks normal, acts normal, and does not appear to do the bowflex and eat 30 egg whites every day.   He takes Desiree WSBB up to the rooftop helipad, where they sit dangling their feet off the edge of a building. This is lovely, although ABe hates Desiree's dress, which is short and spangly/clingy: 

"What is she wearing??" ABe demands.  "It's like that dress that Whitney Houston wears in that movie with Kevin Costner." 

"You mean, 'The BodyGuard." says this viewer. 

"AND I-EEEEE-IIIIIIII will always LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU." sings ABe.  

Finally, we see 1:1 time with Brooks Brothers.  Though he was not a Blue Ball, he gets to come on this date to spend more time with Desiree.  Except he is fresh from the hospital, still wearing his little Dodgeball outfit and hospital bracelet, and totally, completely stoned out of his mind on pain meds.  They kiss under what looks to be a hospital blanket.  Meh. 

In the end, Chris gets the rose, which takes him off guard (yay, Chris!).  They walk to the other corner of the pool party and dance to a private concert by Kate Earle as this date draws to an end:  

"When you're down

Hallucinating on the edge of town

When everybody's let you down. . ." sings she. 

"Downer," thinks This Viewer. 

Except Chris appears to be a reasonable dancer, and as he kisses Desiree WSBB, it is Not Gross.  We are relieved by the number of not gross kissers there on Season Desiree. 

Meanwhile, back at the Bachelor House, date card #2 has come for HashTag:  "Love Defies Gravity."  We really hope that Desiree WSBB turns HashTag into a witch.  We are not looking forward to this date. 

And just like that, it is the next day, and Desiree WSBB is writing in a journal at her own house, waiting for her date with HashTag.  "Ring Ring" whispers someone from stage left, and Desiree goes to the phone. "Yes Chris Harrison? Oh dear!  That is very serious! Yes, let's go confront him right now!" says Desiree.   This is staged and awful, and also she is Not Wearing Any Pants, unless one calls peaches and cream colored spandex jeans "pants."  We hate them. 

Off Chris and Desiree march to the Bachelor House.  And she pulls icky Brian aside:  "blah blah is there anything you want to tell me?  Are you here for the right reasons?" Desiree WSBB demands.  As Brian swears "yeah, definately," Chris Harrison suddenly parades Another Woman through the house.  

Her name is Stephanie. 

And she is allegedly Brian's Girlfriend. 

The drama that ensues is ridiculous.  Stephanie, sensing that she has National Stage, yells at Brian "You told me you weren't going to see anyone else!  We weren't broken up, we were 'on a break'!  You told me you were going on a business trip!! Do you care about my son, my three-year-old son, Donovan, that you have been A Role Model too? Yes, I threw rocks at you, but only because you were A Jerk!!""  

It is all a bit over the top, and we are not convinced that Stephanie is fully sane.  And also, and this is a PSA, Babies:  Do Not Date a Person Who Throws Rocks Past Age Two. 

But then this happens: 

Stephanie:  "And then we slept together 2 days before you left for the show!"

Brian:  "Yes we did." 

Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeecht.  Desiree WSBB sends Brian packing. 

As this scene unfolds, the guys are clucking and pecking at the windows.  

"Hopefully, this doesn't put any doubt in her mind that others aren't here for the right reasons" [everybody drink], says John Boy. 

"Brian, obviously, was not here for the right reasons," [everybody drink], tells Desiree WSBB to her suitors. 

"I'm here for the right reasons," [everybody drink], HashTag pipes up. 

Ahnd jusht lik-a dat, Hasshtag n Deshiree leaf for der date.   Thish Viewer refillsh her wine. 

HashTag and Desiree soon depart for their date, leaving Hot Fuzz and Brandon shirtless in the kitchen making cocktails.  "I've had a lot of men come into my life as father figures.  I've fallen in love with them, and then the're just gone," says Brandon, crying to think about 3-year-old Donovan, to whom Icky Brian was allegedly A Role Model.  And then he turns it into a creepy thing about loving Desiree.  Oh dear.  We wish seeing a counselor was a part of the ABC screening process. 

We barely see the date with HashTag, for which This Viewer is grateful because there is just no Sizzle.  They dance on the side of a building, which is apparently called "bandaloop," and then attempt to sit outside in a violent windstorm.  "I know what we should do!," says Desiree as they are blown sideways, "Let's get in the pool!"  Which lasts 2 minutes until they are soon inside, freezing, and sitting on some steps.  Desiree claims that "him and I had a good time" nonetheless, and HashTag gets the rose on this date.  WHAT?

And now we are on Date #3, with Beefy James, Juan Ton, Abs, Caesar, and some guy named Dan.  "Who's the Lone Man Standing," read the card.  

The men are taken away from Bachelor Ranch on a stage coach, and shortly deposited in front of the Rose and Thorn Saloon, where Desiree WSBB fights with a man while dressed like this: 

Beefy James is excited because he thinks she is in a "beautiful dress from the 1900s."  sigh.  But WE are excited because the guys are going to learn all sorts of stage fighting tricks.  . while dressed like cowboys.  Please, sir, may This Viewer have another?   

All of us at the BMU find Caeser ridiculously cute in his cowboy gear despite our friend BMa claiming that he looks like Jim Carey in Dumb & Dumber.  But the real story is Mystery Man.  Who is this person?  Where did he come from?  Why did we not see him before?  And then we realize: it is Dan.  Dan??? Dan who has not spoken any words thus far this season.  

The guys fake shoot, rope a steer/hay bale, ride a horse, and so forth under the careful guidance of stuntmen for The Lone Ranger (coming soon to theaters near you!) and the movie is plugged shamelessly.  Desiree follows the men around in another white whimsical peasant dress that Jessica McClintock threw up in 1990, found its way to this viewer's sister's closet in 1991, and then to ABC's wardrobe thereafter. 

And in a competition of skillz, Juan Ton wins.  They go to a barn to watch the full movie The Lone Ranger with popcorn (because that is what This Viewer would want to do if she only had 2 hours with a person she was supposed to consider marrying), and then he kisses her.  And it is not gross!!! This Viewer wonders if we are going to make it an entire episode with No Gross Kissing. 

Blah blah, more 1:1 times happen after that.  Beefy James talks about how he has a sick father at home and its difficult for him to be away, Abs makes her laugh, Dan looks hot, . . . and Beefy James gets the rose on this date.  Yick. 

But wait - just when you thought it was time to have the rose ceremony, we must suffer through a Pool Party!!  John Boy is stalking Desiree WSBB, catching her before she enters the house and whisking her away for a drive.  We don't like John Boy, or his International Male tank top, or his day-glo hot pink shorts. We also don't like that he talks about how "girls put me in the Dad zone."  Really?  REALLY?  

Hot Fuzz and Mikey T discover what John Boy is up to, and confront him, and then John Boy lies about having spent any secret 1:1 time with Des.  This is boring and repetitious, so this Viewer will not report it except to note that at one point, Hot Fuzz claims he cannot "unscramble that egg."  

We are more interested in Dan, who is now offering Desiree WSBB some pizza from a box enscribed "Will you be my girlfriend or is this too cheesy?"  We love Dan!!!

But before we can see enough of Dan, Brandon has scared us all.  He takes Desiree WSBB aside, tearfully explains why the story of 3-year-old Donovan upset him, swears he's Never Going To Hurt Desiree, that he is Falling In Love With Her, tells her that she Consumes His Mind, and then forces a kiss.  Dammit.   Desiree is creeped out, as are we, and we think we know where this is heading. 

At last it is the rose ceremony.  Okay, so Desiree is wearing this dress that, in the words of KMu, "looks like she bought a bunch of those glass beads at Pier 1 and glued them to her breastplate."  It is seriously awful.  But in this dress, she picks to join Chris, HashTag, and Beefy James with roses: 

1.  Caesar (yay!)

2.  Juan Ton

3.  Abs

4.  Brooks Brothers

5.  Drew.  Who is this?

6.  Zack the book publisher. 

7.  Wishbone.

8.  Hot Fuzz. 

9.  MIkey T.

10.  John Boy. 

Nooooooo.  While we are not surprised that Brandon gets cut, we are very sad to see Hot Dan go.  Hot Dan takes it like a champ, but Brandon dissolves into tears, telling the camera "once again, someone left me."  Even though Desiree pulls him aside and tries to explain that it's better now than later, he does not understand.  Oh dear. 

Stay tuned for next week, when Desiree and All Men Associated Therewith go to Atlantic City.  

-KLo