Pringles Part 5: Soul Connection

When this viewer was in Junior High, our sister, SHa had this *amazing* shirt that looked like Mr. Peanuts' long tails.  It was button down.  It was cut to the midriff in the front, but with long tails in the back.  And the best part was that SHa would wear this shirt, which was something like dark green with black squishy polka dots, with a brooch and jeans jacket.  We can't really mock this shirt further because of some of the things This Viewer wore in the '80s, but the point of this story is that when Chris Harrison comes out to greet "the ladies" at the beginning of Pringles Part 5, and he is all "I'm an untucked button down!  Look how hip I am!" we whisper "darling, you have NO idea what hip is, for We Have Seen." 

Surprise!! The Harrison informs us that this week will be a 1:1 date, a group date, and the dreaded 2:1 date in . . .. Montana!!! As the chicklets pack their bags, we are treated to an expansive view of mountains and rushing water.  This is all fine, except we wonder why ABC is playing Scottish folk music.  We think of Liam Neeson and wish he was the Bachelor.  ABe doesn't care:  "This is better than African Music from an African Choir," she mutters. 

First there are women on a plane.  Then there are women on a bus.  And finally, the women are at a lodge overlooking both sea plane and bus.  Princess Jasmine "wants to thank Sean for this," and for making all her dreams come true, because this is real life.  

Soon, date card #1 arrives, and it is for the General's Daughter!! "Let Love Soar," says it. "Ooooo," says the women. When Pringles comes to pick the Gen Dau up for this date, we are distracted by the huge plate hanging on an outside wall of the lodge, which makes it look like the women are living in a giant version of a miniature house because No One Would Do That To Their House Unless It Was A Dollhouse. And, when Pringles and the General's Daughter fly off into the woods on a helicopter, we think of the movie Outbreak.  We secretly hope they are taking a helicopter because Our National Safety Depends Upon their ability to shoot darts into the neck of an infected monkey in slow-motion. 

This date is nice, but meh. Pringles and the General's Daughter picnic in the wilderness, and she tells him that "its so crazy that I feel like I know you so well already."  [everybody drink].  They kiss.  He then asks what it was like growing up as an army brat, and she talks about how her father missed her whole adolescence because he was at war.  We feel bad for her.  And also, we suspect that our own father WISHED he missed   our whole adolescence.   

Back at dinner, we are distracted by a discovery:  The General's Daughter has a ginormous tattoo on the inside of her wrist.  We go cross-eyed trying to see what this is, so big and apparently ugly it is.  A dolphin? Bric-a-brac?  We cannot determine, and soon, we can no longer see because the General's Daughter has her leg slung entirely across Pringles and they are once again kissing.  She, of course, gets the rose but there is one more surprise that Whitefish, Montana has to offer!! And it is country singer Sarah Darling, in an impromptu concert in the middle of an abandoned street where a platform just happens to be placed for Pringles and the Gen Dau to dance!! 

". . .you have a heart like Indiana, a laugh like Louisiana . . " Ms. Darling croons. 

"This is why I hate country music," says ABe. 

Except this viewer doesn't, because she lived like, in Michigan.  And no one can live in the sticks of Michigan without developing a fondness for country music.  We suddenly recall caterwauling "Strawberry Wine" as our car barreled past farm fields.  We resolve not to quit our day job. 

But then, Ms. Darling starts singing about how "I wanna be your cigarette . ..I wanna linger on your breath," and this is our thing:  Some comparisons should not be made.   Por ejemplo, when This Viewer was in college, we won 5th place in some suspect national poetry competition.  And though we were published for free, we subsequently learned that others who had entered the competition could be published if they paid to enter.  And the consequent book of poetry that resulted, contained the following poem: 

SHE

had become, over the years, 

much like an old worn-out bra. 

Her white hair and white face and smile

resembled a faded eyelet whose flowers, though scattered, 

were still intact

save a few rubber-like whiskers. 

She was a woman capable of great strength

who carried firmly her own milky breasts

and gave an even firmer hug when she wrapped her arms

underneath my own and clasped her hands.

She was my grandmother,

and I had loved her for so long,

she had been my truest support for so long,

I could not part with her. 

But eventually, her metallic stronghold and elasticity

were loosed, and she was sucked into a natural freedom. 

Even though she is now gone,

she still suspends upon my shoulders,

and when I sag

she presses upon my back.

                                      [author's name redacted to protect the innocent]. 

Babies, Some. Comparisons. Should. NOT. BE. MADE.

And with that, we are off to date #2, which is the group date!! We lose track of the women on this date, but we think they are (red team): Princess Jasmine, Desiree WSBB, Squints, and the First Lady, and (blue team): the PK, the Democrat, Drunken Daniella, and Hillshire.  As the women arrive near a crick, and are handed red and blue "lumberjack" shirts, the following occurs: 

Squints:  "Is that a dog?"

Gentle viewers, there are four goats.  GOATS.  In little wooden kennels. Because guess what: we are doing a lumberjack competition!!  First we canoe!  Then we carry hay bales!  Then we saw through a log!  And then we milk the goat/dog!! And then, THEN, we drink the glass of goat milk and the first team to do so wins the rest of the date with Pringles!!! 

"I don't think that having one arm is going to hold me back today," offers Squints.  "Sister," we tell her, "you have bigger problems."

As the women race through each challenge, ABe speaks for us all:

"This is embarrassing.  As a human." 

And then, as Desiree WSBB chugs a glass of goat milk after (crisis!) the goat initially kicked it over, KMu echoes the refrain:  "I prefer my goat milk NOT straight from the teet." 

At last it is over, and the red team wins.  Blue team is "pissed," and red team doesn't care as they trot off to the rooftop bar.  The rest of this date Annoys Those Of Us at the BNU.  Firstly, there are all manner of Animal Backlit-By-Jekyll-And-Hyde lighting.  Look!  An indescript animal head with a splash of neon blue behind it!  Behold!  A tusk with a neon hot pink glow!  We try not to have a seizure. 

But more importantly, this part of the date may be summed up by:  A bunch of women try to "warn" Pringles about Women Who Are Not Here for the Right Reasons (*cough*Tierra*cough).  He gets annoyed because everyone is being so vague.  He decides to invite the blue team to come join the red team, even though blue team lost the challenge.  Blue team is excited, red team is in tears.  The Democrat wears a Polka-Dot Abomination.  The First Lady is going to cutta bitch.  Tierra Firma, who is NOT on this date, sneaks into it in order to remind Pringles that she is "sensitive" and wants to "follow her heart" with him.  The PK tells Pringles they have a "soooooooouuuuuulllll connection."   And in 1:1 time with Desiree WSBB, This Viewer hears Desiree WSBB tell Pringles that "A fairy told me"  something.  WTF.  ABe clarifies that she in fact said, "a fairy tale to me."  Oh.  Fairy Tale. 

 . . . AND . . . Drunken Daniella gets the rose, which we cannot but feel is the wrong move because she is wearing a puce dress and a sweater with giant ruffles. 

Off we are to date #3, which is the dreaded 2:1 date for Tierra Firma and Jackie the Makeup Lady. "Love is a Wild Ride!!" says the card.  And it is accompanied by another card from Chris Harrison:  "Two women, one rose. One stays, one goes.'" Jackie is toast. 

Tierra Firma, with the evil laugh we are all becoming tired of, crows that Jackie 'has no idea" that Tierra basically secured the rose on this date by sneaking into the last group date.  As they canter off on horses, Jackie's horse trails behind Tierra and Pringles, and Tierra vows to "ignore her."  And then, breaking ABe's Cardinal Rule (Though Shalt Not Tattle On the Other Women), Jackie wastes her 1:1 time on this date complaining about, and warning Pringles about, Tierra after initially stating that she does not gossip.  

At this point, This Viewer believes that none of these women should be getting roses.  If Pringles likes Tierra, that's his own Ox to gore.  If he likes someone else, he will pick that person.  MOVE ON, ladies. 

Tierra, as we anticipated, pulls it out in the end by telling a story about how she was with the same man for five years until he died in 2009 (so, she was with him through high school? Tierra Firma is only 24).  He was in an out of rehab, but she stuck with him.  Pringles is moved by this story, and feels like it explains why she is so vulnerable.  We secretly think it explains why Tierra is addicted to drama.   But in the end, Pringles gives Tierra the rose, and Jackie goes home with ANOTHER warning to "be careful" about the other women. 

At last, it is the rose ceremony.   As we survey the battle field, we think only two things; 

1) If stuffed turkeys could talk, the one in the corner would have a mouthful. 

2) Tierra Firma is going to show us ladybit any minute.  We wish she would utter the affirmation declared by baby EMu just this evening, so that we could all rest easy:  "I have underwear in my pants!!!"

We are exhausted by this rose ceremony.  There are more pitched battles between Tierra and the other women.  The First Lady, Democrat, and Hillshire all confront Tierra, which is unbelievably pointless as Tierra already has a rose and none of the three others do.  Tierra goes apeshit.  Other women warn Pringles about Tierra.  We just stop listening after awhile until Pringles tells Chris Harrison that the entire week in Montana did nothing to help him clarify whether His Wife Is Here Or Not.  

And in the end, with doubt weighing Heavily Upon Him, Pringles picks to join the General's Daughter, Drunken Daniella, and Tierra with roses: 

1.  Princess Jasmine

2.  Hillshire

3.  The Democrat

4.  The PK

5. Squints, aaaaand

6.  Desiree WSBB

It was a wild ride, First Lady, but you already lasted one episode longer than any other POC.  

Stay tuned for tonight, when we relive the torture again. 

-KLo