Dolly Pemily Part 8: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
We at the BNU *love* home town date week for a variety of reasons, chief among them that ABC spends so much time "looking back" at the relationships DP has had with her four remaining swains (you know, in case we forget their rich history together) that we can have a comfortable gossip with our fellow voting members. So we passed the first 20 minutes or so of DP Season 8 not really paying attention, except to note the Truly Heinous Skull Shirt worn by DP, as she Little Ricky welcomes her back home from her adventures in Prague.
But now we are in Chicago with CorpChris! He is "in his element" in Chicago, gentle readers, and in his Members Only Windbreaker. "Boo!" says DP as she "sneaks up" on CorpChris from behind to meet him.
Sayeth ABe: "Well, that was staged."
They spend the day wandering around Chicago, before ducking into a Completely Empty Bar to awkwardly drink beer and talk about what happened on their last date. We suspect that CorpChris is doomed, as one should not, on one's fourth date with a Future Spouse, fill the empty space where conversation is supposed to be by recapping what happened on one's last date. "Remember that time you danced for your life and I gave you that rose? Yeah, yeah that was fun."
Turns out CorpChris is first generation Polish American, and everyone is biligual in their family. Upon hearing this news, We Are Torn. On the one hand, we are impressed with this unanticipated cultural depth of a man who can only otherwise be described as Captain Cardboard. On the other hand, and having lived and dated in "The Region," we know that if Dolly Pemily marries this man, she will be Entering a Cloistered World of Sandwich Meats and Pickled Herring.
Nonetheless, we try to keep an open mind as we meet Dad John, Mom Rose, and sisters Renee and Theresa. ABe and This Viewer conclude that the Dad is Hot, in a strange way and despite the gold chain. KMu is horrified: "What is wrong with you??? You can like Dad, but Dad is Not Hot." But Dad has endeared us in his 1:1 time with The Dolly, noting that CorpChris calls or texts him every day to check in, and that he would do his level best to love and support DP. Meanwhile, in 1:1 time between CorpChris and Mama, Rose tells him that The Dolly is his type, and to "kick ass."
We favor the advice of another Mama Rose to a colleague upon the eve of his marriage: "Separate bank accounts and separate bathrooms."
So blah blah 1:1 time with Corp's sisters, which aptly may be summed up by the following:
KMu: "Cut 'im loose, says sister Renee."
But CorpChris is in for the long haul, saying to DP as they kiss goodbye that she "makes him feel good. Crazy good.". .. and that he Loves Her! Somehow this segues into dancing with people dressed in Polish costumes on a backyard deck, as this particular date fades to black.
Our next stop is in Utah, for a date in which we are much more interested. As with all hipsters who studiously mimic the "Poor But Still Fashionable Student" set while secretly having a roll of wadded bills in their bedroom, we are wholly unshocked to find that Jef(f) meets Dolly Pemily at the "Holmstead Ranch," his family's fancy and ginormous compound abutting a national preserve. She is wearing what ABe can only describe as a CupCake Cup. He is wearing jeans that are so skinny that they have ZIPPERS at the ankles. We hate these jeans.
Jef(f) trundles The Dolly into a Jurassic Park Mobile to explore the property, off-road style. But not before he gives her a lovely kiss. Lord help us all, we still like Jef(f). We like him even more when he takes DP shooting, skeet and then targets.
So, this Viewer has had exactly two shooting experiences. Firstly, we tried All Manner of Guns and shot All Manner of Skeet at the FBI Steak Fry. And here is Our Thing (All of Us): The thought of Shooting All Manner of Target for the first time while being surrounded by Federal Agents Trained to Kill at an absurdly named cook-out still elicites a high pitched nervous giggle from this Viewer. The second time this viewer shot a gun, it was appropriately in the backwoods of Ohio at empty soda bottles which had once Doubled As a Spitoon in their chequered past.
But The Dolly, bless her, is an excellent shot. Like a true southern lady, she takes lessons at home. We secretly wonder if she also subscribes to "Garden & Gun," the next magazine which will Totally Be Coming To This Viewer's House after our subscription to Town & Country ends.
Jef(f), as we predicted, is still having to climb out of the hole he dug for himself by announcing that he once dumped a woman solely because his family didn't like her. This understandably makes DP nervous, as she is about to meet his brothers and sisters, Steve, Mike Melissa, and Julie, and a passel of their children. Jef(f)'s parents are allegedly doing "charity work" *coughMormonEvangelismcough* in another state. His youngest sister is on her obligatory mission trip oversees. With the remaining family members, The Dolly hopes she will "do good today." Dear Dolly, you do WELL, and you look GOOD. We wonder if we could get hired by ABC as the Grammar Police.
None of the family 1:1 time is that exciting. With the parents being gone, oldest brother Steve feels the need to assume that role. He and DP talk about the importance of a life being built on solid principles, and the fact that staying in love means that you may not always like each other, but always love each other. And then Steve says this: "Love is not an investment, it's an adventure." We at the BNU are not entirely sure that these two things are mutually exclusive, but whatever. In the end, Steve believes that DP and Jef(f) complement each other well, though we are a little concerned when, in subsequent 1:1 time, Steve carefully tells Jef(f) that he could see Jef(f) throwing himself into a family "if it were the RIGHT woman . . . . " but that he otherwise has never seen Jef(f) so inclined.
The women pounce on DP in their own 1:1 time. We don't take much away from this except for the following facts:
(1) every one of them is wearing false eyelashes, and
(2) they suggest she should move to Utah.
Welcome to the Borg, Dolly.
But then Jef(f) and DP are having their own 1:1 time, and he has written her possibly the sweetest letter ever, all about how he loves her and wants to do all of these things as a family with Ricky. And we don't even care if he Reads It To Her Instead of Allowing her to Read the Damn Thing Herself. The Dolly is touched. WE are touched. As this date ends, they awkwardly makeout on an unzipped sleeping bag overlooking a quarry, because that is naturally What One Does when receiving such a lovely note, Verbally Recited or Otherwise.
At this point, we are losing track of how many men and dates we must go through to cross the finish line in DP Part 8. .. but we muscle through to date #3 in Scottsdale, AZ with Hot Wheels. Everything we do, Babies, we do it All For You.
Naturally, DP meets Hot Wheels at the racetrack, where he is zooming around in an Indy car. Dolly Pemily feels that he is "Stupid Hot," but We at the BNU agree with KMu's conclusion that Hot Wheels' hair annoys us more than Jef(f)'s.
We hate the predictability of this segment, as Hot Wheels has Dolly "suit up," which really means a teeny tank top and unzipped racing suit, in order to drive with him around the track. We still like DP, but at this point we are getting a little sick of her totally-devoid-of-all-emotion-delivery.:
"That was a lot of fun."
Sigh. And then: double Sigh, for Hot Wheels has taken the Dolly somewhere for her third picnic this week, where he narrowmindedly warns her that she might not get along with his parents because "you are all american, and my parents are European. Your values might not be the same." Dear Hot Wheels: if you are seriously so ashamed/worried about bringing an american woman home because of what she represents/her education level/her values, why the hell are you doing it?
We don't see much on the rest of this date. We meet Dad Arie, Mom Mika, twin brother s Luca and Alec, and sister Mida. They rudely talk in Dutch to each other without translating to the Dolly for some time. Mom is wearing a sequined bra under a bath towel, and takes the Dolly to a bedroom for 1:1 time. "This is where the magic happens," whispers ABe.
But even though we didn't think we would like this family much, in the end they all seem to warm up. We even like Mom, and forgive her top. As Hot Wheels and the Dolly kiss goodbye, Hot Wheels is thrilled that "Emily and I's relationship" is going strong. RAGE.
Finally, we are at The Main Event: Our date with Sean. We had forgotten about Sean, but now we feel the Burning Rage as ABC forces us all to view him, in all his tight t-shirted glory, posing with his dogs (a/k/a his 'little girls') in a Field Redolent of Wild Flower, waiting for the DP. And DP does not disappoint. As she steps out of a car in wedge heels and a Scarf Cut Up to Her Chamber of Secrets, we hold our breath and pray for no wind.
After picking flowers and playing with Sean's Little Girls, Sean and DP settle down for a fireside chat about his dating history. Gentle readers, Sean once dated a "girl" for three years, and she was the "sweetest thing." However, he found he "could not reciprocate." That's right, babies. And after this three-year long relationship of "non-reciprocation," he "made a promise to himself" that he would not "allow" a "girl" to "give herself to him" if he could "not reciprocate." So, you know, the "next time that happens," (translation: the "giving of" himself), she will know that he will "love her for eternity."
So, what this Viewer is getting is the following:
1) After three years of "non-reciprocation" with his girlfriend, Sean felt pressure to consumate the deal, so to speak.
2) After said consummation, he fled.
3) Hence forth, Sean has explained his singleness by claiming to be in Search of a Rare and Perfect Love with a Mythical Woman while his real motivation is the fear having to "reciprocate" ever again.
In the words of our friend MBe, Sean is so far in the closet, he's in Narnia.
Dolly Pemily does not take the hint. She blissfully concludes that he has no skeletons, and allows him to lead her away to meet Mom Sherry, Dad Jay, sister Shay, and brother Andrew, along with more children. Most of the remaining family interaction on this date involves Sean "pranking" Dolly Pemily that he lives at home with his parents still. As this is so annoying, We at the BNU enact a boycott.
But we are compelled to report that in 1:1 time with Dad Jay, Sean explains that "what most attracted him" to DP is that she is a "sweet sweet woman." He doesn't "normally give himself" to "girls,' but with Dolly Pemily, it's different. Says Sean to Dad: "I've learned so much about myself on this journey. Dad is overjoyed, and believes there to be magic in the air. Yes, and when Sean conjures the White Queen out of the back of his bureau, don't say this Viewer Did Not Tell You so. In the words of Sean's mother during their own 1:1 time, " You like her! I'm sort of surprised!"
At last, we are at the rose ceremony. Dolly Pemily is lovely in royal blue, despite the "tennis bracelet" that ABe dislikes around her midsection. As Chris Harrison recaps the weeks' dates, Dolly tearfully admits that she does not know what she is going to do this evening. The betting book is going Fast and Furious at the BNU, with the majority agreeing that DP will axe either CorpChris or Sean.
She picks:
1) Hot Wheels
2) Jef(f), and . . ..
3) Sean!
Confirming the correctness of this decision, CorpChris does not take his exit in good grace. He demands and explanation, indignantly states "I told you I loved you!" and demands "how much faster could it go?" when she explains that their relationship was not progressing as the others. "I'm 10x the man those other dudes are" he declares sulkily as the limo drives him away. We are bored.
Stay tuned for next week, when we go to the Caribbean on Magical Overnight Dates! Oooooo.
-KLo
But now we are in Chicago with CorpChris! He is "in his element" in Chicago, gentle readers, and in his Members Only Windbreaker. "Boo!" says DP as she "sneaks up" on CorpChris from behind to meet him.
Sayeth ABe: "Well, that was staged."
They spend the day wandering around Chicago, before ducking into a Completely Empty Bar to awkwardly drink beer and talk about what happened on their last date. We suspect that CorpChris is doomed, as one should not, on one's fourth date with a Future Spouse, fill the empty space where conversation is supposed to be by recapping what happened on one's last date. "Remember that time you danced for your life and I gave you that rose? Yeah, yeah that was fun."
Turns out CorpChris is first generation Polish American, and everyone is biligual in their family. Upon hearing this news, We Are Torn. On the one hand, we are impressed with this unanticipated cultural depth of a man who can only otherwise be described as Captain Cardboard. On the other hand, and having lived and dated in "The Region," we know that if Dolly Pemily marries this man, she will be Entering a Cloistered World of Sandwich Meats and Pickled Herring.
Nonetheless, we try to keep an open mind as we meet Dad John, Mom Rose, and sisters Renee and Theresa. ABe and This Viewer conclude that the Dad is Hot, in a strange way and despite the gold chain. KMu is horrified: "What is wrong with you??? You can like Dad, but Dad is Not Hot." But Dad has endeared us in his 1:1 time with The Dolly, noting that CorpChris calls or texts him every day to check in, and that he would do his level best to love and support DP. Meanwhile, in 1:1 time between CorpChris and Mama, Rose tells him that The Dolly is his type, and to "kick ass."
We favor the advice of another Mama Rose to a colleague upon the eve of his marriage: "Separate bank accounts and separate bathrooms."
So blah blah 1:1 time with Corp's sisters, which aptly may be summed up by the following:
KMu: "Cut 'im loose, says sister Renee."
But CorpChris is in for the long haul, saying to DP as they kiss goodbye that she "makes him feel good. Crazy good.". .. and that he Loves Her! Somehow this segues into dancing with people dressed in Polish costumes on a backyard deck, as this particular date fades to black.
Our next stop is in Utah, for a date in which we are much more interested. As with all hipsters who studiously mimic the "Poor But Still Fashionable Student" set while secretly having a roll of wadded bills in their bedroom, we are wholly unshocked to find that Jef(f) meets Dolly Pemily at the "Holmstead Ranch," his family's fancy and ginormous compound abutting a national preserve. She is wearing what ABe can only describe as a CupCake Cup. He is wearing jeans that are so skinny that they have ZIPPERS at the ankles. We hate these jeans.
Jef(f) trundles The Dolly into a Jurassic Park Mobile to explore the property, off-road style. But not before he gives her a lovely kiss. Lord help us all, we still like Jef(f). We like him even more when he takes DP shooting, skeet and then targets.
So, this Viewer has had exactly two shooting experiences. Firstly, we tried All Manner of Guns and shot All Manner of Skeet at the FBI Steak Fry. And here is Our Thing (All of Us): The thought of Shooting All Manner of Target for the first time while being surrounded by Federal Agents Trained to Kill at an absurdly named cook-out still elicites a high pitched nervous giggle from this Viewer. The second time this viewer shot a gun, it was appropriately in the backwoods of Ohio at empty soda bottles which had once Doubled As a Spitoon in their chequered past.
But The Dolly, bless her, is an excellent shot. Like a true southern lady, she takes lessons at home. We secretly wonder if she also subscribes to "Garden & Gun," the next magazine which will Totally Be Coming To This Viewer's House after our subscription to Town & Country ends.
Jef(f), as we predicted, is still having to climb out of the hole he dug for himself by announcing that he once dumped a woman solely because his family didn't like her. This understandably makes DP nervous, as she is about to meet his brothers and sisters, Steve, Mike Melissa, and Julie, and a passel of their children. Jef(f)'s parents are allegedly doing "charity work" *coughMormonEvangelismcough* in another state. His youngest sister is on her obligatory mission trip oversees. With the remaining family members, The Dolly hopes she will "do good today." Dear Dolly, you do WELL, and you look GOOD. We wonder if we could get hired by ABC as the Grammar Police.
None of the family 1:1 time is that exciting. With the parents being gone, oldest brother Steve feels the need to assume that role. He and DP talk about the importance of a life being built on solid principles, and the fact that staying in love means that you may not always like each other, but always love each other. And then Steve says this: "Love is not an investment, it's an adventure." We at the BNU are not entirely sure that these two things are mutually exclusive, but whatever. In the end, Steve believes that DP and Jef(f) complement each other well, though we are a little concerned when, in subsequent 1:1 time, Steve carefully tells Jef(f) that he could see Jef(f) throwing himself into a family "if it were the RIGHT woman . . . . " but that he otherwise has never seen Jef(f) so inclined.
The women pounce on DP in their own 1:1 time. We don't take much away from this except for the following facts:
(1) every one of them is wearing false eyelashes, and
(2) they suggest she should move to Utah.
Welcome to the Borg, Dolly.
But then Jef(f) and DP are having their own 1:1 time, and he has written her possibly the sweetest letter ever, all about how he loves her and wants to do all of these things as a family with Ricky. And we don't even care if he Reads It To Her Instead of Allowing her to Read the Damn Thing Herself. The Dolly is touched. WE are touched. As this date ends, they awkwardly makeout on an unzipped sleeping bag overlooking a quarry, because that is naturally What One Does when receiving such a lovely note, Verbally Recited or Otherwise.
At this point, we are losing track of how many men and dates we must go through to cross the finish line in DP Part 8. .. but we muscle through to date #3 in Scottsdale, AZ with Hot Wheels. Everything we do, Babies, we do it All For You.
Naturally, DP meets Hot Wheels at the racetrack, where he is zooming around in an Indy car. Dolly Pemily feels that he is "Stupid Hot," but We at the BNU agree with KMu's conclusion that Hot Wheels' hair annoys us more than Jef(f)'s.
We hate the predictability of this segment, as Hot Wheels has Dolly "suit up," which really means a teeny tank top and unzipped racing suit, in order to drive with him around the track. We still like DP, but at this point we are getting a little sick of her totally-devoid-of-all-emotion-delivery.:
"That was a lot of fun."
Sigh. And then: double Sigh, for Hot Wheels has taken the Dolly somewhere for her third picnic this week, where he narrowmindedly warns her that she might not get along with his parents because "you are all american, and my parents are European. Your values might not be the same." Dear Hot Wheels: if you are seriously so ashamed/worried about bringing an american woman home because of what she represents/her education level/her values, why the hell are you doing it?
We don't see much on the rest of this date. We meet Dad Arie, Mom Mika, twin brother s Luca and Alec, and sister Mida. They rudely talk in Dutch to each other without translating to the Dolly for some time. Mom is wearing a sequined bra under a bath towel, and takes the Dolly to a bedroom for 1:1 time. "This is where the magic happens," whispers ABe.
But even though we didn't think we would like this family much, in the end they all seem to warm up. We even like Mom, and forgive her top. As Hot Wheels and the Dolly kiss goodbye, Hot Wheels is thrilled that "Emily and I's relationship" is going strong. RAGE.
Finally, we are at The Main Event: Our date with Sean. We had forgotten about Sean, but now we feel the Burning Rage as ABC forces us all to view him, in all his tight t-shirted glory, posing with his dogs (a/k/a his 'little girls') in a Field Redolent of Wild Flower, waiting for the DP. And DP does not disappoint. As she steps out of a car in wedge heels and a Scarf Cut Up to Her Chamber of Secrets, we hold our breath and pray for no wind.
After picking flowers and playing with Sean's Little Girls, Sean and DP settle down for a fireside chat about his dating history. Gentle readers, Sean once dated a "girl" for three years, and she was the "sweetest thing." However, he found he "could not reciprocate." That's right, babies. And after this three-year long relationship of "non-reciprocation," he "made a promise to himself" that he would not "allow" a "girl" to "give herself to him" if he could "not reciprocate." So, you know, the "next time that happens," (translation: the "giving of" himself), she will know that he will "love her for eternity."
So, what this Viewer is getting is the following:
1) After three years of "non-reciprocation" with his girlfriend, Sean felt pressure to consumate the deal, so to speak.
2) After said consummation, he fled.
3) Hence forth, Sean has explained his singleness by claiming to be in Search of a Rare and Perfect Love with a Mythical Woman while his real motivation is the fear having to "reciprocate" ever again.
In the words of our friend MBe, Sean is so far in the closet, he's in Narnia.
Dolly Pemily does not take the hint. She blissfully concludes that he has no skeletons, and allows him to lead her away to meet Mom Sherry, Dad Jay, sister Shay, and brother Andrew, along with more children. Most of the remaining family interaction on this date involves Sean "pranking" Dolly Pemily that he lives at home with his parents still. As this is so annoying, We at the BNU enact a boycott.
But we are compelled to report that in 1:1 time with Dad Jay, Sean explains that "what most attracted him" to DP is that she is a "sweet sweet woman." He doesn't "normally give himself" to "girls,' but with Dolly Pemily, it's different. Says Sean to Dad: "I've learned so much about myself on this journey. Dad is overjoyed, and believes there to be magic in the air. Yes, and when Sean conjures the White Queen out of the back of his bureau, don't say this Viewer Did Not Tell You so. In the words of Sean's mother during their own 1:1 time, " You like her! I'm sort of surprised!"
At last, we are at the rose ceremony. Dolly Pemily is lovely in royal blue, despite the "tennis bracelet" that ABe dislikes around her midsection. As Chris Harrison recaps the weeks' dates, Dolly tearfully admits that she does not know what she is going to do this evening. The betting book is going Fast and Furious at the BNU, with the majority agreeing that DP will axe either CorpChris or Sean.
She picks:
1) Hot Wheels
2) Jef(f), and . . ..
3) Sean!
Confirming the correctness of this decision, CorpChris does not take his exit in good grace. He demands and explanation, indignantly states "I told you I loved you!" and demands "how much faster could it go?" when she explains that their relationship was not progressing as the others. "I'm 10x the man those other dudes are" he declares sulkily as the limo drives him away. We are bored.
Stay tuned for next week, when we go to the Caribbean on Magical Overnight Dates! Oooooo.
-KLo
posted by KLo @ 3:50 AM
2 Comments:
Hilarious, as always! Can we talk about Sean's horrible kissing ability? At one point last night, he licked DP's face. He is creepy.
OOOOOOHHHHHH boy.....best line ever "he's so far in the closet he's in Narnia." That comment ranks right up there with the Dr. Verde comment from the Wombat season. Brilliant BNU, just brilliant.
By the way, who picks up after all these picnics?
For the first time, I can't come up with a clear cut favorite...all have issues.
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