Dolly Pemily Part One: Amish Romance
Gentle viewers, season Dolly Pemily begins as an Amish lovestory. That's right: as their "image" for this season, ABC has pictured DP among the wheat, Heroically Holding her Child as she Looks Forward to Her New Future, Alone Yet Strong after the death of Her Everything. All we need is a jealous woman laying in wait to beat the crap out of DP with a pipe while the evil town drunkard secretly stares at her through a peephole, and we would have the first (and last) americana romance that this viewer read. But, we firmly suspect that all of these things will be "coming up, on season Dolly Pemily," anyway. Yay!
So here we are with Dolly Pemily and her daughter Ricky. Oh! They are playing in the grass in pink and red pants! Oh! They are on the swingset in the same pants! "My swing must be broken," concludes DP as she is unable to achieve liftoff during said swingscapade. "No," sayeth KMu, "You are just top heavy." And that is when we realize: there is something new about Dolly Pemily, and it is either a serious wonderbra, or homegirl bought her some extra padding. It may look "good" now, DP, but just remember that in 50 years, those suckers will be swinging like tetherballs.
We are not Girl Enough for the onslaught of pink which continues to attack our eyeballs as we get to know our Bachelorette. Ricky is brushing her teeth in pink jammies, before Dolly Pemily helps her into a pink-pillowed bed. DP herself is wearing some sort of pink flashdancy sweatshirt around the house and to make pancakes in the morning. But all is not well in this pink household. For in the evenings, gentle viewers, Dolly Pemily gets "really lonely." We see her wandering around her pink house, looking at a magazine, and then finally going up to her bedroom. "Click. Buzzzzzzzzzzz." says one member of the BNU staff who shall not be named as her mother reads this blog.
After DP on a horse, and flashbacks to her relationship with the Wombat, we are finally ready to have an awkward transition to some of the men ABC has chosen for Our Lady. Really, this episode is awful because of all the listmaking it requires, so let's just get it over with:
1. Kelon, a 27 year old self professed "reformed womanizer" who seems to think it makes it all better to further describe himself as "young, fun, goodlooking, with a few dollars in my pocket." Darling, if you must use those adjectives for yourself, you are none of the above (except young), and also, your job as as a "luxury brand consultant" means you fold shirts in the Gucci store.
2. Ryan, a former pro football player who now owns a sports facility and has hair like moss on a rock.
3. Tony from Beavertown, who is a lumber trader. Ahaaaa. And also, a single dad.
4. BEHOLD. A POC!!! Levone, a real estate consultant with a little dog, has seriously rocked the whiteness of this show. That lawsuit must be getting to ABC. But rest assured, babies -- we know that no amount of hotness will get him past the fourth round.
5. David, a NY hipster singer/songerwriter that we know is going to annoy the shizzles out of us (all of us), as he caterwauls "Emmmmilllyyyyyy wa-ooooohhhhhh" on the piano, with a sound-over of him rattling on and on about the Dolly being the "quintessential perfect woman." We know your type, Peter Pan man, and we do not like you.
6. Charlie, a recruiter who recently fell 15 feet when a deck collapsed, breaking several ribs and sustaining a serious brain injury. We like Charlie, despite ourselves, and think he and Emily might be able to keep up with each other's witty banter.
7. Jef, who is such a hipster that (a) he has forgotten the other "f" in his name, and (b) he rides a skateboard at 27. But babies, he is an "entrepreneur" of bottled water. We KNEW that hipsters who can't spell were responsible for all the garbage patches floating around in our beloved oceans. Fill your own bottle, gentle readers.
8. Arie, a race car driver. Because, you know, that worked well the first time around.
Then suddenly, we are ripped from The Men in order to see Dolly Pemily get ready for her date. And we know, like we know our very soul, that Dolly Pemily is Beyond Our Understanding. Lo, for this woman has the Biggest Kaboodle KMu has Ever Seen. And it is filled, we mean FILLED, with bottles, brushes, and all manner of alchemy.
So, back in the ballet days, this viewer had a tackle box which housed our fake bun (a/k/a "the hamburger"), hair pins, and makeup. And between those days and our wedding 800 years later, we are pretty sure that we have not owned more than one or two things of makeup, which we forget to wear and then throw out. If we are the snail at the bottom of the grand canyon of Female Wiles, Dolly Pemily is Mount Everest.
Except, what the hell kind of mesh contraption is said Mount wearing to keep her boulders in place, so to speak? Oh right, it is the Mother of the Bride version of an iceskating outfit. It has one shoulder strap. It is the color of a "flesh" crayon back before Crayola learned about racial diversity. It has spangles in all the right places, which apparently do not include the midesection area, or the entire back. And also, did we mention the mesh? After a momentary flicker of "like," we hate this dress (all of us) and secretly hope that one of the men snags her back mesh with his watch while hugging her hello. If any of them wear a watch. Or can tell time.
We become depressed.
But here is our host, Chris Harrison, making "I'm newly single" goggly eyes at our bachelorette as she exclaims that she just "can't believe" that she's the bachelorette and is so looking forward to meeting her husband. Blah blah yawn and here come the limos with (more lists . . brace yourself).
1. Sean an insurance agent with chicken little hair.
2. David hipster singer/songwriter.
3. Doug, which this viewer repeatedly reads as "Dong." A single dad and charity director.
4. Jackson a fitness model, who goes down on one knee in a pink shirt. Tool.
5. Joe, whom we despise more than Jackson because he does a monkey dance and has hair like James VanDerBeek.
6. Hot Wheels (Arie the racecar driver).
7. Kyle, a financial advisor (meh).
8. Chris, a Corporate Sales Director.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOULD ABC STOP SHOWING DOLLY PEMILY TURNING AROUND SO THAT WE CAN STOP LOOKING AT THAT MESHY FLESHY BACK. that is all.
9. Aaron, who is a "biology teacher by trade, but he has chemistry with" Dolly Pemily. ABe screams in agony.
10. Allessssssssannnnnndro from Brazil. Ah, Dios mio.
11. Jef(f), who skateboards _behind_ the limo, holding onto the bumper. Dear Jef(f), this is not Back To the Future.
12. Levone. Goodbye, sweet black prince.
13. Steve, a party MC from New Jersey who plays a little jam box of music and does a twirl. Yes, yes, Steve, we are confident that a conservative single mother from North Carolina would delight in marrying someone who markets themselves as a DJ and dancer.
14. Charlie.
15. Tony the lumber guy from beavertown. Who gives her a glass slipper, says that he is prince charming, and indicates that "me and my princess will be happy forever."
News flash, Tony: This Viewer is pretty sure that Prince Charming did not propose to his princess until after he had learned grammar.
16. A man dressed like an old lady. Great, now we have a cross-dresser. His name is Randy, and we hope he gets the axe.
17. Nate an accountant, who apparently "smells good" to Dolly Pemily. Sadly, our television is not scratch and sniff.
18. Brent, who has a very awkwardly placed mole. And is also a technology salesman.
19. John, who goes by "wolf," because he apparently thinks That Is Awesome. He is a data destruction specialist. So is this viewer. We call it Using A Computer.
20. Travis, in advertising. He brings Dolly Pemily an ostrich egg, which he promises to carry around with the love and tenderness for which he will care for Dolly Pemily and Ricky.
We wonder if Travis got this idea from high school parenting class. We also wonder how long his chicken egg lasted in high school, and secretly suspect that a Scrambled Catastrophe is what propelled him to chose an ostrich egg this time around.
21. Michael, a rehab specialist. Okay, this little baby is cute, but he needs to cut his hair. Of course, as KMu points out, he could form a chain with Dolly Pemily and Ricky and they could all brush each other's luscious locks.
22. Jean-Paul, a marine biologist. Well, he's obviously dead in the water because he's far too smart for this particular bachelorette.
23. Alleeeeejaaaaaannnndro, a mushroom farmer from Columbia.
24. Ryan, Mr. Moss hair.
25. aaaaand. . . . Kalon. In a helicopter. He is not worthy of more words devoted to him.
If a "bathed in a soft fuzzy glow" high school senior picture could come to life, it would be this cocktail party. Dolly Pemily wanders around inarticulately murmering quiet nothings and "pleased to meet you's" after announcing herself to be a "hopeless romantic." Various boys attempt to approach our fair maiden.
Chris, the sales dude, gives DP bobble heads that look like both of them. We would like to remind Chris that when giving a woman a gift designed to look like her, it is wisest if her Likeness does not look more manish than you. Jef(f) gives Dolly Pemily a "cool vibe." Dong captures our hearts by saying "that's my baby" about his 12 year old son, who wrote a letter for DP about how awesome his dad is. Kalon is hated by everyone (shocker) and creates minor drama by not wanting to give DP up during 1:1 time. Hot Wheels is reassured that DP is completely okay with dating a racecar driver. We feel his eyes are too close together.
Aaaaand, the First Impression Rose goes to Dong!!! Yay!!! Joining him are:
1. Chris bobble-head dude (really?)
2. Ryan moss-head
3. Kalon (REALLY??)
4. Hot Wheels.
5. Charlie.
6. Jef(f)
7. Nate the accountant.
8. Sean (insurance sales).
9. Joe VanDerBeek
10. Kyle, financial advisor.
11. Aaron the biology teacher
12. Alejjjjjjaaaaaandro
13. John "Wolf" data dude.
14. Allesssssaaaaanddroooo
15. Pretty Michael.
16. Joe the MC
17. Tony the lumber guy
18. Travis with the egg.
Poor Levone, he is knocked out in the first round, as is the fitness model, the marine biologist, some guy who is a dad of 6 kids (wow), and surely some others that I am forgetting.
As the credits fade to the fitness model's decision to strip down to show his abs (meh) before he is never again heard from, we are grateful this episode and all its listy-ness is over. And also, are excited for this coming season, in which Our Heroine At Last Finds Love while cliff-diving and forgetting her pants, and when DOLLY PARTON makes an appearance. Our worlds just collided.
'til next week, dear folk.
KLo
So here we are with Dolly Pemily and her daughter Ricky. Oh! They are playing in the grass in pink and red pants! Oh! They are on the swingset in the same pants! "My swing must be broken," concludes DP as she is unable to achieve liftoff during said swingscapade. "No," sayeth KMu, "You are just top heavy." And that is when we realize: there is something new about Dolly Pemily, and it is either a serious wonderbra, or homegirl bought her some extra padding. It may look "good" now, DP, but just remember that in 50 years, those suckers will be swinging like tetherballs.
We are not Girl Enough for the onslaught of pink which continues to attack our eyeballs as we get to know our Bachelorette. Ricky is brushing her teeth in pink jammies, before Dolly Pemily helps her into a pink-pillowed bed. DP herself is wearing some sort of pink flashdancy sweatshirt around the house and to make pancakes in the morning. But all is not well in this pink household. For in the evenings, gentle viewers, Dolly Pemily gets "really lonely." We see her wandering around her pink house, looking at a magazine, and then finally going up to her bedroom. "Click. Buzzzzzzzzzzz." says one member of the BNU staff who shall not be named as her mother reads this blog.
After DP on a horse, and flashbacks to her relationship with the Wombat, we are finally ready to have an awkward transition to some of the men ABC has chosen for Our Lady. Really, this episode is awful because of all the listmaking it requires, so let's just get it over with:
1. Kelon, a 27 year old self professed "reformed womanizer" who seems to think it makes it all better to further describe himself as "young, fun, goodlooking, with a few dollars in my pocket." Darling, if you must use those adjectives for yourself, you are none of the above (except young), and also, your job as as a "luxury brand consultant" means you fold shirts in the Gucci store.
2. Ryan, a former pro football player who now owns a sports facility and has hair like moss on a rock.
3. Tony from Beavertown, who is a lumber trader. Ahaaaa. And also, a single dad.
4. BEHOLD. A POC!!! Levone, a real estate consultant with a little dog, has seriously rocked the whiteness of this show. That lawsuit must be getting to ABC. But rest assured, babies -- we know that no amount of hotness will get him past the fourth round.
5. David, a NY hipster singer/songerwriter that we know is going to annoy the shizzles out of us (all of us), as he caterwauls "Emmmmilllyyyyyy wa-ooooohhhhhh" on the piano, with a sound-over of him rattling on and on about the Dolly being the "quintessential perfect woman." We know your type, Peter Pan man, and we do not like you.
6. Charlie, a recruiter who recently fell 15 feet when a deck collapsed, breaking several ribs and sustaining a serious brain injury. We like Charlie, despite ourselves, and think he and Emily might be able to keep up with each other's witty banter.
7. Jef, who is such a hipster that (a) he has forgotten the other "f" in his name, and (b) he rides a skateboard at 27. But babies, he is an "entrepreneur" of bottled water. We KNEW that hipsters who can't spell were responsible for all the garbage patches floating around in our beloved oceans. Fill your own bottle, gentle readers.
8. Arie, a race car driver. Because, you know, that worked well the first time around.
Then suddenly, we are ripped from The Men in order to see Dolly Pemily get ready for her date. And we know, like we know our very soul, that Dolly Pemily is Beyond Our Understanding. Lo, for this woman has the Biggest Kaboodle KMu has Ever Seen. And it is filled, we mean FILLED, with bottles, brushes, and all manner of alchemy.
So, back in the ballet days, this viewer had a tackle box which housed our fake bun (a/k/a "the hamburger"), hair pins, and makeup. And between those days and our wedding 800 years later, we are pretty sure that we have not owned more than one or two things of makeup, which we forget to wear and then throw out. If we are the snail at the bottom of the grand canyon of Female Wiles, Dolly Pemily is Mount Everest.
Except, what the hell kind of mesh contraption is said Mount wearing to keep her boulders in place, so to speak? Oh right, it is the Mother of the Bride version of an iceskating outfit. It has one shoulder strap. It is the color of a "flesh" crayon back before Crayola learned about racial diversity. It has spangles in all the right places, which apparently do not include the midesection area, or the entire back. And also, did we mention the mesh? After a momentary flicker of "like," we hate this dress (all of us) and secretly hope that one of the men snags her back mesh with his watch while hugging her hello. If any of them wear a watch. Or can tell time.
We become depressed.
But here is our host, Chris Harrison, making "I'm newly single" goggly eyes at our bachelorette as she exclaims that she just "can't believe" that she's the bachelorette and is so looking forward to meeting her husband. Blah blah yawn and here come the limos with (more lists . . brace yourself).
1. Sean an insurance agent with chicken little hair.
2. David hipster singer/songwriter.
3. Doug, which this viewer repeatedly reads as "Dong." A single dad and charity director.
4. Jackson a fitness model, who goes down on one knee in a pink shirt. Tool.
5. Joe, whom we despise more than Jackson because he does a monkey dance and has hair like James VanDerBeek.
6. Hot Wheels (Arie the racecar driver).
7. Kyle, a financial advisor (meh).
8. Chris, a Corporate Sales Director.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOULD ABC STOP SHOWING DOLLY PEMILY TURNING AROUND SO THAT WE CAN STOP LOOKING AT THAT MESHY FLESHY BACK. that is all.
9. Aaron, who is a "biology teacher by trade, but he has chemistry with" Dolly Pemily. ABe screams in agony.
10. Allessssssssannnnnndro from Brazil. Ah, Dios mio.
11. Jef(f), who skateboards _behind_ the limo, holding onto the bumper. Dear Jef(f), this is not Back To the Future.
12. Levone. Goodbye, sweet black prince.
13. Steve, a party MC from New Jersey who plays a little jam box of music and does a twirl. Yes, yes, Steve, we are confident that a conservative single mother from North Carolina would delight in marrying someone who markets themselves as a DJ and dancer.
14. Charlie.
15. Tony the lumber guy from beavertown. Who gives her a glass slipper, says that he is prince charming, and indicates that "me and my princess will be happy forever."
News flash, Tony: This Viewer is pretty sure that Prince Charming did not propose to his princess until after he had learned grammar.
16. A man dressed like an old lady. Great, now we have a cross-dresser. His name is Randy, and we hope he gets the axe.
17. Nate an accountant, who apparently "smells good" to Dolly Pemily. Sadly, our television is not scratch and sniff.
18. Brent, who has a very awkwardly placed mole. And is also a technology salesman.
19. John, who goes by "wolf," because he apparently thinks That Is Awesome. He is a data destruction specialist. So is this viewer. We call it Using A Computer.
20. Travis, in advertising. He brings Dolly Pemily an ostrich egg, which he promises to carry around with the love and tenderness for which he will care for Dolly Pemily and Ricky.
We wonder if Travis got this idea from high school parenting class. We also wonder how long his chicken egg lasted in high school, and secretly suspect that a Scrambled Catastrophe is what propelled him to chose an ostrich egg this time around.
21. Michael, a rehab specialist. Okay, this little baby is cute, but he needs to cut his hair. Of course, as KMu points out, he could form a chain with Dolly Pemily and Ricky and they could all brush each other's luscious locks.
22. Jean-Paul, a marine biologist. Well, he's obviously dead in the water because he's far too smart for this particular bachelorette.
23. Alleeeeejaaaaaannnndro, a mushroom farmer from Columbia.
24. Ryan, Mr. Moss hair.
25. aaaaand. . . . Kalon. In a helicopter. He is not worthy of more words devoted to him.
If a "bathed in a soft fuzzy glow" high school senior picture could come to life, it would be this cocktail party. Dolly Pemily wanders around inarticulately murmering quiet nothings and "pleased to meet you's" after announcing herself to be a "hopeless romantic." Various boys attempt to approach our fair maiden.
Chris, the sales dude, gives DP bobble heads that look like both of them. We would like to remind Chris that when giving a woman a gift designed to look like her, it is wisest if her Likeness does not look more manish than you. Jef(f) gives Dolly Pemily a "cool vibe." Dong captures our hearts by saying "that's my baby" about his 12 year old son, who wrote a letter for DP about how awesome his dad is. Kalon is hated by everyone (shocker) and creates minor drama by not wanting to give DP up during 1:1 time. Hot Wheels is reassured that DP is completely okay with dating a racecar driver. We feel his eyes are too close together.
Aaaaand, the First Impression Rose goes to Dong!!! Yay!!! Joining him are:
1. Chris bobble-head dude (really?)
2. Ryan moss-head
3. Kalon (REALLY??)
4. Hot Wheels.
5. Charlie.
6. Jef(f)
7. Nate the accountant.
8. Sean (insurance sales).
9. Joe VanDerBeek
10. Kyle, financial advisor.
11. Aaron the biology teacher
12. Alejjjjjjaaaaaandro
13. John "Wolf" data dude.
14. Allesssssaaaaanddroooo
15. Pretty Michael.
16. Joe the MC
17. Tony the lumber guy
18. Travis with the egg.
Poor Levone, he is knocked out in the first round, as is the fitness model, the marine biologist, some guy who is a dad of 6 kids (wow), and surely some others that I am forgetting.
As the credits fade to the fitness model's decision to strip down to show his abs (meh) before he is never again heard from, we are grateful this episode and all its listy-ness is over. And also, are excited for this coming season, in which Our Heroine At Last Finds Love while cliff-diving and forgetting her pants, and when DOLLY PARTON makes an appearance. Our worlds just collided.
'til next week, dear folk.
KLo
posted by KLo @ 4:35 AM
3 Comments:
Awesome recap! So glad you are back!!!
Welcome back !!!
Ah, just like Michael Corleone in Godfather III---just when you thought you were out.....Bachelorette pulled you back in. Welcome back as you give my Bachelor viewing true meaning.
I'm a little disappointed you didn't schedule the most dramatic honeymoon ever around ABC's schedule.....but all is forgiven as I'm just glad you're back.
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