Wombat Part The Women Tell All: Recycled Bachelor

Babies, our ears are still bleeding from two hours. TWO. HOURS. of screetchiting at the level of a feral raccoon/the Jonas Brothers. We don't like The Women Tell All episode for oh so many reasons, and all were brought forcibly to mind last night. We secretly wish that ABC would stop with this episode of filler before the Big Reveal.

As Chris Harrison interviews Wombat, on tape, about how he liked being the "Recycled Bachelor," we look bleakly into the viewing audience, and this is what we find: Suzanne Somers circa that horrible shag haircut. So, when this viewer was a child, we would regularly go to summer stock theater in the round (we realize this explains a lot). Across from this viewer's season seats were the seats of a man and the piece of leather with a platinum top that he married. As the summer would progress, we would watch a perfect diamond of black hair emerge from the scalp of the Leather Lady, suddenly to disappear and be replaced with platinum blonde approximately every 4 weeks. But one year, Leather Lady and her husband stopped coming. We had thought they died, but no, they had just relocated to the Viewing Audience of the Women Tell All. We are blinded by the platinum glory.

But now we must pay attention again to the Wombat, who is recapping the women for what will be the 300th time. Blah blah Chantally Lace slapping him at the beginning of the show (ABe reacts in outrage that her skirt is short in front and long in back. We hate a mullet dress.). Blah blah the Dentist was fabulous. Blah blah Fangs saying goodbye in her prayer-shawl-and-nothing-else dress. Blah blah BBM has "a lot of game" and he was "blindsided by her beauty."

So then we must sit through a promo for "The Bachelor Pad 2." Babies, we will NOT be watching this show, as we are still so horrified by the promotion of it that we forget to really pay attention to what is happening on the TV. Apparently, there is now a "Bachelor Nation" that is "500 strong and counting." Yes, babies. They may be a displaced people, but they walk their trail of tears from New York to L.A. , where ABC has created reservations to protect their cherished community, in which alcoholism runs rampant.

Our eyes are then accosted by our former Beloved, Richard the Science Teacher (R.I.P.), whom we forgive for going to parties thrown by ABC where former contestants get drunk and hook up. We do not, however, forgive Kasey "Guard and Protect Her Heart" from season Ali for hooking up with La Ca, still in a tiara. And then there's Le Sausage, being all giddy about having been cast on the Bachelor Pad 2, Craigslist sticking his tongue down somebody's throat, and Gia complaining about Le Sausage sleeping with Wes. Well Gia, they say, they say that love, it don't come eeeeeeaaaaaaaassssyyyy.

And now we are on to the show. There is a pack of women on stage, and this is the only thing worth mentioning: The Dentist looks awful. Fake Tan. New Brunette hair. Orangy-red lipstick. It's like someone dressed up a piece of fruit leather. We are sad for her, as she looks about 40 years older than she really is.

Really, this episode is too painful to recap, so we are going to shirk our duties and say that Broke Back Michelle was "under attack." She has now remembered that she has a child, and beats that drum relentlessly: "I missed my child. I went on the show for my child." yadda yadda. The women aren't buying it. Jackie the Artist calls her a "spider" for being "creepy and someone people are scared of," and Stacey the BARTENDER says she is a bad role model for her child. vOther women come to BBM's defense. This is all done at such an irritating pitch that we almost cannot handle it. Oh, and as a cherry on top, we must also relive the whole "Melissa v. Raichel" fight that bored us so much the first time that we refused to write about it.

Needless to say, this culminates in Chris Harrison jumping down off the couch to kneel beside BBM in comfort. Or, as KMu says, "Rescue Broke Back, The Bodyguard Style."
"And IIIIeeeeiiiiieeeeeIIIII, will always love youuuuUUUUUUuuuuu," sings ABe.
As Broke Back cries and Chris Harrison comforts, the women call off the attack. BBM is not such a bad person. Yes, she's a good mom. And oh, life would not have been the same without her every Monday night.

"What happens Monday nights?" asks ABe, completely serious.

Oh ABe, we love you.

So then The Nanny takes the "Hot Seat," and we don't understand her dress. It is shiny and gold, and "looks like it caught on the door on the way in," (sayeth KMu). She, like the rest of the "Bachelor Nation" has forgotten her pants. The Nanny starts to cry as she describes how she's been in a "lot of bad relationships" that either end with the guy cheating or deciding he doesn't want to date her anymore. News flash, Nanny: except for the cheating part, most relationships end when people decide to stop dating. But the Nanny wants explanations, as she heard the Wombat's statement "She would make a good wife, but not for me," as "She wouldn't make a good wife." And this is why the Bachelor continues.

Next up: The Dentist. She looks awful. awful. awful. And is wearing satin formal shorts with visible zipper detail. Even if she has a nice interview, we cannot get past the World Of No in which she has festooned herself. Gentle readers, this viewer's E! True Hollywood Confession is that we do not have the best fashion sense. But do you know why we no longer have purple hair? Because our sister SHa told us that we were older than shit, and that people past a certain age don't do that. And we listened. And that is what needs to happen with the Dentist and her formal shorts.

Out comes the Wombat. He had "promised his significant other that he wouldn't be too happy" when he out on stage, so "If you're out there, sorry babe." The Nanny gets her closure, BBM and he conclude that they are each too "volatile" to be with one another, and the Dentist gets a hug (we at the BNU all agree that he still has feelings for her).

And then ABC is held hostage by the 700 Club. Oh babies, while the Bachelor was in South Africa, they decided to help the little black children by buying them a solar heater for their school's water. "It is so meaningful to see the smile on those childrens' faces," says the Wombat. "I mean, we gave them hot water." Followed by image upon image ad nauseum of Chris Harrison and the Wombat playing with the little black children and interviews with the school teachers thankful for hot water.

And this is our thing: it is good to do charitable works. But babies, this viewer is here to tell you that swooping in for a day to give people pantyhose, and then take a lot of pictures of oneself handing out said pantyhose, is not the best model of assistance to the third world. ABe's head has exploded all over the television.

Finally, we are at an end. The Wombat is "happier than he's ever been." The woman that he has picked has "changed his life," and "buddy," he "falls in love with her more every day."

Will it be Dolly Pemily or Chantally Lace? Stay tuned for next week, when All Is Revealed.

-KLo