Wombat Parts 1 and 2: Wards of the RIng

Babies, so we were in Europe. And then it snowed. And THEN we elected to go skiing and eat cookies instead of watch an old episode Bachelor this weekend. We confess it. But now we are back, like Brad Wombat, and ready for a Two Part Feature. So let us begin with Part 1, or what we like to call . . .

The Fellowship of the Ring:
Poor Wombat, his initial attempt to bestow the Ring of Power on Jennie and Double-D, three years ago, ended in misery for everyone. "Everything came crashing down" and he knew that "nothing would ever be the same." So, after three or four months of panic attacks, name-calling on blogs, and agony, he Had Enough.
"He went gay?" asked KMu.
No, my gentle viewers. But he DID summon a team to help him carry this burden, including Chris Harrison and a therapist. And the therapist, with Brad's HIPAA waiver in hand, is ready to tell America that the Wombat now "has the tools" to be in a relationship. But we are WAY more interested in the Wombat's back tat -- a twelve inch cross, a la olden tymes, across his shoulder blades -- than Brad's "tools." Even when said tools are wrapped in a Rocky III montage of running, jumping rope, and situps.

So a few years ago, our friends DOe and PIa introduced us to a local public network dating show, with which we became obsessed. Every episode was sponsored by a business or two in town. And because we live in relative rurality, these businesses are such things as the bowling alley and the make-your-own-jewelry store. In the first episode, which happened to be sponsored by the TATTOO PARLOR, the lucky couple became inebriated (at the bowling alley) and then were inked. She, with a small nuckle tattoo. He, with a giant cross on his back. Best. Show. Ever. But now we are wondering if that man was Brad, and if his tattoo was really a call for help, as we know of no man who would voluntarily get a big cross on his back at age 35, having apparently concluded, in college, that barbed wire around his bicep is neither a New Idea nor a Good One.

Anyway, after three years of therapy and a new tattoo, the Wombat is ready. So let's meet a few of the 30 women (because god forbid he only has 25 to select from) who will be traveling with him on this Journey:
1. Ashley is a dentist who considers herself to be an "artist" and the mouth her "canvas." She dances around in her bedroom and announces that the Wombat can look forward to "fun, romance, and healhty gums" with her.
2. Shawntal, who "meets a lot of guys in my profession." (pole dancer?). "Unfortunately, they are not alive." (hello, Clarice.). Her "parents will be buried in a mausoleum in Chico, Tx," SHE will be buried in a mausoleum, and "if all things go right with Brad, the bachelor has a good chance of being buried in Chico." OMG. RUN. She is, apparently, a funeral director.
3. Another Ashley, a Nanny. This interview consists of crying, as she recently lost her dad. She looks about 19 years old, but ABC is not putting ages beside names anymore (damn it).
4. Chantal (not to be confused with Shawntel), who is an executive assistant who works for her dad. Ok, we kind of like her, despite the fact that she was obviously born in 1985 with a name like that.
5. Michelle, a hairstylist/single mom who is a little Elizabeth Hurley in a Broke Back Mountain kind of way. No way in hell this girl was born in the 80s.
6. Raichel, a "manscaper." We see a lot of de-hairing of men on this one, and are slightly traumatized.
7. Meghan, who works in fashion. Meghan opines that men are like shoes -- one must go through a lot of cheap, cheesy ones before finding the best. We wonder what this means about us and our beloved Clogs.
8. Madison, a model with fangs. Yes, she seems to like the vampire thing a bit too much. We know she is supposed to be sensational and we are supposed to want to write about her, but we are already bored.
9. Emily, a childrens hospital event planner with the hair of Heidi Montag and the wardrobe of Dolly Parton. Emily met her ex, "Ricky" at age 15 and was engaged at 19. He was a race car driver, who died in a plane crash in 2004. The same week, Emily learned she was pregnant with their daughter . . . .Ricky. Sayeth KMu: "her name is Ricky, right? Not Ricky Bobbie?"

And then oh crap, suddenly we are seeing woman after woman getting ready, and we are just too tired to keep up. So instead, we watch Brad being interviewed by Chris Harrison. Blah blah trust issues, blah blah he feels bad about Jennie and Double D. Oh wait, they are HERE? And ready for their apology?? Yes, yes. Jennie and Double D rise from the ashes, Jennie in a black pillow case and belt, and Deanna in some sort of silver number. Both women are over him and skeptical of his ability to succeed in Bachelor Boot Camp. But the Wombat, he wants so badly to meet the new women, and to "see the light at the end of the tunnel." Sweets, that light is a TRAIN.

But suddenly we are distracted, because KMu has just offered us . . . THE KITTY. OMG, how the kitty made the journey from ABC prop room to the Mus living room is a mystery to us, but we are delighted nonetheless. We snuggle into its warmth, and forget its sordid past.

So here comes limo #1 with. . .
1. Chantal the executive assistant, who slaps the Wombat for "all women in america."
2. Kimberley, who looks like a Tim Burton cartoon (bubble head, long neck) and apparently works in marketing.
3. Alli the marketing director. Hello, Twin Towers. Put those girls away, Alli.
4. Ashley the Nanny, who actually says "aren't you a tall drink of water" and then grabs Brad's butt. We hate her dress, a spangly one-shoulder number that reminds us forcibly of our swimsuit in the 5th grade.
5. Meghan of the men-are-shoes. She is sporting hot pink wedges, like a drag queen after a bad night.
6. Melissa? Marissa? A sports publicist who has matched her pale pink dress to her pale pink eyeshadow. We also wonder if the carpet matches the curtains.
7. Lindsay from dallas. We don't know what she does. Redhead. Red Dress.
8. Ashley the Dentist.
9. Raichel the manscaper in blue spangles.
10. Madison aka "Fang." "You do look delicious." says she. "Tell me about the lambs and don't lie, because I'll know," says KMu.

Limo #2 arrives (we are sorry for this part of the BNU, but there are just so many women and there is no good way to do this), with:
11. Melissa the waitress. She has exactly one boob tassel on her dress, and will not age well.
12. Renee, ANOTHER Nanny with a squeeky voice.
13. Cristy, an attorney who shows us all her teeth. We don't have to remember her, as we know that No Attorney Will Survive. She also claims that she doesn't know anything about Brad, so apparently she is also a bad attorney.
14. Jackie, an "artist," (*coughUnemployedcough*), who makes the Wombat pinkie swear not to break her heart.
15. Sarah P, a real estate broker whom we forgive for her name, as we like her.
16. "Lacey," an insurance agent. COME ON, parents. Name your girls for the boardroom, not the bedroom.
17. Lauren, a highschool teacher in an ill-fitting golden number.
18. Lisa P in sales. And also, in the uggliest muffin top of a dress ever (yet brilliant for big dinners).
19. Shawntel the funeral director, who also has a neck tat (though smaller). Oh look, they will have something to talk about!
20. Britnee the Paralegal. Of course that's her name.

Aaaaaaand, in limo # 3 we have . . .
21. Stacey the bartender. Two words: leather tassels.
22. Jill the sales director. We don't remember her.
23. Lisa, in a blue dress and ruby slippers. Please go home to Kansas.
24. Rebecca, another esthetician who, unlike Raichel, does not specialize in man hair.
25. "J," an operations manager. It's her birthday.
26. Keltie the Rockett. Who looks like a Sheltie. We are not making this up. But we like her anyway.
27. Sarah a "musical theater performer." We bet $1 she was most recently employed in Branson, MO summerstock.
28. Emily, mother of Ricky. In the following: a black bustier with ruffles along the top AND bottom, and a silver belt clip. Why hello, Dolly.
29. Britt, a food writer.
30. Brokeback Michelle the hairstylist, in the Most Awful Dress Ever. It has tassels. Like the t-shirts women wear at an Airstreamers Convention.

So we have a flurry of rose ceremony interviews in which the women generally grill Brad about his Epic Fail the last time he was a bachelor. Among others, Ashley the nanny whispers that they have a clean slate, Raichel the manscaper waxes his wrist, Alli of the Twin towers needs to know if he can handle her jelly, as she was once dumped because her behind was not petite enough (seriously, who ARE these men you are dating), and Jackie the artist . . . sings. "as a hobby." They say, they say that Love, it don't come eeeeeaaaaasy. But no, instead she sings:
I came here today.
All the way to LA
What more can I say.
Take me away.

And also, the rain in spain falls mainly on the plain. Shoot us now.

Moving on, we watch Twin Towers Alli and Renee (nanny #2) ping pong back and forth with Brad and are ashamed for them. Emily/Dolly P. is really a coal miner's daughter from the south. Brad wants to know if Madison is "for real" with the fangs because if it's just an act, he wants her to leave, but if she's serious, then "that is really really hot" (yes, until she is 70 years old and everyone secretly wonders if she has a bad case of the snaggletooth), and Michelle the hairstylist has taken the Ring Toss rings and attached them to her ears. She is way too Maria Elena, a la Vicki Christina Barcelona. We wonder if she has a handgun somewhere.

The first impression rose goes to Ashley the nanny, who is joined by:
("They look like a pinata," says KMu of the women):
1. Broke Back Michelle.
2. Tim Burton's Kimberley
3. Fangs
4. Dolly Pemily
5. Raichel the manscaper
6. Sheltie Keltie
7. Ashley the dentist
8. Meghan of the shoes
9. Lisa M, also of the shoes (see ruby slippers, supra)
10. Lindsay -- red head, red dress
11. Sarah P
12. Marissa the sports person in the pink eyeshadow and pink dress
13. Alli twin towers
14. Britt the food critic
15. Stacey the bartender with the leather tassels
16. Shawntel the funeral director
17. Jackie the artist
18. Melissa the waitress with solitary boob tassel
19. the other Chantal.

The High school teacher is "at a loss." Britnee the paralegal is crying (really, if you are in the legal profession, you should know you have no choice). And all the women in their various puff pastry dresses, all of whom should have known better, have been cut. But even so, we pray for the love of god, that Brad narrows these women down further because this is just too many.

Which brings us to Part 2: The Return of the King.

Oh, Brad is so excited to be waking up in LA and be the Bachelor again. To illustrate his excitement, he plays with a football on a cliff. He has come home, babies.

Meanwhile, Chris Harrison explains the rules of the game to the women, who are already drinking bellinis. He also delivers date card #1, which is for Ashley the Dentist. The other Ashley, the Nanny who got the first impression rose in Part 1, looks murderous. Melissa the waitress also informs us all that she has been waiting to do this for eight years, has spent a fortune on clothes, and quit her job to go on the show, so she is Ready. Several thoughts immediately run through this viewer's mind: 1) she is older than shit. 2) WE are older than shit, as we have been blogging this show in some form for longer than she has been contemplating it, and 3) really, spending a fortune on clothes after quitting one's job is a BRILLIANT idea sure to bring Melissa nothing but success.

But off we go to date #1. We like Ashley the Dentist because she is a gainfully employed professional. However, she has forgotten her bottoms. Ashley's dress is gold lame on top, and a crinoline slip on the bottom. When this viewer was a child, we and our sisters were jealous of our friends, the RPon, RPon2, and EPon (aka, the "Pon girls") because they got to wear fabulous crinolines under their easter dresses, and we got to wear polyester made from our grandmother's old dressing gowns. But this is our point: the crinoline was UNDER the skirt. Not the skirt itself. We are about to suggest that Ashley the Dentist Look Into Bottoms until . . .

Sweet Jonah in the whale, is that a CLOWN?!? Okay, we would have nightmares on this date. They have gone to the carnival, dearies, and there are clowns EVERYWHERE. Alcohol and clowns don't mix, ABC. Especially when it is a deserted carnival, built especially for you, in the middle of a field at night. This is the beginning of a Stephen King novel, ABC, NOT A DATE. But of course, Ashley and Brad put on a brave face and pretend that they are having fun, running around from ride to ride with far more energy than this viewer would possess, in heels or otherwise.

In the end, the Wombat and Ashley the Dentist finally sit still long enough to realize that both of them had absentee fathers who struggled with addiction issues and left their families to fend for themselves. This is very sad. We are also a bit dizzy now because Ashley talks with her hands so much that we secretly wonder if she is also Signs Sunday services at a megachurch. Anyway, Brad concludes that "I like this girl. I like this girl a lot." And we confess that Forest has a point, so we are at peace when she gets the Safety Rose. Ashley shall live to clean another gum.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Date Card #2 has arrived for 15 women, and it says "Let's start sharing from the heart." Hm. This is for 15 women, which we will admit that we did not keep track of, but which we think involves some combination of Sheltie Keltie, Chantal the executive assistant (whom we like), Fangs, Sports Marissa, Raichel the manscaper, Britt the food writer, Meghan of the shoes, Dolly Pemily, Stacy (who is she?), Lisa (and who is she also?), Broke Back Michelle, and some others. Broke Back Michelle is already complaining that "tomorrow is going to drive me crazy."

Karma is a bitch, Broke Back.

So Broke Back has assembled 4 flying saucers and fashioned them together as earings for her date. It is also, allegedly, her 30th birthday this day. There is no way on God's green earth that this woman is 30. And also, we think we have figured out how contestants match their paper age to their true age on this show: say you're 24 and then suddenly "have a birthday" during filming. AND ALSO, Michelle is wearing a T-shirt with the arms hanging by threads to this date, secured by a big belt. We are so sad that the 1980s have come back to town.

But we put this aside, because all of our BNU fantasies have come true: Michelle and the other 14 women will be making a Public Service Announcement. We secretly hope it is for STDs. But no, it is for the Red Cross (which could still be for STDs). Sheltie Keltie is traumatized because she is "playing a butch giril in a neckbrace and arm casts." Ok, we love this girl.

But what follows is the worst telenovela ever, with the Wombat playing a moustachioed man called "Gustavo," the lover of two women and the baby daddy of another. We are unsure as to how this relates to giving blood. But after multiple takes of some kissing scene, Melissa the waitress (who will not age well) finally walks up to the set -- of which she is not a part -- and kisses Brad herself. Oh, awkward. Says one of the women, "Melissa has been acting a little awkward all day."
Says PMu: "It's called Menopause."

So blah blah Fangs gets to wear a leather dominatrix outfit and order Brad to lick her boot (again, what does this have to do with blood?), and Sheltie Keltie completely commits to her role, which is awesome. But then, Broke Back Michelle storms off set. Brad follows her like an idiot, allowing Broke Back to rope him in with a flounce of her jubblies and a claim that she's REALLY interested in getting to know him .. . before announcing to the camera that "everyone he kisses after me is going to be one huge disappointment." She is terrifying.

The group date concludes with a party on the roof. Melissa the waitress wastes no time in 1:1 selling herself as "very spontaneous," (blech), and Broke Back Michelle, in a necklace stolen from Betty Rubble, tells Brad that he has "walls" and that she wants to "peel his layers." Meanwhile, Melissa the waitress and Raichel the manscaper have gotten into some sort of epic slow-mo verbal bitchfight. We are uninterested, though we do note for the sake of journalistic integrity that it goes on for the entire evening, and the rose ceremony the following night.

The rose ultimately goes to Broke Back Michelle on this date, proving that years of therapy still have not saved Brad from himself.

Date Card #3 has come during this date, and it is for Jackie. "Let's get our love on track," it says. Meh. We are trying to be open-minded, but she has several strikes against her, including 1) being an artist of unknown media, 2) who sings badly as a hobby, and 3) who has no chemistry whatsoever with the Wombat. But of course she draws the "dress up fancy and pretend we are millionaires" date card, which starts with an uncomfortable couples' spa mud facial followed by hand massage by the Wombat (while still in mudmask), followed by picking out a dress from a number of fancy ones, and then wearing the fancy necklace from (probably) neil lane.

As they roll up to the theater for dinner, Jackie is all excited that the electronic marquee says "For Jackie, Love Brad." We suspect that 30 seconds later, it also says: "Time: 8:04. Temperature: 45 degrees." But whatever. So at this date, we learn that Jackie has only had two boyfriends in her life: one in high school and one sometime later. As we neither know her age nor dated ourselves much in college, we cannot throw stones. But for whatever reason, this has terrified the Wombat, who sees Jackie as someone like himself three years ago, closed off to love. That is just stupid.

Somehow, Jackie manages to get the rose on this date, even though, when the band Train comes to sing to them ("Will you marry me." AWKWARD), we learn that she cannot dance, on top of lacking chemistry.

And then we are at the cocktail party yet again. As the opening toast begins, Broke Back Michelle suddenly drags Brad off to obtain some Vital Important Information to Coupledom Success:
1. Do you prefer starbucks or the coffee bean? (starbucks)
2. What is your refridgerater stocked with? (eggs, turkey, water)
Brad repeates each question like an oral exam before answering. Michelle signals approval for his answers, even though we are confident she would approve even if he said that he drank mayonaisse and stocked his fridge with the carcasses of animals he had killed.

The cocktail party seems to go on and on, with Raichel and Melissa the waitress continuing their bickering, each individually crying to the Wombat about the incivility of the other, and a surprise appearance by Ali and Roberto of last season, who interview the women to determine who should stay/go. Our stock in Chantal the exec assistant goes up, as she is completely normal to Ali/Roberto and gives a thumbs down to both Raichel and Melissa.

To make a long story short, Dolly Pemily gets the special rose this evening, and she joins Ashley the Dentist, Broke Back Michelle, and Jackie in the "safety zone." And joining her are:
1. Chantal the executive assistant (yay)
2. Sarah P
3. Twin Towers Alli
4. Tim Burton's Kimberley (wtf.)
5. Shawntel of the Dead.
6. Stacy the bartender
7. Ashley the Nanny
8. Fangs
9. Lisa (who is this person???)
10. Sports marissa
11. Meghan of the shoes.
12. Lindsay
13. Britt the food critic.

Thanfully, Melissa the waitress and Raichel both get the axe. But, we are also sad to see Sheltie Keltie go, as we liked her.

We still don't know who all of these people are, but we suspect that we shall Learn More Critical Information next week, when the survivors apparently make a movie. Let's hope it isn't Lord of the Flies.
Peace,
KLo