The Big Fedotowsky Part 8: Love is the Only Reality

Oh oh oh, we have now lived for two MONTHS with The Big Fedotowsky and yet she still can't believe that she is "down to four guys." We can't believe she owns silver glitter shoes, which she is packing for possibly our favorite episode of the entire season (historically speaking): Home Town Dates!!!

We jump right into to Tampa, Florida with Roberrrrrto. We keep forgetting to blog this date, as he is so ha cha cha. Unsurprisingly, Roberrrto takes Ali to a ballfield, where he gives her one of his old jerseys. "Have I told you that I like a guy in a baseball uniform?" Little Leaguers, beware. Roberrrrto tries to teach Ali how to bat, which KMu mocks mercilessly until this viewer points out that we would be just as terrible, if not worse. The last time we played baseball, we were 14 years old and caught a grounder, which then rolled up our arm and hit our adams apple, making us Feel About to Die. Of course, Roberrrto is faced with Ali, not us (damn), and so he can exclaim without falsity that it is "awesome to see how athletic she is." In the end, he gives her a laminated baseball card from his playing days. He is, in the words of The Big F, "smokin' hot." "Baseball was part of my past. I'm ready to make Ali part of my future," says he. Oh!!

Off we go to meet Roberrrto's family. She is muy nerviosa, but we at the BNU are secretly hoping that this is exactly like a telenovela:
KMu: "Aiiii, Dios Mio!!!!
ABe: "Que lastima!!!"
All we need is a set of twins and a defrocked priest. Sadly, we will have to settle for two Olgas and a Peter. Also known as Mom (Olga), Sister (Olga), Brother (Peter), and in case we are not exactly clear from whence Roberrrrto came, Dad (Roberrrrto, Sr.).

We love this family. Olga the Elder will age well, unlike others *coughMollycough*. Our only thing is that we are uncertain as to the electric blue donuts hanging from her ears. Roberrrrto, Sr. is just like ABe's dad. Compare: (R Sr.) : "What are your personal goals?" with (LBe) : "Got a job? Do you vote?"). We give props to R. Sr. for testing the Big F on her willingness to compromise, and to Ali for saying that to make Roberrrrto happy, she needs to be happy, and for that, she needs to be fulfilled. Roberrrrto Jr. asks for his parents blessing to propose to Ali and we all get teary because it is in espanol.

As we part ways, Olga the Elder whispers: "I love you with all my heart . . . just don't live in Arizona." Okay, that last bit was added by ABe. And everybody dances, instantly assuring each and every one of them a place in the cockles of this viewer's heart.

We scarcely know how a Home Town Date could be better than Roberrrtos until we meet Cape Cod Chris in, well, Cape Cod. But first, a word about Ali's boots. WTF is she doing wearing leather boots by the water AGAIN. Having ruined a perfectly fabulous pair of suede boots fannying around in the ocean with El Piloto, she is now wearing HIGH HEEL leather boots for a walk on the beach. With leggings. That is just wrong, in so many ways.

Cape Cod Chris woos Ali with stories of whales "mating out there" in the general direction of, you know, the water. Ali can "feel the romance already." But all we can feel is the cold chill of memory as we flash back to the Sacred Dance Guild and the Blue Danube. Babies, a Sacred Dance Guild seminar is one of those things that one attends in youth because one just KNOWS it will make a good story when one is old and grey and in their 30s. It is where one goes to chant "hey hey he-e-ey ung-goo-ah" to the tune of a celtic drum, where one discovers the delight of liturgical dance groups called such things like "Miriam's daughters," and where, yes, one is Eternally Traumatized by a delicately hued beached whale in a turtleneck screaming "bluuuuueeeee danuuuuuuuuube" and improvising dancers who merely asked for song ideas. Over and over again. And THAT, babies, does not bode well for Cape Cod Chris.

Fortunately, Cape Cod Chris and his family are the most Awesome Human Beings ever to grace the Bachelor franchise. We can tell this home is full of love because it has lots of windows (always a sign). And also, a poem that Cape Cod Chris' dad wrote for his mother is up on a ledge somewhere. As Cape Cod Chris and Ali wait for the rest of his family, they roleplay what a typical day might be like:
C-cubed: "Gee, I've had a bad day. I need a beer."
Ali: "I have one in my purse. "
ha ha ha ha but okay seriously, we wonder if we could do that at work.

So soon Ed (the dad) comes home, followed by C-cubed's brothers and sisters-ish in law, and suddenly everyone is standing around the kitchen eating shrimp and drinking wine. WE LOVE THIS FAMILY. And also, neither of the women are wearing slap on their faces. And they are all such good people. Ali discovers that the sistersish-in-law both have "Dennis bracelets" like the one Cape Cod gave her, and reads the one Ed gave to Cape Cod's mother, Margie: "Love is the only reality."

Suddenly, we see the last four years of pouring ourselves into work flash before our eyes, and we feel ashamed.

Ed describes how he met his wife when she was 19 and he was 21. She was in a bar with a fake ID, and when Ed walked in, she told her friend, "I'm going to marry that man." In his 1:1 time with Ali, he tells her how Cape Cod left his job to move back home and help Ed nurse Margie in her last year, and how special Cape Cod was for that sacrifice. "To be with people who need you is so important, and there aren't many people that would do that." By now, we are all crying, and all of us are feeling fiercely protective of C-Cubed, including the sistersish-in-law. They worry that he had no outlet for 1 1/2 years while he helped his parents through Margie's death, and that his feelings for Ali are just an expression of that pent-up emotion. But then C-Cubed tells his Dad that he doesn't want Ali to "pick" him, but to fall for him. OH!!!!

We, the People of the BNU here do solemnly declare that Nobody, including Ali, is going to shoplift this pootie.

We could watch the C-Cubed hometown date 20 times over, but instead we must go to Green Bay, WI for Scrapbook. So, in case you all were wondering who buys all of those decorative plates (you know, the "Lady Diana Wedding Album Collector's Plate" and so forth), that would be Scrapbook's stepmom. Decorative plates grace every flat surface in this house, including the wooden molding around the ceiling. And also, the sofa is a pinpoint of hunting images. AND ALSO: "So Ali, . . . wanna see the basement?" asks Scrapbook's dad. "Would you like to go first?"

Babies, setting aside the Creep Factor from that statement alone, we canNOT get passed the fact that Scrapbook's father's entire basement is an homage to the dead animal. Yes, he is into taxidermy. Our friend JSa once taxidermied Hamlet the Hamster in the basement of our college biology lab when Hamlet met an untimely demise due to overeating of carpet fuzzies and palm fronds when on the lam from his cage. Through that experience, we all learned a Thing Or Two about taxidermy, including that one should not indescriminately use eyeball substitutes. And yet Scrapbook's father has done that, attaching eyes to a caribou foot. Resulting in a gremlin. As he opens a freezer to display little packages with names like "coyote skull," he discusses his joy in "bringing animals back to life." Sweet Moses.

In the end, Scrapbook's dad ends up being quite nice and proud of his son. But, we have barely gotten adjusted to this New Information before BAM we are hit with Scrapbook's mother, Tina, and sister "Tawna" (along with grandma Arlene). Lo, though Tawna may be named after her father's One Night in Bangkok, we are more shocked by Tina's horsey hairstyle (we hate this. HATE THIS) and braces. And also grandma Arlene's unnatural obsession with the cheesy potatos.
Arlene: "We have two kinds of potatoes. One of them is cheesy."
Tawna: "My family gets together for every event. Mother's day, Christmas, Easter -- "
Arlene: "Pass the cheesy potatoes."
But in the end of this too, we appreciate Tina for being so level-headed with her son and so proud of all that he has accomplished. Though, we have Major Concerns that Ali is just Not Feeling "It" with Scrapbook. Scrapbook, unfortunately, is head over heels.

And at last, AT LAST, we are on date #4 with Frank Funke in Chicago, IL. ABe starts warning the crowd, "I am going to lose my sh*t with this one," as Frank rushes towards Ali on Navy Pier and he is wearing:
1. A deeply v-neck wifebeater.
2. A womens' size extra small two-tone sweatervest; and
3. A windbreaker.
Of course, Ali looks like a Russian sailor, but that does not mean it is okay for her to like Frank. And yet, she LOVES Mr. Funke. As they get on a boat to take a Scenic Architectural Tour of Chicago (we are presuming), they take photos and giggle. Ali, my babies, thinks that it's such a "good thing that Frank can get up and go anywhere." Yes, because he is UNEMPLOYED and so are you, Ali. And also, "her hair looks like a molting baby bird," observes KMu.

But 15 minutes in, Frank is already all up in his brain, worrying about what if he put all his faith in The Big Fedotowsky and she sent him home, and blah blah blahdy vomit blah. Though she once again rushes to reassure him, Ali FINALLY notes (to us, dear diary style) that she cannot keep reassuring him all of the time. And we SO agree:
"Dear Frank,
Grow a pair.
Love,
KMu and ABe.
As ABe starts chanting "Lo, though I walk through the valley of the shadow . . . " we go to meet the parents. We hear even less of the very little that ABC shows of this familial meeting because we cannot rip our eyes from Frank's chest cavity. A V-neck wifebeater? Seriously?!? With tailored edging? But our attention is grabbed by the gushing sound coming from Ali's mouth as she talks to Mr. Funke's mom about his wonderfulness. This is a World of No, Ali. A WORLD OF NO. We feel helpless against the tidal wave of crushitude that Ali is feeling towards Frank, clinging only to our hope that his sister's understatement that he is an "emotional guy" might finally break through.

But now we have survived all 4 home town dates and are at the rose ceremony. We are hating The Big F's dress, at least on her. It has a triangle of fake cloth roses right where the chest is supposed to be, giving the impression that at any moment, the entire top will roll right off her body due to the sheer weight of all that material. But, we forgive her for this dress because she is genuinely distraught. Crying as she chooses, and with no rose ceremony whatsoever, Ali picks:
1. Roberrrrto
2. Cape Cod Chris (yay. Although we are going to give you the Stink Eye if you break his heart)
3. Frank Funke (in a velour fleece under a sport coat. seriously.).

Poor Scrapbook, he is going home. We knew this was coming, though we don't think that he is the most graceful, noting that this is an entirely new experience for him because he has always been the one to dump the woman. We feel less sorry for him now.

Stay tuned for next week, when we go to Tahiti. And just maybe, for my birthday, Frank Funke will finally get the axe.

-- Peace,
KLo