The Big Fedotowsky Part 7: Sweet and Low

We don't know where to begin with The Big Fedotowsky Part 7 except to say, Sweet Fudgsickles, are we really on Episode 7 and are there really 5 man-people left still? Big Daddy managed to pick someone in 8 episodes, and that was dreadful enough. At any rate, here we are in Lisbon, Portugal, and Frank Funke is wearing an anchor on his shirt. Ahahahaha, yes, my sentiments exactly.

But Mr. Funke is relieved, babies, for there may be 4 dates this episode, but none of them have roses! Nevertheless, there is a "lot on the line," as the remaining boys standing at the end of today will be taking Ali home to meet the parents!

First date card? For Roberrrrto. "Come be the king of my castle." Ha cha cha. Frank Funke is immediately jealous that HE didn't get the date, that someone ELSE did, and that HE doesn't get to be king of the castle. We think all manner of dark things in his general direction until Ali shows up in a tank top and . . .
ABe: "I don't understand that skirt."
It is about 6 inches long and solidly bedazzled. Babies, we like to avoid outfits that expose the Hail Damage of Time, and previously assumed, quite fairly in our opinion, that most women did the same [except our college classmates whom we have discovered to regularly do yoga, run five miles after giving birth, have good hair, maintain gardens, travel to exotic locations, and know how to work a proper camera. These women apparently don't have hail damage, which we would otherwise be able to see from their perfectly crafted art shots. DAMN YOU, facebook search function.]. What we are not understanding here is that said skirt actually GIVES one the impression of hail damage upon sitting for more than 30 seconds, and then exposes it all for the world to see.

We are trying desperately to get past said skirt, as it IS Roberrrrrto after all, and they are taking pictures all over Lisbon. Except we can't see very well because some giant man in a pinstripe shirt, sunglasses, and sweater tossed over his shoulders is in the way of ABC's lens.
KMu: "Homosexual, you are in the way."
ABe, still on the skirt: "It's like a scarf. . . . turned into a skirt. Is that fringe on the bottom?"

Finally, finally, we manage to refocus (even ABe) as Roberrrrto dances with Ali in the street, makes out in a cable car, and whispers sweet nothings about how they will have "lots more moments like this" if she ends up with him. While he loses 10 points for cheese, we must immediately award him 20 points for expressing his genuine excitement to take her home to meet his family, even in the face of her saying she needs to "figure him out" because he is "not used to people as nice as you." [read: "I am waiting for the other shoe to drop because I have historically dated emoto-fuckwit film students like Frank Funke and don't know how to behave with a nice boy].

We don't know how this ends up, as our eyes are ripped away from Roberrrto by another date card arriving at the hotel for a 2:1 date. "Let's find our future in the past." And it's for . . . . Tyumbo and Frank Funke!!! We are so pleased, as Frank looks like he ate a baby turtle. "Tyumbo is my biggest competition," he opines. and then [insert long list of complaints followed by] "I don't want to walk around with Ty. I want to walk around with a girlfriend."
KMu: "You don't have to walk around holding his hand or anything."
ABe: "Thought that might help your chances."

We have a hard edit from Tyumbo and Frank Funke hugging Ali in front of a helicopter to flying through a wind farm. So, our sister just got a parrot. Because, you know, that makes sense. But this parrot has a little gym to avoid boredom, and a pinata filled with treats [we are not making this up] and . . . pampers to wear when flying around the house.
Also known as a "flight suit."
We mention this only to say that we would certainly need such a suit if we were going to FLY A HELICOPTER THROUGH A WIND FARM. That is all. [PS, our other sister has fish, which we feel is much more reasonable even if she did kill them three times. So technically, she "had" fish.]

Anyway, we are back on the date, and Frank Funke is bitching about wanting to say things to the Big F that he can't in front of Tyumbo . . . to seeing a deer as the threesome hike towards a castle . . to Frank Funke bitching about sharing the moment with Ty again. And at last we are about to eat dinner on Chris Harrison's old Christmas tree wrap until . . . WTF. There is a waiter in PLAIN SIGHT. You know, this viewer has a birthday coming up. And all she has wanted for NINE YEARS is to be the waiter and/or rose dish holder and/or box-for-voting-someone-least-favorite depositer during a rose ceremony. But no. Our hopes have been dashed, and we have been replaced by THIS person, whom we are confident is really "second gaffer" or something in a rented jacket. Rage.

Anyway, after Tyumbo makes an uncharitable comment about the night being perfect but for the presence of Frank Funke, we are mercifully introduced to some 1:1 time. This improves neither our mood nor our feelings towards Tyumbo. Ty, gentle readers, doesn't think his mother would be bothered at all by the fact that Ali is "more of a worker." We cry "liar!" as Tyumbo's own face shows the pain of uttering such statements after just divorcing a woman for working, you know, ONE YEAR AGO. But Tyumbo has changed, babies. He is just "tickled to death" that Ali would "have a plan." Oooh, your widdle Ali has such big big pwans. Whadda whittle cutie!!" We give Tyumbo the stink eye.

But 1:1 time with Frank Funke is not much better. Frank is "a little nervous" because he feels that they have a good thing, but he "doesn't have anything to compare it to" in terms of her relationships with the other guys. And he is also nervous because, um, "there is one thing I need to tell you tonight. And that is . . . that I live with my parents."

[GASP].

"You know, after I sold my condo in the city and then went to Europe . . . " Just stop stop STOP TALKING, Frank.

Homeslice supposedly had a good job in the city and owned his own place. And he burned through the money from both of those things in six weeks in Europe? So once upon a time [Pre-Ravages of Time], we went to ballet school with a girl who spent $3,000 of daddy's money on clothes and shoes in her first two weeks in Boston. This girl was fifteen years old. That girl was not 31 years old and supposedly maintaining a good job because of solid judgment and the ability to manage finances. Fuckwit.

While we feel that Ali should run Right This Instant, Ali is not feeling our urgency. Oh no. She says "awwwww!!!" and cuddles closer. Then this happens: "Let's live in a tree together like a couple of monkeys," says Mr. Funke. Yeah, Frank, because that's all you're going to be able to afford. Thank God you have that manuscript you're writing to burn for warmth. Frank is, apparently, "everything Ali has wanted, and everything she fears." No shit.

Date #3 is with Scrapbook. We are having mixed feelings about this person. On the one hand, we feel he is entirely wrong for Ali. On the other hand, he has risen in our estimation to the level of Cape Cod Chris and Roberrrrto, otherwise known as Men Who Are Reasonably Articulate. And also, he does not have a seizure upon seeing Ali's tank top, which has the following three things: 1) chains, 2) studs, and 3) sequins all going on at once. So Scrapbook and Ali are off on their date, and Ali is just not feeling it because her mind is elsewhere. We are back in our usual ambivalent state towards Scrapbook, and so we are at peace with the potential that he will go home as he chatters happily about how he's in a good place personally while Ali nods abstractly on a little horsedrawn carriage ride.

Except then Scrapbook calls her on being distracted, in such a nice way, though we almost don't hear it because, thanks to HD, we can actually see where her eyeshadow has gotten stuck in her fake lashes. But as they continue to talk, and Ali confesses AGAIN for the 100th time in Season Big Fedotowsky that she's worried she won't be "good enough" for whichever guy she picks in the end, Scrapbook says: "You know, I didn't know who I was before I got sick. And I didn't think I deserved to be loved by the people who loved me. But then getting sick put things in perspective. And I do deserve that love, and I deserve to be here, and I deserve you." Except he says it 800 times better, and suddenly, we love Scrapbook again. Oh!! Our love does not falter, even as a blind woman channeling Sophia Loren sings on the steps to the tune of a guitar.

Soon, we are on Date #4 with Cape Cod Chris. "Love gets better with age," it reads. Oooo, we hope this date involves cheese. But no, it involves our next favorite thing: A winery!!! Except crisis: The Big F is having a difficult time with Chris. While she "digs' him as a friend, he is not opening up enough for her, and the relationship is going at a slower pace than her relationships with the other boys. Oh no!!

Things are not helped when he is given a Vespa to drive. "I don't want to be that dude who kills the bachelorette," he worries, as he has never driven a scooter or a motorcycle before. And we COMPLETELY understand. This viewer once drove through the streets of Bangalore, India on the back of our friend KZi's scooter for a week. You know, without a helmet. Laughing hysterically the entire time because that is what one does when one fears Imminent Death.

So here we are on the Vespa, and Chris is going about 20 miles an hour until Ali makes him pull over and drives herself. We love this dynamic. We also love Cape Cod Chris because he opens up about his mother, answers questions in a measured way, and gives her a bracelet that he was holding onto until he had decided if he "liked her enough," which is just so refreshing when compared to all the other boys. We know that Cape Cod Chris is all sorts of vulnerable to Ali, and we love him for it. And also, he pulls some lilacs down from a giant bush for her.

But suddenly, the rose ceremony is upon us. The BNU panel is divided on The Big Fedotowsky's dress. It is white and stripey . . . but only on one side. ABe likes it, but this viewer is forcibly reminded of a beach towel. Her extensions looking worse than ever, without any fuss Ali picks:
1. Cape Cod Chris (whoot!!)
2. Frank Funke (nooooooooooooooooooo).
3. Roberrrrrto (double whoot!!!), and . . .
4. Scrapbook!

Whoa! Tyumbo is goin' home. Showing his true view on life, he says HE thought HE was perfect for her, and that he is pissed because SHE made a wrong choice and he hopes she realizes that. Somehow, we don't think so.

And then we realize why ABC has been rushing us through the Big Fedotowsky Part 7. And it is because Jaques El Piloto and Le Sausage are Meeting for the First Time Since The Big Breakup. We are feeling very mixed as to whether to comment on this at all, as it is mostly just yelling at each other, and so we will make the following observations:

1. ABC has reached a New Low.

2. Le Sausage somehow manages to float to the top as between herself and El Piloto, notwithstanding her use of the word "poly-o-graph" and the fact that she sold her story to a tabloid [for which she apologizes to Jake]. And also, because she utters the best line of the night: "My IMPRESSION was that you were a PILOT and that we were going to go back to Florida and lead a normal life [after the show], but you took me to LA." Le Sausage, for the win.

3. El Piloto is, in fact, Tool of the Century as he essentially states the following:
a. He was "undermined" by Vienna, as exemplified by the fact that when they got new bedroom furniture, he "measured the best way for the furniture to fit in the room, told Vienna it was the only way it would fit, and then she questioned my judgment by getting the tape measure herself."
b. He was "disrespected" by Vienna when she asked him directions, he told her how to get to the location, and then she used the GPS [at which point he ripped it down and threw it in the backseat].
c. He repeatedly instructed her not to interrupt him.
d. Even though this isn't solely El Piloto's handiwork, we would just like to note that Chris Harrison and he completely gang up on Le Sausage, which is Not Cool.

In the end, like most breaks ups, we are pretty sure the truth is somewhere in the middle between his claims of her selling him out and her claims he is a famewhore. Either way, we not so secretly hope that Le Sausage goes on to bigger and better things, and that network shows stop giving El Piloto work.

Stay tuned for next week, when Scrapbook's father shows off his taxidermy skillz.

KLo