The Big Fedotowsky Part 2: Baby Got Back

BABIES. We are SO SORRY. We at the BNU had a bit of vertigo from our boat travels, and have been finding it hard to sit and look at a screen without bumping into it. But we are back, if not a little dizzy, and ready for our Bachelorette Double Header. Don't judge the spelling this week, my dears.

So Episode 2 (or double header part 1, to make things confusing) begins with Chris Harrison telling all the boys that there will be two 1:1 dates and 1 group date this week, but (crisis), not ALL the gents will get to go on said dates. We secretly hope Craigslist doesn't go anywhere, as we are already sick of him. And also, he is a lawyer.

But date card #1 arrives before we know it .. . for Frank Funke!! "All signs point to love," it says. Oooo, has ABC finally learned that short simple words and phrases work best with these boys? Cape Cod Chris is sad that the card is not for him, but handles it well. The Big Fedotowsky, meanwhile, is excited to a) date 17 guys, b) date 17 guys who she wouldn't normally date. Yes, Ali, we think it's an *excellent* idea to abandon all qualities you are typically attracted to when going on a speed-dating venture. She is, quite naturally, "impressed by" Frank Funke, but doesn't know if there will be a "spark."

Ali picks Frank up in the Jetsons convertible, which completely breaks down about 5 minutes onto the LA Speedway. We cannot get past the fact that Mr. Funke is completely, utterly unhelpful, does not look under the hood, does not even apparently call for help OR stick his leg out. Of course, the Big Fedotowsky just sees it as Frank F "going with it. " Our feelings do not improve as they decide to walk to the site of their date: Hollywood Blvd. Oh, Ali. This is my sign for you:
Do Not Feed the Film Student.
But she does. As swarms of paparazzi and fans buzz around them, Ali and Frank Funke sign autographs. He is "so proud" to be with her. Of course he is. So where and how can he show his love? By climbing down a pile of rubble to the Hollywood sign, where Frank can sweep Ali into his arms as they spin around joyfully amidst rusting tins and old lettuce. Okay, not really, but it seriously looks like a dump by the Hollywood sign. Yet awed by their surroundings, Ali and Frank Funke gush about how much they have in common.

Babies, Ali wants to know Frankie's "Paris story." And so it goes: he started screenwriting a few years ago. And then, just decided to quit his job and move to Paris. "Oooo!" squeels Ali. "How long were you there?!?" Six weeks, gentle readers. SIX. WEEKS. Seriously. When we were 15, we went away to Ballet school for longer than that. And while we do agree, based on said experience, that six weeks is a sufficient length of time to discover all the ways in which one can hide ones mini-liquors in one's uniform socks, Pollyanna-film-student-Peter-Pan-Man here dreamily describes how he now manages a retail store and writes films in his free time, post Paris. He feels, my dears, that "career will always be there." But love--TRUE love -- if you wait too long, the opportunity for such greatness will be gone forever. We are speechless. Apparently, so is Ali, as she decides to make out instead of speaking.

But we are not done. The car has been fixed, and so now we are off too. . . Park. Seriously. As they toast to each other on the hood of the car whilst looking out over a moonlit LA, we are fixated on the red velvet cupcake Frank Funke is eating. So when our friend KZi got married, she had red velvet cupcakes. And while we will not divulge how many of them we may or may not have eaten, we promise you that it resulted in two things: 1) hovering by said velvet cupcakes for far longer than fashionable, and 2) sitting down for the remainder of the evening to cradle the red velvet baby to which we had just given birth. At any rate, Frank Funke has "all four" qualities Ali is looking for in a man, including (lets count them) : Funny, Smart, and Quirky. We are sad for her that, at this time in her reality television career, she STILL cannot smell a film student peter pan from five miles away.

As Frank Funke gets the rose and rattles on about how "no matter what happens, nothing can shake the connection we have built" in his two hours at the west LA dump with the Big F, back at the men's mansion, Craigslist is drunk and shaking his beer bottle in Justin-R-Rated's direction as he tells JRR that he is not there for the "right reasons." Craig Oompa Loompa hair from Canada is being a crapweasel to generally everyone, first hassling HOT JESSE about his tattoos until Tyumbo hussles him out of the house, and then attacking Harry Potter ("yo, Weatherman.").

This skirmish gives way to the group date for 12 boys!!! Harry Potter, Tyumbo, one of the Chrises, Scrapbooking Kurt, Steve, Craigslist, Mrs. Donovan, Justin-R-Rated, Eddie Munster, and Croompa Loompa. We realize this is not 12, but we really have lost count of all of the names at this point. Oh, but we are in heaven, as this is a Date With A Cause. My dear ones, the bachelors are doing a photo shoot. For charity. Because the Bachelorette franchise likes to "give back." ABC, if you only knew how very much you give back to us at the BNU every season.

We want this calendar. We NEED this calendar. Just THINK of the photoediting possibilities. So lost are we in dreaming of said possibilities that we nearly miss Craigslist, who, opining on the giant red diaper of a speedo he is wearing, says "when I first saw it, I thought 'no way,' but now it feels kinda nice." And also, Harry Potter worries about his chicken legs, because he doesn't "work them out" like Steve (who tells ol' HP that he has "nice legs and a nice ass" to encourage him). Scrapbooking Kirk is excited because Ali leaned up against him, while Eddie Munster is encouraged to "get your telescope erect" by the other men.

At last, Tyumba, all ablaze in geometric mid-thigh swim trunks, decides to sing for like the 3rd time in 3 times he has been on the air, about how he is "lost in the moment. . . something something present time." And also, "they say, they say that love, it don't come eeee----aaassay." While Tyumba feels that he and Ali had a "deep moment" of connection arising from his mediocre song based on something serious he claims to have seen in her eyes, we know what Ali is secretly thinking (all of us). One time, God punished us for sneaking a coworker from our christian camping days into a gay bar to celebrate his 21st birthday. And that punishment was in the form of the skinniest, ugliest, tallest, most frosted-lipsticked drag queen in a tube top, tube skirt, feather kitty, and turban with little stars wound throughout, singing to this viewer. And that song went something like this: "Let me see your pussy, show it to me." For five minutes. And that, my friends, is what we all know Ali is experiencing In This Moment.

ANYWAY, off we go in a big ass SUV to some restaurant or bar, in which we hate Ali's zipper dress but forgive her for the cuteness of her shoes. Tyumbo feels that Ali and he could fall in love. But in his 1:1 time, he must get something off his chest. And that is: he has been married before. For two years at age 27, so um, like a year ago. The divorce was not bad, but he feels tha the was not perfect and learned so many lessons. Blah blah requisite welcoming response from Ali followed by . . . Croompa Loompa making fun of Harry Potter while Ali is otherwise engaged with Tyumbo.

This is our thing: We are not sure who is the biggest Tool here. Croompa Loompa does earn several rotten tomatos for being mean and bullyish. But Harry Potter is a brown belt. He "doesn't want to fight" but he will if pressed. Maybe a quick jab to the face. Maybe a punch to the neck. HP, in his 1:1 time with the Big Fedotowsky, spends all of their tete-a-tete talking about how there is "someone" who is "not right for you, Ali." This man is "dangerous." This man. . "do you really want me to tell you who it is? Because, I don't want to gossip. But . . . well . . . it is. . ." Croompa Loompa. Harry Potter has suddenly taken the lead in rotten tomatos . . and then . . Croompa Loompa! For the win! "Gee, do you think Ali is lying to you?" says Croompa Loompa to HP, "when she says you have a connection? Did she give you a booster chair when you were talking to her?"

And that is absolutely It. This viewer recently had a Work Trama in which we had to sit in a restaurant booth during a Professional Outing. And our feet did not touch the ground the entire time. And also, it was a leather booth. Which means no grip, particularly when one does not wear a suit of natural fibers, which we were not. It was Disaster, babies. We spent our entire dinner trying not to rub inappropriately against the gentleman to our right, as our be-polyestered buttock had no grip against the leather seat, while simultaneously attempting not to slide underneath the table and/or drop something. So Croompa Loompa, you are Dead To Us with your short jokes. Fortunately, Justin R-Rated saves us from opening a Can of WhoopAss on Croompa Loompa with 1:1 time spent entirely discussing who is hotter: "you're so hot." "No, You're hot!" "No, YOU'RE hot" while Mrs. Donovan mwah mwahs about Justin-R-Rated not being right for Ali. In the end, Ali gives the safety rose on this date to Tyumbo. WHAT?

But at last, it is Date 3, with HOT JESSE!!! "Use these, when the time is right," says the date card. No one can figure out who it is for until Roberrrrrrto, taking the box of cufflinks that came with the card, looks at the initials on them and identifies HOT JESSE's initials. Okay, we really like Roberrrrrrto. He's calm. And also, interpretive. But we will also not complain about a date with HOT JESSE even if he is a decade our junior. Here's to us, Mrs. Robinson.

Anyway, HOT JESSE is "hot. Sexy. That's pretty much where I'm at with him," says Ali. Yes, Ali, all of us are right there with you. But he's a "t-shirt kinda guy," who bought his first suit for this show, and so how will he react when the Big Fedotowsky takes him to Vegas for a glamour filled date? "I'm stoked," says he. Ah. So while this date was long, it can be summed up thusly:
Plane. She: afraid of flying. He: "this is rad man" and ignoring her clutches for comfort on his arm.
Ferrari: She drives. He's stoked. Loves a babe who can handle a car.
Pool called "Liquid." Is this not the one where Heidi Montag "revealed" her new body? Regardless, our regard for HOT JESSE begins to grow when he informs Ali that, after trying an oyster for the first time, "If it didn't have lemon juice on it, it would have tasted like shit." ahahahahaa.
Hotel with magic remote-control blinds: We like HOT JESSE even more as, though he is clearly too young, he is polite to the doorman, clearly awestruck by the beautiful surroundings, compliments the Big Fedotowsky on her dress, talks about how much he loves woodworking, and calls her "m'lady." Oh!!! And also, they are dancing after dinner! And also, there is a vampire playing the piano for them!! Jamie Collum, Cullen, whatever. We are confident he eats people (though he does have a nice voice). Aaaaand, HOT JESSE gets the rose!!! While Ali doesn't know that he is right for her, HOT JESSE is "solid, genuine," and we agree. Le sigh.

And now, the rose ceremony is upon us. Croompa Loompa is making us crazy, and so we don't even want to waste words on him (and also, the Big Fetodowsky Part 3 begins in 15 minutes and we are running out of time. crap crap crap). First, a 1:1 with Cape Cod Chris. We like him because he welcomes Ali to "his house," and then says later that he had butterflies and felt that he was melting when talking to her. Oh! But then, we no longer care because it is 1:1 time with Roberrrrto. Bestill our beating hearts, babies. Roberrrto has traveled the world. He's played baseball professionally. And he very calmly, warmly, and nicely teaches her how to pitch a knuckleball. We LOVE ROBERRRRRTO. He is happy: "Something about being around Ali feels right," says he. Oh Roberrrrto, you have a standing invitation to come hang with the BNU whenever Richard the Science Teacher is taking a break.

Meanwhile, as Roberrrrto and Ali are talking, Mrs. Donovan is mwah mwwahing "mwah Ali looks imaginary mwah mwah." This canNOT be his real voice. But we don't get to learn of any secret smurf identity because Frank Funke steals Ali away just as Mrs. Donovan is sitting down with her. That is Stone. Cold. Craigslist informs the masses (omg, we are agreeing with Craigslist. Help us!). Soon Frank and Ali are making out, Croompa Loompa is being an ass to Harry Potter and the world in general, and Harry Potter is telling Ali all the ways he is being said ass. Harry Potter, my babies, "can't allow someone like that to be in Ali's life." Excuse us? We are only comforted by the fact that we know the Big Fedotowsky will "allow" Harry Potter to go home in the next episode or two. Finally, we have an extremely awkward 1:1 time between Croompa Loompa and Ali, in which Ali completely calls CL out on not being particularly "into" her, and CL has no response other than "yeah, um." Unfortunately, Ali reveals that some other dude called Croompa Loompa "dangerous," which leads to yet another 15 minutes of air time in which CL is harassing Harry Potter, so convinced is he that Harry gave him that label (and he's right).

At any rate, in the end, Ali picks to join HOT JESSE, Frank Funke, and Tyumbo:
1. Mrs. Donovan (WTF)
2. Hunter (who has had zero air time this episode)
3. Roberrrrrrrrto. Ha cha cha.
4. Cape Code Chris.
5. Justin-R-Rated
6. Steve.
7. Scrapbooking Kirk.
8. John C (we think this is the hotelier who is going to break out in jazz hands any moment)
9. Craigslist (WHAT?!?)
10. Chris N (less than zero air time. Who is this person?)
11. Harry Potter!!! ("Thank you for having my back this week," whispers Ali. Oooo, Croompa Loompa is pissed).

Poor Eddie Munster is in shock. He has gotten the axe, along with another fellow we don't know and Croompa Loompa. According to CL, ALi "missed a huge opportunity" by not picking him. How fortunate that he can "get back in the saddle quickly." He hopes that there are attractive women on his plane ride home, as he will "need some extra attention" then.

Blech.

Stay tuned for, um, this week. Which starts in 15 minutes!

KLo