El Piloto Part 7: Love Swing

Let's be honest: The only thing we have to look forward to in El Piloto Episode 7 is the Pirate Ship. It's true, gentle readers. We open on St. Lucia, scene of the "overnight dates" that grace Part 7, with a view of said ship and commentary that this is a "mystical land." We wonder when St. Lucia re-enacts the Treasure Island re-enactment of an Epic Battle, and are sad that Ali is no longer here to go on a 2:1 date with Le Sausage on this ship, as surely one would Not Make It Back Alive. El Piloto recaps the remaining women, because we must do SOMETHING to fill the two-hour show:
1. GPow. Gentle readers, El Piloto had stereotyped GPow as "one of those sexy, confident, model types." You know, this viewer gets mistaken for one of those All The Time, there are just so many of them running around these days. How fortunate that El Piloto realized that, in fact, GPow is "really complicated." And also, they have "electric" chemistry.
2. TenAriel. "My name is Tenley like Ten," says she in a flashback to Part 1. "My name is Tenley and I have the Tinkliest Tiny Tot Tone ever," we mutter. We secretly think TenAriel was either a) a gymnast or b) worked in a helium factory in a past life. GPow has a baby voice, but TenAriel has not left the womb. At any rate, El Piloto is concerned that she is not ready to Fall In Love Again.
3. Le Sausage. Oh, she wants to feel his abs. Oh, the amazing connection they began on their first date, jumping off the bridge. We conclude that he likes Le Sausage because they bonded over a traumatic experience, not unlike The Biggest Loser (which we think has a higher marriage rate than The Bachelor, by the way). We also feel en fuego at her vocal stylings, but secretly love that she goes a little cross-eyed every time she starts talking like a little girl. Which is all the time.

Oh, but then there is Ali! As El Piloto wanders around in the waves, throwing rocks into the water, he muses on how he misses her. Ali, supposedly back at home wearing a hotel bathrobe and staring at glossy pictures of Jacques, cries. She thought that work would get her through life, but now she has a life without love!! We suspect she will be applying to law school soon.

But El Piloto has rebounded, and here we are on our first date with GPow on Pigeon Island!!! GPow has apparently escaped from prison and lost her pants in the wind. As El Piloto conveniently turns his back to the camera, GPow awkwardly sneaks up behind him and humps his leg. "I didn't even know you were coming!" El Piloto exclaims. Well, ABC don't pick 'em smart. El Piloto explains the plan for today's date like a 6th grade book report: "Today's date will be perfect. We will enjoy the boat. GPow. And the great people on this island. We will be going to where the local people shop."

But we don't care any more because steel drums are playing, and steel drums make us feel the BURNING RAGE. Our own musical hell is a Philip Glass composition on steel drums, marimba, and the jazz flute. But for the Good Of The Order, we fight through our pain to discover that GPow and El Piloto are heading to Gros Islet. "Which," KMus translates, "is French for Big Islet." GPow and El Piloto are soon drinking coconut milk and dancing around to a drummer in the middle of the street. We are pretty sure that the drummer is having impure thoughts as he looks at GPow.

As we go to another drumming St. Lucian, flanked by a second St. Lucian with no teeth, El Piloto comments: "It's very nice that Gia, from New York, that has $1000 pairs of shoes, is empathetic for people who lay their hearts on the line, trying to make an honest living out there." And we have Had It. The only POCs we see on the Bachelor in the past 10 years are the limo driver, tech person caught on camera, and a few contestants from Olden Days who never made it past round 3. And now, NOW the POCs we get are black dread-locked men with no teeth playing drums in the street? WTF.

El Piloto buys a fugly necklace for GPow, which she declares she will always wear _on her wrist_, El Piloto is suddenly wearing his Rastafarian choker again, and as they walk into the sunset, we hear him muse: "We would have so much fun traveling the world. That's something I've gotta have" in a woman. And then " I want to come back here for my honemoon. It would have a lot of meaning."
"Yes," says KMu. "I'm not sure who it will be with yet, but it's gonna have a lot of meaning."

After topless leaping into the ocean at sunset, GPow and El Piloto head to dinner out by the ocean. GPow has bedazzled the shit out of her dress and headband, which the Flying J thinks is great (likely because she looks like a landing strip). He wants to "create an environment of peace" for GPow, where she will feel comfortable "opening up." He would love to see GPow "Open up completely." How fortunate that being with him has "Opened her up so much." PMu starts laughing.

El Piloto decides to sell himself. Under the category of "Who Really Says That," Jacques says "One thing I do is put others ahead of myself. You know, someone to take care of me if I take care of them. Actually, I'd *probably* take care of you regardless. That's what I bring to marriage." We are speechless, as, apparently, is GPow. "Wow, guys don't KNOW that," she says. "I've never met a guy who could say half the stuff you just did." We wonder, for the zillionth time, who GPow has been dating, and then whether ABC has gone all low-budget on the fantasy suite as Jacques leads GPow to . . . a big hammock. While having a hammock in our home is on our Bucket List, we must put that dream off a few years so as to block the memory of this:
"Swinging on a hammock with Gia. It's like our bodies just . . . fit together. It was so romantic, with the water crashing underneath the hammock."
Which, of course, leads to the giving of the Fantasy Suite card. GPow accepts, and soon all of us find ourselves following the trail of clothing into the bubble bath. We think of scented, whipped air and vomit a little in our mouths. "Gia has grabbed ahold of my heart so hard," says El Piloto. Which, of course, is their business as we can't see Who is grabbing What under all those bubbles.

And off we go to Date #2 with TenAriel at Rodney Bay. Oh, El Piloto is so excited to see TenAriel, with whom he has connected on so many levels: family, values . . . um. As they leap into each others arms, he informs TenAriel that he is taking her to see The Passion of Jake: a helicopter ride to a sugar cane plantation, where they will have a picnic lunch in "Balenbouche," on the corner of a rain forest. We once went to a sugar cane plantation, which was a bit like being a whale and inhaling all the bits of sugar like plankton every time we opened our mouths. Okay, so we concede that some comparisons need not be made. But let the record reflect that we would be fat and toothless shortly under such conditions.

TenAriel, gentle readers, "hasn't had a picnic in years! Not with a boy!" She wants to know how El Piloto would "pursue her" in real life. With "exotic dates?" "Say we're at dinner," he responds. "Then literally, we could go to Kansas tomorrow." We have been to Kansas and don't find it particularly exotic, but ABe and the Mus correct me that El Piloto in fact said "CAMANS." Even so. TenAriel responds with "this is like a dream." And then "Everything we do together is so real." ABe concludes that this is the part where Aunt Jemima shows up and offers them pancakes.

Blah blah El Piloto again talks about how he brings commitment to a marriage, and TenAriel gushes that being with El Piloto has allowed her to feel passion again, since her ex husband. As they run down the beach and into the water, we once again cannot see what El Piloto is doing to elicit her "naughty boy" exclamation, but we must Walk It Off. Soon we head to dinner in the Courtyard of Melrose Place, and TenAriel is stressed because she "hasn't been with anyone since she was married." In addition, the "only person she has ever spent the night with was her ex husband." The Flying J suddenly develops Turrets:
"I thought we had such a great talk.
Great thing about it.
Be myself.
Never thought of it.
Means world."

what? More disturbingly, TenAriel says "Having been married before, it means so much to me that you've given me the opportunity . . . given my past." TenAriel? Married before? And Jake is a Pilot? This is Totally New Information. But also, TenAriel honey, the fact that one's husband cannot keep his penis in his pants does not make one damaged goods.

Suddenly, we don't care any more because we have realized two things. 1) El Piloto is wearing a Tuxedo blouse. "We're here! We're queer! We want to get married by the ocean!" chants ABe. And 2) El Piloto is leading TenAriel towards a soap statue of phalli.

One time we took a soap sculpture class, in which we made a big bunny out of a bar of Irish Spring and a baby bunny out of the spoils. We are not making this up. The big bunny still sits in one of our drawers. El Piloto apparently took the same class, with differing results. . Babies, this sculpture looks exactly, and I mean *exactly* like the Holy Trinity of Penii. We cannot look away, even when El Piloto says "I'm just gonna . . . sway back and forth with you" as he tries to dance, and she says "I'll let you take the lead," followed by, "Do you think you can lead me in life? That's what I want." Because we STILL CANNOT STOP LOOKING AT THE SCULPTURE.

Only moving on because we must, El Piloto is back to talking about "every time we kiss, I feel like I'm on a treadmill." We feel that way too, but only when we take the stairs. TenAriel reiterates that she is "feeling nervous because I've only been with one man."
KMu: "Wait, who?"
ABe: "I dunno, she hasn't mentioned it."
El Piloto offers the Fantasy Suite, which TenAriel accepts. Says El Piloto: "I cannot wait to . . . watch our . . . first sunrise." Yes, babies. Cockadoodle doo.

And suddenly, it is the date we have been waiting for: Le Sausage aboard a Pirate Ship!!! It's the very boat used in Pirates of the Caribbean, babies. And it is called: The Unicorn. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. We have vague memories of going on a fake pirate ship as part of some forced social outing in the past, and are pleased that El Piloto has found the eye patch, goblets, and skull-and-cross-bones bandana that we remember. Le Sausage and El Piloto are so "playful together," babies. Which is why she licks his face. And then fires a canon. And then climbs a rope ladder. At this point, we are not sure of the distinction between the Pirate Ship and Chuck-E-Cheese.

Now, if we were Le Sausage, there is no way in hell we would let some dude climb a rope ladder after us in our little swimsuit, because No One needs to see That. But we are suddenly grateful that we are not Le Sausage, as she is now ROLE PLAYING with El Piloto. Yes babies, he has a machete, which he has smacked on her behind, and is forcing her to walk the plank. "I want to please Vienna and Vienna wants to please me," says the Flying J and we Cannot Go On. We are sorry, but we just can't.

El Piloto takes Le Sausage to dinner in a gazebo, where she "wants to know what he thinks and feels." For her part, Le Sausage is ready to have children and be a mom, though she *does* want to wait to have children. El Piloto, in turn, concludes that he must "make sure it's not just sexual" between them. Suddenly, ABE has bolted to the other room, screaming. As we wait for her to return, Le Sausage continues: "When I told you my family is most important to me, when I become married, my husband becomes most important." Yes, we all know she has had some practice at that. El Piloto wants to know what type of ring she wants (thin band, bling), and she asks if he could see her has his wife. Yes yes, she wouldn't be here if he didn't. And then we . . . .

are in the fantasy suite. And Le Sausage is suddenly in a white negligee. With a black thong. With her soundpiece somehow tied to that thong. Because she wants to show him "another side" of her. And she wants to give him "a surprise." And all we can think (all of us) is that we feel sorry for the next person that has to wear that soundpiece. We see no more of this date, as it fades to black to the tune of cheesy flamenco passion.

But the rose ceremony is upon us. And of course, who must call this day but Ali! Begging to come back. Because this takes entirely too much time out of El Piloto Part 7, we are going to summarize it: Freedom's just another word for 'nothin left to lose" babies. Jacques doesn't let her come back because he's "moved on" with the other women, and she is "completely heart broken." And, we're sure we'll see her as our next Bachelorette, if we don't get GPow, because really what are our options.

Having kicked Ali to the curb, El Piloto refocuses on the roses he is about to hand out. Oh, he is in love with three different women for different reasons. We don't really care, because it is the video message episode and we love us a video message!! TenAriel, in her message to El Piloto, tinkles on about how she never in her "wildest dreams thought she would fall in love after such heartbreak." Wait, what heartbreak? Did we miss something? GPow gushes that El Piloto is a "remarkable person" and that she "never wants to let him go. " Oh oh oh, GPow your days are numbered, especially because you are wearing Solid Blue Sparkles. Le Sausage, on the other hand, is confident. "Hey sweetheart! I know you are the Man of My Dreams (unlike Billy Ray and also that other guy I married). I can't wait to wake up with you the rest of my life and flirt for the next 80 years." We don't care because she is wearing another crack ruffle, only this time it is floor length. We hate a crack ruffle.

And he picks:
1. TenAriel (ah, ahahah),
2. Le Sausage!!!!

NOOOO!! GPow gets the axe. She is completely graceful about it, even as she is crying: "You may have made a wrong decision, but I don't think you did, and I am very happy for you." Oh! Classy! We want to comfort her, particularly because El Piloto is now saying that he sees his future wife in TenAriel and Le Sausage, and GPow should really Want No Part of That Company.

Stay tuned for next week, when The Women Tell All!!!

KLo