Miss J, Eh, Part ATFR: If I Could Turn Back Time

We are going to say it: We canNOT believe we stayed up until 11 pm to watch this episode. But in the words of Bryan Adams (who is a much better blues singer than a rocker btw), we do it all for you. And also because we are weirdly obsessed with this show.

Part After the Final Rose begins with this woman in the audience whom we are pretty sure is Trish from Season Jesse. How do we know? Because she is wearing the biggest bouffant horse-face-making short hairdo ever, and because she is in nearly every audience shot. But soon Chris Harrison appears and relieves us of this vision, only to announce that we are not only going to ATFR about this season, but we must ATFRpartAfterpartAgain about Melissa from Season Big Daddy.

Out comes Melissa, and she really does look fabulous, though far too skinny. And we secretly wonder if ABC is trying to accentuate the difference between this show and the "Fat Bachelor" it has sold to Fox by starving all of the contestants here. Blah blah Melissa "bounced back" and took up with an old boyfriend, Todd, shortly after being dumped by Big D. Then came Dancing With the Stars, and now she is a Media Force and cannot be trifled with again. Did Big Daddy make the right decision to pick Molly. "Oh, YEAH," says Melissa, "and also, Molly will not age well."

[ad break: Horsey woman/Trish clapping]

Out comes Kiptyn! Except KMu thinks that it is Dr. Travis Stork from season Dr. Travis Stork, so interchangable is he with all prior "dudes." Poor Kiptyn must watch his "journey" with Miss J (everybody drink) and has to take a deep breath, so raw is the emotion still after All This Time. Oh, it "reminds him of how he felt. He clearly fell in love with Jill. To gave it go from what I thought was the start of us to the end of us was crushing." Oh! Bobble-head audience women nod in sympathy.

And then . . . out comes Miss J to meet Kiptyn for the First Time since the Dumping. We are unsure if this was planned, as she appears for all the world to have fashioned her dress out of the bedsheets she ripped into strips to make the rope she used to escape the house that ABC built. Or alternatively, toilet paper. They hug and are nice, but Miss J tells Kiptyn that there wasn't anything more he could have done. He, of course, also has no regrets because he gave the big confession of love when he was ready, and not before then.

So on we go to unlucky contestant #2: Reid. We must admit, Reid is not faring as well as an upstanding dude here. This Local Viewing Audience concludes that he should have kept the glasses, as he had us all Under His Spell until their removal somewhere toward the bitter end. Anyway, Reid obviously has no business on national television at this point, as he is still totally smitten with Jillian, painfully not in control of his mouth, and still reeling from getting The Dump two times in a row. He "flew back," gentle readers, "bought a ring . . . it wasn't the best ring because I didn't have a lot of time, you know, but I didn't think the competition was really that big." He thought it was going to be a "slamdunk," but was obviously wrong. He wishes he could have "reversed and done things differently" insofar as telling Jillian more about his feelings, etc. [cut to horsey bouffant Trish looking woman].

"If I could turn back tiiiiiiime," we sing. And then, KMu and this viewer discover that ABe has NEVER SEEN Cher's video to this song. So we must interrupt the BNU for a screening of Cher and her Leather Onesie of Death. Oh, the servicemen! Oh, the big guns! Oh the sudden shock of the leather thong! We debate whether the markings upon her buttocks are a tattoo or cushion imprint. If we could turn back time, babies, we'd give it All To You.

But back to questions from Reid to Jill, which are a little harsh:
Reid: "When I came back, was there a part of you that wanted to say 'yes?'"
Miss J: "Nope."
Reid: "If I had told you how I felt about you sooner, would that have changed things?"
Miss J: "Not even a little bit. I was in love with Ed."
Then Reid completely clams up, gets cagey about asking any more questions, Miss J tries to fill the empty void with inane commentary, Chris Harrison asks unsuccessfully bating questions, and at last we are saved by Laura Ingalls Wilder who stands up from the audience and asks Reid if he will go out with her. "How old are you?" he asks because we all secretly know she is about 12. "Thank heaven, for little girls," we sing.

And at last, we are to Jill and Ed. Ed comes out and announces that he is so relieved to finally be going public with this thing. Oh, they are so happy, having spent almost every day together in the last few months. We are impressed by this revelation, as we previously understood contestants to be permitted only a few clandestine visits during airing of the show. But irregardless (that one is for you, Miss J), she is, like, totally moving in with him in Chicago, and they will be married at some point in the next 12 months! If we had a dollar for every contestant who said that, we would buy our own Ugly Ring, but we are still going to be happy for them.

[again, weird cut to big horsey woman hair in the audience and omg is she wearing dayglo makeup???]

As we fade into the distance we are left witih a local from Miss J's trip to Spain explaining to the happy couple: "Der is a leeegion that says if yoo cross under diiis arch, holding hands, you weel be marrieed." [which of course, Jillian wants to run under twice]. And then, a question from the audience: "So, is everything okay in the bedroom now?" To which Miss J responds that the only problem is that they can't get enough of the bedroom. Augh T.M.I. and also we are traumatized and now ABe is swearing she will never return to watch another episode with this viewer.

And with that awkward series of clips and filler, we are done. We will not be blogging More to Love because we are morally opposed. And also, low hanging fruit never tastes as sweet. But we have enjoyed our season with you, gentle readers, and hope that you tune in next time to the BNU.

Much Love,
KLo