Miss J, Eh Part 7: The Love Bomb

Proving that we Eat. Live. Breathe. the Bachelorette for you babies, Miss J Eh Part 7 begins with a confession: "I had a dream about Ed," ABe admits on the sofa "Intervention"- style. "I just remember I was 'with' him. Nothing racy happened but, like . . . we were together." Just not in the Biblical sense, or so she says.

Anyhow, we begin in Banff Springs with Jillian wandering the streets with coffee, Champs (Elysees) Crotch, and a yellow ginormous scarf. "One of these guys could potentially be proposing" shortly she says. Hm, Jillian how many hedge words can you jam in a sentence? But more importantly, why are you not wandering the streets with a bag of All Dressed Chips? If we were Canadian, we would be eating that ambrosia for breakfast, particularly if we were faced with the prospect of going to meet the families of Five Shades of No.

But as Miss J is unstoppable, we are suddenly in Philadelphia with Reid AND his glasses (ha cha cha). Except that Reid seems very uptight as he picks Jillian up in a park that we ought to recognize but do not because our geography is That Bad. We become more nervous when they fill the awkward silence with a kiss that falls somewhere between thanking grandma and mad marionette love. She turns to him. He turns to her. She touches her face somewhere left of his mouth. He bounces his lips off hers sans pucker. She stares at him. He blinks. "I'm a real boy!" says he. Okay not really but please make it stop.

Soon we are with his family, Mom Ronda, Dad Larry, and, explaining a LOT about Reid, his older brothers Brent and Jeff. Okay, so we heart Larry, but damn Ronda's skin is like pleather tinged with frosty lipstick. Let us help you Ronda, help help you, Ronda. Anyway, Reid is apparently a realtor in the family's estate business. "We would just love to have a designer in our house" says Ronda. "We could be a team." OMG, it is JuanyOnly part 2. Of course, now that Reid has reached the ripe old age of almost 30, he has eclipsed his useful life and must now be taken out back and shot: "We always thought Reid would have a family and kids, BUT . . . whatever." Says Ronda. We hiss in Ronda's direction.

But we have Really Had It when Brent and Jeff, a/k/a Dumb and Dumber, take the wheel.
Jeff: "So Jillian, why do you think Reid is STILL single at this point?" (wtf).
Brent (who has not aged well): "Yeah he doesn't have any trouble finding women. He's just a commitment phobe."
Jeff: "Yeah, he just has to get everyone's approval."
Brent: "And then the woman just sort of . . . disappears."
Okay, these two fools are officially retired as Reid's Wing Men. If Miss J has not run screaming at this point, we have no use for her. And also, wtf is up with this family's obsession with having a family by age 30? We may be of an age at which romance novels no longer cast the heroine unless she is on her Second Time Around due to the untimely demise of her husband by bee sting or piracy (therefore, preserving her status forever in the community as mature, wise, and still lovely despite all her years in mourning), but dammit.

Dad Larry does some damage control, advising Reid to jump into the relationship with both feet if Reid thinks Jillian is a good match because "that's when great things happen," but this is quickly harpooned by Grandma and the sisters-in-law showing up for a "surprise" 30th birthday party for Reid. After another kiss so awkward that Miss J actually has to force Reid's face to hers . . . followed by deafening silence from the family . . . Brent's Totally Sensitive Wife announces "Well, we usually don't see Reid being very affectionate with . . . people."

We just. Wow. Fortunately, Reid proves he can plant a good one at the door before Jillian leaves to see b boy.

Next stop: Astoria, NY for a visit with b boy and his mom Lynn, Dad Frank, and identical twin brother, Steve. Sadly, sister Jenna is in Australia and cannot be with them. Shoo be do bop b boy runs up to the house and screamingly greet his family and then tells them that he saw Miss J in her pajamas and almost fainted, she looked so beautiful. Okay, McFly, you can come down from the tree. Of course, when b boy opens the door to see Jillian standing there, he screams again and runs away. Dude.

But this is our thing (all of us): we LOVE this family. Mom Lynn is all fabulous and full of life and tells Jillian that b boy adores her. Steve encourages b boy to "dude, drop the love bomb" as b boy is shaving his scruff so that he and Steve can switch places and "trick" Miss J (which totally backfires). Dad Frank tells b boy that Jillian is "the real deal. You're falling pretty hard for this girl." And b boy admits that he could "get his heart flattened" (oh!). But then: crisis. In 1:1 time with Steve, he asks Miss J if b boy's age (25) is a factor for her. Miss J admits that yes it is, to which b boy responds: "Mike and I always wanted to be married younger to grow as a couple before having children. We want to be good husbands, be good fathers." Forget b boy, Miss J. Run off with Steve.

Over dinner, Dad Frank continues the tradition (now going for 8 years in this family) of asking a "Question for the Table," in which the family asks 3 questions to get to know guests better. We love this! Okay, so at our stage in life (mature, wise, still lovely after bee sting/piracy etc etc) our three questions would be:
1. Are you present?
2. Are you clean?
3. Do you have a tendency to wear midriff-bearing mesh shirts, share the name of a popular conservative talk show host, or incessantly sing Smoke Gets In Your Eyes karaoke-style?
But instead, Frank asks Miss J to name 3 things of which she is most proud, and she says her ability to laugh, to see the good in everyone, and have energy. Okay, Miss J, you may continue in your online dating quest for love.

And then . . .sister Jenna appears from Australia! And THEN (because it could not get any better), the whole family starts dancing!! We love this family!!! And they send her home with a plate of food! Could b boy be the dark horse in this competition? He has become so sweet even WE are falling a little in love with him, despite his age. "I think until the day I die, there will always be something that I won't be able to describe about Jillian that hooks me." OH!!!

Coo coo ca choo, Mrs. Robinson, just like that we must leave b boy (whom we now love) for San Diego and Kiptyn. WTF is up with Miss J's sundress? It is a World of Peariwinkle Searsucker, covered in a sweater bathed in roses. KMu points out that if we were Kiptyn's mind (and assuming also that said mind had thoughts), we would say:
Kiptyn (handing Miss J wine): "A toast to you coming to San Diego. . . "
[Kiptyn's mind (giving Miss J the once over): "Fuck. This is where I'm supposed to pay her a compliment."]
Kiptyn: " . . . and coming to meet my family."
[Kiptyn's mind: "You are a weak, weak man."]

Anyway, Kiptyn has two daddies, or so he informs Miss J. We are disappointed to learn this really means a dad and stepdad and secretly wish ABC would be more progressive, but of course that would mean at least casting a POC (person of color) that makes it past episode 3. Oh well.

But then, sweet jesus on a subway wall, we meet Stepdad Earl and his Magnum P.I. moustache. "Hi, my name is Earl," says he. We also meet mom Eve, who is one facelift away from Joan Collins. And, we meet sister Davia, who is trying VERY hard to be sophisticated with the dyed black hair and black nails, and brother Bryce + girlfriend Nancy.

Earl shows Miss J the house, which, as ABe notes, is decorated just like people with lots of money but no taste think a house must be decorated. And then Eve does a little double blind taste test for Miss J on the granite island outside by the hot tub. "We love to eat and drink fine wine in this family," she announces. (who says that?) Moreover, "Earl is famous for his lasagne." So now Miss J must pick the best lasagne and best wine to accompany it. We would be so screwed, with our love of $2 Chuck. How fortunate that, by picking "the dark red wine" with whatever lasagne, Miss J "passes."

Miss J is all wowed because Kiptyn's family is so "educated, refined, well-traveled" and can speak lots of languages. No, Miss J, they aren't. Because truly refined people don't make you FEEL it, and these people are tittering about an inside joke in french at the dinner table.

Anyway, our distaste grows as Eve, whom it is really all about, pulls Miss J away for some 1:1 time:
Eve: "You were talking about unconditional love. Stand by your man [which she sings to the wrong tune] and all that. Well, then you lose yourself. So yeah, I don't know if I believe that."
Eve 2 seconds later: "If there was something you could change about YOURSELF, that would make Kiptyn happier, but also you, what would that be?"
WTF kind of question is that? And also, those two statements are internally inconsistent.
But Eve is not done. Says Jillian "I am used to having to work for my happiness."
Eve (looking like she smelled a skunk, as much as one could for having her face pulled past her scalp): "What does that mean, 'work for your happiness.' You shouldn't have to 'work' for your happiness."
More honestly, Eve wants to know how Miss J would deal with an overbearing mother in law. She is pleased to discover Miss J's "willingness to have the family involved" in her relationship with Kiptyn. Run. Away. Anyway, blah blah Davia is all excited to know that Kiptyn would be unlikely to propose if he had to do it in 3 weeks, and we are done here.

Even though, god GOD this episode is long due to the introduction of 5 men, we must now go to Jesse's home, the Sully Winery, in CarMEL, Ca. He is apparently hoping she thinks his tractor's sexy, as he has her hop up for a little 1:1 before they meet the family.
Jesse: "What are you most worried about with me?"
Jillian: "That you're ready for this commitment."
Jesse: "Hmmm."
Way to dispell those concerns, Jesse.

But we love Jesse's parents, Dad Joseph a/k/a Kenny Rogers and mom Betty. Brother Jacob is batshit however, and also thinks he is a poet and/or wildebeest/yetti with the long hair and beard. Showing what a well-loved house should look like, Jesse's home is full of nicknacky corners with pictures and joy on the walls. Unfortunately, that joy does not extend to Jacob:
"Girls are expensive," he announces as Jesse shoots him daggars over the dinner table. And then later on: "So, you love this chick? Does she want to have babies?" he asks. And then, "she's a cutie," followed by Jesse's response, "Yeah, a honey boo bear." We cast the hairy eyeball at that name and are thankful for small things, like not dating Jesse.

Joining Reid's brothers for the title of Worst Wingmen Ever, Jacob asks Miss J: "Have you two been naked together?" And then "Yeah, Jesse's a late bloomer. He moves slower, etc. He's like a little emotional ice cube. I haven't seen anyone yet that could break his shell. But you're a lot better than the other girlfriends he's brought home." We just don't even know what to say.

Jesse attempts to save himself by telling her that "every time I see you, I want to take a step forward," which is just a lovely thing to say. And also, his family rocks out as a band with Jesse on the drums, Jacob on guitar, Dad playing the tambourine, and mom dancing. While these things are plusses, we are pretty sure he is toast.

Finally, FINALLY, we get to the last hometown date with Wes. In a hard edit, we cut straight to Wes introducing Miss J to his band . . . Sexual Chocolate!!! Okay, not really, but ABe cannot stop thinking about Coming to America and we would rather think about that than Wes, so there you go. "Blah blah, you give me a feelin like you gave me way back when," he sings. And we know that feeling (all of us), and that feeling is of an ant between our toes. But he's still not done: "They s-a-a-ay, they say that love, it don't come e-e-e-e-a-a-a--sy." RAGENOGAHPHILIPGLASS STOP IT.

We are so annoyed with Wes that we don't want to spend any time on him. Basically, he is a bully. And here at the BNU, we Hate Bullies.
Miss J worries to him "what if I pick you and all this takes off?"
He says "It's already takin' off, baby. You gotta get on the train, because it's already rollin.'"
Miss J: "Do you think I'm your type?"
Wes: "Yeah I do, but this is the deal. I have to, um, have you to myself. I don't want to have to keep answering this question. You know how I feel. I am not a good liar. So I might as well tell you the truth."

Wes is a manipulative fuckwit.

Like a K-night in shining armor, we cut to Jacques el Piloto flying in to Texas to save Miss J from herself. Oh, ha cha cha we love the nod to Top Gun. El Piloto reveals to the camera that Wes confided in him several times that he has a girlfriend and that her name is Lauren. So he has come to Tell Miss J the Truth. But when he appears at her hotel room door as she is waiting to be picked up by Wes for their time with his family, all Miss J can think is "oh no, he's come back to ask for a second chance."

Except this is the thing. As wooden as El Piloto has been of late, he is still a very nice boy. He struggles as he tells Miss J about the girlfriend and warns her that if Miss J asks Wes, he will tell her that Wes and said girlfriend used to date, but no longer do and are just "really good friends." He then watches as her face falls, and tells her he's staying in the same hotel if she needs him to come up. AND, he cries in the hallway about how she is "just an innocent girl looking for love and Wes is in the way." Okay, "innocent girl" may be doing it too brown, but he's right that Miss J needs someone to save her from herself. And also, way to set Jake up as the next Bachelor, ABC.

But then. . . Wes comes to pick her up. Miss J confronts Wes, calls Jake to the rescue, Jake confronts Wes, Wes cannot look Jake in the eye when insisting that he doesn't have a girlfriend, Wes tells Miss J that he HAD a girlfriend names Lauren but they broke up and are now good friends (ooo, El Piloto called it), Jake leaves, and Wes tries to get out of things with Miss J by bullying: "Well, you're going to have to figure this out," and "I don't want to drag this out if it isn't going to amount to anything," and my favorite, "It will either have to end here or you are going to meet my family, but you decide." So, *shocker,* Miss J caves and goes to meet his family.

But suddenly, we understand why Wes is the way he is. He is surrounded by women (mom and three sisters) who kiss his ass. When Jillian and Wes raises the "we were late for dinner because I was accused of having a girlfriend," the women all agree that "Guys are always jealous of you, Wes." Boooo.

Por fin, it is the day of the Rose Ceremony. As Miss J wanders her hotel room, she hears a knock on her door. She opens it to find . . . . ED!!! ABe just peed a little. Ed has come to plead his case. Oh, he made the wrong decision in prioritizing work over her. Oh, he apologizes for hurting her like that! Oh, he had a little break down when he came home and realized that he had been an utter fool and please please please give him another chance.

While we have mixed feelings about the "I have changed my ways" speech, which this effectively is, we really like Ed (and ABE REALLY likes Ed), and so we are not surprised when Miss J says ok, he's back in the saddle and can come to the rose ceremony. But: Miss J must now send TWO men home instead of one, since she can only bring 4 men on the overnight dates (and also because this season seems to never end).

And at last, the moment of truth. We should like Miss J's yellow dress, except that she clomps in instead of gliding, and this dress is for gliding. She announces the resurrection of Ed, the other guys get all worried (except Wes. Tool.), and she picks:
1. Reid
2. Kipytn,
3. Ed, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand . . . ..
4. WES.

NO!!!! B boy and Jesse go home. Jesse leaves with no words. But b boy, for whom our heart breaks, says that "for a girl that just broke my heart, I could not say a bad thing. Wow, I started to love that girl, didn't I? I have no doubt that the next time I had seen her, I would have told her that I loved her and been down on one knee pretty quick. If there are three things I could say to her now, it would be 1. She's beautiful, 2. I'm going to miss her, and 3. Be happy."

Okay, we officially rescind all disparaging remarks about b boy. This guy is a gem and we are sad for him.

And yet, we soldier on until next week, when Wes tells Miss J: "My girlfriend. I mean, my ex girlfriend." $10 says she still keeps him.

-- Peace.
KLo