Big Daddy Part 7: All the Women with Independence (Throw Your Hands Up At Me)

Sweet masala-flavored banana chips, babies, we apologize for the delay. ABC has apparently blocked downloads from India, so our friend KZi had to get Big Daddy from itunes....which took THREE DAYS and much wailing and gnashing of teeth. But lo, though it may be Friday in certain parts of the world, the BNU is better late than never (this is what we tell ourselves). So let's get to it.

Oh oh oh, tonight it is the romantic overnight dates in Middle Earth/New Zealand!! Is Jillian more than just a friend? Is Molly a total tard for wearing a side ponytail in every shot? Can Melissa continue her Quest for the Ring even though her parents refused to meet Big D? And why oh why is all of this set to stripper music? We delay the resolution of these mysteries for a shot of Big D at his Seattle house boat. Sayeth KZi, who is new to the Bachelor and all rentals associated therewith, "Is that his house? It's kinda crappy." Homegirl should have seen my $200 houseboat dream. And also, aren't we in India?

But anyway, Big Daddy says that Jillian is "unique, wonderful, funny and easy to talk to. But I'm worried that she is too independent to be in my life." WHAT?!" Stop the presses. Big Daddy is officially On Our List (all of us). You know, the "sensitive new age guys with skeevy dreams of marrying the babysitter" list. Booo. Run Jillian! Don't put that ring on your finger!!! We almost don't hear that Big Daddy likes Molly's eye (you know, the big beady red one keeping watch for him) or that Melissa reminds Big D of both Double D AND his ex wife. Okay, so she could dump his ass for a snowboarder and then play for the other team? We do not see the compliment in this comparison, but whatever.

Date #1 is with Jillian. Says Mr. Self Confident, "I am picking her up in a helicopter. When she sees me, she will be blown away." Never mind that the helicopter canoodle has featured prominently in dates with both Danutalie and Melissa, or that Friendly Skies probably told everyone that the water plane on her 1:1 date was a helicopter. We can TOTALLY see how this would be very surprising to Jillian, who is waiting for Big D on the edge of a cliff with no road in sight. We sort of like the flannel shirts Big D and Jillian are wearing, even if they are matchy match, as they remind us of our own junior high clothing choices (sweat pants and flannel shirts. we were h.o.t.). Blah blah he's with the "perfect girl" for this date. Blah blah she can't take her eyes of him. And then: OMG, it is the Return Of The Kitty. Big Daddy lays Jillian down on this white and fluffity pelt in remembrance of Stephanie as they drink white wine and Jillian talks about wanting to marry her best friend. Sayeth the D: "Everything is great with Jill. We could be FRIENDS for the rest of our lives." Oh no. Girl, your days are numbered (which is probably okay because you don't want to be with this wing-clipping fuckwit anyway). Suitably, she goes to the very edge of the cliff before they leave for dinner. Big D holds his arms out and wants to play Titanic, and we secretly wish she would help him . . . you know, with the end part where everyone falls in the ocean. Did we mention that he is On The List?

But then WTF is Jillian wearing to dinner? We cast the hairy eyeball at this sequined ace bandage with outlying zipper. And also is that a plastic bra strap we see? Whatever braniac came up with the "clear" bra strap as supposedly more "subtle" than an opaque one clearly forgot about the reflective qualities of light and the attraction of men to "ooo, shiny!" But anyway, Big D wants to unwind Jillian's dress, as he can't emphasize enough that "spending the night together is a really important part of the relationship." We just bet it is, Big D. So Jillian does a big confession of faith about how in love she is, asks him to spend the night without even waiting for the "Forgo Your Individual Rooms" card, and off they go to spend a steamy steamy night in the hot tub.
Big D is feeling "it."
Jillian is "ready to feel really close with him."
KZi wants to know "wtf is up with all these euphemisms."
Big D makes a toast: "Here's to. . " sayeth KZi: "all the hot sex we're going to be having."
And sure enough. We hear Eye of the Tiger segue into Flamenco Passions and let me tell you, if we had an afghan we would be looking at the computer through it, so mortified are we to be watching Skinemax come to ABC. Big D "hadn't seen that side of" Jillian before. He could "feel her hands" on him. It was "steaming in there . . . because of us!!" Ew. Just ew.

Date #2 is bungee jumping with Molly. And let me tell you, we are SO glad she remembered to wear silver eyeshadow and heavy mascara on her tractor beam eyeballs. Regardless, we know that the romance would end right here when we twiddled our britches on national television during this jump, but Molly just says they are taking a "leap of faith" and that the moment will be "groundbreaking." haha, nice choice of words. Anyway, all we see is the boom/microphone thingy hanging down as they jump. Afterwards, over a lovely meal of fruit and coffee (oh, the acid) we suffer through her list of questions for Big D, as she "could never marry a man without knowing the answers" to things like what his favorite flavor of ice cream is (peanut butter & chocolate) or his favorite food (hamburger). What's his morning routine, dear readers? Oh, he can get ready in 20 minutes. She takes a mere 45, but is happy to know she can be ready in 5 minutes with "a little chapstick" and a ponytail. You know, because he likes the "relaxed, easy going look." Um, yeah. Which is why your date wore a burberry scarf and can barely lift her lids so heavy are they with with le shadow. "Her eyebrows really freak me out," says KZi.

Off we go to dinner, in officially The Worst Dress Molly Has Ever Worn. It is a silkity tuxedo in the front. . . with criss crossy straps in the back. AND a side pony. When this viewer was in 8th grade, she wore a yellow and red polka dot shirt, red overalls, and a side pony for her school pictures. After our friend Kimmie's older sister told us we looked "mature," we cried in the bathroom for an hour. And gentle readers, it was that kind of outfit, updated to the year 2009, with which Molly accosted us. And yes, she looked "mature." But scarcely do we recover from our shock before omg, they are sitting on the Kitty too !!!!! Only the kitty has spawned, and now it is both under their dinner table and also on their chairs. We hear you in your shout out to Stephanie, oh ABC, but we really do not need to see that again.

Conversation at dinner is truly painful. "Tell me why New Zealand is your favorite place," says Big D. "Oh, um... it's pretty. . . .um, I will take away some great memories here (and also, I know nothing about this country)." Big D comments that both her parents and her sister & bro in law sat apart from each other during the visit with her folks, and Molly confirms that they are "not very mushy gushy family" *coughfrigidcough*. But of course, she behaves "differently" with people she dates and "just wants to kiss" Big D "all day every day." Essentially, the girl feeds Big D seeds all the way up the plank and into the big big barrel of water so he can drown like the good little chipmunk that he is. He eats it up, saying "everything changed" upon her acknowledgment of "love." Blech. She asks him to spend the night, and "at that moment," Big D "knew it would be a great night." She was "pushing herself to the limit" with him, and he was loving it. We are just annoyed, so let's move on to date #3.

We love the foreshadowing as ABC pans a little lamb frolicking on the hillside at the beginning of date #3. Melissa flings herself at Big D as she does every damn time they meet, but confesses that she went from being "excited and happy" to "completely scared" because he didn't get to meet her parents. She apparently thinks it's mardi gras here in New Zealand with all the beads she is wearing, but girl is in for disappointment as she and Big D are scheduled to take Winston Churchill's old boat out for a spin. Big D is impressed that she knows who Winston Churchill is, and we light a candle for the state of American education today. We light another one when Melissa says that she "over analyzes things" and that this is the "finance part" of her personality. Seriously? Finance?

Melissa worries outloud about whether not meeting her parents has blown her chances, but completely coddles him by sitting on his lap and making him feel "loved, needed, cared about." Dude, this is not coming from a healthy place. This is because Melissa has no self esteem. But in fairness, maybe what these two really needy people need is each other. "Oh Romeo," says Melissa, "my parents are laid back 'in a sense.' The would love you if only they could see how loved you make me feel." "Juliet, fair Juliet," says he, "there's nothing your parents can do or say that would make me feel different about you." We vomit a little into our mouths. Anyway, off they go to Queenstown for dinner, for more awkward coversation about her parents, yet another confession of "wuv, twue wuv," and -- showing the submissive side he loves so well -- the acceptance of a "Forgo your Individual Rooms" invitation after she allows him to make the offer before making it herself. She is not merely falling in love," babies. Nor is she in "heavy like." She is in love. And he already feels "loved by her." Oh, we all know where this is headed.

That's right, a quail crossing the road. Which is not nearly as awesome as Big D's purple tie for the rose ceremony. "This is like the shirt your middle school date wore to the dance, only turned into a tie," says KZi, and we know it to be true. Of course, by the time we see Big D again, said offensive piece of clothing has miraculously turned into a grey, marginally (though not by much) better tie. Thank god there is a stylist somewhere on the budget for this show.

Of course, we get the last minute videos to Big D to help him "make up his mind," which he supposedly has not done. Jillian calls him "babe," which we don't like. Everyone sounds like they're reading off of cue cards. And then. . . OMG Melissa has escaped her limo. Somewhere, an American Girl Doll circa Cotillion is crying out for her clothes. Melissa looks like a squaredancer eating at the Toasty Shop after a late night of swingin. It is teel blue and strapless. It has little ruffles in a figure 8 across the bosoms, pinned together with a loop of white sequins. The same ruffles go in great waves around the skirt, followed by white and teel loopy sequins...attached with BOWS to her dress. Yo Bo Peep, 'sup with your sheep? That girl deserves to get the axe for a get-up like that.

But he picks. . .
1. Melissa (WTF)
2. Molly

Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! While we are secretly happy for Jillian because she deserves better, we still feel horrible as he tells her that he concluded their lives were "just too different." She's like, "dude, I was single so what did I do? Lived my life to the fullest." This apparently threatened him, so he dumped her. What a colossal tard. Anyway, we shed big tears for her as she drives off in the limo and says matter of factly that her life has not been easy, so it would be nice to have a happy ending sometime. We heart you, J. Go be free and fabulous.

Stay tuned for next week, when the Women Tell All!! We will, um, be a little late on that blog too because we secretly don't want to go home and not-so-secretly extended our trip. Let's face it: we really want to ride an elephant. Anyhow, blog will be out on Thursday morning, babies. And on the up side, we now have no more vacation to take for the rest of the billable year, so we should have no more BNU time delays hereinafter.

Namaste.
KLo