Big Daddy Part 1: Vision of Love

Babies, Big Daddy is back. Jason Mesnik, sensitive single dad from Seattle. Shirtless runner and push-upperer and, "omg, like, the hottest dad EVER!!!!" according to one of his 25 potential suitorettes. We will try to be excited about this, we really will for the sake of our viewership, but this is our issue. Though you wanted Big Daddy, we now know what the Big Daddy wants. And our friend RMil grew them in the 4th grade before any other girl in our class. Then she turned all popular, began wearing zebra print pants, and practiced kissing boys behind the Jr. High bike racks.

But first we must meet Big D: Oh, he fell in love with Double D (NOW we get it) last season, but "her and I" (gah!) just didn't click. Oh, he loves his 3 year old son Ty, who has come to live with him and his brother Larry in the big Bachelor Pad for the pendency of the show. Oh, he is shirtless. Often. We believe that sums him up.

But the ladies, oh oh the ladies jumping on beds and practicing their golf swings and doing sit-ups and so excited to meet Big Daddy but OH MY GOD NO ONE HAS ANY EYEBROWS. And in addition, we know that we are in an Economic Decline and everyone must be Creative, but we are pretty sure that chimney soot was never intended to be eyeshadow. And finally, step away from the tanning beds, Future Sea Hags of America. That is all.

So anyway, there's Jillian, a Vancouver, BC restaurant designer who is a "polished hick" with a hot dog theory about men. We will forgive that because anyone who can embrace the inner batshit is probably a little okay. We also like Stacie, a single mom of two kids. And Melissa, just because she was a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader for two seasons and we secretly like that show about making the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleading squad, even if CMT plays the same season over and over so we have to watch the same girl get in trouble for eating with the wrong fork at etiquette boot camp.

But we do not like Dominique, who is all dewy like a bassett hound. Nor do we like Nikki, the former Miss Illinois, who dusts a table wearing her pageant sash and then mashes her ginormous breasts into a mesh-from-nape-to-navel dress while proclaiming her readiness to have children because she wanted to steal her sister's baby as soon as it was born. Stay tuned for Nikki in the Lifetime Channel Original Movie: "Beauty Queen Baby Snatchers." Jackie the wedding planner also freaks us out, in part because we are pretty sure she used to be a man. But Stephanie. Oh, Stephanie. Single mother to 4 year old Sophia. In love with Jason because he "reminds me of my dead husband," whose tombstone is IN THE BACK YARD. And while this is a moving story, we wonder whether grief or the strain of massive bosoms caused her eyebrows to flee upward, where they gradually weakened and were picked off one by one until one day, Stephanie redrew that particular street plan entirely with L'Oreal Tawny Brown.

Anyhow, so then we have Lauren the 7th grade government teacher, Shelby the something or other, and the rest of the hockey team: Naomi (flight attendant) who "can handle those bitches" and Megan the LaCrosse coach who "doesn't give a f*ck about them."

But wait wait wait, the women haven't even come out of their Limos yet!!!! Blah blah Big Daddy rolls up in his limo for the big Meet, blah blah he hasn't been lucky in love, and then....

Limo#1 : "WHOOOOOO!!!! " oh no. we have woo girls.
1. Lauren the teacher, in a leopard print dress that pretty much starts at the waist.
2. Karri. We don't know what she does and we don't care because she is wearing a hot pink mini-dress and ankle monitors. You know the shoes, gentle readers. Stilettos with a giant cuff. Because probation is totally *hot.*
3. Melissa the cheerleader/"sales rep" in classic black.
4. Sharon, an NY teacher who minces up to Big Daddy in tragic salsa stylings.
5. Natalie, a blonde tanorexic wearing Lorraine McFly's Back to the Future Prom Dress and those damn ankle monitors.
6. Naomi, a flight attendant with a tatt and ill-fitting dress she has to hoist from the armpits every 30 seconds.
7. Megan of the LaCrosse. We think she may have spit when she got out of the car.
8. Stacie from Utah, covered in sequins a la snake and with heaving bosoms blazing.
9. Jackie, whom we don't remember at all except that we wrote "Mother Goose" beside her name and that can't mean good things.

Limo #2
10. Olive Oil, aka Lisa of Boise.
11. Stephanie. OMG, KMu thinks she just saw areola.
12. A nurse practioner called......Treasure. Which immediately makes us think that my god, why would anyone give their sweet baby a porn star name and "Why yes, the doctor is in" and also "gee, 40 years from now will she end up being interviewed about the Bachelor like that 75 year old woman in the Follies Bergere t-shirt on the Travel Channel's show about Las Vegas? You know, the one named Fluff LeCoque?"
13. Raquel de la Brazil.
14. Shelby de la blonde helmet hair.
15. Nicki from Chicago. Okay, that is absolutely it. We know that we could manage to introduce more bump shimmy into our lives, but this woman is going to sashay Stephanie into the ground. Nikki's dress is so um, open, that WE -- trepid hack blogger, Bachelor guerrilla, and person who deals with her own ladybits on a daily basis -- don't know where to look.
16. Molly, a department store buyer, golfer, and slumper with a horsey hairdo.
17. Erica. We don't remember her.
18. Nicole, who wears orange AND orange blush because it is Ty's favorite color.

Limo # 3
19. Renee, a 36 year old jewelry designer. Renee has taught us two things this evening. First, we are still not too old to be on the Bachelor. Second, it really is possible for a woman to look like a T-Rex, with the little arms.
20. Jillian. So Jillian is our girl, but she has made a pinafore out of gold lame. And then soused herself in glitter paint. And she's talking about hot dogs again.
21. Dominique the bassett hound.
22. Emily from Seattle. We know nothing about her.
23. Julie from Ohio. Oh dear, still nothing (we are really shirking our attention-paying responsibilities, but red wine is oh so good).
24. Ann from Phoenix. Yet another flight attendant. Yet more sequins. Yet another display of bosom, framed in sequins.
25. Shannon the dental hygenist. A self-proclaimed "tooth nazi" who comes out of the limo wearing fake teeth. We don't like shannon.

Oh thank god we are done with the listing, only to be ever-so-much easier when 10 get the axe at the end of the night. But wait, the women are now in the house, haggling and screetching. Naomi wants Big Daddy "all over my body." Karri thinks he's "adorable." Big Daddy says that "all of the women are reacting great, and it doesn't bother them at all that I have a son." Ah, Early Man.

And so, the 1:1 times begin. Shannon has been looking at Big D's myspace page, tells him that his birthday is July 5, that he has two brothers, and that she isn't a stalker but gee, he really has beautiful teeth. Dominique Basset Hound is a medical sales rep that sells toe implants for bunions or hammer toes (I SO gotta get out of this law business). But Karri wrote a "poem" called "Is there such thing as Love at First Sight?"

Ahem.

Have you ever heard of love at first sight?
When your heart is pounding that very first night? (wow, that rhyme's really tight)
Jason - a radiant smile, worthwhile
our first meeting
all of us competing (I think my ears are bleeding)
We don't have years or even months to decide on love
It's your devotion to your son, your kindness I think the world of.
Something Something the chiefs team.
I love sushi and cookie dough ice cream. (this poem sucks rotten cheese; yes I rhyme as I please)
Let's hope that Kerri, Jason and Ty
believe it's a connection. (or at least that this poem doesn't kill your erect...).

Ok, so we might have taken liberties with Kerri's poem. But really, we had to, because now Jillian is straining our nerves because she is cooking hot dogs in the kitchen. "You can tell a lot about a man by what he puts on his hot dog" she claims. We don't really pay any attention to her explanation because her theory is based upon an erroneous single-condiment-per-dog presumption that would lead to false positives in this viewer's household. As the dog is but a vessle for all condiments, the most important of which being relish (omitted by Jillian), we are unimpressed that Jason selects mustard. Even if, to Jillian, mustard = a good catch.

And also, she makes us suffer through hot-dog allusions such as: "If a weiner gets overcooked, it does not function properly." Bad date, Jillian?

Meanwhile, Nikki is wooing Big Daddy. "I am an open book," she says and which we verify, as we can see her lungs, entire ribcage, and all flesh associated therewith. But Renee the T-Rex takes the cake. She makes "vision boards" babies. You know, where you cut out words and images of things that you want for your life, glue them to a board, and then they come true. "The universe is listening." And it is listening to her, as Renee's vision board has a Vision of Love with Big Daddy. We make a note to start a vision board tomorrow, and that board will say:
1. Laundry finished.
2. Xmas muffin top replaced by sleek hardbody without gym.
3. Eight hours of sleep.

So then Raquel steals Jason to teach him to dance, Molly steals him from Raquel, . . .Raquel steals him back. Stephanie is a low talker. Lauren tests Big Daddy's basic government enducation ("what are the three branches of the government?"). And then, OMG OMG, a NEW TWIST!!!!

A waitress slinks in with a box, and we suddenly know how we are going to Infiltrate This Show!!! We can be the waitress!!! And no, this is not just because we realize that our pants are on backwards and that is why they are fitting so uncomfortably. Rather, it is because this waitress, venus, is the only normal looking woman in the entire joint. We can BE THAT WOMAN, readers!! hurrah!!!!

Oh, so the whole idea is to put the name of a woman that you want to leave the house that night into the box. Every woman votes, and the woman with the most votes goes home. Jackie the wedding planner is now drunk and talking about how she broke off her engagement by laying the ring on the guy's bedroom pillow...married another guy shortly thereafter, and then divorced him. Looks like a couple votes for Jackie. But wait, Megan the LaCrosse coach is talking about leaving her 14 month old baby behind for the show, and some women think that's not cool. Oh, but then there's another chick knocking back the vodka. Oh, that's the Erica we couldn't remember. Tough call.

Anyhow, in the end, Megan gets the most votes and has to leave....with a rose!!! "You a**holes" she says to the women as retrieves her rose from Big Daddy. Nearly vomiting into her champagne glass, she confides to the camera that she doesn't know why she has this rose -- does Big Daddy want her around?

Oh yes, and somewhere in here, Nikki gets the "First Impression Rose," probably because he was able to inspect all of the goods, so to speak.

And in the end, Nikki and Megan are joined by:
1. Lauren of the leopard print.
2. Kerri of the poem.
3. Naomi. WTF.
4. Natalie McFly ankle monitor.
5. Molly.
6. Raquel.
7. Stephanie bump shimmy.
8. Melissa of the cheerleaders
9. Jillian.
10. Shannon the dental hygenist.
11. Olive Oil/Lisa.
12. Sharon. WHAT????
13. Erica.

In the words of ABe, "well, he gets what he deserves from this point out." I mean, no wonder the man is still single.

Stay tuned for the upcoming season, in which we have many uncomfortably-closely-filmed kissing scenes to suffer through, as well as "cat fights" and ... the surprise return of Double D. Lo, the road will be steep, but we shall climb it together. One rose at a time.