Double D Part Finale: She wants, she wants to be Jesse's Girl!!!

We got in the mood for Double D Part Finale with a few tea lights on the table and a glass of wine. Really, we must start drinking now because we see a preview of Jesse crying and that cannot mean good things.

First we must suffer through a recap of Deanna's relationship with the two final contestants. Big Daddy is gazing out at the golf course wearing nothing but ginormously long shorts. Boys may call these "basketball shorts" but we all secretly know they are capris. Blah blah, their emotional journey, blah. Then we have Jesse, also topless and looking out at the beach. Blah blah, the government is giving away free money!!!, blah. We heart Jesse, but if we must see that jacket from the first night one more time, we may go blind.

But soon it is time to meet Double D's Dad, sister Chrissy, and brother Thomas in Noona, GA. Sayeth Deanna, "Yeah, you know how open we all were with Brad? Yeah, I told the guys it's not gonna be that way." Yikes. But omg, they have a puppy that looks exactly like GMu (though it cannot compete with the Gip). And also, WTF why did they put their other dog in a little outfit? We think of the old couple we saw on television that calls monkey in a dress their child, and we say let that be a caution. You are one step away from dressed monkeys, Pappas family.

Anyway, so Big Daddy shows up first with flowers for Dad and Double D. Dad asks what happened in Big D's previous marriage, to which we once again learn that his ex-wife started a relationship "with someone else." And also, said someone was the babysitter Becky (I mean, how many ways can you not say this, Big D.). As Dad is pondering whether Double D is ready for an instant family, Sister Chrissy steals Big Daddy for some intense discussion. Can you guarantee that you will take care of her emotionally? Do you love her? Sister Chrissy, now your time has come.... to kick some ass.

This date ends with Big Daddy asking Deanna's dad permission to marry her, and then playing golf in the front yard. He is perfect, blah blah blah.

Sadly, we have retreated behind the afghan by the end of Jesse's date, which begins with brother Thomas smelling fear: "His hands were sweaty." Dad asks Jesse about why he snowboards, and Jesse says "it's something fun." Dad asks how long Jesse is going to keep having said fun, and we do not hear the answer. Dad asks if Jesse has ever been in a serious relationship, and Jesse says he lived with another girlfriend but they grew apart. Dad asks what happens after the butterflies and sweaty palms go away, and Jesse says this is all new to him. So let's recap: "Dear Mr. Pappas, I am just having fun right now, totally shacked up with another woman with no plans of marriage, and have no idea what to do after the romance fades." We love Jesse, but dude is 0:10 here.

We are also now scared of Mr. Pappas: "If you take my daughter away from me, I have a son. I have a 6'5" 300 lb. nephew. We will come hunt you down." He is all offended that Jesse did not ask for Double D's hand in marriage. "That is the way he is, and that is the way he is going to be." We feel that Mr. Pappas is being a little harsh.

Thank God we have Date #2 with the entire extended family, even if Sister Chrissy is wearing some sort of horrible pink top and yellow sweater. If we cross our eyes a little, we think we see "Bud's Bowling Team" on the back. But oh oh oh, both boys have shown up at the same time (welll, almost), and now Double D is sitting between them with a hand on each thigh. Dad asks what Jesse's pros and cons are, and Jesse includes the word "rad" in his answer.

And then we know the way we know about a good melon. We do not like Big Daddy. He is holding her hand through the entire meal, he is working the room, he is promoting his own Greek food stylings ("I make a mean moussaka"), and he is asking Double D's grandparents about the "secret to a happy marriage." [sidebar: we love grandpa. He says "the secret is, when your wife asks you for something, you agree. Always agree with your wife."].

This is our thing: we like humility in our person of significance. We do not need to hear how fabulous Big Daddy is from the mouth of Big Daddy all of the time. And also, we like that Jesse is asking more questions of the family than he is informing them about himself, even if he teaches Grandpa and Grandma how to knock the rock and blow it up. Dear Boys: If the conversation consists more of you telling than asking, you are sucking wind, no matter how much she smiles at you. And no, it is not a free meal: she is paying so that she does not feel guilty not going out with you again.

This public service announcement was brought to you by the BNU.

And that is why we heart Double D's sister in law, Crystal, who champions Jesse to Double D. But crisis: Ya Ya (Grandma) says Big Daddy is the right guy for Deanna. We are also still scared by Mr. Pappas, who asks Jesse if he is ready when Jesse finally asks permission to marry Double D, and then knocks fists with Jesse when Jesse attempts to shake afterwards. We suspect that would have been a punch off-camera. "When you have my beautiful daughter with you, you keep the hair short," he says. Eek.

The Ultimate in awkward group dates finally ends with a double shot of Ouzo for the boys. "Opa!!" says grandma after fist bumping with Jesse. Deanna holds hands with both guys as she walks them to their cars (awkward), and then asks Crystal and Sister Chrissy who they like. Ooooo, Jesse may be less experienced, but he may be a better fit because is Double D really ready for an instant family?

But we don't get to find out yet, as Jeranilla now appeals Deanna's previous judgment against him. He is back in the Bahamas, babies, and seeking closure while also wearing trousers and a button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Dammit, he has been in our work wardrobe again.

Jeranilla tells her that she is making a big mistake with sending him home, that he had been a statue until he met her because he had to stay strong for his family after his mom's death, and that he realizes that he is to blame for her decision because he hadn't really done his part and let her see who he was. Our hearts break for him when she tells him that she just wasn't falling in love with him and he goes off to cry in the parking lot. He doesn't understand that him sharing himself with her is not the same thing as falling in love. Decision affirmed.

So........tears aside, Double D meets up with Jesse for their Last Ditch Date- a sea plane ride to a private island for the day. But what if you have to pee? We do not see a port-a-john lurking behind a palm tree. Anyway, Jesse talks about "everything that her and me have," and we think that ABC should screen for grammar along with STDs when selecting contestants. But Jesse redeems himself by making her a book of memories. Oooo, best gift ever, even if he also spells "Onesie" as "onezie."

Last Ditch Date #2 with Big Daddy begins with Big D stumble-running towards her. Yes, Big Daddy, everyone's a winner. But we are not so sure about this prize: scuba diving with the sharks, i.e., kneeling in the water as the sharks bump up against you. KMu suggests that ABC drop a fake leg with a sock on it into the water just for fun. So, Big Daddy made a board game called "eight roses" as his gift, for "her and I to play." WTF is up with the grammar. I mean, seriously. We love the idea of a board game, although the directions "play until you reach the fairy tale ending" totally ding the ick meter. We are going to burn in hell for our lack of romanticism.

Following these dates, Deanna contemplates the guys ("Jason: safe, caring. Jesse: big heart, personality, exciting) as Big Daddy seriously picks out The Ugliest Ring Ever. Hello, Elizabeth Taylor circa Now. He may be "ready to complete his family," but daaaaaaamn. Now we have to vote for Jesse, even if he includes "many years of whip creamy cheesecake" in his drafted speech to her. We heart you so much, Jesse, that we are willing to suspend our whipophobia for you.

And the first man out of the limo is.......Big Daddy! We hear a wail go up across the miles, and that sound is coming CHue, a huge proponent of the Daddy. Sorry CHue, but this is really all for the best. Big Daddy goes down on one knee, she says wait wait and pulls him up, says she is in love with someone else, cannot have him go through with this. And he is stunned. And we are watching from behind the sofa. He was "so ready to be in love again" but now has his "body armor up." Poor, Poor Big D.

But yay for Jesse, whom we love a little bit more because it is so evident that he does not think he is going to be picked and is deep breathing all the way down the walk towards Deanna. He tells her he is in love, and will she spend "forever" with him, and she says yes, that she loves him, and then suddenly Natasha Bedingfield is singing "it's impossible, Mr. Loveable..." to a montage of kisses. The end.

But it's NOT, because we have a Bonus "After the Final Rose!!!" ["There's ANOTHER HOUR?!?" says PMu in depressed tones.]. Big Daddy is back, and dude is pissed as he watches a recap of what went wrong. Yes yes, he is still in love, all the women in the audience are "aw"ing at him, she is one in a million, etc. And then "she" walks out to answer his questions.

We must give props to Deanna, who completely holds her own against Big D. Apparently, she picked Jesse the morning of the rose ceremony, she had a list of qualities she wanted (and Big D had them all) but then realized she wanted something different, she was more planned with Big D than she was with Jesse, she let Big D get down on one knee because she got caught in the momentum of it. And she has more compassion for Brad Wombat out of this whole situation than she ever thought she would. But Big Daddy is optomistic about his future: "I've proposed now two times. The first one worked out 'kinda.' The second one not at all. The third one's got to be the charm, right?" Oh dear.

And then OMG, it is Rocky and Shayne of the Llamas. La Llama has hugely blown out hair and no pants. Rocky has a buzz cut. They are still engaged, still in love, and deny that he did this show to get a green card. We are pretty sure that he says something horribly politically incorrect with respect to that last item, as some word involving "akistan" is bleeped by ABC. Fucktard. We give it two more months.

Finally, Deanna and Jesse reappear for a look back on their romance. Jesse says he didn't know she'd say yes until she did, and that "when I brought her home, my parents were so psyched and I was like, 'whoa.'"

This Blossom flash back has been brought to you by ABC.

Anyway, they confirm that they are still happy together. And we actually think that they are. Everyone hugs the parents, they announce a date for the wedding (May 9, 2009), and ABC gives them tickets to Greece for a honeymoon.

So it ends. Thank you for hanging with me, my babies. See you next season, when *rumor has it,* Paula Abdul's ex may be the new Bachelor. Game on, babies. Game on.

KLo