Double D Part 2: A Case of the Twillys

In the words of my girl Joni, If I. Could Drink. A Case of [Twilly]. I Would Still Be On My Feet. And Halfway Down The Street. Do doo, do doo do do do do.

And so Episode 2 begins with an SUV Limo (which we all hate because all we can think about is how much ABC is killing the environment with inefficient vehicular wastefulness). But when the 15 guys pile out, we are somewhat mollified. ESPECIALLY because we see Richard (aka Our Beloved), whose name we would draw in careful cursive with a heart as the dot on the "i" if we were in second grade. And that is saying a lot because we can't even spell our own name in cursive without leaving off the T.

But we are very excited about the boys' living situation, as they will all be in the guesthouse behind DD's mansion except for three lucky guys who get to live with DD for the week: Jesse the snow boarder, Jeremy the attorney, and Our Beloved. They other guys get bunk beds with horses and cowboy boots on the sheets, and a cold shower outside with no curtain. In the words of Twilly, "There's gonna be a lotta shrinkage, boys." Sean Buttafuoco freaks out because he's never lived in a room with 12 other guys before. We are surpised that he would admit to a) never going to school or b) camping a day in his life, but we are unsurprised by his intensely voiced "want/need to get that rose."

So date box #1 arrives, for Jason the dad, Ryan-Like-A-Virgin, Twilly, S. Buttafuoco, Paul the Canadian, Fred "da Bears" Chicago attorney, and Our Beloved. "Do You Believe in Magic," it says. Oooo ooooo ooo we do!!!!

This is apparently DD's first date since Brad Wombat dumped her last season, and it gets off to a totally awesome start as a couple of the guys stick half their bodies out the car and scream like a bunch of drunk teens as they go through town. DD takes them to a private magician's club, in which we discover that Ryan-Like-a Virgin (RLaV) can only speak in cliches: "All I could think of was making these guys disappear." Fortunately for RLaV, Jason is there to explain that DD was walking them "into her own private magic room." Way to go, Smoov D.

Anyway, this guy does a bunch of magic tricks involving a bird, which RLaV gets stuck holding. We secretly wonder if the bird is named Jo Jo and bites, as we *might* have had a little experience with an attack parrot this weekend in Canada and are consequently suspicious of all fowl, however seemingly docile and unassuming. But nothing so exciting happens. Instead, DD picks Jason to go into the Box in her Private Magic Room (hahahaha mind = gutter) and they both disappear for 1:1 time. Jason still doesn't tell her about his son, and he admits he likes old Michael Jackson. As they are gone, the ditched boys debate whether DD is going to "get physical" with anyone this early in the game. RLaV is all bummed that Jason "gets to be with her, bodies touching" hey! for the very first time.

We then have a line-up of 1:1 times. Of note, S. Buttafuoco is wearing possibly the worst suit ever. We believe this is why the trick piano chose to mock him as he talks to Deanna and decide we might need to take up trick-piano lessons. But said suit is striped. Only, it's striped like how you learn to shade a circle so it looks like a ball in 4th grade art class. Like these weird Mr. BoJangles-y darker then dark then light then lighter strips of terribleness that won't stop 'til we've had enough (that was for you, Jason).

A couple guys try their hands at magic (S. Buttafuoco's trick is cracking his knuckles. I speak the truth.), and then Twilly "makes up" a Greek myth that goes on. and on. and on. This is only made tolerable by subsequent 1:1 time with Our Beloved. Would it be inappropriate for us to go to Binghampton NY and go door to door asking for Richard? We think not. Particulary as he makes her an origami rose out of a piece of paper. Le Sigh. An origami rose is only second to an origami chicken in our book.

Meanwhile, RLaV is attempting to call Twilly out as the "least genuine person here." WTF dude, this is like day 1, date 1. We appreciate that he has strong convictions, but we are somehow not shocked that RLaV might be really judgmental. DD is worried she would corrupt him.

Finally, Paul and Fred get a little 1:1 time with DD, which Paul mostly monopolizes. He may be 23, but he has a Canadian maple leaf on his calf (oh Canada!) and actually presented himself pretty well. He cuts Fred out of the conversation without being dastardly about it,and he ends up getting the Safety Rose at the end of the date. Nice work, Paul of Canada.

Back at the ranch, Jesse and Jeremy have disclosed that date #2 is going to be a private date for Graham! "Get ready to be swept away" it says. Alas, they are not to be cleaning chimneys, but flying a kite. Ok, so we get the attraction to Graham as he is tall and lanky and while not necessarily as nerdy as we might prefer, still tall and lanky. But we are undecided about him. We appreciate his Southern charm, but think he may be a fuckwit masquerading as a man when he reveals that at age 29, he's only been in one serious relationship (which was also of short duration) and he seems to give some pretty half-baked answers to DD's questions about what he wants for his life. Of course in the end, he wins her over and gets his Safety Rose.

P.S. He gets the first kiss, and it isn't pretty.

As Graham is charming Deanna over roasted marshamallows and a fire on the beach, Date Box #3 arrives for Chris of the medical sales, Robert the Chef, Brian the football coach, Ron "Soul Patch" Cyrus-Thick, Jesse the snowboarder, Jeremy the attorney, and Eric the Greek. "A diamond is a girl's best friend: Step Up to the Plate" It says. Jesse is totally psyched because he loves baseball, but we don't hear a word he says. We are too busy having a seizure looking at his outfit of black, white, stripey, zig-zaggy, blue and red. RLaV informing the guys that he is a virgin for the 100th time in the next "flash back to the ranch" during Graham's date does not even qualify as an aftershock.

Unfortunately, Twilly has become a Single White Female. He is so jarred by RLaV calling him out as disgenous that he decides to poach DD after her date with Graham. He hides in the bushes as she kisses Graham goodnight, then jumps out to tell her that "my family would love you. My friends would love you. If we didn't get to know each other, that would stink." DD is obviously really uncomfortable and we cringe for her.

Off we go to Date #3 in that damn SUV. "Whose the pinkie in the popped collar?" KMu wants to know. That would be Robert, the Chef, who is pretty much a whiney ass. And also wearing a pink Izod polo. But oh oh oh, here comes Tommy LaSorda out from the Dodgers stadium dugout. He tells Deanna, "You got your work cut out for you. There's not a real good lookin' guy out here." We love you Tommy! He gives the guys a pep talk that makes him our hero: "This is some serious stuff. Deanna's gonna spend the rest of her life with one of you. So show her you're serious." We think every Bachelor should have Tommy LaSorda episode. But in that episode, there should be no singing. This conclusion is affirmed when Tommy picks Chris to sing the National Anthem, but Chris doesn't know the words and has apparently never heard of the concept of "pitch." Says Tommy,"You're telling me you don't know the national anthem? Get outta here." We later learn that at least two other dudes had to try before Ron was able to sing it almost through.

Anyway, we then have Our Own Personal Nightmare: A home run derby. Having been unable to hit even the wiffle ball in high school, this competition would be like the 10th circle of hell for us. As it also turns out to be for Eric, Robert, and Chris (who, despite playing in the minor leagues, biffs every ball that comes his way). But Ron and Brian get two home runs, Jesse gets one, and Jeremy the attorney gets.....six. Whatever firm he's with better put him on their softball team.

We have a few 1:1 times during this date, including Eric the Greek talking about Greek culture and his Greekness in response to Deanna's question: "Tell me something about you different. All I know is that you're Greek." Brian the football coach also comes out of left field, talking rather pointedly about what he wants and is ready for based on how he has lived his life. Finally, during 1:1 time awarded Jeremy for killing his competition, he admits to Deanna that both of his parents died within a few years of each other. Our heart breaks for Jeremy, and we like him a little more. When Tommy later tells Deanna that she has to "be a visionary, go by your intuition. It's not what you see know, but what it's going to be like after you're married that matters," she picks Jeremy to give the next Safety Rose. He's now 2 for 2, which means he will be universally hated. Especially because ABC broadcasts DD giving him the rose on the stadium jumbotron for the other guys to witness. That was shitty, ABC.

And now it is time for the rose ceremony, in which we love Deanna's dress and its swoopity "I am Venus and yes I rode here in an oyster shell" esqueness. As the guys file in from their Guesthouse, Jeremy says "welcome to our home." As predicted, this makes Ron "Soul Patch" Cyrus-Thick totally over-react. First, Ron attacks Deanna: "Couldn't you have spread the roses around a little?' We heart DD for shutting him down: "If you're jealous, then step it up." He then decides to incite a riot against Jeremy by spending the rest of the rose ceremony telling Jeremy that he is being "uncalled for, immature, and disrespectful" and egging the other guys to be critical of the J. We hope Ron gets voted off the island. At a minimum, our Dick Alert is at Level Orange. It may go to Level Red if he says he "swapped souls" with Deanna again, as he did after 1:1 time.

This is all too bad for Deanna, because Twilly is now free to intercept her. "I don't think Deanna has a case of the Twillys" says he. Yes, Twilly, that would be correct.

But as she emerges from Twilly-gate, Deanna sees the guys gritching at each other and decides that a push-up competition would be good. And this is the best part: The last two guys push-uping are Brian the football coach and Jesse the snow boarded (who wins it with 100 push ups!). Holy crap. I guess I could see that because he has to be in shape to snow board, but he just doesn't look like that kind of dude. He wins some 1:1 time for his efforts, in which he tells Deanna that he's working hard now because he can't snow board forever. He'd really like to be a stay-at-home dad because his dad was gone all the time when he was a kid. OMG, Jesse, you need to start dating female attorneys.

So Deanna picks (to join Paul, Graham, and Jeremy):
1. Ron "Soul Patch" Cyrus Thick
2. Jesse
3. Robert aka "Pinkie La Chef" (what???)
4. Brian the football coach
5. Jason the single dad
6. Fred "da Bears"
7. S. Buttafuoco (I mean, WTF)
8. Richard (YAY!!!!! Richard Richard he's our man, if he can't do it no one can!!!!! GooooOOOOO RICHARD)
9. Twilly. We no longer have words.

RLaV says that he's a nice guy -- andwasvoted the nicest guy in 8th grade, as a matter of fact. He also says "It's never fun when a girl tells you 'no.'" We would like a moment of silence to appreciate the awesomeness of this comment.

Stay tuned for next week, which is um, tomorrow, because I am terrible.

KLo