Rocky Part 5: Bon Soir, Bitch.

In the words of Ms. Shields, the only thing between me and my Bachelor is.... a 185 page project that was due yesterday. But we are back, babies, and in time to learn that the Choice Ladies are going to Sun Valley with Matt!!! As we do not skii except on the bunny slope in 4th grade without poles and rockin' our favorite red-and-white terry cloth twisty hair band (we *might* have a picture of this tragedy), we were interested to learn that Sun Valley is in fact cold. And in Idaho.

Ok, so this is the group date for Shayne, Chelsea, Noelle, Marshana, Robin, and Amanda, with two 1:1 dates during it. We are back to disliking Shayne, who is excited because "I skii really well, surprisingly. I am glad to I can show him my skills. I snowboard really well." While S-Llama may get an A in self-promotion, Noelle has her beat in the mad-knitting skills. ERo, if you are out there, you know I heart the knitting you do for me. But if you EVER make me hot pink glittery knee high socks/slippers, I will totally wear them every day.

So Matt is waiting for the ladies and of course playfully has an "impromptu" snowball fight. He carries Noelle into a snowbank with her backside flapping in the breeze like she is parasailing and then picks Marshana up by the ladybits to throw her in too. She does not want to get her fur-trimmed outfit all messy, and now we REALLY know we are in trouble (in case we missed the memo about strange men grabbing us by the bits to throw us in the snow). He drops them off to "freshen up" in their room, and Robin starts boiling water for a bunny as she talks about how she NEEDS 1:1 time with him but is not admitting it to herself (just the viewership).

Matt comes back to pick up Chelsea for their private date, which involves a sleigh ride. Dear readers, at this point we must hang our heads in a moment of silence for the Mu family, whose own sleigh-ride experience a year ago involved the following: 1) a crazy man in overalls and a santa hat, 2) on a dude ranch in the middle of Wisconsin (horses, donkeys, potbellied pigs) 3) in a sleigh built himself, 4) pulled by horses in bows so old they had to rest every few minutes, 5) as he told stories about (in the words of KMu) "the 'Indians' who lived 'and killed the whites' and how he found the skeleton of a three year old boy who had drowned in the 'crick' (translation: creek) in his property last year. "

This is where people go to die.

But not, fortunately, where Matt takes Chelsea. However she may not be lasting very long, as she spends the entire sleigh ride telling him how much she hates PDA. She doesn't like handholding ("no sudden movements, buddy."), but can handle linking arms. He becomes a bit concerned because he's an affectionate person (is THAT why he's been snogging every single chick within five minutes of the last?), but she saves the day at dinner when she WRITES HER OWN FANTASY DATE CARD and does the whole speech. He hopes they can "turn a corner" and find romance. We think there is dim hope for that one, as she covers his entire mouth in a kiss. We are very scared and hope that he does not sprout an alien baby by episode 6, though we suppose he deserves it for telling her he hates her sense of humor. He was kidding "of course," but we think that mean sarcasm has no place outside of Ever (and this blog) and so he can sod off.

Back at the ranch (ha ha it really is one), Marshana is all pumped because Noelle got the next one-on-one date. We think it is more likely than not that she is happy Robin didn't get it. We soon understand why, as he takes the women (sans Noelle and Chelsea) skiing. And then he says it: the words that cement his position in Big Dumb Bachelor Boobdom for ever and ever, amen. "Not only was I dating four women, but two were virgins.....on the snow." That is it, we Do Not Like Him. And frankly, he deserves Robin, as she decides that a group date is a "really important opportunity to figure out why I didn't get some 1:1 time." We are a little scared.

Matt is, of course, oblivious because he is teaching Amanda how to skii by telling her to "stick your sexy ass out." Matt, I think Juvenile really said it best: "You're a fine mo'fo' once you back that ass up, back that ass up, back that ass up...." And our faith in Amanda developes a hairline crack, as she says Matt's patience with her shows that he will be "such a good dad" after that little episode.

The lesson with Marshana (the other apparent "snow virgin") does not go as well. Marsh is naturally "in pain" because of her boots and wipes out about 10 times. We actually don't see much of this except during the credits, when she can't get on the skii lift because her skiis won't go forward in the slippery snow. As that happens to us every time we skii cross-country, we do not throw snowballs.

So then we have Shayne, who is a "snow monkey" whooshing down the slopes beside Rocky on her snowboard. We notice that she is the only girl wearing her own snow gear, and not the North Face jacket provided by ABC. We soon understand why, when she wipes out so that she can get Matt to sit down beside her in the snow....and then PULLS OUT A HUGE BLUSH BRUSH, EYELINER, COMPACT, AND LIPSTICK because "you have to look fabulous even in the snow." Wait wait, we need a ruling from the Panel. We believe S-Llama has just pulled a snowbunny out of her ass.

But then.... na Na na NA naNanaNanaNanaNa.....Robin swoops in on her Snowboard of Fire and interrupts Matt locking lips with the Llama and pushes Shayne away so that Robin can confront Matt about why she didn't get 1:1 time after having a really awkward conversation about how each of them are "checking each other out." He tells her he didn't need one because he already had a good sense of her (run, Forest, run), and then they kiss. This viewer has seen plenty of mack-happy Bachelors in her day, but kissing girl B 5 seconds after macking girl A is just plain gross.

But apparently he needs to get in a hot tub with these women. The only point of this worth noting is that Shayne is basically not wearing a bathing suit and ABC is covering her bits with black boxes on the screen. Oh wait, that's her suit.

So finally, we have our last 1:1 date with Noelle. She has some serious Boots Made for Walking, but just not on ice because the six inch stilletto cannot handle it. We also would like to note for the record that in a pinch, her earrings could double as Throwing Stars. But this is our thing: we LIKE Noelle, or "Neo" as we shall call her because she is (is she?) The One. Just because she is normal, stilletos and throwing stars aside. They ice skate (badly) and talk about how life is short and you have to be grateful for what you have. Followed by fondue with strawberries. Seasoned viewers know how I feel about chocolate covered strawberries and their grossness, so we will focus on the conversation. It is ickily eet, (Neo: "I can't pull you." Matt: "But you can hold me." Neo: "I knew you would be trouble." Matt: "you are trouble too.") GOOD GRIEF, just put a dart in me now. We still like her, though.

But gentle readers, tonight it is a full moon. We know this because Marshana has gone batshit. And also because ABC showed us that it is a full moon. The women back at the ranch are having a discussion about taking Matt home next episode, and Marshana is all "I have risen to every occassion. I've seen how he lives, now I want him to see how I do." And every cooperative, Robin is like, "no you haven't. You' haven't been to england. This isn't real." And Marsh is like, "Do not be condescending. I WILL NOT HAVE IT." Then Chelsea jumps it, "Marsh, you have had a negative attitude most of the time." Marsh: "YOU WILL NOT MISQUOTE ME. I WILL NOT HAVE IT. I. WILL. NOT. HAVE. IT.' And fingers are flying and pointing and shaking and people are yelling and S-Llama busts it up as Chelsea keeps a banister between Marsh and herself. But you know, in the end it has given us the absolute best speech of the season:

Marsh; "It was a big shock to her the women call me negative. I am a great person. I am nice. I am friendly. I am thoughtful. I am SO giving. I am SO charitable. I am a great person and no one can tell me otherwise."

damn.

Apparently, everyone made it out alive, because suddenly we are at the rose ceremony. Marsh is magnanamously talking about how it is hard to get along with other girls without getting in fights and Robin is all, "but we did fight, dude. All our goals are the same: send these girls home one by one." We are torn between giving Robin a high five for honesty and locking our door.

Of course Marshana tells Matt what happened because she "feels its important for him to hear it from me." It goes something like this: "For some reason, the girls starting questioning my intentions for being here...." It had nooooothing to do with her nearly busting a cap in Chelsea at Sun Valley, nooooo. So she goes on like this for awhile, and then Chelsea comes to talk to Matt....and Marshana won't leave. We later learn that Marsh is all pissed that Chelsea stole Matt away, but Chelsea has a good point: if Marshana hadn't have spent the first 10 minutes bitching, she would have had the time to tell Matt what Marsh wanted him to know about her. Chelsea, we think Marsh pretty much did just that.

Anyway, so Matt is concerned about Chelsea's ability to be romantic. Robin is antagonizing Marshana ("wow, your logic is impenetrable.") and making friends ("I want Matt to kiss me goodnight. And I always get what I want.") and Shayne is like, "can't we all just get along?" But then she loses huge points by telling Matt that she can't wait for him to meet her family so that they all can tell him how fabulous she is.

And then it is the moment of truth. Sidebar: omg, how on earth does Marshana walk in that dress of sequined stroubly cut pieces. And omg, where do we get white patent leather shoes like S-Llamas?

And he picks:
1. S-Llama "you chose me first this time!"
2. Neo (marsh starts to wilt)
3. Chelsea (marsh wilts even more, bottom lip starts to tremble)
4. Amanda! (who's "take that, bitch" look at Robin is just awesome).

Robin gives him a look of death, probably with her earlier comment "I am 95% sure I am getting a rose" ringing in her ears. She says "bon soir" to Matt and them immediately leaves. Marshana magestically concludes that there is nothing left for her to do but go home 100% the lady she arrived being.....and then trips on the stairs (told you that dress was crazy).

Our only remaining question is where S-Llama is hiding her blush brush now (go look at the pictures on ABC and you will see what we mean).

Stay tuned for next week, when Matt takes the remaining women home to meet their families.

klo