Rocky Part 1: One G-String Over the Line, Sweet Jesus

oooooo, OOOOOOO it is time for the Bachelor, Gentle Readers. And his name is Matt, but we do not care because he is a 6'5" version of Rocky Raccoon. "So he is a massive tool," predicts our erstwhile viewing companion, KMu. We are predisposed not to like him because a) he has the name of boyfriends past, 2) he has teeth that could build a dam, and 3) he just walked barefoot across the street la Abby Road (because he is British, and that is what the British do). He is also a Banker, which we *think* sounds glamorous until we think of all the bankers working in our very own building and their red noses.

But we digress. Matt/Rocky you see, likes American women. He's always had a "thing" for us. Yes yes, we are all fabulous (yes we are). But we are also concerned that though only a baby of 27, he is ready to settle down.... and no better person for whom to settle than one of the haggity gaggle descending from the limos as we type.

Except that we like Amanda, who is the first one out of Limo #1. She is an account executive from somewhere or other and appears to have brains. But we do not get to dwell on Amanda before being accosted by Amy the nanny in her seagreen foam dress. We hate the seagreen, but not as much as Devon from Texas's hair, which is all poofity. We also do not like Kristin the personal trainer from NC, who has some sort of accordian red dress, or Chelsea of the pharmaceutical sales, arm-wrestling, and fake jubblies.

Limo #2 has Erin the event planner. We admit to thinking her a Great Beauty in a sort of if-Elizabeth-Taylor-were-a-cupie-doll way, except that she has a horrid line about some ring on her ring finger being a "place holder" until Matt puts something on there. That dings the "ick" meter. We also like Kelly of the medical sales, primarily because she spells her name correctly.

But then, oh no.

Dammit.

We have a lawyer.

We all know by now that the lawyers and law students in the bunch are going to Shame The Profession with a wonkity eye, or a penchant for opera at inappropriate times..... or a dress that looks like Laura Ashley threw up on her and then hung her by her ropey neck strings. And that is Rebecca. We do not consider Amanda the law student to be any better, in her "I'm an upsidedown cupcake" hot pink frosted prom dress from 1983. We might have bedazzled our own prom dress with earrings, but we are sure this is Much Worse. She also talks as if one giant run-on sentence. Why, WHY do you do this to us, ABC? ????

We are only diverted by Denise the "Former Bush Aide." Our viewing companion wants to know, "Do they mean President Bush, or......" Which is totally a valid question, as we have a HOT DOG VENDOR with jubblies like chicken wings hanging out of her dress on either side and Stacee the graduate student from Chicago, IL with a tramp stamp, Estelle Getty dress, and a "hey baby, hey gorgeous" type of come-on line for Matt traipsing out afterwards.

Marshana of New York has some sort of sari that she made, which should be fine and we should be appreciative of....except that dammit, we are sick of the lack of body fat around here and woudn't it be nice if there was some sort of soft curve not also made of plastic on this show????

We are rewarded for our thoughts by Tamara the cocktail waitress with a strubily dress, Holly the 25-year-old children's book author, and Tiffany the real estate manager. Oh, and did we mention Shayne, who is LORENZO THE LLAMA'S DAUGHTER? We are instantly mortified, as he did that show called "Hot Or Not" and had a horribly laser pointer to point out all the lady jiggle on the contestants. We hate the Llama and his pointer. We shake our lady jiggle in his general direction.

Blah blah and then we have another event planner (Robin), Ashlee the Singer/songwriter, Alyssa the biology student, and Michelle the administrative assistant who did not get the memo that all redheads should not wear emerald green and do their hair as if for the Sadie Hawkins dance. But we are impressed with Cari the church marketer, who wears a dress cut completely down to her bits and unhinges her jaw with laughter when Rocky makes a mildly funny remark. We bet she fares better with the menfolk than Lesley the youth minister with Florida bangs and a baggy dress. Last but not least are Michelle the interior designer with a voice like Beaker (meeemee mee mee) and Noelle the photographer.

OMG and now suddenly here we are....and here HE is... and he comes into the room and they blow him away. And we decide he likes horsey women and that it is really just downhill for all of us. Chelsea the arm-wrestler is now slurring her words and challenges him to a wrassle, which of course he lets her win. "I only arm wrestle women. Pregnant women usually" he says. Booo.

Then Lady Aide the Bush wants to engage Rocky in conversation about politics (she was a Rove aide first hahahhahaha), so Cari the church marketer BITES A BEER CAN IN HALF. She spits out the chunk and gives it to Matt as a token to remember her by. She is "all that and a bag of chips," according to her. We secretly know she keeps the chip bag with her for her teeth.

And then, in case it couldn't get any worse, the Attorney starts to dance. In a great big "I am channeling Elaine on Seinfeld" kind of way. And then another woman is playing rock/paper/scissors with the bachelor, and Ashlee the singer/songwriter is singing to him, and then Michelle of the emerald dress and Sadie Hawkins hair whips out her CLARINET, people. And puts the reed in her mouth because it "has to be wet in order to vibrate."

Meanwhile, Stacee of the T. Stamp is completely spiraling out of control. Says Erin, "she has no class" as Erin applies her lipstick and then sticks the tube down the armpit of her dress. Stacee is swearing like a sailor and massaging Rocky's knee as one of the event planners tries to talk about her job to the Raccoon. "You are really boring me, I'm not going to lie," she tells them, and that she's in pharmaceuticals and "wants to find a pharmaceutical that will cure something that no one would think about." Oh, and that when she thinks of England, she thinks of hybrid cars (only she can't think of the name "hybrid car" because she is too drunk). After stuffing her PANTIES down the bachelor's pocket, she passes out in another room snoring loudly.

Says Matt: "I don't give a shit what country you are from, this is not cool." as he whips out the panties...inside out....and gives our eyes a burning socket full of the secret inner panel of all womenlacing. Where things might drip if the dew hath not been shaken from the Lilly. On national television.

Thank the good lord that he gives the First Impression Rose to Amanda, first out of the limos. Although his preface is not that great: "I haven't actually spoken to you that much, but the moments we have spent together have been fabulous [and you are not a panty-stuffing batshit drunk]."

And now it is time for him to pick the 14 continuing "ladies."

1. Chelsea the arm wrestler
2. Shayne of The Llama
3. Michelle the clarinetist
4. Marshanna of the "I made it myself" sari
5. Ashlee the singer/songwriter
6. Noelle the photographer
7. Erin the Hot Dog Seller ("go meat.")
8. Amy of the seafoam dress
9. Cari "bag of chips" can biter
10. Christine of the crimpity dress
11. Robin (sort of normal, speaks french)
12. Kelly (go Kelly!)
13. Holly
14. One of the Erins.

According to Stacee, nobody can "handle" what she can bring.

We wait on pins and needles for the upcoming season, as we are treated to a preview of some happy couple in the water, him carrying her with her feet all floppity off to the side as if her fish tail is about to unfold.