BW Part 5: He's Just Not That Into You

Ok, we are SO SORRY but we hadtogoonvacationandsitinthesun even if it made us miss the Bachelor. We are sure you understand and assure you that we are fully chastized for the failure to post acknowledgement of said vacation on our blog. But we apparently did not miss much, as Chris Harrison informs us that Jenni and BW cement their deepening relationship with a romantic kiss, as they have been for weeks now.

But the reason we don't care is that the men appear to be dressing themselves this episode. Exhibit A: Chris Harrison is wearing a lattice for a shirt. No, this is not the mesh shirt of the boy we might have dated for six weeks in college before realizing that he was part of the John Birch Society (and also a mesh shirt wearer). This is bona fide lattice. With a belt. Painted on the side. We have barely recovered from this fashion atrocity before we are accosted by a 1:1 date box for Bettina Newton John.

Oh, a gondola hat. We cannot rip our eyes away from The Hat, a symbol of romance for most 30-somethings everywhere yet a symbol of the Will Rogers Follies and "Hooray for our Favorite Son" multi-color-and-unfortunately-spangled-unitard horror for this viewer. DeAnna claims that Bettina NJ is trying to be all mysterious and that it is working for her as she skulks off with the aforementioned hat to get ready for the date. But we all know that she is more than a little stupid, and that it is very easy to pass for mysterious when one must think That Hard.

So Bettina rides in the gondola, and much awkward kissing of forheads ensues. She was brought up that the woman is supposed to play hard to get. She loves his patience. They both want the same things, but she has to "show him more." He says she is perfect and beautiful, which is admittedly what we all want to hear, but not when we are wearing a midriff baring white linen jacket with elbow-length puffity sleeves held together by our grandmothers' brooch because we then know that he is either A) lying or B) a damn fool. DeAnna concludes that BNJ is the other ladies' biggest competition.

Soon, the group date box arrives for Hillary, Jenni, Double Dee, and Kristy. Ooooo, a pool party! This viewer has previously expressed her feelings on The Bikini on National Television and therefore, will not repeat the manifesto here, except to note that TB on NT is neither improved nor enhanced by the playing of "Chicken" or the use of a Slip-N-Slide.

We also discover, as previously suspected though never fully revealed, that Hilary has absolutely no self edit. We are vaguely horrified by this discovery, as we ourselves have no self-edit when pressed (ok ok, no self edit EVER), and would indeed be pressed if forced to wear both a bikini and pastel whitish eyeshadow at a pool party with a dude that claims DeAnna is the strongest woman he's ever met in his life.

But back to Hilary. She would like him to "ravish" her. She would like him to "slap my [bleep] (she said ass) a couple times" and "bend me over and [bleep blur bleep bleep] from behind. Oh dear, she "doesn't know how to say it g-rated." She tells him that she can't wait for him to meet her family, her dad, etc. and we are quite certain that her father would be pleased to learn that his little girl possesses such outstanding verbal skills and apparent flexibility. Then, she asks the Question of Death: "How do you feel about me right now?" And instead of admitting that her eyeshadow is some crazy shit and she might be more than a little intense, he sayd "Hilary, I have more fun with you than I have with another woman in a long time. But maybe we are too good of friends." And from this, she concludes that his eyes tell her that there is chemistry between them.

Dear Hilary, dudes don't do the whole "I say batshit, I mean 'stalk me'" thing.

PS, we are a little freaked by your eyes.

His other 1:1 moments on this date are uneventful. DeAnna is strong and it is driving him nuts not to get to kiss her. Which is why he wisely chose to do his private time with her directly in front of three other women. Jenni, on the other hand, he takes to the MakeOut hammock, conveniently padded so as not to leave unsightly mesh marks similar to those on the Jenni-O-Turkey we all are planning to purchase for Thanksgiving in a few weeks (already cooked magic in a fishnet that it is). Kristy's private time doesn't even make the cut for ABC, and so we know she is going home. She did not participate in any of the festivities to date (see, e.g., chicken), providing us further confirmation of this fact.

And then we are at Date Box #3, for Sheena E. While Sheena is currently our favorite by sheer necessity, we have issues with her little chin-dip and look-through-the-lashes thing that she does. It ain't gonna be pretty when you get a little older and your chin disappears into your neck, sister. But stop the presses: she has a bust in her date box. We are not kidding. WTF is that supposed to symbolize, other than the voodoo doll soon to be made by Double Dee?

And suddenly we don't care again, because Brad has dressed himself. Not to be outdone by Chris Harrison, he has decided to wear a shirt with Navajo Jewelry designs/Dead Flowers/Honestly, a freaking air-brushed squirrel on the back if one looks closely enough. He wants to see her reaction to "each of the little surprises" he has in store for Sheena-E tonight, and we have Grave Concern as she does not react to The Squirrel.

He opens the door for her at Surprise #1, and we see six dresses. Pleaseohplease pick the pleather red one with the gold bow empire top thing going on. ......or the white one (oh no, that looks like a bridal gown *tinkle tinkle*). Surprise, she picks the pink one the exact shade and near cut of her current t-shirt. But this is "right out of a fairy tale," - including the "Life is Like a Box of Chocolates" slow-speaking prince -- until she falls on her butt coming down the stairs. While she refers to this as "falling on her face," we are not prepared to believe that ABC has found someone who cannot tell those particular parts apart.

She recovers, and soon they discover where Nena left at least three of her 99 Luftballoons when he walks her into a room full of white balloons, a few red ones, and streamers streamers everywhere, rah. My viewing partner KM and I share a moment of silence in honor of the ABC interns whose lips have bled for this moment. Sheena E claims it is like floating on a cloud. We secretly know that floating on a cloud is the wedding we in which the bride made her various attendants stand on circles of tulle during the ceremony. While we make no comment on the success of this scheme, we can say with conviction that neither does floating occur at the Prom. Ever. One misplaced high heel, and POW.

BW whips out diamond earrings, which Sheena-E is "all nervous" to wear because she was "not expecting some fancity diamonds which we also were not expecting, as we are unable to google their proper spelling. She rubs her ears. Show time, Synergy!!! She wants to kiss BW, but won't make the first move. Gah. He's learned a little about her, but wants to know more. He tells her he stutters. He concludes she is a "solid girl" and glad that his twin Chad could see that.

They dance to a string quartet, a/k/a "a small orchestra" according to Sheena-E. And they share a riveting conversation:
S-E: "You're a good dancer."
BW: "You're a beautiful lady."
BW: "I like that you are always smiling."
S-E: "How could I not?"
BW: "It's kind of a fantasy, is it not?"
.....followed by a moment where I am pretty sure he cleaned her teeth.

And finally, the Rose Ceremony. BW has chosen to wear a gray pinstripe suit with a blue, pink, and other colored diagonal stripe tie. We feel dizzy. We feel worse still when we hear Sheena-E's poem to him:

I love your laugh, your smile, your touch, and the moles that run up your arm;
The patch of blonde hair on your ears, your goals--and most of all, your charm."

Naturally, BW and we both are speechless. We are so strongly fighting flashbacks to the unfortunate white leopard drawn by Ryan for Trista that we nearly miss his request for an impromptu dance and to keep the poem. We further deny that we were ever sent a poem by a boy that might have involved his version of Shakespearean-style language or burned edges OR cologne. But we certainly hope that the next time it happens, it will be both more clever and involve, at a minimum, our left eyebrow.

Blah blah, DeAnna is nervous and her heart is pounding. He also sucks her teeth. Jenni is wearing a tapestry and one of those headbands one uses to wash their face at night. Bettina NJ talks of intimacy issues, but assures him that she canNOT wait for him to "grab him all over" (think of the children, Bettina). Hilary has a white eggplant as a hairdo, pastel eyeballs again, and red red lips to go with her dress so tight that it cannot close in back. And suddenly, we see the rare VertiBoob, that creature most commonly captured popping out from the pages of Victoria's Secret under the categories beginning with "Wonder." The woman has four. And they ain't side by side. We hope to god they are real, so that we do not see the effects of Saline Under Pressure.

Poor BW. "How can he relay that she's just a friend to someone that won't listen to a word he's saying?" We give him points for perception. He tells her that he sees them as just friends. She concludes, in the next sentence back to him, that she "is probably feeling the same way that he does, and that we definately have a chemistry and I know without a doubt that you could be a lover, husband, and best friend to me." She just feels so happy. She know she feel s a connection that he just can't express at this time.

Say it with me, Helen: Wa. Ter. Wa.Ter. Water.

And he picks:
1. Double Dee
2. Jenni
3. Sheena E, and
4. Bettina Newton John.

Suddenly, Hillary is taking an eye exam. Look up to the far left corner, Hillary. Now down to the far bottom left. As low as you can go, etc. She can't breathe. We secretly know why (Vertiboob, Vertiboob, Vertiboob), her mascara is running, her purple pastel eyeshadow now progressing to pinkeye levels. And then BW does what all stupid men do: "I broke your heart and now I'm going to tell you that you are one in a million and comfort you for the breaking of your heart. By me. Because I am just not that into you." ......"And ps, you are batshit."

Off she goes in a limo.

Stay tuned for next week (which will, in fact, be blogged on Monday), in which we get to meet Jenni's grandma and her t-shirt "Honest to Goodness 100% Grandma" and like, the scariest mom ever to not reside on Beverly Hills Drive (Sheena-E's mom).

KLo