BW Part 3: White Diamonds

Episode three begins with what we all know so well: the date box. Stephy, McCarten, Jenni, Lindsay, Sarah, and DeAnna (whom we love because she wears glasses, even if the others call her McSkanky for no apparent reason. bitches, all of them. nobody puts Baby in the corner.) are goin' to the Circus, ya'll!!! Lindsay has to "step something up" to be noticed by BW, in her words. We are a bit terrified because she is from Livonia, Michigan and any model from Livonia is Not a Good Thing. But BW doesn't care, because he wants to see their "inner child" (singular) come out. We thought they WERE children, but have very little time to ponder as Sarah gets sneezed on by an elephant.

Jenni, of course, does a round-off, back flip, and back handspring, which is totally cheertastic and makes BW's hands sweat. We cannot understand how the human pretzel lady in episode 1 is freakish, but how he hearts backhandsprings in episode three. While we suppose it is all in context, we are still getting annoyed by her Eva Longoria-meets-that-littlest-girl-on-Party-of-Five look and constant laugh. But we do give her props for telling him that if she was the Last Girl Standing, she would like to do long distance for a year until her Phoenix Suns contract is up. But we are distracted from our appreciation of a Career Girl by Stephy, who reveals that she has not dated anyone since high school (about 5 years).

And did we mention that we do not like McCarten and her "brown sugar lives on" tan lines? No, we do not. Brad also seems skeezed, as he pulls her away to speak privately because he "can't figure her out." While this is hardly unusual in the species known as male, we nevertheless are forced to give him dork points when he believes her answer: "I don't need the security of a rose. If we have a good thing, I'm comfortable waiting until the rose ceremony." gah!

Blah blah and the circus MC announces that BW will give out the safety rose live during the circus! We anticipated this, and are more interested in DeAnna's Mary Catherine Gallagher impression, which the camera people are obviously not highlighting but which we think is hilarious. Which of course ends up being Stephy. Who is very sweet but lacks all manner of snap.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, the second date box arrives for Hillary: "You just get dressed, and I'll take care of the rest." Okay, people. We have our new calling. We are going to be the Poetess in Residence at ABC and also the waitress that brings out the first impression rose during the first cocktail party of the season. Because seriously.

But Hillary is all shaky and in awe because she gets to wear 1 million in jewels. Perhaps this bachelorette is an anomoly, but we don't give a billy be damned about 1 million in jewels. We also do not like the black sequined and belted dress (we hate belts) that she gets to wear, OR the look of hatred in the other bachelorettes' eyes, or that BW is all taken aback and speechless by her beauty. But we do admit that taking a private jet to San Francisco for dinner is pretty Major, in the words of our favorite spice girl, Victoria Beckham.

And then she starts to cry. And cry, and cry. Poor Bradley thought that she was fun and lighthearted, but she cries and cries and cries during dinner, and after dinner, and before dinner. BW is panicked, and so he does what any man would do: suggest she eat something. and it works: she only stops crying long enough to eat a sundae at the Ghirardelli factory...WITH WHIPPY ON IT. We hate whip. We throw up a little in our mouths. But not her, because she gets to kiss him. The only beauty in this moment is that she thinks she is getting the first kiss, but totally isn't because he's kissed Jenni with an "i" twice now. Ooo, SNAP.

Off we go to the final group date, with Kristy, Sheena, Jade (hiss), Bettina Newton John, and Solisa y her Dos Mujeres. They get to "sail away," likely with the mujeres as ballast. Sheena has been "boating her whole life," and hopes that this will give her an edge. Bettina Newton John is insecure about the fact that she has been divorced and that he might have a closer attraction to other women. Kristy the accupuncturist wants to show him her fun side. And we do not understand this, as we are apparently not angular enough to have sides. But BW does, possibly because he is very fit, but more likely because he is, at core, a clueless male who decides to give the rose on this date to Kristy in front of all the other women, while simultaneously expounding her beauty. BW, you know I heart you because you look like the Brawny Towel man, but that was really tardly of you.

But as we digress, we nearly miss that Solisa is giving BW a lap dance. OMG, she "shakes her butt fast because it's the only thing she knows how to do." Suddenly, we want to see her bio on the bachelor website. And here we are with the sides again: Sheena wants to show him her "competitive side," which she handily does by nearly peralyzing BW by cutting him off on a wave runner.

And then it is the rose ceremony. As we have watched three bachelor episodes back to back in one day, we are a bit jaded by the whole rose ceremony situation. But things liven up when Brad's twin Chad agrees to stand in my him because "there is only one person that can help me in situations like this." And if anyone can help him find a wife, it's Chad. WHAT?!? How many times has this dude been in a multi-date situation? Or tried to find a wife? And why are these men ALWAYS IN TEXAS????

We do not think these boys look at all alike, so we are rather surprised when a couple of the women completely miss that this dude is not BW. McCarten wants to know why he has the giggles, and Lindsay asks him how long he wants to be engaged and if she likes camping. Sarah thinks he's weird, but doesn't say anything. But Sheena E saves the day by immediately catching that Chad ain't Brad. She wants Chad to tell him that she likes Brad, and that she notices things, including the patch of blonde hair on his ear. LOL. Baby, that patch is gonna be a forest in about 10 years. Kristy, Bettina Newton John, Stephy and DeAnna all pick up on the twin thing too.

And then oh oh, it's tough decision time, as BW stares at all the pictures of the women (which this viewer thinks are quite unattractive and feels sorry for these women for the sins of ABC's camera person). In addition to Hillary, Stephy, and Kristy, he's "gonna go with his heart" and pick:
1. Sheena E
2. McCarten (noooooooo)
3. Jenni with an "i"
4. Jade (WTF.)
5. DeAnna (yay)
6. Bettina Newton John.

Lindsay is going to kill someone. And Solisa is devastated because she has "special parts." And she wears those special parts "on the outside." And maybe he doesn't like her "special parts." Baby, you were one lapdance over the line with those parts.

Stay tuned for next week, when we have One Night at the Improv and it's all fun and games until someone starts crying AGAIN.

k