A-Team Part 7: Almost Paradise

As Episode 7 we learn that it is not, you see, about the yachts and the sports cars, but about the life of a navy wife. And so Andy tests these ladies as any sailor might--by seeing who gives the best lei.

One by one, the women approach the USS Arizona, where Andy instructs them in the proper throwing of flowers. The USS Arizona is a proud monument. It "straddles" the hull of the ship. The gun turret rises proudly from the water. And we are vaguely horrified by all this, particularly when Bevin shows up in white culots (a curse on the culot), and a blood-red bustiere/maternity top. Well, I guess that satisfies both ends of what Forest is looking for. And then stop the presses--Danielle has seen that terrible movie with Liv Tyler and Ben Affleck with the making love under some fighting plane one too many times. As Bevin fades into the distance, Danielle looms terrifyingly ahead in some 1950s housewife get-up with front ruffled pockets, a french manicure, and stripper shoes. AND bobby pins in her hair, a la that crazy elderly lady at Wal-Mart. "Should I take it off?" she asks him, as she contemplates the best angle for her lei. She would do "anything" to be a military wife, she says. But we are truly creeped by Tessa's moment at the monument. Andy has "foreshadowing" in his mind, you see. As a faceless little girl makes a grab at their leis, Andy sees nothing but "a mother, a father, and a child."

As we are suitably skeezed, Andy's first Fantasy Overnight Date with Tessa does nothing to improve our mood. They get all strapped into harnesses and go down a zip line. He is wearing mandals. There is rock and roll music. And yes, terrible allegories: "Thank you for supporting me." "Is this like our relationship?" And then, omg, he does a CARTWHEEL. We rewind this part several times, as we now have the videotape thanks to the heroic efforts of our friend K's husband. The zippity portion of their date ends with a redneck pick up: "Howya hona." Apparently, this means "happy hour," or "end of the day." Either way, they are drunk in his "backyard" and talking about what they would do if attacked by a shark. We stand firm: redneck. Further confirmed by Andy's weird ostrich impression/whomp whomp arm pump as he demonstrates his method of shark avoidage.

Anyway, Andy is Ha-ha-ha-ha-Stayin' alive, Stayin' alive as he channels John Travolta in a white blazer with black button down shirt for his final evening meal with T. He is all glowing. She is all glowing. They eat fishes. They toast on a hammock under the stars. He pokes her in the chest, saying "any time....any place...any location.." is special when with her. She is One. Special. Lady. And then ABC ruins it all by dumping them into a fantasy suite with fluff in the tub and champagne. Ew, fluff.

Next up is Danielle on a catamaran. We do not understand her rhinestone glasses. We do not understand the choice of catamaran, or the "I'm so happy right now." "This is going to be epic." and final nod to Terrible Euphemisms for We All Know What the Are Thinking (while looking at dolphins):
"Ooo, look how close we are!"
"Oh, I just want to touch one."
"Oh my god!"
"Thank you SO MUCH."
Only to be acted out moments later in the water, as she dives backwards with Andy clinging on for dear life and their snorkles get all filled with water and we just KNOW that if they had been dating longer than 2 months she would be all "Dammit, Andy, you are trying to drown me." instead of "look at all those pretty fishes."

But she doesn't. Instead, she talks about her dead boyfriend. And we are going to feel very cruel and heartless, but here it is: we really have had enough of the dead boyfriend card being played. All we now can think of is our coworker M saying "dead puppies, dead puppies" so as not to think of something even grosser and our friend D calling bloated roadkill of all manner and variety a "kitty sleeping." And this particular kitty needs to have its little remains scrubbed off the road. So exhausted are we with all this dead boyfriendness that we relegate it to the world of acronymic diseases: the DB.

Forest thinks Danielle is "strong, genuine," but is more concerned about contracting the DB were they to continue on their "journey." So he does what any new love interest might do: he hires a psychic reader to determine whether she's really healed. We heart the psychic reader because she shows up wearing those zip-around-the-thigh-pants that we secretly thought were worn only by Sensitive New Age Men from our Hometown (the kind that never open the door for the ladies, so emancipated are we). And then we remember that we are in Hawaii. "Oh," we say.

Anyway, so Danielle *surprisingly* has talked to a psychic reader before--right after she learned she had DB!!! That Reader apparently told her that she would have a few more loves and then Lucky Number Three would be the love of her life. Well here she is on the show at #3, and isn't that amazing? Yes, we nod our heads, it is. Flash to the future, and this Hawaiian Reader tells her nothing also: She is a communicator, but has some internal sadness. Danielle notes that this is a symptom of the DB. But Andy concludes that the fact of the matter is that Danielle is over her DB and ready to fall in love with him. He whips out the fantasy suite card.

The only thing we wish to say about Danielle's fantasy suite moment is that we really hate her pink jacket. It reminds us of our junior high jacket that always made us feel like we ought to be tennis rock stars even though we were now the tallest kids in the Mighty Mights Tennis Class because we had to repeat that grade three times.

Finally, we see the last date with Bevin. OMG, this starts with cows in a field. Bevin thinks said cows are "great," but this viewer can personally attest that being stampeded by a cow while in a foreign land is no laughing matter. In any event, Forest and his Fraggle, Bevin, go on a big hike to kayak. He reminds her to "stay hydrated" and displays his mastery of the preposition:
A: "Isn't this paradise?"
B: "Yes, yes it is."
A: "Would you like to live here?"
B. "Yes."
A: "Would you like to live here in paradise with me?"
B: "Yes.

Would she like to in a box? Would she like to with a fox? We wonder, but will never know because all Andy can do is blather about he feels electricity in his very SOUL around her. Thus, there is nothing less to do but jump off a waterfall and laze around in inner tubes that suddenly appeared in the Hawaiian wilderness. We note that Bevin has a ginormous winged tattoo across her lower back and we think of her 50 years from now. There are lady bits one does not wish to feature, particularly as one ages. Gravity may not assist her in that arena.

So now we are off to dinner. For some reason, Bevin's red dress takes Andy's breath away. We do not understand, as it is nice but also a sack. We further do not understand when Bevin takes the stage to dance with the Samoan Luau Fire-Eating Dancing Men. White girl canNOT dance. But Andy does not care because he can't dance either and Bevin has just confessed that she wants to find a man that can be her "everything." We sigh and wonder what the definition of "everything" is. But they talk about her failed teenage marriage, and blah blah we are almost done UNTIL the Fraggle gets the Fantasy Suite card. Homegirl had to have prepared the speech she gave him in advance: "We already know that the passion is there between us. Therefore, I would like to accept this card if we are able to continue our conversation and get to know each other better." WTF. Then all they do is make out in said fantasy suite.

We are falling asleep.

Until MacGyver shows up, masquerading as Andy's best friend Gatsby. Ok, we secretly had a little television crush on MacGyver, whose fix-it powers were hot (especially when he stopped that acid leak with a chocolate bar. You know the episode). But we are fairly certain that MacGyver would never condescend to be called "Gatsby" even if he were the closeted gay best friend and Iron Man Triathlon partner of a Bachelor on ABC. Gatsby has some strange thatch of bleachity hair and earrings and big sunglasses and says sensitive things like, "You've spent so much time saying "yes" to one woman by giving her roses that it will be hard to say goodbye." But then we realize he must be hetero-curious after all when he asks Forest which woman he would "like to see at the end of the Iron Man finish line standing there with his kids."

And finally, the Rose Ceremony. Tessa's handkerchiefy dress would make us look like those little ghosts you can make with kleenex and a lollypop, but it works on her and we bow to the powers of tall leggyness. But we know Danielle is going home the instant we see her crochet/lace/crochet/we can't decide tea pot cozy. We hate this dress. But we also hate Bevin's dress because we hate all dresses that have a bandeau top and empire waste for the sheer fact that said dresses make the jubblies look like they grew out from the wearer's bottom rib. But this is Bevin so we don't care.

Unsurprisingly, Danielle gets the axe (told you). They cry, and we stay tuned for next week, the SEASON FINALE when Andy brings his two intendeds home to Lancaster, PA.

$10 says we see some Amish.