A-Team Part 4: It's a Rampant Beast

Episode 4 begins and ends, nearly, at Lake Ta(ho)e. And that pretty much sums it up. The women are all skreetchity because they get to go on a private jet with Andy up the coast of California to ski and do whatever else one does. Andy, you see, wants a woman who will "go the distance." We concede such woman may be Amber, who leaps from bed to bed in her excitement, causing mental images of Another Woman Down and more people like Bevin on crutches imminently. While we were 23 once, we do not recall being that excited to go to the lake.

Anyhow, we see Andy's borrowed batmobile, Andy dancing terribly in that white man way as if taking a dump in the woods, Andy ordering everyone else to wait for Bevin (Bring In the Gimp), and Andy presenting the women's chateau as if he picked it out himself....and then playing "steamroller" with the women. Because that is what one does on the Bachelor. All this viewer can think about is how steamroller would hurt her knees and how somebody would probably knock heads. We decide we are too old for this show.

But here we are, with the first date card arriving for Nicole, Stephanie from KS, Bevin, and Danielle, right beside "chips on a plate." We immediately think, "ooo, potato chips?" and then realize that gambling chips are not edible and this must be what happens when one gives up dessert in the hopes of looking less like whole hog sausage in the shame and embarrassment that is The Unitard one is forced to wear because one just HAD to agree to be in the Will Rogers Follies to help one's friend. Hypothetically speaking.

Bevin has a little melt down because it's "hard to do anything" and she "can't get ready for anything" and blah blah we don't care, ESPECIALLY since this woman has allegedly broken the same damn ankle twice before and so should be pretty adept at the crutches thing by now and after all this is only a sprain. But the women bond together and help her get ready, as one cannot do one's hair with a sprained ankle, so that they may all watch the sunset with Andy until......

Bevin has another breakdown. We decide she is a female fuckwit. This woman has wedged herself into strappity high heels and is going sans-crutches for the sole purpose of impressing some man who says things like "Do you feel a little electricity every time we touch" and "that is what human relationships are for" when he pulls her away to make out and oh yes, talk about why she doesn't seem herself that evening.

Our Greek Chorus (Nicole) in this little Tragedy tells us: "She is having a moment."

And off we go to gamble, with Bevin somehow walking (though with a limp) and then standing forever by the table where you throw the dice and the guy moves the whatzits around on the table with a little fork thingy. We are thinking about how potato chips are much more fun until Andy pulls Stephanie from KS away for some 1:1 time and we decide she canNOT win because we kind of like her and he is saying things to her like "keep on keepin' it real."

But then Danielle comes to the rescue and we cannot take our eyes off her white eyelit dress with tutu tulle around the bottom and pink shawl. That is some crazy shit. Though allegedly attracted to Stephanie from KS for showing "vulnerability," Andy now likes Danielle because she is a "very strong woman" and he would "expect nothing less from a nor'easterner." We see her in a parka with a pipe and fishing hat, and suddenly think she secretly is a man.

Of course, Bevin gets the "Special Quality Time" with Andy because she didn't get a date last week (even though she spent hours at the hospital with him and he gave her a watch). He CARRIES her to his suite, gentle readers. And then talks about how he is a nerd and always did the science fair in high school and wants to be an astronaut. Can we believe that Bevin had no idea there was a need for "underseas officers to be astronauts?" We remember all the stupid things we have said to men in our lifetime by accident, but decide she is serious and therefore not comparable to us. Which is why we have no qualms about reporting the following pallid attempt at flirting (really, we must. For the sake of the children.).

Bevin: Can you give me a check up?
Forest: I will give you a THOROUGH check up.
***smoochsmackslobber****
Forest: I just feel like you are so real.
Bevin: I can't not be real. I just wish..... [insert cow eyes]
Forest: I know what you wish. Hang in there....tell me, if I am in Hawaii, where will you be?
Bevin: Hawaii.
Forest: You are my sanctuary.

And that is it. That really is it. We rant to ourselves about the death of Romance in the 21st century, the thrill of the verbal spar, and the lack of Jane Austin in our lives. We stand unashamed in our reading of books such as Much Ado About You, which we now consider essential therapy to combat the general dullness that is the 30 year old man brain. Andy may want to be our gyro, baby, in the words of Enrique, but we have given up lamb for six months and are not sure we want to partake ever again if this is what we have to look forward to.

But first we must watch Group Date 2.

Date 2 is with Tessa, Kate of the Worm, Tina/Wing, and Fleiss Girl. If we hear "me and Andy " from FG one more time, we may freak. But we don't, because we want to see Andy teach the women to ski. Kate of the Worm hates snow, doesn't want to ski, and has no idea how to do a "pizza wedge" with her skiis to stop. Probably because pizza has never crossed her lips. It's in the shape of a triangle, Kate. And now we are thinking about pizza and hating The Unitard even more. Fortunately, Tessa, knows how to ski and does a nifty little trick of bringing Andy down the hill on the back of her skiis. We like Tessa and decide she can't win either. But Tessa makes Andy feel calm, which has us worried.

FG talks smack about throwing other girls under the bus if they get in her way. She also trashes a "certain woman" to Forest and tells Forest that the other girls are secretly annoyed because he's running around kissing everyone. But not her. Oh no, she is cool with it. She knows how this show works. Blah blah all we can think about is how by the time she is 50, she will have to draw on her eyebrows like my 5th grade math teacher Mrs. Crum, so thin and freakity are they. Poor little dears, plucked within an inch of their lives.

Weirdly, Kate then wins the trip with Forest in the gondola, which she uses NOT to get to know him but to complain about the other women, including FG, who is "not the sort of girl you would bring home to your parents." She may be correct, but she doesn't know Andy's parents and we hate her anyway for being so totally crappy.

But to all our shock and awe, Tina/Wing gets the "Special Quality Time" with Andy (what is this, Reading Rainbow?) He thinks Wing is sexy because she is not backstabbing. Wing realizes that she is "not that competetive" which is sort of hilarious because she is a med student. Wing also talks like one of those doctors in a pharmaceutical ad, all sunny while saying product X may cause blow out. According to our sister, we may not want to hear Wing's message, but it is still a refreshing change in light of everyone else's backstabbing. Hm.

Nicole/Chorus: Amber can't stop talking about Andy.

Which leads into Amber's 1:1 date, in which we conclude that we have failed as a woman. Amber takes all day to get ready for this date. Amber wants to coordinate her outfit down to the gloves and hat. Amber has the most blindingly white french manicure that this viewer has ever seen. We think of our aging makeup from 8th grade stuffed somewhere upstairs, our ragged cuticles, and our lack of knowledge about The Hairdryer, and we feel deeply ashamed that we are not upholding our end of the Feminine Mystique. We comfort ourselves in the thought that we drink a lot of water. And also, Amber is 23 but looks 40. We also see the location of Amber's date-- a stone lodge with a raging fireplace--and decide we could never survive this date because we would be much more interested in sleeping in front of the fire than talking to Forest, even if dippity food were involved.

They eat fondue and talk about women's cattiness. Jealousy, according to Andy, is a "rampant beast." As this is not news, we focus on Amber's plate-like earrings. This date ends in the jaccuzi, where Amber sits on Andy's lap (somehow without floating away; how does this happen?), and she nearly lights her rose on fire with the surrounding candles. blech.

And then we are at the rose ceremony. Ooo ooo, Kate has gotten her hair stuck in Aunt Ethel's doily tablecloth and decided to turn it into a dress just like on Gone With the Wind. Amber has some freakity beaded breastplate on her dress. Nicole has taken her Greek Chorus role WAY too seriously, in a hot pink floor length greco-roman sort of bust-minimizing from L.L. Bean swimsuit type dress. And FG believes she is "smoking hot" in this little number open to her NAVEL. She says her relationship with Andy is "very nurturing, especially on her end," and we worry that she is going to demonstrate by moving her dress an inch and starting to breastfeed. Bevin, bizarrely, is still wearing high heels and now is not limping at all. She swears she has been "counting the hours" until she sees Andy, which Andy loves and gives her more smootches in some back corner:

Nicole/Chorus: Are they talking about her ankle again?

And then we really hate Kate, who starts a rumor that Tina said Amber slept with Andy the other night. Tina?!?! Kate is an idiot if she thinks some chick is going to believe that....but Amber does and starts to cry and it is big drama until.....roses must be given. Nicole gets all buggity eyed.

And we have
1. Tessa
2. Danielle
3. Bevin
4. Tina
5. Stephanie from KS

to join Amber with the roses. Oooo, Kate, Nicole, and FG get the axe. Nicole is sobbing, but FG has a feral look in her eye and says "well, when you like someone [like that fucker Andy], you want him to be happy. And he's going to be, with or without me [the fucker]. She scares this viewer a little bit.

Stay tuned for next week, when there is Drama on the High Seas and Andy tries to impress some poor woman with "a $1M car and $2M of jewels."

K