PLo Part 7: At Least She Didn't Win Immunity

This viewer's congratulations go out to audience member #25, the only guy in the entire group watching "The Women Tell All" on stage who was totally outed as a bachelor fan on national television. Well played, ABC. Way to create an illusion of a bi-gender viewing audience by repeatedly showing the same man.

We are fairly certain that fashion has left us behind as our eyes behold the scorned damsels. Drunken Kim is wearing a huge green ruff that seriously looks like the neck-part-of-the-blouse part of an interview suit from the 1970s. Le Ca has a pink furry top, a pink glittery skirt, pink high heels, and a tiara. Desiree....oh, THAT's what happened to Jennifer Beals tuxedo top in Flashdance after the set auction for charity/she's apparently the only one to wear those Victoria's Secret suits. Agnese, despite having a dress completely cut up to her nonexistent hail damage, looks fabulash in a red kleenex. But Jamie needs to reconsider the black crochet. Having survived several ill-fated crochet episodes herself, this viewer can firmly say nay to crochet.

"Once you Get to Know Me, I'm Not as Crazy as you Think."
We believe that Lisa's interview with Chris Harrison possibly has yielded the Best Pick Up Line Ever. But seriously, WTF with her Wilma red necklace. Between the concert glow stick worn her Final Hour and this, we are beginning to wonder if Lisa would not be more comfortable in pastel colors, standing before a mirror in her mother's heels. And then we remember that she owns a house. We stand humbled on our apartment carpet, from which the dog hair from the prior owner will not come out of the corners despite repeated sweepings.

Chris H. interviews Jamie next. We are sad when we see her final date at the Italian opera, where she had no idea that she was going to get the axe because (augh) she was like dancing with PLo's sister. But then it hits us: the opera singer who we previously could not adequately describe is actually that 45ish actor that keeps popping up on different Lifetime and ABC Family movies (which of course this viewer never watches. Even if they are romances.), like the one with Catherine Heigl as the destitute woman on the prairie who is taken in by the widowed man with a young girl who doesn't take schooling seriously until Catherine comes along and shows her that reading is fun. Or the one where this doctor comes back to her hometown for a high school reunion and re-falls in love with her high school sweetheart, who has a young son that is mysteriously sick but who the doctor cures in a very dramatic way right at the end of the movie.
Anyway, the singer reminds us of that guy. Though we wouldn't know for sure.

But we decide that Le Ca is dead to us, when she tells Jamie that she shouldn't compare herself to a prostitute by saying that her opera date was like Pretty Woman. We soon learn that Le Ca only knows one big word: prostitute. Which she sprinkles liberally on the women. You know, because she's so much more classy than them.

Agnese and Le Ca take each other on in Agnese's interview, which morphs into a giant moment with Le Ca. While we have banned Le Ca from the Bachelor News Update so obnoxious is she, we are honor bound to relay this interview for the sake of Bacheloristic integrity:

According to Le Ca, Agnese is "Skagnese" because she is "like a little prostitute." Because, you know, that's the same thing as calling someone "crazy and ugly," which is what Agnese allegedly called her. Oh, and Le Ca was definately nervous going into her double date with Agnese and PLo because he had already kissed Agnese. AND she was humiliated to not get a rose, but will give herself one anyway because she is perfect. PLo, you see, has a "prince charming complex" and wants to find someone from a "lesser" background to lift out. But let's not worry about her--she has lots of friends who can't wait to hang out with her. And no, she is not a spoiled brat, although she did try to upgrade her plane ticket with her daddy's money but ABC wouldn't let her.

In summary, Le Ca is pretty sure that the Bachelor is like Survivor, since she didn't have a maid and her room was so small and she had to live with all these other women. We are pretty sure that we would feel the same way if we roomed with Le Ca, so really, her analogy is not that far off.

Finally, PLo comes out and tells us that he didn't pick anyone. He says, in the style of this viewer's friend KMu: I'm so glad that I did this [thank god it's over]. I've met some great people along the way [so don't get your hopes up that I picked anyone, audience member #25]. This is a great opportunity to fall in love [see, I told you I didn't]. I was surprised how many women I became emotionally attached to [No one really stood out for me]. Though I didn't pick any of you [because you are all batshit crazy or else too independent for my tastes], I am very happy with the result [But if I had to pick someone, I probably picked Jen just because she'd let me sleep with her].

We have a few painful questions from the ladies, which are only worth mentioning because PLo puts the smack down on Le Ca: "You think the commonality between us is money. But it's values. For this to work, you would have to be a completely different person." See batshit, supra.

Stay tuned for the two hour season finale next week, when PLo sings "it's a damn cold night" while walking alone up a darkened alley a la Avril LaVigne, crying.

K.