Travis Part 7: Gum Chewing May Help Bowels After Surgery

As we settle in with our cocoa to write this Update, we realize that the best part of our evening was this heading on Yahoo News. Perhaps the new study was what kept Ali G the Apeshit Doctor from attending the Women Tell All special interruptive episode tonight. Research...or something.

Anyhow, we are officially conflicted. Do we love Sarah as previously thought, or are we suddenly rooting for Moana?!? All the other girls now love her, having seen her softer side after calling her unstable and seeing her vertebrate hairdo. And Chris Harrison SAYS that all the viewers love her. But we are viewers, and we are undecided (yes, all of us). But we are getting ahead of ourselves.

Susan first takes the hot seat, in the black lacey top she borrowed from Jennifer the model (of whom we are no longer a fan). We are treated to a recap of her time with Dr. T. Oh, the world melts away when she's with him. Oh, she is falling in love. Oh, her mom thinks she's acting. Oh no shit. But it is apparently "straight up not real" that she wasn't gonna love T forever. Tell me, Paula A. We want to know why Suz kept a picture of her ex-fiance with her in Paris, and why this man allegedly did not want her to be an actress (Oh, I mean, "have a career," which is "really" what Susan meant when she told the girls the first time). We are especially interested in her phraseology: her mom feels bad for 'losing it' for Susan. Susan is shedding tears, Jennifer the model goes ape at Susan, the NBA dancer goes ape on Jennifer, Jennifer goes ape on the dancer, and it's over just like that.

Next up: Sarah B. Why do women wear jeans and knee high boots? I mean, it's very cute on Sarah, but we think it would be extremely uncomfortable for women with ginormous calves such as ourselves. But what we are REALLY drawn to is Tara's outfit, which she got at the Junction. Petticoat Junction (am I the only one that loved that show?) She has these black spandex leggings, a hot pink off-the-shoulder elasticized Hee Haw shirt, emerald green earrings, and brown boots made for walking. Fortunately, that is never what we see her do, since the camel toe would probably walk right up to you.

Anyhow, Sarah doesn't understand why Travis and she never regained their connection. Maybe it's because she asked him the Most Important Question Ever on a Date: "When I squeeze my boobs together, does it make a difference?" And then spoke to said cleavage: "How YOU doin?" Okay, I went to high school with this girl named Kathy who named every body part. I think her boobs were "earl and berl." or something. We suddenly wonder if Kathy and Sarah B were switched at birth. But Travis comes on stage and clarifies that it wasn't Sarah's gossip with the "girls" that did her in. Rather, the thrill was gone when Sarah became drunk on their camping date, climbed a tree with him for one-on-one time, and then couldn't remember any of it. Yes, that might do it. We recognize Dr. S has a point, but still wonder why he kept Sarah B for several episodes after that.

We also realize that OMG, we have a dress just like Jennifer's only in green!! Except, we must now distance ourselves from her because we see that she has some axe to grind against all the women. She trashes Susan, she hates Sarah B for her youth, and she really really doesn't like bugs. She is very bitter that on her camping date with Travis and Sarah B, she whittled her stick, burned two hotdogs, destroyed three marshmallows, and still got the boot, when Sarah B "played with her food" by picking at HER marshmallows. Well, Jenny, Sarah's marshmallows do bring all the boys in the yard. Especially when she squeezes them together.

Onward to Kristin Big Boobs McGee. At first we think she is wearing our letter opener around her neck. And then we think it's coins. And finally, crowns. But we never really know for sure because we are blinded by a flashback to her orange rind teeth, which she apparently thought really would Get the Guy. Travis says not so much, but he does tell her that he has this friend who Looooves Kristin. If I went on the Bachelor, it would definately be to play Wing Man for my friends. Thanks, travy.

As we've covered all the main players except Ali G, we note only that she told Sarah B to "shut the F*ck up" when Sarah told her that her feet hurt. Yes, we burn in shame for Ali and agree wholeheartedly with Travis when he says that we should all let her move on. And on.

Finally, Dr. S comes out and fields questions previously addressed in this Update. You know, the odd thing is that Chris Harrison never asks him if he's happy now, which probably means he picks Sarah from TN in the final episode and has dumped her. Even after she apparently told him that it was meaningful for him to "give her his piece of meat" on a date.

The rest of the show is a series of bloopers involving belches, B.O., and Tara's drunken adventures. We are left with a video replay of Moana and Sarah's Greatest Hits with the Bachelor. We try valiantly to care.

Stay tuned for the Season Finale, when Sarah B discovers the green eye shadow of our youth and that sequined dress from the back of her grandmother's closet.