Charlie Part 5: Missing His Meatball

The Bachelor Episode 5 only confirms how much we love Sara B, who for the first time in Bachelorette History, allows the Bachelor to pick her up at the Texas hospital where she works. She appears in sunflower scrubs and directs him to her house (which she owns at age 24. stab me in the heart) and then lets him play with her dog Lucy while she changes. It is at this moment that we notice the Pits of Despair. However, the Pits are only mildly damp, a gray hint of shadow under Chuck's arms. But as soon as Sara's family arrives (sis Rachael, bro John, Dad Jerry, and mom Cissy--WTF kind of name is that?), the pits go to the Dark Side. Perhaps it is Rachael, a buxom brunette in a plunging neckline who grills Chucky. All we know is by the end of the evening, the Pits are seeping halfway down his sweater on both sides. Nevertheless, the date goes well, a nice supper and alone time with Sara (but no kissing, thank god just yet), and Charlie leaves "feeling like a kid in 6th grade, running from the girl he likes." Yes, that is how we want Charlie to feel, even if 6th grade might not be that unusual for him. We love Sara but are convinced that she will get axed because all the best ones do. Sigh.

Next date is with Kimberley in Edmonton, Alberta. Or as I like to call it, "My Meatball has a First Name, it's Py-R-O-G-Y. For all you non-polish readers, that's Peh-ROH-gee. Anyway, Charlie aptly sums up his approach to Kimberley as "we've been getting on physically, but have yet to carry a conversation." After a little stint at an amusement park, Kimi takes Chuck to the Pyrogy House, her family restaurant, where she meets her mom Marge, Bro Darcy (definately NOT Mr. Darcy, unfortunately), and sister who I think is Brenda. Marge is just thrilled to rattle off the 11 types of pyrogies they sell: potato, sardine, cheese,...or in the words of Christopher Guest, we've got you're pine nut, your pistachio nut, your red pistachio nut, your peanut. Marge reeeeeeallly likes Charlie, don't you know. He's just sooper, especially the weh he makes them pyrogies. But Marge's date is soon over with Charlie, as Kim kicks her mom out of the kitchen and drags Charlie back to "get desert." Mm-hm. Charlie earns brownie points with this viewer by refusing to make out with Kim in the back of ma & pa's establishment.

After dinner with the fam, Kim takes Charlie to The Sapphire House, which apparently must be the only quality bar in town, because ex-contestant Jenny (who got kicked off last week) and her friend Jason (who is, incidentally, Kim's ex!) 'run into' them there! Turns out, Jason and Kim lived together for a year. He pulls Kim away and grills her:
1. Can Charlie harness "Kim Wild?"
2. Does Kim have the "meatball connection" with Charlie?
Kim, you see, has always been Jason's meatball. " I love you, meatball," he says. This viewer is suddenly lifted by the hope that someday they'll re-find it, the meatball connection. The lovers, the dreamers, and me. Of course, if Jason ever tells Charlie about "Kim Wild," as she is known in Edmonton, she will never talk to her meatball again. But this is okay, as Kim's defiance at least breaks the agonizing embarrassment of Charlie's conversation with Jenny, in which Jenny seeks to _relive_ the further embarrassment of her dumping the previous week by whining to Chuck about how he never got to know her and what is he looking for and blah blah shoot me in the head.

This date ends with kissing out in the street to ABC's version of porn music. Boom chicka baw baw. "mm, yummy" giggles Kimi.

Date number 3 is in Corning, New York with Pure Evil. Oh, I mean Sarah W, who shows up with her shaggy hair all down and wearing this little off-the-shoulder cream number that keeps Charlie guessing. Chuck confronts SW about telling Sara B who the final four are, and SW actually looks shocked and semi-denies it (which we don't like because it is a LIE, Chucky, a LIE), and _then_ says that it's just because Sara B told her that Sara and Chuck just had a friendship relationship with nothing there. Suddenly, we want to go ape on Sarah's boney ass for saying something so damaging to our favorite's chances. As SW says later to the camera, "I have the MAJOR goods on Sara B. I could RUIN her, I tell you" [insert evil maniacal laughter].

So then we go home with SW and Charlie, where we have to listen to SW go on and on about how she has "a presence in a room" and is "a diva" and is "just used to other girls hating her because of her looks" for the 100th time. Her poor sister Chelsea, who is this boney ballerina, is like, "yeah, Sarah's not used to working for male attention," in abject awe like it's okay for SW's head to be so inflated it. Beyond Sarah's obnoxiousness, the rest of her family is really very nice. Charlie falls in love with SW's dad, Jerry, who gets Chuck to shovel the mountain of snow on the sidewalk. Says chuck, "a little more alone time with Jerry and he would have gotten a rose." At this point, we are growing concerned because SW's biggest selling point is her family and they are winning Chucky over big time. But said concern reaches a crescendo upon hearing SW say that during their final moments together that evening, she "gave him the eye and batted her lashes, and it worked!" Pure. Evil.

Anyway, off we go to Warwick, New Jersey for Charlie's final date, with Krisily. Upon arriving, Krisily whisks Chuck off to her aunt Michelle's hair salon, which Krisily manages, for a cut. In the heaviest New Jersey accent possible, Michelle goes on about not wanting Krisily to get her "hot broken" while stabbing away with scizzors and a razor. Charlie survives, only to meet Krisily's remaining family: mom Cheryl, Nana Kathy, Dad whatshisface, and aunt Lorie. Okay, so we love this family, even if the women are tanorexic Barry-Manilow hair impersonators. They are loud, they are obnoxious, and nana does the rumpshaker dance with Charlie. Then, mom and nana kick the happy couple out to the porch to go practice their kissing (and summarily go spy on them through the window. "Oh, isn't that the cutest thing, wit they'ah heads all close ta gethah."). After Charlie says goodbye, Nana gives Krisily some excellent advice for all young women: "you gotta try to get em in bed. Fight for yah mahn, Krisily. You get em in bed and you jump on im. Gotta use yah powahs." Oh, we love Nana.

At last, Charlie recognizes what we have all been thinking when he arrives at the rose ceremony: "My pits haven't stopped sweating since this thing started." He says that he is on the verge of a breakdown, that this is so hard, and then he starts to _cry_ and we actually feel sorry for him....even as our eyes are ripped away by the teal sequin estelle getty dress work by Kimberley. We are positively certain this is a big symbol for "remember the Sapphire House" in her own Albertan way.

Charlie shocks the hell out of all of us by picking Sara B first (YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), followed by Krisily (YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, because she's one tough broad on the outside, but is actually very sweet), and Sarah W (Nooooooooo.). Kim is stunned because she never saw it coming. And then Charlie does something that will piss her off later: He says to her, "Yeah, I didn't even know who I was going to pick until right that moment." Her departure leaves the viewing audience at a loss. Did he share his meatball and subsequently become disinterested in homestyle cooking? Did he sense that she had been claimed by a previous meatball? Did he turn vegetarian?

Stay tuned for next week, when the final three contestants head to Aruba for their Romantic GetAway Dates. Little do they know that they are on the same island together!

ooooo.