Jen Part 3: She Asked Me Why...Why I'm a Hairy Guy

And here we thought the days of wine and mullets were over once the season of Lord Byron's trip through galville concluded. Oh no, dear readers. We are innocently drinking a beer when suddenly, a thatch arises in front of our eyes, causing choking. It's Jerry, the welder/artist. He looks a little Bowie, which is admittedly kind of hot, but then the glacial uprising from his forehead sort of sours the whole thing.

And so episode three begins with a little game of shirts v. skins basketball that features Jerry and his hair. He even "took a hit to the head," as Jen pointed out, and it didn't waiver. Anyway, up for grabs in this little game: two individual dates with Jen for the high scorers on the winning team. I know nothing about sports, so lets just say there was a lot of jumping. Josh was in Warrior Mode, crashing into everyone. Febreeze got two points. whoopie. But then, Wendell made us all stop and ask the real question lurking behind this game: What is the opposite of camel toe? Elephant trunk? Our favorite guy was a skin, and he was definately showing too much of it. He reminded me of that fateful morning a few years back when I happened to look in the rearview mirror as my neighbor came running up the street in those little marathon shorts. My god.

But Febreeze ended up winning the first date, with John Paul (the breather) getting the second. Jen's date with Febreeze was this side of scary. Febes and Jen went to the Cotton Club to drink cosmos (because they brought out the pink in Jen's dress) and listen to Vanessa Williams sing. We knew it was tanking when Jen slipped into Barbara Walters mode. You know that interviewing thing that we women do as a courtesy save to a bad date. It generally involves asking a lot of questions which lead the man to feel like he's "really making a connection" because the woman's learning all this junk about him, but he's not displaying any interest in her. And then, Febreeze talks about how he was in love with this other woman two years ago....and then he starts to cry...and as he's crying, he slides his arm around Jen....and then sucks her face for five minutes while she frantically eyeballs the camera like "man down man down!" What can I say? Whan ee is hapeee, ee is ovehruled by emoshun.

Back at the ranch, the guys are trashing Febreeze, who they have totally unoriginally dubbed "Frenchee." There is really nothing interesting about this, so I will spare the ink.

Jen's date with John Paul went somewhat better, although we are still a little off-put by his bohunk upper lip and bizarre shadow mooostache. Yo, Barbarino. But JP and Jen take a helicopter to this spa. Jen says, "we walked into the Mohican Sun...." which is apparently the name of the place. Am I the only one that finds that funny? They proceed to have a major feast undearneath a dripping ice sculpture, and then put on their bathings suits (always want I want to do after porking it) for their couples massage and a dip in the pool. JP wins major brownie points for not attempting to kiss her....and then loses them again by feeding her a chocolate strawberry. As you all already know my sentiments on the fruit-not-candy (dammit) from previous updates, I will spare you the tirade here.

Last date is with the six remaining guys at the park. Josh definately dings the ick meter by going on and on and on and ON about himself while Jen stares absently at the comb tooth imprint in his blonde Ken doll helmet hair. Apparently, he runs 15-25 miles a day because that's what he was "created to do." Well. We don't see much of Ryan, which means he'll make it through the next couple rounds at least. Keith talks a lot about how he wants to be himself, thereby creating a spectacular display of not being himself. But it's Jerry who wins surprise points for creativity for taking Jen out in a boat where the rest of the boys can't interrupt unless they can swim. Way to go, Jer. He even makes her use the "s" word (Schoolgirl), and teaches her a little dance lesson (oh, bowie of my heart) a la bridget jones. Except they don't fall in.

Of course, then our beloved Wendell makes Jen feel "good about herself" when she's with him. YAY! We forgive him for the previous display of trunk, and for all plumbers' butt in this and previous episodes. Maybe the man just needs a belt.

And at last, the rose ceremony, at which Jen displays a shocking loss of all brain power and JP wears a suit with loafers and no socks. I'm not sure which is worse at this point. Jen has her one-on-one with Febreeze, where she is totally excited that he is willing to "help her make the right choice" and dish the dirt on the other men. She thinks this is so sweet: "Even if he isn't the right guy for me, he'll help me pick who is. " Twit. Meanwhile, JP is just flapping his leg around, sockless and everything. gah.

Jen ends up picking JP/Barbarino, Jerry, Ryan, Ben (billy from grad school), Wendell (YEEEESSSS), and Febreeze (NOOOO). When Febes gets his rose, he won't look at Jen. He nods his head curtly. Turns out he is "reelee peesed" because he got the last rose, and this is just game playing from Jen that is "totahl bullsheet." Looks like someone is in need of SuperNanny. After this little tantrum, we only love Wendell more for impersonating Febreeze as the credits roll.

Stay tuned for next week, when the men must write a letter saying why they each would be the best husband for Jen (see: english class matters) and then race to the empire state building to win a date with her. Swift like tree. And then Febes has a Shocking Announcement to Make!!!!!!!!!