Lord Byron Part 8: I've Never Met a Man So Scared Of Me in My Life

H-h-h-halter tops were the name of the game for the Bachelor Episode Seven: The Women Tell All. And not just the standard halter top. You can tell our country is in a bit of a recession, or else that LB was a bit more fertile than suspected, with the introduction of the multi-purpose "Am I pregnant or Am I Not" halter worn by pretty much every woman on the episode. You know the type: tight across the wobblies, but big and flowey and designed for people like me to just let it all hang out underneath.

First, we had an interview with Krysta (hot pink sequin halter), in which we learned that she is in fact the queen of gossip. We also learned that Cheresse just wants to be the next Bachelorette, Andrea is emotionally disturbed, Krystie was the "perfect girl if you wanted to go to a hocky game," the Horse Whisperer was an alien with fake boobs, and that there was so much silicone that Krysta was glad she was not allergic.

Cyndy thought that based on Krysta's most recent spread in some mens' magazine, Krysta might do well to consider a little silicone herself. Amy, however, whom we have forgotten entirely, got all choked up and emotional because she defended Krysta and was hurt by her words. Ooo.

Next, Jayne of Arc (one-sided lace halter) had a moment--an Epiphany, if you will. After a painful review of what some contenstant aptly called Jayne's "devil woman" antics at the slumber party, Jayne realized that she was so grateful to see her head spin around entirely because her eyes had been opened and it won't happen again. She then proceeded to have an argument with all the other women about various interpretations of what went on in the house. She concluded that any time the women were gossiping, it was about her, and that they don't dare deny it. Oh my.

In a baby interview with Cheresse (halter with sleeves. V. weird) after Jayne's big moment, Cheresse only had the comment that she guessed you don't continue if you don't go to the fantasy suite. We love Cheresse.

Our third big interview was with Cindy (blue halter) . Oh readers, Cindy had a melt-down, as never before in Bachelor history (at least according to ABC). Cindy was so distraught that she called ABC in the middle of the night to unload, and then we had to watch an entire mood-music montage of her being distraught and scribbling in a notebook a la Virginia Woolf in a very dark room of her own. I should have cared, but I was too confused by her denim shirt and trucker ball cap with sunglasses on top of the brim.

And then Chris Harrison brought out Byron. I'm sure that I have expressed my feelings about men and turtlenecks to a few of you, but if not, let me express them here: NO NO NO. LB was wearing a turtleneck of gray/green/blackness and a suede jacket and shoes. He also had a _perfect_ jerri curl at the back of his mullet. This particular viewer could not rip her eyes away from the man jowls hovering on the brink of his neckline.

The women, of course, were granted permission to "confront" LB, and so Cheresse asked about the fantasy suite situation. LB responded that he really needed 8-10 hours to eat strawberries and drink wine to get to know her better. Jayne wanted to thank him for being so nice. (blah). But Krysta, who we like marginally for this comment, said that she had never met a man so scared of her in all her life. She came down hard on LB for not getting time with her, and he said he got plenty of time, mostly unsolicited and with her in skanty dress. Ha. Cindy, who we also like marginally more, asked why he flipped out on their last date when she asked him about his ex-wife. He explained it away by saying no one was themselves. We didn't buy that one.

THEN, the moment we have all been waiting for: Jay Overby, aka My Beloved, came for a surprise visit! Oh, the rapture! Oh, the Second Coming! He was in a red silk shirt, which immediately brought me back to my first year of college.....Oh, Chris P, aka "Crispy Kreme," my very first crush boy. He looked like the white Jesus you see in mainstream pictures, with long hair all bound up in a red silk scrunchee. He was fabulous, the apple of my eye, until he opened his mouth and said, "Golly gee, this damn MTV don't know shit" in the laundry room one day as I was doing my laundry and he was tuning his guitar in preparation for rehearsal with his band, "Fat Back." Talk about Death of a Crushboy. But I digress......

Stay tuned for next week and the TWO HOUR SEASON FINALE!!!!!!!! Will it be Mary, for whom the Grand Canyon is as big as what she is feeling for him? Or Tonya, who so enjoys herself on his boat?