Lord Byron Part 5: Dirty Pillows, Dirty Pillows

Just in time for Holloween, Episode 5 of the bachelor is like the Return of Carrie, in which the blood drips down from the rafters of the Gymnasium/Bachelorette Pad at the Prom/Rose Ceremony as Carrie/Jayne stares out at the Crowd/Byron with buggy eyes and choice expletives.

We are first aware that something is "off" about Jayne when we learn that she doesn't sweat when she exercises. The show opens to Jayne on the treadmill, walking away...followed by delicate blotting with some teeny tiny tissue. Where is the flushed face and tell-tale circular boob sweat? She is clearly Bottling It Inside Herself.

Anyway, right after the whole absence-of-sweating thing, Cheresse gets a little time with Byron. We love Cheresse but not her outfit, which is this string bikini with white miniskirt and super-high white socks and tennis shoes. But even that is forgiveable, in light of Byron's orange/green shirt, tan shorts, and even higher white socks. In this brief moment together, Byron reveals that he has healthy hamstrings by bending more than 90% at the hips to kiss Cheresse.

His first date, however, is with Cyndy. Ever wanted to know what a horse looked like a tube top and lowrider jeans? I'm pretty sure I saw crack when she stood up from the park bench where she squeeled that the dolfins they saw by the seaside "ooooo.....make me so happy!!!!!" I'm not precisely sure what happened on this date, but I DO know that she and Byron discovered a mutual affection for talking in the third person (i.e. "Cyndy is getting more invested." "Oh, well so is Byron."), and that Cyndy cannot even explain the magic that results when they kiss. I would also like to note that LB exhibits further evidence of yoga practice by sitting in Cydy's lap in the limo on the way home. And that Cyndy made LB bring a toothbrush for after dinner, but that she brought another woman's because she couldn't find hers. Ick.

For date 2, Byron takes Mary. It is at this point that Jayne starts rocking back and forth, holding herself and shading her eyes with one of those bucket hats that are sold at Fundamentalist Christian camps with phrases on them like "Acquire the Fire." She is "Furious" that Byron does not pick her, and jealous that Mary gets to "Dress in Style for an Elegant and Enchanted Evening" with a foxy red dress and shoes allegedly picked by LB. Perhaps she has good reason, as during LB's date with Mary, they "share some sparks." We also meet the first Extra on The Bachelor Season Six, a waiter that says "Welcome to the Casa del Mar" before being killed off by the door shutting him out. At said casa, Mary and Byron share a toast to starting at "Ground zero," talk about his marriage and how they are both hopeless romantics, and then LB carries Mary into the hot tub, where they share something "very special" that involves him grabbing various wobbly bits and her sitting in his lap.

For date 3, Byron invites Jayne for a "Ride Into the Sunset." The really freaky pre-possessed-by-the-devil Jayne, giddy and giggly, jumps onto the horse behind LB and they gallop off into the sunset, where they have dinner in the woods on a horse blanket. Side note: why is LB comfortable in a long-sleeved shirt and leather jacket, and Jayne is wearing a tank top? Don't these women ever get sick? But after dinner, LB and Jayne head back to the barn (I am not making this up) to play with kittens in a horse stall and share slurpy kisses.

When Jayne returns, she is getting ready for bed in her pink pajamas with little lambies on them. Cyndy says something about how Jayne doesn't seem too excited about her date, and Jayne covers her head with her blankets...then pops out of bed and starts ranting about how she didn't f*ing ask about Cyndy's date and it's not F*ing anyone's business and yells at Cyndy "Itwasn'taboutyouItwasn'taboutyouItwasn'taboutyou" clicks her heels together three times and vanishes from the room in a swirl of pink lambies. Mary is terrified because the look on Jayne's face was "pure evil" and she's worried Jayne might hurt herself, and so she demands that all the women go out and look for Jayne.

The next scene is women in various shades of undress yelling for Jayne in the dark where there are "animals, like coyotes," while Jayne is over at Byron's house and Byron, the only person that Jayne could "turn to" is desperately trying to get the demon off his bed and away from him. He finally succeeds, and Jayne returns to the patio, where Andrea finds her. What follows is further confrontation with Jayne morphing into Tony Soprano, "You gonna start wid me..." as the horse whisperer apologizes for whatever upset her and "fears for her life."

At the rose ceremony the following night, Jayne expresses fears to the camera that LB might "think she has a temper." Mary, in a blinding dress designed by M.C. Escher and some giant pink flower that women have just GOT to stop thinking looks good outside of old movies set in Spain, feels hopeful. Cyndy, who, along with Jayne and Tonya, has a last minute talk with Byron, feels like she is walking the plank. And Tanya, who looks forward to more time with LB, is entirely too flashy for a special ed teacher in her black sequined-like-snake-skin dress. Cheresse, who we love (but again not her outfit, as she is preparing to tapdance to "soldier boy" in her gray pleated skirt, shiny shirt, and character shoes), appears calm.

In the moment we've all been waiting for, Cyndy says "diggity-dog, yes," in her acceptance speech of her rose. Mary hugs LB even as he tries to escape. Tanya is pleased, and Cheresse (YAY!!!!!) does a little dance with LB. But Jayne....Oh, dear readers...Jayne whispers "You lied." as she says goodbye to him, demonic eyes glinting. She says later that she was betrayed, and that he lied about everything and led her on. She and Andrea walk into the sunset, clutching each other and leaving us all thankful that two crazy bitches have left the house.

Stay tuned for next week, when LB goes on Exotic Overnight Dates with the remaining women, and there's a fight!