Lord Byron Part 4: That Bitch Is Crazy

In the Bachelor Episode 4, we learned that we hate the Husband Interview: "what are you looking for in a mate?" " How do you handle a fight?" and so forth. How terribly inaccurate and boring. "Well, LB, I find that I am a sensitive woman, in tune to others' needs.".... After various bits of this with Cynthia (horse), LB had enough and put a Date Command in the date box. Oh goody, Tonya got it.

Tonya's date with LB can best be described as a Cargasm. His note said "Come share with me the land and sea," which puts one forcibly in mind of those poems people pay to have published in random poetry books compiled only in Southern states (i.e. "my little doggy, when he gets wet he's soggy"). She, a leggy blonde wearing one of those annoying tops that only has attachments at one shoulder, and he, in cuffs easily 4 inches beyond his sport coat, go to a "sports car" to "drive around." The camera focuses in Slo Mo on LB turning the key in the ignition, on the sleek line of the vehicle, on the engine revving, on the sun glinting off the burnished leather seating. Then suddenly, they drive into the water because surprise! the car is a boat. Of course, both Tonya and LB get sopping wet and of course, the dousing is shown in Slo Mo. They have a dinner and Husband Interview, and then they return to the house where they kiss with echoing loudness and LB fervently whispers, "when is our next date? tomorrow?" over and over.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the women are all sitting in a room enjoining the echoing kisses, talking about LB. Andrea embraces Freud as women ask her if she is in love with Byron and she shakes her head no and says "yes" and repeats said behavior to the question of whether she would tell him right now if he were in the same room. We still don't like her from the whole laughing-into-the-microphone episode, so we aren't inclined to give her much rope on this one. She is a nut. She even manages to look shocked with the whole echoing kisses thing. LB comes in the room, sees the women, and leaves, "hoping he doesn't have lipstick on his face." Fuckwit.

For LB's next date, he and Mary have massages. On his choice of woman, Cynthia says, "I guess he likes brunettes with small boobs," a comment which clearly indicates that the women have now lost all perspective, as Mary is the Dinty More to this viewer's Campbells. At any rate, he and Mary have yet a third Husband Interview, and she expresses interest in his chest. Snore.

Third date is with Elizabeth at the Aquarium in a helicopter. Remember those big heavy sweaters we all wore in the 80s over stirrup stretch pants? Remember how they made our asses look huge? Elizabeth's baby doll tube-top dress over jeans had the same effect. Of course, LB had on orange pants and a red shirt, so they were a perfect match. Elizabeth and LB have a Husband Interview, which after four shots at it, LB is astute enough to notice, and they go home. Nothing there.

But dear readers, it's all about the Slumber Party. LB comes over one night with a duffle bag full of undies, and announces that they will be having a slumber party. Andrea screams as though she has just given birth, shoots her arms in the air, and stands up in triumph. Elizabeth, who we suddenly love and feel completely guilty about all drag queen and fashion comments preceding, announces that it will be a "freakfest" and that she "doesn't want to wear anything Hootchie." Krysta, the queen of hootch, busts out the Demi-Butless Panties, less accurately called "tanga pants." Whoever invented these things and why they have to go almost-but-not-quite up one's crack is beyond the scope of this Update.

Over the course of this tragic attempt to relive their youth, LB and the women stream silly string at each other, play truth or dare, and although no alcohol is seen, this viewer has cause to believe they get very VERY drunk. Andrea does a striptease for LB on a dare, which is so painful that the horse whisperer says "no, Andrea, don't be upset. You looked good doing it." And then, dear readers, the dancing begins. In the words of Beyonce, "Girl, I di'ent know you could get down like that." But there's no getting down for Mary, who is traumatized by Bachelor Bob Deja Vu. She is busy reliving the moments she Sexy Danced for Bob, only to get the axe...so she leaves, and LB follows.

When I was at the zoo this weekend, I saw a female giraffe play a little footsy with her mate. Then, she leaned her head down and nuzzled his neck. Oh, I was thinking, this is so cute, and then the female walked away from her guy and started to pee. And then the guy came over and drank the pee. LB and Mary's conversation was kind of like that. In the end, she was so relieved he wanted her to stay.

But Jayne flips out when LB gets back. She is "soooo done" with the fact that as soon as Mary and LB left, it all "went to shit" and the rest of the women had to sit around for an hour waiting for LB to get back. She rages on, indignant in her hot pants and feather boa, to LB about how he was just "some guy fishing" and then all these women started paying attention to him. Then, when LB leaves, Krysta walks her demi-buttless self over to LB's house with champagne, only to be cut off by Jayne, who (slightly slurring her words) lets herself into LB's house, demands he come to the hottub with everyone else, and wanders off, leaving Krysta stunned that she was "blocked by the mute." LB comes out to the hottub and Jayne yells at him more. Later the next morning, Jayne asks Andrea, the picture of even-keel, if she didn't go over the top at being "a little upset" with LB.

Cheresse concludes that LB can't distinguish one crazy bitch from another. We love Cheresse.

Out of the 8 women, LB picked six to continue: Mary, Tonya, Andrea, Cynthia (horse), Cheresse (yay) and Jayne (for no known reason). Stay tuned for next week, when Jayne flips out and escapes. "There are coyotes out there!" as one woman warns.