Lord Byron Part 3: You Got the Buttafly, You Really Diiid!

We all know that Love is a Battlefield. But little did we know that Pat Benetar would resurrect herself and her entire video music performance in tonight's episode of the Bachelor. Boom ta boom boom...I hear the music starting, let's see a little shoulder shimmy everybody....

"We are Young. Heartache to Heartache, We Stand."
The show opens to Byron, a.k.a. "the pimp," writing a little note on his bed. News flash Byron: a wifebeater is a wifebeater, no matter what color. His particular fashion offense was gray, a little striped, and definately on the mangy side. He strolls in said beater to the date box, where he puts the little note....and we cut to tough-but-sensitive-like-Pat B(Andrea), wearing this horrid butterfly plastered across her chest and the '80's skirt off Pat's body, (only ripped much shorter a la Mariah Carey). Of course, she gets the first date.

"No Promises, No Demands."
Jayne is a little distraught that Andrea would get the first date, and so she goes to talk with him in his villa. Now, when I was in college I tried on this white crochet bikini, thinking that I only live once. To my horror, Jayne was wearing the very same offensive item (only in brown), which I shall call a "to" because a "top" would cover too much breast. They talk about how LB is "handsy" with the other women but he's "way into" Jayne. He gets handsy with Jayne, and she feels better.

"Love is a Battlefield."
Andrea and LB take a "romantic" plane ride in a B25 Mitchell Bomber. This is apparently her year, dear readers, to find her Soul Mate. She and Byron are "really feeling each other," especially in the plane, through their jumpsuits. And then we learn the horrible truth: Andrea laughing through a microphone sounds like Janice on Friends. We suddenly hate her. But not enough to prevent her and LB from having dinner in the hanger under the nose of some plane or from sneaking back to the library (who the hell has a library in a hanger?) for champagne and desert. It is during this desert that we notice the giant guitar pick that Andrea has strung around her neck as a necklace. LB apparently does not notice the same, since he asks her if she is "digging this as much as I am?"

"Oheeoheeohee...We're Strong. No One Can Tell Us We're Wrong. Searching Our Hearts for So Loo-ee--ong."
Krysta is "really irritated" that Jayne would get extra time with Byron. She is also critical of how Andrea nurtures everyone in the house, including LB. He is a special guy and if anyone challenges her in her quest for him, she will kick the woman's ass. Love is a Battlefield.

"You're Begging Me to Go, then Making me Stay. Why Do you Hurt Me So Bad?"
LB goes to what can only be described as a funhouse for his second date, which is a mystery. He drives to this seedy looking door in the wall with a giant question mark on it, climbs the stairs past the "I-robbed-your-store-and-I-am-five-feet-tall" measuring stick that ABC stole from Steak-n-Shake, walks past a startling alive-looking real bartender, and winds up on the dusty saloon sofa where he sees the elevator move to reveal Heather from Texas (season two) and Mary (season four).

Recap: (which the women see via a video delivered to their home during the date): Heather from Texas sat on Aaron's lap and had this completely horrible pool scene where she slobbered all over him and he tried to escape. Mary is the woman who was so insistent on having a family immediately that she terrified scuzzbucket Bachelor Bob into dropping her after meeting her family. This time around, Mary is wearing this weird green knit scarf thing that looks dangerously like one of those missionary ponchos worn with the neck hole slung over one shoulder to be "sexy." Heather wears a tank top with another one of those butterflies on it. GAH. Not much of the date is shown, but Mary and H fromT move into the house afterwards, spurring the other women to be Consumed With Jealousy.

"It Would Help Me to Know, Do I Stand In Your Way, Or am I the Best Thing that You've Had?"
Krysta makes fun of the women ("ooo, my name is Mary and my ovaries are drying up") and Andrea starts to cry because "these women are obstacles."

"Believe Me, Believe Me, I Can't Tell You Why."
The third and final segment of the show is the rose ceremony, where Byron calls Suzie, H from T, and Cheresse (noooooo!) for last minute talks. Suzie hasn't felt a lot coming from LB lately, but confesses to true feelings and wants to be with him more. Heather is hopeful, but their conversation is stilted. And Cheresse, the only classy woman left and one of the only ones left without implants of some form, is criticized by Big Boob Byron for not seeking him out enough. She is so upset that she goes into the bathroom for the rest of the evening until the rose-giving part. We conclude that we love Cheresse and want the best for her, which is not LB.

"But I'm Trapped By Your Love, and I'm Chained To Your Side."
And at last, it's the rose ceremony itself. LB takes a moment to remind the women that he is in this for a life partner, the camera pans his sunstreaked and greased-out mullet, and at last we are ready to begin. He picks Andrea, who is now wearing what appears to be Pebble Flintstone's jewelry. He also picks Jayne, and Elizabeth. A word about Elizabeth--she resurrected the damn leather hat again throughout this episode. And then for the rose ceremony, she is completely in the wrong music video. She has the whole rose bud in her hair and black sequined dress against everyone else's stiletto boots and loose jagged-edged skirts. Go away, bad stripper dancing towards Pat's gang! Pat, don't let her steal your Pimp! Anyway, in a stunning upset, LB also picks Cheresse (yayaayayayaa!!!!), Tonya, Mary, Krysta (WHAT?!?), and the Horse Whisperer. I'm sorry, but Cyndi really is the horsiest woman on this show, and she tends to speak through her teeth.

One woman who didn't get picked said that she "laid everything to him on the line." Love is a battlefield, baby. And as the credits rolled, we saw Krysta swim naked in the pool for LB and everyone.

Stay tuned for next week, when a Saucy Party Explodes Into Drama.