Lord Byron Part 2: "10"

I'd like to begin with the observation that virtually every single woman left standing has that Farrah "10" poster hair and nippy hard-body look with freakishly muscular arms. Except for Kelly, who looks like Christie Brinkley in Uptown Girl, and Cyndi, who looks like Darryl Hannah in Splash. And Krysta, as we will learn later.

But oh my dear Bachelor News Update Readers, I am afraid to report that this last episode was a mere couplet in the sonnet of Lord Byron's quest for the Lady. Filler, if you will. LB moved in to the ladies' villa, along with his "girl," his dog Sabrina. He went on two one-on-one dates, and he picked 10 women. Blah.

Date One was with Cheresse (yay!!!) because, according to Byron, the Star-Filled Night should be Ours to Share. I'm not sure how this all relates to Brandi (other than through a really bad pun), but Cheresse and LB went to a club of indecipherable name to watch Brandi and her dancers perform a private concert. I'd like to note here that do-rags are rather like control panyhose for the brain damaged. I'd also like to note that LB might do well with said rag, given the rather shocking wing-tip nature of his mullet. Fortunately, the gel released a bit towards the end, resulting in a crown-to-chin comb over. Anyway, the only significant bit about this segment was that Krysta (remember: we hate her) was devastated that she failed in achieving the first date and concluded that she must "get her A-game on." Considering how buttless her various swimsuits appear to be, one isn't sure how much more A she could show.

Which leads me to "Cooking with Byron," the 30 second horror show in which Krysta, brandishing a spatula, appears to be wearing nothing but an apron and thong. And then, of course, there is the Duel of the Notes, in which Kristie (bar owner) leaves a little note for LB with 3 roses, and then Krysta leaves a little note for LB with the whole damn pot of marigolds ripped up from the garden plantings (all while LB is out with Cheresse), which in turn leads to a big backstabbing moment where Krystie and Krysta kiss and make up and then backstab each other to the cameras. yawn.

We also learn that Leina from Hawaii is in love with her best friend. A big revelation, leading to a quick departure.

Date #2 is a Special Night with a Special Woman in a Special Place, or as I like to call it, a Grammar Moment. LB and Jayne, the shy dog groomer, go fishing. She appears a little freaked at first, but once she "casted" the rod, she forgot all about how shy she was. She even kissed the fish she caught, which was momentous to LB. At any rate, I'm not sure if it was Jayne's long flowing hair, Byron's white, flawless, rolled-up-sleeves, or the skeezy row boat they must awkwardly trade places in while balancing wine glasses and oars, but Jayne forgot all about her shyness. Did I mention she's shy?

And finally, the Rose Ceremony. With only 14 women, which 10 would LB pick? After three last-minute one-on-ones with Natalie, Jayne, and Kristie...he picked Krysta, aka Pig in Space. Krysta was totally channeling Miss Piggy tonight, from the blue eye shadow to the blonde 'do to the one-piece silver halter pants-suit. And about that one adenoid she has, blocking all possible sound from her throat. She reminded me of this one Miss Universe contestant I saw a few years back playing the Footloose theme song on an electric violin.

Our LB also picked Elizabeth, who looked a little less like a drag queen now that she's not wearing that horrible black-leather scotty cap, Tonya the school teacher, Amanda of the doiley tablecloth skirt, Cherresse (yay!, and despite the questionable super-70s wavey-colors dress), Suzie, Jayne, Kristie, Cyndi, and Andrea, who broke down, "overwhelmed with emotion and trembling inside." Thankfully, he axed Kelly, who wore some sort of gold lame and pink chiffon scarf as a "top." Good choice, I say.

Stay tuned for next week (which will hopefully be a bit more interesting), in which LB goes on a Mystery Date with two women not currently on the show, and the "claws come out."